The Mormon Zombie Attack Weekend

I was in an elevator yesterday with a dad and his six year old boy.  The boy had a matchbox car.  When the elevator came to the ground floor, the boy was startled by the opening doors and dropped his matchbox car down the seperation between the elevator and the floor.  He looked at me and said "i lost my car"

And all I could think of to say was "and you're still gonna have to make payments on the damn thing"

I don't always say the most comforting thing.  My head, my brain, works first like that of a sitcom character.  My first response is often the bad joke when something else is more appropriate. 

Luckily, I like me that way.

But this poor on the verge of tears boy probably would have preferred more empathy.    I should have connected to his sense of loss, and how he wishes he could have back that moment where the car left his fingers.  

Instead, I was reminded that there's a blog I've been wanting to write for a while, and I am hereby inspired to write it before the time passes.

It involves my very beautiful soon to be two year old daughter, and was inspired by the great director of porn epics, Eli Cross.   If you don't know Eli, he makes four hour long, big budget, mini series style porn.  And wins awards for it - as he did again last night.  If you didn't know you could get awards for directing porn, you're not living in pop culture america.   There are hot dog eating championships that draw 25,000 people, awards for best office chair design, and about 20 different porn awards.  Grow up.

So here's the deal. I work many, many hours.  And so on the weekends i like to make special plans with my daughter, something new and different from us to experience, either just the two of us, or all three of us as a family.

About a month ago I took my daughter to spend the weekend at the home of an official of a pagan religious cult.  They were celebrating the zombification of their half-deity by telling their children that anthropomorphised rodents were leaving symbolic fetuses in the yard for them.    Mmmmmm, good times.

Obvious to me, but not to them, was the fact that this was clearly a fertility ritual inspired by the equinox.   For them, it was an excuse to eat a giant ham, which their zombie god preached AGAINST.   Go figure.

But yeah, that's how we spent Easter this year.  At my wife's Mormon family easter.    And here's the thing, they are SO freaked about by trying to be nice to a jew. 

Her Uncle said to me "I just want you to know, your people have made quite a few contributions"   Of course, the only one he could name was "Chicken Soup".   Classic!.   Can't name guys like Einstein and Freud - they helped chip away at the hegemony of the god myth.

Her aunt actually asked me if i lost any friends in the Holocaust.   When I mentioned  that we did lose family in the camps, she blurted out "I read the other day that Hitler killed lots of people who werent Jewish"

Strange weekend inspired by this Eli Cross blog

9:39 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

I prove it all night (and its slightly embarrassing)

Lights out tonight
trouble in the heartland
Got a head-on collision
smashin’ in my guts, man
I’m caught in a cross fire
that I don’t understand

Holy shit, Springsteen was half a verse into "Badlands" last night and i was a fist pumping, screaming adolescent adherant - hands to the heavens soaking in the glory of the boss.

Bruce’s music has always been personal to me.  I’m not alone in that.   When he sat down to write Born to Run his intention was to write the greatest rock n roll song ever.  He damn well succeeded.   That was his gift to every generation of kids who listened to music from Bill Haley’s Comets to Ludacris.  Not to me personally, though.   And I cried when he played The Rising last night, just like I cry every time I hear the song.  The story of a fireman ascending the World Trade center stairs to save lives and finding that he’s climbed his way to heaven, where his father’s ghost salutes his heroism.  Even through my tears, my knowledge that my brother worked near ground zero (he’s fine) that song is Bruce’s gift to his nation, not to me.  Thunderroad was the song that makes me think of my teenage friends.   Reason To Believe from the Nebraska album is actually one I covered (long dumb story).  Jungleland. Candy’s Room. Prove it all Night.  The River.  Promised Land.  Marys Place.  Sandy.  Rosalita.  For You. Blinded by the Light. Johnny 99.  Growing Up.  Sherry Darling.   Trapped. Jersey Girl.   Down the Road.   Every one qualifies as my favorite song of all time.   But Badlands....

I realized last night that for almost 30 years i’ve been in love with an older man... and this was OUR song.

I fell in love when I first heard this song on an Eight track of the Darkness on the Edge of Town album.

Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul
I want control right now
talk about a dream
Try to make it real
you wake up in the night
With a fear so real
Spend your life waiting
for a moment that just don’t come
Well, don’t waste your time waiting

(Chorus)
Badlands, you gotta live it everyday
Let the broken hearts stand
As the price you’ve gotta pay
We’ll keep pushin’ till it’s understood
and these badlands start treating us good

What can I say?  There were just a thousand times in my life that I felt that - screamed that - lived that - needed to hear that from someone else to verify the legitmacy of the notion that you can desire something deeply, and do everything right in your quest, and still fail.    You CAN spend your life waiting for a moment that just won’t come.   And when you’re a hormone addled teenager that is just about  ALL there is.  You don’t get the girl, the car, the grades.  And as soon as you’re done not getting something you yearn for, there’s another unrequited love waiting.  That’s what it means to be a young man in america.   At least everyone I knew.  We werent suffering by the standards of starving African children, or holocaust victims.  But we suffered in the way Bruce did in his songs.

Workin’ in the fields
till you get your back burned
Workin’ ..neath the wheel
till you get your facts learned

Most of my friends did not "work the fields" -- migrant farm work wasn’t big in rich jewish suburbs.  But it wasn’t in Asbury Park either.  Its a metaphor. 

Baby I got my facts
learned real good right now
You better get it straight darling
Poor man wanna be rich,
rich man wanna be king
And a king ain’t satisfied
till he rules everything
I wanna go out tonight,
I wanna find out what I got

Well that’s it right there, aint it?  I’m working my ass off, the world’s a combination of the jaded, the corrupt, the lesser men.  And now its my turn to take my shot at owning the world.

And he took some time out last night to mention the people currently owning the world.  He dedicated some songs to the people who will never hear them and could never understand them including "The Ghost of Tom Joad" where he decries poverty by invoking a character from my favorite writer, John Steinbeck (he was joined by someone from Rage Against the Machine on this number) and then he sand "who’s gonna be the last die for this mistake" in reference to Iraq.  Oh, and a self explanatory song called "Murder Incorporated" 

But I’m still all about Badlands.

For the ones who had a notion,
a notion deep inside
That it ain’t no sin
to be glad you’re alive
I wanna find one face
that ain’t looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands

I explained to the couple next to me the poetic justice of Bruce playing at a venue called "The Pond" since water imagery has been so much of a theme in his writing.  Water to cleanse in a  baptismal sense, the rivers that symbolize the flow of life in a  singular forward direction. 

But it was pointed out to me that the venue has been renamed "The Honda Center"    My notions are outdated.  And I spent one more night living not just in the past, but in MY past.

And now I want to listen to the song all over again.   Maybe Rosie and i will head down San Diego way. i know a little cafe. where they play guitar all night and all day.

Hold tight, baby, don’t you know Daddy’s comin...

8:45 AM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

When David Jones met Brian May

Brian May from Queen and David Jones who performs under the name David Bowie - that's who I'm talking about.   Bowie and Queen did one song together and if you don't remember it, you WILL remember the riff that was lifted from it for Vanilla Ice's classic ICE ICE BABY.

Anyway, the song was called Under Pressure.  And that's what today's blog is about.  Pressure at work - Pressure form new ventures - Pressure of being Dad - Pressureof the blog.  Where would you like to start?   Work?  Sure. You got it. 

Couple days ago at about 830am I was actually on the phone with the HR department discussing a disgruntled ex-employee when I had to drop it to help settle a matter with the SEC -- that's the Feds!  Juggling those two concerns made me late for an important conferecne call with NY.    Ok, I'm not whining about having responsibility, but that's a ton of pre 9am shit to all come down in one day.  And if that's the price to pay for the fact that later in the week I get to book a trip to Miami for April and a cruise for next January as part of the job... ok.

In the meantime, I've been helping some friends who are launching a new film company.  They've raised 170 million dollars on the condition they put an experienced CEO in place.   I have no financial interest in the company they're forming, but I could get a seven figure pop if I find the right candidate.   

And of course I'm ignoring actual people even more than usual.  Its not all work related though.   Mostly I just rush home to spend every possible minute with my daughter.  Twenty one monts is very precious.    This week we're working on colors.  "Gus, what color is this?"   "Purple orange"   "No honey, this is green.  Green"   to which she answers "Greenpurpleorange".    So i try again  "What about this one.  What color is this?"   "Purpleorange"   "No, this is red"   "RedGreenPurpleOrange"   I'm so in love with her that I cancelled a ski trip for this week because I couldn't bare to leave -- and didnt tell any of the people i was going with.  At least one reads this.   I'm sorry.   But redgreenpurpleorange came along.    But the pressure comes from this... I have been determined to be a daddy that fosters creativity and open circuited thoughts.  But that's a risky proposition.  For instance, this week we were blowing bubbles.   And every kid she knows can pop bubbles with their finger. so i taught her to pop them with her elbow, with her toes, and then finally with her nose.  Cute, right?

Wrong.

The bubble landed on the wall.

Smash nose = bad daddy.

There's pressure in trying to get it right.

Which brings me to the blog.   The pressure is now squarely on me.   I've been mouthing off for a year on certain political topics whihc will now be put to the test.   My reputation as a genius is at stake*.    Here are a few certitudes I have asserted.

1. The best general election match up the Dems could hope for is Obama vs McCain.   McCain will look slow and feeble next to the "O-ball of charisma"   And Obama will bring both dissaffected voters and independants to the Democrats.    Well. i'm not as sure anymore.   McCain seems so straightforward that I find myself liking him more than i like Obama's bluster.   Good news for the Dems is that the country is usually about 18 months behind me and that shouldn't affect the race.

2. The Democrats own the right electoral side of every major issue save one - immigration.  They're right (in the sense of taking the more popular side) on the war, the tax cuts, health care, ear marks, NAFTA, Global warming, and Palestine.    And, I said, they can undue all that good because American's fears about immigration might just supercede all these other concerns. 

3. McCain, being a Republican I like, will have to balance his ticket with someone whose policies I can't stand.   I mentioned Huckabee, Frist, Brownback, Ashcroft, Rice...  

Forseeing the future of the free world is a lot of pressure - so just back off!

* I correctly predicted to a friend who is a huge Van Halen fan, that he better see these degenerate no talent fuck offs early in the tour because "somewhere around March at least one will be in rehab, another will annouce he hates the band, and the tour will die"      Therefore I declare myself clairvoyant... until the election results in november prove me mistaken.

8:54 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Marine Biology

The city of Berkely California passed a resolution disallowing Marine recruitment in their city AND granted an anti Marine group a permanent parking space steps from the recruting office front door.

Why would anyone want to hurt Marine recruting efforts?  Because Bush started a phony counter-productive war?   How is that either remedy or retribution?   There would just be a few less Marines?    Blame Bush, Blame Cheney, blame Rumsfeld, Rice, Wolfowitz, Powell - but why interfere with Marine recrutits?

Is it because you think Marines are, by definition, evil.   Ive talked about this before.  I worked at Camp Pendleton around Marines several summers and they are just like everyone else - just much much bigger. 

Is it because you think all war is wrong and this is your symbolic contribution to ending war?   I can't even really by that.  Almost to a man, every Marine will tell you AND BELIEVE his duty is to defend this country.  Again to DEFEND and yes, THIS country.   And they would die to protect your family, your home, your Tivo and your pilates studio.   That has value.  Don't hold it against them that their commander in chief is a buffoon.

Is it becuae the Marines promised recruits signing bonuses, and then renegged for those that got injured in duty.  That's despicable.  So outlaw that practice and punish the jackass who signed it into law (hint: you'd have to impeach him)

These are real tough guys, these Marines.  Real patriots, real (at least potential) heroes.

If you want to look at a phone tough guy look no further than capital hill - despite the hundreds of possible long term candidates there i'm picking a visitor.  One Mr. Roger Clemens.   He spent his career as a sullen bully, and he's now added "weasly liar" to his dubious legacy.  At least have the decency to fess up once you're caught.  To lie from the highest hilltops and then utter "i forgot" under oath is contemptable.  And I wish he were charged with just that -- contempt.   

My starting line up of hideous semi human ballplayers from my life time would include... ( i'm not old enough to have seen murderer Ty Cobb, Rapist Babe Ruth, or Racist Dixie Walker).  and tried to concentrate on serial assholes, not guys with a single bad incident (Robbie Alomar spitting on Ump, Vince Coleman throwing firecrackers at press) and I stayed away from recreational drug abusers cause that could take forever.

SP Roger Clemens

RP John Rocker (unrelenting racist tirades)

C  Ramon Castro (wife beater)

1B Dave Kingman (most hated man among team mates)

2B That's my position - nobody evil playes there.

3B Pete Rose (unrepentant gambler, amphetimine user)

SS Derek Jeter (led Yanks to World Series wins)

OF  Barry Bonds (perjurer)  Milton Bradley (fist fights with teammates and umps),  Carl Everett (beats his wife, enslaves his kids, and brags about it)

4:54 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Playmate Demographics

You know how before Playboy had the TV show "GIRLS NEXT DOOR, they used that very phrase to describe the ideal of a Playmate.   She's "the girl next door".   I spent Super Bowl week in Phoenix with a few dozen of that particular species.   And  I thought today we might compare and contrast the Playmates with regular girls.     Leaving aside the obvious difference that they are drop dead gorgeous.

There were about 30 Playmates around.   One got into a snit with her roomate and went home.   Just one?  That's a little low for the general population of girls, don't you think?  

About 26 couldn't remember my name - that's about the same for any 30 girls who I've spent time with.  So they're right on target there.

One told me some great gossip about a famous pop star.   You're average girl couldn't do that.

At a dinner Friday night at a steak house with seven of them one ordered grilled vegetables, one ordered a big huge fruity drink, and only one ordered a big greasy fried appetizer (hot wings) and pulled pork sandwich.   One was very quiet, one was trailer park loud.   One was fully made up.  Six were not.    Only one was blonde, while two were black,  no Asians or Latinos as far as I could tell.  

One was wearing a wig. 

Two were wearing sweats.

One had cleavage on display.

The other six had ample cleavage... just not on display.

At least one had a masters degree.

At least one (and probably several) had no college at all.

One mentioned wanting go out dancing later. 

Three mentioned wanting to get some sleep.

I had five Playmates driving home with me after the dinner, which was only three blocks form the restaurant.  And they asked me -- ALL of them -- if I would stop at Kmart so they could pick up a few things.

Not one of them mentioned the Super bowl, the teams, the players, or football in anyway.   That seems a little starnge in retrospect since we were all there to work the Super Bowl party.

So here's my question. Imagine (no matter what gender you are) that you are at dinner with your seven closest female friends.  How close would your friends matched up with the Playmates?   Lets find out if these girls (aside from the looks) actually do represent the girl next door.

2:06 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Tigger say what?
Category: Food and Restaurants

I've told this story to many people of the past two days.  Judging by THOSE reactions,  those of you who are parents will figure out in about two seconds whta is going on. And those of you who are not  will be both mystified and disgusted.

It started like most other saturday mornings.  I slept in, whihc means i got up around 530 and went to the gym.  That gets me back to the house by about 7 whem my daughter is waking up.   I like to be there when she wakes up when I can. 

This particular day my wife had some work to do and locked herself in the office in the morning.   I always say Saturday is dadderday.  And so Augusta and I plyed all over the house. Play-do squishing in the bedroom, her little play kitchen in the corner, and we watched a few minutes of Mivkey Mouse club house.  I remember it coming on at 9am as i sat down on the couch.

Next thing I know its 9:08 and augusta is poking me saying "Daddy -uh oh, Daddy, uh oh"   And my eyes openned and I saw her smiling face and i knew there was nothing wrong... except that I shouldn't fall asleep while watching a 21 month old girl.   she laughed.  I laughed.   and as she walked he way I saw that lovable tush.

I see her tush?  Uh-oh.  where's the diaper??!!!!

I look more closely at my daughter.  Her ass is covered with shit. Her legs are covered with shit.   Her hands are brown and crusty with shit.

So i screamed for my wife "EMEREGENCY!!!!!"

I grabbed Gus and got her in the tub.   On the way through her room we saw she had spread doody on all the furniture, the cabinets, the crib, the door handles etc.

I cleaned the girl, my wife cleaned the room. It was all evry civilized... for shit cleaning.

And then we started to look for the diaper.   Can't find it on the floor of her room, or in the living room.  It's not under any of the furniture, or on the dining room table.  It's not stuck to a window or in a corner or under a couch cushion or in the fridge.

We looked for 20 minutes and we were stumped.   Just then my brother called - my brother has three children, all older than Gus.  I told Jason the same story I just told you.   but I onle got as far as "And then we started looking for the diaper"  and he said "Check the diaper pail, the diaper genie you idiot!"

Of course - she watches us throw the damn things in there.   It makes sense.

And he was right.  We opened the lid and there was the the open doody diaper...and about half a dozen toys for good measure.  

As Tigger says at the end of every episode of Disney Channel's MY FRIENDS TIGGER AND POOH, "Another mystery, is history!"

3:32 PM - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Monday, and then Sunday
Category: News and Politics

A blog reader asked me this mornign what I thought of last night's debate of democratic candidates. He came away impressed with Edwards.   So I went to watch a tape of the event.  Was Edwards even there?  To me he came across as a first classy prissy woosburger.

We can elect our president based on who we'd like to have a drink with, and we often do.  We can elect a president because of campaign promises they claim they will fufill and they often don't.   But the truth is that the defining moments of an administration are almost never about  Roe v Wade or gun control.   You might want to look at how a candidate reacts in the face of the unexpected.

How will they react to a 9/11?

What will they do in response to a Katrina?  Bosnia? Darfur? Collapse of a housing market?  Stock Market Crash.  Chinese over running Korea.   Saddam over running Kuwait.  Soviets over running Afghanastan.  Pearl Harbor?  The Space Race?  

Who reacts quickly, decisively, and effectively.

In last night's debate once again hillary is the one that impressed me.  When Barrack Obama finish complaining about being hit with cheap shots, he took one of his own.  Somehow he thought he's nail Clinton for the oh so terrible crime of serving on WalMart's board.  I'm no Walmart fan, but you can be damn sure that if they asked me (or Obama) to serve on their board they'd get a "yes, sir"

But Hillary didn't get defensive, or angry.  She was prepared.  She answered that while she was serving on a corporate board, Obama was making a living defending innercity slum lords.   That's a much worse "crime" and she was factually correct.  Bitch can play some chess!   He opened a door and she slammed it on his head.

She's much smarter, much more testured,layered and prepared than any other candidate. She reacts very well in a crisis.  I like that.  We need that.

But the most disgusting thing i've seen this week comes from the GOP side.  How dare any of those fat ass bastards attack the patriotism of John McCain!   With ADMITTEDLY NO EVIDENCE, they accuse McCain of co-opertaing with captors during his five years as a POW!.    These are the same fuckheads who attacked the heroic actions of John Kerry in Vietnam as well as Max Cleland.   They are shamless pigs who should be denied access to the political process.   Whem the Vietcong released McCain he refused to go unless his men could all come with him.   That's more personal courage than i could ever hope for. and I damn sight more than the purveyors of this garbage.   I puke on their rotting souls.

In happier news, Penn Gillette and Bruce Springsteen were on TV sunday and each said something profound. 

Penn (on the Glenn Beck show) "One thing of which i am certain is that my parents life was much better than my grandparents, and mine monumentally better than my parents.   There is no doubt that the world gets infinitely better with each generation and each generation complains that its gotten worse."

Bruce (on VH1's Storytellers) - "There comes a time when you have to realize that your children have a destiny quite apart from your own.  And by interfering you can't change their forward momentum, you can just fuck up your own."

5:28 PM - 11 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Nina Hartley, Bull Testicles, and the Murder Scene
Category: Travel and Places

Really - this is how the AEE/AVN week went.

Way over to the left of the table was the only person of the thirty at this dinner party who was not associated with the adult industry.    The dinner was at Nove at the Palms and thrown by Adam and Eve.  Porn star Carmen Luvana was there, Ava Rose as well.  Ex Jeopardy writer Tod Hunter was at the table as well as the two lovely ladies who surrounded me. One is a flirty publicist downing absinth from a flask.   And the other a sex columnist who I think if we were both single (neither of us is, but maybe if we were... maybe) 

So the not porn guy over to the left is having a grand old time with his fiancee who IS in the sales end of the adult world.   But me?  I have laryngitis. Can't speak in anything but whispers.   So here's my advice learned that night.  whenever you're at a dinner party and have laryngitis sit across from Nina Hartley.  She talks a lot, and every word is fascinating.  And on the odd chance she has quiet moment, her equally fascinating other half, Ira,  will step up.

For those who know me,  I'm a talker.  to enjoy an evening when I'm stifled means the company was extrordianary. 

And wouldn't you know it,  in a room for of porn stars who takes their shirt off and plays with their nipples screaming "they're stiff, they're stiff"?   Who?   The one non porn guy of course.

I drove this year, mainly so I could listen to Sirius' Springsteen station on the way out.  I'm going to beg them to let me be a celebrity guest DJ.   I would kill for that.   But I would NOT kill Nina Hartley.   That driving was on tuesday and i pulled into my room just in time to hear Clinton and McCain won in New Hampshire.    What an odd place to hear about the shifting fulcrum of the presidential race.

The next night I was back at the Palms for the Playboy party at the Hef suite.    Cool room for a party.  Adult star Regan Reece was naked most of the night.  Jenna was there, but we didn't say hello.   Club Jenna Contract star Roxy Jezel was the friendliest chick in the room - in or out of the business.  Bill Geist of CBS news was there with a film crew - a nice coup.  But I still bolted early and ended up where all the dreams and hopes of AEE attendees congregate in the wee hours - the Circle bar at the Venetian.   Had my annual semi platonic flirtfest with a young lady interrupted by the needs of my staff.  Yeah - 2am and I'm walking around alternating between trying to get one of my people laid, and saving of them from the same fate.

Saturday at lunch I sat around with friends who were texting people in an attempt to find "bull testicles"  -- apparently that's a euphemism for something I don't do.  But I don't do very much.

Sat at Jay Grdina's tabnle at the Awards show Saturday night.  He's really very charming.   It gave me an interesting perspective on Jenna's now infamous speech.  I won't share my thoughts - but I have a few.

And then the story gets interesting. 

I wake up Sunday Morning at about 6am with blood shooting and flying out of my face.  My bed looks like i was stabbed. I go to the bathroom to get some ice and a towel to stop the bleeding and now the whole room looks like a murder scene.  And all i could do was laugh.  If I tell anyone that I spent the week at a porn convention in Vegas and woke up sunday with a bleeding nose, you KNOW what they're going to think.

But I swear.  I haven't done cocaine in DECADES!!!.    I don't smoke.   I don't drink.  I don't gamble.  I'm probably the only guy within a 30 mile radius who did NOT use cocaine last week, and i'm the unlucky fuck who's head explodes!

There's even three people who read this blog who KNOW I didn't do coke - they watched me not do it.

And yet even the emergency room doctor at Cedars thought I was lying - yeah the ER!!!    I drove home with it bleeding (still singing Springsteen, of course) and started tp panick as it didn't clot up in the first 12 hours.    The ER shoved two six inch tampons into my nostrils - oh so much fun - and sent me home.

A day later it was STILL dripping blood and I went to my personal doctor.   He took a blood test to see why my blood wasn't clotting.

He just called and we'll have to draw blood again.

The sample they took clotted too fast.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

Currently watching : Dora The Explorer - Undercover Dora Release date: 15 January, 2008

1:47 PM - 9 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Truth in politics and lies in sex
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I saw the guy who runs this website http://politifact.com/truth-o-meter/ on Cspan this morning.     Best single site for truth in politics on the internet (which was invented by Al Gore)  They spread both praise and shame upon every candidate from every spot on the political spectrum.  It's fair and balanced (which Fox News was... on the day that Gore invented internet)

Speaking of truth... I was in my office having a conversation with an adult film actress who shall remain nameless (unless she reads this and out herself).  She and her husband have no problem fucking others on or off camera. But I asked her why her guy, who I think most girls would find really hot, always goes for women who are... uh...pigs.

And she told me she wondered the same thing, so she asked him.  His theory is that hot girls are so used to getting laid by good looking guys that its just another night.  But fat ugly chicks think they hit the jackpot and "go ape shit on his dick. because they're so fucking grateful"

And that made we wonder... where would i have to go to find a woman that was so grateful for an hour or two with my penis that she was would go "ape shit".   I know women who would marry me, date me.  I even know a few who would probably sleep with me.  But be grateful for the gift I bestowed upon her?

and then last night I saw a show on the National Geographic TV station about a African Tribe that for the good of the larger group isoltaes and banishes women who have tuberculosis or "the Aids".  This show was about a woman who was exorcized from the group three years ago when the shaman determined she had TB.  Since then she has lived alone in a whole, hasn't bathed, hardly eaten, looks like a walking skelton and has lost most of her senses and good portion of her sanity.   After a blood test determind she did not have TB, authorities asked the group to reinstate her into the tribe.  There was no such mechanism of social justice so they were unable to ask on it and she continues her slow painful march toward a horrible death.

She might be grateful if I banged her.

So that's at least one person.

Currently listening : Mr. Lover Lover: The Best Of Shaggy Volume 1 By Shaggy Release date: 29 January, 2002

9:35 AM - 5 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

choosing the next P
Category: News and Politics

I've been promising this one for a while, but we're out of time.  It has to be done.  It's a discussion of the Presidential candidates, all of them, while they're all still around.   

I'll try my best to stay non-partisan, though I make no such offer when it comes to being ecumenical. 

Lets call the Presidency of the United States "a job".   Its a cool job, and like most cool jobs, the salary sucks.  But its a job.  Now I've hired about 50 people in the past two years and the process always starts with people applying for the job, and then submitting a resume.   Here's a list of the the candidates

Clinton, Obama, Edwards, Richardson, Biden, Dodd, Kucinich, Grabel, Guiliani, Romney, Huckabee, McCain, F Thompson,  T. Thompson, Hunter, Paul, Tancredo and Brownback. (19)

Four have pulled their names from consideration.   So I throw away the resumes of Tancredo and Brownback and Tommy Thompson and Mike Grabel and that leaves...

Clinton, Obama, Edwards, Richardson, Biden, Dodd, Kucinich, Guiliani, Romney, Huckabee, McCain, F Thompson, Hunter, Paul, and Brownback. (15)

What I would do next is decide what I'd want to see on a person's resume interms of experience and qualifications.  Remember, I'm not looking at a persons ideas or ideals at this point.  Just looking to see if they belong in the race.   I'm looking for 1) foreign policy experience  2)domestic policy experience  3) government experience  4) leadership experience.  

Most of the candidates do pretty well on this level. Ms. Clinton has foreign policy experience in the senate and the only one of the candidates to ever meet one on one with Benazir Bhutto,  Francois Mitterand,  Abu Abbas (that experience has weight), ran the arkansas school system,  took a leadership role as first lady.   Obama... uh, he has government experience and his time in the state legislature counts toward domestic policy making.  Edwards has no leadership experience.  Richardson has foreign policy as UN ambassador, domestic policy as Sec of Education, and leadership as governor. He bolts to the head of the class.  Biden and Dodd have been committe chairmen of foreing and domestic comittees filling all requirments.  Kucinich, no foreign policy.  Guiliani has no foreign policy experience.  Romney has no foreign policy experience.  Huckabee and Thompson have no foreign policy experience.  McCain?  He lived american foreign policy. Duncan Hunter and Ron Paul have no leadership or foreign policy credentials.

Clinton,  Richardson, Biden, Dodd, McCain.

But that looks a little thin.  So I'm going to check my favorite part of the resume Special skills, talents, and associations.   Lets see if someone(s) can impress us enough to get back in the race.

Obama?  Being black isn't enough of a skill

Edwards? Ran for VP in 04, that's valuable.  Maybe.

Kucinick - looks like a toad but has a hot wife.   Impressive, but no.

Guiliani - Mayor of NY and 9/11 hero.  He cleaned up a tough city and showed some courage when the Presidnet of the US hid liek a scared donkey.  Sure, he's back in.

Romney - Made billions in business and ran the SLC Olympics.  Ye... wait a minute.  Most of his top aides from both endeavors were indicted?   No thanks.

F. Thompson (see Kucinich)

Hunter - nothing special listed.

Ron Paul -  Although I can't find anything here, I'm throwing him back in anyway.   He's too different to go ignored.

so now we have

Clinton, Edwards, Richardson, Biden, Dodd, Guiliani,  McCain, Paul.

Eight is manageable.   Lets bring them in for an interview.

This is where we start talking policy.  Its not worth my time to have this discussion with the unqualified.  you want to work for me I want to know what you think about the most important issues facing america.

1.  The War on Terror.   The person currently holding the job only starts phony ones.  What's you position?

2. Can we please have what the rest of the industrialized world has, medical protection for everyone?

3. Are you willing to pay for these AND balance the budget AND create a surplus within five years by doing the following a(pull the troops for Iraq, b) raise retirement age to 67.5 c) eliminate the tax exempt status for medieval superstition societies (religions)  d) legalize hemp 

4. Can you mobilize a Manhattan Project for new energy sources?

5. Can you change the tax code to a graduated flat tax, or eliminate it in favor of a consumption tax so that the rich start paying their share?

6. Are you willing to admit that border security is paramount and build a system of order and regulation and enforcement?

It kinda falls apart there, doesn't it?  

Who gets Question 1 correct?  Well, really only Ron Paul. 

Who gets Question 2 correct?  Only Clinton and Edwards.

Who gets Question 3 correct? Nobody, though I suspect Ron Paul might come the closest.

Who gets Question 4 correct? They all verbalize the need, I only trust McCain to follow through.

Who gets Question 5 correct? Nobody. 

Who gets Question 6 correct? Guiliani... sometimes but not others.  

That's pathetic.  nobodys got the right answers.  But not to worry america.   That's not how we choose our leaders.  This was excercise in futility to show the futility of the process.   The truth is we choose y who makes us feel comforatable.  The challenges change during a term.  Bush wasn't elected becasue we thought he was best equipped for 9/11 or Katrina or the housing collpase or any of the other things he fucked up beyond belief.  America chooses who seems like a nicer guy.  Bush seemed nicer than Gore.   Clinton nicer than Dole or GHW Bush, Reagan nicer than Carter who was nicer than Ford.   And so it's been (other than Nixon) for 40 years.

We pick the person most like us.  More women support Hillary than any other candidate, more blacks support Obama, more shiny haired Mormons like Romney, Dick Clark types vote for Edwards.  Resumes and policies are shit in the wind to you, my fellow americans.  I look forward to 2008 to see who you'd like to have a beer with, and go jet skiing with on a creek.

Currently listening : Songs to Grow on for Mother and Child By Woody Guthrie Release date: 13 July, 1992

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