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The Middle East conflict and other resolutions
Current mood:  drunk
Category: Blogging
Many of you have asked over the past couple of months, "Where's Big Jim? Why isn't he blogging?" Well there have been a couple of reasons why I haven't blogged in a while, one and probably the most influential reason is because it's been too fucking hot. This has been one of the hottest summers I think I have ever experienced. And with out air conditioning the idea of saddling up in front of my hot computer makes me want to club a baby seal. "So what have you been doing with all your spare time?" You ask. Well brothers and sisters, I've been drink'n and think'n. Now I'm sure many of you, my son included, would consider that a dangerous combination, and to those of you who do I say to you, HOGWASH!
Now, I've been all over the world and experienced all kinds of conditions, and if there's one thing I've learned in my sixty some odd years is that I do not like the heat. In fact I hate it. Personally, I'd rather it was global cooling than global warming. Nothing good comes from hot weather, except a bunch of teenagers running around half naked, and when you think about it teenagers make up a small portion of the Earth's population. So then what do you got? A bunch of withered and or obese people running around half naked and nobody wants to see that. Another example of nothing good coming from the heat, Death Valley, they don't call it that because it's a happy and fun place to visit. One of the hottest places on earth, they call it Death Valley cause you either go there to die or you wish you were dead while you're there. In fact I can only think of one place that I'd like to visit regularly that's 98.6 degrees or hotter on daily basis and I consider the happiest place on earth, and it's not Disneyland.
Think about it brothers and sisters when it's cold you can always put on a sweater and crawl under a blanket with the one you love, but when it's hot you can only take so much off and then you're hot and naked. Now that might work for some of you, but for me that's just not sexy.
(Side note: It has come to my attention that some of the things that I have said or have yet to say might have or may offend some of you. That being said I give those of you who have been offended or will be offended permission to mentally change anything I say into something that makes you feel better about yourself. For example if I say retard or mongoloid, feel free to mentally change that word to Canadian or special needs person. Now that that's that on with the blog…)
During one of the hottest heat waves of the summer and a two week bender I had a revelation on how to end the conflict in the Middle East. Now I think I've done a pretty good job establishing how hot weather can make a person angry. I know it makes me angry, and I'm sure it makes some of you angry as well. The Middle East is one of the hottest places on earth, that being said this is what I purpose, along with dropping crates of food and fliers for twenty five million dollars or what ever the figure is up to now, I suggest we drop air conditioning units as well. Imagine how a persons perspective could change basking in the blissful breeze of air conditioned air. I imagine a scene taking place something like this….
(Sound of phone ringing)
Fade in:
Ali answers the phone.
Ali: Hello
Ahmed: Ali? This is Ahmed my friend. How are you doing buddy?
Ali: I am doing very, very well my friend. How are you doing buddy?
Ahmed: I am doing very, very well my friend.
Ali: How can I help you buddy?
Ahmed: Ali, we need you grab one of your dirty bombs and take it down to market place and suicide bomb it.
Ali: What?! Are you kidding my friend? It's 117 degrees outside buddy. I do not want to leave the house today. It is a perfect 72 degrees in here and I'm going to watch the "Deal or No Deal" on the satellite.
Ahmed: OOOOOh I love that Howie Mandell, buddy.
Ali: I agree my friend; he is very, very good. And that banker is a very, very good negotiator.
Ahmed: I concur my friend, can I come over and watch it with you buddy?
Ali: Of course my friend, bring chips buddy.
Fade out:
And that's just considering the men, now think about the women, covered up in all that cloth, and those aren't summer colors, those are deep dark, heat absorbing winter colors. Talk about oppression, imagine how angry they are? Not to mention the fact that once you finally peel all that linen off of them, you know they must smell like foot. It's a miracle anyone gets laid over there.
So that is my proposal, pass it on….
Another reason I haven't written any blogs this summer is because I threw my back out throwing rocks at fucker Bob. Normally after having a few hundred beers I like to go down to the Yukon River stand on the edge and hurl a few rocks at fucker Bob, it's fun for me, I like to do it. This particular time it was so hot that the Yukon River had been reduced to the Yukon Stream. Seeing how I didn't have to stand as far away from him as I usually do, I figured I could throw more rocks at him. So I did, and everything was going fine and dandy up until I tweaked my back. So there I was, lying face down in the mud with fucker Bob standing on the other side of the stream pointing at me, and laughing that gangly toothed laugh he likes to laugh. It was horrible! So I lied there for a good long week before Thirsty my sidekick and manager for the past 37 years finally found me. He picked me up, carried me up to the house, cleaned me up and through me into bed.
Now, since Bok-Choi, my beautiful Asian flower was off following that devilishly blue eyed music maker John Tesh on tour all summer, and Thirsty had to head down to Hollywood to help develop the remake of "Fighting Man of the Yukon" there was no one to watch over me and nurse me back to health. That being said Thirsty thought it would be a good idea to hire Teddy, the Mongoloid down the street to come in and look after me. Good thinking buddy.
So there we were two peas in a pod, me lying in bed and Teddy sitting in a chair next to me. The T.V. sat in front of the both of us with Teddy manning the remote control. Something that very few people know about Teddy, (myself included up until this past summer) is that he is one territorial son of a bitch. No matter how much I begged pleaded, bargained and demanded he would not give me that remote control, even when I tried to show him how to use it. I would have of taken it from him but considering my back was all out of whack I was in no condition to challenge him. Even if I was healthy that simple son of bitch bested me by a good fifty pounds and was state champion in wrestling at the technical school he went to. I think it would be a good fight.
The first couple of days I spent in "shock and awe" watching the Fox news channel, while Teddy tried to figure out how to work the remote control.
"Hi this Sean Hannity, reporting live from deep inside the presidents colon, where we've managed to burrow ourselves a nice little niche. Stay tuned, in the next half hour we will actually be kissing it."
If I could have reached my log I would have bludgeon myself. Now I'm not one to fall on this side or that side of political trappings but holy turtle titties Fox news is pretty outrageous.
Eventually, blaster sans master figured out how to change the channel and we started watching other programming, which I'll get to in a moment but since we're talking about political television I think I'll talk about this right here. Now I'm not one for talking heads, but this I have to say I agree with. A couple of nights ago Keith "Guy Smiley" Olbermann
(hey you tell me they don't look alike.) had this to say about the president and 9-11 check it out…..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmmV_M0LzZc
I had originally intended to embed this video, but could not for the life of me figure out how to do it, no matter how many times I tried to copy and paste the html code. All I got was code so follow the link brothers and sisters and make your own opinion. He makes reference to "Path to 9/11" that aired on ABC a couple of nights ago, all I have to say about that is whose cock got sucked to get that bag of bullshit on the air? Where's Ken Star when you need him?
On with the blog…
So like I said before Teddy finally figured out how to change the channel and we spent the next day or two watching a Laguna Beach marathon on that there Mtv. Teddy seemed to identify with it and it put him at ease so I didn't fuss too much. However after watching five minutes of that horseshit I understood why bulimia is so prevalent in this country as I myself felt nauseated. I was reminded of a song I co-wrote with country rock star Gram Parsons back in '73 just before he passed away and has yet to be released called, "Honey you're not pretty enough to be a bitch."
I believe it was Whitney "I don't do crack! (Yeah right.)" Houston
who sang the lines, "I believe the children are the future, teach them well and let them lead the way.." Well I don't know who taught these children, but I am scared as hell to let them lead the way. Someone needs a spanking.
Over the course of the next couple of days the channel started changing on a pretty regular basis. We stopped for a few moments on Espn News where we learned that WR Koren Robinson has received yet another DUI. Maybe it's just me but it seems to me that a lot of pro athletes are collecting DUIs like they're trading cards. Now as many of you may know I don't have a problem with someone who enjoys drinking, God knows I enjoy it, but do yourself, your team, and your fans a favor and for Gods sake hire yourself a driver to take you from point A to point B. It's not like you can't afford it. And when you think about it, it's much more cost effective.
Of course every afternoon at around three thirty, I was forced to watch, "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood." This was Teddy's favorite show. He never missed an episode.
Now I don't mind Mr. Rogers so much as long as there's a T.V. screen between the two of us, but let's be honest folks, we're all adults here right? If Mr. Rogers lived in your neighborhood would you really trust him enough to let your children go play with him in his basement? I wouldn't either.
Over the course of the next month we saw a lot of T.V., like that show with Maury Povich and Connie Chung. Remember back in the 80's and 90's when Connie Chung did the news and everyone thought what in the hell is Connie Chung doing with Maury Povich? Well, after watching this show I was beginning to think what in the hell is Maury doing with Connie. Thank god it was finally cancelled. We also caught the premier episode of "Celebrity Duets." Maybe it's because Teddy is the only person I've had to talk to over the past month and a half and maybe it's all the booze I had to drink but Little Richard actually seemed coherent on the show. Other than that this show is just a bunch of pseudo celebrities whose careers are in code blue and this is the crash cart they chose to resuscitate them. God I wish they would have signed there DNR forms. And finally we caught Katie Couric take over the CBS news. I like Katie Couric, it's like having your kindergarten teacher explain the news to you every night. So children let's grab our milk and cookies and sit in a semi-circle around the television tonight and let's all say it in unison, "Good evening Ms. Couric."
One final note, after watching all this T.V. I've noticed an alarming trend, middle-aged women that dress twenty to thirty years to young for themselves. Now this is not a knock against middle-aged women in general, I love middle-aged women just as they are. They should embrace there age, it's beautiful. That being said, just because the name of the store is called Forever 21, doesn't mean it should be taken literally. Here's a link that I think should give you a laugh….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSGJKYuLkNk
That Janice is an evil bitch, god bless her, and god bless Teddy and his extra chromosome for taking care of me this summer.
YUKON FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5:11 PM
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