Jesus' Horoscope for Good Friday

From The Globe and Mail, Friday April 6 2007

CAPRICORN

Don't worry too much if your enthusiasm wanes a bit today - it is only a passing phase.  Everyone has good days and bad days and if you don't get much done over the next 24 hours you will more than make up for it over the weekend when Saturn, your ruling planet, is really on form.

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Newfie in use - March 14

From Chron.com out of (what looks like) Houston, a story about a book about a guy and his dogs.  I'm just trying to be consistent here.

Despite its slender size and a four-footed cast that includes Arden, a dignified Newfie-Lab mix, and Beau, a rambunctious golden retriever, Dog Years wrestles with the Big Questions.

And for maximum contrast, here's an fairly lengthy interview in The Packet (Clarenville) with Pete Soucy mostly about the state of the arts in Newfoundland. 

The province has gone beyond the "Newfie" joke. And, for the record, Soucy is not a fan of the "Newfie" moniker.

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Newfie in use - March 9

You want an outsider's perspective on Newfoundland?  From Toplum Postasi, what I believe is a Turkish-language paper in London, comes this Newfie-riddled account of indigestion and naivety.  The headline is "Newfie and Blubber Pie".

I asked for Newfie fries, hoping to get rid of the fishy aftertaste of rubbery flippers.

I get the feeling Alkan Chaglar may not have used the word "please" when asking to be served some traditional Newfie food in our tiny capital.

Moving along, it just wouldn't be a legitimate article about a Newfoundlander in a Sun-related publication without the word Newfie, now would it?

As a result, few predicted the Newfies in the playoff picture at this Brier featuring Kevin Martin, Jeff Stoughton, Glenn Howard and Pat Simmons.

...although I'm sure Terry Jones is quoting predicting curlers at the Tim Horton's Brier.

Finally from NOW in Toronto, an entertainment listing that popped up.  So for good measure, at the Eton Tavern...

...belt Screech while catching the club's Saturday-afternoon Newfie country matinee.

6:59 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Newfie in use - March 5

This one's a doozy.

Reprinted in Kamloops This Week from Tri-City News, comes this uninformed dreck.  Sorry, but that's the best way I can describe it without falling back on exaggerated superlatives.  Christ.

In this down-homey opinion piece, Tri-City News sports editor Larry Pruner wonders why the Quebecois can't be more like Newfies.  Enjoy!

Despite that province's terribly harsh climate, poor economy and the fact it is on an island the most removed from the mainland, the Newfies are quite pleased to be part of Canada.

It gets better.

"You don't hear the Newfies scream they want to be recognized as 'Newfoundland of the Maritimes,' or, like Quebec, 'Newfoundland the Nation.'"

No, you don't hear the Newfies screaming, do you?

 "Like Quebec, the Newfies have a first language other than English. And it's not French. It's Newf, as they themselves call it."

I swear to God I thought my first language was English.  I think this is supposed to be a joke.  I think.  Hard to tell.

"I've never been to Newfoundland..."

You're kidding me Larry, stop that.  You've concisely pigeonholed the weather, economy, and language ("and darned if I can understand it") to an extent that I got a feeling you might be a little Newfie yourself, if you know what I mean.

"...and, despite my Newfie friend's prodding, I have no intention of ever going there."

Too bad.  In that case you'll likely continue to embarrass yourself on the internet.

Perhaps after reading the thoughts of a woefully ignorant fellow Canadian, you'd like to reach out to him and help: maybe inform him of the existence of Labrador, or give him a better understanding of bilingualism, or introduce him to the fact that Newfoundland was (in every sense of the word) a nation in the not-too-distant past.  If so you can reach him at sports@tricitynews.com.

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Newfie in use - Feb 22

It's raining Newfies.  All links pop.

First off, from The Province in Vancouver, an article you can't read unless you register, but don't worry about it, the headline is remarkable in its clarity.  Or laziness.

Blizzard blasts Newfies

Moving right along, here's some mostly well-written yet flawed satire from The Badger Herald, a student newspaper at the University of Wisconsin.  Worth sticking around for the comments section.

Does the United States need millions of croissant-loving French and Newfies pouring over the border and taking jobs from hard-working Americans?

Next, from the Toronto Star, presumably in Toronto, a sign reading "Newfoundland Says: Break Out the Salami and Cheese!" is the jumping off point to discuss... uh, well I usually skip the sports section, so honestly I don't understand what's going on here.  You probably will.

And no, its inclusion in the lead of this column is not the set-up for some stupid Newfie joke.

And finally, coming home, who's up for Newfie skiing?  Newfie skiing in Elliston, everybody!!!

Enthusiasm, balancing skills and the ability to work as a member of a team, are required for anyone interested in taking part in 'Newfie Skiing'.

Can you guess?  Can ya?

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Newfie in use - Feb 16

From the Georgetown News-Graphic in Kentucky, a story about winning a dog show.

"In the working group, they're up against Newfies, boxers, St. Bernards and they never win."

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An Open Letter to Tim Hardaway

Hey man.  Listen, first off, straight up, I'm a gay.  I feel like I gotta tell you that right off the bat to be fair.  'Cause if you met me, you wouldn't be able to tell too quick.  Shit man, I banged tons of girls.  Alright, maybe half a dozen.  I just want to make sure you know I'm not wearing no friggin' dresses or makeup or any faggy shit like that.  But I got a boy friend, all right?  Just so you know.

And I'm not gonna shit all over you and make shit up about you here either, okay?  I am, absolutely no fucking joking here, trying to help.  You must be pretty stressed out right now, what with everybody who ever worked for a TV station or a newspaper coming down on you.  Even the NBA bosses are giving you a real hard time.

Two things man.  First of all, you said, "I hate gay people", right?  And then you said "I'm homophobic".  See, that's a contradiction, and it makes you sound like you don't know what you're talking about.  I know after you said you hate gay people that the host of the radio show you were on, Dan Le Batard said something like, "You know that's blatantly homophobic", so he kind of led you to say you got homophobia.  But he was wrong too man.

See, look.  Homophobia means "afraid of gay people".  It's a shortened version of  "homosexualphobia".  The "homo" part comes from the greek word for "same".  The "sexual" part, well I'm not gonna insult you explaining what that means, I'll just mention that it comes from latin.  And the "phobia" part, that comes from another greek word that means fear.  So there you go man, homophobia, that's afraid of homos.

And I KNOW you ain't afraid of no homos man!!!  Right?  I know we all say homophobia when we mean "I don't like gays".  But still, you (and everybody man, we all say it)  are there sayin' that you're AFRAID of homos!  Which is nuts right, cause if you were a real homophobe, if we wanted to get all technical and shit about it, then that would mean you were afraid, like fearful of, like runnin'-away-squealing-like-a-scared-little-girl fearful of...  THESE GUYS.  Or  THESE CHICKS.  Or  THIS GUY.  And seriously man, the idea that you would be afraid of any of these homos is a joke.  I know you're not actually afraid of them, even if that's how we use the word.  You're not afraid of them, you don't like them, and that's a HUGE fucking difference.

So what I'm saying is, since you probably feel like people are misunderstanding you, you can do something about it.  Don't call yourself a homophobe, or say you're homophobic, just stop saying anything with "phobe" in it (y'know, unless you're afraid of heights or you got claustrophobia or anything, har har).  Cause when you say, "I'm a homophobe", well then, I go, "Ha ha, that pussy is scared of fags!  What a pussy!!"  Right?  And for different reasons we both want that to stop.

And I'm not telling you to keep on taking back what you said, either.  After everybody freaked out on you, you said, "I shouldn't have said I hate gay people or anything like that. That was my mistake."  And that was cool, 'cause it sounded like you meant if you'd just kept it to yourself you wouldn't be in so much trouble.  But then came this big statement from your agent that was all "As an African-American", and, "I regret and apologize", and, "I regret any embarrassment"...  SHIT MAN, that doesn't even sound like you wrote it.  That just makes you sound like you're owned by somebody, like you let someone else put their words in your mouth.

This is getting long, and I know you got other things to pay attention to, so I'll get to it.  I think we're clear on why you aren't a homophobe.  So now we got to come up with a better word.  And fuck me, you know what?  There's already a word.  "Anti-gay".  You can say you're antigay, and then we would know exactly what you mean, that you're against gays.  That's pretty much exactly what you said, right?  So for the sake of clarity, and to make sure we all know what you're talking about, say, "I'm antigay", and say it like you mean it.  Saying you're a homophobe just makes you sound ignorant.

That second thing I wanted to say.  And again, this is totally, honestly to help you, I know this is gonna sound like a dig, but it's not.  I gotta tell you something you obviously didn't know, and you're gonna be embarrassed when you find out.  Guys like you, straight guys, totally normal guys who go around saying they hate gays?  Listen to me.  There are fucking MILLIONS of people who hear a guy say "I hate queers", and think "That guy's gay".  I AM SERIOUS.  When you say "I don't like to be around gay people", we (and not just the gays man, lots and lots of straight people think this too) all assume that you maybe had real strict parents who told you growing up that sissy boys are no good and beat you up everytime you cried.  Or that you secretly cheat on your wife with guys you pick up on the street and that you think that every gay guy knows what you're doing, and you get real angry at all of them for looking at you like they think they know.  Or that there's maybe someone on your team that you really like, and sometimes it's just the two of you in the shower and maybe you beat each other off and even worse, kiss a little, and if anyone found out that you were capable of tenderness then they'd think you were (worst of all) like a woman.  Whatever.  They don't care about the details, they just think you're gay.  And afraid.

6:08 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Newfie in use - Feb 14

This is a short article in the Toronto Star calling Saskatchewan the new Newfoundland.  I stroke my imaginary fu manchu and slowly say, "Very interesting..."

Even though Saskatchewan residents don't have a distinct accent like Newfies, there are still words unique to the province such as bunnyhug (known as a hoodie in the rest of the world).

4:52 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Newfie in use - February 10 2007

Again with the Newfies.  First off, from the London (Ontario) Free Press, a story on a cashier originally from Newfoundland.

It was, as she puts it in her lilting Newfie brogue, "a bit of a rough go".

Next, Newfie Night in Virginia.  Brief and inaccurate, but hey, what do I know, I'm writing in Newfoundland.

The event draws about 100 "Newfies," Canadians, family and friends, and newcomers get a screech in. (Any grammar nazis/english grads out there? What's wrong with this sentence? Thanks in advance, he said, sentence fragmently.)

And finally, someone with a radio show in Vancouver solicits Saskatchewan ('s a cat yer chewin' on) jokes.  Past that fact I'm not sure what the article is about - it's a Star/Sun column so it's disjointed, smug, and uses the word Newfie.

Do Newfoundlanders howl as one whenever a Newfie joke is told somewhere else in the country?

(If we did, would you listen?)

4:01 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

News of the Day

Whew!  I just gotta say, what a day, hey?  Three things (in no particular order):

Anna Nicole Smith, dead.

Looks like The Police are gonna tour.

The provincial district I grew up in just elected a nose-picking Creationist as their MHA.

Perhaps you can understand my giddiness.  Anna Nicole, The Police, my high school science teacher, not to mention another season of Survivor, it's all too much.  To me, these events are related, but I don't know how.

1)  I am troubled by the passing of Anna Nicole - or more accurately I was, briefly.  The entertainment news industry were really riding her for all she was worth in the past few months, and then she had to go and collapse and pass otherworldward.  How's the story going to end?  This throws a big augmented wrench into the works, and for some reason, I'm not happy about it.  I guess I don't look forward to surprises from mass media anymore.

2) The Police.  This is exciting primarily because of a phenomenon unique to the band, but which you may recognize.  When these three gents pick up instruments and begin to play, a strange unspoken and mighty antagonism seeps up through the floorboards, and before they get to the chorus the second time, they're waist deep in a crashing pool of violence, tension, and unexplainable hatred, probably mostly for each other.  Watch the Grammies (they're opening) and see it for yourself.  Now they of course are all getting up there in age, so who knows, those fires may have mellowed.  But if we're lucky, Sting could die.

3)  John Dinn, my old Junior High science teacher, has been elected MHA for Kilbride.  There are three things I'd like to pass on about him. 

-First, when I was his student, he took about 70 students to Salmonier Line for a day to do a "pond survey".  We traipsed around the pond, fell in, took notes on plants and animals, made a map... one of the best field trips ever.  Near the end of the day he cooked caribou, on a fire (am I wrong?), and we ate it off a flat rock (this I know is right).  And that is a defining moment of my life.

-He was Ward 5 (The Goulds) St. John's city council representative for, oh, about a decade.  The only time I happened to catch him on Channel Nine addressing the council at a meeting, he was picking his nose as he spoke.

-A few years back he was the featured interviewee for The Telegram's "20 Questions".  Turns out my old science teacher didn't take much stock in ol' Darwin's (It's-Just-A) theory of evolution.  Specifically he posed the question: If we evolved from apes, then how come we still got monkeys? 

An interesting question, to be sure, albeit a dishonest one.  Maybe he was kidding.  After all, he was employed as a SCIENCE teacher for years here in Newfoundland.  Oh well.  Whatever he meant, he couldn't possibly be any more dense than Paul Shelley, so at least he's got that going for him.

Paul Shelley:  "What?"

Me:  "Nothing."

7:55 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment