Certified.... or certifiable....
Category: Life

I'm now certified... or certifiable... depending on who you talk to. Yesterday I took, and passed, my written test to complete the PADI course for SCUBA diving.

Basically this means I'm now allowed to rent dive equipment and terrorize marine life. Muhahahahahahaha

Oh, and my Mom gets to come too.

How many Moms of (let's see, if I'm 18 she would be......) 43 do you know who would be up for that challenge? My Mommy ROCKS.

Our instructor came to our house for the test so it would be easier on everyone.

I relaised something while Mommy Dearest and I sat at the dinning table....

....... It's really fucking hard to tune out a consitant high pitch babble.

I think one gets to the point in a day when our inability to tune out the noise created by the hyperactive motor mouth I call a child just comes to an end.

Finis.

If it weren't for Daddy Dearest stepping in and removing the Mouse, I think she might have ended up bound and gagged in another room.

Poor thing. She must have felt so left out.

Well, if she hurrys up and learns to swim she'll be able to come snorkelling at least......

Now, if I could only find the time to use this wonderful new certification. The weekends look booked well into November. *sigh*

4:29 AM - 57 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

I hate you "VIP" Movie Theatre
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

Dear Stupid People in Charge,

My dander is up. My claws are out and if you aren't careful I'll use them on the pleather "lounge" chairs in your so say "VIP" theatre.

I know you might be wondering why I'm a little peeved. "What is wrong? We offer our valued customers, who pay through the nose for VIP treatment, stellar service!", you ask yourself.

Well, sorry to burst your bubble there darling, but your service ain't no frikken bed of roses.

Let me set the scene.

My Better Half (I'll call him that because I'm the one who lost my cool and nearly threw a temper tantrum) and I ATTEMPTED to see Batman a few weeks ago.

You see, all VIP membership services had been suspended due to the correctly anticipated high interest in the movie. That basically meant that the VIP Theatre would not be pre-selling tickets before the day of the show.

Got that? NOT be pre-selling tickets before the day of the show. NOT.

So, I merrily skipped my way to the VIP Theatre on my way home from work on the desired viewing day, happy in the knowledge that I would be able to have my pick of seats; see, you open at 4 and I was there by 4:45pm.

I stood at your ticket counter and your gracious empolyee helped my choose great seats. I paid for my chosen seats and hummed my way home full of thoughts of sugar plums and batman scences dancing through my head.

We arrived early for the show to beat the long line sure to be at the refreshment counter.... when the grim faces of our fellow movie goers unsettled my tummy. I asked my Better Half to check no one was in out seats while I stood in the line.

An aside.... on a busy night why, for the love of the flying spaghetti monster, was there only one cash register open? Hmmm?

Better Half soon returned with the news that our seats were occupied. We approached the usher to rectify this unfortunate situation and have the interlopers booted, only to be informed that the theatre was over booker and our seats belonged to the people who currently rested their butt cheeks in them.

Esqueeze me?

I asked if I understood correctly.

My seats, with seat numbers, which I had chosen off of a screen with maybe 5 seats sold, are not valid?

Apparently, they HAD pre-sold seats the day before for the showing, and, according the night manager, the system they use is unable to issue seat numbers the day before the show, so the cashier the following day was unaware of the fact that the seats had already been sold.

Seriously?

"There is always a degree of human error".

Please. You mean to tell me that when you are pre-selling seats and you are unable to access the seat plan for the next day that it is oh so difficult to write down which seats have been sold and tape the information to the screen?

Better yet, you could print off a seating plan and fill in the sold seats manually to be inputted by the cashier the following day at the beginning of his or her shift....

Amazing....

OR you could do as promised and NOT PRE-SELL SEATS when you say you won't.

Ta-da!!!! Problem solved!

Anyfuck... how did your night manager take care of the uppity annoyed pint sized bitch infront of him? He gave her a full refund and free "Guess" Passes for another night.

Still fuming, we left to try and figure out what "Guess" Passes are.

The following week we again tried to see Batman. We are told that there are seats available but the cashier is unable to pull up the screen to tell us which ones (I ain't sitting with my nose pressed to the screen, are you?). Hmm. I have to pay first to find out, and then she wouldn't be able to issue me a refund if the seats are not to my liking.

Uh huh.

We left.

Third time lucky?

AGAIN we go to see Batman. This time there is not a soul in sight as we approach the ticket counter. The hype has died down and the people have moved on to greener pastures.....

We finally get our seats and use our Guess Passes, which we have figured out are really GUEST Passes.... who knew.

In case you are wondering Mr. Idiot, THREE attempts to see one movie at your VIP Theatre is unacceptable.

I want more Guess Passes, please and thanks.

Sincerley,

Pissed off and pint sized.

2:31 PM - 32 Comments - 22 Kudos - Add Comment

A little bit of this and a little bit of that
Category: Life

So.... Hi there folks.... how's things?

Life got busy. Sorry.

First of all, it was Crop Over Season here. That means we had a long ass weekend and lots of drinking to do.

Next year I'm going with the whole piece costume. Yikes.

After that day was done the company I work for shut for the rest of the week. I like these people.

Mommy Dearest and I also did our PADI course, finally.... so, as soon as we take our written exam (and pass it *couggh*) we will be certified divers!

No, there are no pictures. Please. Mask face? With regulators in our mouths? How attractive.

This past weekend was also my 10 year Reunion from what you people call High School.

Casually elegant my ass..... should have worn a dress. Ah well.

It was good to see all those people, although half of them I wouldn't have known if I bumped into them on the street..... which has apparently happened.

Ooops?

Do you see the "crowd" and the excitment?

Anyfart, we tried to recreate this picture of years gone by (pfftttt, sooooo long ago, right?)

Two of the girls were missing, so this was the best we could do.

Awwww.

At least J9 got rid of those horrid glasses. Hehe

That's all folks. DB has more pictures from Crop Over but I haven't been able to pry them from his grasp yet. He fears I may delete them......

...... he fears correctly.

What's new?

3:48 PM - 40 Comments - 32 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Sir
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Dear Sir,

Please be advised that your behaviour the other day was not condusive to a good work ethic withing this company. Further to this, please be aware that any future exhibitions of this kind will not be met with a favourable response on my part.

Oh who the hell am I kidding, you were obviously raised on a pig farm in bum fuck nowhere....

Listen Fuckhead,

You acted like a child, if my daughter had pulled that shit I would have whopped her ass and told her to come back and speak when she was able to set her face right..... take your shit elsewhere, jackass. Try it again, make my day.

Kind Regards,

The Bitch in the Office.

On another note....

Awwwwwwwwwwww

That it all. As you were.

7:55 AM - 39 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment

Nothing to say, just stopping by
Category: Life

Just wanted to say "Hi" and see how everyone is.

How are you all? What's new?

I'm housesitting for the people with the horses. You remember the horses, right?

It's nice. I miss my family, but I'm also really missing having my own space.

Mouse and I cooked together last night and then, after she had done the work I set her (she needs to keep the school work up) we baked and decorated cookies. 

It was nice. I even resisted the urge to eat them all after she was in bed!

DB is away on business in Canada.... so I have a big empty house and a big empty bed and no DB. I miss my DB.

Last weekend was my friend J's hen night. We dance together, she's getting hitched this weekend.

DB hates the dress I bought, says it looks like someone's curtains. The ass. My resolve to wear the damned thing was strengthed when he made that comment.......

Anyway, here are a few pics from the hen night.

The Bride aka Marilyn.

The girls got a little tied up.....

I was too busy drinking. And pulling stupid faces....

Every Hen Party needs penis cookies.

"Marilyn:" being serinaded.... "She had 3 boyfriend, Harry, Tom and Dick, she got rid of Harry and Tom, 'cause J loves DICK".

*snort*

That's all I got. Hopefully I'll remember to take pictures at the wedding too!

6:16 AM - 43 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

Down boy!
Category: Romance and Relationships

Yesterday evening as we watched my spawn try out her brand new pink as hell bike, DB made a comment that got me thinking.

He looked down at my legs and shook his head "You need to shave, I can actually SEE the hair sticking off your legs."

I raised and eyebrow and fired back, "Don't worry, you aren't going to be touching them anyway."

(Aunt Flo is in town. Too much information?)

He laughed, "No, but I want what's mine to look good."

Of course he knew that would raise my hackles and whip me into an idignant frenzy, the dormant feminist would soon be out for blood... I think he likes my dormant feminist, he seems to find her amusing.

So I got him back. I said nothing..... Muhahahahaha

Anyway. It got me thinking... what is it with you men?

Seriously.

My ex husband once grabbed my.... umm.... front bottom... and said "Don't be giving my things away."

Really.... I married that fool? By the way he said it you would think I was the one porking half of the island.....

Another ex once told me he liked everything he owned to look good.... and that I should lose 3 lbs.....

Uh huh.

Whenever I hear something like that it makes me wonder if they have lost their frikken minds.

Does that chump really think his Snouzer's gonna be bedding down anywhere but the dog house after that?

What's next? Lifting his leg to mark his property?

Maybe we should rub your nose on the toilet bowl rim the next time you leave the seat up.

Treats for doing chores!

Heh.

I'm liking this.

The next time a man treats me like chattle I'm going to whack him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and say "NO!"

Who's with me?

8:53 AM - 21 Comments - 26 Kudos - Add Comment

How Does This Thing Work Again?
Category: Life

So, I've been neglecting this,

Life is busy, work is busy(ish). I'm sowwy. Pwease forgive me *insert puppy dog eyes and mournful look*

Mouse and DB on the Fun Run (we walked... duh). Mouse only got 2 short piggy backs on this 5 mile trek. I was soooooo proud of her.

Aren't they cute?

This was towards the end of the Hash from Hell. We went doooowwwwwwnnnnnn and down and down then down some more.... to then go UP. DB nearly hurled and I hurt for the next few days. See the ridge in the distance? That's where we started.... and have to go back to.

Where to next? Fucking hell.... this was at the start, that's why I still look happy. I was thinking "Wohooooo, more downhill please!" ...... I'm really fucking dumb sometimes.

And, Sunday night. Just before we danced to The Prayer. Some of these girls are leaving for University (I dance with frikken youngins), I'll miss them, the rest I'll only see every now and then until September. *sniffle* Two will be hitched by then.

T, in the purple next to me did my make-up.... I still cant get some of it off.

That's all I have for you. What's new with you lot?

6:46 AM - 53 Comments - 36 Kudos - Add Comment

I had a dream.....
Category: Romance and Relationships

And it took every ounce of my being not to wake up screaming.

I don't know if it's all the constant wedding chatter around me or if my sub-conscious just likes to fuck with me..... but this was the most disturbing dream I've had in a long time.

Let's set the scene.

DB and I are sitting having a chat, I think the chat centred on weddings and the fools that cause them.... when suddenly DB gets up and says "While we are on that subject..."

DB disappears into the bedroom where I hear much rummaging and banging and then returns with a ring.

He then places the ring on my ring finger and asks me to marry him.

I say yes... My actual self is screaming no, but my dream self says yes. What a dumb bitch.

Anyway, the ring doesn't fit on my ring finger. It's about 10 sizes too big.....

So I try it on my other fingers and it fits each one.

The rest of the dream is spent trapsing through Bridgetown trying to find a jeweler who can make the ring fit, but no matter what they try, it just won't.

I woke up sweating and scared and DB just looked at me like I was crazy when I told him. He was equally scared at the thought.

How'd ya like them apples? Hmmmmm?

5:36 AM - 28 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m still alive.... I think
Category: Life

Just letting you people know I'm still alive.

Working hard (not really, but I can pretend).

Playing hard (not really, but I can pretend).

Mouse has had an ear infection followed by a UTI.

Fuuunnnnnnnnnnnnn.

What was more fun? The doctor asking me, in front of the almost 7 year old, how many men live at home.

Ok, I can see why they need to ask that, but in front of her BEFORE the examination?

Then she proceeded to ask her if anyone touches her "down there".... BEFORE the examination.

I would have liked to have thought they would have had a look, seen something un-kosher-like and THEN asked the almost 7 year old if anyone touches her private parts.

I was a little angry. Especially since one would prefer to avoid covering that topic.... ya know?

Ah well.

At least they ask.

DB is another year older.... quickly making that climb to 30... and leaving his hair behind on the way. *snort*

I am currently a snot factory. My first cold of the year... noice. I'm glad the men in this office don't mumble, cause I'm a little deaf as a direct result of the snot factory.

I guess I match the car now... sweet.

So, ummm, how are you people?

9:32 AM - 40 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

I really really really hope it’s not in the water.
Category: Romance and Relationships

Something must be in the water.

It's spreading here like no tomorrow.

Everytime you turn around another half demented loon, ill with this strange disease, is grinning at you with a horrid disfigurement on their hand.

When will it end?

More importantly, why do I have to hear about it?

I don't care what stage your disease is at. I caught that one years ago and managed to rid myself of the symptoms, so the last thing I want to listen to is a description of every complicated detail.

Even worse, you people keep inviting me to watch your doom..... and make me wear a dress.

Sadists. 

9:02 AM - 43 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment