Afraid of getting old.
Current mood: bummed
Category: Life

Hmmm...where to start.Can it be the 6 gray hairs and counting?Starting to thin out as well.....I guess I'm as old as I want to be.I fear that my child-like mentality,and selfishness among other things are taking a toll.Having to make adult decisions,just because it would be the right thing to do.They're right.I'm not a kid anymore,but what's wrong in trying to find balance in everything?I don't care what ANYONE THINKS,but I'm looking foward to playing a videogame with my kid/s when I have them.Yes,I just want to play drums/sax all day.I guess what I'm afraid of is that everyone's outlook on  being an adult.You have to think a certain way,act a certain way,grow a certain way,get old a certain way,etc...........Yes I am selfish,I WANT IT ALL!!What's wrong with that,if it's for something positive,and what I believe in very strongly?Yes,I look at things a little different,but there are those in my life who'd EXPECT DIFFERENT FROM ME!!!I'm taking care of the things that I need to change about me physically,but does that  mean I have to change how I feel  mentally because it is "the adult" thing to do?A game of chess,Monopoly,Clue,strip poker(uh,maybe that's getting a little too carried away)etc......What's wrong with that?I'm a 32 year old kid at heart,who is afraid of  getting old because that is what OTHERS want and need me to be.So many other things about this as well,but I dont want to scare anybody away just yet!!!!Is it possible to find balance in being an adult,making adult decisions,and yet still keep my child-like mentality,to always have fun?I guess only time can answer that for me.....Thank you to all who read this.if any!!

11:55 AM - 5 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

What am I doing?
Current mood: enraged
Category: Romance and Relationships

It seems that no matter what I do,it's never enough.Whenever I try to be romantic,it's always the WRONG TIME!!!I don't need anybody to HOLD MY HAND WHILE MAKING A FUCKING DECISON!!!If anyone out there is reading,for fuck's sake,please tell me what is so wrong with making a decision TOGETHER AS A COUPLE?Why does all of it have to lie on the other person OR me for that matter?Isin't that what being in a relationship is all about?To make decisions TOGETHER????We both have been through rocky waters in the relationship to say the least.I am NO PATRON FUCKING SAINT EITHER!!!I understand that.But I know well enough to STAND MY GROUND!!! Yes I am slow when it comes to doing certain things only to try to do it THE RIGHT WAY,and to do it to the BEST OF MY ABILITY!!What's is so wrong with trying TO ENJOY WHAT IT IS THAT I'M DOING??I also know that I WILL NOT GO WHERE I'M NOT WANTED!!!I can only go as far as I am ALLOWED TO GO!!!I can be romantic,only when it's convienant for someone.It's not my choice,but it is what it is. I want to step up and make certain moves and decisions,but I'm afraid that it will not be enough.There will always be that place where I am NOT ALLOWED TO GO!!!It will always be to a certain degree.I also know that you can't TURN IT ON AND OFF,at a matter of convienance,either.Am I crazy for thinking this way?Am I just going for a roller coaster ride,just to get what I want?Am I selfish,self-centered??Am I NOT A REAL MAN,JUST BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHANGE A DIAPER????Does It make me any less of a person,because I don't know what it takes to be a father?And finally,does it make me any less of a man to be afraid that I will not be a GOOD FATHER ??These are some things that I'm going through and feeling right now.What am I doing?Am I doing it right? Thank you,to all who wish to read and comment.

7:56 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A Favorite old saying in which I am continuing to live by.
Current mood: determined
Category: Life

A warrior skilled in indirect warfare is infinite.As heaven and earth,inexhaustible.As river and sea,he ends and begins again.Like sun and moon,dies and is born again,like the Four Seasons.   "The Art of War"By Master Sun-tzu.My heart never lies. It has been ripped open.It will heal again.It will even forgive,but will never forget.This too,shall pass.

7:26 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment