Moonshine on your face, Staring at the sun I remember our embrace. Come on over and cook my blood hot through my veins. Stolen moments are all I can see anymore, You know I loved you for at least those seconds.
I’ll meet you on the countryside, Laying in the grass in the pasture. Watch the clouds go by, And see the futures’ shapes in the sky. It’s spring now and I feel the heat on my back, Rolling to the other side.
Summer time and sweat dripping down my brow, I look over to see your smile. Watching the waves break on the shore, I make the same wish over and over. Seeing this all before, The lifeguard hasn’t stopped believing either.
When fall comes it’s easy to get caught up in this mess I’ve made, Every day seems the same and repetition is once again the daily ritual. Stop me so I can’t begin this end over end cliff dive. I still love you when the leaves change colors, Wearing your familiar touch on my sleeve. The noose hasn’t been made, But once again I feel the tightness around my neck.
With winter comes the hell that we’ve brought to the table, Circling back again and never telling me the truth. Heavy jackets don’t compare to what I feel on my chest, Wrapping ourselves in a blanket of regret. Why couldn’t you tell me sooner, You should’ve said something when the flowers were blooming.
I can’t get these seasons out of my head, Wishing I could spend them all with you.
Finally the positive thinking pays off. I always believe it will, I’m the one who tells you to keep your chin up. Good things happen to good people I say all the time. Now look what happens when the sky opens up wide, down falls what I’ve been wishing for the past two days.
Meaningless to anyone but me, This is the way to be. Secret smiles and uplifting thoughts, Can redeem themselves as dreams I caught. Mindless cussing and rage inside gets me nowhere But to the medicine cabinet for blood pressure pills.
I have good feelings about my life, you can’t tell by what I write but I do. I know for a fact that it will turn out the way I want, I’m not alone with just wishing it’d be what I want right now! Everything falls into place when the time is right, Some things take longer then others, But eventually they do.
Take a picture of my smile, It will last a lifetime and put one on your face. Just because they are contagious, Doesn’t mean they don’t have to come from somewhere. My happiness can only get better, I’m a firm believer in that.
Being relieved is the best feeling, Having that weight lifted and the worry go away. It seems all too fair to me, Having this be what it’s meant to be. Reflections of stone are what holds us together in times of struggle, The glue is what binds us to our favorite people. In times of need and worry, Think of the strength of a stone, It will help you conquer what you need to.
I’m not the only one who thinks the world is crashing down, Starting a riot in my own home. Home being where the heart is, I succumb to feelings of pity and shame. Feeling walked on and pissed off, I still refuse to go down into this fiery hell I call my thoughts. I wanted to break faces and throw things, Cussing at nothing in particular. Just like the old days, I felt it. I felt the let down, I felt the anger, I felt the pain of having nothing once again. These shifting emotions, like a rollercoaster with the twists and turns I bare down with white knuckles holding on for the ride. I hate that I can’t get what I truly want, and everything takes all the effort from me. I feel singled out and filtered from the world.
I want to lay down in a field and watch the clouds, Thinking of them as signs of which way to go, the next move to make. As if nothing mattered and all my problems are cleared from my slate. When asked if I think I could do better, I know I could, but the question is, How? My face gets red when things turn south, and my heart turns black, Because then I trust no one and I think they all betrayed me.
So I sit on the beach and watch the waves do their thing, Nothing bothering them, nothing interfering with how they work. It’s simple and notorious for killing, but also making new life. Revolving around the same sky every night, Turning and twisting underneath the surface. Just like me. In this life you are what you make, I’m beginning to make it real hard. How do I make it easy?! Getting a head-rush and butterflies in my stomach, I turn to your beauty in times of need. If only you were actually here.
If I don’t mind to change one bit, where’s that get me? If you tell me I’d be dead tomorrow, what’s that have to do with today? These are just some simple questions plaguing my mind tonight. I can’t sleep because I’m too tired, These thoughts running through my brain, Tripping me upon the mirrors I see all night. In the dark corners I still see your face. Why can’t I leave you alone? Leaving isn’t the problem when faced with danger, It’s the possibility of this turning into love.
You say I can’t help you anymore, That’s what keeps me around. Hoping I’ll fall back into the abyss from before. I want to change this life I have, Change it for the better. To be adored, and loved, and cherished, Is all I really ask for. To make someone happy enough to give those things to me, Seems impossible as I speak slowly onto this table. Fill myself with shame and pity, Remembering the days of back when I said those were the best.
Separate these twisted feelings around and turn them back onto me, No cure for what I have, I’m not your average, everyday man. I want… a lot of things. Different things, different thoughts, different look, different feelings. Can you handle my artistic depression? I thought not. Kiss me to sleep like a snake shows his tongue before he strikes. I’m expressing myself because I have no other way of telling you, I miss you, I love you. You’re always on my mind, I wish you were here. Everyday I think of your face and how you could’ve changed my life, If you would’ve only stayed around. Guess heaven is better then this place, Maybe I should join you.
My head is beginning to be a place of purgatory for me, Not a place of solace. Can someone help me in understanding how I can change this direction So it works for me, Instead of me working for it.
I’ve been waiting for my reward my whole life. It’s weird because it’s everyday that I expect it to come to me. Maybe if I give up on this reward, then it will come to me finally. Maybe there’s no way of telling you right off the bat, That everyday I seek my fire in my eyes. In the beginning I chose to make my own way, Not listen to advice from the elders. It’s not fair when they say I didn’t or don’t try at life. That’s not true, I just do it MY way.
I had time on my side when I was young, No need to care, just getting by with what I had. Then I came to realize that I have to stand up and make something of myself Even if it’s just doing it for me. We all know I’ve screwed up and made some bad decisions…some mistakes. But these types of things are what made me who I am right?
I want her to touch me, touch my face as she kisses me. I want to feel her breath on my chest when we sleep. I want her to kiss me, so I know what it’s like to have my own fireworks. There’s too much tattoo ink when we roll through the mud, That’s what makes this a revolution. Our fires are being put together and it’s burning the whole city down.
I want to jump for joy, But not look like an idiot. Smoothing her skin over with my fingers, Making my way to her neck… Putting just enough pressure around it to get her to calm down. To feel protected, trusted, loved, lusted. It’s not everyday I can get away with doing such things.
This has gotten out of control, and way off track. Maybe my reward is what I make of myself. Being able to look back and say “I did this…all for me”.
Getting in my car tonight, I drive it to get away. Away from the painstaking decisions I have to make. I just want to settle down, live and love ya know? I want something to drive ME, Not the other way around. I want to wake up to those blue eyes every morning, Making me immortal in my own wars. I listen to the song I want played at my funeral, While I look for that special number in my phone book. Wisdom isn’t making sense to me right now, My judgment is cloudy as I tend to drift into past rituals. I feel privileged to be living, But why has my conscience let me down again? It’s giving me a will to hold on to, Yet I remain seated in past regrets.
I’m running in the dark streets, searching for who knows what, All I can find is myself…3 years ago. I can’t stop the thoughts of running away and leaving myself behind. But I must, this is what I need to do in order to become the man I want to be Some die each day fleeing from this urge, this weakness, this addiction… Only to see it coming in the end. It has broken me and given me up to the Gods. Taking my truth as I take my last breath.
I keep this photograph of us back then, It serves as a reminder of what I used to be. Nowadays I still think of those times, But I don’t feel them anymore. I figure the worst is over now and I can breathe again, But this fight might make my life a living hell. The only time I feel right is when I’m broken. The only time I can accomplish something is when I have demons, And urges, and addictions. That was my best times, my best fights, my best writings… right? I got this ink on me for a reason, I must continue the path of the righteous.
Struggling with the war raging inside the earth. Bombs of nuclear missiles and hungry termites, Waging an incentive up to your ears. Screaming for you to give it all back to them, I hear the little kids playing in the streets Crashing into parked cars and laughing at the chipped paint on the side. Meaningless little runts, No use for me, no respect, nothing to live for. Some people shouldn’t be able to bear children. They should live in fear and help raise the ones they’ve left at the market.
Nothing says I love you more then a slap on the face. So I turn the other cheek to you and spit on the ground. Hypocritical Jesus they call me. I do everything backwards and then right side up again. This path of redemption I seek means nothing to anyone but me. People read my words but can’t hear my thoughts, and I think I like it that way.
Inspiration used to come so easily back in the day, When I was fresh off a bag of dope. Writing away at an old desk, pushing the used cd cases out of my way. You have no idea that I almost cut myself a couple times while licking the razorblade clean. There’s been trials put to rest over the things I’ve done, things I’ve said and I still owe you a shot in the chest. That’s why I put the gun in my own hand and lay to rest knowing I’m safe.
I speak of the nightlife I miss, it’s always going to be there. The lights and the music, the sweat and the booze, the dancing and the drugs. There’s nothing more momentous then getting my rocks off on a Saturday night dance floor…thanks bitch. I wish I could look into those eyes I used to beg to see, His eyes, so knowingly. Setting me up for disaster as I struck my own cord, beat my own drum. I’m going to try something different tonight and stay up drinking coffee instead. Shopping for bombs and gifts for you on the World Wide Web, Makes it MUCH easier for me to claim my righteousness. Without you I don’t know how much I could really take this world. Burning my eyes out with unholy confessions I want to witness your ocean-blues before I reign supreme. Call me crazy, or call me uneducated…. I still pass these genes onto those little roaches And call your Mother my Queen.
I ask myself what it is that I miss. It’s the same as before, fighting with the devil on a cold night. Trying to make it warm all over my body, With a tear in my eye and a familiar burn in my nose. Credit cards slicing and dicing the boulders down to a fine powder, The money that has a better use then this, rolled up and lifted high. The glass table, or mirror, or cd case make use as the land of the free.
We bring this devil into our mind thinking it will release all inhibitions, What we don’t realize is that it’s just a cover up. A money-grubbing waste of time and energy. This substance controls my emotions and builds my confidence like a mountain, but needless to say it’s just a façade…all in my imagination. Making my eyes wide and my teeth chatter, Looks to me that I’m having a good time. So good in fact, that I don’t want the night to end.
The lights of this heavy pounding place blurs my vision. I’m supposed to be on the right path, but I continue to merge into oncoming traffic. Remembering nights of passionate release, never minding the hole I was digging for myself. Missing this could be the worst thing possible for me. Fighting this could also be the worst thing for me.
What is a man to do when his nights are filled with nothing but tv and relaxation? I’m supposed to appreciate this?! How? And why is it that I can’t go a night without thinking about diving into the river of madness just once? That seems to be the thoughts I’ve been consumed with mostly these nights.
It’s like I was away for so long, I begin reminiscing about those nights that had me chained to the lights and thumping music. I can’t begin to imagine how I’m going to feel when I taste that familiar numbness, the burn under my eye as the tear falls to my cheek. I remember why I stopped to begin with, the thumping in my chest… thoughts of my life ending and the pain it would cause. But is that enough?
When I stare at the sky and see the stars, I wonder where you are. Where is my heart and soul? Where is all this love I'm supposed to feel? I wish it where here with me right now. I sometimes can't take being alone, And how that makes me unrealistic in my expectations.
The beauty of seeing things for what they are, Doesn't apply to me on a daily basis. I miss the old days, but not the fights I had within. I miss having everyone searching for me every night, Looking into my eyes and wondering where I've been. Tearing my thoughts apart, looking for insight and advice of some sort.
Why deny this pain inside, Take one look at me and tell me you feel the same. Sunlight only makes it better. I've found that nature can be a stress reliever. It's simple and it's everywhere. Things that we hold sacred, secrets we have buried inside… Can be revealed in the forest. The trees and animals are great listeners.
Hammering out these words of recognition, Feelings of past and feelings of regret, Feelings of lost love, feelings of loneliness… You can let them out, let them go. Be yourself and feel the sunshine on your face, Knowing that you are not alone.
I suggest getting back to the basics, Going to where it's simple and non-habit forming. Performing a cleansing ritual of letting it all go, Everything you have inside, pent up, bottled up… Being alone on a path surrounded by nature is just one way, One way to open up and relax, feel the weight lifted.
Without the daily drama life should be peaceful. Inside I'm finding it harder and harder to be alone, or to even be truthful to myself. The only person I should be is me right? Then why am I thinking the negative thoughts again? Trying to find a way out of this and walking my correct path again, Is a lot harder then it seems on the outside. I try too much I think. That just makes it harder. Of course I've always been just like this, Deep inside my own head and not giving myself the true part of life. Only I can save myself, no one else can do it… They can help, but that would get them nowhere in their own lives. And I don't want to hold anyone back either. I just want a peaceful existence, is that so much to ask for?
Last night I was fighting my demons again, being that I don't have anyone but myself to answer to, I almost fell back into the dark side of my old life. It's so hot in this hell I create, Won't you come and cool me down some? It's not healthy for me to be like this, Always dreaming of the good life. Dreams are what make us strive to be a better person, or create a better life right? Then it should be all about making the best of what we have, Dreaming of the extravagance of something unattainable just doesn't bring us to the higher power we seek.
Ripping my insides out I just can't believe I turned out the way I did. It's just not fair to see others struggling and all I think about is making it better for myself. Or making myself better.
All I know is that I want a life only I can live through. So far, so good.
