4:57 AM - no need to name
Category: Writing and Poetry

"do you think they'll remember me?"
words echoed in my head as i came down.
words never spoken in reality
only in my absent mindstate
i saw her again today
when i closed my eyes
and i felt her touch as
i lay down beside
the empty pillow
envisioning her
there...
the way it used to be
what seems like a million miles
could never stand between
what this heart posesses.
but she posesses this heart
her grasp has never let go
and i never fought to loosen
for a feeling like that
is rare
and nothing, no one,
will ever compare.

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

5:35 AM - i never wanted to be a poet
Category: Writing and Poetry

let my mind take me where it sees fit...
alone or with companionship...
breathe new life into these blackened lungs...
and give me the words to convey...
what is within...

i never wanted to be a poet...
i just wanted to write...
release my thoughts from the prison walls...
to soak up the oxygen and breed new dreams...
i didn't set out to make a difference...
my reasons were simple...
selfish even...
but when the pen touches paper...
and the ink flows...
the words somehow arrange themselves...
in a fashion that was somewhat poetic...
sometimes obvious...
often riddled...
always truth...
i can sit across from you...
and not open up in conversation...
but i can write something...
and suddenly my walls have collapsed...
i've let you into a side of me i may regret...
no formal training...
no teachers...
just those who inspire...
and this is what comes out...
rants from my mind...

i never said "i want to be a poet when i grow up."
because i never wanted to grow up...
i never wanted to be a poet.
i just wanted to be...
"real"

1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

1:44 AM - rewrite
Category: Writing and Poetry

i'm dreaming again...
but its not the same...
drugs enter my veins...
and i slip out of my mind...
remembering the words spoken...
step inside my head for awhile...
i'll let you pick my brain..
take what you feel you deserve...
leave what you feel i require...
lost in this void without you...
waiting for something to shine light...
and open up the doors of this prison...
letting it all out from the deepest depths...
for all to see and deal how they see fit...
i'm not looking to forget the past...
just simply rewrite our history...
however we may choose to see fit...
i can easily live without...
i'm just realizing i no longer want to...

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

10:46 PM - untitled
Category: Writing and Poetry

10:23 PM - to smile...
Category: Writing and Poetry

feelings and emotion spilled forth to paper...
times that seem like yesterday...
memories come rushing back...
flipping through letters locked away...
i never forgot...
merely pushed it all aside...
tried to ignore...
but never forgotten...

rushing forth in what seems...
like the blink of an eye...
i step out of this darkness...
and remember...
what happiness once was...
now helpless...
i can only reflect...
on postcards and letters...
memories stored away...
never thrown away...
and never lost from my mind...

i'm hoping for the best...
and praying for signs...
things to look up...
and you...
to smile...

Currently listening : New Medicines By Dead Poetic Release date: 2004-04-06

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

10:31 PM - my attempt to write... remains lost...
Category: Writing and Poetry

give me the power to feel your pain
from a million miles away...
lift you above the torment...
and lay down in your place...
lift me up with wings of an angel...
and guide me to your bedside...
to bring comfort in the night...
and erase the nightmares you endure...
bring back the smiles remembered...
and the dreams never spoken...
the ability to live free...
no care in the world...
make the long journey easy...
the hurdles shorter...

give me the power to feel your pain...
let me take it away...
and face it first-hand...
of all the people in the world...
you don't deserve it...
and i'm standing here...
helpless...
lost...
confused...
wishing for a way...
to make something happen...
to...
trade places...

give me the power to feel your pain...
give me the power to trade places...
give me the power to bring a smile...
give me the power to...
be there...

Currently listening : Plans By Death Cab for Cutie Release date: 2005-08-30

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

8:42 AM - no END in SIGHT - new short film - forever is tomorrow prod.
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

6:07 AM - FIGHTSTAR
Current mood: miserable
Category: Music

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

10:59 PM - PA reading video clips
Current mood: bummed

First time on stage... it shows...


Termination:




Savior:




Crash Altered:

1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

10:59 PM - meaningless
Category: Writing and Poetry

i want to give you up
end the torment
drop you like the habit
i never had
and never wanted
to pick up
i want to walk away
and inhale clean air
so i can breathe again
i want to live like a child
innocent with no fear of an end
but the reality is i never will
not like i used to
and i wonder what it was like
to be so young and face all that
all i have to remember are
faded memories woven within
my mind seeping out in my slumber
i wish i could relive all of that which
i wish i had never endured
only to get a better grasp
on who it is i am
or supposed to become
this is my life and yet
i don’t remember the majority
of all that comes out in my flow
for somewhere along the way
i blocked out the part of me
i wish i could remember
because the answers it holds
have disappeared and with them
all my questions have become
meaningless...
i have become
meaningless...
atleast that’s how i feel
when you look at me
and my questions all
remain unanswered...

0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

7:59 PM - judgements and trust
Category: Writing and Poetry

i don’t think you really know
what it is you hold inside your
heart
or your
mind
i’m in tune with who i want to be
but everyday i wake up more alone
feelings of desparation get to me
and i’m left to push them back out of
sight
from your
judgements
i know the reality of all of this is
i am alone in this state of mind
i can talk all day but the facts
never change and you will
stay
the same
forever
you all pretend to give a damn
but take a moment to press rewind
and take a look at our past slowly
so many times i tried to open my mind
for your delicate and steady dissection
only to find negative judgements
and secrets i kept hidden so dearly
revealed
quicker than
blinking
so forgive me if i have lost trust in the population
and if i don’t appear to want to talk about why
i find my therapy at the bottom of a pill bottle
or flowing freely to a decayed piece of parchment
this is my life and try as you might
you’ll never understand
what it feels like to live it daily
in
and then
out

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

6:18 PM - addicted...
Category: Writing and Poetry

i’ve hidden behind this
mask for way too long
attempting to find love
in places unwanted
all the while making love
to something hidden

you make me feel numb
from my flesh to my core
a small way to free my mind
recreation started slow
just a few times here and there

now i fiend for you
because i’m alone
looking down into your
circular home
nestled close to all your kin
i pick you up
and swallow you whole
knowing pleasure is on the way

prescribed to me
you are my antidote
and all you bring me
leaves me wanting
more

you are mine
take me away
from this place
and show me how
to live again
its not destructive
its making me feel
again

science does wonders
and a saviour ive found
smaller than candy
but sweet just the same...

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

8:36 AM - a new direction for my writing...
Current mood: artistic
Category: Writing and Poetry

A Warmed heart

 Your voice touches my soul…

Making love to my eardrums…

As you slip within my soul…

Tearing at my heart…

As your grasp pulls me in…

Falling further…

Faster than ever…

I'm holding onto something…

From further than my grasp…

Would ever allow before…

I'm dreaming of ways…

To make my emotions known…

Just waiting for the day…

When I can carry you away…

From all of this…

My hand shakes as I reach for yours…

Nervousness takes over my heart…

Afraid of the mistakes I may make…

Longing to know…

Conclusions…

Of the way this path we travel leads…

I've never been a patient person…

But I'm holding onto hope…

Once again…

Waiting for a sign to show me…

To lead me…

In the direction that brings me to you…

I've never wanted to plan for something…

Quite like I want to at this moment…

And this urge overtakes me…

And I feel the desire rising…

Smiles fight to my face…

Blocked from sunlight…

For so long…

If I could…

I would climb the highest mountain…

Just to scream my heart out to the sun…

I would lasso the moon just to drag it to your window…

Hoping my words could seduce the stars to follow…

And hold you as they danced outside your bedroom…

Until the morning sun decided to rise…

If I could make you smile…

I would do whatever it takes…

To bring a small bit of happiness…

To warm your beating heart…

All the while hoping…

At some point…

In some time…

At some place…

The very heart I'm trying to warm…

Someday…

Would beat…

For me…

This is not a Love poem

 This is not a love poem…

It's not meant to win your heart…

But simply release mine…

To your arms ever so gracefully…

This is my attempt to show you…

How much you mean to me…

I can't change the past…

For you or me…

But I'd like to help you forget…

I wish for the chance…

To take you away…

From all your fears…

To all you desire…

I've never wanted a future…

Quite like I do right now…

Maybe this is me dreaming…

Another impossible dream…

But I've found new hope…

Nestled between your bright eyes…

And shining smile…

I wish my words made sense…

But I feel they don't do my heart justice…

I'm hanging on your every word…

Knocking on the door…

Begging for you to let me in…

If only for a moment…

If only revealing small pieces…

I want to know you…

Everything about you…

I could never judge you…

For anything less than you are…

Amazing…

In my eyes…

In my heart…

You think I'm crazy…

But I can't help my heart…

I fought for so long…

To bottle up…

Not revealing myself to a soul…

You came in…

And my walls collapsed…

I can't close myself off from you…

Even though I've tried…

You cannot force love…

And I don't want this to be…

Us…

Trying to force something that's not there…

So patiently I wait…

Sorting through life's messes…

Wondering if someday…

I'll be able to prove my love…

Or will it simply die with me?

This wasn't supposed to be a love poem…

But I've fallen….

And as I never saw it coming…

I never saw this becoming…

Exactly what it wasn't supposed to be…

This is a love poem…

You hold my heart…

And I don't want it back…

Because as much as I hate to admit…

It's safer in your hands…

Than it could ever be in mine…

My self destructive pattern…

Is coming to an end…

For better or worse…

I hope at least a small part of me…

Remains intact…

And I hope time…

Reveals new hope…

For you…

For me…

Happiness…

Wherever that may lead…

This is…

Exactly what I hate…

A cheesy love poem…

Vulnerability…

At it's best…

Desire…

At it's worst…

Dreams…

Without sleep…

Me…

Without you…

Currently listening : Hours By Funeral for a Friend Release date: 14 June, 2005

1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

5:22 PM - on my own... gearing up for the final letdown... falling... the end...
Current mood: blank
Category: Writing and Poetry

so lately i've found myself upside down... lost... and searching desparately for my place in this world... i honestly don't feel like there is one... i've let so much bottle up for so long, that it all just came crashing down around me... i haven't been staying in my parents house, because i couldn't handle the reminders of how stuck i am when i walk in the door... for the past 6 years, i've been holding onto hope... with no sign of anything looking up... and i'm tired of all the let downs... it all crashed and i have made the decision to get out of here... the only catch is... i have no way of doing it... so i'm doing what i can... and crashing wherever it is i end up... i guess i've tried to hold onto hope for so long that it just took it's toll, and now i'm left picking up the pieces of this thing called like... (if you can even call it that...) i'm tired of looking around for a sign of where to go... and coming up empty handed... i'm tired of smiling for nothing... dreaming impossible dreams... and every glimpse of anything good, getting ripped from within me... i'm tired of watching everyone's lives around me progress, while i am forced to stay... here... stuck... and while writing is my therapy... it's not working the same anymore... everything i write is getting darker and darker... i find myself with a bitter aftertaste when i finish writing... and the only thing that seems to rid the bitter taste are the substances i despise... i hold you all at a distance... for many reasons... the main reason being, i don't think anyone will understand... or agree with the thoughts that float through my head... and the other reason being that i don't want you to know just how weak i am... but it's all taken it's toll, and i don't care anymore... weak or not... what you see when you look at me, no longer matters to me... because i know who i am inside... a confused, tortured soul... searching for something in this existence of this shadow of a life... i'm working on my plan... searching for my path... and while i don't expect anyone to agree... or support my decisions, that i will undoubtably be forced to make in the near future... i only ask that you put yourself in my shoes, as hard as that may be... and tell me what you would do... when all hope is lost... all faith has died... you're stuck looking around as everyone leaves you behind... and you're running a million miles an hour, but not even moving an inch... it seems that at some point dreams do die... the nightmares take over... and they become second nature... i think for so long i've played it off as though this life wasn't that bad... but the truth is... all my playing it off, only made me carry on this charade where when it finally hits me, and i get to this point... it's hard for any of you to realize just how bad it is... because i've downplayed it for so long... because i could bear myself for all you to see... and now i'm lost in this place between life and death... this standstill that haunts me... and i'm feeling as though the time is fast approaching for me to just say fuck it... but i can't... because i always told myself i had to leave my mark... so i'm forced stuck... working on releasing my mark... and then time will tell where it is i end up in the end...

i wish you could spend a day in my shoes...
see if you could smile half as much as i do...
see if any of those smiles are actually true...
or simply just a mask to hide the torment within...
i can't peel my skin back for you to see the invisible scars...
but i promise you... they are all there...
and i honestly don't see these mental scars healing...
or the physical scars making me stronger...
my will to survive is fading out...
my dreams have all died...
and just once i'd like to feel something...
worth feeling...
worth fighting for...
i'm wishing to a God i lost faith in...
so long ago...
i'm mixing dreams with nightmares...
desires with fantasies...
and taking 2 steps forward...
only to fall back a million steps...
do you ever wake up dreanched with sweat?
afraid to move...
afraid to face...
the world that lays outside your door...
but your force yourself through the motions...
and feel just as lost...
losing more and more as the days go by...
6 years of fighting...
where do i stand...
how do i stand...
when all i seem to do...
is just keep falling...
i'm facing mortality...
more and more...
and something has got to give...
maybe my time has come and gone...
and my loss...
is your gain...
i'm done with this...
just stacking the bricks to watch them all...
crash down on top of me...

Currently listening : The Absolute Uncontrollable By Swift Release date: 12 July, 2005

0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

9:06 PM - tagged...

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 10 weird, random things, facts, habits, or goals about yourself. At the end choose 10 people to be tagged, listing their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave them a comment (you're it) and to read your blog. You can't tag the person who tagged you. Since you can't tag me back, let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see your answers.

1. i stare death in the eye every day... but i'm not scared...

2. i have the same reoccuring dream atleast twice a week and i still have yet to find it's meaning... it's gone on for 5 years... and i know as long as i stay out of fields of white flowers at sunset, i'll be alright...

3. this mask has become permanently attached...

4. i'm not really sure of anything anymore... i thought i was, but somehow it all seems trivial and bullshit...

5. speed makes me feel alive... especially riding 100 on back roads at 4 in the morning... i obey the speed limit when people are riding with me... but when i'm alone, i quit caring...

6. alcohol really doesn't do much for me these days... i'd rather take a pill and sleep...

7. i once believe in romance... now i don't really believe in love or anything in the sense...

8. i'm planning my escape... one way or another... i'm getting out... and never looking back... the clock ticks slowly...

9. i'm missing something...

10. my addictions are very well hidden...

people how have been tagged

1. melissa - cuz i know she'll do it...

2. naber - cuz i doubt he will (surprise me)

3. zac - cuz why not...

4. j(syn) - cuz he always has good answers for this kind of bullshit...

5. twin42 - see above

6. charity - cuz why not?

7. d - cuz he's famous

8. Genovese - cuz an artist has to pass time somehow...

9. Dan - cuz hot dogs can only bring so much pleasure... smoke a blunt and see what comes to mind...

10. ice - part 2 of above...

2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment