Another little piece of me
Current mood: tired
Category: Life

Life is changing at a rate of knots right now.  Work has taken a seriously major change towards the manically busy and now I'm responsible for it all.

I don't think that all the change has finished there either.  Salmonella is losing the plot, not that she ever really had it, and it's not her fault.  She's having more than a tough ride right now but she's not dealing with it well.  I'm fairly certain that she won't stick around for long.

Suse is facing change.  Little Al is contemplating major changes and I seem to be the pivot for both of them.  It's what friends do, but both, at the same time?

In life outside the office I'm trying hard to maintain some kind of anchor in the ground to stop too many changes affecting the boys.  It's inevitable, I'm just trying to manage that as well.

When they were little I stayed home and played mum, then I did some part-time work for a few years, then I picked up some more hours and now I could work 24/7 and not even be close to finishing.  It's a balancing act and there's no safety net.

Having a work life that challenges me makes me a better person,.  Yes, it gives me more money and that makes for more fun times, but it makes me more balanced because I get to be authoritative and adult in the office and I get to be mum at home.

The boys are getting older and can understand a decent argument if it's made with clarity.  They don't mind going to breakfast club or after school club.  I mind them going because it somehow makes me feel like I'm failing them.  I need to be mum to them and working girl and dad and project manager and decision maker.  It's not too much, it's just a lot.  And right now I'm not managing it too well.  Dave told me I should be more like a man and pack away my maternal guilt.  That's easier said than done.

Unfortunately I can feel me slipping away under the pile of responsibilities.  I'm losing the me that I want to be.  My life is falling out of kilter but at least I've recognised it, this time.

For the past few weeks my sleep patterns have been shot to bits, except now I'm so totally exhausted that there don't seem to be enough hours in the day to sleep.

I'm being pulled in so many different directions, that there are not enough pieces to go round.  Perhaps some of it is my own fault.  Perhaps I expect too much of me?  I probably give away too many bits of me.

I have to take some back.  I have to start collecting the little bits of me that are lying around and see if I can put them back together in some semblance of order.

I may be gone some time… but I'll be back.

8:50 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention
Current mood: catalyzed
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Suse is in a quandary.  She knows that the job she has is going.  She knows that the jobs of all her immediate reports and colleagues are going.  None of these people know this.  They all guess that something is happening because they are desperately short staffed, there is no talk of expansion, no plans for increasing resources.  But the management keep their thoughts to themselves.

Suse has been there for a while and is in a good position financially (no kids, no husband, small mortgage) but that doesn't mean that she's planning to stick around to the bitter end.  There has been talk of some 'plans' for her, hell, she's fantastic at her job, the sky should be the limit, but she's not convinced they'll follow through.

Just back from a fabulous holiday in Oz, she is now dissatisfied with where she's at.  She needs to do some planning and asked me.  I'm getting good at planning now, particularly for other people.  I'm crap at it for myself tending mostly to lurch from event to crisis to activity and back again, but for other people, for projects and for big stuff, I'm a damned pro.

So, I've posed some questions to her.  Not necessarily big life changing questions – yet - but ones that should at least get the grey matter considering its options.

When you have big decisions to make but no focus on what the hell they might be, you have to start somewhere:

Do you have any regrets in your life?  Things that you've done that you really wished you hadn't.
Do you have any events in your life that you would willingly repeat?
If you could change one decision (not necessarily one you regret) that would change your place in the world now, what would it be and, where would you be?
Do you like what you're doing?
Do you want to do more of it, or something completely different?
What do you want to have achieved in another 12 months, 2 years, 5 years?  Big things, small things, whatever, what are they and what do you need to do or have to achieve them?
And then, to me at least, the big one.  If you were to look back on your life from your deathbed, would you be satisfied with the life you're planning to lead now?  Is there one thing (or more) that you'd really, really, wished you'd at least tried when the Grim Reaper is standing by your side and there's no time left?

Naturally, these sort of girlie crises always seem to get your own cerebral juices flowing and you start to think.  Except for now I think I'm quite happy with the way things are.  I don't regret any of the decisions I've made.  I would second-guess a couple of the ones I didn't make but life's too short to spend time worrying about those.

Spoog laughed at me on Monday night after we'd been to see the car.  "New house, new shoes, new job, new car.  What else do you want NOW mum???"

I guess there are some questions to answer before I find that out.

Currently reading : The Gift: Creativity and the Artist in the Modern World (Vintage) By Lewis Hyde Release date: 2007-12-04

7:31 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Am I bovvered?
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

How many times do you have to say the same thing before it goes beyond boring?  How loud do you have to shout and scream and rant and rave before you get hoarse and decide that actually, pulling out your own finger nails is preferable to trying to get SOMEBODY to make a decision.

It's taken two months.  It's taken nearly a hundred emails, several meetings with people who think they're very important and innumerable phone calls.  It's the same decision I've been telling them is the prudent one since April.  I've recommended the same decision in every communication, every conversation and every breath of my being. 

It gets to the point when you begin to question your own sanity.  You begin to wonder if, just perhaps, you're actually a total fuckwit and the rest of the world is laughing at you behind your back.

So, you sit down with people who know nothing about the work you do and give them the story, just so they can tell you that you make perfect sense, you are very clear and concise and no, you're not the total fuckwit after all.

But you still question yourself.  After all, if you've been telling seemingly intelligent people a very simple thing but they've been ignoring you and still getting their knickers in a twist because YOU aren't helping THEM achieve THEIR deadlines (because they're arses), really, who's at fault?  Yeah, I know the answer to that.

But today I had to get just about every senior person I could find involved.  Everyone who's anyone who just MIGHT be able to see sense.

FINALLY somebody said yes.  Somebody said, hey, that's a great idea that you had IN APRIL.  Of course that's the right course of action.  Please go ahead.

If only it was that simple.  Now we're reliant on fuckwit to DO something, to tell the programmers to do something.   Which, in total, will take about an hour.  Two months to get somebody to make a decision to do some work that will take about an hour.  Except he's now gone on holiday for a week.

Management is beginning to lose its lustre already.

*sigh*

8:16 PM - 13 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Decisions, decisions
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Life

I'm pretty good at making decisions, that is, the act of picking A, B or C.  I can scan down a menu and choose my meal in seconds.  I rarely dither over shoes or films or where to go or what to drink.  I may procrastinate sometimes over whether to make the decision, whether to decide, yes or no, but once I've made up my mind, it's a done deal.

It's like that at home and at work, with friends, the boys, all over.  It's been like it for most of my life really.  As I said, I might decide not to make a decision, but that's not the same as not being able to decide.

I knew which car I wanted.  The sensible part of my head did try to take control but that only lasted briefly and the decision wasn't hard.  To be fair though, I haven't actually got 'The One' that I wanted, that will have to wait for another day, another year, another job and significant pay rise.  It may happen one day.  In the meantime, I get this beautiful thing, this dream that I have coveted for far too long and now can make real.



(posed by actors to preserve identities)

I haven't run for over three weeks.  Dave and I were going to set up a regular running date on a Monday night but we only managed one of those before things stalled.  Tonight was going to be the fresh start, the beginning of something sensible, until he got sick and left work early to go home to recuperate.  But as that decision had already been made, it was easy to start the dinner, run(or some close approximation thereof) round the block and then get back in time to feed the boys.

And, I AM going to run more often.  I was talking to Lou in the office and she runs a little too, so we're setting up a Wednesday lunchtime run fest.  The easy navigable route from the office is about 2km which isn't a marathon by any stretch of the imagination but it's better than sitting on our arses and moaning about work for an hour.

Of course, like all great plans there are hiccups because I'm working from home this Wednesday to facilitate a meeting with the Gas man and because the boys and I have to go to the dentist.  That's one decision I wish I didn't have to make.

So, grabbing my new found status as The Person In Charge by the balls, I decided that the only way for Salmonella to become a real part of the gang is to get to know her.  To be honest if we didn't work together we wouldn't hang out socially but when needs must and all that.  That wasn't a difficult decision to make but I think it's going to be a tough one to carry through – she doesn't make things easy.

Tomorrow is another day and there will be plenty more decisions to make.  If I can be bothered.

8:31 PM - 10 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

New beginnings, old lessons
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

I don't know what happened.  I don't know how I got from writing blogs that I was proud of to this constant stream of misery and complainting.  I started writing one earlier.  It's still sat on the other screen.  It shouldn't be a complaining one, it should be a tale of events of the day that I'm actually pretty proud of, except that's not how they sound.  They sound whiney and I can't make them sound good.

I've lost my way, my words have lost their ability to express what's really inside and it seems to me that I've just been scraping the surface, just giving a top level view of what's going on.

Probably that's got a lot to do with the amount of overwhelming activity that's been hitting and bouncing around in my life for a while now.  I know that I've had trouble focussing on individual aspects or able to see the good from the bad.  I've just been swimming through the detritus that's been washing alongside.

The confirmation yesterday that the promotion was happening certainly seems to have given me a little peace; my brain seems to have settled almost over night.  I slept last night, rested and awoke only once the alarm aroused my snoozing self this morning.  That hasn't happened for weeks.

My neck seems to have cleared up – completely.  I'm not assuming that it's gone away completely, but the redness has reduced and the itching virtually disappeared.  I'll keep being careful but perhaps miracles do happen?

I think that I'm more upset than even I realised about TEEG leaving.  I met his wife last week at a work event.  She's really great (and she couldn't believe I was old enough to have a 10 year old son *grin*) and we laughed about him being my office spouse.  It's how we've worked – we bitch and whine and complain to each other in a good natured way, we've worked really well together and achieved a huge amount in a very short time and made a formidable team. 

Except now he's moving on and whilst I wouldn't go so far as to suggest that I'm feeling bereft, there is a feeling of loss.  It's weird, I've never felt this before in any other role.  I'm not sure why I'm feeling it now, because if he wasn't leaving then I wouldn't be moving onwards and upwards and he's been a particularly hands off manager, leaving me to get on with the job and giving me the glory that I've earned.

Salmonella might be similar; she has no interest in the work that I do and wants as  little involvement as possible, although she's supposed to be my boss.  I just get the feeling that I'm going to be managing up and keeping her in line and informed rather than the other way round.  It's going to be a challenge; I just hope she's as giving in the glory department as TEEG has been.

This week has been difficult because I've had to start asserting myself and my position and for that I've had to cut TEEG out of the loop.  It feels traitorous and I've felt guilty.  Except I'll still be there next week sweeping up the shit and he'll be in his new role forgetting about everything here and probably caring less.  I've got a lot of lessons to learn and I've got to at least pretend that I've learned them, even faster.

9:18 PM - 10 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Whinging and complaining: Part whatever number we’re up to now
Current mood: excited
Category: Life

Just to maintain a theme there will be more whining, whinging and complaining.  After all, it's what I've got used to these past few weeks (or is it months now?).

I got the letter today.  I got the pack that has most of the forms and details I need to read, the documents to sign and the confirmation that it's done.  I've been promoted, I am The Person In Charge *gulp*

Naturally there are a huge number of responsibilities that accompany being The Person In Charge, not least of which are the onerous tasks of having to sign forms, advise everyone that needs to know that I am now The Person In Charge and not just a minion, I have to decide if I want to join the pension (thought I already had?), order new business cards and finally, the worst job of all.

I have to choose a car.  A shiny, new, all mine, car *HUGE grins*

Truth be told I think I've already made that decision, the model that I've been eyeing up lustfully for years now.  But there's a nagging little bit of sensibleness in my head that's demanding I do something less impulsive.  Or expensive.

But I don't want to be sensible!  I want the big, stupid, gas guzzling car that I've coveted for years, so that I can park it on the driveway affront of the house, the one with sufficient luggage space for all the crap and accoutrements that are required when travelling more than 10 miles with the boys.  And, of course, big enough to handle my shopping expeditions *grin*

I'm going to enjoy every tyre kicking minute of it.  Because I think I've earned it!

8:20 PM - 14 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

The de-Iced Queen
Current mood: apathetic
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

It wasn't inevitable but I'm glad that finally things seem to be thawing with Salmonella.  Truth be told, she has seen the light aided by TEEG and I are getting less discreet in our criticism which means that she is starting to feel more comfortable and to join in.  Just a little, but she is starting to feel that it's not just her, things really are that shit.

I've started to develop eczema or something similar on my neck.  It's itchy and uncomfortable and although I'm resisting scratching it until it bleeds, it's red and looks angry.  Salmonella has started to develop migraines; she said she hasn't suffered with them for years, until the last couple of weeks.

We had a meeting yesterday afternoon.  It's a week after we're supposed to be launching a shiny new, very expensive and soul saving web site.  If we're really lucky we'll launch it by mid July, but I'm not holding my breath and yesterday we sat down to do a project plan and set timescales.

I've got people breathing down my neck to demand that I make their projects a priority and I've stopped saying no and told them to speak to TBDB.

Hopefully she'll tell them to fuck off, just more politely than I'm about to if they keep nagging, but you never know.  We're up to our necks in the shit that she makes because she can't say no to anybody else, or at least the anybody else's who are superior to her.

Salmonella's lightening up and admitting that the job really isn't quite what she was expecting and neither is the company. 

I have this image in my head of big businesses with slick planning and multi-talented project managers who drive processes forwards on schedule and carefully planned to the point of execution.  It's not like that where we work.  To be honest it's a total fucking shambles.  I pointed out yesterday that Turkey is falling apart at the seams; it's not even limping along by itself, it's just about to collapse into an extremely expensive hole. 

"Who's project managing them?" says she.

Well, let me think about this then.  That'd be no one.  Except me who also isn't project managing anything at all because it's not my job, I haven't got the time or the resources or, let me think about that as well, the title or promotion to go with it.  Still.

7:39 PM - 12 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

The accidental blogger
Current mood: animated
Category: Life

I knew it wouldn't happen.  I knew that the contract wouldn't be forthcoming today.  It is expected; a couple of people came up to me to congratulate even though it's not official and I'm not actually supposed to know.  Gives you faith, doesn't it?

A bloke from work is being a total fucking arse.  A month ago we told him he could have his project if he did some work – a couple of hours worth.  A month on he's now begging me to finish his project because he's missed his deadline.  But he also wants to totally change his project from the original that only needed an hours work and now needs probably five weeks worth.  Tosser.

The boys and I are having a ball.  They're behaving brilliantly, in the main, I'm so patient with them that it's scaring me, we discuss and negotiate (naturally I always win lol!) and they laugh and hug and all is good in the world.

The last works of preparation took place today as the plumber arrived to remove the last few offending pipes that were beautifully fitted on the outside of the dining room wall instead of under the floorboards or under the plaster.

Now the painting can start, the beautifying and finishing.  I've ordered the tiles for the kitchen and chosen the tiles for the bathroom.  Except I've had some new ideas for the bathroom so that might need to be thought through again.  It's starting to be fun again.

We were with my parents this weekend.  My mum had the family over for the day on Saturday, a splendid few hours spent in the company of people with whom you have absolutely nothing in common other than blood, which forces you to be interested and polite and endure their company if only once or twice a year.

Fortunately my brother and his family were there too and I marvel at the maturity of the children, the eldest, my god-daughter, who is almost as tall as me at only 13; the youngest who rules the roost with his charm, good looks and beautiful curly hair, and is only 2.

Since he started dieting and cutting down on the booze, my dad has put on weight and drinks more.  I'm not going to bother being angry with him.  Just another disappointment.

On the way home I celebrated the contract not yet signed and the time spent with my boys.  We went shopping and had lunch. 

Tell me though, is six pairs of shoes too many, in one go?

Currently watching : Secondhand Lions (New Line Platinum Series) Release date: 2004-02-03

8:35 PM - 18 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Be careful what you wish for
Current mood: argumentative
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Apparently, on Monday, I'm getting a formal offer.  It's non-negotiable, take it or leave it *sigh*

I am pleased.  I am happy that, finally, someone somewhere saw my greatness, my importance and my benefit to the company.  The cynic in me says that someone panicked and made the only sensible business decision available – at the best cost option they could get away with.

Of course, the non-cynic in me is delighted that I'm going to be promoted.  The cynic in me is pissed that I'll be expected to do what I'm doing now but have to go to more meetings and somehow have to justify WHY I need at least one assistant to help, when I'm already the assistant and the manager is leaving which is why I'm getting the move upwards and even with us both in place we can't cope.

Until I get the letter in my hand and have signed on the dotted line, I could always turn it down.  Or not.  The money's not eye wateringly amazing but it will make things a whole lot more comfortable than they are now.  And there are benefits which sweeten the pill a little.

This is what I wanted.  It is what I deserve.  Now I just have to prove it.

3:33 PM - 18 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Rub a dub dub
Current mood: amused
Category: Life

Another day another set of crap meetings.  Not terrible meetings but mostly pointless because people want to discuss loads of new projects which there is no way we can achieve but they seem deaf to the words.  Which part of "No" is it that they don't understand?

Then it's a hop onto a train to more meetings in London, normally a chance to breathe and read a book during the journey, but this time I have to sit in on a conference call and listen to people discuss new projects that there is no way we can achieve, but they seem deaf to the words.  Until I got to Marylebone and basically told them, very politely, to fuck off.  I'm not sure it got through.

The meeting in London was scheduled to start at 2pm but I told them I had to leave by 3.30pm at the latest so it had to start earlier.  Nobody seemed to mind but they were still in the throes of earnestly discussing very important things when I looked at my watch, got up and said sorry guys, I've got to go.

There were puzzled looks as I packed up my things.  Where are you off to? 

We're taking the Cubs sailing and canoeing.  Can't be late.  Bye…..

The juxtaposition of the two parts of my day were so brilliant.  The pathetic whinging, whining and demands of  grown ups, stamping their feet and pouting because they can't get their own way, vs the smiles and enthusiasm, great behaviour and laughter of the kids who spent the evening messing about on (and in) the water.

Sometimes I love my job, even when it's all shit.  And sometimes I love my life more.

Currently reading : Bitter Sweets By Roopa Farooki Release date: 2007-11-13

9:28 PM - 12 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment