Ought To Be A Law? It Is THE LAW.

Wouldn't the world be a better place with more fights? If conflict equals excitement (which it does) then surely tolerance equals boredom, so I have spoken to the world authorities and there is now a new law which applies to the entire planet Gaia (or Earth if you haven't been to the future).

The new law states "If some cunt is pissing you off you for any reason, you must fight said cunt. All actions taken in this fight must be ridiculously excessive."

I have lived by this law all my live-long life and my life has been richer for it.

I once brought down an odyssey of pain on a man for wearing a hat. It was a shit hat and it made him look like he taught fagonometry so I stabbed him in the face with my trident and threw him off the stagecoach. Then I had the stagecoach driver back up over his ankles and I dropped a harpsichord onto his neck. That was my law, now it's THE LAW.

In 1988 I heart-punched one of the Wandering Wibberlys to death because I couldn't see his eyes. Voice like an angel my arse. How dare he look at me with that tone of voice. That was my law, now it's THE LAW.

In 1876 I fought a big tub-o-guts in a saloon because he took exception to the way I punched him in the face. In those days saloon fights were sport. Now they are THE LAW.

These are just three of thousands of examples where my life has been exhilarated by violence. Imagine what yours will be like.

Now it is illegal to walk away unless you are walking towards a weapon you are about to return with. It is illegal to turn the other cheek unless you are trying to get more pissed of before you go off your cunt. Do you want to fight Liza Gibbons for wanting to give you "that airbrushed look"? Then do something about it. It's THE LAW. Remember, anything can be used as a weapon in some way. Have at it!

6:52 AM - 29 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Breastfeeding

I hate breastfeeding. It's beastly and unnatural. When my eyes see the unspeakable horror of a breastfeeding mother I just want to punch its face in, but alas, I'm always overcome with nausea and Finnegan bubbles.

They (breastfeeding mothers) just flop out their swollen, leaking udders in the middle of the restaurant—in a desperate bid for the kind of attention they surely don't deserve anymore—and expect all the other diners to carry on eating. Imagine the outrage if I were to pull out my cock and start dipping it in people's soup in said restaurant. It's exactly the same thing and it really happened. The outrage was disproportionate.

'Relax', I said. 'It's just a part of the human body. Who can think of another name for gonorrhea?' I'm pretty sure everybody laughed and relaxed at that point.

What's so good about breast milk anyway? It tastes like gin.

8:04 AM - 35 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Omniphagous

One of the great experimental omniphages was Kelis, a fucking useless singer. She ate a hedgehog, a human boy, crocodile and mole meat, and even a blue-bottle fly the taste of which she considered the most repulsive she had experienced since eating a human boy (whom she had brought to her from The Yard by her "milkshake").

Once when lost on a dark night during a wyvern ride to The Yard with a friend, she dismounted, scooped up a fistful of earth, smelt it, and immediately declared: 'Can speak de bee, no night time yoghurt!'

The Grand Old Duke of York once proudly showed Kelis a snuff box containing the heart of Jeff Foxworthy, which the Duke had been burdened with as punishment for marching his men up and down hills. Remarking, 'I've eaten many things, but never the heart of a king,' Kelis seized the heart and swallowed it on the spot.

6:41 AM - 12 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

Current Affairs

I have a new car. I have it washed by a different slut-with-low-self-esteem every day. It has a ridiculously huge sound system that feels like a unicorn stampede when I pull up next to you. It's off its cunt! I play ragtime out of it when you're trying to listen to your talkback radio or Color Me Badd or Judas Priest.

See that house in the background? That's not my house, it's my povvo neighbour's house. I have my car washed in their driveway so I don't get water stains on mine.

I took a shit in that fountain too.

2:03 PM - 25 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

Wanna See Something Better Looking Than Nicolas Cage?

1:39 PM - 10 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Idea-Stealing CUNTS!!!!

Have you ever heard the story of the wealthy industrialist/billionaire playboy who dresses up like a big bat and fights crime using state-of-the-art gadgetry and incredible martial arts skills?

More specifically, have you heard the story where this vigilante, with the help of the Police Commissioner and District Attorney, sets out to dismantle the remaining criminal organizations that plague the city streets but soon finds the partnership prey to a reign of chaos unleashed by a clown-like criminal mastermind?

The reason I ask is that I wrote Bryce Courtney: Human Bat many years ago detailing the character's partnership with Commisioner Gorton and District Attorney Harvey Ding (who later goes on to have a horrible, disfiguring accident which turns him into the deranged Double-Face) and their struggle against the evil genius of the Jester.

As it turns out a very similar—some might say exactly the same—idea has been turned into a Major Motion Picture with just a few minor changes (i.e character and location names have been changed and the vigilante no longer talks in rhyming couplets).

This is not the first time my ideas have been turned into a Major Motion Picture without my permission.

It happened with Massive, Green, Angry Cunt. They called that one The Incredible Hulk and took away his ride-on, lightning-Pterodactyl.

It happened with Exceptionalman Returns From The Compound Of Loneliness To Fight Rex Ruthless. They called it Superman Returns and they left out the star on his eye that was ripped off by Paul Stanley.

It happened with Arachnoman: The Man With Amazing Spider Abilities Takes On The Jade Hobgoblin. They called it Spiderman, took away his moustache and made him a poof. They also called the Jade Hobgoblin the Green Goblin, effectively hobbling him.

And most disappointingly it happened with That Blind Cunt Runs Like a Tard But He Sure Can Fight! They called it Daredevil but he wasn't smell-blind and they cast Ben Fuckin' Affleck in the lead role.

They even stole Hades Lad twice and now I'm hearing whispers of a Captain Liberia type of character.

I'm only grateful they didn't use all of my Bryce Courtney: Human Bat characters like Sparrowfag, the Puzzler, the Puffin, Feline Lady and Raven Discourager.

6:23 AM - 26 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment

An Unbearable Prospect

When I was a child, no birthday party was complete without a game of musical chairs. Why encourage kids, in the midst of a celebration, to equate 'success' with a struggle for diminishing resources? Why can't there be plenty of chairs for everyone?

Fuck everyone, that's why. You know who has chairs? The Devil, and he uses them for sitting on.

I am boycotting the Olympics because biting and eye-gouging are forbidden and they have taken dog meat off the menu in China. Or, at least, off the menu in restaurants that Westerners are likely to eat in during the Olympics. It's an unbearable prospect. No doubt it will be back on, as soon as I have trained my body and mind to beat you in a machete fight. For all I know, it is still on now - but only to those who ask for it in Chinese.

All you care about is fruit and touching yourself. Fuck you.



Anyone who uses the word "verbage" is a fat lesbian.

5:53 AM - 13 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m Ready for Sex
Category: Religion and Philosophy

So which came first, the chicken or the egg? If you consider that dinosaurs laid eggs, the answer should be pretty fucking obvious.

12:31 AM - 14 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Fortunately I Have Some Bad News to tell You

To err is human. To forgive? Let's just say it doesn't get my nipples hard.

I could have forgiven Anna for giving me head lice, instead I chose to push her into a blazing furnace while I sang Berlin's "Take My Breath Away". My voice is beautiful and trained.

It were then time to deal with the littler parasites. Being a wealthy man I have access to all the best barbers and hair treatments, so head lice should have been a simple matter. Or so Vidal Sassoon and I thought.

As Vidal was handing me the kick-arse, lice-murdering shampoo he was prescribing me, a silken-haired freak in a jacobean ruff burst through a wall (Vidal insists on having walls made of paper. He's a foolish barber and as stubborn as a pickled penguin. I should know) and tried to take it from me. He was jabbering on about professional secrets and the spectre of his origins. The words sorry, please and thank you were missing from his rant.

It was like a jailbreak for the uncoordinated. After 12 minutes he got a knee to the eye. After 4 hours I couldn't get any more hair into his lungs. In the end I hard-boiled him and removed his skin. I might wear it to an amphibious theme party.

3:48 AM - 20 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment

I’m Getting Married

Hello the man unfamiliar to me! I understand that you now are surprised that to you this letter has come. But I ask you simply spend 5 minutes of your time and read it. At first I wished to be presented. My name is Anna me of 27 years I live in Russia in the Cheboksary of I not married. And I was never married. I have finished school and arrived in medical college finished it and went to work in hospital but only me never I carried could find to myself the man and me so it would be desirable it. And I looked as that in the evening the TV and saw that there spoke that in Russia 30 000 000 women which live without men and that there are such marriage agencies in which it is possible to address and in such agency to you can pick up the man. I went to one of such agency and addressed to them with the request that they could find for me the man they spoke to me that this service paid and that I should pay about 1000 roubles. At first I thought that it expensively for me but have then thought and solved that money for me it not important that I want happiness want love I want the relation and I want a happy family what for to me money without a thing it and I gave this one thousand roubles. And they suggested me to get acquainted with the man from other country. I have solved why and was not present if I could not find the man from Russia such destiny can at me and I should search the man from another of the countries. And they gave me yours e-mail the address and spoke that you search to yourself the woman. I have written down yours e-mail and have gone to the cafe Internet to send you the letter. Unfortunately I do not presume to myself the house computer, it dear for me. I have come to the Internet of cafe and have asked to learn to use me the Internet and to write you the letter. The manager has helped me to understand in all and with its help now you read my letter. I have written you it with hope that you will answer me. Also I have put a photo to this letter, and you can estimate my appearance. At once I wish to tell to you that I would like to find serious relations and to create a family, I do not wish to play game and I do not want that with me played games. I would like to have a happy and loving family. Now I will wait for your letter. The lonely woman from Russia Anna! Here mine e-mail the address annaastasiy@gmail.com I would be very glad if you have answered my letter.








Hello, Anna. I fight bare-fisted lumberjacks like it's nothing. You will make a great wife, just remember I don't eat anything that doesn't walk on four legs like a man. I hope you will be able to solve my meat puzzle.

p.s- I do awesome jazz hands.

Currently listening : Bonded by Blood By Exodus Release date: 1989-10-06

1:45 PM - 33 Comments - 19 Kudos - Add Comment