Alan Keyes Demands Recount
Current mood: busy

Alan Keyes Demands Recount

Springfield, Illinois.  Failed senate candidate Alan Keyes has filed a petition with the Illinois Secretary of State demanding a recount of his failed 2004 US Senate bid.  "The official tally shows Barack Obama got 69.9% of the vote," Keyes stated, "which is absolutely preposterous because he is so out-of-touch with mainstream America.  That is why I have asked Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White, who is not, to allow me to recount the ballots myself.  If I don't, Barak might actually get colored people to vote for him for president, which would represent a true perversion of justice."

"Over five million votes were cast in Illinois," Secretary of State White said in a press conference.  "It would be ridiculous for one person to try to recount them by himself.  And besides, it happened over three years ago."

"Nonsense," retorted Keyes.  "If Willy Wonka could personally taste-test every chocolate bar that came out of his factory, then there is absolutely no reason why I can't count a few million ballots a few years late.  We have already seen that some electronic voting machines in Ohio were rigged in favor of George W. Bush as they should have been, so I want to know why the ones that were rigged in my favor didn't work properly.  I don't trust that anyone will do as good a job as I will at anything, but especially at counting the votes in my favor."

Presidential candidate Barack Obama, who defeated Keyes in the newly-contested election, was unavailable for comment, but his wife Michelle was more than happy to talk to this reporter.  "If Alan wants to count the ballots that's fine by me," she said.  "At least he'll be quiet for a time."

"Not!" said Keyes, who is famous for his fiery oratory.  "My support is broad, I just know it is, and to prove it, none other than Rush Limbaugh said on his radio show that 'ninety percent of the people who listen to Alan Keyes know in their hearts he's right, but they don't want to reorder their lives to live that way.  Supporting Alan Keyes is not just committing to Alan Keyes! It is saying to yourself: I have got to fix my life. I've got to straighten up and fly right, I've got to accept responsibility for things.'"

When it was pointed out to Keyes that Limbaugh had hired noted attorney Roy Black, who had once defended KENNEDY (William Kennedy Smith) against rape charges, to wiggle his way out of the prescription drug mess he'd gotten himself into, Keyes responded:  "What people do in private is their own business.  It's what they do in public that concerns me."

Jack Ryan, the original Republican senatorial candidate who dropped out of the race ostensibly because "the media has gotten out of control" and forced him and his ex-wife to go to sex clubs, offered to help Keyes count the ballots in his favor.  "The official tally was 3,524,702 votes for Obama and 1,371,882 for Alan," Ryan said.  "All we need to do to win is to use the 'one for you, three for me' system, like George W. did in Florida in 2000, and we'll have it aced!"

In a letter to Ryan released by Alan Keyes' office, Keyes thanks Ryan for his support but declines his offer for help.  "Although your Enron method of accounting would definitely help our cause," the letter states, "I must respectfully decline your assistance.  Whilst I have no problems accepting endorsements from drug addict Republican greats like Rush Limbaugh, I cannot countenance sex addicts, regardless of their political affiliation."

11:46 AM - 4 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Former President Says Frigid Temps a Problem
Current mood: giggly

Former President Says Frigid Temps a Problem

New York, New York.  Former president Bill Clinton, known to some as "Bubba" and who has his main offices in Harlem, recently complained that frigid temps are a problem in New York.  "Bubba just ain't makin' it with these frigid temps," said a source who wished to remain anonymous, but whose nameplate read "Tyrice." 

"Bubba say he like his temps hot," continued Tyrice, who claimed to be the former president's office manager's stylist's best friend, and who was dressed in an orange striped polyester fast-food-like uniform and smelled like burned fat.  "I be tellin' Shawanda that the hot temps be down south, but she don't do nothin' but laugh at me."

Asked by this reporter whether he could be put in direct contact with Shawanda, Tyrice said, "Naah, Shawanda don't wanna be talkin' to no reporters, like, 'cause she gotta keep her job."  She then rubbed two fingers together, and began whistling absentmindedly.

Journalistic ethics being what they are, this reporter offered Tyrice a crisp $50 bill, upon which she handed him a card with a telephone number on it.  When called from a nearby phone booth, a gruff voice answered at the other end:  "This be Shawanda."

"Shawanda?"

"This be Shawanda."

"Can you tell me what your connection to former president Clinton is?"

"Fifty dollars!" Shawanda said, and laughed and hung up the phone.

Undeterred though somewhat poorer, this reporter continued his investigation by contacting Monica Lewinsky, the woman who nearly brought the former president to ruin.  "I was never a temp!" Ms. Lewinsky railed when asked what she knew about Bill Clinton and temps.  "I was an intern, not a temp!  I find your suggestion that I was a temp to be insulting, to say the least, because I do not type and I have no desire to learn!  Obviously, I have more important matters to attend to."

When asked about this latest sex scandal to engulf the former president, television commentator Bill O'Reilly, host of The O'Reilly Factor and himself once accused of sexual harassment, said nonchalantly, "No comment."

Nonetheless, as rumors about the former president's comments regarding hot temps began spreading over the Internet, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's office issued the following statement:  "Senator Clinton is much distressed over the recent misinterpretation of her husband's comments made to an aide in private.  The senator firmly believes that when using the term 'temps' the former president was referring to 'temperatures,' and not 'temporary employees,' as has been construed by some.  'The voracious rumor-mongering that has appeared on the Internet is obviously, yet again, part of a vast right-wing conspiracy to defame my husband and derail my candidacy for president.'"

Former president Clinton's office, on the other hand, responded with a terse, "No comment."

11:17 AM - 6 Comments - 11 Kudos - Add Comment

Creationist Constitutional Amendment Passes
Current mood: artistic

Creationist Constitutional Amendment Passes

Washington, D.C.  In their last act before losing control of Congress to the Democrats, Republicans today overwhelmingly passed a Constitutional amendment declaring that God created the universe.  The text of the amendment reads: 

Section 1.  The Bible is the principle source of our civilization and the best book in the world on good citizenship and good government.

Section 2.  Congress shall pass no law contradicting the Bible, and all laws and case law heretofore passed contradicting the Bible are repealed.

Section 3.  The Courts shall have no jurisdiction over matters concerning the Bible.

Outgoing Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee) said about the amendment:  "This amendment is the culmination of years of work by Republicans in the Congress and our allies, such as the Heritage Foundation and the Family Research Council.  It is also a great day for people throughout this great country, whose democratic rights have been stomped on by unelected activist judges for decades.  Now, finally, activist judges will be silenced, and the Word of God will be heard by all."

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) introduced his own constitutional amendment, which went down in ignominious defeat (99 to 1).  The text of the amendment was simple:

                Section 1.  No person who does not believe in evolution shall be allowed to vote in the United States.

                Section 2.  Congress shall have the authority to pass laws to enforce this provision.

About his amendment Senator Kennedy stated:  "Given the outcome of the last two presidential elections, I no longer trust that Americans can make good decisions.  Therefore, I believe we require a new litmus test for voting in the United States.  I, for one, reserve the right not to be dictated to by people who don't believe in evolution.  It's not like a poll tax; it's like an I.Q. test."

The United States has a long history of passing legislation that attempts to codify Christian belief into law, but the Courts have routinely overturned such laws as unconstitutional.  "This new amendment puts a stop to that blasphemy," stated defeated Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania), one of the 65 co-sponsors of the amendment in the Senate.  "Many thought that the Scopes Monkey Trial marked the death of God in America, but really it marked the beginning of the Culture War that we're fighting today.  We have no doubt that we will prevail because God is on our side."

Some critics have equated instituting biblical law to instituting the Sharia in Muslim countries, but retired Senator Zell Miller (D/R-Georgia) disputes that.  "The difference is plain and simple," Miller said.  "Our God is real and theirs is fake.  What more proof do you want than that?"

11:06 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Trent Lott Denies Sodomite Accusation
Current mood: chipper

Trent Lott Denies Sodomite Accusation

Salt Lake City, Utah and Washington, D.C.  In an ironic twist of fate, shortly after Senator Trent Lott voted in favor of a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, it was disclosed by Family Search, a genealogy website sponsored by the Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints, commonly known as the Mormons, that Lott himself is a Sodomite.

"It's a sad day for us all," stated Joseph Smith XCIII, one of the nearly one million living descendents of the original Joseph Smith, who in 1820 founded the Mormon Church in Palmyra, New York, "less than 100 miles from Rome, but truly a world apart," as some early-day Mormon pilgrimage brochures blithely note. 

"It's definitely true, however," continued Smith XCIII.  "Based on an anonymous tip, we searched our genealogical database, which is the most comprehensive in the world, and discovered that Trent Lott is directly related to the Lot of Sodom and Gomorrah fame.  Sometime around 1820, to hide their true origin, one of his progenitors, a certain Phineas Lot from Mt. Locust, Mississippi, had the L-O-T spelling changed to the L-O-T-T spelling, so he then became Phineas Lott.  It has fooled Mississippians for nearly 200 years, but it cannot fool the Mormon Church."

Dr. G. Heinrick Klein, Professor Emeritus of Diaspora Studies at Beirut University, explains:  "According to the biblical account, right before God destroyed Sodom in that famous story, Lot and his two daughters fled and moved into a cave, as was the fashion of the day.  But lonely, Daddy's Little Girls decided they wanted to have their Daddy's Little Babies – as was the fashion of the day – so they plied him full of wine.  Lo and behold, nine months later the Lot daughters gave birth to the dimwitted half-brother-cousins Moab and Ammon Lot.  The Dead Sea Scrolls indicate that upon conquest by the Romans, both branches of the Lot clan, the Moabites and the Ammonites, left Palestine, got hopelessly lost after a night of drinking Thunderbird, and wandered aimlessly around the globe.  Current genetic research by the Mormon Church shows that they eventually settled in Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia, where they met Jesus, and continue to inter-multiply to this day."

"That is pure balderdash," Senator Trent Lott declared at an angry news conference hastily called for early this morning.  "While it's true that I have some less-than-intelligent cousins, to suggest that I am a Sodomite is pure speculation."

There was no comment from the Bush White House beyond that they respect the dignity of all human life, however perverse it may seem.  But the usually soft-spoken former Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle, a Democrat who like so many others has openly admitted to voting in favor of things he actually opposes only because they are popular, did see fit to weigh in:  "I've worked closely with Trent Lott over many years and have always found him dull, but I never would have expected something like this.  I think the senator from Mississippi owes the American people an explanation:  what other skeletons, or anything else for that matter, are we going to see popping out of his closet next?"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle, Lott defended his family's history.  "It is a great privilege to be a distant cousin of the Israelites," the senator said in a statement that was taken by some as a tacit acknowledgment of his Sodomite past.  "Those of you as familiar as I am with Bible stories will recall that the Lot family was not directly implicated in any of the sexual shenanigans that were going on in Sodom at the time.  Lot himself was a nephew of Abraham, and when the angry mob demanded the pretty little asses of those two angels that Lot saved from cruising around the city gates, Lot pointedly refused to turn them over.  That says something about his moral fortitude, I think you have to admit."

For his part, the Reverend Jerry Falwell, a former close friend of Senator Lott's, issued a written statement released by Liberty University:  "Today marks a sad day because Trent Lott's star was rising, especially when he was forced to resign as Senate Majority Leader for saying what we all know, that segregation was the fine institution that it was.  Some people thought that was stupid, but I know a thing or two about stupid and from then onward Trent became a living martyr among those of us who support Traditional Social Values.  Nonetheless, we must recognize that in these hedonistic times the world changes quickly:  first Strom Thurmond's illegitimate (colored) daughter, then Trent L-O-T.  My gosh, where can America look for goodness if not to Republicans from the South?"

11:01 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Starbucks Outlaws Appellatives
Current mood: bored

Starbucks Outlaws Appellatives
 
Seattle, Washington.  Howard Schultz, Chairman of the Board of Starbucks Corporation, the international purveyor of overpriced coffee, announced today that Starbucks had outlawed the use of appellatives by its employees, whom Starbucks calls "partners."  "We at Starbucks have an uncompromising commitment to our six Guiding Principles," Shultz said, "and our #1 Guiding Principle is to provide a great work environment.  However, as part of a recent customer survey, we found that some of our partners were misinterpreting this principle.  Therefore, effective immediately, when dealing directly with customers, Starbucks partners will not be allowed to use appellatives at the end of sentences.  Examples of this would be, when serving, 'Here you go, hun,' 'Here you go, babe,' and 'Here you go, luv'; and when at the register, 'Thanks, sweetie,' 'What can I get you, doll?' and, of course, "How's about leaving that change for me, cheap-ass?"

When informed of this new policy, Brandon Klinghoffer, who in 1971 was Starbucks' first customer at its original Pike Place Market location in Seattle, said, "Well it's about goddamned time," and marched off in a huff.  His wife of 40 years, Marjorie Klinghoffer, then apologized.  "Excuse my husband," she said as she fumbled in her purse for her red lipstick, which had rubbed off onto her plastic coffee cup lid, suggestively surrounding the hole, "but he just had his third Venti Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino Blended Crème with an extra shot so far today, and he's a little on edge.  Myself I never drink more than two Tall Java Chip Frappuccinos with organic soy milk and four sugars in a single day, which accounts for my calm and tranquil demeanor, and my Type II diabetes.  Thus I applaud Starbucks' decision as long overdue."  She then proceeded to apply her lipstick onto her nose, and walked away in search of her AWOL husband.

Amber Wentworth, 21, Starbucks' Senior Beverage Promoter for the Greater Chicago Metropolitan Region, doubts the policy will work.  "Don't quote me on thith," she said, "but thith polithy thwitch really thuckth."  When confronted with a quizzical look by yours truly, Amber opened her mouth and pointed to a badly infected tongue piercing; I got the hint and moved on.

Another partner, Tyrone Goldfarb, 19, explained more succinctly:  "Man, when you got a job as shitty as this one, suckin' up coffee fumes all day long like it's crank, ain't nothin' better to do than diss the customers, call 'em 'sweetie' and 'hot thing' when they got asses like a double-wide and you don't really mean it.  I mean, man, if I had to be nice to everybody strung out on these beans at six dollars a hour, I wouldn't make no more than fifty cent before I was out on the street again."

Indeed, in what might appear to the casual observer to be a disjoint between senior management and the field staff, Chairman Shultz later said in a live videoconference with reporters that "while it's great to have fun at work, this does not mean that we can have fun at our customers' expense, because to do so would conflict with our Guiding Principle #4, which is to 'Develop enthusiastically satisfied customers all of the time.'"  When asked by this reporter, however, whether Starbucks' priorities were backwards because satisfied customers (Principle #4) might be more important than having fun at work (Principle #1), Shultz responded:  "Running a multinational business is something you obviously know nothing about, you ass-wipe," and he yanked the camera plug out of the wall.

10:48 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

About Jesus
Current mood: devious

About Jesus

Jesus is busy.  Not just busy, but extremely busy.  Don't believe me?  Then do what I did, flip mindlessly through the cable channels in Lubbock, where you will see that in one incarnation or another (and rumor has it that he's had a few) Jesus is on nearly every other one.  That's a whole heck of a lot of airwaves and airtime for anyone to fill, even God, or the son of God, or the son of man, or whatever.  And then if you watch what's going on on those channels you'll find that Jesus is so extremely busy because so many different people are asking him to do so many different things all at once, and according to them he delivers the goods.  In fact, from what I can tell – and admittedly it's not a scientific study – Jesus is doing all sorts of nice things for all sorts of nice people all over the country, healing them left, right, and center, making sure they have enough money to pay the minimum balance on their credit cards (though he's not so good at getting the interest rate lowered), helping them to get that job they have a calling for (but no qualifications for), repairing trailer parks after hurricanes (when will they learn?), making the cotton crop come in on time and under budget, etc., etc., and so on and so forth.

Given these circumstances I think you can see why in a country of 300 million people, where more than 75% are asking Jesus to help them, I thought that Jesus needed a helping hand too.  That's why I volunteered to take his place. 

"Them's some mighty big feet you're trying to fill, Steve," you might say, and I'd have to agree with you.  But I'm lucky in that regard, since Jesus is a delegator and I have nothing better to do.  Ergo I have dedicated myself to scouring the newspapers and the airwaves and the Internet, looking for opportunities To Spread The Truth.  Not The Truth As Some See It, but The Truth As The Truth Really Is, or at least The Truth As The Truth Really Should Be.  Therefore what you see on my website you won't see anyplace else, including Fox News:  I only blog stories with a purpose, with a meaning that transcends the surface and gets to the heart of the matter no matter what the matter might be.

That said, in the Spirit of Giving that permeates my website and Jesus in general, it wouldn't be amiss for you to take your cue from the Bible and throw me a tithe or two.  I'm not doing this for profit purposes, of course, but tithing will help me cover my costs, because I spend lots of time thinking of these interesting things to say, when I really should be looking for work.  Yes I know, I could ask Jesus for help, but honestly:  Jesus retired early, so why shouldn't I?

Just send me an email, and I'll be glad to give you the electronic funds transfer information where you can send your tithe on a monthly, pre-tax basis.  We can even set up an automatic payment schedule because your non-deductible contributions are more than greatly welcome, and Jesus will reward you.  If not in this life, then certainly in the next.  That much you can count on, because as Lubbock TV shows, Jesus is just that sort of guy.

7:22 AM - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Lesbian Greeting Cards Make a Comeback
Current mood: artistic

Provincetown, Massachusetts.

10:53 PM - 3 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Spitzer: Dr. Scholl Didn’t Finish Medical School
Current mood: bouncy

Spitzer:  Dr. Scholl Didn't Finish Medical School

Albany, New York.  As part of his efforts to clean up business and protect consumers, New York State Attorney General and gubernatorial candidate Eliot Spitzer announced today that a special investigation undertaken by his office has revealed that William Mathias Scholl, the corn-pad guru affectionately known throughout the world as just plain old "Dr. Scholl," in fact did not finish medical school.

"This is one of the greatest criminal frauds ever perpetrated against the public," Spitzer announced yesterday at a noon press conference in Albany.  "For almost a century now people have been relying on Dr. Scholl to relieve the pain and discomfort of corns, only to find out that he never made it past his first year of medical school, and didn't take even a single course in podiatry.

"People take foot care seriously," Spitzer continued, "as well they should.  They have a right to trust that those who pass themselves off as foot doctors really are, no matter how inconsequential podiatry is to the vast majority of potential voters."

When questioned, Spitzer refused to answer whether he himself used Dr. Scholl's products, but he vehemently denied that it was a vendetta.  Rumors have been spreading for months throughout the state capital that Spitzer suffers from two uncorrected hammer-toes on his left foot, and that that was the driving force behind his recent spate of investigations.  "I do not have hammer-toes or hemorrhoids," Spitzer stated categorically, staring, Bill Clinton-like, into the camera, and waving his fist emphatically.  "It's true that I have two semi-flat feet and that's how I got out of Vietnam, but it's nothing that orthopedic arches have not been able to correct."  Then, preemptively answering the question on at least this reporter's mind, Spitzer, pointing directly at the press corps, added testily:  "Look, before you even go there, I've said it before and I'll say it again:  my not serving in Vietnam had nothing to do with the bullets.  I just didn't feel comfortable in army boots.  K?"

Unlike his past investigations of the banking and mutual fund industries and his ongoing investigation of the insurance industry, Spitzer claims that he did not rely on incriminating e-mails to nab "Dr." Scholl.  "We issued a subpoena for all e-mail records in an attempt to corroborate the charges," Spitzer said, "but that line of inquiry came to naught since Scholl – and notice I'm not calling him 'Dr.' – died in 1968 and so did not use computers on a routine basis."  Instead, Spitzer revealed, Scholl concentrated his engineering genius on developing the perfect insole, and never got around to learning how to log on.  He did all his product drawings the old-fashioned way, by hand, which in Spitzer's words, "really sucks for us."

From what investigators have been able to piece together, it seems that Scholl, inventor of the internationally famous "Ball-O-Foot Cushions," claimed to have graduated from the Illinois Medical School in 1904, but a search of that school's records came up blank.  He did register and attend student orientation, and Campus Security says he was fined for drinking too much cider at the 1900 "Matriculation Social Mixer," as Rush Week was called back then.  "But that's pretty routine even these days," stated the school's head of security, Clayton Jones, Jr., in a telephone interview.  "So imagine back then, in 1900, which was the first year it was held jointly with the Illinois All-Girls School, where legend has it he met the future Mrs. Dr. Scholl.  You can just imagine, all them females there on a warm September night, you 18 years old, far from home and all the pressure of going to medical school straight out of high school with nothing in between, and too much mulled cider mixing around in your head with all these wild foot fantasies of young vixens in not-so-sensible shoes, and then all them hormones start kicking in.  It's no wonder you drink too much.  I mean, you can just imagine."  

According to the Attorney General's Office, however, no further records on Scholl exist there or at any other medical school in the country, and confidential sources in Albany have told this reporter that Spitzer is considering asking for a worldwide recall of Dr. Scholl products, and/or having the company pay the state of New York a $10 billion fine and sign an agreement to stop marketing products with the term "Dr." on them, and/or saying they're sorry.  "We have no problem if they sell them as 'Scholl's Air-Pillo insoles,'" one source said, "provided that they're not called 'Dr.' Scholl's, because even if they paid the fine it would mean that the company could continue to perpetrate this massive fraud on the American people." 

"We're going to ask the court to issue a cease-and-desist order early next week," another source close to the investigation said.  "The only thing that might go wrong is if we find out he graduated from medical school in Mexico.  We know the lawyers for his company are looking into that as we speak, and if they find something it'll really throw a wrench in our case because he'd still be able to call himself 'Dr.' even though Mexican medical school doesn't really count.  It'll mean months of important pro-consumer work flushed right down the toilet."

5:13 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Bush Solves Social Security, Exports Seniors
Current mood: crazy

Bush Solves Social Security, Exports Seniors

Washington, D.C.  "I don't know why I didn't think of it before!" exclaimed a jubilant President George W. Bush about his newly reworked proposal for reforming Social Security:  exporting senior citizens to Canada.  "Seniors have been a thorn in our side for way too long.  They're always demanding this, always demanding that, as if they were entitled to stuff, without ever thinking that somebody else was footing the bill."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales expounded:  "Seniors are blackmailing this great country of ours, threatening to re-import drugs from Canada if we don't make the new Medicare drug benefit easier to understand.  Of course the whole reason we've made it hard to understand is because ordering the wrong medicine is in the best interest of the pharmaceutical industry, and they give us Republicans gobs of money every election season.  So, gosh darn it, let's one up the damned seniors.  Let's call their bluff, send the bastards to Canada instead, where they can buy all the gosh darned drugs they want for cheap.  Our legacy to the next generation will be ending this hand-out mentality in America fostered by decades of misrule by the Democrats."

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice explained that the government was doing it all it could to help seniors emigrate peaceably.  "Of course if they don't leave voluntarily, we may have to resort to force," the secretary of state warned.  "And in that regard we've been in contact with our friends at the Defense Department, where Rummy assures me they're readying a fleet of 100 C-140s.  We're going to start rounding them up in Florida and work our way up the coast, then shift gears, head to Arizona, New Mexico, and Hawaii.  Each senior will be allowed to bring two suitcases of belongings, one 8x10 family photo including of grandchildren, a small grocery bag of full-retail-price prescription medications, and one oxygen tank, though for safety reasons the oxygen tanks will have to be shipped by UPS ground.  We're negotiating bulk discount rates now."

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld declined to be interviewed for this article, but the new Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson did offer an economic perspective on the roundup:  "This new proposal kills multiple birds with one stone," the treasury secretary said.  "First and foremost, Social Security and Medicare expenditures will drop like a stone to nothing, which will end the fiscal drag we've been experiencing of late, and will allow us to reduce the top tax rate to 5 percent, ensuring the country's long-term economic stability.  Then there's the trade deficit:  there are tens of millions of seniors in the U.S. and tens of millions more in the pipeline, who under our new proposal are going to become our #1 export, surpassing even orange juice.  The only thing that remains outstanding from our current account balance perspective is what value to assign to each senior.  We know they're not worth much, and were contemplating a sliding scale based on age and infirmity, but we also anticipate that anything we come up with will likely be polemical."

Leonor Rosenblatt, 93, of Lauderdale Lakes, Florida, had this to say about Bush's proposal:  "I voted for the president at our local senior center, but now I'm having my doubts.  I like Canada don't get me wrong and I like their drug prices, but I think Toronto is too cold for my arthritis."

6:23 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Ann Coulter Spontaneously Combusts
Current mood: drunk

Ann Coulter Spontaneously Combusts

Washington, DC.  In what liberal commentator and comedian Al Franken has called an act of God on par with Moses and the Burning Bush, the Washington, D.C. Coroner's Office has reported that conservative author and raconteuse Ann Coulter spontaneously combusted last night at about 10:00 p.m.  "She was standing in the lobby of the Willard Intercontinental Hotel in Washington," a spokeswoman for the coroner's office stated, "drinking a mimosa and railing against the liberal media, when all of a sudden, POOF!  She was gone!"

9:06 PM - 11 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment