"Flawliss Execution Tour" January ’08

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Matt N' Dan Press, COLORADO SPRINGS, CO

Fuzzy Carrot Nipples today announced a fresh new round of shows as part of their Flawliss Execution Tour, kicking off in Colorado Springs, and ending in Austin later this month.

"Ever since the stunning revelation that Britney Spears might be a bit of a bad mother, we could see the nation was in mourning," said band member Dan Hedges. "And we figure we're just the band to bring the nation back from the brink of mass suicide."

The band is looking to record some live shows for their next album, which they will release as soon as the labor camp in Guatemala gets the CDs pressed.

"We're working hard on this new CD, and we vow to leave no corner uncut," said band member Matt Lupton.  "Our fans appreciate that we're getting them the best possible price.  It also helps to know that it was hand-made by a loving child."

"When we're elected president in March or July or whenever that goes down, we'll make sure there aren't any more forced labor camps in Guatemahara or wherever," added Hedges. "But until we're in power, there's no sense in not getting few thousand CDs made on the cheap, you know?"

Lupton and Hedges have run unsuccessfully for the presidency three times between 2004 and today, garnering a grand total of two votes in the '04 election, which doesn't seem to hamper their optimism.

"Just imagine the final tally we could have had if me and Matty had actually been registered to vote," said Hedges. "You're talking a full 100% increase in votes right there.  And as you know, 100% means everybody."

The Nips are slated to play a private corporate gig on January 11th, and then a follow-up show at the Dead Ant in Colorado Springs on the 12th. From there, the band will play a variety of venues in Austin, Texas, culminating with ColdTowne Theater's "See. Hear. Speak. Festival."

"We've haven't played a festival since Woodstock in '99," said Hedges. "And after we incited that riot and the bonfires started up, the cops told us to stay away from impressionable hippies."

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New Nipples Show! Now with less stink!

Show up to our new gig! Or we'll do something unsavory to a cute animal!

Monday, October 08, 2007

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Hedges advances in comedy contest, painting commissioned

The Fuzzy Carrot Nipples today announced the commissioning of a painting by the great master Boris Krzydrewshuvshi, to commemorate Dan's spectacular achievement in the 2006 Funniest Person In Austin Contest.

"Dan made it past the first round," band member Matt Lupton said.  "We'll go ahead and count that as tacit admission that Dan is in fact the funniest person in Austin. Thus, the painting."

"I make painting to show the conqueror Daniel who has the masculine chiseled features of person like ox," said Krzydrewshuvshi from his studio in Hungary. "Is he not the barbarian of the comedy? I make woman lustfully gripping him, too."

Dan's portrait will be hung in the Hedges-Lupton for President Headquarters in Colorado Springs.

"The painting portrays Dan as he will be when we're elected president next year," said Lupton. "We'll be wielding supreme power, with all the world listening to our mandates with baited breath. Plus we'll wear loincloths the entirety of our term."

"Gee, no one's ever painted me as a conquering hero before," said Hedges. "There's been several paintings of me as a horse's posterior and a few caricatures of me in dresses, but the barbarian thing sure is a nice change from those."

"We look at it as yet another step toward our ultimate goal of total world domination," said Lupton. "And now all the world can see that, when we do conquer all of humanity, we'll also look super cool in our barbarian outfits."

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Recap

So, after a spectacular USA Swimming show, we had a fairly mediocre performance at the Dead Ant Tavern: disappointing by comparison.  The crowd was fairly sparse, but we saw a lot of new faces in the crowd.  Our longtime friend Katie brought several of the uninitiated.

The new song, "Prenup", went over very well again.  We're really excited about it.  Much like "President", it has a break in the middle for some spoken-word comedy.  That might be a format you hear more and more from us in the future.

Sgt. Hardwick made his second appearance at the Dead Ant.  After being confined by corporate comedy etiquette at the previous show, he was able to get a bit more offensive.  Probably a bit too offensive.  Really scared Matt's parents (who were in the audience).  Since our music really doesn't go very blue, we have to work on making sure Hardwick fits in with the rest of the act.  He's very funny, but he needs to add to the show as a whole.

We made the mistake of closing down the show after Pepper Spray, without doing Coroner.  There really wasn't near enough energy in the room to support an encore, and unfotunately our friend Daryl Daryl couldn't hear his favorite song of ours.

We always record our shows, so we can listen and learn what we need to improve.  Unfortunately, though, my mp3 recorder hung 12 minutes into the show.  Guess the USA Swimming show will have to do for now.

After the show, we hung out for hours.  We sang some karaoke once our voices had recovered a bit: Matt did Adam Sandler, Dan did Barenaked Ladies.  We chatted with our friend Dev, former owner of the Dead Ant, swapping stories and discussing the music biz.  He asked us an interesting question which we couldn't adequately answer: what do we want out of the act?

We don't want to quit our jobs and start touring, living the rock star life.  Matt can't stand to be away from his kids that long.  All we know is that we're having fun with this stuff.  It would be nice to play bigger venues, and perhaps get more recognition, to make more people happy.  Other than that, we just don't know.

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Actual testimonials from the USA Swimming show
Current mood: crazy

Still don't believe we had a great show?  Here are some actual, anonymous testimonials from people who were at our USA Swimming show at Jack Quinn's on the 31st: 

 
• "Thanks to the Fuzzy Carrot Nipples for providing a night for the ages at Jack Quinn’s.  The band had the crowd in the palm of their hands for the duration.  The mixture of musical antics and comedy made for a laugh-out-loud occasion."
 
• "Thanks for a great time."
 
• "You made last night’s party absolutely fabulous. You’re totally mad but outrageously funny."
 
• "That was fun."
 
• "It was great fun indeed!"

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First Corporate Show
Current mood: ecstatic

Wow!

Our first corporate show ever was a smash!  We were a bit nervous.  Matt, of course, was worried because we were performing some off-color comedy in front of all the people he works with.  If things hadn't gone well, he could be hitting the unemployment line as a pariah.  Dan, well, he wasn't nervous.

But the folks at USA Swimming were a terrific audience.  Many of them had heard us before and knew what they were in for.  The ones that didn't all responded well.  We made some musical mistakes, but the audience didn't care.  The comedy was dead-on.

There were two songs we omitted for offensive content: Big Bruce and The Beach.  But at the end of the show, after singing Coroner, the audience got rowdy and wouldn't let us off before we performed the Beach.  We informed them that they were all sick freaks, then performed it anyway.  We were on for a full 90 minutes.

Now, we're going camping, to fit in some R&R before the big show for the public at the Dead Ant Tavern!

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FCN loses artistic integrity, fans outraged

Rumors swirled for months regarding the Fuzzy Carrot Nipples' latest tour. Internet message boards, mainstream press, and gossip on the sides of bathroom walls all speculated about the band's next move.

Now, it's been made official.

"We're selling out," said band member Matt Lupton. "You can go ahead and print that."

Apparently, the Nips are breaking into new territory, playing private corporate gigs. Their first comes on August 31st for USA Swimming, the esteemed national governing body of swimming, at a super-secret, undisclosed location in Colorado Springs.

"We'll be honest and totally up front with our loving, and more-importantly prodigal, public," said Dan Hedges, lead guitarist and goatee-grower. "We've always been about getting stuff, as was outlined in our platform when we ran for president last year. They (USA Swimming) were giving us free dinner and drinks, or something, so we jumped on it."

The show is part of the Corporate Sell-Out Tour, which will also see the Nips playing their favorite haunt, the Dead Ant Tavern on the following Saturday, September 3rd, at 9:00.

"It's not like this should surprise anyone," said Lupton. "We've never really had any artistic integrity.  I understand that some of our fans may be upset, but frankly, we never really liked them."

"We anticipate mass riots and the like, but what can you do?" said Hedges. "We've made it clear that we'll always cater to the highest bidder, in our politics as well as our music. If you don't like it, then pay us more.  It's as simple as that."

The band still is setting their sights on national fame, and, eventually, world domination.

"A few of our plans to conquer humanity haven't quite worked out like we had hoped," said Hedges. "But we've got our hands on some spent fuel rods from North Korea, and we'll be presenting our demands to the U.N. right after the tour."

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Fuzzy Carrot Nipples confirm radio appearance

A momentous week for the less-than-famous comedy band Fuzzy Carrot Nipples was capped today with the confirmation of the duo's first-ever live radio appearance on local radio station Classic Rock 98.1 KKFM.

After sending in a few songs to the "Big Ass Freakshow" morning show at the station, co-founder and rhythm guitarist Matt Lupton received the surprising news that not only had some cuts from the band's record been played, but that no one had threatened lawsuits or gunplay if the songs were to air again.

"In fact, they actually got some people calling in to request our stuff," Lupton said with a raised eyebrow. "It's like we're a real band or something."

"I must say I'm very excited," said co-founder and lead guitarist Dan Hedges, from his office in Austin, Texas. "It just proves that deep, insightful, melody-laden music cannot compete with flatulence sound effects and electro-shock therapy."

Fuzzy Carrot Nipples is slated to appear from 5:30 - 9:00 am MST on February 28, and will be performing a live set from their "Embrace the Insanity" CD.

"We'll be sure to play the songs that most of our fans will recognize," said Lupton from his office in Colorado Springs. "I wouldn't want to disappoint Mom after all."

Following the radio show appearance, Fuzzy Carrot Nipples will take the stage Friday night at Rum Bayin downtown Colorado Springs with the stars of the Big Ass Freakshow for their first-ever public concert in the city.

"We are expecting no less than the mother of all live performaces," said Hedges. "And while we don't expect it to change our long-term goal of world domination, it will definitely accelerate the timetable."

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New Fuzz Nips show at Rum Bay

Local comedy rock sensation the Fuzzy Carrot Nipples have announced their plans to unleash a new shock-and-awe campaign on the town of Colorado Springs. The announcement reportedly sent scores of rabid Nipples fans into hysterics at the prospect of seeing lead singer/guitarist Dan Hedges on stage in lycra spandex leggings.

"I'm not wearing any leggings, darn it," said Hedges from his teeny weeny cubicle in Austin, Texas. "It's not 1989 for crying out loud. Where did you people get this information?"

Fuzzy Carrot Nipples will make a repeat appearance on 98.1 KKFM's Big Ass Morning Freakshow on the morning of Friday, April 4th, from 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. They're scheduled to play three to four songs, including fan favorite "The Beach," a.k.a. "Kill Die Death Death Blood."

"We're very excited to once again have the opportunity to offend people's finer sensibilities," said lead singer/rhythm guitarist Matt Lupton. "Plus I've been working on my Surly Rock Star attitude, and this will be an excellent time for me to use it.  Now get me a sandwich, minion!"

The band will make two live appearances over the weekend, one at 9:00 Friday night at Copycats Bar, upstairs at Rum Bay in downtown Colorado Springs.  The second appearance will be Saturday, April 5th, starting at 8:00 p.m. at the Dead Ant Tavern (598-9867), located just north of Austin Bluffs and Academy Boulevard on Montebello Drive.

The band is hopeful for yet another critically-acclaimed performance. "The audience we had for our last show was truly spectacular, and we are optimistic for even bigger crowds this time" said Hedges.  "And once the subliminal messages in our music turns them all into mindless zombies, we expect to have an army capable of achieving our ultimate goal of world domination."

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Fuzzy Carrot Nipples receive fan mail

For the first time in their illustrious, 2-month musical career, the Fuzzy Carrot Nipples have received their first piece of fan mail.

The following letter was sent by 4-year-old Katy Callewart, who happened to hear the broadcast of "Working For the Coroner" on KKFM on Friday, February 23, 2003:

Fuzzy Carrot Nipples may not be appropriate for children of all ages.

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