Gender: Male
City: DENVER
State: COLORADO
Country: US
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03/06/06
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Sunday, July 09, 2006
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Ken Lay Avoids Prison Ass Rape by Dying
 ASPEN, Colorado - In what some analysts consider a brilliant maneuver, convicted corporate felon Kenneth Lay died of a heart attack on Wednesday, effectively avoiding the prison sentence and loads of ass rape that would have come with it. Mr. Lay was convicted recently of lying to regulators, investors and employees to shroud the inevitable financial crumbling of his massive energy company Enron.
"While we were satisfied with Mr. Lay's guilty verdict, nothing can be done to restore the ruined lives of those who lost their pensions in Mr. Lay's illegal schemes," said a spokesman for a group of former Enron employees. "We were just hoping hed live long enough to for his cellmate in Block D to give him a good fudge packing. Now Mr. Lay's victims will never experience the sheer joy of knowing the man who ruined their lives is getting a violent ass pounding."
Experts had unanimously agreed that Ken Lay would have likely been relegated to the position of Bitch in the prison hierarchy. As a result, Lay would have been forced to give sloppy blowjobs to whoever demanded them, as well as having to toss the salad of the uglier and smellier inmates.
At the time of the heart attack Mr. Lay was out on $5 million dollar bail while awaiting sentencing, the money in his offshore accounts just enough to avoid endless butt reaming by dozens of angry inmates in the shower. Although the true importance of Lay's death tactic is uncertain, many historians already agree that dying was a unique way for Lay to avoid forced sodomy.
12:53 PM
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Saturday, July 08, 2006
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Black Man Excited his Character not Dead Yet
HOLLYWOOD, Ca. - Local black actor Terrence Johnson could barely hide his enthusiasm at the premiere of the movie The Blood Letting after discovering his character, Philip, was still alive an hour into the film. "I can't believe it! This is so fantastic! My character is still breathing!" After being called in for re-shoots, Johnson was sure that the director had reedited the movie and offed his character in one of the early scenes. After watching the Latino character Maria get mangled by a runaway John Deere lawnmower, the Asian character Xang get run over by a steamroller after being stung by a swarm of bees and the Arab character Mohammed get diced by a meat grinder and put through a wood-chipper, Johnson couldn't believe his character was still standing. "Brothers are usually the first to go. This is a triumph of the human spirit. I'm flooded with such emotion, I can barely contain myself. This must be what it felt like when Halle Berry won the Oscar." When asked if his character does eventually get killed in the movie, Johnson responded, "Oh sure. He gets decapitated by a chainsaw and thrown off a cliff." According to the producers of The Blood Letting, the only characters to survive to the end are hot white chick, Samantha, and the handsome white lead, Jake. For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
12:04 PM
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Saturday, June 10, 2006
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Children's Horoscope
 Astrological Forecast
for Ages 7 to 11
By Billy Bernam
Age 8
Child Entrepreneur
Aries (March 21-April 19). Your bully is not amused when you replace the lunch money he stole from you with Folger's Crystals. Taurus (April 20-May 20). Your reality is shattered when you discover there is no Santa Claus, and you'll regret those things you let him do in the janitor's closet of the mall last Christmas just so you'd get the Blue Power Ranger. Gemini (May 21-June 21). You will astound your peers and teachers in class with the breakthrough discovery of a cure for Cooties, only to have Pfizer squeeze you out when they beat you to the patent office. Cancer (June 22-July 22). While trying to impress your friends isn't necessarily bad, doing so by attempting a 360 degree flip on the swing will only lead to yet another summer in a full body cast. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22). You will be shocked to discover that despite previous claims to the contrary, the examination performed behind the bushes in the backyard was not performed by an accredited doctor. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22). Your lobbying efforts to replace regular basketball in gym class with an hour of Xbox NBA Jam 2006 each day will fail miserably. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23). Success can be yours with the right amount of effort, so long as nobody finds out most of your amazing magazine fundraising numbers have come from selling Hustler subscriptions to prison inmates. Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21). The bite you received from a radioactive spider in science class does not lead to superpowers, but it does lead to an awkward 45 minutes with Ms. Hellgaard, the school nurse with halitosis.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). You think you're a unique kid with special talents who's really popular at school, but everybody knows you're just a big poopyhead. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19). Your campaign for class treasurer at the elementary school is severely hampered by revelations that you took dirty money from Jack Abramoff. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18). You feel a sense of urgency today that you haven't felt in a long time, probably because you drank seven Capri Suns and you've been holding in the pee for three hours now. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20). Despite the tireless efforts, your inability to become an emancipated minor or look even remotely Cambodian dashes any hope of being adopted by Angelina Jolie.
For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
11:28 AM
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Thursday, June 08, 2006
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'Unnamed' Democrat Would Win Over Republican
 (UNASSOCIATED PRESS) - A recent Gallup poll indicates that unnamed Democrats would beat incumbent Republicans in the 2006 Congressional races, but Democratic leadership has yet to find any candidates without names. Chairman of the DNC Howard Dean is scrambling to find unnamed Democrats. "The problem is, once we find candidates, it never fails that they have a name."
Polls show that Americans believe Republicans are so inept right now, theyd vote for Democrats so long as nobody tells them who that Democrat actually is. This difficulty seems to be that once the Democrat is actually named, the polls dip and the Republican regains the lead.
 Dean is considering a technique where throughout the campaign the Democratic candidate wears a bag on their had, much like the Unnamed Comic did in the 70s. "That way, we can be sure that since the public doesnt know their name, theyll vote for him. Uh, her. It." Dean hasnt ruled out finding an unnamed Democratic candidate or two before the 2006 election. "If youre a Democrat without a name, please contact us immediately. We guarantee you'll win!"
For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
7:50 AM
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Monday, June 05, 2006
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Congress Considers Ban on Elderly Marriage
 WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress may soon be poised to consider several competing proposals to ban marriage between elderly men and women. Polls show that many Americans oppose elderly marriage on moral and religious grounds, but are conflicted on whether or not a constitutional amendment banning old people from matrimony is the correct step to take.
 Majority Leader Senator Boehner (R) has not yet delineated the details of the proposed old-person marriage ban making its way in the Senate, but he told reporters on Tuesday that traditional marriage was "under siege" and "old people are denigrating this sacred institution, and we plan to defend it at all costs. Marriage should only be between a young man and a young woman, period."
The emotionally troublesome legislative issue has been a source of disparity in a population deeply divided in opinion on the subject. House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D) insisted the legislation was just a ploy to energize the conservative base. "The Right has long considered the AARP a political foe, and this is just yet another sleazy ploy to get out the youth vote." Some conservative congressmen have urged caution, as they don't want to be accused of geriatric-bashing.  Anti-Elderly organizations have recently conducted a coordinated national effort to combat elderly weddings, seeing it as a disintegration of the very foundations of American society. These groups consistently believe that the consummation of an elderly man and woman is morally repugnant and indefensible.
"It's disgusting," said Tanya Polanski, a 23 year old picketer outside the Washington Mall. "It's totally unnatural. They're a bunch of filthy sickening degenerates. I mean, at that age, doing what they do? Just the thought of those wrinkly, saggy bodies throbbing against each other, their shriveled up limbs and shapeless torsos writhing, body parts oozing..." Polanski periodically interrupted her rant with dry heaves and violent convulsions.  Opponents of elderly weddings insist that they are not prejudiced, but are merely blessed defenders of the traditional definition of matrimony as only between virile young men and fertile woman. "Marriage is under attack," said Elton Branford of the Urban Youth League. "Name one constructive purpose two geezers getting married serves. Marriage is for making babies. They can't ever have kids and most of them'll die of some disease in the next few years anyway. Elderly marriage is a drain on society's resources."
 Former presidential candidate Bob Dole saw the recent anti-elderly movement in his party disconcerting. He believes old people have just as much right to get married as anyone else. "I'm certainly in the demographic that this legislation targets," said Dole. "What's wrong with Elizabeth and I having sex? We're in love. Does age really matter? Isn't it really just about two people sharing a unique bond, devoting their lives to each other, being active and fruitful members of the community?" Boehner replied that while he respected the former Senator's position, the thought of the Doles boning each other was "enough to make me lose my breakfast, lunch and dinner."
 Massive boycotts have paralyzed companies like pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer. Pfizer's drug Viagra is held responsible by many fundamentalists for the resurgence of promiscuity in the elderly population. Rising opposition to state-subsidized access to Viagra has made some politicians quietly reconsider the 2004 Medicaire prescription Bill. Boycotts of Geritol and Vic's Vapo Rub have had a crippling effect on retirement home morale, and ratings for syndicated Matlock reruns are down 57% since the elderly marriage ban reached the floor of Congress.
 Branford didn't seem to betray any sympathy for the struggles of elderly couples for equal rights. "The activities these geezers are committing are sins against God and nature. The Lord our Savior intended marriage to be a sacred institution between a young man and woman for the sole purpose of procreation. Not so two wrinkly, geriatric bodies could go at it like ferrets. It's an affront to our very way of life. These Seniors are sinners, and should repent of their repugnant lifestyle instead of spending their time sticking it in each others dusty, dried up holes."
Related legislation banning elderly adoption of young children may be introduced in the Senate as early as next Thursday. Sponsor of the bill, Senator Santorum (R) has conveyed deep misgivings about elderly adoption, claiming a child seeing ones parents wearing similar diapers to their own would cause irreperable harm to their natural development. For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
12:44 PM
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Thursday, June 01, 2006
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Adopted Highway Has Deadbeat Dad
 BOSTON, Mass. All Highway 93 wants is the peace of mind that comes from a stable father figure to look after it and ensure its safety. Instead, the highway has been living in virtual squalor, the victim of months of neglect from its adopted father, local bartender Terry Figmore.
By all accounts 93 is a sweet, charming 6 lane highway that heads from New Hampshire towards the Boston Harbor. Known for its calm, grassy knolls and smooth riding, the highway has suffered from undeserved neglect since his adoptive father disappeared. Figmore is wanted on felony charges for willfully failing to keep up the highway and is considered one of the states most notorious deadbeat fathers, say state officials.
"He's scum," says ex-wife Tammy. "We made the decision to adopt the highway together, then he skips out on the next bus out of town. Our whole familys been struggling just to keep the litter by the dividers under control."
Without Figmore to help alleviate the hardship, Highway 93 has had to endure an overwhelming barrage of McDonalds burger wrappers, cigarette butts, used condoms, hefty sacks, boxes, broken glass and random trash.
Social Services has had to assist Tammy and the highways little brother Timmy in the care and upkeep of the road. Timmy does not hide his resentment. "I hate him. How could dad do this to us? We have to work our asses off inhaling carbon monoxide all day in orange vests while hes living the high life? Its just wrong."
While Figmore still remains at large, Boston officials remain hopeful he will be caught, imprisoned and forced to clean the same highway he abandoned with the inmates who sodomize him in the shower. For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
11:20 PM
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Tuesday, May 30, 2006
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Girl Extremely Talented at Being Naked
NEW YORK - Michelle Stansler's dream of being recognized for her God given talent of looking hot while buck naked finally came true after starring in Blowfinger Productions straight-to-internet video entitled Hot N' Nasty: Flesh Fest Five.
"I just knew that the Lord had blessed me with unparalleled abilities unlike anyone else. It was just a matter of finding the right forum to display to the world my distinct and exceptional talents."
With no singing, dancing or athletic ability whatsoever and a near-retarded IQ of 84, Michelle seemed fated for a life of mediocrity and anonymity. Her only hope seemed to find a strong, wealthy man to take care of her and save her from what certainly would be an unimpressive and tiresome life doomed to be forgotten in the dust bin of memory.
But quite by accident, Michelle discovered her stunning ability to be naked, when last November a strong gust of wind blew up her skirt near a local construction site causing the workers to whistle and gawk. "I had no idea I had an aptitude for exposing my voluptuous bubble butt, or the unique effect it would have on men. How lucky for me I hadn't worn underwear that day! It was then I knew my destiny." Since she discovered her talent for not wearing clothes, Michelle's prospects for a career have skyrocketed.
With luscious hips, long slender legs, a set of pouty, crimson red lips, goddess-like elevated cheekbones, a gorgeous mane of silky brown curls, healthy, perfectly oval breasts with silver dollar nipples and a deliciously ripe, round ass, some experts believe that as long as she's naked, Michelle may be the most singularly talented person the world has ever produced.
It may be Michelle's willingness to be so talented in front of the cameras that will separate her from the rest of the hundreds of thousands of 'models' on the internet. "Sure she's special. She's talented up the ass," panted her director, Oral Izer McHumpentuff, after the sweaty six hour shoot with Michelle for Blowfinger. "Ain't nobody's talented like Michelle is."
Since she was a small child, Michelle had dreamed of a moment when millions would unite and in unison celebrate her because of a talent she and only she possessed. After responding to the ad for nude modeling that led her to star in Flesh Fest Five, her one-of-a-kind ability to be totally bare-ass naked may finally be acknowledged on a global scale. For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
12:43 AM
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006
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White Actor Angry that Black Actor Got Othello Role
 CHESAPEKE A distraught Jason Girard stomped out of the Pantaloon Theatre on Sunday, up in arms over not receiving a call-back for the lead role in the theatre companys upcoming production of Shakespeares Othello.
Girard viewed this yet another in a long line of casting snubs. "All the great actors played Othello at one time or another," fumed Girard. "When Olivier did it, nobody blinked. Its the director, man. What, she thinks I can't play a black man?."
The plum role of Othello instead went to Leroy Stanton, an African American man who graduated from Juilliard Acting School before moving to Chesapeke. Stanton displayed excitement at the opportunity. "This is one of the few major roles in the classics where the character is actually black. Im looking forward to sinking my teeth into the Bard's wonderful material."
This isnt the first time Girard felt his talent was overlooked in the casting of Pantaloons productions. Last season he was annoyed at being overlooked for Evita despite showing up at the audition in a blond wig and
push-up bra, and he was livid that he wasnt even considered for the lead in Annie even though he vowed to "lose the weight". For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
6:17 PM
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Sunday, May 21, 2006
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Charity to Use Porn to Save At-Risk Youth
 DETROIT, Mich.- In order to keep inner city youth out of trouble, a local charitibale organization has created a new program providing a safe place for teens to come after hours to freely download hours and hours of hot, sweaty porn. "We found great success with midnight basketball programs in providing alternatives for the kids that were at-risk in the community," said charity founder Bart Holmgrin. "This is just another option that may appeal to teens that otherwise wouldn't have the bandwidth necessary to download the first 17 episodes of Anal Debutantes."
Holmgrin reports that Saving and Protecting Inner City Youth, or S.P.I.C.Y. is excited about the charity's first foray into other activities besides sports to attract the youth demographic away from life on the dangerous streets of Detroit. A pamphlet for the program claims it provides another appealing choice for young adults who might otherwise fall into gang life.  S.P.I.C.Y. has shown exponential growth in popularity, and every night larger groups of at-risk youth line up to the saran-wrap protected Dell P.C.'s that have given them the chance to explore such classic erotica as Schindler's Fist and Night of the Giving Head. When asked to give his opinion while utilizing the facilities to download Black Dicks on White Chicks IV, one adolescent named Rafael replied, "Uuuuunnngh."
The charity is currently accepting donations including mops, handiwipes, and any unused smut stored underneath neighborhood mattresses. "The future of our children is vitally important," said Holmgrin. "These children have amazing potential, and if giving them the chance to download the hot orgy scene from Forrest Hump stops just one of them from doing drugs or committing a drive-by shooting, then I've done my job."
For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
7:02 PM
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Thursday, May 18, 2006
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American Pissed that United States is Listed Alphabetically
 INDIANAPOLIS - Local accountant Gary Shemplten was not pleased to discover that his native country, the United States of America, was not listed at the top of the pull down menu at the start of his internet form filling. "God Damn it all to Hell!" exclaimed a visibly irate Shemplten as he struggled with the mouse roller. The resulting point and click added another 13 seconds to Gary's internet surfing time. "What's the fucking point of this? It starts at Afghanistan? Oh, yeah, real smart. Al Qaeda's a huge demographic for emoticons. Was this script written by a retarded orangutan?"
 Although many sites choose to put the U.S. at the top of the scroll lists if the majority of their clients are American, there are no universal guidelines for webmasters and internet developers when configuring listing choices. "I had to scroll all the way through Ethiopa, the Faroe Islands, Guyana, Kyrgyzstan and Liechenstein. Liechtenstein for God's Sake! Then I struggled down past Mauritania, rolled past Qatar and Sri Lanka, and finally, FINALLY I find 'USA' tucked between Uruguay and Uzbekistan. Thanks a lot jackasses."
For more fake news, please visit my site - Fwips Comedy News Service
11:52 PM
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