To all my Blog Subscribers

Wanted to let you all know that I am henceforth using this blog for Gag Reflex related information only.

But fear not... my hyper-witty, amazing blogging still goes on over on my personal page: http://www.myspace.com/schwartzcaster

Drop in and check it out. Subscribe even. :)

3:20 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Republicans and K-Fed are Out of the House

In 1992 I was babysitting my friends daughters on election night - Jen and Becky. Jen is now in Iraq and Becky, sadly, passed away a few weeks ago. I remember when they announced that Bill Clinton had been elected President , I cheered. I had grown up in the shadow of Reagan and it felt like a breath of fresh air. I called my girlfriend Anita and we cheered together.  I talked to Anita earlier today - obviously not my girlfriend anymore - but it just strikes me funny... the last few months have felt like a trip back to 1992. Or like 1992 part Deux. 

So, like that night in 1992 I got a shudder that ran down my spine when Wolf  "Boom Boom Panzer Division" Blitzer announced that the Democrats would control the House. I knew I was happy, but the feeling was different. I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I realized - it was hope.

I don't mean to make that sound overly dramatic, but essentially, that's what it was. It was the first glimmer of hope since 9/11. The shadow of that horrible day is long and still continues. And as horrific and tragic as that day was - it only seemed to get worse. The constant reminder of fear. More death. More ridiculously damaging rhetoric. Midnight raids. Lies. There seemed like no end in sight. It was just a general vibe in the air - hopeless. Tainted.

So tonight was the first real sign that we might be coming out of that forest. Tonight, people proved to me - and maybe it is just me - that real change can happen. That people aren't buying the bullshit anymore. That we aren't sheep who quiver at shouting about terrorists or rogue regimes or security or an invisible, angry Republican God. Sometimes we actually DO know what is best for us... and FUCK the rest of you. It takes real courage to get up out of that ass groove you have created in your complacency and do something about it. And tonight people did. Thank you.

But let's not get stupid happy. Democrats can just as easily fuck up a good thing too. But the point is that we need the push and pull of conservatives and liberals at all times. It's the zen of politics. The best policies, the best prosperity, the best America can ONLY happen when both sides debate. It may get heated, words may get exchanged - but debate and compromise are the only catalysts for true change. Good and Evil can't exist without each other. There's no Jeckyll without Hyde. And there's no America without red AND blue.

That's the change I want. I don't care if Bush stays in power. I'm just glad to know that now my beliefs and my part of the country can have a say without being cock slapped by the Republican majority and then told to sit down and shut up. We've been told to shut up for a long time now. And I think a nice sized chunk of America just stood up and said "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore."

Terrorists may have flown those planes into the the towers. But we turned on ourselves. Enemies at every gate. Who needs to bomb and kill when we're eating ourselves alive from the inside out. 

Tonight I felt the infection stop. We're still sick, but now we can start getting better. But we can only do it with all the pistons firing. (You like all the mixed metaphors?) The Dems will lose me if it turns into a retaliation game. Be good winners and move foreward.

It's like America and the liberals are... Britney. We really tried. We stomached as much as we could. But when the chips were finally down we said - enough is enough. And we kicked Kevin to the curb.

Okay.  That's a stretch. But it's a nice way to tie these two moments in time together. You'll never forget the night Britney filed for divorce I bet. And tonight, like a similar night in 1992 are linked forever in my mind.

And there are worse places to be right now.

:)

Eric

8:27 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A Drunken Night of Surveys .3

Q1) Do you snore? Yes and I fart distinct melodies in my sleep.
Q2) Are you a lover or a fighter? Lover.
Q3) What's your worst fear? John Stamos
Q4) As a kid, were you a Lego Maniac? No I was Lincoln Log Junkie 
Q5) What do you think of "REALITY" TV? This too shall pass.

Q6) Do you chew your straws? Big time.

Q7) Were you a cute baby?  Yes.

Q8) Is the single life for you? If it is I've made a serious error.

Q9) What color is your keyboard? Graycasian

Q10) Do you sing in the shower?  I stand in the toilet to sing.

Q11) Have you ever bungee jumped? No but I've donkey punched

 Q12) Any secret talents? I can make poop that looks like Presidents. I have been doing them in order too. I'm up to Millard Fillmore

Q13) What's your ideal vacation spot? Between a nice pair of boobs.

Q14) Is Jay Leno funny? No

Q15) Can you swim? I am much better at sinking.

Q16) Have you seen the movie "Donnie Darko"? Yes.

Q17) Do you give a damn about the ozone? The guy from Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo? Sure I hope he's doing well.

Q18) How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Not as many as it takes to get a chick to make you breakfast LOL!!!

Q19) Can you sing the alphabet backwards? Yes.

Q20) Have you ever been on an airplane? More than I care to imagine

Q21) Are you an only child? Yes. My sister is too.

Q22) Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpener? What kind of fucking question is that?!

Q23) Do you give a damn about the Ozone? I'm drunk, but not too drunk to notice that you already asked me this.

Q24) What's your stand on hunting? Who cares. Just don't shoot me. If you have so much time on your hands that you can worry about that, you need to either get laid or get some real fucking problems. 

Q25) Is marriage in your future? Cripes, slow down. I'm not even divorced yet!!!

Q26) Do you like your handwriting? I love the way I sign my name. As my wife says Eeek Shkzzz

Q27) What are you allergic to? Surveys and the French 

Q28) Is Elvis still alive? Yes in Ypsilanti Michigan.

Q29) Do you cry at weddings? No I just shoot.

Q30) How do you like your eggs? Unfertilized

Q31) Are blondes dumb? No, but they are easier to get into a pyramid scheme... I saw that on Discovery.

Q32) Where does the other sock end up?  Botswanna

Q33) What time is it? 4:30... It's not late - no - no - it's er-lay, er-lay

Q34) Do you have a nickname? Yes: Fuck you Fatty!

Q35) Is Mcdonalds disgusting? No. It's Disglisious!

Q36) When was the last time you were in a car? A little while ago.

Q37) Do you prefer baths or showers? Baths, but showers are very functional. Except mine seems to have a leak.

Q38) Is Santa Claus real? Yes. And so is Batman, Borat, Optimus Prime, Pillowpants, Osama Bin Laden and Jesus.

Q39) Do you like to have your neck kissed? Yes but not as much as my taint. LMAO!!!

Q40) Are you afraid of the dark? You fucking racist!

Q41) What are you addicted to? Nothing at the moment, but I'm working on it.

Q42) Crunchy or creamy peanut butter? Creamy, I have little holes in my colon.

Q43) Can you crack your neck? Yes, and yours too.

 
Q44) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes.

Q70) Who was the last person you talked to? Millie

9:30 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Drunken Night of Surveys .2

A - Age: Too Old Too Rock n Roll, Too Young To Die

B - Band you are listening to: Harvey Woods and the Backsplash Outcasts

C - Career: Are you offering, I could use one!

D - Drink or smoke: Drink - yep. Ill advised use of prescription medication - it's been known to happen. Smoke - dying for one, but now. 

E - Easiest person/s to talk to: No offense to anyone but Steve Lord, hands down. I tell the man everything.

F - Favorite song/s at the moment: Driving With The Brakes On by Del Amitri, Delicate by Damien Rice 

G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms: Bears!! 

J - Junk foods you like: Myspace doesn't have enough bandwidth for this. 

L - Longest car ride ever: Tulsa to Silver Springs New Mexico, 27 hours. 

M - My favorite Sport/s: World Cup Masturbation 

N - Number of relationships you've had: Okay,  take out a pen...

O - One wish you have: I Wish Mike Vertenten Was Here

P - Phobias: Crapping my pants on a commuter train, merange

Q - Favorite Quote: Never attempt a land war in Asia. 

R - Reason to smile: Danny's Japanese writing

S- Song: Fantastic Place by Marillion

T- Time you woke up: Fucking Early

U - Unknown fact about you: I started this gangsta shit and this is the muthafuckin thanks I git

V - Vegetable/fruit you hate: Radishes

W - Worst habit: eating

X - X-rays you've had: Nearly every inch of me has been X-Rayed... this one is a stretch

Y- Yummy food/s: Cold Cereal and sandwiches 

Z- Zodiac sign: Capricorn

9:06 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Drunken Night of Surveys .1

8:25 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

One Week Until All Hezbollah Breaks Loose!!!

This is it.

This is the start of  what is termed in the theater world as "Hell Week". Now we get down to business, buckle down, get serious... and all those other things you used to tell yourself you'd do the first week of school.

Basically it's panic time. Now we have to take all those scenes that we only half know, polish them up, put them in some sort of order, assign them a song upon blackout, list them in a program and kick them out the door onto the stage. It's a joyous, wonderful time. As director, I'm having the tummy squirts, but that always happens. The cast of this show has been together so long and worked together so much, there's no guess work. We will pull it off and have a great time doing it.

Our only regret this time around is that we are down three gaggers. Lisa Sprague moved to Missouri over the summer (sniff), so we will not have her wit and energy. Steve Stern had a lot of scheduling conflicts for this run and was unable to perform. So we won't have his teetering-on-the-edge-out-of-his-mind energy that the audience eats up (or the eye candy for the ladies). And Marea has been busy directing her own show across the river and the schedule butted heads. So, we won't have her incredible timing and singing voice.

So what you are getting this time out really is Gag Reflex Classic. Steve, Millie, Ben, Kris, Marla, Eric - we are going to pretend that Ben didn't actually leave the group for 7 years. Marla is the newest member and she's been in the group 6 years. So, you see, classic Gag at it's best.

And the show they have turned out this time is... well... frankly... unbelievably funny and outrageous and chock full of the sublime, the silly, the smart and the filthy. Really filthy! There is one sketch you have to see to believe.

This time out we have contributions from everyone (including our old pal Dale), including FIVE new songs.

So check out our profile for dates and times- then pack up the car and come see HEZBOLLAHPALOOZA!!!

If you think they're crazy in the middle east - wait 'til you get a load of us.

6:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Our Bright Future: Christina

Another in our series of Myspace links meant to drive reasonable, critical thinking adults to drink.

This one is going to be touchy. And frankly, I don't care.  Please visit the odd looking Christina. Not unpleasant - just odd.

And then I want you to read her blogs about homosexuality - in order. If you find that you agree with her - it's probably best if you delete me (or us) as friends - or at least you probably shouldn't read our blogs anymore. No harm, no foul - we will just never see eye to eye. Why cause tension, when we can avaoid.

I love people who attack one side of an argument (the existence of a gay gene) with a lack of scientific proof and then try to win an argument about the evil pointlessness of homosexuality with THE BOOK OF GENESIS!!! *head wall head wall head wall blood* You can't choose science as your freind one moment only to let loose a streaming, steaming line of urine onto science and reason the next. Oh wait - yeah you can. Your an American - and loudly, profoundly, dumbfoundedly "Christian" (notice the quotes).

And John Mayer is on her Top Friends list. Doesn't she listen to the words?

It's blogs like these that remind me that I live in a great country but a REALLY fucked up culture. Enjoy.

CLICK HERE FOR CHRISTINA

7:37 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Bush Bush Bush

Just a quickie... I took this from a news article I was just reading: 

"On another anti-terror matter, with Osama bin Laden still at large five years after the 9/11 attacks, Bush said he could not send thousands of troops into Pakistan to search without an invitation from the government. "Pakistan's a sovereign nation," Bush said.  "

WHA?!!! Uh... Did he just fucking say that? Come again? Are you fucking kidding me?! Let me read that again.

"On another anti-terror matter, with Osama bin Laden still at large five years after the 9/11 attacks, Bush said he could not send thousands of troops into Pakistan to search without an invitation from the government. "Pakistan's a sovereign nation," Bush said.  "

Yep. That's what he fucking said. Actually - Pakistan is a sovereign nation with weapons of mass destruction. Anybody else remember the nuclear tests in Pakistan and India 10 years ago? So... um... I... WHAT THE FUCK!? Somewhere there is a Spin Doctor slamming his head into something. Let me rewrite this and put it into perspective.

"On another matter, with so many followers concerned about recent events in the cult world , Jim Jones said he would not have his followers drink Kool-Aid laced with deadly poison. "Why would I do that? That's crazy. "

2:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Amazon

Date: Mon, 19 Jun 2000

From: "James Sweater"

Subject: My Grandfather

To: info@amazon.com

Dear Amazon,

I have never visited your website on the internet

before. I, of course, have seen commercials and stuff.

I have only had my 'puter as I call it for about 6

months and I just love sitting around on my time off

looking at websites and reaching out from my home in

Roanoke,VA to the outside world.

So, before I ramble on forever let me get to the

point. I have just spent father's day with my father.

In the course of a pinochle game he makes reference to

my Grandfather's books. I almost died, choking on a

mimosa!!! Wouldn't that have been a sight. A guy dying

at a fancy restaraunt during thier father's day

brunch. 

I had no idea that Grampy had been an author. It seems

my Grampy had written a bunch of books back toward the start of the century. He gave me a list of titles -

"Who's That At The Door?" , "Parker's Down With The

Flu", "Molly's Arches", "The Danover Difference", "Red

Hen Killed Again", "Night Of The Butter Knife", "The

Loose Morals Of Pastor Davis", "Barnaby Makes Good", "The Reckless Rapscallion", "Hard Time In

Bollinsville", "The Pirates of Maple Avenue", "Bells

of  Anger", "Der Luger" and "Pride Among The Waves."

So I asked him if he had copies. Obviously I wanted to

read them. He told me that most of the books went

through only one printing and the family copies went

up in 1948 in the same farm house fire that took my

Uncle Jeb (my eldest boy is named after him.)

I don't even know where to start. I always thought I

was a family odd ball because I secretly want to be a

writer. I work for the Roanoke Sanitation Dept and I

have been working on a novel called "Ouch! That's My

Soul!" Now I find that it's in the family. But I don't

know where to find these books. His name was Oskar

Svetarovicz. (My father changed it to Sweater in the

mid fifties.)

Do you have any advice? Let me know how I can go about finding my grandfather's body of work.

Thank you so much!

9:47 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

From The Journals of Dr. Ibo Bronski - July 24, 1956

At dawn we broke camp and made our way toward the area indicated by the small, Mexican peasant boy. Rueland and I have been in Mexico now for well over a month tracking down ... well ...  that's just it...

We haven't been able to breathe a word of our expedition to anyone. Poachers, photographers, the Pentagon – any of them would kill, maim and blackmail  to find out where we are heading. (Which is why Rueland had to kill that small, Mexican peasant boy.) Rueland is all too willing to kill for our cause, giddy almost. He's always saying "He knows too much, we have to kill him!" To which I usually have to reply "Who? The guy across the street?" He frightens me. Not just because he seems to be the blood-thirstiest of all the anthropologist/archeologists I've known – but his ability to cook the most delicious paella out of almost no ingredients is, frankly, creepy.

By noon we reached the foot of our prize – a giant mesa deep in the Mexican outback. Ancient Aztecs named this place "Muy Grande", which in the ancient Aztec tongue meant "place high above the heads of the Gods". For untold centuries it has been revered as a holy place, a place that should only be stepped on by the feet of holiest of men. It is a sacred place in the ancient culture of this land and it should be preserved. Rueland finished eating his Baby Ruth and dropped the wrapper. He always calls it a "marker" but I think he might just be lazy.  When Rueland's snack was finished we proudly, boldly began to climb the rock face that our hands weren't worthy to touch.

Climbing took the rest of the afternoon. Sweat stung my eyes and my hands and arms were numb from pulling myself bodily up the side of Muy Grande. But our final destination was so close. I thought of all the people I'd left behind; Cynthia, Lady Wolmsfort, Chelsea, The Mottogrott Twins, Jonesy, Atticus, Florence, Mr. Cuddlebumps, the Great Britain Club for Mexican Adventurers Club, Claus Von Shnaussaubergenflauss, Judith and the Coughing Twelve, Mama Pollenta, Kip, Chip, Father Lipps and, of course, my cat, Scratchy Mcscratchumlotsaclaws. When the climb got to be too much, I remembered why I was doing it for them. I was doing it to make them proud. Except for Florence – I never really cared about her or what she thought of me. I just could never seem to take her out of that string of images that would flash through my mind when I would climb rock faces. Florence and her piercing, mismatched eyes and double jointed jaw. How she haunts me. One day I would return to the old Tibetan man in Tibet and he would teach me to strike her from my mind. Yes, one day.

By five o'clock, our European skins red with the kisses of the seductive Mexican sun, we reached the top of the Mesa and made our way to the interior. We chopped our way through a few hundred yards of dense jungle and eventually stepped into the setting sunlight that revealed the hilly grasslands of Muy Grande's interior. We continued forward, as directed by the late, small Mexican peasant boy – just before Rueland... I must stop thinking of it... and Florence... Oh Tibet, free me.

As we moved forward over the warm, breeze-swept grasslands – we became aware of a sound. Dull at first, but growing. It was a sound like thousands of pebbles falling hard into mud. Then we saw the dust cloud rising just over the crest of the next hill. I broke into a run, my heart banging to get out of my chest, tears welling in my eyes. I could hear Rueland running behind me. So close to the dream. So near the end of our journey.

As I reached the top of the final hill, the full expanse of the Mesa opened up before me. In the dying rays of the Mexican sun I could see it. The sight I had waited all my professional life to see.  My breath caught in my throat. I could feel the sting of saltwater in the corner of my eyes. I could feel Rueland at my side and I heard him sniffle. The majesty of the sight was unshakeable. The power of the moment. The moment of discovery.

There, sweeping across the virgin grasslands of Muy Grande like a beige river was the last herd of wild Chihuahuas on Earth.

Our quest was at an end.

9:04 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment