saturday morning mist and magic...
Current mood: blissful
Category: Life
i hope i never lose the ability to hear bird songs...we've got these robins nesting outside our house and they fill the air, touches my heart in a deep place. such a simple things can bring me ecstacy in the morning. i may have learned this from my grandmother, who would always invite me to listen to the birds when i was a child. those lessons in presence remain with me, and i'm grateful.
...learning alot lately about powers of thought, about self-love, and growing.
i want my mission in life - my mission in life is - to help make it easier for us to speak about and hear what's on our hearts...to speak to the truth within us. that's something i'll go up in flames for.
From Unity--which is the One back of all things, through the One Law, which is the medium of the One--multiplicity is manifested, but it never contradicts Unity. When we realize that we are dealing with an Infinite Intelligence, and with an Infinite Law within this Intelligence, we see that there can be no limit placed upon Creation. We think of the world as we see it, but we see it from the viewpoint of only one plane. We see it as matter, which we have divided into eighty or ninety
odd elements; but we discover that all of these elements come from one substance. Suppose we should view it from ten different planes, what would happen? We should see ten times as much as we now see. The present hypothesis of science is that the ether is more solid than matter; and this means that there could be a form within the very form that one's body now occupies in space; there might even be a million bodies, each within the other; and each would be just as real as the one that we now think we occupy. The Universe, as we see it, is not even a fractional part of the Universe that actually is. "Eye hath not seen," 20 because it sees only on one plane, i.e., in part.
THIS IS A MUST SEE, shared from a brother from the South:
Read This from "the sacred matrix"...
Current mood: pure
Category: Life
some excerpts from "The Sacred Matrix" i believe are worth reading, especially the last few paragraphs on closed and open hearts:
The sacred matrix is the original, trans-historical, non-alienated, cosmic and divine matrix of universal life. According to the plan of Creation for the human being we are to realize it on earth. It appeared to us in our childhood, when the candles burned in the Christmas tree, it filled us with the bliss of first love, and it sometimes crossed our paths at the edge of death. We can never leave it entirely, for we are born of it, we have gone through eons with it, and again and again we have seen it light up at the edges of the roads and the fences of our territory. We met it in the beyond, and we reconnected to it, so that we would never forget it again when we returned to earth. Yet we always forgot it again and we became so accustomed to forgetting that it now only seems like a distant dream to us. But will not this earthly life, that we are living here and now, and that seems so absolutely real, one day when we return to the beyond, also seem like an unreal dream? Have we not gotten to know the game with the many different realities too well to simply see dreams as simply dreams? It is not a dream, but a deep, deep memory, that comes over us when we touch the Sacred, and this memory keeps recreating our longing. In the name of truth we cannot but find and follow the entire content of this longing. For the longing, that is recognized and not suppressed or sentimentalized, is the signpost that leads us to our sacred home.
What will the sacred matrix look like, when it has been realized among humans? There are many images, many fragments, many partial realizations. They come from many different times and cultures. Tradition speaks of a "golden age", and today we can assume that it truly did exist. The sacred matrix has already been realized on earth. We can find it again, not by putting this mosaic together stone by stone, but by entering a state in which it fulfills us automatically, and which shows us a vision of future society. It is the state of connectedness; it is the universal state of being. The sacred matrix always assembles itself by itself, as soon as our consciousness is in the state of the universal frequency. The more often we are in this state, the more we can see, and the more the world can show itself to us in the light of the sacred matrix. It is the self-revelation of a possible life that is inherent in the building plan for human beings.
In this life, there are no laws that are created out of fear, for there is no fear. There is also no violence, for there is no resistance to overcome. There is also no technology that is based on overcoming resistances, for in the sacred matrix we receive the necessary powers through resonance. There is no robbing and no conquering, no unfulfilled hunger, and no consuming needs, for we live on a planet of abundance. There is no humiliation and no cruelty, for we are all beings of the same Spirit and the same life. There are opposites, but no contradictions; there are conflicts, but no wars, there may at times be harshness, but no cruelty. There is no religious disguising or glorification of evil, for evil no longer exists. There are no longer any punishing male gods, but also no female deities such as the Indian Kali, the Greek Artemis or the Babylonian Inanna, wherein the union of good and evil is celebrated. These deities all arose during the patriarchal era, when the sacred matrix had long ago been distorted by mankind's great mistake. The icons of the sacred matrix, which were created during the prehistoric era, no longer exist or else they remain only as remnants. The deities from that time live latently in the present, waiting for new cooperation and resurrection.
While I am writing all this, the sacred matrix is operating like a coordinating program in my cells, as an operator in my thoughts, as a source of my vision. May it transfer to the reader, so that we together can find the passion and the power to bring it onto Earth........
There are assertions about the issue of evil, especially from esoteric circles and from within transcendental psychology, that are based on "holotropic" experiences (Stanislav Grof). They claim that evil is an independent, meaningful, and even necessary power within the building plan of the universe. It is true that in holotropic states, for example under the influence of drugs, one can enter into states of horror, from which one cannot escape on one's own. Evil then seems to have an objectivity of its own, against which one is powerless. But precisely here lies the mistake. These phenomena are not objective; instead, they are projections of the soul that stem from a deep inner fear. Aided by the drug, the fear enters into resonance with the world, transforming it into a threatening construct. If this fear were not to exist, there would also be no horror images. If, on top of it all, we believe in the projections and see them as real because we cannot distinguish between projection and reality, then we enter into full resonance with the images. Once this resonance is in place, then the situation becomes truly dangerous and we lose control. This mechanism is one of the reasons why strong psychedelic drugs can be dangerous. But it is not proof of the cosmic existence of evil, only of our inability to differentiate between projection and reality in the deeper areas of our consciousness. As soon as we have learned to do this and not to identify with the horror images, they pass us by and disappear again. Other scenarios, with increasing light influences, take their place. When the inner fear disappears entirely, the deepest state, called "enlightenment" or "transcendental experience", begins. It is an unequivocal state of the most concrete and definite reality........
There has never been anything evil in any state of enlightenment. Wherever the forces of life and light are not blocked or resisted, evil does not result. Instead, we find the perfect bliss and revelation of life. It is only when they are blocked through inner and outer resistance that restriction arises and an inner collision occurs that is experienced as fear, insanity, and demonic hell. Hell is the blocking of the most elementary life energies and heaven is the liberation of the most elementary life energies. The old fight by the Persian Zarathustra, the fight between the two world forces of good and evil, Ormuzd and Ahriman, is not a basic law of Creation. It is the result of an historic process, in which the human being began to attack the sources of his own life......
There are two states of being: one with a closed heart and one with an open heart. Love is the opening of the heart. The worst truth about the patriarchal era is that it prevented love. The misery of western society lies in the fact that no permanent love is possible, because from very early on open hearts are bombarded with unimaginable disappointments and meanness. At first children have open hearts, but little by little, they close them off because adults today usually have no idea how to deal with open hearts. Events in childhood are often like a drop of acetone that falls on an amoeba. It closes off its openings and pulls back its tentacles. This pre-programs the organism to close itself off in the future too. In their first love, youths have an open heart, but often they soon experience that it is better to close it off again, because the experience hurt too much. Adults are usually only prepared to open their hearts fully under certain precisely calculated conditions. Since these conditions are incompatible with true love, their heart closes itself off by itself and then remains more or less closed forever. A humane world can only come about through open hearts. In this sense, we can say that the determining point for the realization of the Sacred Matrix on earth is love.
However, this also marks the beginning of the drama, for none of us has closed off his/her heart without a reason. We are taking a risk by opening it up again. We are afraid to do so, because for generation after generation we have had bad experiences when we have done so. The greater the longing, the greater the fear. Ultimately, billions of people have learned to conquer their longings. In its place we put vicarious fulfillment that is compatible with the system: entertainment, the media, consumption, tourism, football – and sometimes war.
Many bad things result from unfulfilled love. Revenge arises from a love that has been betrayed. Clinging, blackmail, jealousy, the fear of abandonment, distrust, and mutual spying on each other: these are elements of a modern syndrome affecting our love relationships, and they are the result of bad experiences during a time when our hearts were still open. Wherever there is a spark and the heart wants to open up in a fraction of a second, there the inner opponent is often faster. Instead of love, the result is anger or fear, because the pain, which once was connected to love, is stored in the subconscious. For millennia, the fate of love has been tied to disappointment and separation, betrayal and lies, suspicion and meanness, murder and manslaughter. This resulted in a collective psychological structure, which reacted to love with the fear of separation, to the fear of separation with false promises of faithfulness, and to false promises of faithfulness with anger and revenge. This fateful connection lies at the foundation of today's society and of its concepts of love and rules of marriage, its morals, and its strategies of war.
There can be no peace on earth as long as there is war in love.
my prayer is that we all find the willingness to let go of fear, the courage to say the unsaid and the longing to look into eachother's eyes with a recognition of the Christ within us.
big thoughts behind small words...
Current mood: blessed
Category: Life
oh mamae, more attractive men on my massage table wanting more than deep tissue.....help me.
Lesson of the Week: the prayer of st. francis...learning when and how to really LET GO of things, expectations, when wanting things to be other than they are.....learning to energetically accept - really accept - what is, where others are at, who i'm being, etc.
gratitude: for the experience of separation, lonliness, disconnection and alienation. it brings a lot of compassion for the majority of people who live this way everyday.
gratitude for a spiritual path that quickens me, and for the plant teachers who have shown me so much and given me whatever i've asked for. gracias.
movement: i feel my heart opening and softening more through the practice of meditation, of acceptance, of dissolving the things i cling to and raising the bar of trust beyond myself up to God...letting go of some of my agendas, staying in a constant prayer "may i be of service to Thee...all for Thee".
The morning sky before dawn has been stunning over the past month, at least when there has been no rain. I was out early the other morning to have a look at things and to get bit of a feel for the energies about the place. Looking toward the East, Jupiter and Venus graced the Eastern horizon—the benefics greeting the rising Sun. What an auspicious symbol, I thought to myself. I was feeling happy that morning, and seeing those two celestial heralds sitting there gleaming like pearls in the sky only added to my sense of well-being. The prime minister was preparing his landmark speech to the nation, I had just had a wonderful celebration of the lunar New Year with a bunch of my friends, I had received some good news from work and life seemed to be ticking along pretty well, all told. The one thing that really stood out to me on that morning, however, was a feeling of an absolute clarity of mind, which was only augmented by the view before me. Pluto was up there, too, just to the left of Jupiter. I could feel him. I knew he was there—the old task master! (I can think of names I would rather use, but modesty prevents me.) Pluto had been prominent in my mind in recent weeks, but it had done its work for and on me and I was feeling a lot freer for the efforts. So, my curiosity being satisfied, I said thanks to my old friends and went back inside to prepare for the working day. Mercury was retrograde and my work load was up as a result, true to form. So many broken machines—life is good.
As we saw in the last letter, Pluto will be playing on and with all of us for the remainder of the year. And, with the Sun about to enter Pisces, Pluto's influence over the next month is particularly highlighted since it is the esoteric ruler of Pisces. There is a lot going on in the undercurrents of world thought and feelings these days. A host of old hurts are coming up to be redressed. Actually, Pisces speaks quite a bit of old wounds and unresolved issues—the little annoying, yet persistent voices that seem to whisper in our ears just below the level of hearing when they are ready to be released. I had been aware of a lot of that for myself of late. I was glad to have a clear head space again. The next few months, especially, are going to be a time wherein many facets of our emotional life will be addressed. We will see the reasons for that in due course. However, perhaps the biggest thing that stands out to me about the month before us and the greater period to come is that fact that there will be a decided note of restitution in the emotional sphere, with the consequent restoration of a more balanced and common-sense approach to life. The air is about to be cleared, emotionally speaking, and in a big way. Since I have sent out so much information to you in the past weeks, I will keep this letter short. With that, let's get into the dynamics of this full moon, which is also an eclipse, and the dynamics of the Pisces solar festival and period for 2008.
This full moon follows on the tail of a Moon Wobble, the height of which occurred on the 17th of this month. Moon Wobbles generally indicate emotional strains and stresses and can last for about a week on either side of the date of exactitude. There will be three more to come this year, with the others to fall on the following dates: 14 May, 11 Aug and 6 Nov. The August 11th Moon Wobble falls in the middle of the August eclipses of this year. Many of you may already feel the energies of the coming full moon and eclipse building. The scene has already been set by the precursor of the Moon Wobble and there is a sort of feeling around the place, so-to-speak, that something is about to happen. The thing about lunar eclipses, which is what this eclipse will be, is that we feel them more than we do solar eclipses. The Moon represents the feeling/emotional nature and one's basic needs in life, so we may note that our needs are highlighted by the coming of a lunar eclipse. This one is a South Node eclipse, so it represents some kind of emotional culmination, completion or closure depending upon the planets or angles involved or the house in which it occurs with regard to one's natal horoscope. Relationship matters are almost always highlighted by lunar eclipses. This particular one is unusual in many regards, however, and we need to have a closer look at it before we get into the dynamics of the full moon period itself. Along with the preceding points, we should realize that we are about to enter into the high spiritual point of the year with the Aries, Taurus and Gemini solar festivals to come—energy is building, and it is coming from a 'high place', i.e., the higher Self.
With regard to the eclipse of 21 Feb 2008, something has to give, does it not? Is that not what many of us are feeling? This eclipse is of the same family of eclipses (10 North) as the one we just had on the 7th of this month, so I refer you to Part 2 of the New Year letter for that information, if you need it. There are two themes at work on top of what has been given about the 10 North eclipse series, and those themes are indicated by the symbols for the degrees of the Sun and the Moon in the full moon figure. The symbol for the Sun, bearing the main theme for the solar festival period reads:
"A squirrel hiding from hunters." 2 Pisces
The basic energy before us with this solar period is one of self-protection, which in many ways flies in the face of the higher purposes of Pisces, which is about salvation of others, not self-protection. We will have more on Piscean themes in a bit. However, sometimes the wisest path to salvation is through self-protection from time to time. It would be foolish to put ourselves in harm's way unnecessarily or if there is no useful purpose in it. On the other hand, if we are overly self-protective when we should really be 'down in the thick of it', then we miss many opportunities and we may not have the resolution of circumstances or healing we might desire. From what might we be protecting ourselves, then? That is indicated by the symbol for the degree of the Moon, which reads:
"A large white cross dominates the landscape." 2 Virgo.
The symbol for this degree actually speaks of the activation of many of the higher aspects of Pisces—compassion, wisdom won through hard experience, salvation from suffering and liberation from the wheel of life and death (samsara). This degree will be particularly poignantly highlighted for us by what I would call the lord of the eclipse, which is Saturn. Some astrologers might consider that the orb for the Moon/Saturn conjunction is too wide to justify Saturn as the lord, but given the theme of the lunar degree and the fact that it is a South Node eclipse, I have to take exception with the general rule of thumb on the matter of eclipse lords. The 10 North series is about communications, however, which is Mercurial, and Mercury rules Virgo, making it the natural lord of the eclipse. So, this eclipse has overriding themes of both planets—Mercury and Saturn. Mercury has just moved off its station from its retrograde phase, so communications should be starting to clarify from the time of the full moon onwards.
Now, it was mentioned that there were several unusual features to this eclipse, and those features revolve mainly around Saturn. It is not the usual course of things that Saturn 'closes' an eclipse, because Saturn moves so slowly. With this one, however, Saturn is retrograde at the time of the eclipse, and it will 'close' the eclipse within a few short months. There will be many lessons around ego with this eclipse, and many decisions made as a result. The Sun and Saturn in combination, especially in tense aspect (conjunction, square or opposition, as in this case) are known for a propensity to produce struggle and tensions in one's life. Saturn highlights ego structures, restrictions and sensitivities (fears), whereas the Sun is one's vital force and natural ebullience—quite at odds with the structuring, restrictive force of Saturn. Money and worldly matters are always a concern when Sun/Saturn combinations are found in a chart, especially if Saturn is retrograde, as it is here. The Sun/Saturn opposition here can bring feelings of entrapment, anger, despair or frustration—perhaps all of those feelings. The thing about this eclipse, though, is that we will somehow be called or impelled toward liberation from such feelings. Hence, the theme of the symbol for the lunar degree becomes quite important in this regard and points to, as Dane Rudhyar has described it, some sort of liberating ordeal, with the result being that we would have gained a lot of wisdom and compassion for having gone through the experience.
In the eclipse/full moon figure, the Moon is at the midpoint of the South Node and Saturn, all conjunct by translation of light. This combination is not considered to be a particularly happy one, especially since the South Node and Saturn are involved. The overall key words for the combination are feelings of inhibition, loneliness, a person standing alone in life and depression. On the other side of the coin, this combination can also bring with it a profound sense of wisdom and maturity and a heightened sense of responsibility, which can all be very good so long as there is no sense of guilt involved with that sense of responsibility. Saturn makes two 'hits' of the eclipse point by transit —the first on the 20th of April (retrograde) and the second on the 16th of May (direct). However, the activation of the eclipse point by Saturn will cover the time span of roughly mid-March through the first week of June. Cheers, folks! The last 'hit' will bring a final event or decision regarding whatever situation in which one is involved at the time of the eclipse dynamic. This eclipse is all about emotional realities and freeing ourselves from emotionally restricting circumstances. There is also a strong sense of finality and fate around this eclipse, as is indicated by Saturn.
The main time to watch for the major events to be brought about by the Feb 21st eclipse is the 21st of May, as a median date. On that date there is a double activation of the eclipse point by the Sun and Saturn. The other Sun activation takes place on Aug 24th and the only Mars activation this year is on July 4th. Get out the fireworks and celebrate! Whether the eclipse will have anything left in it in terms of outer events after July will remain to be seen. With two Saturn activations, it is doubtful that much more would follow in the wake of this eclipse after July of this year. At this point, then, I will leave the subject of eclipses for a while (until August). It is time to have a look at the dynamics of the full moon figure and see what is in store for the month of this solar festival.
We have already had a look at the Sun/Moon axis and considered the effects of the eclipse. What has not been mentioned is that the Moon is trine Pluto in this figure, making an 'easy opposition' of the Sun/Moon axis. What this means is that any resolutions to be had from the eclipse will be made easier and will contribute toward a strengthening of our sense of well-being. Saturn trines Pluto as well, contributing a sense of diligence and hard work, but in a positive sense. There will be a real feeling of inner drive with this full moon—a sense that we need to get on with things and that we have a great capacity of endurance and fortitude to see things through. Pluto in positive aspect to a full moon, as we have here, can be revelatory in terms of self-knowledge. There is also a sense of fearlessness with such a combination. We know what needs to happen and we simply get on with what has to be done.
There is a very interesting geometric pattern involving the undecile series of aspects, the eleventh-harmonic aspect. The planets involved are the Moon, Mars, Jupiter and Chiron, with an additional triangle formed with Uranus thrown in for good measure and a bit of interest. The undecile aspect series is thought to impart sudden or drastic change, sudden flashes of insight, unusual events or outcomes and, most importantly, resolution of difficult circumstances—seeing the dualities in one's self and circumstance and finding unique ways of dealing with them. This last point often happens unconsciously in the case of undeciles.
In addition to the subtle geometry of the undecile series, we also have what is known as a Mystic Rectangle, involving a Mars/Pluto opposition, the Sun/Moon axis and with Mars also completing an 'easy opposition' with the Sun/Moon axis. Positively expressed, this configuration brings strong intuition and insight into what might ordinarily be unbearably stalemated situations. The Mars/Pluto opposition will provide the necessary catalysts for change—perhaps explosively, hopefully not—whereas the full moon axis provides the insight the solar festival is meant to bring with it. We should keep in mind that any full moon period is the high point of the month, spiritually considered. The full moon periods are when the spiritual forces of the planet are in their deepest phases of concentration each month. Hence, we are able to access energies and insights not normally available to us at other times. All that additional subjective energy is also why we see a marked increase in hospital admissions at those times. Some people simply find the extra forces too difficult to handle. Release has to come in some way.
Finally, the only other major planetary configuration in the full moon figure comes from the Sun/North Node/Neptune conjunction, to end things on a happier note. The Sun and Neptune are in the two signs most associated with humanity, service and the work of salvation—Aquarius and Pisces. The North Node tends to bring in new circumstances and the meeting of new people. This is a highly spiritual and psychic combination and indicates care for the needy and the sick. We should note, too, that Neptune is at the midpoint of Chiron and the North Node and in wide conjunctions to both of them, also indicating the healing arts and the resolution of emotional pains. In all, my sense is that the period from now—really until mid-June—is going to be a period wherein some old hurts are going to come forward for resolution, but there is plenty here to indicate some especially favorable outcomes can arise from what will be presented to us, as indicated by the stellium of the Sun, North Node, Neptune and Chiron. And, just so we keep a level head about it all, the idealistic pairing of Mercury and Venus by conjunction is in quincunx to Saturn—a 'Saturn clash' by Magi astrology rules. Although the eclipse itself is classed as a minor one in terms of magnitude, its effects upon personal, and maybe international, relations may be more telling than we might think at first glance. Look at what is happening around us. In Australia, for instance, the government—at long last—has said "Sorry" to the 'stolen generation' of aboriginals. Healing is happening all around us. (I put 'stolen generation' in quotes to indicate the term, not to cast aspersions on the meaning of it. If you live outside Australia and do not know what it means, do a search on the term. It is well-worth a look.)
"I am the Light of the world; he who follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the Light of Life." (John 8:12) Pisces distributes this "Light of the World"—the energy of the Christ Light. The preceding quote was made at the inception of the Age of Pisces. All true faiths show the way to that Light. It is not a Light that is bound to religion, however, nor is it the sole demonstration of any single personage. It is that Light which reveals the Light of Life itself, as that quote from one of Jesus' sermons states. It is a Light which each one of us carries—and will some day fully demonstrate—as our true Essence. It ends forever the darkness of material existence and reveals the glories of the heaven realms—the realms of the Buddhas, Bodhisattvas (Christs), devas, angels, dakas and dakinis, and hosts of deities of all description—including ourselves. It is these realms to which Piscean experience leads us, and for which it prepares us, for there is our true salvation. We lead others to those realms, too, by our own self-salvation in the crucible of material life and in having to 'live in the world, but be not of it'. Does it feel as though a large white cross is somehow dominating your landscape? What will be presented to us? What will our response be in the time of need? How will respond when our own needs have to be addressed and the needs of others as well?
For the longest time I have had a postcard on the bulletin board in my study at which I have smiled many times over the past few years. On it is a picture of John Howard in stately pose, light rays radiating out from his head, and with the members of his front bench arrayed below him. At the bottom of the card is a caption which reads "Love means never having to say you're sorry." It is, of course, a protest and satire on the refusal of past governments, and especially the Howard government, to say 'that word' to the aboriginal community in Australia. The point to be made from this is not about politics or people, however. We most often find ourselves in painful situations because of our own poor choices, misguided thinking or deliberate wrongful actions, and often from events that happened long ages ago in the past. Nature always balances itself, even in the human world. Nothing ever goes uncorrected, and in simple human terms that process of 'correction' is often most elegantly started by the utterance of a simple word—"Sorry". Who knows what has happened to us or because of us in the remote reaches of the Earth's history? Few are those who really know. The important thing is that we deal with what is in front of us right now and make certain that whatever wrongs have been committed do not happen again. Actually, love does mean having to say one is sorry at times. May whatever happens for you over the next few months, and especially this one, eventually bring you the inner peace and happiness that we all very rightly deserve, for the natural state of the human being is joy itself—if we could only realize it. The day of the eclipse is also the Buddhist celebration of the Day of Miracles. May all blessings and happiness be yours and may your merit be multiplied a hundred-million times!
drawn to shaky tender places
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life
Starting the Day with "Nothing Happening":
This underlying sense of threat when nothing is happening gets stronger and stronger, and we fear it more and more and more. The bodhichitta practices, and actually all practices, are about learning to stay with nothing happening, just with a sense of silence, of space, and definitely with uneasiness, with anxiety, and so forth. And we find our way to do so without it being overwhelming. Then something can begin to shift —which Trungpa Rinpoche referred to as cool boredom. The very same nothing happening feels like home-free, feels like freedom, feels like deep, profound, unshakable relaxation, feels like spaciousness— space in our mind, space to sense of workability of our lives.
But we have habituated ourselves to always move away from that nothing happening, and therefore this fear-based karmic momentum which is always driving you to do something —to move, to act— always in the next moment, never present is very, very strong. We're really talking about cutting suffering at the root. And the root is that you learn to stay present. And in doing so, you're going to have to contact the unpleasantness, the short-term unpleasantness, of uneasiness, restlessness, feeling of uneasiness, shakiness. Trungpa Rinpoche used the phrase the genuine heart of sadness.
Learning to stay with the tenderness of that moment. When you feel the hardness of fear, or hardness of anger, or hardness of aversion, realize that that is a place which is a hard covering over the tenderness or the warmth of the bodhichitta, of the bodhi heart. So it's there in the hardest of places, it's always there. Learning to stay present —that's what I said at the end of the talk last week— it's like being willing to endure the short term pain of an injection in order to be free of the disease altogether. Definitely, we have to go through something.
But, think of it differently, think of it as resting with bodhichitta, or shaky tenderness was another way Trungpa Rinpoche referred to it —it's a shaky, tender place. He gave it a name which had a kind of heart quality to it, instead of calling it anxiety or fear, he called it shaky tenderness. You see? It helps actually to rephrase these things in your mind in a positive slant on something that doesn't feel all that good. So, here [in verse twenty-five] we have the phrase that we do not wish our own true good, which is to say we're stuck in habituation.
On Tonglen:
Tonglen is a Tibetan word which means sending and taking. This practice originated in India and came to Tibet in the eleventh century. With the practice of Tonglen, we work directly with our habitual tendency to avoid suffering and attach ourselves to pleasure. Using this powerful and highly effective practice, we learn to embrace our life experiences with more openness, compassion, inclusiveness, and understanding, rather than denial, aversion, and resistance. When we encounter fear, pain, hurt, anger, jealousy, loneliness, or suffering, be it our own or others, we breathe in with the desire to completely embrace this experience; to feel it, accept it, and own it, free of any resistance.
In this way of practice, in this way of being, we transform our tendency to close down and shut out life's unpleasant experiences. In accordance with Buddha's First Noble Truth, we acknowledge, touch, and embrace our personal and collective suffering. We do not run away. We do not turn the other way. Touching and understanding suffering is the first step toward true transformation. Rather than avoiding suffering, we develop a more tolerant and compassionate relationship with it. We learn to meet and embrace reality—naked, open, and fearless.
Although the idea of developing a relationship with suffering may sound somewhat morbid, we must remember the teachings of the Second and Third Noble Truths as well: when we touch and embrace suffering, we can finally understand what causes it. When we understand the cause of suffering, we can eliminate it and be liberated. There is an end to suffering, however, we must learn how to meet it in a new way. Tonglen practice can help us accomplish this shift of awareness, this training of the mind.
A New Way to Embrace Our Life Experience
It is obvious that Tonglen practice is completely contrary to the ways in which we usually hold our personality (ego) together. Each of us have our defensive ego strategies for coping with the pain, hurt, disappointment, and suffering we encounter in life. We armor, protect, and separate ourselves from our inner and outer experiences in numerous ways that we are not even conscious of. In truth, Tonglen practice does indeed go against our habitual tendency of always wanting things to be pleasant, of wanting life on our own terms, of wanting everything to work out for ourselves no matter what happens to others. This practice dissolves and transforms the armor of our self-protection; the psychological strategies and defenses we create to keep ourselves separate from our own suffering and the suffering we encounter in the world. Tonglen practice gradually wears away our habitual grasping at a false sense of self (self-grasping/ego fixation/identification with the personality).
Tonglen effectively reverses our usual pattern of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure. In this process, we finally liberate ourselves from a very ancient prison of selfishness. With this radical shift of awareness, this new way of embracing our life experience, our heart becomes more tender, open, sensitive, and aware. We naturally feel more alive; more loving and caring, both for ourselves and others. By practicing Tonglen, we connect with a less defended and more open, spacious dimension of our being. The all-embracing compassion of our true nature begins to shine through and we are introduced to a far more intimate and grander view of reality. With this sublime heart of love, liberated from attachment, aversion, and indifference, we gradually recognize and feel the absolute interdependence and preciousness of all living beings. This is true intimacy with life. This is the cultivation of bodhicitta—the awakened heart of compassion and wisdom.
Another Excellent Form of Tonglen
Clearly imagine a situation where you have acted badly, one about which you feel shameful or guilty, and which may be difficult to even think about. Then, as you breathe in, opening your heart, accept total responsibility for your actions in that particular situation. Do not judge or try to justify your behavior. Simply acknowledge exactly what you have done wrong and wholeheartedly ask for forgiveness. Now, as you breathe out, send the compassionate radiance of reconciliation, forgiveness, harmony, healing, and understanding. Breathe in the pain and the blame, and breathe out the undoing of harm. Breathe in taking full responsibility, breathe out the compassionate radiance of healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation. This exercise is especially powerful. It may give you the courage to go see the person(s) whom you have wronged and the strength and willingness to talk to them directly and actually ask for forgiveness from the depths of your heart.
from Pema Chodron: In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.
In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.
Pluto is a big puppy...
Current mood: grateful
Category: Life
Pluto was always my favorite Disney character....i saw a Pluto watch in New York -- his front paw and tail were the arms that moved around the clockface. i didn't have the money for it then but have wanted one ever since!! if you find one, would you please buy it for me?
This post isn't for people who balk at astrology. But for those of you who take scientific astrology seriously, Pluto is the Walden Pond of the soul. I've got 2 major Pluto transits moving through my stars right now...they are long, slow transits...followed by 2 transits of Chiron (the healer) to my natal Venus (more on that later;). Co-occurring with these is transiting Neptune to natal Venus, which brings real potential for soul union, either with another person or with the divine......what a blessed combination (ha)! FYI:
How Pluto affects our lives depends very much on whether we resist its influences or we try to work with the planet of rebirth and destiny.
Whatever part of our lives and of our psyches that Pluto touches, especially by hard transit, is an area that Pluto compels us to explore more deeply. Superficiality is not acceptable for Pluto. Pluto transits insist that we get in touch with our core purpose and our deep sense of power. New levels of intimacy, not only with others but also with ourselves, are discovered and uncovered.
Transiting Pluto brings intensity and focus to our lives. Pluto breaks through illusions, in search of the utter truth. These are not Saturn truths, when we see things for what they are in a mundane or material sense. Pluto probes much deeper, shining light on our darkness. Transiting Pluto offers us the chance to evolve and to rebirth. Pluto acts to strip away what is unnecessary or superficial in our lives. Pluto wants deep experience, of the transformational kind. Things that are not working for us, whether they are thought processes or lifestyles, undergo a transformation. Pluto transits bring about rebirths of sorts in the areas of life affected. Pluto transits are about letting go of things that are holding us back from deep and meaningful experience.
Fear—sometimes intense fear—can reveal itself at the beginning of a challenging Pluto transit. We confront our "dark" side—those parts of us that are raw, primal, and instinctive. Resisting this process can cause us to externalize or project these parts of ourselves. If we do this, Pluto's energy has to go somewhere, so we end up meeting Pluto in our lives in the guise of events and people. If we are attracting jealous, manipulative, and controlling people or situations, we can ask ourselves why this is happening. Is there something in ourselves that is provoking this kind of behavior or circumstance?
Although transiting Pluto is often associated with such things as separation and deaths, it is important to note that Pluto's action is to revolutionize parts of ourselves, and events that take place at this time can just as easily be new relationships, births, and new beginnings in general.
I've got transiting Pluto conjunct natal sun and trine natal uranus. The sun represents ego identity and uranus shows individuality, uniqueness, originality, and all things unconventional. Conjuncts are hard, strong, direct relationships that sometimes shake things up, while trines are softer, more harmonious aspects.
Pluto transits to the Sun challenge us to face up to unexpressed or poorly expressed traits of our Sun sign, house, and aspects. We discover our own power and strength, and we re-work our very sense of identity, which invariably affects our life path. How we have defined ourselves to date is now challenged. In some cases, women live this transit through key male figures in their lives. These transits force us to confront our will, power, assertion, and authority. Sometimes, the relationship with the father or other important male figures come into focus. We face the need to be more independent, assertive, and autonomous. Perhaps most importantly, Pluto transiting our Sun puts us face to face with exactly what it is that has been holding us back from living life more fully and meaningfully.
Transiting Pluto Conjunct Sun --
~During this time, you will have to face up to the real, inner you - the person you were meant to be and not the person you were taught to be. For years you may have avoided "gut" personal issues, ignored what you wanted and concentrated on what you thought others expected of you. But no more! Your strongest desire at this time might be to make a totally new start - change homes or even towns, divorce your marriage partner and in extreme cases refuse custody of your children. Conditions you have tolerated in the past, even though they may have caused you pain or unhappiness, are now swept aside. Realizing your potential will become your primary goal. Depending on how frustrating your life has been, the changes coming your way can undermine the very foundations of your security. Pluto brings about drastic, revolutionary changes, but ones which are necessary to halt the process of stagnation and instigate continued growth. These changes cannot be resisted entirely, although your tendency might be to desperately cling to the status quo. One of the lessons you will learn is that change is necessary - all things which have lapsed into a cult routine or become meaningless will be cleared away to make room for more progressive attitudes and creative activities.
This transit of the Sun brings about the need to understand yourself on a deep, inner level, much deeper than the image you normally show to the world. There is also a need to get to root causes. Exactly why do I act in this way? Why am I afraid ? Who am I really? These questions, and more, must now be answered. During this time, you can put together the pieces of the puzzle of your life. Psycho-analysis, consciousness-raising groups, meditation and introspection can help you to achieve deeper self-understanding, which will lead to greater self control and greater utilization of your potentials.
Last week i was really in the grip of this stuff and felt its affect physically, like i was beng turned inside out. i am so grateful to have learned, through the use of aya, how to surrender to these currents and learn from them. it's taught me how to pray in a direct way, how to be humble and grateful for the healing lessons of change....the whole notion of transformation, transmutation, alchemy or bodhichitta rests on embracing core change, of letting go and not remaining fixed in ideas about Self or other. and it's so much harder than it sounds...sometimes literally feeling like death...which brings deepening compassion.
in the material plane, massage 'business' is going really well...i've paid my bills and registered for FT classes in spite of my original reluctance to do that. truth is, i wanna graduate and begin a new life. the weather is warming. there are a family of robins nested in our backyard and i learned that this area is normally outside their range. i love listening to them in the morning...songbirds are soooo beautiful.
santa barbara misty mountain magic i miss you and love you very much. hugs and blessings to marcelino, kristen, tony, brian, cheryl, ishmiel, patra, glenn, sonny, michael, john, the bluffs, cranes feeding in the marshgrass, your sweet air and soft winds...kiss the clary sage and chaparral for me.
i start volunteering for hospice momentarily. my health is good and will get better. now if i can just find the boy for the girl...i need some pampering and someone to tease...
in the morning i pray, drink tea, and read....
Current mood: distractable
Category: Religion and Philosophy
from, "If You Don't Believe in Yourself, You Can't Believe in God", by Tijn Touber| April 2004 issue, Ode Magazine.
The first thing I ask is how he can be a Hindu and a Christian at the same time. Isn't it difficult to bring conflicting ideas about God and the creation together to form a whole? He regards me with amusement. 'Why would you join them together into a whole?' he asks. 'Wouldn't that be rather a pity? The nature of our worldly reality is dualistic. There will always be differences, contrasts and friction. Underneath or behind all this there lies a common field. We must allow the differences to exist and learn to look beyond them. You can learn to live in different levels of reality at the same time.'
Panikkar is the living proof of this. He has learned to live with the differences, but he knows that global society has not yet reached this stage and that conflicting schools of thought can have serious consequences, such as religious wars. 'The world needs to change drastically,' he says. 'Reformations imposed by authorities will not work. The age of rules, dogmas and decrees is over because they simply highlight the differences. Nor will revolution have any effect. The time has come for transformation.'
Panikkar believes that the key to this transformation is acceptance. By accepting something, you put an end to inner conflict, and resistance will then change into surrendering to what happens in life. According to Panikkar this acceptance – which is the first step towards transformation – is a female characteristic, and modern civilization needs more of it. His smile is mischievous: 'We need to have more sexual intercourse – a new marriage between male and female values.'
Is this the proverbial quantum leap in consciousness which many philosophers refer to? 'The quantum leap is too mathematical, too quantitative for me,' says Panikkar. 'What we need is a quality leap. We must find a completely new way of thinking. This is more than simply changing your ideas. It goes even further than changing your mentality. Transformation means transcending the mind – that is, bypassing our rational way of thinking, where contrasts are born. You are no longer guided by your intelligence alone, but you also listen to your heart.'
Panikkar explains that it is only possible to transcend the mind if you realize you are more than your own mind. 'We must overcome the fatal division between knowledge and love,' he says. 'If you go beyond thought, you come into contact with another voice. It is often referred to as "the heart," but I prefer to speak of "the pure heart." When you listen to it, you are able to accept everyone and everything. You understand that we are only a part of a wonderful game. Anyone who lives like this makes an optimal contribution to the beauty and happiness of the planet – or, if you prefer, to the whole universe.'
Raimon Panikkar looks forward to this earthly paradise, but I wonder if a good marriage between head and heart is really enough for us to realize this goal. Isn't disarmament a far more practical and tangible plan? But for Panikkar, there can never be a military disarmament unless it is preceded by a cultural disarmament. 'If we continue to be inflexible and cling to cultural differences, everyone will constantly feel threatened and the need for military defense will continue to exist,' he says. 'Cultural disarmament means a willingness to accept that differences are a part of the game.'
Panikkar sees religion as an important cultural weapon. 'Religions are languages,' he says. 'We can use language to communicate with one another or to wound each other. Many people use language mainly to convince the other person – to win. Others are only prepared to think in their own language and through lack of communication with outsiders impoverish themselves. However, you can also use language to have a real conversation, a dialogue, when you use words to get through to the common spirit.' Accordingly, he is closely associated with the Parliament of the World's Religions, an international interreligious organization. 'It is very important for religions to meet and listen to one another,' he says. 'By listening, we learn to speak one another's language. We must try not to distance ourselves from anything or anyone.'
He is silent for a moment and then adds, 'Not even from Satan. He is our best ally. He is the first of God's creatures, the most intelligent of all.' With a wicked grin, he quotes from Goethe's Faust: 'Von Zeit zu Zeit les' ich den Alten gern'. The message is clear: Panikkar is not afraid of the devil in any form, including in himself. Instead of rejecting the satanic side of his own character, he fully embraces it and transforms it into an ally. 'Devils only operate in the dark,' he says. 'They are not a threat to people who allow light to touch every part of their soul. It is not the 'devil' but fear of the satanic and clinging to a particular 'truth' that makes devils of us.'
The tendency of religions, especially those that are monotheistic, to place one truth above all others is 'a time bomb,' says Panikkar. 'By reducing everything and propagating it as the ultimate truth, these institutions become narrow-minded bastions of totalitarianism. When I call out that my God is Absolute, other people are overwhelmed and shut themselves away.'
In the West, Panikkar says, 'this separatist way of thinking is taken to an extreme. Don't we love classifications! We have become brilliant at it! We want to define religions, divide them and put them into neat squares, so we label each other as Muslim, Hindu, Jew, or Christian, but this classification creates a clash. If instead we learn to speak each other's language, we learn to listen to one another. I can only listen to you if I feel sympathy for you. I must like you, trust you and respect you. I must be prepared to enter into your view of the world. A listening attitude – and this is also female – is born of the realization that you cannot have all the answers.'
He falls silent for a while and appears to look right through me to a time in the future. And then, almost beseechingly, he says, 'Only in this way – through listening – can we achieve world peace. It is not something you can impose, even with the best intentions. You cannot enforce peace. You have to be truly willing to meet and embrace the other person with your whole being.'
Nevertheless, many people appear to have their hands full just coping with themselves. They do not seem able to receive another person with open arms. Even in 'enlightened' circles, where people are consciously involved with spiritual growth, there is often an excessive focus on 'I': my process, my life, my desires. 'I have an idea that the West brought a curse upon itself with the advent of individualism,' Panikkar says. 'The "I" has been blown up out of all proportions. We use all our strength to enlighten our ego, but that is a disastrous path to follow because there is no such thing as the ego. The ego is an illusion.'
Silently he peers through the window and then continues, almost whispering. 'Those who think they have no need of God or other people will destroy themselves. Those who look beyond themselves will realize that we are only a part of a larger whole. The wider your field of vision, the more you encompass. A mahatma [great spirit, ed.] encompasses the whole universe. We are not separate; everything is linked. Everything is related. If I do not believe in myself, I cannot believe in anyone else. If I do not believe in myself, I cannot believe in God.'
Panikkar formulates his words carefully. Every word is sampled and savored. He loves words and takes his time finding the one he needs to express precisely what he is feeling at that moment. In his presence words become a little sacred. Every now and then he releases a balloon of thought. It rises and hangs in the air while he leans back to observe it. Sometimes his pronouncements hang somewhat uncomfortably in the air. What does he mean by that, I think to myself. Is there something I have not understood? But when I allow the balloon to float and sink in, I find myself thinking that the process of thinking can be more important than the final answer. My thoughts briefly touch on Krishnamurti, who often allowed a space for thought during a recital. Once, during one of these thought spaces, an overzealous student sprang to his feet with 'the answer.' Krishnamurti's face twisted as he replied, 'You killed it.'
We allow ourselves too little time for introspection, says Panikkar. 'We tend to leave the answers to difficult questions about life to the "experts,"' he explains. 'But any answer can only help us if we fathom it ourselves. This takes reflection and quiet.' Panikkar's prayers begin with stillness, with seeking the emptiness in which he can receive. 'My prayer is simple; it is like breathing. It is like life itself. I am conscious that I am alive. I open myself and become still. As the Buddhists say, to be still you have to still your desires. You have to purify yourself. I call that self-cultivation. God has given me everything, but I have to cultivate it.'
Self-cultivation finally leads to what Panikkar calls 'true faith.' He explains: 'Faith is an existential openness to the mystery, to the unknown, to silence. It is acknowledging that you do not know all the answers, let alone the questions. It is discovering that you are an unfinished being. Unfinished is very close to infinite, without end.'
In order to express their faith, people clothe it in all sorts of concepts and symbols and with the language available to us on the basis of our culture, which in turn gives rise to systems of faith. 'Belief is the intellectual articulation of the mystery we call faith,' says Panikkar. 'Faith lies at the center of every religion. At this level there are no contradictions, simply because there are no dictions – that is, no words. In the mystic dimension there are no contrasts. We have lost sight of the spiritual dimension of reality and because of this we have no mystic security. We allow ourselves to be ruled by reason, while in fact we are driven by something else: the spirit. We are driven by passion, love and hate. This is quite different from reason. And far more dangerous. These forces need careful cultivation.'
Outside it is starting to get dark. In the mountains we hear the sound of bells as a flock of sheep make their way home to a warm stable. In this village they have probably not noticed, but out there in the world large groups of people have turned their backs on the church in the last few decades. In part, this is because of a liturgy that is sometimes difficult to understand and short-sighted answers from Rome to serious questions concerning life. But many are also disappointed in God. After all, if he is really so almighty, how can he tolerate all this misery? But as far as Panikkar is concerned, a God like this has never existed. 'It is about time we stopped believing in such a rudimentary God,' he says. 'It makes belief impossible. This is also why I am not a monotheist. We ourselves are part of what is divine. We are divine. You don't have to be a Hindu to claim this. The whole Christian mystery is about just one thing: God who became man in order to make him a god.'
It is for this reason that Panikkar distinguishes between Christ and Jesus. 'The Christians do not have a monopoly on Christ,' he says. 'Christ is the mystery we are all seeking. Christ is the mystery of the alpha and the omega. Jesus was a human being through whom the mystery was able to express itself. I myself was brought to the mystery of Christ through Jesus. But please, let us not reduce and limit Christ to Jesus.'
The idea that the way to God lies only through Jesus is just one of the simplistic, absolutist dogmas the church has dished up for hundreds of years, says Panikkar. The strict division between good and evil and the fixation on sin has created fear and dependence. If we 'sinful and insignificant creatures' do wrong, we can only acquire forgiveness by confessing to a clergyman in the same institution that instilled fear in us in the first place – a perfect, diabolical circle.
Panikkar sighs. 'Christianity has paid a high price for this sort of banality,' he says. 'The system of confession is based on false compassion to make the sin bearable – for a so-called good cause, and to reduce suffering. I can fully understand that intelligent people cannot bear to put up with this sort of circularity and turn their backs on the church. The liturgy is separate from life, which is serious. My hope is focused on a cross-pollination of religions, because we need one another. Nobody has a monopoly on anything whatsoever.'
The great affinity Panikkar feels with Jesus expresses itself in his desire to draw everyone into his heart, without exception. Like Jesus, he is a man among men – in the world, but not of the world. 'Bearing the burden of mankind humbles one,' he says. 'It is a sobering experience and is good for you. Otherwise you think, "I am a priest, I am pure, I am superior." Please, no! We are all in the same boat – all a part of this sinful mankind. I know that sin is a reality, but it is not the highest reality. Feeling guilty or sinful is pointless and an escape. Instead of feeling sinful, we should accept responsibility for things that actually happen, like Auschwitz and Guantanamo Bay.'
Despite his great concern, Panikkar is an optimist, for increasingly, his experience isthat the kingdom of God is truly in us. 'Over the years I have come to understand more and more what this means,' he says. 'The Greek word entos can be translated in three different ways. First, the kingdom of God is within you. This concept has resulted in a focus on what is egocentric. Second, the kingdom of God is among you. This has resulted in crusades and wars aimed at actually establishing this kingdom on earth. Third, the kingdom of God is between you. This means developing relationships, being open, being involved. Not shutting yourself away – not acting as if you are pure. Between you means love and friendship – being with a group of friends, if you like, and sharing the joy of being together.'
Despite Panikkar's passionate plea for the integration of head and heart, his hope lies mainly with the thinkers or philosopher-priests who rule the world – albeit with a delay of two to three generations, which society needs to embrace and integrate new ideas. 'Philosophers create the patterns of thought on the basis of which society will evolve further,' he says. 'All you need is patience. As Hegel said, truth can wait. There is no need to hurry. Don't worry or make a fuss. You don't have to prove the truth. You only have to live it.'
This final balloon of thought continues to hover for a while in the air between us. Then he leans back and offers me a final bit of advice: 'Be honest with yourself, believe in yourself and love yourself as much as possible. Then you will live in peace. Peace spreads all on its own; you don't need to do a thing. Every action is colored by it. That is the karma of the saints and creates human solidarity. If I am able to make my life a little work of art, then I make the whole universe beautiful. This is how simple and how difficult it is.'
in love with the solid ground..........
Current mood: chipper
Category: Life
from Mark Whitwell's Yoga of Heart --
re the Dalai Lama, "Although he represents an institution, this role is transcended in his kindhearted regard of everyone. However, if he did not have a public role, clothes and signs, would the Dalai Lama be broadly recognized in his impeccable, ordinary persona as the weighty teacher he is?..........Imagine what it would be like to hang out with His Holiness as a personal friend?............."
"We may be overlooking something here. Take the personal relationships we all have. Why not give the same weight to these and feel their substantial implications? Why not receive from each other the full implications of being alive? Everyone is the fullness of life present to each other as the miracle of life in front of our eyes. When we institutionalize greatness -- give it banners, formality and distance -- we are shielded from its weight. Doctrine abstracts and hides the truth, which stares us in the face..........."
"Sex and survival, the feeding and comfort of every single person and creature on the planet, in the bounty that nature has provided, is a full and sufficient life. We open our eyes and fall in love with the solid ground."
Remembering...
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life
Remembering that every experience has a biochemical component, as well as a spiritual one.......in other words, there is Diet...there is Hormones....and there is Sun, Moon and Stars....:) Moods, thoughts and feelings can be so elusive at times, passing through, passing through. I am the Sky Mother, I am the Sky.
I remember the courage of loving. I remember the gift of giving. I remember that God is within me, that we are S/He. I remember the promise of Life. I remember that I am good. I remember that we are all divine.
The shadow of last week passed...and it could be as simple as a cycle of the moon :) Massage business has been good. I have at least 10 returning clients at this time, maybe more. I am grateful for this work.
Yesterday was a funny day with objects: I spilled quinoa all over my kitchen floor (them tiny granules love to roll:), splintered a wooden spatula in a blender, broke my tea press pot, jammed the garbage disposal with a measuring teaspoon, and totally fucked up my iPod/iTunes. But the red wine and chocolate tofu pudding were great :)
the sky, them clouds, and stinky ole dogs
Current mood: moody
Category: Life
the Self-Realization Fellowship people have this really beautiful chant that they sing during their kirtan meditations...it goes, "I am the Sky Mother, I am the Sky (repeats), I am a Little Piece of the Sky, I am a Vast Ocean of Sky, Frozen Sky"......the melody is beautiful, and I think of it often when clouds of mood and opinion hang out a little longer than I'd like them to....
it's really funny (or tragic, depending on how you look at it;) how stories change...just the other week I stopped to notice that things have been really *good* for a few months or more...like, solidly (haha) *good*. I was telling friends and family a new story about how secure, comfortable, and grounded I felt, "at home" now in San Diego, confident, trusting, and at peace with myself. Finally, finally...home at last. Now onward and upward ho.....
now imagine that story is a pair of comfy new shoes...pick your brand. i like hush puppies...or a new pair of Thugs or Converse Allstars.
one morning last week I woke up with the distinct sensation of a big wet smelly old dog shlepping me in the face...she had bad dog breath and a slimy old tongue...affectionate in a familiar, playful way but very very stinky. She was standing on my stomach, wagging her tail and drooling on me, as if to say, "Hey! Didn't you miss me? I'm back!! Pay attention to me! I wanna play and make everything smell bad!"
The dog, of course, was the return of my old stories of insecurity, self-judgment, undesirability, and all-around general patheticness. And guess what she had been chomping on, which now lay in shreds at the bottom of my bed?
This happens sometimes. And when it does, I find myself wondering: If I really am the Sky, and all of this funk is just a system of clouds passing through, who am I really? How do I counsel clients who are struggling to know who they are? Do I tell them that they are really like the Sky, and that all of these things which mean the world to them, these ideas that make up the rich fabric of their subjective experience, are just passing clouds? Do I tell them what - in my experience - seems to be the truth, or do I support them in cultivating comforting lies? AND, does it matter?
These are the sorts of things I've been contemplating...while trying to maintain a sense of gratitude, balance and humor amidst it all..........psychotherapy and the study of weather...skies of winter, familiar seasons and the effects of global warming.
a beautiful request...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life
last night a housemate asked to "talk with me privately when i had a moment"........memories of attack and persecution flooded my memory, leaving me wondering "uh-oh, what did i do?". but it was nothing like that.
she's a single white woman in her forties who, like me, never had a consistently clear direction in life and now faces the reality of having to build a career or vocation and carry herself into an unknown future. like me, she had no mentors in her family to instill confidence or an inner compass to guide her....instead, she learns as she goes along from her own mistakes, and feels alot of anxiety about making a commitment to enter the field of teaching....because soon her resources run out and she has to do something.
so she's under the gun of an impending credentialing process, feels a universe of uncertainty and a good deal of resentment for having to make this choice, and she asks me - in a shy but very serious voice - how to cry.
i was really touched by this....no one's ever asked me how to cry, and suddenly, i felt an odd satisfaction at being somewhat of an expert. how to midwife a cry? i had to think about it...there are so many different ways to cry. sometimes it comes on its own force, but she was asking how to welcome it in. so, to the best of my ability, i described to her how i've done that when i felt the weight of emotion on my chest. i think it's basically a tender act of surrender and opening.
we talked more about our lives, our situations, the insanity of the world we live in, and the sorrows and fears of being a single woman in these times.....it's a hard road. and we all have the bag lady nightmare. i began to wonder how many there are like us, and how they're making it (or not)......how to be of service in the world, and not cave to the huge hidden grief....at losing the way of life that allowed us to be women, mothers, and grandmothers.....connected and whole. sure i romanticize, but i believe there's alot of truth in this. men and women have lost something -- have given over something -- very dear to this machine....
is there any wonder about the surging interest in "soul loss"? i want life with Soul.
my love affair with life.....
Current mood: content
Category: Life
Last night a housemate and I walked through Balboa Park as the full moon rose behind the Tower of Man...interesting dichotomy, no? -- the round, full, cosmic feminine principle of the Moon (as she enters Cancer nonetheless) rising to illuminate a lineal, erect architectural momument to the 'civilizing' influences of colonial man. And as I held this beautiful space of the walk, I felt truly at home for the first time in San Diego. Maybe it was the force of the moon resonating with my own (I have moon in Cancer), but the month has left me feeling very different about the city I'm living in, the spiritual and material work I am doing here, and the rightness of following path.
It was only a month or more ago that I said to a friend: "I am a visitor to San Diego." And I still believe that, though not in the same spirit I uttered it. Before, I was still in a place of slight resistance to the culture and energies of this place. My heart's opened more since then, allowing me a wider field of vision for what I can do here. I like this, and now feel comfort with knowing that some time will be spent here...that I can really be 'at home' in this place for as long as I desire to be...continuing in my psych and bodywork practices...and more.
I'm grateful for the space I have to study on my own. Maybe I don't need so many teachers beyond my own curiosity. I spent this morning, like many mornings, studying astrology more in depth (and learning so much! it's so fascinating) and researching tantric approaches to psycho-spiritual enfolding...not the sexualized tantra people usually think of, but an ancient art of awakening the inner flame through gazing and joint meditation. It's called "shaktipat", the reality of mutual influence, and it's a very subtle, alchemical process that can effect transformative shifts in a person's soul.
Shaktipat suggests that to attain full enlightenment you have to contact and release the energy of your heart chakra, which for Tantristas is the core center, the deepest core of being, the deepest level of your consciousness...the place where you store the fears, hatreds and angers of many lifetimes. Tantristas say that only the energy generated through the shaktipat of union has the power to blast through ego residue from centuries of dukkha, to dissolve the layers of hatred and fear around the heart. This is something I want to experience more of, and bring into my healing practice...with myself and with others. Aya has helped, and my contact with Tantric bodyworkers.
One of the things I appreciate most about Tibetan and Nepalese Tantra, is its reverance for female deities. From Miranda Shaw's book, Passionate Enlightenment: Women in Tantric Buddhism (1994):
My female messengers are everywhere; They bestow all the spiritual attainments By gazing, touching, kissing and embracing. The most excellent place for the yogis is Wherever all the magical powers will be attained By all those blissful ones.
And I realize - again - that my spiritual orientation is tantric, and has been for the many years since 1993, or forever...My draw to Jesus as a spiritual Master, Healer and Protector in the astral realms is anchored in his path of devotional love..."Bhakti" in the yogic traditions. I love this union -- this meeting of cultural ideas around the ineffable -- and want to ground every healing art I practice in it. I always saw JC as a lover, and I am forever convinced. It's too bad so many Christians still focus on the earth-bound side of suffering (which I read as "ego illusion" or dukkha), rather than the divine communion on the other side of it.
So fortunate, I am, to be in this space of time where I at last feel rooted in my self, appreciate the unique constellations of Sun/Moon/Stars that make me who I am in this world, and to have a spiritual path that gives me strength and appreciation for the ongoing mystery of this life...Praise. and much Peace.
blissful
pure
blessed
calm
peaceful
grateful
distractable
chipper
moody
hopeful
contemplative
content
