Comedian Keith Ruff at the Angry Bull in Port Huron this Saturday....be there!!!
Comedian Keith Ruff headlines the Angry Bull Steakhouse & Sports Bar this Saturday, May 3rd, at 10 p.m. Keith show is fast paced and hilarious. Keith has traveled the continent as an opening act for major entertainers, headlined comedy clubs and performed on major cruise lines. Don't miss this one!
The Angry Bull is quickly proving to be a great place for good food and big laughs. Make reservations early, this should be another sell out. Click here for more details.
Just checking in with a couple of thoughts about things in the news:
The Pope came to the U.S. last week and had quite an extensive public relations tour and press junket. Maybe they're gonna come out with a new book (that first one has been around for over 2,000 years).
He even had an audience with three of the children (now grown) who were sexually abused by the clergy. Even though the church was responsible (or should be) for countless cases of sexual and emotional abuse, these three got their day in the spotlight.
Apparently, they got to have a no-holds-barred conference with the Pontiff, instead of the normally formal procedures you must follow at most audiences with the Pope.
No fair!
I spent eight years at a Catholic school, went to mass six days a week (I have fulfilled my requirement for a lifetime and have a some left over if anyone needs them), I had a gazillion interactions with clergy on a regular basis...and not once...NOT ONCE....DID ANYONE EVERY TRY TO MOLEST, SEDUCE OR ABUSE ME!
What??? Is something wrong with me? I was a cute kid (I know: "What happened?") Do you know how this adversley affected my self-esteem? Do you know how much more successful I would have been (okay, maybe successful at all) if only I were approached with ill-intent by a church member as I child? Exactly!
So, I'm thinking that perhaps I have a lawsuit against the Catholic Church as well.
Hurry, before it sells out! Comedy Sat. in Port Huron
The March comedy show at the Angry Bull in Port Huron was sold out. This coming Saturday features a great show with headliner Jimmy Rascal with special guest Mike Malec. Call 810.996.9098 for reservations or visit the Angry Bull web site for more details.
I saw a commercial on TV that stated: "Jeopardy...now in HD!" What the hell do you need Jeopardy in high def for? I expected the broadcaster to then say, "For more information, visit whogivesashit.com."
I’m semi-officially in a band called "The World’s Shittiest Band". Our motto is: We Hate People. Without Them, We’re Everything! We had an impromptu jam session last Saturday and drummer Sy Smatters (yes it does) posed an interesting question: What is the world’s worse job? His thought was: Assistant Crack Whore. Wow! Crack Whore is bad enough, but assistant to a crack whore, now that’s an awful job.
I once read in Time Magazine’s science section that the average foot excretes a half-pint of sweat every day. I always thought that the job of measuring foot sweat would be a pretty lousy job too.
Let me know any crappy jobs you can think of.
When you shoot a snot-rocket (holding one nostril closed and blasting the nasal contents directly to the ground or elsewhere), you are actually helping the environment because you aren’t wasting tissue paper.
I think that’s what Elvis was doing when he’d walk to each end of the stage and make his little bow. And those loving fans thought that was sweat.
Here are some tips on alienating and pissing off visitors to your MySpace page:
1) Download every free layout that you can find and combine them all to clutter your page so it’s almost impossible to look at.
2) Annoy people by forcing them listen to whatever crap music you’re into. This is especially good if you also have video on the page and your goddam music plays in the background so you can’t even hear the audio on the video.
3) Pick a font that is the same color as the stupid background you chose so you can’t even read the text on the page.
4) Make sure the page is really wide so you have to scroll over to even see anything (though it’s probably not worth looking at).
5) Move everything around so that visitors can’t locate the common things found on every MySpace page like Add Friend.
I’m sure there are many other annoying things that you can do to make your MySpace page unreadable. Any suggestions?
Wow! Gotta love Michigan weather. Fifty degrees one day, a near-death experience in a snowstorm the next.
I had a meeting last night in Madison Heights, Michigan. It's about 30 minutes from both my home and office...on a good day.
We met at a Panera Bread (one of my many branch offices across the country...free wireless and my rent is only the cost of a medium coffee) and finished up about 7:15 p.m. I knew a storm was supposed to be coming, but there was nothing happening when I had arrived at 6 p.m.
During the time we were inside Panera the storm started attacking. When I came out one side of my car needed snow removal. The nasty wind took care of the other side. I knew I had to take it easy heading home when my car was skidding a bit in the parking lot.
I motor-crawled my way on surface streets to I-696 (which has a non-posted minimum speed of 75 MPH in the slow lane) and it really didn't seem too bad on the expressway. Traffic was plugging along at about 35-45 MPH. I stayed in the right lane.
Then, as I approached Van Dyke Avenue, I could see that traffic ahead was essentially stopped. I slowed down, as did most sane, cautious people. Then, to my left, I heard a BANG! followed by another BANG! Two small pick-up trucks, not anticipating that traffic would stop so abruptly, applied their brakes and skidded into each other causing a minor, but annoying accident incident.
Then the fun began.
There were nothing but red taillights ahead, and except for the two dented pick-ups trying to work their way over to the side of the road to exchange insurance, info or maybe get into a fight, there was a big gap of no cars behind me.
I glanced back and saw two bigger pick-ups (probably with 4-wheel drive) soaring toward the sea of red. They were probably doing 45 or 50 MPH when the rest of us were doing zero. Simultaneously, the idiot drivers of both trucks realized that they needed to stop in a shorter space than was possible. On my left, these two trucks were spinning and spinning. Complete circles. At least six or seven spins per truck. My heart was pounding.
The trucks then began smacking into all of the cars who were smart enough (actually the cars weren't smart enough, the drivers were) to slow down prior to the snafu. Poor victims. The one big truck continued spinning and finally stopped directly in front of me, with his headlights facing me and shining right in my face.
I then nodded my head at him, and gave him a nice thumbs up for the great job he just did in fucking up a bunch of people's evenings (and perhaps their lives). Okay, I didn't really do that because I didn't know just how much of a nutcase this idiot was, but I thought about it.
The good news for me, with all this crashing and banging around me, I was untouched. My heart was pounding. I was amazed that nothing hit me.
In my immediate area I counted 11 cars that were definately hit. Less than a quarter mile ahead, I counted six more.
I putted past the mess and got off at the next exit, feeling lucky and REALLY not caring how long it took me to get home.
Just a quick note to drivers of 4-wheel drive vehicles: STOP BEING ASSHOLES! REMEMBER, WE DON'T ALL HAVE 4-WHEEL DRIVE VEHICLES.
I think I'm going to start writing a little booklet to distribute at car dealerships called: "You and Your SUV. How Not to be a Lick Knob".
The inaugural comedy night at the Angry Bull Steakhouse & Sports last Saturday night was a great success. I worked with the always hilarious Tim Rowlands and the place was packed.
It was even a little more special for me because a lot of friends and family members who live in that area came out. My cousin Sandi and her daughter Tonya showed up. Even though I'm technically an only child, my cousins Sandi and Ricky, along with my Aunt Betty, lived with us until the fourth or fifth grade. So, because it was like having a brother and sister, I learned to fight and blame and lie just like any other kid with siblings. (Ricky did it, mom!) I don't remember exactly what was in it for me, but Sandi always conned me into playing horsey on Saturday mornings right after the My Friend Flicka TV show was over. I was the horse. Sandi was (and is) a horse junkie. Wait! Not that kind of horse.
And, last Saturday was the first time my daughter ever saw my act. In my show I do a bit about my 13 month old daughter. She is now almost 19 (which means I've been doing that bit for 18 years...fuck, I'm old). Even though (technically) I could have a 13 month old daughter, some suggest that I re-write the bit and make it about my granddaughter. I DON'T HAVE A GRANDDAUGHTER! And, I have to mention my daughter's friend Loppy. Just because i think he'd like it if I mentioned him here. He's one of the two or three people who actually read this dribble.
And my niece Erica came out (with Rick), and my brother-in-law Carl (with Sherry). And, my lovely wife.
I hate these kinds of blogs. I feel like I'm accepting at the Academy Awards and I have to remember to thank everyone.
Oh yeah, and I'd like to thank Clearasil for helping me cover an unsightly zit on my chin.
In any event, the Angry Bull is going to have live Comedy the first Saturday of every month. If you're in that area, please come out. It's a great place with a great atmosphere and incredible food. Appearing on Saturday, April 5 at 9 p.m. will be headliner Jimmy Rascal along with feature act Connie Ettinger. Click here for more details.
I got thrown out of Sam’s Club for doing what they asked
I was in Sam's Club (one of those membership only stores that sells large quantities of a variety of stuff from produce and meats to gas grills and swimming pools). I especially like going there on the weekends, because they offer free samples of a lot of the food they sell (little taco thingys, mac and cheese, fruit juice, apple pie).
There was a big display over by the meat and seafood area which featured jumbo shrimp beautifully displayed on ice. The sign read: "Peel and Eat Shrimp". So, I did.
