I hope every one had a great Halloweeney. We rocked a roof top party with 200 people right off of 6th Ave. Those parade folk had nuthin on us. Unfortunately, we took our 1988 Spring Breaker costumes a little too seriously and had funneled about 12 beers, drank a full bottle of tequila (including the scorpion), as well as a bottle of jack, and countless jello shots prior to playing. Oh and did i mention the pot cookies. Spring Break rules!! I know in my mind it felt like i was playing at Red Rocks, except there was a ninja, pippi longstocking, and some harajuku girls in the front row. Not sure what everyone else thought of it, although i did notice someone fall through the skylight during our performance, and i can only take that as a form of applause. It was a weird trip man.
I would now like to direct your attention away from ninjas to a very very important announcement: we are playing a show this Saturday, November 10th at 7:30PM at The Lions Den with Reckless Sons. It is an all ages show, which means you only have to be 18 to get in. Now since Rat Bite likes to hang out at playgrounds we know there are a lot of you out there that always wanted to come to a Generals and Majors show but couldn't. Well, here's your chance. You must present vaild ID that says you are 18 are over before Jimmy will molest your tush.
Oh yeah...we are also having an after party at a loft down in the City Hall area. It will be 10 bucks to get in and open bar. There are also whispers of a further cover reduction if you present a stamp from the show. It is gonna be a sweaty dirty fun amazing sexy rock n roll party with potential for surprise sets, all star jams, sing alongs, and covers. Woo hoo!
here are the deets:
The Lions Den 7:30PM 214 Sullivan St. (at Bleecker)
The After Party 49 Ann Street btw William and Nassau Streets-3rd floor
Sorry I've been absent from the blogging world for so long, I've had writers block. Sue me.
Last Tuesday something truly amazing happened. No, Jared did not give birth to a bowevil. No Rich did not make someone's butthole quiver with a distorted low E. No Rat bite did not eat a microphone and then poop out sheet music. No I did not perform a home invasion. No Jimmy did not molest a tush...wait a minute, who am I kidding... Jimmy molested every tuchas in the building. The amazing thing i'm talking about is the fact that Generals & Majors played an acoustic show at the infamous and wet Lakeside Lounge. Despite the fact that the ceiling was pissing on us the entire show due to the downpour outside. Despite the threat of death by electrocution and the smell of raw sewage, we persevered and managed to make the folk/rock set melt with admiration and sexual desire. Personally, I think it was my bass playing and Jared's mandolin, but it could've been Derrick's awesome stache he has painstakingly grown in. With new arrangements and a new joie de vivre, and a sick sick cover of The Band's "The Weight", a new generation of Generals & Majors fans were born.
Now CMJ starts tomorrow, and let me tell you, if you've been missing rock, are anxious to hear some of the acoustic trax (we may play some at our CMJ show, ya never know), or have a longing to see derrick's sweaty nipples, you should most definitely come to our CMJ show on Friday, October 19th at Club Exit in Greenpoint.
Here's the info: CLUB EXIT 149 Greenpoint Avenue between McGuinness Boulevard & Manhattan Avenue easily accessible on the G Train to the Greenpoint Avenue Stop
We're playing with this British cult band named The Wildhearts. Insert Nicolas Cage/Laura Dern joke here.
We look forward to rocking your face off with our surprised acoustic set.
Thursday: The band buys 50 beers and has chugging contests while watching the movie Beerfest. The best two things about that movie are the following:
1. "I once saw Landfill shit an entire plum. I was plum surprised."
2. The Eye of The Jew
Friday & Saturday: Went to a woodland retreat and wrote two of the greatest anthems of all time. Had an all star music jam with the neighbors including renditions of "Folsom Prison Blues", "The Weight", "Ohio, "Heart of Gold", "Mother", and "Dead Roses". What can I say we were waxing nostalgic. We learned the following 2 things:
1. My mom thinks I'm fat
2. The Supreme Omelette Sandwich at Dunkin Donuts is really really fucking delicious.
Sunday: Went to the US Open dressed as Bjorn Bjorg. Six beers in, we were on the jumbo screen and the crowd went fucking nuts. Lessons learned:
1. Tennis fans are really uptight
2. Beer at the US Open is a fucking rip off
3. Never ever yell "Hey Henin, get off your knees you're blowing the game"
Monday: Watched a serious amount of trash tv, most notably the pickup artist. Now am obsessed with social psychology and social dynamics. Greatest line in the show:
Pickup Artist: "Did you know there is a study that says 93% of women masturbate in the shower? The other 7% sing."
Girls: "No I didn't know that."
Pickup Artist: "Do you know what they sing?"
Girls: "No."
Pickup Artist: "Oh, then you must be part of the group that masturbates."
Laughter ensues.
Friday: We are playing an amazing show at The Bowery Ballroom. In fact it is our Bowery debut. We are on at 8, so we need a crowd to show up early or it will be us in a big room sounding really really awesome with no one to enjoy it. Oh, and Jared is turning 30, so if you want to see a grown ass man kick and scream his way into adulthood come to the show. Wait, who are we kidding? Even at 30 Jared will still act like a child. Oh and Jimmy will molest your apple bottom.
I'd like to tell you a little story about our recent show in Coney Island, and it goes a little something like this:
On the way to Coney Island we were driven by a polite Indian fellow by the name of Mohammed. As we bantered about our favorite topics: shitting your pants, drinking, overflowing toilets, sex with fruit, farting, and masturbation; I was pretty sure at this point that Mohammed was going to flee back to India or self-immolate. To my chagrin, he found the whole thing quite hilarious and begged us to call him on our way back. Damn we are corruptive!
I forgot to mention that Mohammed let us stop at Burger King and pick up some much needed paper crowns. My head is so big that the crown cut off the circulation and made me pass out, but I'll be damned if someone else gets to be king. That crown is the greatest marketing tool ever, because when the 4 of us got to the boardwalk wearing those crowns, every jackass on the boardwalk could only say one thing as we passed... "Burger King". Wow you're a fucking genius, as if I didn't know that I had a burger king crown on my head. I hate obvious observational humor.
My discontent with being called Burger King every 5 seconds was interrupted by the craziest fight I have ever seen to date. Two gentleman burst through the line at Nathans, where I ended up getting a dog covered in pubes (Yum!), slapping each other in the back of the head. As they squared off, and I prepared to watch absolute carnage take place (jared was hiding behind one of our female companions), one of the guys grabbed two cans of soda from a nearby stand to launch as weapons. His fat ass opponent on the other hand grabbed a steel garbage can full of trash. Now keep in mind they were about 25 feet apart, so the fat guy launches the garbage can which flies approximately 3 feet. It was fucking hilarious. What a bitch fight. The Warriors it was not. Where were the whips and chains.
On another note the ocean was gross, as little babies with poopy diapers sat in their own mess, while their parents smoked blunts around them. Our show fucking rocked as we destroyed the stage with the likes an all female Motley Crue coverband appropriately titled Girls Girls Girls and Tragedy a metal tribute band to the Bee Gees. It was retardedly awesome, especially because a 95 year old bum wearing a Dale Earnhardt racing jacket did the most wicked cane dance ever. He was trying to impress the ladies, and impress them he did.
Now on to pressing business. We are playing yet again this Tuesday August 28th at Union Pool in Brooklyn. We are playing with Year Long Disaster (Volvom Records). Year Long is fronted by Dave Davies (The Kinks) son and sound like Sabbath. Do you need another reason to attend? Fine, Jimmy will molest your tush free of charge. We go on at 10PM sharp.
here is the addy:
484 Union Ave at Meeker Brooklyn, NY 11211-3440 Phone: (718) 609-0484
Please excuse my absence from this blog and pardon the feeble attempt my band mate made in the last blog. Some people think blogging is just jotting down random shit....well it is, but there is an art to it and I'm kinda like the sensei of blogging.
This week I will be discussing bachelor parties.
Apparently at some point in time the notion of having a bachelor party, essentially a celebratory goodbye to ones bachelorhood, came about. The basic tenets of this thing is that the groom and all his dudes go to some junky, whore filled, crack den, proceed to get blind drunk and then embarrass the shit out of the groom, culminating in him cavorting with a hooker. Basically you are trying to shove the next 50 years of bachelorhood into a few nights, which leaves the groom feeling so low that A)he has to take a shower like the dude in the Crying Game, scrubbing himself with a dirty loofa till his skin bleeds B)gets the "itchies" C)never wants to party again and just get married.
Well I went to my first bachelor party last weekend in Atlantic City. And let's just say it almost killed me. However, for the sake of all those involved I will not be discussing any details of this event. Instead I will talk about Atlantic City. Now I blogged a while back about Las Vegas and how it sucked, well believe it or not Atlantic City sucks more. Atlantic City sucks like fat girls give BJs...hard. In Vegas at least the hotel rooms are nice. In AC my room had burn marks and a chalk outline. My bathroom looked like a crime scene, and I'm sure if I ran a blacklight over my bed there would have been a topographical map of jizz and panty critters. In Vegas, at least you get to wake up with a massive hangover and look out the window and see beautiful desert and mountains. In AC, you get to wake up and look out onto a swamp and bedraggled boardwalk that looks like casting session for Hooker 1, Crack Whore 2, and low rent Gotti boy 3. In Vegas, strippers are hot and named Tiffany. In AC, strippers look inbred and are named Venom.
Basically, I'm never going back and I'm not having a bachelor party.
Now its time for me to be a total hypocrite and invite you to our show Saturday at Cha Cha's in Coney Island at 7PM. There are several reasons you should do this: 1.We're playing 2.They are tearing Coney Island down to build condos, so you will never see it again 3.We're playing with an all girls Motley Crue tribute band 4.You can play shoot the freak and no that does not mean you can shoot Jared on stage 5.Jimmy will molest you no matter what you look like 6.It will be oodles of fun
MAN OVERBOARD--BOWERY SHOW--CBS SPORTS--DONG RINGS
Current mood: busy
Firstoffims, we were just hand picked to open for Nashville Pussy on their sold out ROCKS OFF cruise next week. We are looking forward to a hard ass night of heavy drinking, puking and rocking (not necesarily in that order). If you are a die hard Generals fan and feel that you deserve to rock with us on the boat..send us an e-mail and we'll do our darndest to find an extra ticket somewhere. But if you come aboard, you have to promise not to fall off the boat. For real! I'm already up to my eye balls in lawsuits and legal shit...I don't need some hot shot "frat boy" or party "girl gone wild" adding to my already mounting legal nightmares.
NEXTLY (is that a word)
Anyone who happened to catch the WORLD SERIES OF VIDEO GAMES on CBS sports this weekend may have noticed that they prominantly featured our song LIT several time. I guess, nothing says nerds in wizard robes playing Guitar Hero and Final Fantasy part 9 quite like our sweet tunage? I don't know how this happened either.
Finalistly, we have a Bowery Ballroom show locked and ready to go for Sept 7th. Which will be my official 30th b-day bash...so if you want to see a man leave his 20's behind him in a mature dignified way...don't come to this...On the other hand if you would like to see a 30 year old get wasted and play some rock and then proceed to drink his weight in tequila while wearing a Cabo Wabo cut off tank top and Sammy hagar style Zubaz,,,then this is the event for you! Tickets go on sale soon...We'll make an announcement regarding this as it gets closer. We are opening for SATANICIDE at this one... These guys are NYC legends and have been known to put on the best metal show in the history of the world*.
(*may not be an actual fact)
HERE IS A CLIP OF US MELTING PANTIES AT A RECENT SHOW:
1) Is "The Boys are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy the best party song for a movie ever? You know the party montage that you sometimes see in movies, where "the boys" are doing crazy shit and getting loaded. I vote yes. There's just something about Phil Lennon's voice that makes you want to funnel a beer, do 1000 shots, and then shit in a mailbox. Trust me. Before you go see us play at The Annex tonight at 10:30PM, throw that song on yer stereo or your ipod, you'll be the one covered in sweat and beer, screaming and hollering at the front of the stage. I'll be looking out for ya.
2)I saw Harry Potter and the Order of The Phoenix over the weekend, and to be honest I was underwhelmed. I mean, I liked the first two where Harry was learning new tricks and shit and Hogwarts looked like the best day camp ever. Now he's just a petulant, conflicted, angry teenager and everyone's acting like it's some big fucking deal. Hey Harry, get over yourself! Every fucking 16 year old gets angsty. It ain't Voldermort, trust me. I thought the screenwriter should have added a part where Dumbledoor says "Harry all great wizards go through puberty. These feelings you're having are completely normal. Now get out of my chambers." They better straighten his ass out in the next one.
3)Tonight is a special night. First of all Ingmar Bergman and Tom Snyder died. These are two monumental losses. One was a macabre Swedish director who made amazing films, the other was a low rent TV host whose nasally boring voice provided hilarity for the masses as he tried to interview controversial people on his show. Anyone who ever stayed up passed Conan knows what I'm talking about, he was better than Tylenol PM. Anyway, in honor of these fallen heroes, Generals & Majors, my band, will be playing a kick ass motherfucking rock n roll show tonight. We are playing at the Annex which is on Orchard between Rivington and Stanton. We go on at 10:30PM. We will have our party hats on tonight, so come prepared. That means a down pillow, contraceptives, and a healthy liver.
I don't know what it is but I'm addicted to blogging now, getting your comments on my blog has heightened this addiction. It's like your adding a fresh rock of crack to my pipe, except not cuz your actually writing words that comment on other words that I wrote at an earlier juncture.
Okay now that we've established that I make ridiculous analogies, on to the business at hand. I saw the White Stripes last night at MSG. I had the most amazing seats ever. They were so good that Chris Rock was sitting in front of me. Yes, I did not stutter, it was Chris Rock. Not only was he wearing a red sweater in solidarity with the band, but he played air guitar throughout the entire show. He won major cool points with me for that. Not that he cares, but he did, so there. The White Stripes were glorious. Jack White = guitar genius. People, the man wailed on a mandolin and then proceeded to play the keyboard with the headstock of his guitar while playing a riff. I'm not gonna lie, a small amount of semen leaked from my urethra during that part. Meg sang her song with gusto, and dare I say this without objectifying women or sounding misogynistic but she has some major cans. I'd love to motorboat those things. Definitely built for comfort...er, sorry, I'm getting carried away here. Oh, and lastly I love the drunk friends you make on the beer line that open up to you about their arrest record, divorces, how they save up their beer money, and how Bob Dylan has shitty merch for sale at his shows. Hey Mr. scummy Drunk guy who was 45 and was missing teeth and reeked like old spice and was wearing the bob dylan t shirt, I'm sorry but I chuckled to myself when you told me that you were getting an MBA to get more drinking money. That was a good one.
Finally, I need to tell you that Generals and Majors have been robbed, well actually Jared specifically. We had just recorded some thunderous drum parts for our new single "Ain't No Money", when Jared's laptop suddenly went "missing" causing a drastic halt to our recording procedures. Needless to say we were pissed. At first I blamed Jared and his porn addiction for it. I expertly deduced that the gods caused his laptop to spontaneously incinerate since so much disgusting goat sex, granny fucking, horse anal raping, midget rimjobs, and bukake had been viewed on it. But yesterday low and behold a detective named Detective Gibroni called about a laptop he found in some Fresh Direct delivery guy's apartment in Queens. Turns out the motherfucker stole Jared's laptop. The Detective was so overjoyed at finally cracking a case, I believe his exact words were "YES!!! I FUCKING SOLVED ONE!!" The good news is we have our files back and can continue recording the most amazing song you'll ever here, the bad news is that means that Jared's apartment has been burgled so he now wears a bullet proof vest and carries an Uzi at all times.
Please come join us at our next show which is at The Annex on July 30th at 10PM. We will give you a wet sloppy one or a high five. Your choice.
I wish i had something more exciting to discuss but i don't so deal with it! I will instead leave you with two musings:
1) Vodka and Red Bull = vomiting. I'm a pretty good drinker. I've been known to put down upwards of 15 drinks in a night if need be. I'm also a Jack Daniels Squire, which is a group of the most exclusive Jack Daniels drinkers in the world giving me access to the Squire Room at The Distillery, one square inch of property on The Distillery, and generally making me a bad ass. Well, the other night I decided to try a little concoction of Vodka and Red Bull. At first all was well, I was pumped and getting drunk. Slowly i began to descend into the realm of slurred speech, screamin, general carrying on, followed by vomiting. I can only deduce one thing...Jack Daniels cursed me from the grave for not drinking his beautiful and delicious concoction. I'm so sorry Jack, truly, I swear I won't cross you again. Please forgive me! Please.
2) If the word "masturbate" appears in a film, is it still appropriate for an 8 year old? I say yes. I saw Transformers last night. It was awesome. Now every mother in the world has been asking me if their little tyke can see it. I told them yes. It is not scary, and the only controversial word is masturbate, and seeing that the kid is gonna be doing this at some point anyway what's the biggie? I'm just saying.
Oh. We're playing again REAL soon. So come on down now ya here.
First I get off the plane at 10PM and it is 104 degrees outside at NIGHT! The fucking sun was down yet it still felt like Total Recall, I was waiting for Sharon Stone and a three titted woman to come around the corner.
Next I proceed to listen to the cab driver tell me a story about his friend, the bellman at The Mirage, fucking a 41 year old "hottie" and how her husband called amidst their screwing, and she continued to gyrate and use her muscles to pleasure him while having a sweet convo with the hubby. Perfect vegas start.
Then my cousin and i meet up with our friend Rob Shuler. Rob is from nashville, is 6'5" and 250lbs and is a good ole boy, meaning he wears a cowboy hat and boots, has a deep southern accent, chews tobacco, drinks like a champion, and is an all around amazing guy. He was hammered, we were not. A game of catch up ensued, meaning i had six shots of patron in a row. By the end of it a bottle of jack daniels and patron was gone. I was cross eyed drunk and in silent mode, yet still managed to win $100 at the black jack tables. My cousin on the other hand was belligerent and almost got us thrown out. Cut to 8:50 AM when he dumped water on me while i was sleeping, I slapped him as hard as i could, dumped water on him, shoved his dirty socks in his mouth, and then he choked me till i almost passed out, then we went back to sleep. Its official, we were the drunkest men in vegas.
The reason we were in vegas was to watch my other cousin play in the world series of poker. That poor motherfucker was so hungover and had to play 13 hours of poker straight on 3 hours of sleep. Needless to say we partied more and I was up about 200-300 bucks before everyone left me in my extremely drunken state at 5:30AM and i promptly lost everything. Yay. Nothing like a cab ride home with the sun coming up, poorer than you were to start with. Not loving vegas so much at this point.
Final day there went to Rehab (the people in Vegas are so ironic), which is the biggest party in Vegas on Sunday at The Hard Rock pool. I have never seen a bigger collection of douchebags in my life. Every guy had a gotti boy hair cut and a tattoo that said La Familia. The ladies were all jelly and no toast. I think I got chlamydia from the pool. Essentially it was like a really terrible episode of The Grind except Eric Nies was nowhere to be found.
Now my liver hurts and I am spending the day apologizing to it. I am excited for our show tomorrow night, where you can pat me on the back and tell me its okay for losing my money and being a jackass. We go on at 9PM at The Annex which is on 152 orchard btw. rivington and stanton. RSVP to us and we'll put you on the list.
busy