2:00 AM - never quite figured out how to deal with what life had dealt
Current mood: peaceful

what can i say, i've always been a sucker for bright eyes.. this song has been stuck in my head for awhile now.


i had a girl i knew she grew became a woman
now i think that she teaches at one of the schools downtown
we used to roll the windows down
and play the music loud
smoking out in her car
lost in west omaha
and we'd get drunk and kiss
our bodies twist like shoe laces
and we never came untied
i guess you were just my type
you know that summer never stopped
i still pretend i'm there
bands in the living room
neighbors ain't never cared
so when i sat behind the drums
your heartbeat's what i tried to play
with kick and snares so careless not in time
so you got ahead of me
and i guess i'm still dragging behind

i had a friend who changed his name
but couldn't change himself
never quite figured out
how to deal with what life had dealt
he put a needle in his arm
to calm his handsome hell
who would have imagined it
could've worked out so well
now he's a shape that moves
like echoes through my empty room
and there's a voice that speaks
like someone's right behind me
i turned around and found
exactly what you would expect
clothes i left on my floor
the papers piled on my desk
but where the ink is
where the cause effect what's meant by it
the story is incomplete
the pictures left unfinished
so i am writing my own ending
i'll let my pen bleed black or blue
and i will color in the meaning
it will be gold and green and true
and i'll learn to love my new discovered proof

i'll be grateful for this day
i will be grateful for each day to come

Currently listening : Noise Floor (Rarities 1998-2005) By Bright Eyes Release date: 2006-10-24

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7:11 AM - an apology

i'm sorry jeannie.

it's a weird concept, apologizing to myself... but i deserve it. i'm so hard on myself, i would never treat another person (friend or foe) this way, ever. and yet, every day, i beat myself up. i always have, because that's what everyone else did. blame jeannie... events completely unrelated to me would always be twisted back around to become my fault. as a child i knew it was unfair, but eventually i got used to it. after enough times of being blamed for everything that went wrong, i learned to accept the pressure and responsibility of being the scapegoat. i should've done this, i shouldn't have done that. if only i would have listened better and paid attention and did what i was told, if only i would have been here or there, or not said this, or remembered to that.. etc etc etc.

i get so overwhelmed by all of the things i should be doing and saying, and even moreso by the things i shouldn't be doing or saying. sooner or later i start to fall apart and unravel and instead of gently trying to pick up the pieces, i'm mentally attacking myself for all the things that i did wrong to fall apart in the first place, which only leaves me feeling more overwhelmed and depressed. it's a cruel cycle i'm constantly bringing upon myself.

i need to put the same thought and care and love and sympathy and understanding into how i treat myself that i give to others. i deserve it just as much as anybody else.

so i'm sorry jeannie, for not being supportive or loving or kind to you during these difficult times, when you need it most. i'm sorry for encouraging you to listen to the visicious, nagging voices in the back of your head instead of helping you overcome them. i'm sorry for letting you blame yourself, even when you know it's not true, just because you're used to it. i'm sorry for sitting back and watching while the demons of your past were eating you alive, instead of fighting back with all of my strength, the way i would if it were anyone else.

i deserve better. i'm sorry i let you slip through the cracks while i was supportive of everyone but you. i can't promise to change overnight, but i will do all i can into putting as much energy into taking care of you that i give to all of my other loved ones.

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4:59 AM - the pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me, so why can’t you forgive me?
Current mood: depressed

i feel so lonely. even when i'm around people, i have nothing to say. my mind races through dark and stormy clouds, nothing lifts above the fog. frustrated.. i have nowhere to turn. so i drag my feet through this misery and cross my fingers that maybe someday it all proves to be worth it. sometimes (most of the time? all of the time?) i doubt it. it's not a bad thing. i may have lost, perhaps even never had, hope but instead i've felt a powerful spark of defiance against the hurdles ahead of me. unlikely to last long, its presence brings a rush of awakening shocking me out of the numb state i've been in. it hurts, but it feels, which is supposedly better than nothing.

right?

Currently reading : New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Book 2) By Stephenie Meyer

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7:45 PM - stop it
Current mood: depressed

that's what i'm supposed to do; just stop it. sounds easy enough but it never is. everything feels out of control... just stop it.

trying to shut off my racing mind is tricky. now i feel like a zombie, sleeping all day but not really.

i'm tired, lonely. still extremely sad about.. well i don't even want to say his stupid fucking name. i hate myself so much for still caring about someone who clearly never cared about me.

my ears are ringing, my head feels light and i just want to sleep it all away.

Currently watching : Mad Men - Season One Release date: 2008-07-01

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7:07 AM - i found myself reveling in the aloneness instead of being lonely
Current mood: intrigued

there's nothing else in the world like reading a good book. sex, drugs, & rock and roll all pale in comparison to a delicious, juicy novel. and pale; what a fitting word when the book of the day is twilight. i'm just barely over 100 pages in and it pains me to put it down.. the only way i could convince myself to close the cover was with the promise of being able to dedicate more hours later tonight to its pages if i give my eyes a chance to rest and relax now.

books were my first love, and for much of my life, my only love. their words make the rest of the world fall to the wayside in such a beautiful, lonely way. i don't want to wake up and go back to the real world.

Currently reading : Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1) By Stephenie Meyer

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11:03 PM - shhh.. i’m sleeping
Current mood: stressed

i want to run and hide from the world for a little bit. everything feels like too much and at any moment it could all be set ablaze.

so before i catch fire..

goodnight

Currently watching : Primer Release date: 2005-04-19

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12:34 PM - bitch, rant down to the practice room
Current mood: mellow

i've been so busy lately.. it's a good thing i guess. wears me out though.

last week i went to the midnight opening of the dark knight with ashford and anja and some other people. it was fucking amazing. i've never seen anything like heath ledger's performance of the joker in my life. so intense. i need to see it again, asap. hopefully at the IMAX next time :) it was actually kind of fun to be at the midnight show, the theater was packed with hundreds (thousands?) there for the show.. block e had at least 5 screenings at midnight, it was insane, people were dressed up and there was such an excited tension in the crowd, all of these fans waiting to see it for the first time. i'm such a fucking nerd.

then i worked a ton, got sick on tuesday, blah blah blah. wednesday i went to see an advanced showing of the pineapple express with paige, lydia, ashley and her boyfriend mike.. we had passes for it at my work, and i love the whole "apatow/freaks and geeks" gang so i figured it'd be worth checking out. GO SEE IT AS SOON AS IT'S RELEASED!!!!! i haven't laughed that hard in a movie in a loooooooong time. seriously, i need to see that one again after it's out, yay for ridiculous stoner action movies!

i went to my mom's last night after therapy and hung out with the family for a bit. my mom got her new adorable ipod and i taught her how to import cds and put songs on her ipod. good times.. teaching grown ups how to do things is funny. but my mom figured it out and had a lot of fun putting crappy old people music on there :)

i finally have a day off with NOTHING to do. good, because i really need to relax for awhile. i've been so stressed out and overwhelmed with a bazillion different things. it's really hard not to get really depressed and anxious when the whole world keeps raining shit down on you. i need time to process and regroup at the end of the day and if i don't have that, i fall apart.

so, time to relax with some tyra and dr. phil!

Currently listening : Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain By Pavement Release date: 1999-06-23

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3:56 PM - look into my eyes, it’s the only way i’ll tell the truth

this morning i was lucky enough to have had one of the worst migraines i've experienced in years. i couldn't go to work. and thus ended my supposed six-day stretch.

i'm too overwhelmed and tormented to function like the rest of you. or apparently i'm just lazy and unambitious. i fucking hate people.

KNIVES OUT.

Currently listening : Fight Test By The Flaming Lips Release date: 2003-04-22

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10:45 PM - you’re getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
Current mood: curious

relationships are always reflections of ourselves. not necessarily the most reliable or unbiased, but certainly one of the most influential components of defining yourself and finding your place in the world.

it's a shame that when people don't like what they see in a particular mirror, the typical reaction is to smash it, throw it away, demolish it to such tiny pieces until there's no danger of ever seeing that image of themselves again.

but you can't destroy a reflection. the real deal is still there, and severing a tie might buy you more time, but that part of yourself you can't stand to see might be waiting around any corner, anywhere.. you can run all you want but you can't hide when what's really haunting you is yourself.

Currently watching : Punch-Drunk Love (Two Disc Special Edition) (Superbit Collection) Release date: 2003-06-24

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