How the Donner Party Made Me $$!

I recently sold four articles to a travel website (somewhat pseudonymously), and one of them has now been posted.

I'm particularly proud of it, so check it out. BTW, I only wrote the part under "Bring Some Culture...". The title and surrounding text are blurbs written by the travel company.

Donner Party article is here

9:14 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

My Weird History
Category: Web, HTML, Tech

Inspired by Heather, who sometimes posts the oddest things in her Google search history box, here's what comes up in mine:

A: abortion funding
B: Benjamin Franklin fart
C:  copper-nose Harry (also "chai martini")
D: dodge a bullet
E: elves
F: Fruit of the Loom guys
G: (tie) Galahad Threepwood / glue cow feet
H: (tie) hillbilly talk / Hitler redhead
I: Indian Idol (great show, by the way)
J: Jamaican slang
K: Knoxville liquor law
L: Laffy Taffy
M: "man who stands on toilet is high on pot" (also "Mojito". Lots of drinking)
N:Nancy Drew safari
O: onions turned blue (this happened while I was cooking one day)
P: Phyllis Diller roast
R: Rosie Grier knitting (also "rum drinks")
S: (tie) sad bunny / snail omelet
T: (tie) twenty-three skidoo / ta very much
U: unvanquished
V: vivisection
W: weddings pigs in a blanket
Y: Yucatanians
Z:Zola

Nice to see I'm doing a lot of important research, huh?

2:31 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

From Gay to British (If There’s a Difference)
Current mood: brown & saucy
Category: brown & saucy Fashion, Style, Shopping

 After I reviewed a lesbian novel written by a friend, Amazon.com started recommending lesbian items to me. No big deal. Some of it was okay stuff. Several interesting artsy movies. After a while, though, it got to be extreme. I started thinking, hey, I don't want Amazon recommending only gay books and videos. I'd like to see what they might really recommend to me.

 So I started clicking "not interested" on all the overtly lesbian items.

 Hrm. I don't know what I did wrong, but after being "not interested", Amazon went from recommending movies like Chasing Amy to suggesting I buy lesbian sex manuals. I learned that there's actually even a Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories. (Now that's a niche.) It's as if they thought that I was pretending to be not gay --in denial-- and I really needed this stuff. It went from artsy to being so overtly sexual  that it seemed like harrassment!
 
 Anyone who knows me knows that gay isn't an issue with me, but at this point I wondered what I'd have to do to convince the recommendation-generator that I was heterosexual, yet keep the possible future recommendations accurate to myself. I started clicking "not interested" like a madwoman, and adding stuff I was really interested in to my wish list: 19th century history, literature, etc.

 Let me add here that I've always imagined that, because the recommendations seem so sophisticated, there's a little old man who looks at your interests and suggests stuff. He uses a lorgnette and an old-style manual typewriter. He has a lot of filing cabinets.

 Anyway, that guy is pretty smart. He finally put two and two together, and after deciding that I'm gay and I'm interested in the 19th century, I woke up to find a new theme in my recommendations: ALL Oscar Wilde books. I'mnot a lesbian anymore; I'm a gay MAN.

 I can live with it.

 More recently, I discovered that you can add non-media items to your wish list.  I added HP Brown Sauce, a condiment I got hooked on in London.

 The next day, Amazon has a new suggestion: Marmite! I took great pleasure in clicking "I own it" and rating it 5 stars. The next day, I wake to see that, because I already own Marmite, Amazon would like to suggest: a case of Marmite!

 That's kind of awesome.

 Oh, and according to the site, customers who bought a case of Marmite also bought Branston pickle. I guess they're British, alright. (Or maybe just trying to be not gay.)

 I don't know if the old guy thinks I'm gay or British or have an eating disorder (that's a LOT of Marmite), but whatever.

 I'm gonna make some toast, watch a lesbian movie, and maybe read some Victorian literature. Amazon told me to.

 

Currently reading : The Big Book Of Lesbian Horse Stories By Alisa Surkis Release date: 01 October, 2002

9:08 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Best Books I Read 2006
Category: Writing and Poetry

I keep a list of everything I read in a coffee-and-wine-stained little fabric book. Looking over it yesterday, I thought it might be nice to share the highlights from this past year.In the Robinson Sister tradition, I'll narrow it down to a beautiful five.

 Top Five Books I Read in 2006

1) Time's Arrow by Martin Amis. Okay, any book I read by Master Amis is listable, but I also read Night Train this year and I'm leaving it off. It's great and it gives good noir, but Arrow is a masterwork. I can't even comprehend how he structured this book without losing his mind. Speaking of losing your mind...number two is:

2) Nadja by Andre Breton. I often have difficulty with surrealist novels in a way I don't have with poetry. Perhaps I'm too Aristotlean and have rules for novels that are too rigid. Nadja is exquisite and compelling, though, from line one ("Who am I?") to line last ("Beauty will be convulsive or will not be at all.").

3) The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. A friend of mine simply told me about an interview they heard with Didion about this book and I wept just hearing about it. The subject matter is wrenching, about the year following her husband's (author John gregory Dunne) death. But in Didion's hands it becomes something magical. I had a hard time shaking this one.

4) No Night Is Too Long by Barbara Vine. Anybody reading this that I turned on to Patricia Highsmith needs to understand that Vine (Ruth Rendell) is every bit as good and sometimes better. Claustrophobic. Guilt-ridden.

4) Tie. Loser Goes First by Dan Kennedy, Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman, Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress by Sara Jane Gilman. So, none of these are great books and they won't change the world, but  this year sort of became the year of the self-effacing  memoir to me. Klosterman used to be the only  good reason to read  Spin (now there isn't one, except, perhaps, the subscription hasn't run out). Kennedy can tell you about ANYTHING and it's somehow a story. Gilman is me, and that's the thing. Books like these make you WANT to write yourself. If these goobers can take their own ridiculous lives and somehow make a book out of stringing silly anecdotes together, then hey....


Honorable mentions to Wodehouse's Leave it to Psmith (a worthy rival to Jeeves & W.), Robert Barnard's Political Suicide (good satire of the Brit. polit. system recommended for fans of Yes, Minister), and all of the skrillions of titles I read by Cornell Woolrich and Julian Symons for the noir fans.

If any one of you reads even one of these books, tell me. I know you'll be thanking me. And tell me what you've been reading.

Happy New Year.

10:31 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Mile High Club Lobby Is Hard at Work, Apparently
Category: Travel and Places

 In preparation for my trip to Madison tomorrow, I thought I'd visit the FAA website and see just what can and can't be in my carry-on luggage. Now that all liquids and gel-like substances aren't allowed, I thought I'd see what stuff I'd need to move out of my magic silver box and into my checked suitcase.

 The list is amazingly detailed and in many cases ridiculous in its inclusiveness ("Oh, so I CAN'T carry on my MEAT CLEAVER? Guess I'll have to check it."), but what just bowled me over is the random inconsistency.

 Okay, so you can't carry on toothpaste, mascara, makeup, liquid lip gloss, or even wear gel shoe insoles, fine. But guess what you can have? A gel-filled bra! No kidding!

 And while you can't have a cup of coffee on the plane or any other liquids, you can have up to four ounces of K-Y Jelly.

 So, essentially, big-boobed women with plenty of lube? Welcome aboard!

 Some old guy with a tube of Carmex and gel inserts in his shoes? Sorry Sir, you'll have to come with us.

 Glad we've got our priorities straight.

 

2:46 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Martin Amis signed my WHAT?
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

 I found a copy of Time's Arrow (first ed.) at work recently that had a plate signed by Martin Amis, but it hadn't been affixed. It occured to me that since I  already have a first of Time's Arrow, I could just cop the plate and stick it in my own copy.

 Then I thought, hey, I could stick it in my first ed. of London Fields; I like it better anyway.

 Then I thought, even better, I could stick it on my copy of Granta that has "The Murderee" in it, because that's the early version of the novel. I'll bet NOBODY has a signed "Murderee".

 But hey! If I want something signed by Amis that nobody has, I could stick it anywhere! I could put it on, say, my hairdryer. My cat box. A bucket of chicken. "Oh, Martin Amis signed my bucket of chicken", I could say smugly.

 I could slap it on my ass!

 The possibilities are limited only by the imagination, but I can't decide where to put it!

 So for now, Martin Amis signed a piece of sticky paper that I carry around in my notebook. I'm open to ideas. Anybody?

9:56 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Style Icons: Fall 2006 Preview
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping

I think it's too early for Fall, but Heather's in charge of style in this family and she says to do it. Yes, Ma'am.
Things I'm anxious to dig out of my closet:
 *ankle-length spikey boots
 *paisley hose
 *velvet jacket
Things I want to buy and soon:
 *longer bangs
 *more scarves
 *cameo jewelry and piles of brooches
I'm thinking:
 *brocade, velvet, silk, luxe fabric
 *court shoes
 *things that lace up, are be-ribboned, trailing things
 *the colors of flowers and butterflies
Inspiration:

Kees Van Dongen

Maxwell Demon

Roxy Music album covers

Jane Morris
Icons include...
                       Bianca...

...and beautiful Kate, who makes everything she wears seem hopelessly, magically romantic, whether it's a spandex leotard or the lion costume on the cover of Lionheart (gotta get me one of those). O, England, my lionheart.
 Should be a beautiful Fall.

10:08 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The Kind of Curl You Read About (in New Wave Magazines)

 A couple of weekends ago was our curling club's second annual bonspiel (which means big ol' tournament in German or something), and I'm just getting around to blogging it.  Was it really worthy of a blog title that references "Superfreak"? Well, it WAS the kinda bonpsiel you don't take home to Mother.
 Curlers are a different breed: the only athletes that start the morning with a beer from the keg and a glazed doughnut right before a game. Now you now why I love it so much.
 Look at Madeline's lovely hack setup:
And Carla's lovely...um...hack setup:
 Carla and I LOVED our team, The Ostheimers from Midland. It was interesting playing with a husband and wife team, as they consistently yelled conflicting instructions to us. "Sweeeeeep!", Julie would scream. "Off! Off! Ooooooooof!", Dan would bellow. So what were we supposed to do? Whatever we felt like. As Carla figured out, they'll just get mad at each other if we do the wrong thing. They led us to a runner-up position in the B bracket, though. I love those guys. Here we are at the banquet, Carla with her natural glow, Julie and Dan with a Sprite glow, and me with a too-much-wine glow:
 The banquet was truly surreal in lots of ways, mostly because of the fact that Bush's beans was the sponsor (we shoulda called it the beanspiel), so among the items in the raffle were multiple bean-related items. Our own Margy was happy to win...a big ol' sausage:
 But not near as weirdly ECSTATIC as Eddie was to win a big can of beans. Um, way to go Eddie:
Next Xmas, when the curling club has its white elephant gift exchange, don't open the big cylindrical presents. Unless of course, you like beans. A whole lot.
 My favorite banquet moment may have been listening to Apocalyptica in a van down by the river with our curling club's Metal Ben (right) and Nashville's Muttonchops Bondagepants (actually named Byron):


Oh, and here's a joke that only my close family will get, but...seen Kelly Jenkins lately? Check the nametag:


Next year we're talking about getting a liquor sponsor (a bourBONSPIEL), or maybe Goo Goo Cluster (GooGoospiel? Clusterspiel?). Either way, I'm so there.

4:39 AM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Style Icons: Summer 2006

 
For perfect skirt length plus boots, the Hullabaloo dancers.

For the je ne sais quois, Endora. For perfect hair and the fact that you need colors sometimes, Veronica Lodge.



Although, no matter how great I look, at about three a.m. I most resemble the villainess from The Rescuers. Gun optional depending on my mood. I'll bet at 10:00 pm she looked fabulous and her boobs were in the right place.

10:53 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Wisdom of Robinson Women. Not an Oxymoron, I Swear.

 In honor of Mother's Day I thought I would reflect on some of the inspiring and brilliant advice that the women of the Robinson family have given the world. I'm sure you all have your favorites, and I urge you to post them here.
 I'm not much for advice, because all I have to impart is pretty succinct. I've always said that I wanted to write a relationship book, guaranteed to work if one actually implements it, but no publisher seems interested. Below is the complete text of the book:
  Accept him or dump him.
Genius, eh?
 But I've got nothing on the other members of my family. Here's a sampling:

Na-Naw (Our grandmother, natch): "If someone in my family married a gorilla, I suppose I'd learn how to love a gorilla." And also: "I don't care if Heather pierces her REAR  END  if SHE likes it."

Mom: "Sometimes washing your face can give you a whole new outlook on life."

Heather: "A Dum-Dum is the perfect size for a sucker. Otherwise you have to commit to a WHOLE DAMN sucker!"

Emily: Okay, not so much a quote, but as a tiny child Emily pretended to be Jesus and proclaimed as a warning that in heaven there's "No TV. No cigars." And if you read her profile title, "Get one taste variance", you'll see that a lot of her wisdom is directed to the masses.

Madeline: (It helps if you know that Madeline obsesses over the thickness of mechanical pencil lead and I never seem to get her the right kind): "If you use .7 you should just DROP OUT OF SCHOOL."

 Help me out and post some more Robinson nuggets, and Happy Mother's Day in advance.

5:15 AM - 9 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment