He spied: then he cried
Current mood: apathetic

Night has fallen crowning the world in darkness
Silent except for the odd car passing by.
In the early hours of the morning,
Stillness breaking into my thoughts,
I wonder if this is all it should be.
Temporary love, I know another heart calls to you.
I wait, wondering when I will feel loneliness again:
That bittersweet freedom that follows me through the day
And batters my soul through the night.
Does no one feel my heart: hear the words from my soul?
My heart begs to feel a connection that will never be.
I am alone: never to know the comfort of belonging.

8:00 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

my broken heart
Current mood: depressed
Category: Writing and Poetry

"I miss him." I cry in a silent whisper to the still, empty room
Why does his touch still haunt me and the scent of him fill the air
As the endless stream of tears falls from under closed lashes:
Lids swollen from my attempts to atone for my sins

"Do you still feel me?" my heart screams, desperate for a kind word
Hear the lonely whispers begging forgiveness and your return
My heart aches with the emptiness your absence has left behind
Arms falling outward in a hopeful plea for forgiveness...and I sigh

"I love you"--don't ask me why-there is no reason--only that I do
You cry-I can feel your pain reach out to me again and again
My arms ache to comfort you--to ease the suffering you endure
Curled around myself frustration and loneliness tear at my belly

"I am here" I breathe in the hope that you will hear my plea
Why don't you answer? Tell me my love isn't in vein
My soul aches with your absence straining only to be with yours
I cover my head again to muffle the sobs that shake my body
                                                                           As my soul lies dying.

16:32 - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

love song
Category: Writing and Poetry

When I close my eyes I see your face
        And dream about you
Wonder where my life will take me now
        That I'm without you

                       I can still feel your touch
                       I'll always love you way too much

And when I close my eyes I'll see your face
        Without you now

When I close my eyes I see your face
        And dream about you
Wonder if I'll find one to replace
        How I feel about you

                       Tell me again what was the reason
                       For us to part for a season

When I close my eyes I'll see your face
        Without you now

                       Tell me how to fill the space 
                       Within my heart you left, cause, Baby,

When I close my eyes I see your face
        Emptiness surrounds me now

21:41 - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

the story behind the name

The name that appears with my picture is one of my favorite short poems. It wrote itself late one night. I was hoping to add to it, but it seems complete just as it is. Ponder the meaning and you'll understand the irony of each line.

My destiny lies in the dying light.
My sorrow hides behind undrawn shades.
All I've learned will soon be forgot;
A passing thought from and empty stage.

My destiny is death. The sorrow-no longer hidden. What I've learned will die with me; just another lost teaching from a ghost that never was.

10:33 - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

feeling ignored
Category: Writing and Poetry

You don't know me

You don't know why

I cry myself to sleep at night

You never knew

You never guessed

How my heart stopped beating in my chest

You only knew

I looked like her

So you never listened to my words

You can deny

What you never knew

Deciding the words from my lips weren't true

You did everything

To dress me in shame

What? Trying to protect yourself from pain

Kiss and tell

Did you have fun

Telling everyone about the things we'd done

I hate you

And I love you too
My heart is breaking, but I'm glad we're through

13:28 - 1 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Withdrawl of Love

Do you all realize how difficult it is to find eight words that rhyme at least marginally without sounding trite. The Rythem is a bit sticky in places too. I hope you enjoy it all the same.

You've got me so frustrated

Your apologies always belated

This relationship is over-rated

Too many time bought, sold, and traded

Cheapened feelings are degraded

Feeling vastly under-elated

Looking at the failure you created

The knife you cut with-serrated

Trapped beneath your deadly dealings

The darkness you bring on is reeling

Only living without feeling

Bleeding wounds left without healing

Withdrawals ever more appealing

Inflated cost of love has hit the ceiling

Hear the death knell peeling

Lift to God this sacrament; I'm kneeling

Heart pulsing in my hand

Blood drips from fingers to the sand

Let my sacrifice nourish the land

Life flows out at my command

Bleeding full out where I stand

Stinging slap of reprimand

Burning flesh like a brand

All responses sounding canned

Forever reaching finding nothing

Knowing longing for only one thing

The feeling that that kind of love brings

Lack of connection a burning sting

Lonely closing in; I'm drowning

Blindly searching for an opening

The stifling lack of one glaring

Listening for a voice-never hearing

Reaching out for flesh to cling to

Only wishing it could be you

Knowing the futility of the wishing I do

Consideration of my acts untrue

View becoming that of a shrew

A skewing of faulty prior views

Heart sent out another miscue

My own personal Waterloo

9:41 - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The illusion of happiness
Category: Writing and Poetry

I wrote this to a friend who sees me as happy most of the time. Though he is right in that that is what I present to the world as I greet friends, family, and stranger alike: what is inside-hidden from all of them-is another story altogether. I suffer, I cry, I get angry, I feel the sting of lonliness and longing the same. I am a coward; I hide what is perceived to be weakness, protecting what is left of my heart from the pain inflicted by the carelessness and cruelty of others.

"You said I seem happy.

What is happy?
It is an illusion;
After all aren't illusions always more interesting than reality?

Happy/unhappy--it doesn't matter.
I will live until I die.
That time is not determined by me and has not yet come.

And so I write
Of things that matter to me
To relieve the pressure that pushes me to become more than I am.

My "happiness" gives pleasure
To people around me
So I will play the part and give their lives pleasure that I do not feel.

I will take time
To embrace what I can
Of small things that momentarily entrance me; then leave me to my solitude.

I walk this earth alone
Because I can
While lonliness follows close behind me every step of the way."

10:18 - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

a short poem
Category: Writing and Poetry

My lips let fall the softest whisper

The desperate sigh of the hapless sinner

Searching for a strand of connection

Reaching a hand out to find if it's there

Eyes that wander forever in seach of

A sight as pleasing as one who cares.

10:09 - 2 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Tell a Tale
Category: Writing and Poetry

Winter in all her glory came
Beating at the door

Raging spirit and icy breath

Calling me to explore

"Reach deep inside," she said to me,

"And find a nightmare sore,

Then pull it out and tell to me

What terrors does it hold?"

I reached as deep as I dare go

And then she said to me,

"Reach deeper still; I've heard this one

And know what they will be."

I felt desire to impress, so deeper still I'd go

To find a tale for Winter's ear

She hadn't heard before

I guess it must have been all night

For on horizon gray

A burst of light shot through the dark

It was the light of day

And as I stood and blinked a bit

A thought occurred to me

There is no fear so great by far

As you not loving me.

17:12 - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Lyrics..*what it must feel like to never feel pain*...
Category: Writing and Poetry

Here is a song for all of you; it's sung in an Enya like style.

Have you ever felt the rain fall from your eyes:

A torrential downpour-epic in size?

Have you ever kissed the cold stone of the grave:

Strung out with sorrow 'til you knelt and you prayed?

Have you ever felt your heart stripped down to waste:

Left in a state of unholy disgrace?

Has your heart ever ceased to beat 'neath your breast

Leaving a wide-open hole in your chest?

What it must feel like to never feel pain

Is winning worth losing it all in the end?

Have you ever felt your heart ripped from your chest

Leaving an emptiness colder than death?

Don't you see the cold pain in my eyes:

Left there by all of the tears that I've cried?

And when the world comes crashing down:

When the walls of my Jerico fall to the ground,

Will someone come stifle the feelings inside:

Find a safe place my soul can hide

What it must feel like to never feel pain

Is winning worth losing it all in the end?

Have you ever felt the rain fall from your eyes:

A torrential downpour-epic in size?,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

6:31 - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A Call to Aoede
Current mood: accomplished
Category: Writing and Poetry

The story is one of dreams stolen and fears overcome. I have always loved to sing. The feel of the notes rising and rumbling in my chest and resonating through the fine bones of my face and the back of my mouth, slipping past my lips-whispered, bellowing, grating-thrills me and heals my heart. It has always been this way, but I have never had the courage to sing in front of people--until a couple years ago. **Thank you so much for that gift Carol** I owe you my joy-my heart.

That said, the dream was stolen from me in 1981 by a teacher who could not teach and had no business working with young people still trying to figure out their own bodies and minds. He was my choir teacher and he told me that I had no business being in choir since I couldn't sing (a lie I now know).

A Call to Aoede
By
Diana Secor

A cold November wind blows the hair from my face.
I look around at the empty eyes that fill this place.
Cold, fathomless lies surround breathless anticipation
Killing the promises and dreams—the hopes and aspirations.

Lost—tempest tossed—futile grasping hands
Reach out to touch the dying sun lying on the sand.
Rising spirit, be reborn: soar high on brilliant wings.
Everlasting flame of hope reach out and wake the dream.

Rise again as if from slumber—refreshed anew.
Quaking knees, heart a-thunder send a call out to my muse.
The brilliant light like a supernova wakes me like a scream—
Breathless, waiting heart still pounding as if I still dream.

Rising, falling breathe in and out, in time with primal fear.
Chaos and order locked in battle—fighting back fear.
Tomorrow comes unholy and gray—dirty with the shame
Of lies unkempt—tattered dreams all that still remains.

Blessed/wicked all are cast before into the burning flame.
Wicked, bleeding pain of truth and lies always the same.
The truth lies in a massive jumble; the lies are pure as gold
 Leaving only empty air and silence for arms to hold.

       January 2005

I now love to get in front of the mic. Sometimes I bomb (not often), but most of the time I hit it. Either way it's a triumph every time of a dream regained.

9:24 - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

A lament of a Survivor
Current mood: aggravated
Category: Writing and Poetry

After feeling the sting of judgmentalism from my family, "friends", and religious leaders for ending an abusive marriage, I have a few things of my own to say. Those of you who would judge a woman (or man) harshly for ending a marriage that is verbally, emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive, heed my words...

Tell me once more why I should care?
When have you ever been there
To dry my eyes-give me hope?
I should care what you think?--NOPE!

Where do you come off judging me?
Have you ever been there beside me
In a hell of my own, writhing in pain?
Why should I care, once again?

And where were you when I took this fall?
Funny, I didn't see you there at all.
I don't remember you trying to save me
Before you gave me the third degree.

Sometime after the crisis was over
You showed up to stand and hover
Looking for everything I did wrong
Then opining in dicta way too long.

If you're so concerned about my life
About whether or not I was his wife,
Then why weren't you there to stop the pain,
Stand by my side, act like a friend?

Instead you stand and moralize
Ignoring all the tears I've cried.
My god would never do this thing,
Make me a victim all over again.

I'm no saint--this I agree,
But the word of my god sets me free
From all the vows made in marriage
When HE began this gross miscarriage.

He ignored his vows, put me in danger,
And left me to look for love from strangers,
Ignoring his duties as a spouse
Creating chaos in his own house,

Destroying each hope that I created,
Not saying, "Sorry." not even belated,
Blaming me for all he destroyed,
Calling me names, creating this void.

He ended all the feelings of love
Long before the first push or shove.
Twelve years-no less-I tried so much,
Six years-no less-without a kind touch:

Not a touch upon my hand,
No words of kindness-no friend.
He failed his vows and placed in danger
All he was charged with protecting-WITH ANGER!

First Corinthians 7:15 and 16
Clear the marriage, make me clean:
Not divorced, it never WAS
Saving him no longer my cause.

God has absolved me of my vows
And yet you stand and judge me--HOW?
Are you so much greater than the Lord
That you can stand there and twist his word?

The man I lived with as my spouse
Was the victimizer in my house.
The Lord-he loves me-he set me free
From a life with no tranquility.

My children now blossom under my roof
Another sign, yet more proof,
That the way we were living was not meant to be
Not for them and not for me.

Excuse me, I don't feel the least guilty
For ending the charade, creating tranquility
Looking for someone worthy of us,
Someone who WON'T betray our trust,

Someone to show us what love looks like
When the vows are carried out right,
So when they marry they won't end up here,
Defending action created by fear.

There are MANY different interpretation of the section of First Corinthians mentioned here. When read as a group they give a clear release from marriage to those who try to save the unbeliever but fail. Remember too that an unbeliever is one who does not follow the example that the Lord set for us. The Lord charges a man to love his wife as the Lord also loved you. Funny, I don't remember the lord calling people names, separating them from friends and family, striking them in any way, or saying things INTENDED to wound. So the abuser must not be following the example set by the Lord; they are not believers. The only condition of the release is that the unbeliever leaves. Does that mean physically? It is not specifically enumerated as a physical act, so is left open. Tell me, is one who does not participate in the marriage a member of that marriage? It is certainly not discussed by church leaders on Sunday and the ones I've spoken to will not address those passages in 1 Corinthians, so maybe they are unclear due to all the ways writers have warped that passage over the years. In the end you will make up your own mind or quote some mantra that doesn't address the passage at all. The same mantra spewed out by a church unwilling to address the mistreatment of the female portion of their congregation owing to the fact that the church is still a patriarch (ruled by men). Try looking up 1 Corinthians 7 , specifically sections 15&16, in several Bibles and see what conclusions you draw.

10:34 - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

A Quandry
Current mood: lonely

I was once asked a question that I could not find the words to answer. After a lot of thought I came to the realization that there is no answer and this is why....

Why do you love me?----A fool's question
For love is not logical
It does not love because you "are" or "do"
The heart loves because it must
Without reason--without logic
The heart will wander where it will
It forbids logic in choosing
It forgives without reservation
The one it chose to fill the void

So why do I choose you?----I do not
My heart has spoken to yours
And calls still with ever beat and rest
Even so, I would not choose you
For you are as imperfect as I am
But the heart knows nothing of perfection
Only of the longing to beat with yours
My heart knows only
That it skips a beat when your eyes lock with mine--
When your hand reaches for me
In the stillness of the moment..........

21:41 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment