Good news and better news
Category: Writing and Poetry

Well... we got some good news.. I won't have to do what the publisher wanted.. change the book to a non-atheist one. That was a contract breaker. SO I finally have a free slate to publish with a NEW publisher.

That's the better news..the book is getting updated so it's got some information based on the last two years. :)

I'll keep you posted!

CJ

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Book Update
Category: Writing and Poetry

Hi everyone,
I have an interesting dilemna. The publisher has asked that I change the title of my book. The website and myspace page have existed for years, and the mailing list is pages long, so people are very aware that the book has been called "godless" for quite some time. BUT, the publisher is a bit unnerved by that particular word, and asked that it be removed from the title.

One fella remarked, "Change it to, 'You're Dead, Get Over It'". Although I did laugh pretty hard, I had to remind him, the book includes things other than death. Other options were, Rational Grief, Secular Loss, Logic and Loss. But there needs to be a strong title, that will call out to those who are NON believers, and a title that won't offend, apparently, those who do believe, as they walk through Barnes and Noble.

So, I'd like to hear some ideas from you, my readers, if you would like to offer them. I've been asked to change the website and the MySpace page, as well. Ironically, everyone who is on the website is firmly Atheist, and is aware that the book is from an Atheist perspective-- as are those who are interviewed in the pages.

And, on top of these notions, I'm also being asked to get one more endorsement, from another non-secular grief counselor. Although there are two such endorsements already, I'm asking any of you to offer any of your friends, who may be psychologists or psychiatrists the opportunity to read this book for a chance to be endorsers.

Thanks for your time, I swear, the book is nearly in the publisher's hand.

CJ

Currently listening : Dan Zanes & Friends - All Around the Kitchen! Crazy Videos & Concert Songs! Release date: 30 August, 2005

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Publication Information
Category: Writing and Poetry

Godless Grief is now officially accepted to a publisher, as of Friday, the 13th.

Prometheus is NOT that publisher, despite their push to have the book finished 8 weeks prior to my actual deadline. I had planned to finish the book by the end of May this year, and Prometheus told my agent they needed it by February. Why? Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins both had top 10 released Atheist manifestos that month, so it was the spicy topic dujour on the talk show circuit, I suppose. I wasn't happy about being told to put years worth of interviews, into a haphazard text, or cram together my thoughts in mere days when I planned to breathe a little more life into chapters. Some chapters were living well on their own for months already, while others sounded rather academic, and dry. The book didn't feel right to me. But I had been told-- give them a full book, and they'll be so happy. In two weeks time they'll give you a contract and by September, you'll have Godless Grief in everyone's hands!

Well, that fantasy didn't pan out. After sending the first three chapters, as normally is done by non-fiction authors to publishers, via the agents, or not, you usually get asked for a proposal. You don't normally get asked for an entire book. So red flags should have waved. Instead, a full manuscript was expected in 11 days. Edited. I hired two editors. One of them was for typos, one of them was for clarity. Fortunately, they both got what I was saying, and are Atheists, so neither fought me on topic, or theme.

Then, after submitting said manuscript. I waited. The agent waited. The world waited. The Godless Grief forum continued to breathe and exist. People were asking about the book, and with chapters now ready for them, I posed snippets there. Why not? No publisher yet. Waiting. Waiting. Weeks go by. Finally the agent has enough and I have enough and we need to submit to other places, so we ask Prometheus what the hell is going on that they demand so much, and I get a curt note stating that the book wasn't Atheist enough, but should have declared that everyone should be putting forth Atheist manifestos. Uhm. It's a grief book. It's not an Atheist manifesto. Prometheus wasn't looking for a grief book. At least not from someone who had gone through chemotherapy or 9-11 or did comedy. they wanted me to be a former Dr. Phil gone Atheist. And they never got that I wasn't that.

So Paul Kurtz, whom I adore, not two weeks later, signed ONTO this very MySpace page..or his assistant did..so someone at Prometheus likes me. And, we moved on to other publishers. Now there is a finished manuscript. I go back and tweak it some more, with a few changes cleaning up some of the rushed words and comments, so it is smoothed out. It's still not exactly the book I wanted, but it's better and less of a "gottagetthisoutnoworprometheuswontpublish" book, and more of a practical guide and realistic approach. I now have endorsements, and people reading it for thoughts and jacket blurbs.

The word is getting out there. So much so that two of the people who worked on it, Keith Cornish and Rhys Watkins, from Australia, who died this past Winter and Spring, are now getting copies read during their memorials. Then, Atheist Alliance International uses Godless Grief as their sole source during the events at Virginia Tech. Then Clark Adams commits suicide and some of us who are friends of his are all meeting each other at the Godless Grief forum.

The forum has been a proverbial lifeline for all those grieving for a variety of reasons. Life, limb, and other losses bring people together to discuss and mourn, and laugh, and re-acquaint themselves with life again. And, even other authors are reaching out.

This press is one of the many approached by my agent Janet Rosen. Janet is friends with so many other Atheists and agnostics, skeptics and others. She knows the people there and what they do for others on the human level. Their purpose has always been to make the heart and mind a better place. I like that purpose. The personalities and my personalities seem well suited. There's something that clicked. They took my manuscript three weeks ago, sat with it a week after that, and then this week made the decision. That is professional, that is the way it was supposed to have been. That is what made me very happy. They don't play games or waste time.

Soon many of you will have Godless Grief on your bookstore shelves. Many of you will meet me in person and chat with me at those bookstores. Some of us will have to chat with those who don't understand that church and grief have nothing to do with each other, but we'll manage. In the meantime, we have this space, and we have the Godless Grief forum.

Thanks to Janet Rosen, and Sheree Bykofsky for the work and support in getting Godless Grief to the right people. And the new publisher will be a great home for the words. I think you'll find they are supportive in many ways for many reasons.

Cathe Jones

Currently listening : Songs of America from Another American By Kevin Maynor Release date: 17 January, 2005

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How Long Does it Take?
Category: Life

An email came today that said, "How long will it take until my friend is done grieving over her mother?"

That is a very honest thing to ask, and it's also a very selfish question. I don't mean selfish in that the person who emailed was being narcissistic, I mean, the person who emailed could only relate to grief from his own personal experience.

There are people who seem to adhere to grief in an almost addictive way. They find that they are given attention during a time of tragedy when other times of their life there is almost a hollowness to their existence. When the attention starts to wane, there becomes a near histrionic response-- and renewed pain seems to recur without a trigger. One moment the person seems to be on the road to acceptance of the loss, and the next, there is an avalanche of emotion, and near frantic and anxious begging need for someone and anyone to come to the rescue.

These people often have other underlying psychological issues, and may need help with social relationships. They tend to cling onto others, and often find themselves attaching to those who have given them attention during times of grief. Often they transfer the affection they believe they had lost from the person who has died, onto someone who has showed attention, such as a psychologist, a conselor, or even a well-meaning friend, or even in a fantasy relationship with a celebrity. For these people, the best course of action is to guide them to professional help, in some way. This is especially true for employers, teachers, and others who are in authority, who are often put in the position of caretaker for someone who relies on the "higher up" as means of escape of the grief, and avoidance of personal issues.
(Example comment from someone in this state, "I don't know if could survive this if it weren't for you. If you leave me, I don't know if I can get through this tonight.")

But, most people going through grief are dealing with emotions which are unfamiliar to them, and therefore, are certainly entitled to feel them for as long as it takes. I mean that as it is stated. It may take Joe, a man who has spoken to his mother four times from the time he was five until he was fifty, only a half an hour to recover from the idea that his mother has died. However, Samantha, who has lived with her mother since birth, and cared for her until her mother's death of Alzhiemer's disease, when Samantha was 75,  still has tears, ten years later, when she hears a certain song because her mother would sing it to her. Because each of us has individual experiences, and individual histories, and individual understandings of our relationships with one another, grief has no time line. To ask some person to recover in any given amount of time is simply not possible.

There are, however, helpful things you can do which can assist someone so that the most painful part of the grieving process isn't part of the every day life. If you're an employer, and you need to have someone you hired back at the job within a certain time frame, you can't expect him to take a full year off. If you need him back within three months, and he's still having emotional moments, then you can allow him to have "smoke breaks" in the men's room, and have him talk to the counselor or human resources director about grief counseling services which could be available after hours within walking distance to the office. This way, you are showing that you are willing to provide him time to gather himself, and still allow him some dignity at the office, while still maintaining your office and work objectives. The smallest effort on your part could be the greatest assistance for him.

If you are a friend, who is in school with someone, offer to help someone with her studies. Chances are she might have missed notes, or could need you to help talk to teachers regarding absences. You may even talk about the idea of talking an Incomplete for a semester if she's in college. This way her financial aid won't be affected, and you could help her catch up during the summer. This way, she won't feel overwhelmed by school, on top of the loss.

There is always something you can do to help someone else that is logical, useful, and practical. By offering to help someone with practical issues, you can often help alleviate some of the stress of what he is going through emotionally. The idea is to keep reminding the grieving person that life outside of the pain will continue, and you will assist as best you can. Sometimes she may want you just to listen, and that's okay, too.

People say, "If you need anything, call me". But, often, and more often than not, people who grieve don't call at all because they feel like there is too much pain in their heads to spill out at anyone else. Instead say, "I'll call you at X: o'clock, and you can tell me how you're feeling, okay? If you're hungry I'll get you some food and bring it over at X o'clock, too." That way, you're letting the other person know you're willing to listen, no matter what, and when, and you're going to give them something, and when. There's no mystery. There's no, "If you get around to it", and there's no, "I didn't want to bother you." because you have a set time. If he doesn't want that time or that food then, he'll say so.

Be definite with your assistance. There's already been something unexpected, or confusing in the life of someone who is grieving. Adding another "maybe" isn't being helpful. If you can't help, that's okay, too. If you can just say, "I'm thinking of you, and wish I could more." you're doing something.

Keep in mind, some of us are Atheists, some of us aren't. Don't offer prayers, unless you know. Just offer kindness. Everyone can use kindness. We all need kindness, and we can all give kindness. That's universal.

So, "how long until my friend is done grieving his mother?", is as long as it takes. And in the meantime, be kind to him. It sounds like that they were very close, and he is feeling pretty hurt right now.

Cathe Jones

Currently listening : This Woman's Work Anthology 1978 - 1990 By Kate Bush Release date: 30 November, 1999

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A Piece of a Memorial
Category: Life

On Sunday, I gave a presentation on Godless Grief to members of the Las Vegas Freethought Society and the Halvason group who wanted to celebrate a little bit of Clark Adams life. It was Father's Day, so I started with a little mention that it was a bit of anger in me that he made this a mother of a day, and and he made some people very angry, too. For some, the day was about being able to share their memories of Clark in an open forum, while others are still very raw over the idea that someone with that much going for him would elect suicide as an option.

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

Do you find yourself over analyzing your part in someone's decision in suicide? Instead of asking yourself "WHY" ask yourself "What can I do now?"

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

This is an exercise to help you remember that you have no say in someone else's decisions, just as someone else has no say in yours.

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

• Take out a piece of paper and a pen or paper. Write out three things you will accomplish before the end of the day. Write out three thing you probably won't accomplish by the end of the day. Write out three things that someone very close to you should do, by the end of the day. Ask that person to do one of the things on the list, either that you plan to do, or that you hope he or she will do. Wait.

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

• Tomorrow, write out one thing you accomplished today that was on your list, and write out one thing that you didn't see done, that you or someone else was supposed to have done. Did you disappoint yourself? Did the other person disappoint you? Was the disappointment intentional? Was it personal? Was it something that was a very big deal?

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

• Now, let's assume that the person who killed herself was in that state of mind where her actions, completely her own, were not designed to harm you in any way. She was only deciding based on the state of mind she had at that moment, the best action she had for herself at that time. Did she plan to personally hurt you, or was she only doing what she thought best for herself? Does it matter now?

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

When we try to ask WHY? we are telling ourselves that we should be better than the person who died, when in fact, we can't be. We can't be because we don't have that person's perspective on the issues he or she faced. We don't have his or her life's experiences. We don't have his or her understandings. We can't be better or smarter, or wiser, because we do not know where her head was, and she may have been far wiser with more information than we were party to. She may have protected us, or she may have not thought of consequences beyond. Certainly, as Atheists, we can understand that she didn't feel her soul was condemned. For every WHY, we end up in a circular loop- WHY leads to "Why aren't we good enough to save her?"

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

We can't put that much hate within. We're asking ourselves, "Why wasn't I good enough to be worth staying alive for?" We are not, in fact, the sole purpose for another person's existence, as much as we'd like to believe that to be true. Romance, or parenthood aside, each of us possesses a drive for purpose, and a drive for acceptance. For some self-acceptance is difficult. For others, material wealth is key to success. In my world, I thrive for music, and to help others, and of course, the love of my husband reminds me daily that I do have love, and kindness around me. But, for one of my best friends, being solitary, and spending time with his computer, and on a plane is very satisfying, and to lose that would destroy him. Each of us needs specific things to feel whole. We are not completed by one other person.

..[if !supportEmptyParas]-->

(From the book Atheist Angst- Teenaged Atheists and Stuff)

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK
(1-800-273-8255)

Currently listening : The Impossible Dream By Ronan Tynan Release date: 12 November, 2002

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Clark Adam's Memorial..For Father's Day, why not?
Category: Life

Currently listening : Carry On By Chris Cornell Release date: 05 June, 2007

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Thanks to Joe Crumpler! Atheist Blogroll Member
Category: News and Politics

This blog is now part of the Atheist Blog Roll

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The Right Hilton In the Press
Category: News and Politics

Eric Hilton is not a household name. It is too bad because Eric Hilton is the heir of the Conrad Hilton fortune. He is also doing something no other Hilton in the press is doing-- He's changing the world.

For two years, Mr. Hilton worked with several organizations here in Las Vegas to study the hunger situation. He watched a news story about the millions of people who rely on food banks and shelters and realized there was a failure in the system. Rather than adding another failing bank, or another failure shelter, he commissioned a two year study to learn the best manner to ERADICATE hunger in the Las Vegas Valley. He isn't working on a plan to patch the issue. He is working on the plan to ERASE the issue.

This week, he announced The Three Square Program. Over the next ten years, a food van program will deliver meals to millions of people. He not only discovered methods of delivering food, but he discovered methods of preparation. His organization is cost effective. It's a ground breaking, humanitarian way to provide a human service without relying on public money, and it will work.

There are no churches involved. There are no mayors involved. And, from what I can see, there aren't a lot of national reporters following him around as they are his younger relative, who sits in a jail cell for her less than philanthropic behavior. The question becomes this: how does our society reward those who do nothing for our fellow man with lavished praise and attention, yet give a man like Eric Hilton nary a mention?

My challenge to you is to keep the ideas of Eric Hilton alive. Keep the idea that someone performing an act of humanity should always be on your lips before the person creating a public nuisance. See if it doesn't change your world just a little bit for the better. It certainly has changed mine.

Cathe Jones

Currently listening : We All Go Down Together By Attitude Release date: 23 May, 2006

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Laughter in Grief
Category: Life

Someone asked me, "Is it wrong for me to laugh when I'm grieving someone's death?"

That's a very honest question and the answer is absolutely not. It's a release to laugh, just as it's a release to cry. Sometimes we need laughter more than we need tears. Laughter brings out more for us to heal, than tears in many ways.

For those who were never Atheists from birth, that is to say, those who have grown in households that had some sort of guilt laden religious doctrine taught, there's often a stigma that if you laugh when you're in grief, that the dead person will somehow hear you, and you will, in some deity's eye, rue the day you chuckled. But, for those of us who have grown out of that notion, or for those of us who have never had that "If you do something to irk the invisible, the bad boogey man will thrust the curse on you" training-- we know that it's just not possible.

Laughter is a biological reaction. It's just as valid as crying. Here's a story happened when I was a child, that certainly helped me get through the trauma of being at the funeral of a family member. See if you wouldn't have laughed in my situation:

My grandfather was a very old, sickly man, and rather spindly. He suffered from lung disorders from years of working the rails, and spent his last years spitting what ever came out of his lungs into the milk cartons around the flat in my grandparents home in Mission Hill in Boston. (To this day, I have trouble drinking from milk cartons.) He finally died from emphesema, and was laid out in a casket for a full wake as was tradition in the family at the time. I was eleven, and old enough to attend such events for the first time in my life, so it was determined, for this family funeral, I was to escort my mother to the wake.

We arrived, after several hours of navigating the Massachusetts transit, to a small building in Dorchester, where many Irish people, dressed in many shades of black, appeared in a many stages of sobriety. My mother and her sister were dressed in nearly identical grey business suits,  having called each other before hand. And, I, being at the edge of puberty. was allowed to wear the one adult looking outfit I had, which was a slightly inappropriate black and flowered pant suit, that would have better been saved for a party. But I was a child, and most were aware we were in the process of one of our many life changing court cases between parents...so clothes were the least of our concerns.

I was told to sign a guest book, and have a sip of the pink punch, but to leave the yellow punch for the adults. I had the yellow punch and poured some pink punch into it, of course. My mother walked me up to the casket, and I looked at my grandfather who seemed awkward, and quiet. He was slightly blue, but other than the make-up, he looked no different than he had when he was napping. That was how I remembered him being, and I remembered that  he smelled a lot differently, like a wax museum. The room was very still, and quiet. My grandmother was surrounded by many of her friends, and people were just not saying anything. Frankly, it was dull.

Suddenly, a strange woman with a large orange boa walked in, and she was about the size of a basketball player. She had large blue eyelashes, and purple hair, and she walked up to the casket and kissed my grandfather. Then she came to my grandmother and kissed her too. Then she went up to the men, and started talking to all of them. My mother and her sister went white, and grabbed my hand, and next thing I knew, we were in the basement, in the ladies room---because they had to laugh. They laughed so hard they couldn't do it in front of the other guests! There was this large big orange, pink, and purple drag queen and no one knew who it was--- and she was hitting on the men, and my mom and aunt were so crazed with laughter... the had to hit the girls room!

They NEEDED to laugh. They lost their dad! They were so upset, and so unsure as to what to say, or think, or breathe, or do, for the entire time that whole week, and in walked the stranger... who just gave them the right thing to do! Every few minutes my mother would peer up out of the ladies room, and listen to see if the woman/man was gone or if other people were saying anything... No one had a clue who this was!

We later found out that my grandfather had befriended her as a patron of the museum where he was working security. She had come by for a few shows, singing at the gallery, and was a prominent drag queen act in Boston. But that night, she was the light of the funeral, and definitely gave catharsis where due.

Laughter is needed in grief. It allows the pain to sigh a bit.

When you remind yourself that it's okay to laugh, you're reminding yourself, you will one day feel human again.

CJ

Currently watching : The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert (Extra Frills Edition) Release date: 05 June, 2007

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The Updated Clark Memorial
Category: Life

Updated Information for Clark Adams Memorials
Category: Life

Taken Directly from the Las Vegas Freethought Society Page--(if you've seen changes, please note, they've been due to the discussions at hand, and things aren't necessarily finalized.) To those who have requested, there are two memorials planned in the Las Vegas area for Clark Adams.

The first will take place on June 3rd, at 2pm at a location TBA, and is hosted by the group which he was so closely affiliated with over the last few years: The Las Vegas Freethought Society. Mel Lipman will give the opening remarks for the Celebration of a Life Well Lived.


The second event is hosted by the local chapter of the American Humanist Association, and I will be there as facilitator, or at least assisting as best I can. This will take place in June 17th, at the Las Vegas Public Library, at 2pm. More details are to be announced at their site as well. This event will be a co-operative effort between both the Las Vegas Freethought Society and the AHA, and those who are unable to attend the June 3rd meeting are welcome, as well as those who are coming in from outside of Las Vegas. It's a special presentation on Godless Grief, hosted by yours truly.

Many of you are asking about sending donations in Clark's name. It's been asked that you send any donations you want to make to any local Freethought or Humanist Society of your choice, and if you don't know of any, (are you kidding?), then please peruse my friend's list on MySpace, (myspace.com/godlessgrief), as many exist there.

If you have cards and comments for Jenn Wyatt or Judy Doolittle, or a general card to people from the Las Vegas Freethought Society or Clark's friends and family, please forward them here:

Currently listening : Festival of Atheists By D.O.A. Release date: 06 June, 2000

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