On The First Day Gods Voice Created........Havoc
Current mood: drunk
Category: Travel and Places

So I'm back from the Eighth Wonder of the world otherwise known as the Oktoberfest in Munich,Germany..the Mecca of beer drinkers,the Disney Land for adults,24 days of sheer Bavarian liquid delights,of course there are side effects,for one...my liver is applying for sole custody of my body,last year was nothing short of wonderous,this year was evn better,on the first day(20th September)I ventured into one of the huge tents Hacker Pschorr Brau with some friends and was immediately claimed by some german girls wearing the traditional dirndls...there's something to be said about girls with there tits squeezing out of a sexy dress,it's just the sexiest thing ever...oh with the exception of a naked girl with a flat head so you have somewhere to put your pint as she's blowing you,anyway by the time you have been dragged to a seat you are soaked in beer by the Bavarian Huns dancing on the tables to..this years(and last)Oktoberfests anthem DJ Otzis "Hej Baby...Oooh Ahhh" all up there like fucking sheep except slightly less fucking hairy(the men could have done with shaving too),I have to say when you are sitting down and you have women dancing on the table,looking up is a finer sight than the Alps ...and the great thing is more than a few don't wear any underwear....I'm surprised a portion of the guys don't just sit there wanking all night...apart from me that is,aparently it's frown upon,as is sitting there and pissing under the table because people put their coats and bags under them,it would have been nice for someone to have told me this before I pissed over 5 coats and filled a handbag containing the girls mobile phone,wallet and passport,not that it would have made any difference as the fucking toilets have huge queues and smell fouler than a fucking bat cave,but it was hilarious to me and everyone else watching a drunk Austrian bird looking at a ball of paper mache that after 4 hours marinating in my piss only slightly resembled her passport,I'm guessing Carfone Warehouse won't be repairing her phone on the warentee either,but funnier than that was a drunk Italian guy who thought that was hilarious too retrieving his denim jacket from under the table and putting it on,it was only when he actually go it on he decided to smell it before blowing chunks onto the table where the girls bag was...so just as she had come to terms with the fact that some dirty bastard had pissed in her bag thereby fucking up her holiday,now some greasy Iti hurling a semi-digested meal into her bag reducing her to tears again,it just was'nt her day I guess!!,

Currently listening : Hey Baby Release date: 1999-11-16

12:22 AM - 13 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Wife Beating For Beginners
Category: Life

Why is it you always have an epiphany whilst taking a shit then some twat starts screaming at you......so you get off the bus and try and remember exactly what it was you got excited about,very much the same as with dreams,you have a great one but if it was'nt for the damp,slightly soiled sheets in the morning you would'nt even know you'd had one at all.....So...soap scrapers!!,because all us males(excluding Jolly Judd) have had a girl or two staying over night and who have thoughtfully decided to remove the "beaver beard"(because we casually dropped into the conversation early in the evening that we prefer a shaved clam)so off thier tiny trotters go to bathe and do thier topiary,now the reason I mention this is...I have ben here before,now the mentioned "soap shaver" has probably become apparent to you now.

Last weekend I met someone and we went back to my place,but sadly she got a call and had to leave but said she would come round tomorrow and bring a change of clothes so she could go straight to work from my place,so I thought the least I could do was scrape my bath to make it presentable,get rid of the Asdas own brand shampoo which had already burnt my scalp twice but was great for descaling my toilet,I then splashed out on a bar of Lux soap,my last "stop over" girl complained the last piece soap took four layers of skin off her face and temperarily blinded her for 3 hours,I did'nt have the heart to tell her it was actually a toilet cake I stole from the urinal of a 24 hour petrol station toilet when I was drunk...anyway..so the next evening she turned up with a bottle of wine and an overnight bag and told me to open the bottle and pour a drink while she took a bath,as is the case with all women she took a while,when I say a while,I read two fucking books and painted the kitchen walls!!..and then she had the cheek to complain there was no wine left,how the fuck was I supposed to know it was for sharing,if you buy something for sharing it should come in a "bladder" tucked neatly in a box with a nozzle,anyway the evening was'nt ruined and I decided to be a gentleman and go wash my knob end before sex as a sign of respect and usually after 5 or 6 days it needs it anyway,when I got to the bathroom I nearly shit myself at this horrific sight resembling a ginger rat wearing mange/alopecia combo,after belting it a few times with a toilet brush....I must say a this point..NEVER hit anything with a toilet brush,it dislodges years of shit particles that you manage to move from your toilet to your toilet brush when you've tried to dislodge a turd the size of a German U Boat....it dawned on me at this point,her blonde hair was not real and until 15 minutes early was the bearer of a ginger "kipper trench"(or a Nurse Fiona as it's commonly referred to on Myspace and around numerous cities in Australia)...now me,being a trouper,thought "what the fuck" she's here now,I'll soldier on regardless and dog her anyway,pushing the thought of the hairy soap covered in butt nuggets out of my head I got down to buisness,there's always a little awkwardness when you know what you're gonna do with a relative stranger and it feels a little pre-planned and even though the beaver's bald now,I still have the picture in the back of my mind going down on her it normally looks like Chuckys head from the Rugrats!!!...like when you forget to tell the greasy,acne collecting kid behind the counter in McDonalds to"hold" the gerkin and you get outside,remove it and stick it to the window in a mini protest......then eat the burger,you still fucking know it was there and it kinda spoils the eating experience!!...but you munch down on it anyway and normally regret it,I personally believe ginger people should be made to walk around with a piece of cloth sown to thier clothes with a red circle on it so we know exactly who they are and allow our kids to throw things at them...sorry I'm beginning to sound like a racist tyrant now....but in my defence I also dislike tomatoes,strawberry jelly and films starring Owen Wilson....so....soap scrapers...a great idea,obviously if you're short sighted and live in an area that has a population of red squirrels be slightly more careful...I'm gonna be rich!!! 

Currently listening : El Norra Alila By Orphaned Land Release date: 2008-06-03

10:18 PM - 28 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

A plateau is a highest form of flattery
Current mood: disappointed
Category: Life

My theory is "if at first you don't succeed.....redefine success" after going out with a girl who worked part time...she work 6 hours a week!! and expected everybody else to pay for her on nights out,she had the policy "hard work never killed anyone....but why take the fucking chance",how come poor girlfriends always know the most expensive wines and cocktails??,she was a clever and stunning girl with a great figure but was letting her talents go to waste,but the minute I suggested she should become a hooker she got on her high horse!!,needlessly to say I gave her the elbow in the traditional way,I took her to a nice restaurant,made some small talk and waited til' we got the food,then excused myself saying I was going to the toilet....hopped in a taxi and fucked off,I'm guessing her 6 work hours that week went up by the 3-4 hours it took her to wash the dishes in that restaurant to pay for the meal,but there were more factors than just this,I do not agree with "mixed relationships" and she was a vegetarian,they never work out,ever the critics about "meat eaters"...always quoting the immortal Smiths mantra "meat is murder" blah,blah,fucking blah!!...if God did'nt want us to eat cattle...he would'nt have made them out of meat!!..and for fuck sake have you ever followed a veggie or vegan into a toilet cubicle after they've taken a dump??,the smell's enough to peel the skin off a rhino!!,ok you can guess she annoyed me and I'm off blondes for the moment,it's the third stupid or lazy one in a row...blondes may have more fun...but are they clever enough to know this!!...but this does'nt mean I am turning into a "vaginatarian"oh and don't get me wrong here I am a traditional guy up to a point and paying for meals and drinks I have no problem with,but this girl booked seats at restaurants and still I was required to pay,she had a severe case of short arms and deep pockets syndrome....so I've decide if schitzophrenia beats being alone...I'll plump for that...Ok so I'm not perfect,in fact I have secrets so deep and dark I don't even know what they are yet but come on,you don't have to be from fucking Holland to go Dutch once in a while,they say "money talks" but all mine ever said was "goodbye" when I was with her.This was a stark contrast from the previous girlfriend(also blonde) who was just stupid,looked good,but had the mentality of a gnat,the thing is...you should never argue with an idiot,they drag you down to thier level,then beat you with experience,this lasted all of 5 days and finished when we went out with friends, it was embarrassing to see her sit there with a blank look on her face when we discussed events of the days,coming out with such pearls of wisdoms as,when discussing whether Charles Manson should have been put to death,she said "ok he's a lousy singer,but putting him to death is a bit extreme...and his first name is Marilyn not Charles" or whilst talking about the German language whilst she was at the toilet I mention Santas reindeer Donner and Blitzen derived from the German words "donder and blitzen" meaning thunder and lightening,when she came back my friend said "do you know what donner and blitzen are??" and she said "of course...names of kababs!!!",that was it for me,everyone has the right to be stupid...but she abused all rights,she also accused me of never listening to her...at least that's what I think she said!!.Maybe I should look for my next girlfriend in a library(because I'm banned from hanging around outside of schools)the thing is beauty and brains don't always walk hand in hand and I have said this before,mens judgement becomes seriously impaired when we're confronted with a large breasted woman,apparently 9 out of 10 men prefer big breasted women...the other man prefers the other 9 men!!...Anyway for now I am on a sabatical from women,though this does'nt last long,I do have a soft spot for women....sadly it never stays soft very long.....

Currently listening : Swansong By Carcass Release date: 2004-09-07

7:23 AM - 43 Comments - 28 Kudos - Add Comment

Swinging The Axe The Gentle Way!!
Current mood: aroused
Category: Romance and Relationships

PART ONE

Currently listening : Prime Cuts: The Best of Suicidal Tendencies By Suicidal Tendencies Release date: 1997-06-03

4:47 AM - 27 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Me And Beatrix The Twat
Current mood: enlightened
Category: Romance and Relationships

At some point in the distant past you could tell she had been a beauty,I first saw her in a dirty back passage in the Soho district of London,but fortunately the back passage belonged to sleeping drunk who did'nt feel a thing,she muttered it was where she "hid her drugs",not unlike the squirrel hiding it's nuts..the drunks were sometimes hard to track down again for retrieval purposes,she had striking chiselled features,apparently this was from the chisel fight she had with an Icelandic fisherman who accused her of stealing and concealing a quarter of a pound of king prawns in her knickers,it turn out she actually had hygiene issues and had not changed her underwear since the Carter administration,the gusset solid with smegma had chafed grooves in her thighs which gave her a unique walk which only added to her charm,years on the street had turned her feral,she could not shake the cute little idiosyncrasies like snorting her own urine through a Burger King straw and feeding off the dead skin on sleeping tramps feet,if she had a white tooth in her mouth she would have had a full set of snooker ball colours,her eyes said "help me" her teeshirt said "Pussy...You Are What You Eat" how could anyone resist??,I helped her to her foot(the other one was strapped up for her "wounded in Nam" scam),my offer to come with me and get a warm bath terrified her and she bit right through my leather chaps(resulting in 10 days of deep muscle rabies injections) but because I know that when women say "no" they really mean "yes" I threw her over my shoulder only to have to remove a dirty syringe she had been using to inject water with ground down toilet cakes(cooked up on the bottom of an empty coke can)into her groin from my lower back,she was screaming and kicking,not unlike my last girlfriend(when I say girlfriend I actually only met her that night walking drunk through the park,she came out of the coma andno charges were brought!!,happy ending all round)....by the time I got Beatrix back to my place she had quietened down,my clothes were doused in her aroma...so I took them off,doused them in petrol and burned them,I ran the bath for her,she had by this time gone into buisness mode and quoted me prices for oral,anal and regular sex,with discount for all three,I thought £2 was reasonable but not what I was interested in at this moment in time and pointed to the bathroom...as she disappeared in that direction I made some food before going to check on her,she was kneeling with her head in the bath and had virtually drank the whole lot,after struggling with her to get her in she relaxed but never seemed to enjoy it,by this time the price had gone down to £1 and this she said was her "final offer",I noticed her badly chewed nipples as she got out of the bath,this was the result I found out later of her "entertaining" an "adult baby" who had severe epilepsy often resulting in trismus during simulated breast feeding sessions,she was still trying to seperate me from my money as she bent down to pull the plug out of the bath bringing the price down to 50(but stated she would give me a good exchange rate on the Euro),it was at this point I noticed the "blown ring" and decided if we were going to go that far I would not be using my newly acquired double,extra,extra ribbed condoms out of respect for her and her problem,she had obviously not taken care of her pubic hair and made me think to myself "what ever became of ZZ Top",it amazed me how she had managed to dye the roots of her hair a diiferent colour to the rest of her hair,I ignored the matted ginger pubes and focused on her severely bruised hips she said came from drunkenly dry humping lamp posts to entice punters on the roadside,she was certainly a strange girl,the way she rolled her eyes at me....then made me pick them up and roll them back to her,the price now down to 20p and knowing I had that amount in a coin jar in the bedroom it seemed like an offer I could'nt refuse and standing there naked in front of me,even with breasts like "sand filled socks" I was still feeling horny looking at her scabby knees that had seen more shag pile than a carpet fitter,she led me to the bedroom with the expertise of a London tour guide,sometimes you just assume too much too quicky and as I forced my penis down her throat assuming she would be skilled in deep throating the splattering of hot vomit over my legs and floor proved different,as I looked down at the green,wet mass which contain toenails,a headless hamsters skeleton and a two foot ring worm,I was beginning to think I might not be getting my 20p worth here,but as she got onto all fours,me like a confused snooker player..never sure which to go for first...the pink or the brown thought I will save the best for last and decided to unlace the matted pubic hair and try and gain entry only to suffer a further setback in the form of a very heavy set of labia minora,on parting,seeing the cavernous vagina I decided I would probably gain more friction attempting to try for the urethra or the Skene gland holes,I could see her looking at the clock and thought "fuck it" let's go for the blown hole,years or toilet cake abuse had led to constipation and even though entry was akin to throwing a medium size sausage into the channel tunnel I felt a pleasant abrasive rubbing on the end of my penis only to be put off by her nonchalantly claiming she had'nt shit for 6 days and it felt like a Norwegian pine was up there with the bark still on....this kind of killed the mood for me and as I left to finish preparing the food I had started to make I heard the front door slam shut,I went back to the bedroom and to find my 20p in 2 pence pieces from the jar next to the bed were gone along with a surgical stocking and two magic markers,but what she did leave me with was a lasting memory.............a 7 inch turd in my toilet that refused to go round the bend,even with a toilet brush and brute force,I still think about her now everytime I go into that toilet!!...

Currently listening : Fuck the System By The Exploited Release date: 2003-03-25

4:00 PM - 21 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

The Melting Pot Is Boiling Over
Current mood: angry
Category: Life

Fuck political correctness,I'm sick of treading on eggshells so as not to offend..I recently took my phone in for repair under warranty,I paid extra for this because it included a replacement phone whilst mine was being repaired,for a start the whole work force in the branch of Carphone Warehouse was of Indian descent all wearing a head dress,when I say this I mean turbans as opposed to the feathered type,half of them with limited English language skills the other half with limited social or customer skills,the first sign of problems arising was when they said they needed to confirm with Phone House,Sweden(thie European arm of Carphone Warehouse) to confirm my phone was still under warranty,so they called them,unfortunately none of these spoke Swedish and asked me to translate!!!..I could have said "give him the most expensive phone wrapped in a warm garlic nam bread,delivered by a belly dancer from Delhi" how the fuck would these fuckwits know!!...I settled for just telling them "yes it was still under warranty",the next hurdle was a replacement phone and I was passed over to another Asian girl with a hairlip and huge lopsided breasts which you could not help but stare at,the hairlip made her even more difficult to understand and also made her spit in various directions depending on what she was saying,she was very apologetic about this but by the time the conversation was over I had more froth on me than the head of Bavarian lager,I eventually said to her "I can't understand a fucking word you are saying and I'm guessing even if you did'nt look like a female,Pakistani version of Joaquin Pheonix I still would'nt fucking understand a word you are saying,so can you please get someone English or that can speak English" at this point she dragged her huge lopsided breasts on her "high horse" and said with a speech impediment that would have had the Elephant man rolling on the floor laughing "I'll have you know I was born in England",I'll never understand why people say that,if I was born in a stable it would'nt make me a fucking horse or Jesus Christ,quick to claim you're English,but then block my view of Hamstead Heath with a gawdy looking mosque that looks like it was decorated by a gay pirate!!...minaret jutting up containing a shit singer wailing some dodgy tune 4-5 times a day sounding like a constipated bullfrog with laryngitis,ok...so I get the manager,for this blog we will call him Jai...mainly cos that's the dickwads name anyway,he came over and brought my replacement phone,it was a Siemens MC60,I believe the camera had 4 pixals,so basically the picture you took with this antiquated piece of shit was broken up into 4 mozaic tiles,I took a picture of him when he was'nt looking to show him how bad the cameras quality was and showed him and said "ok what do you think this is??" as I showed him the picture and said "I'll give you a clue,it's not my fucking bathroom floor!!",the funny thing is he actually defended the phone by saying you have to use the "auto-zoom",the auto-zoom on this camera phone entailed you running back and forward to your intended target to try and focus in on it,apart from anything else the embarrassment of answering this phone in public would be far too much for even a homeless person to bare,he then went through the functions in an attempt to convince me walking out the shop with this would do my "street cred" the world of good,at this point he was called away and I was been put in the hands of Imran,who was obviously only working here because he failed the McDonalds interview,I spent 15 minutes giving this guy an English lesson because my only known two words in Punjabi was twice as much English as he spoke and he answered "yes" to everything because he had'nt yet moved onto the word "no" ,I left the shop in an angry mood only to get more angry when I went to Sainsbury supermarket to get a few things before heading home,again many Asians working there too,I went up to the counter to pay for things and the woman behind the counter refused to touch the botttle of alcohol I had in my basket!!!,because of her religion!!!,what the fuck is going on in this country,if you can't do the job fully...then you get a fucking job you can do,I had to wait 8 minutes for someone else to come and ring the price up and put it in the bag for me..when in Rome bitch...I have become totally xenophobic these days,long since has gone the time when you could get on the bus,find an unattended sports bag look around and think to yourself "I'm having that",these days you leave unattended bags alone...I have a theory that anyone in the USA that has been sentenced to death should have explosives strapped to them with a timer and sent to Afghanistan to be involuntary suicide bombers,it works on two fronts..

It pisses me off we intervened when Germany invaded Poland in World War 2 and how do they repay us...they invade us now,ok the prostitutes in the country are slightly better looking since they came but they are doing cheap labour and have taken over the mantle of the Australians whom we all know are genetically engineered to be bar staff,they are slowly nudging the Aussies out of bar jobs by offering to work for pork scratching,bar snacks and beer left by customers,I believe we need the Fatherland to rise again,we'll be good this time and keep our fucking noses out of it,we've learned our lesson this time.Incidently Turkey play Germany in the EURO 2008 football semi-finals...I did'nt think I would ever say this...but "Go Germany",saying that if you look at the German team half of the have Turkish names due to the fact that half of Turkey live in Germany,so it's a case of our Turkish players are better than your Turkish players.....Can someone from a warm climate adopt me please...I'm a good fuck!!!.

Currently listening : Another Kind of Blues By U.K. Subs Release date: 1998-08-11

7:15 AM - 31 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Asian Provocatuer
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Life

I had the honour of judging jelly wrestling at the Devonshire Arms,Camden,London the other day,sadly it was females only,dissappointingly so as I was thinking this would be a great time to commit minor sex offences without fear of prosecution or being placed on the "Sex Offenders" list,the prize for the winner was free drinks and a bottle of Champagne,so I spent 20 minutes before the first bout going round the "fighters" offering my vote for sex,yes,yes I know I am more corrupt than a Nigerian president but my appaulingly low standards are what got me where I am today...wanted in three different Countries!!...So it turned out to be a flesh fest and it was late and the girls were getting drunk,there were three judges in total and although the first bout went against my vote the second one did'nt and while I collected my blow job in the womens toilets from....let's call her "Jen" to protect her anonymity cos if I put her real name Jenny everyone will know who I am talking about,not that this would damage her reputation too much,I know for a fact she has taken care of more cocks than a KFCs abattoir,annoyingly all the other bouts went against my vote as well,apparently the other judges had more scrouples than I and voted for the ones who deserved to win the bouts!!,as I headed past the pool to pick up my beer I pushed past the runner-up and was pulled into the jelly pool by the one I had promised stardom to,so I had a semi-naked girl sitting on my chest with a shaved pussy in my periferal vision and I was thinking "damn I wish my tongue was slightly longer"....then it struck me,my ipod,my mobile phone and my wallet were in my pocket and even with this I was so mesmerised by her kipper trench I could'nt move....until some twat drag her off me.I got out of the pool and grabbed my beer from the bar and headed for a table to empty my pockets only to discover both my new ipod nano was fucked and so was my phone,worse still when I got home I threw my combats on a radiator to dry out and in the morning I went to get my wallet and my wad of money had solidified and was now just a £180 brick,now this may not be the end of the world,I went to my local bank because they have ways of sorting this problem out,they send the money away to thier specialized department,so I queued at the bank and "lucky me" I got a young female cashier who is friends with my daughter and with a loud ridiculous laugh like a fox being abused(don't ask me how I know this sound!!)...she said "how did this happen because we need to know what solutions we need to use to seperate the notes"...so I said "jelly wrestling",I'm not sure why people have reasons to repeat shit at the top of thier voice in suprise...but she said "you were jelly wrestling"...every other cashier along with the customers queueing started sniggering,whilst my cashier was in danger of pissing herself and attracting all male foxs in the near vicinity,I eventually after what seemed like hours laughing managed to get out of her it will take 6-8 weeks if they can seperate the money I will be notified and will get it back...So I'm guessing the whole evening cost me in the regions of £800..fuck I could've bought a jelly pool and paid three prostitutes do that shit in my own apartment AND been satisfied at the length of my tongue while putting enough bodily fluids into the pool to start a rudimentary eco-system....Now all was not lost as I did strike lucky with a Japanese girl called Michiko,the thing is with Japanese girls is although they are pretty(and I still have'nt forgiven them for bombing Pearl Harbour and ruining my fucking birthday...all being it was 30 years before)they are very sexually backwards and shy,this girl knew two positions...on her back...and getting dressed..and even though it was like fucking a mouses ear and my cock felt like it had been chewed by a dog the next day it was hardly worth the bottle of Becks I bought her,whatever happaened to "me love you long time" that we have come to expect from these Asians,I was left feeling more confused and frustrated than a blind man in a fish market......but there's always tonight,I'm off out hunting with a selection of disabilitating chemicals and a stun gun....wish me luck!!!..

Currently listening : Carcass - Wake Up and Smell the Carcass Release date: 2001-06-26

7:22 PM - 8 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

From Wet Dreams To Annoyed Screams
Current mood: aroused
Category: Life

I'm like everyone else,I never remember my dreams very well,most can be judged by the erection I have,which if you have'nt got time to get rid of it by conventional measures...ie:walloping your cod,you then have to stand over the toilet for 10 minutes waiting for it to at least go "semi" so you don't piss half way up the wall and on the ceiling,whilst trying to remember how you got the fucking thing in the first place...you can't imagine Martin Luther King Jr standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington saying "I have a dream.....but I'm fucked if I can remember what it was"..I have fragmented memories of some parts of my dreams and I think we are obviously influenced by what we do or what we think before we go to sleep,a few years ago I had a wierd dream about me being at a scat party and allowing a ginger haired,heavy breathing stripper with third degree burn shit on me,only to find out she had a shared bathroom with a nun and my old headmistress who by and large(incidently she was Bi and she was large)was a puritanical ogre...so there I was "gagging" over the smell of the shit and unable to use the bathroom in fear of being caught by her neighbours in this delicate position,there was a knock on the door(in the dream) signaling me to wake up only to find my 3 month old sons soiled nappy(diaper) stuck on my shoulder,which backs up the theory dreams are influenced subconsciously.

Currently listening : XX By Mushroomhead Release date: 2001-12-04

4:27 PM - 11 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Beauties & Thier Beasts
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Life

Ok can someone explain this bizaar trend to me...Julia Roberts did it with Lyle Lovett(he's one ugly motherfucker.),Lianne Rhymes did it with that midget who bares a striking resemblence to "Dopey" one of Snow Whites co-workers....and oh my God!!!....The Artist formerly known as..(and still is) "Sexy Bitch" Shania Twain went and married Mutt Lange(the guy whos face could launch a 1,000 Shits..),madness I tell you...Ok even Celine Dion,who lets face it..is no Cleopatra..she has married a 300 year old sex offending dwarf that looks like Stadler(one of the old hecklers out of The Muppet show),lets see if your heart really can go on when been anally raped by a 3 foot pensioner!!.So why are beautiful starlets(with the exception of porky Lianne Rhymes and the..."last time I smiled my own dog bit me....cos it did'nt recognise me" Celine Dion)miss-matching,it's freaky ....And to top all this off Angelina Jolie has gone and done the same fucking thing,she's found herself a talentless ugly tosser!! and decided to have some real kids of her own that she did'nt have to kidnap from some third world country,she only needs a green kid and a brown one and she can play snooker with the little fuckers..you know...if she'd have played her cards right she could've had me..but I am officially out of the running now,so she need'nt bother come crawling to me when she finds out Brad Pitt is actually a cross dressing,gay cabaret artist who's real name is Drab Spitt...fuck it Ang...you had your chance and you blew it(excuse the pun),...And if they're not marrying Shrek...they're marrying his talentless brother...look at Jessica Simpson,granted she's not the most gifted singer in the world,in fact listening to her music is like being gently tapped on the forehead for hours with a ball hammer.....it's fucking torture,but damn she knows how to market her body,then she marries little know singer/rapper Nick Lachey,for fuck sake after 20 years of being laughed at and ridiculed by black people over Vanilla Ice,this twat wants to set us back another 20 years,just what we need!!!!...And lord have mercy,one of the worlds sexiest women,German super model Hiedi Klum,the star of many of my wet dreams went and married a guy who face is so badly pox marked that if a blind person was to feel his face..it would say "ugly fucker" in braille,yes I am talking about the black singer Seal and to make matters worse she actually got pregnant and had a baby by this guy who would give the Elephant man a run for his money,so she's literally had a baby seal......and after seeing the pictures...it fucking looks like one .....

Well they say "it ain't over til the fat lady sings" and right on queue Lianne Rhymes is on MTV....Shalom Alekum

12:16 AM - 16 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

£665.99 The Price Of The Beast
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Life

We all know that if a bird shits on your car....never take her out again..Yesterday I was out drinking with a very pretty 22 year old French girl who has a very classy job that requires she does more hours a week than an 8 year old Cambodian in a Nike factory..at about 7pm she said to me we should go back to your place so she can get an hours sleep and go back out again,I will mention she had only had 4 pints of pear cider at this point but of course I'm just thinking "bed" equates to me fucking her whether she likes it or not...but the subtle signals were promising...like the blow job on the bus...then things took a turn for the worse as I unloaded in her mouth....yup she felt sick and ran for the door of the bus which was closed due it being still in motion,she had her hand over her mouth but you could see fluids dribbling through her fingers,I could see the fluid pressure was building and she was not going to make it to the next stop,I judged the eruption to perfection and as she doubled up to puke I grabbed a little kid and placed it in front of me...not unlike the Serbs did with civilians in the war..she adjusted projectection to avoid totally covering the kid(who's mother tried to headbutt me) when the doors opened and managed to blow chunks and vile smelling regurgitated cider over a crying girl on her mobile and an Pakistani carrying a prayer mat(I'm guessing this was'nt on his list of requests to God).typically she was like a dog at a flea circus...she stole the fucking show..and I'm like...how do you apologise by proxy to a NOW hysterical girl who was probably trying to get back with the boyfriend that dumped her and now smells like a tramps buffet and my cum(I'm thinking I could be impeached for her dress) and an angry Asian who has probably now lost his faith and will have difficulty explaining to his very religious family why he smells of alcohol and jizz.....DON'T APOLOGISE....do as I did... denied I knew her,she was still busy camped on some steps still swilling down the pavement like a burst water-main,not even her "cider" wet teeshirt and hard nipples were doing it for me at this point...but as they say every cloud has a silver lining and I did get to fuck her...granted she was in a drunken sleep at the time but beggars can't be chosers and I did have the respect to check her pulse on a few occasions..I then left her in my bed and went back out drinking..

This week in general since coming back from The Spring Festival in Munich I have had more than my fair share of mishaps and awkward moments,last Tuesday I was with a female friend in a supermarket and she was saying at 36 she should be having kids and I was pouring vitriol on the idea and said to her "what's soft and brown and found in a babys diaper/nappy.................. Michael Jacksons hand"....only to turn around and see two big black guys...who then wanted to school me in what Jackson has done for music(I was tempted to remind them what he had done for male Afro-American male babysitters...but decided to let that one lie) and then school me in the art of making a head twist 360 degrees in one easy move...I cleverly escaped a beating through my razor sharp wit,cunning skills......and paying for thier shopping..

Gods Voices Law...If Murphys Law can go wrong it will..I got back from the Spring Festival in Germany late Friday night and slept for 15 hours...as soon as I woke up I thought "fuck it" I'll go for a beer....so I called up a few girls I knew and asked if the wanted to go to the Devonshire Arms in Camden for some beers all four turned me down because of prior commitments...so I went on my own anyway only for three of them to turn up in intervals of 30 minutes out of the three...two did'nt get on with each other from a previous time and two did'nt know each other,so one left after a big arguement of how I had not made her feel special after she had cancelled her plans to be with me that night,so I get back to the other two who have been bonding and I'm thinking "hmmmmmm...this could go in my favour" they are both open minded...but alas some open minds should be closed for repairs...one of the girls decided to go home with one of the barmen and whilst I was at the bar being told this three very large punks had occupied my seat and were removing my last option..but like they say "sorrow looks back,worry looks around and faith looks up so I took the lonely fat girl in the corner home because she looked like she'd be grateful..that's the kind of generous guy I am..So....I have shared my life with you again...I feel purged and will leave you with this.....

What do you call a Muslim flying a plane????

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A pilot you racist cunt.

6:29 PM - 18 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment