Musings from a barf bag....
Current mood: content
Category: Romance and Relationships

sometimes when it strikes you to put pen to paper on an airplane, you grab the nearest closest piece of paper you can.

when it comes to these matters....

      those belonging to the heart;

it all seems so impermanent.

and so often i see the end before

      it has even begun.

this path i traverse so circuitous and unwieldy.

what of the answers, the explanation,

      the understanding.

when will wisdom clarify my emotions and

     their meaning.

and my walls hold their stead;

fierce and firm, refusing to crumble.

escape to breathe...

and my being is lost in the night,

      in the sky, in the stars.

hold my soul gently

      and with reverence.

for it is as fragile... as it is deep.

Currently listening : Flavors Of Entanglement By Alanis Morissette Release date: 2008-06-10

12:37 PM - 12 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment

Breathless and biting my lip...
Current mood: adventurous
Category: Romance and Relationships

It is SBT Thursday! Yay!

We exchanged conspiratorial glances, the winks of collusion; your angelic smile hid your devilish grin. As we boarded my bare thigh grazed the worn, soft denim of your jeans. I reached down to pull my knee socks back up. They had slid down my calves as they were oft to do; but secretly I was grateful as I allowed my eyes to take you in – so slowly – my gaze longingly working its way up.

You sat down and glanced at the empty seat beside you. With little hesitation I took my seat, too. We sat quietly,

waiting

wondering

imagining

                   and anticipating;

surrounded by people, parcels, donuts, coffee, book bags and someone's tattered lunch sac.

I leaned closer so that I might absorb the scent of your soap and the smell of horse stables on your jacket.

          I closed my eyes and envisioned the feel of your soft 

           wheat tresses curling at the nape of your neck; of 

          grasping them tightly in passion enclosed hands. I

          saw myself nuzzling my lips upon your ear, slowly

          stroking the lobe with my tongue and nibbling

          playfully with my teeth.

You tugged gently at my skirt and as my eyes slowly drifted open, you smiled, and I knew it was time.

"Pardon me," you said.

You slipped your arms around my waist and pulled me slowly toward you

                   "Excuse me," I said as I made my way to your lap.

I leaned my back against your chest so that I might feel its broadness and your strong chin buried within my golden locks. Gently lifting my skirt, I arranged it just so. You placed your hands underneath, so strong, callused and coarse; squeezing my thighs and pulling me close – gently you slid yourself within. I gasped, surprised and yet so very pleased.

It was then we began to move with the music that played in my mind.

Slow drumbeats thumping a consistent rhythm.

Your hot breath upon the back of my neck, tickling and teasing me slowly and purposefully.

The bass riffs fading in and out.

I smiled and noticed the bus driver's glances in his rearview mirror, so I closed my eyes and began to chew on my thumbnail as the bravura of sound thundered in every cell of my body. The chords of an electrical guitar began screaming and pulsating, faster, then slower, then faster

and faster.

The strings slapping and whining with intensity.

Then the notes, an affrentando, driving a climax of instruments with white hot heat into one final fermata.

Breathless and biting my lip, the soft trickle of piano faded slowly with each shudder as I relaxed and laid my head back against your shoulder.

Sighing as the music faded, I opened my eyes and allowed the passing landscape to lull my senses to a calm.

Then I overheard the announcement for the next town, the bus driver requesting that anyone departing must please exit the rear door. I stood and smiled at the other passengers as I made my way up the aisle and off the bus, winking at the driver in the rearview mirror with a sly grin.

MORE SBT's RIGHT HERE!

Currently listening : Greatest Hits: Postcards from East Oceanside By Paula Cole Release date: 2006-06-20

4:20 PM - 26 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

From the Diary of Dirty Diana...
Category: Romance and Relationships

It is Sex Bloggity Thursday, it has been awhile for me, but my BFF is the hosty host - so chuh - a girl must post.

Sex Blog Thursday

My hands caressed the warm metal. It was slightly slippery in my clenched fists; the perspiration beading up like dew as I rubbed my hands up and down its length. Working my fingers back and forth in order to get a better grasp; I laced them together cupping the polished surface.

Lifting my legs, I tensed my thighs and wrapped them as tightly as I could around the thick pole's circumference. Clenching fiercely with my muscles; I gently released my grip with my hands and I lay back so that I felt the sturdy metal along the length of my back. 

When I looked up, I saw the lights flashing in their spasmodic dance and they seemed to flicker to the beat of the bass guitar in the background. Swallowed by the music filling my mind; I closed my eyes and the beat tingled all over my body. Swirling through my hair and across my face, gently caressing my sweat dripped chest and tickling my erect nipples.

As I opened my eye, I looked up to see you standing over me; with your eyes twinkling and a curl upon your lips. I smiled and let go of the pole, righting my stance upon the stage. You raised your hand and with money playfully wrapped around your fingers you beckoned me to follow you. I took your hand and we upstairs to the private lounge.

I gently closed the door and led you to the overstuffed chair in the corner situated next to a small round table that sat upon the surface of the floor.

As you leaned back, I took my place on the table before you and teasingly removed my lacey red thong. Soaking you in; I pulled my body close to you and let my soft golden hair tickle your cheeks and your neck. With gentle lips, breath and my soft tongue; I tugged on your ear and explored the smell of you.

Gyrating my body to the transic rhythms of the music, I rubbed my breasts slowly brushing them against your chest. Tracing your arms with my hands, sliding them slowly, gingerly, I reached your thighs. With teasing curiosity, I pulled your legs open, firmly holding your knees far apart.

I followed the length of your body with my lips, breath and my tongue, until I found myself between your legs. The lull of the music and my touch caused you to close your eyes and deeply sigh. You reached for me and grabbed my hair and pulled me to you and I placed my lips upon you. I could hear your deep moans. As my kisses and caresses increased in their pace and intensity, I heard your breath quicken. Your skin began to quiver and become warm under my touch. I used my hands and my mouth to drive you to a frenzy of need and as you pulled my hair, reaching and tugging with your fingers in its soft curls, I felt you convulse and spasm. Moaning and sighing with a glorious relief.

Slowly you began to open your eyes and you looked down at me and smiled.

"That was some dance"

you said, as I sweetly straightened your blouse and pulled your skirt back down to your knees.

You offered me the money and with a giggle, I kissed your beautiful sensuous lips and said,

"No thanks, this one is on me".

1:59 AM - 34 Comments - 40 Kudos - Add Comment

A polychromatic world of diversity...
Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

What GOD is...

GOD is within my children.

GOD is part of my soul.

GOD is a sunset over the Rocky Mountains.

GOD is in a smile.

GOD is in a kiss.

GOD is in the sound of ocean waves and in

        the tickle of a cool breeze.

GOD is in my heart when it aches, when it

        misses, when it is empty and when it is full.

GOD is in the hand that I hold when I share a prayer.

GOD is in the stars that I lay under at night.

GOD is in the laugh that my best friend and I share.

GOD is in the questions, the wonderings

         and the why?

GOD is always behind, in front and beside.

GOD is in my tears when I let them fall and

          in my very deepest sigh.

GOD is in the music of life, in every beat, every

          note and every score.

GOD is in words, thoughts, motion, movements,

          memories and sound.

GOD is on the other side of every shut and

        open door.

What GOD isn't....

                            GOD is everything.

Currently listening : Plans By Death Cab for Cutie Release date: 2005-08-30

9:23 PM - 5 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

Leavening as we speak....
Current mood: fermented
Category: Life

my mind such a strange, foreign and powerful planet. at once as expansive as the universe and then with the brilliance of a supernova it collapses into a finite darkened empty space.

thoughts trailing paths in my mind, wanting to form into ideas as permanent as the constellations themselves. permeating noise full of fear and doubt, burning bright with rigidity. rejecting emotion's desire to recant, recapture and recast.

like the search for the origins and the edge of cosmology; my cool breath like invisible finger tips trying to connect the befores, the nows and the laters. floating, then running with hastened pulse. searching for the why, searching for the what if.

filaments of notions, reflections collapse with a weight that is turbid. why can't i cleanse this space, rinse it and give birth to something new?

my mind is cool and crisp. it tries to quiet my heart. it folds time in its vast and endless space. it silences the past and hushes the future. it permits the now, it remits the present.

Currently listening : Raoul and the Kings of Spain By Tears for Fears Release date: 1995-10-10

7:50 PM - 13 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

April
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

April 1988

2:15 PM - 18 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

Macy’s 99 Sale (cuz you know then the boys won’t read it)
Current mood: sad
Category: Romance and Relationships

Sometimes when you go to the Macy's 99 sale, you may find a dress on the rack, a dress made out of the finest silk and taffeta. When you try the dress on, the fabric brushes your skin in such a way that you smile from head to toe. It brushes your skin in such a way that your body almost hums beneath its drapery. 

But then, you discover a small flaw in the stitching underneath and it begins to scratch you. At times if you shift yourself disproportionately, the pain from the scratch is temporarily relieved; but you can only distort yourself for so long before you realize that you are only comfortable in your natural state. Thus, regaining your posture, the hidden flaw within ensues its painful scratching.

So, with a deep sadness you remove the frock and place it with gentle care in your closet with your frocks of days gone by. As the days pass, gradually turning into weeks, you find yourself peeking in your closet again. Temptation stirs within and you reach to caress the silken threads, you ache to feel your entire existence esconced in the garment's touch. 

But after a short time the flaw within the stitching causes a pain that is unbearable and you know that you must retire the frock once again. You may do this several more times before you realize that you must find a dress with an inside and out perfect fit.

With a tentative heart you return to the Macy's rack, you search amongst the silks, the satins, taffeta, linen, brocade, long, short, dark and brightly colored. You select a few and discard others. Carrying them to the dressing room. Some you try on in a state of bravery; testing their look, their swish and especially their feel. Yet you leave Macy's emptyhanded.

So you go home and crawl into bed with a box of tissues and you watch Drew Barrymore as Cinderella. You remember that you once told your best girlfriend that all you wanted out of life was to care for your guys, deepen your faith in GOD, cherish your friends, find personal career success and continue moving ever forward.

But then.... you realize that it just isn't quite as fulfilling unless you find that "fits just right" Macy's 99, the one that one day you will be wearing in your very own Ever After.

*hmmm.... maybe I should just start shopping for a pantsuit instead?

just sayin.....

Currently listening : A Rush of Blood to the Head By Coldplay Release date: 27 August, 2002

11:35 AM - 48 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

Uh.... Oh.....
Current mood: crappy
Category: exhausted and yuckity yuck! Life

I am sick.

I don't like it, I hate it really.

For me, it means hours spent unable to busy myself to sanity.

It means hours spent quietly inside my own mind and the

thinking is convoluted,

thickened,

dripping in congested muckity muck,

 over analyzing,

hot and feverish,

confused,            HEAVY and regressive.

I feel vulnerable, frustrated and weak. I find that my mind will process the past, the future and the present. I am home, I am not at work, I can barely lift my head, I laid in the shower and cried and I can hear my dad's stern, yet loving voice echoing in the back of my mind.

"You are a XXXX, you work, you go to school, you meet your responsibilities! Unless you are bleeding from every orifice or you are pronounced dead."

That was a mantra that carried me through years and years of my life. A foundation for my work ethic, a basis my life-long evolved extremist view of the world. The guilt, the misery, the shame that I felt and sometimes still do when I fall short of the mark.

But whose mark is it anyway?

This got me to thinking about all of the things that I haven't owned that I thought were mine,

Expectations

Dishonesty

Greed

Bias

Prejudice

Selfishness

Guilt

Fear

Shame

and the things that I do own that have taken a lifetime to claim.

Peace

Serenity

Sanity

Love

Humility

Honesty

Faith

Growth

Calm

For 14 years I nurtured and nourished a relationship with a little blue Watson numbered 540

Generic Name: Hydrocodone, Acetaminophen
Strength: 10 mg, 500 mg
Manufacturer: Watson Pharmaceuticals
Trade Name: N/A
Type: Analgesic
Class: RX, CIII
Size (mm): 15 X 7 X 7
Comment: Image courtesy of 4andsic. Imprint Watson540

I thought I owned a work ethic within this relationship that was unstoppable. I was never late, never unavailable, never absentminded, never unfaithful, never, discourteous, greedy or unkind to him. No, not ever, not to HIM.

How, did it happen? Was it the extreme view of right and wrong that I grew up with? and my inability to adhere to it wholly and completely? Or my guilt, fear and shame when I didn't? Was it a work ethic that left no room for the happenstances of life? Was it the expectations that created an inability in my life for the occurrence of mistakes?  Did I fabricate these impossible parameters of behavior for my life? Or was I exposed to these things and in evolving ownership, I sought out the people, places and things that would nurture them and then vindicate me so that I could say -

See! That is why I am the way I am –

then I could self-satisfy myself with every guilty pleasure and run and hide from what I had become.

It took me 14 years to finally claim,

 "my name is Karen and I am a grateful drug addict".

All in all it took 19 years to believe that I am greed, selfishness, fear, guilt, shame and all of the other horrible things that I had become. It has take over two more to realize that I have owned these things and yet they are not really mine. Now, I can let them go, shake them off, return them to whence they came.

It has also taken a little over two years to realize that I can finally claim some sanity, some peace, some love and on my very best days some calm.

In the last couple of days I have also come to believe that I can rightfully claim..

"Hi, my name is Karen and I am a grateful drug addict/alcoholic".

So I will rest, surrounded by my tissue, zicam, Dayquil, 7up, toast, electric heater, rufus, favorite pillow and I will remember that it is okay to

let go of that which is not mine,

to claim that which is and

to be (for now) a little in between.

I just realized this blog is not my usual funny or silly self at all. Deep stuff for a little of my lighter side, go here

THE LAST TIME I WAS ICKITY SICK!  

Currently listening : Happy Pills By Candlebox Release date: 21 July, 1998

10:11 AM - 42 Comments - 30 Kudos - Add Comment

Non-bilingual need not apply.....
Current mood: rushed
Category: Really freaking busy, for serious.... Jobs, Work, Careers

Hey if you needed to learn a language in like a month and a half so that you could get a "just like your same job, but newer and improved and even betterer; with like permanancy and benefits and stuffity stuff like that" job -  

how would you go about it?

you know like if you couldn't travel to that country and study intensely for a few weeks; due to budget restrictions, kids, needing to work, needing to renew your visa, junk like that.

and you weren't sleeping with anyone foreign,

so there wouldn't be any intense bilingual study between the sheets.

....well not of languages anyway.  

just sayin....

anyone ever learned a language for a job or a trip or something?

you know like lickety split?

whadja do?

por favor?

Currently listening : The B-52’s By The B-52’s Release date: 25 October, 1990

12:35 PM - 35 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

caffeine free diet blog...
Current mood: amused
Category: gigglicious and stuff... Blogging

the blog with less fat

less calories

and less content.

uhm, okay so i have about five minutes.

i will time myself - alright, ready, set, go...

1. If your car sounds like a green (the color of my car)

version of   ,

 (maybe because the muffler and the catalytic converter are broken) and everytime your kids get into it - they