Exausted and Fulfilled

Today was exausting! Woke up at about 1130. Met up with a couple friends and hit the mall. I hate the mall, but I wanted better clothes to dance in for my RAW tryouts tonight. The mall gives me terrible anxiety so it was a huge struggle trying to find something. I didn't find much, but I didnt look that hard. All i could think about was getting out of that rat race. I was worried about worrying too much, so i was like "LETS GET THE FUCK OUT!!!" So we did. I headed to my tryouts. They went by very smoothly. I used all the energy I had left there, and I'm pretty sure it was definately worth it. I feel like I made the team, but won't find out for sure until 9am tomorrow morning. After intense practice and performance for the judges, some fellow dancers and I went to Brocco for a couple drinks and Quesadillas. The food was amazing. The service was okay. Infact, the past 2 times I've been out to eat, I felt like the servers were unsure of what they were doing. I feel like that sometimes, especially when I'm talking to guests and they don't respond. Thats the most akward thing. Anyhoo, I always tip phat so, whatever.

11:09 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

What Have You Been Up To Anyway?

It might be possible that some of you may want to ask me that question, while others have asked and not payed any attention to my response. I'm going thru a huge change in my life right now. Major, but very subtle. I'm becoming much more introverted, insightful and intellectual. I really have no care for simple and mundane nightclub chit chat. I don't even really desire to go out in public, unless for something I need. Traffic is too congested and everyone is afraid of each other. A simple "excuse me" is so silenced by the thought of offending someone, it makes human communication next to impossible. How offended can someone get by "excuse me" ?

When I go out and meet new people, I kinda wonder what the fuck I'm even going to say to them. I think if people truly interested me, I would find something, but most people don't. This may seem very stuck up and rude, but I see it merely as being on different levels. Hell, I hate the word levels. Living different lifestyles is more like it.

I personally feel very different from most people, but constantly learn that I'm much the same as the rest. I work, laugh, cry and masturbate just like everyone else does, right? Okay maybe that was a bit much. But you get what I'm saying, right? K, cuz I barely do.

Right now I'm working 2 jobs. One of which I love and one of which I don't think I'll be able to stand much longer. It's not that I need the second job, I just prefer to have the extra $100 a week. I've got goals that will cost me some serious dough. I'm doin what I gotta do. I've been under some stress lately, but I think the mental struggle will be worth it. I know what I'm doing is right, I just need to learn how to process all the things goin on.

Workin at Tx Roadhouse 30hrs a week. Workin at Taco Bell 16hrs a week. Hip Hop class 1hr a week. Hip Hop rehearsals 2hrs a week (hopefully). Sleep 56hrs a week. When do I actually have time to release all this stress?

Estimates: 4 days a week I work from 11a to 11p ish, between both jobs. Luckily I get Wednesdays off from both jobs but I have dance class that night. I'm also considering squeezing in time with a counselor for 1hr a week just to bitch and whine about my crazy life to someone who is indifferent. I also need time to meditate, write music, run errands, do house work and read/study. There goes my fuckin Wednesday. I'm really trying to get Sundays off completely from the Roadhouse. I got sunday nights off, but sunday mornings are gone. I need to prioritize. ON PAPER!. Sorry babies. Somethings are just better done with pen and ink, so you wont be able to see this feat i am about to accomplish. But I promise to post any outcome of it.

~~Later on~~

So I'm coming very close to the 23rd Anniversary of my reincarnation. I think this number and time has a lot to do with this shift in consciousness I'm experiencing. I am no longer the socialite I once was. I see myself as becoming more withdrawn and introspective. I know what I want right now. I want more time enjoying myself and learning more about what is inside me. I love my friends very very much and will always be there. But kickin it is not a high priority for me, but still, it is a priority. In no way would I ever want to completely shut myself off from the outside.

Work, music, sprituality, self improvement, clearing debt, self love and stability are of highest importance right now. Please understand and respect that, and don't stop calling me just because of this. I want to hear from you. I'm just really really busy!

Anyhoo it's time for some sleep
Much love and respect
Adamus the Great

9:39 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Raw Anticipation

So its about that time. Time for the MDC R.A.W. (Racy and Wild) hip hop dance team tryouts. Right now I feel like i should be streching and practicing and all those other things, but i know I need to save ALL of my strength, even my mental strength, so I'm not gonna put a lot into this blog.

As of the past few days, I can literally see myself making the team. One thing im spooked about is that once I get there, I might freeze and get anxiety. There's gonna be a lot of people there and my dancing abilities are going to be judged. I have not had my talents and skills judged in a long time. I've not actively been competitive in a long time. I hope the attitudes of my past resurface within the next 24 hours, and my confidence swells up from my roots. I truly believe that being on this dance team is a huge part of me being back in south dakota. I may be without a compass or map for a week or two if I don't get on. But, until then I'm going to focus my energy towards the good. Expect the best, and prepare for the worst.

I'll keep you all posted on local, regional and national competitions/performances. I hope to be doing a lot of traveling soon with this. I also hope to get in better shape!.

Peace
Adamus the Great

9:27 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Don Julio and The Freezing Rain (LIVE!!!)

I may have cut back quite a bit with my drinking lately, but right now cutting back just isn't enough.  I need to quit all together.

Friday night was my first night I've been able to go out in quite awhile, without worrying about making it to work the next day, so I pushed my limits, unintentionally.  I started off with a couple mixed drinks of UV blue and MinuteMaid Lemonade(r).  We made it to the bar, I made my rounds and had brief chats with all my friends there of less than face value, once again.  Nothing has changed.  Tequila sounded like fun,  expensive tequila.  And what goes better with a nice shot other than a nice cervesa?  So Don Julio and Corona it is (with a lime of course).  I had 2 of those little fiesta bevs, followed by a Jagbomb.  Thats all.  I shouldnt have gotten so wasted on so few drinks, but I did.  My friends I came with went home.  I was just gonna walk back after the bar closed, but I got invited to a party.  This party made me realize how fucking stupid people are.  Well, not the party itself, just the bitch who escorted me out the door for talking in a british accent when, in fact, I'm not British.  She was probably offended (and drunk) since my British is not quite up to par.  I would've been ashamed of myself too to believe that I was actually from England.  She grabbed me by the arm, chewed my ass for being "fake" and lectured me on how being fake is such a terrible terrible thing.  First of all, I had no intention of convincing anyone that I was from england.  I just like to talk the accent when I drink.   Most everyone had talked to me in the past before anyway.  So I guess she felt singled out.  Stupid Bitch.

Anyway I'm out the door and its freezing rain.  I couldnt have been at this party for more than 30 to 45 minutes.  I stumbled all over downtown for at least an hour with no coat or anything to keep me warm.  I'm lost.  I had gone at least 10 blocks in the opposite direction.  I remember trying to get into my car, that wasnt even there, it was someone elses.  After I had realized that I was completely in the wrong part of town, I began walking in the correct direction.  But I'm pretty sure I made a wrong turn again.  Im soaked and freezing, and I remember thinking.  If I dont get inside, I might die.  The streets were completely void of people and nothing was open.  I was freaking out and crying.  I was too drunk to work my cell phone to call for a ride.  Not like anyone was awake anyway.  Im sure it was about 330 or 4am by this point.  I saw a hotel a couple blocks away.  I darted for the door.  Nuzzled up next to the heater in the door way and waited to sober up.  I know I dozed off pretty quick tho, anyone as drunk as I was (and a slight case of hypothermic shock) would have instantly.  I woke up to a police officer standing over me.  I was actually quite releived by this just because I knew that wherever he was going to take me would give me a place to sleep.  It wasnt jail tho, he made that perfectly clear.  I just had my first detox experience. 

I spent most of my waking time reading the Bible.  That's right bitches!  THE BIBLE.  I know the entire life story of Abraham!  I learned why jews are circumcised.  I learned about the tower at Babel.  There's some really interesting stuff in there.  Lot's of animal sacrifice tho, and plenty of mysticism and witchcraft as well.

Anyway babies!   I will talk to you all soon.  I'm going sober!  I gotta.  So I don't kill myself some night.  I blew a 0.2 when i was arrested.  Thank Ahua I didn't make it to my car, cuz I prolly wouldve drove.

Love Everybody!!!
Adamus the Great

5:48 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Wasted and Wasteful
Category: Parties and Nightlife

Coming to an age when alcohol is no longer a social tool, but an occasional form of self medication, I’m realizing, through boredom and meditation, that life and the border of comlete social isolation are much more interesting when you refrain from practicing self-stupifying activites like drinking in bars where the most intelligent conversation to be had is between you and the plastic cup of gin and tonic water that you are complacently stirring.  I can’t remember the last time I was inspired to evolve by someone in a bar.  As a matter of fact, I can’t remember even a semi-pleasing conversation I’ve had with someone at all.  I’m at a point where fun is no longer child-like.  Fun is had by advancing, learning, challenging and creating.  I have a night out and always wish I had stayed in.  I stumble home at 2am, wake up with a hang over, stretching for my wallet, peering in only to feel a sense of wastefulness.  I feel like $40 to $100 was thrown away, and all I learned is that I fucked up again.  That is truely everything I feel the next morning.  Wasted and wasteful, along with a case of Sunday Butt.

The most fun I have in a week is on a wednesday night.  The night I have my hip hop dance class from 9 to 10pm.  Everytime I set foot in that studio, I know that I will advance at SOMETHING and come out having learned something new.  There’s a sense of accomplishment there that alcohol and the bar scene just doesn’t carry, and at this very moment I am wishing I could get back all the money I’ve drank over the past 2 years.  I’m pretty sure I’d be filthy rich.

Now don’t get discouraged all my bar hoppin’ homies.  About once a month I do get the urge to go out and just have some fun.  (Twice if we’re lucky!)  It’s just that lately I’ve been much more introverted and studying myself.  I know I might seem it in public, but I AM NOT DEPRESSED.  I’m exactly how I tell you I feel.  BORED.  Bored, bored, bored, bored, a little drunk and bored.  I’m just not much of a socialite.  Nightclubs just aren’t the place for me.

I’ve looked at myself directly in the eye and asked myself  "What is most important to you?"  I listed back "Well, first, my religion and spirituality.  Then, my creativity.  After that?  My health, and my job of course.  My family and friends....".  I found it interesting that family and friends came so far down the list.  2 or 3 years ago they would’ve been the very first thing.  I guess I’ve become much more independent.  All of the above are very very important and appreciated factors in this life, for sure. 

When I asked myself  "What do you want?"  I drew blank.  I really have no idea what I want out of this life.  I have no long term goals what so ever right now.  I do, however, have short term goals.  I beleive I am at no loss tho.  I know once my short term goals are accomplished, my long term goals we gather out from the mist and present themselves in full clarity. When the short term goals have been accomplished, identifying and working toward my long term goals will come with great ease.

12:50 AM - 4 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

A Simple Change Is Worth The Time

Tonight, I was blessed to have spent some much needed time with a great friend of mine.  Since we havnt seen each other in at least 2 weeks, we decided to do something different.  We first went downtown and walked to a new bar called Monks.  Fairly upscale beer and wine bar.  However the bartender that served us came across as rude.  Later, it was us that may have been found guilty of misunderstanding.  While there, we heard of a local music show that was going on at a bar to the North.  The live bands were amazing.  In general tho, it was great to spend time with a dear friend, just doing what friends do.

2:09 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The Heavy Color Beneath an Alcoholic’s Eye

I've noticed over the past few scope-outs that I find this trait (this blog's title) to be very attractive.  The most initially appealing guys ive seen lately are drunk and dehydrated.  They're overloaded with sadness and lost in their private Long Island paradise.  I figure one of the major attractions to them is to try to help them find enlightenment, and then 3 months or fewer find that I'm there object of lust rather than love, slowing being molded into the perfect scape goat. On the rare nights that I do decide to go dancing, I've always grooved to the beat of a guy with a slow heart beat and smokers cough.  Then I end up like this.

11:23 PM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Whoa

So here I am again, once again, doing what I did the last time I did it. The background is beautiful but the words bewilder their packaged delivery. Sign on the line, sign on the line. I'm proud in knowing that we'll all be just fine.

12:23 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

This is it

Right now I'm fucking pissed off. I am so frustrated with things I can't even explain this, yet as an artist striving to be heard, I personally and spiritually feel obligated to post this blog. The past few days have been spiritually enlightening. I've re-realized who I really am, noticing I've always been the same person, and there is nothing wrong with that. I have a firm grasp on what I am here for and what my purpose is. And although I may not be able to technically fit the stereotypical and superficial label of what I am, I still am what I am on the inside. This falls significantly under the tag of a musician. I know that I am not currently a musician, nor do I have the tools to be a musician. To hear from others mouths that that makes me "not a musician" or more offensively "a fake" pursuades disbelief and no less, any small amount of encouragement. I love music! I love writing music. I am very gifted at it. It's not easy being in the position I am in as an artist. I have enough self-disbelief as it is. I know enough myself that I am wasting my life, and put myself down continuously out of habit. No one, can I turn to , for empowerment anymore. I have no means of communication to the outside (independently that is). I'm sick of this filter. Sick of so much. I miss my life and independence. Also . I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SAY THIS!! I AM NOT A FUCKING FAKE, OR A POSER, OR SOMEONE DYING FOR ATTENTION. Maybe a little attention is needed. I'm sure the bold statement my contradict what I am saying, however it may be necessary, as I am terribly annoyed with being judged. This is and outlash. I am severly close to emotionally throwing up from being so sick of my current position, mixed with lack of support. Every human with a dream deserves support and respect. I know mine is out there, but it has become very very (and again) very distant. I feel I am now completely on my own. At this hour, I don't recall ever feeling more alone. This is going to be resolved by Imbolc (Feb 2nd, also known as Groundhog's Day). I still have my personal motivation and aspirations to rely upon. And I am a very strong person. Perhaps as I let go of my stubbornness and embrace the many doors available with the Growing Year, I will once again be independent. I hate this, right now, I fucking hate my current position. Yet in the past Dying Season, I've learned to embrace it and learn from it. This is life. Mine and Yours. Growing, and learning from Death.

Peace and Love to All

Adamus the Great(*)

12:47 AM - 3 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

The Planes Just Aren’t the Same

While looking against the elaminated paperback landscapes of a published portfolio based on the state (of mind) that is Montana, I found nostalgia playing my mind like a golden timpani with organic felt headed mallets. Contemplation took over my mind, altho slightly buzzed. I repeatedly asked myself, "Was my time over there?" or "Was my departure in vain?" Why did I even leave to begin with? I never really was able to identify exactly what I would have been looking for in Minneapolis. Maybe it was a relationship, or a career in music, or a lively circle of friends. I guess these prizes in life are available anywhere these days. However, I found myself miserable in Missoula, and now I want it all back. I want the cruddy apartment, the small group of 3 or 4 friends, or maybe I had more friends than I realized. I figured most people I considered my friends didn't want anything to do with me, even tho I considered them some of my best friends. Kolby and Ben were definitely 2 of them, and of course Colin and Kate. Even Estha, I considered her one of my best friends, only because i knew i could go to her for anything and she would understand. it may not be this way for all people, but for me, if you are a wise and spiritual, understanding person, i consider you a best friend.

Now I'm in Sioux Falls, and if it weren't for my job, I would be completely miserable. I've lost my sense of individuality. I've become complacent, almost to the point where I am merely disposable to anyone. I don't have a lot to offer except an ear and a heart. In times, that doesn't seem like enough, but what can I do right now? I am trying to move forward and become a person, as I always am. But, what really composes that which we identify as a person? I really have no idea. I guess I always just narrow it down to the four basic elements: earth (a body), air (a mind), fire (a spirit) and water (a heart). If you ask me, I'm very well comprised of those 4 qualities, and all are fairly attractive entities in this Universe. I think one thing I lack sometimes is only confidence.

Im gonna go smoke quick.

I miss Big Sky country for so many reasons. Not for the simple things that are easily enjoyed on the Great Plains like a good job and the simple life and dozens of beautiful apartments to choose from at a low price. I miss the scenery. I miss my fellow Pagans. I miss.....I don't even know what else. But I know those 2 things alone mean a lot to me. Montana was the perfect place to embrace my spirituality. I feel as tho if I was a little more motivated I could've had the perfect life there. I wish I could go back right now, but I refuse to go anywhere without being financially ready. That is my purpose in the midwest now. I got a credit report and found it wont take much at all to get myself back to zero.

I will be in Missoula for 2 weeks this summer, and I'm going to do everything I never got to do while I was there. Perhaps that will help me move forward with my life a little more.

I have so much love for Montana. Love I never knew could exist for such a place of such low population. Maybe thats what I want in life. Mother Nature! Simplicity! These things harmonize with fulfillment for me in a way. Not big city life. Not $40k a year. Not a major gay scene.

Anyhoo, Montana, my love. It's time to read my next chapter in "A Witches Guide to Life" and sleep before working a double shift tomorrow at the Texas Road House. Take Care all of you who read this, and all of you who don't.

With much Love and Respect
Adamus the Great!

12:06 AM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment