It’s almost Easter!!

I love Easter. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s because its promoted as a kid’s holiday full of candy, and magic bunnies. But it’s also one of those randomly scheduled holidays.

It’s not a specific date like Christmas. It’s always a Sunday, and it’s usually in April, although not this year... they say it has something to do with Jesus. Which I dispute, there are already a few ’Jesus’ holidays. Christmas, and New Years day...(*I consider it a ’Jesus’ day, because I usually spend it on my couch, nursing a hangover, muttering ’Jesus Christ, why did I drink so much.... and how the hell did I get bubblegum in my pubes?’).

Easter is about candy. Festive, pastel covered candy, like the sweater, the rich jock douchebag in every 80’s movie ever made wore. Candy that looks like it’s seconds away from shoving Ralph Machio in a locker, or giving Corey Feldman a swirlie. Candy like that kicks ass.

I dig the holidays that started out as religious, and now are about cartoon characters. LOVE THAT!

You tell me what’s more believable.

A guy that gets killed, shoved in a cave, left to rot for a couple weeks, comes back to life, pushes a boulder aside and comes back to town. Then people all rally around him, and kiss his ass as the ’savior’. Keep in mind this was BEFORE the invention of Altoids, and Right guard!! How happy do you really think they were to see a dude that smells like a corpse with breath like a camels ass on a hot day? I’m guessing he wasn’t the most popular guy at the Spring dance.

Or,

A magical bunny that hops around pooping out colored chicken eggs full of chocolate.

I’ve gotta go with the pooping bunny. Cuz, frankly I’ve seen bunnies hop around an poop. Jesus sounds like he looked and smelled like a hippy, and they can rarely get people to make eye contact, let alone proclaim them as Messiah’s. Something tells they might have ’embellished’ on the number of followers he had.

Anyway,

Happy Easter!

May the Magical bunny Poop you a basket full of treats!

6:55 AM - 9 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

Anatomy of the ROCK FACE.

Rock stars have been around for decades...and the day the first rock star appeared we soon glimpsed the first really stupid Rock face.

Rock faces come in all shapes and sizes, and I am in a position to laugh about this because I myself am guilty of this cringe inducing phenomena. It's a {mostly} completely subcoscious response to concentrating really hard on a difficult piece of music, unless you're in Poison...then it's a carefully manufactured pose to incite the aging soccer moms to get their panties all a twitter, (or a twatter as the case may be).

There are as many types of rock face as there are rockers. In fact, the rock face is not even limited to Rockers. Even the emo kids, and alt rockers have jumped onto the bandwagon in their own Man-scara tinged pouting. Here are a few of the more popular rock faces, for you to practice. Soon you can expect a visit from homeland security, or at least qualify for Handicapped Parking.

The Grunt

The 'Your Daughter is How old?'

The 'I can't believe it's not butter'

The 'What's more fabulous..this note, or my hair?'

The 'Who Farted?'

The painful dump

The 'Thank god I don't have to sell SHOES anymore'

The 'So Easy, a Caveman can do it'

The 'Holy SHIT, is that what I look like?'

The 'Prison shower Rendezvouz'

The 'I better clench or I'll shit my pants'

The 'Too late'

so, there you go. Practice your rock star face and live the dream.

5:33 PM - 12 Comments - 20 Kudos - Add Comment

ADD & ME

CNN Has a little blurb on their site today about 'Young People who Rock'.

Today, it's about Blake Thomas. An 18 year old who wrote a book about living with ADD called "ADHD & Me: What I Learned from Lighting Fires at the Dinner Table."

He has a cute little anecdote about setting fire to the table. Sounds like a heartwarming story about overcoming adversity...wait. No it doesn't. It sounds like more liberal bullshit excuses to shift the blame for the behavior of an underachieving child.

Let's be honest, this kid didn't write the fuckin book. If he DID write it, and he actually HAS ADD. The chapters would be titled like so:

1. Living with...Look, a bird.
2. Math is hard, ...but I rule at Guitar Hero.
3. School work is a.....

And the rest would just be empty pages.


ADD is defined as "difficulty attending or focusing on a specific task. People with Attention Deficit Disorder may become distracted within a matter of minutes. Inattentive behavior may also cause difficulties with staying organized (e.g. losing things), keeping track of time, completing tasks, and making careless errors."

Hmm, your kid has been diagnosed with ADD, but he can still get to level 5 on Halo, and has the most complex MYSPACE page you've ever seen? Guess what, it's not ADD, it's a lack of self discipline. His ADD only displays when he's doing something he doesn't want to do? Yeah, I'm sure it's legit..he obviously needs medication so you're not ostracized by the rest of the bitchy Soccer mom's you have lunch with.

9:08 PM - 11 Comments - 18 Kudos - Add Comment

The Oscars are over....RATED!

It's Monday, and I'm having a hard time staying awake. Much like watching that snoozefest last night.

Remember when the Oscars was about movies that people had actually SEEN? Fuck, that was cool. I'm not going to rehash my rant about the crap up for Best Picture. Except to say that Atonement only won like 1 award. I think it was for 'Most Pretentious Crap'. Jesus, the only way they could have made that MORE unappealing is if they cast Gwyneth Paltrow in it, or a scene with John Malkovitch and Gerard DePardou naked oil wrestling. What the hell? There's not a single movie about ninja's, lesbians, or Car chases. Fuckin Academy.

Jon Stewart did a pretty good job, but too much political bullshit, and dude, basic comedy 101, don't laugh at your own joke and totally blow the punchline, you dipshit. Although he DID have a few funny moments. Suggesting Nicholson would knock somebody up before the end of the night, and the bit about Teen Pregnancy made me smile. Nothing like Fuck references to make Middle america squirm.

Those fuckin painful musical numbers were pathetic. If THOSE are the best original songs that movies had to offer, I'll take 3 minutes of a Car alarm. 'Happy Working Song'? What kind of fantasy bullshit is THAT? If some bitch started that high pitched whine fest anywhere near my cubicle, she'd get a staple in her fuckin Larynx.

A Cartoon about a Rat that cooks? They already have that, its a reality show called 'TOP CHEF'.

Now, is it just me, or did they have WAAAAY too many flashbacks to previous oscar moments. I know they're trying to show the history of the Oscars, but seriously, all it did was illustrate how todays 'event' pales in comparison to the years past.

Oh, and that french chick that won Best Actress? What the fuck ever. Why is it always Oscar gold to take a really hot chick, and make her into a fuckin Uggo? Seriously!!  It's like giving a guy a role as a retard. It's overplayed, just move on.
Film editing to 'The Bourne Ultimatum'?!?! Are you fuckin Kidding me? When did 'SIEZURE' become a talent? Asswad. If that camera work was any shakier, I'd expect the Cameraman to be Michael J.Fox.

I hope next year is better.

6:07 PM - 4 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Oscars are coming, The Oscars are coming!!!

Wow, this year is a very tightly contested race for best picture between a bunch of shit that I haven't seen.
 
There will be blood: Looks cool. Anything with Daniel Day-lewis as a psycho sounds like it'd give me a total violence boner, but it's a fuckin period piece, and it's about oil....snore.
 
No Country for Old men: Tommy Lee Jones, one of the kids from that shitty 'young riders' show a long time ago, and a guy that looks like the kid from HR Puffenstuff 40 years later, with the same haircut. But it IS a Cohen brothers movie, so I'm sure there'll be a scene where Steve Buscemi gets decapitated. Thats always entertaining.
 
Juno: A comedy about a 16 year old getting knocked up. Sounds like my sophmore year in High School when Angie Bean got herself preggers. Yeah, it was a real hoot. Knee slapper, cuz Harold Mcneigh was dating her, and turned out it was Danny Logans kid. A real laugh riot, that. I'll probably see it anyway.
 
Atonement: I am SOOO glad that this film was nominated for Best Picture. For no other reason than I can now honestly say 'I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN COMMON WITH THE VOTING MEMBERS OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS'. Just the preview makes my testicles cry.
 
Michael Clayton: Yeah George Clooney and that albino chick from Narnia... I'll be waiting in line for THAT thrillride....PASS. 
 
They're saying that ANY of these movies could easily win Best Picture, and thats just fuckin SAD. I mean there isn't even a single movie where Hilary Swank gets beaten to death. That's ALWAYS Oscar gold for christsake.
 
 
I mean, if you want a frontrunner movie that will be an easy win, just ask me. I'd be happy to script a movie about Alien Lesbian Ninja's that save the world from Rosie O'donnel's annoying and fat lesbian army,by shooting lazers out of their tits...but they have a tendency to overheat..and then they have to cool them down with ice.
 
I was thinking of Casting Jessica Alba, and Scarlett Johansen...but then Alba got knocked up, so I was thinking I'd have to give her part to either Rose McGowan, or Isla Fisher, or Rachel McAdams, or the entire cast of the Victoria Secrets show...but I'd have trouble with the casting until they had a 'Cast off'...that somehow ended up with me, without pants........
 
Wait, what was I talking about?

5:10 PM - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

A matter of trust.

We've heard the old addage 'Innocent until proven guilty'.

Well, I have another one for you. 'Blind trust is for fuckin retards.'

Anyone who thinks David Blaine, and Criss Angel have superpowers are morons who shouldn't be allowed to feed themselves anything other than pudding. It's not as difficult to convince people that you're 'touched by a higher power' when you control the environment. Personally I'd LOVE to see Criss Angel wetting his pants trying to levitate when they have panoramic cameras catching him from every angle, ...I'd like to see David Blaine try to escape from a pressurized airlock surrounded by sharks, while the Mythbuster guys laugh hysterically at his soon to be lunchmeat ass.

Personally I don't care about Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens or that track and field snatch. Sports has always had a history of cheating. Why do we continue to give them the benefit of the doubt by letting them use the 'Honor system'. That type of trust needs to be earned on a case by case basis, and certainly not where it directly affects MONETARY GAIN.

Otherwise, I'll just show up at Lottery headquarters and tell them, yeah I had all those numbers, but I lost my ticket...No, really, my dog ate it. I'd like my $14 million in hundreds please. What do you mean you have to look it up on the computer?? You don't TRUST ME??...You would if I played for the Yankee's!! I call discrimination. I wanna talk to Jesse Jackson!

Let's be honest. There are only 2 times when lying is acceptable, and they both involve sex.

i.e..

1. No honey, that skirt makes your ass look GREAT.

2. Of course I'm a Race Car driver, let me buy you another drink... do you live close by?

well, ok, maybe some of you will need to lie to your kids and tell them that their cacophony of crayon scribbling is a high form of art and deserves to go on the fridge....which will hopefully serve a dual purpose of giving your little waterhead some much needed self-confidence, and scaring you away from the chocolate cake at 2:00am when you wake up with the munchies.

All I'm saying is that trust should be earned. Otherwise we're just waiting in line to get fucked over.

Until that day, I'll just remain pleasant and polite to everyone, sitting here with my 14" schmeckle. Waiting for some emails.

Yeah, its really 14"....what, don't you trust me?

5:59 PM - 6 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Ode to my Balls!

People talk about their 'Best Friends' in almost reverential tones. Eh, cool, whatever. A best friend is great for getting drunk with when you're going through a shitty break up, or getting drunk with you when you're out trying to get laid, or getting drunk with you when your team is in the playoffs, but other than trying to Cock-block you with the red head with the amazing cans in the tight sweater where the fuck is your best friend when you run out of toilet paper after dropping a colossal deuce?
 
Where is your best friend when you're buying the 'Chick's who love Midgets' DVD and your card is declined? I guarantee you they ain't anywhere NEAR that sitch... unless you've got a fetish for Jerking off in front of your friends dressed like Snow White....and trust me, getting dried cum out of a ruffled skirt is no picnic. ...ok, moving on.
 
The point is, I'm a lot more attached to my balls, and not just in the strictest sense of the word. I have literally spent HOURS in a day making sure my 'boys' are as comfortable as I can make them, everything from carefully arranging them so there isn't any stray hair tugging, to making sure my briefs are Downy soft.
 
In fact, have you ever tried to play 'dress up' with your best friend? Which one of you wears the PVC thong and the ball gag? That's what I thought.
 
My point is, if you were to give THAT level of consideration to your (so called) best friend, he'd be very uncomfortable. My balls have never complained. So the next time someone asks if they're your 'best' friend. Tell them to fuck-the-hell off. My best friends are twins and their names are Lefty, and dangly...you should all pucker up and give them a kiss.

4:39 PM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

The Wisdom I had at age 8.. Versus NOW!

At 8:
Girls have Cooties.
 
Now:
Girls have Cooters. Much, Much better.
 
 
At 8:
Carrots taste like ass.
 
Now:
Duh!
 
 
At 8:
The only thing stopping me from taking over the world is the availability of ACME rockets.
 
Now:
The only thing stopping me from taking over the world is  my distraction with porn, laziness, Homeland Security, and did I mention Porn? Yes Hailey, I love you! ;-)
 
 
At 8: The entire world was a 6 block radius with my house at the center.
 
Now: The entire world would fit in Paris Hiltons biscuit...and the world smells funny.
 
 
At 8: Toy Stores are the coolest place in the world.
 
Now: Music Stores are the coolest place in the world.
 
 
At 8: Kiss are made up of Super Heros.
 
Now: Kiss have long since dry humped any semblance of cool they possesed.
 
 
At 8: Pushing a girl down is a great way to show her you like her.
 
Now: Not pulling the blankets over her head after farting in the bed is a great way to show her you like her.
 
 
At 8: Cartoons are completely plausible, and you should be able to jump off the roof of the garage with nothing but an Umbrella to use as a Parachute.
 
Now: Porn is completely plausible. You should always expect random hotties to spontaneously begin blowing you in an elevator.
 
 
At 8: It's really funny when your dog starts humping the leg of your friends..but they get pissed when you laugh.
 
Now: It's really funny when your dog trots out with a pair of your girlfriends dirty underwear at dinner parties...but they get REALLY pissed when you laugh.
 
 
At 8: You can't wait to be 'grown up' so people can't tell you what to do.
 
Now: You wish could laugh at how dumb that idea was.
 
 
At 8: Parent's always yelling at you for running around in your underwear.
 
Now: Girlfriend yelling at you for always running around in your underwear.

5:51 PM - 6 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

Does EVERYTHING really need a Website?

Don't get me wrong. I'm all in favor of technology, and there are a ton of really useful websites.
 
Moviefone.com
Google.com
girls-who-blow-donkeys.com
 
But does DR Pepper require it's own website? Really?
 
And Necco's? Seriously?
 
What could they possibly need to post? I'm pretty sure the nutritional facts are listed right there on the package. Could there be a long lost BBQ recipe that requires Coke Zero to work its magic? Doubtful.
 
 
I swear to christ if Gummibears.com doesn't have something even remotely more interesting than names for the bears then what's the use?
 
If you can think the dullest, most basic product, and do a search, I bet you'll find a fuckin Website for it....let's give it a test. How about...Saran Wrap?
 
http://saranbrands.com/
 
It has a 'TIPS' section...as in tips on HOW TO USE FUCKING SARAN WRAP!?!?!? Now, I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure it's a thin sheet of stretchy plastic used primarily to cover food (*yep, tips 1-13 all refer to covering food), and suffocate babies (*I may be wrong, there isn't a single reference to baby smothering on the site...Hell, I'll have to write it in as a suggestion!)
 
Holy shit!! There are 'Real Life Stories!' Let's look at a couple.
 

5:04 PM - 7 Comments - 16 Kudos - Add Comment

Yeah, God is all about the love...douchebags.

9:06 PM - 7 Comments - 14 Kudos - Add Comment