Existing isn’t Living

"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." - Fight Club

Work is work, not good or bad, it isn't much of anything... it just is. That pretty much sums up this entire year actually. I can only speak for myself, but I would say that this year has pretty much sucked so far. Last year had it's ups and downs, but for the most part it wasn't as pointless as this year has been. Good or bad last year was one thing or the other. When things were good (a rarity I will add), things were good. When they were bad, well, you know where I'm going with this, when they were bad they were bad. This year has just been. I've just existed this year, nothing more. That's pretty shameful if you ask me. The worst thing is that I notice that everyone at work is also just existing. That's not the fate I want. Work is work, but life should not be in the margins. If this is the way you want to live then so be it. I rather not. I'd rather just jump off a bridge or in front of a truck than have to live simply existing.

I haven't heard any news about the house in Bakersfield. I'm pretty sure we're not getting any offers for it, what with the economy tanking. It's super frustrating because I just want that damn house sold already. At this point I'd take pennies on the dollar, but still no one is offering anything. I'm to the point that I'm just ignoring it. The property tax will be coming soon and part of me thinks, "why even bother paying it?" I don't want this stupid thing. Maybe I'll just give it to my father's "actual" family. I've already voiced my indifference towards my father. Right now I wish he hadn't left me that stupid house. It's complete worthless to me as it stands right now. The money, well, I definitely need it, but I certainly don't want it. To have that house sold is to finally be free of a certain element. I'll finally be able to just cut off that part of my family once and for all. It can't happen fast enough.

And now, an open letter to Baja Fresh.

Baja Fresh, I have eaten at your establishment for the last time. Friday August 22nd I walked from work to a local food court and thought of giving your restaurant one more chance. I've eaten at your establishment a few times, each time disappointed. I'm not entirely sure why I gave your place so many chances to disappoint me, but I have. As I was saying, I went in and ordered the taquitos hoping that perhaps I could find something among the many bland things on your menu that I could actually find tasty. I got my taquitos and before taking a bite I tried the small portion of rice and beans that comes along with it. One taste and I knew I was going to be completely disappointed with the rest of the meal. Beans and rice is one of my favorite dishes, but the ones I was served were bland and undercooked. I tried adding some flavor to them by adding one of your salsas, but that didn't help at all. I then moved on to the taquitos, which I figured wouldn't be that bad. I've had taquitos from the freezer section of the market that have been good. Suffice to say I have NO idea how your concoctions can turn a style of food that is flavorful and a favorite among many into a banal and flavorless joke. Not only will I not visit your establishment ever again, but I will discourage others from going. Taco Bell, which has no basis in authentic Mexican food, is a thousand times better than Baja Fresh. Thanks for nothing.

That being said, on to something else. I've been writing lately, something I hope will be my masterpiece. I'm pretty much giving it my all. I will have nothing else to write about after finishing this project. I'm leaving it all on the table. What am I writing about? It's hard to just say it because it's really just everything that I think needs to be said, but isn't. I vent here, to my friends, to just about anyone who will listen. But, to put it in the whole is different. I think you can best describe it as the grand unifying theory of why everything sucks. Yeah, that's what it's about... how everything is ruined by someone, how there is no god, and how the world is doomed. Pleasant read huh? Yeah, I hope you buy two copies.
End Communication.

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Same Bat Channel

I haven't updated in a month because there hasn't been anything to update... like is boring. A day to day sameness whose boredom was finally broken on Thursday when some crazy guy at the library told me I was being noisy, and then threw a dictionary at a co-worker. I could tell you the whole story but that's pretty much it. Though, the exiting part came when the office manager called the cops and the guy resisted arrest. The police took him out in handcuffs. This guy shows up every day and heads right for the dictionaries. He takes a few of them to a seat and "reads" them until closing time. He always wears a pair of old earphones, and always gives everyone a dirty look.

Let's run down some of the stuff from the last couple of weeks I didn't get the chance to write about before now.

I saw "The Dark Knight the weekend it came out and it was wonderfully dark. I actually have tickets to go see it tomorrow at the IMAX again. The first time I was sitting too close because I sat too close to the screen. I got to the theater late and that caused me to have to get a bad seat. Fuck. Tomorrow I'll remedy that mistake.
As far as a critique of the movie, it's really the best of the comic book movies so far. "Iron Man" was a cut above and "The Dark Knight" was a cut above that. These two and "Spider-man 2" are the best of the genre.

I went out to get a bite to eat after work a couple of weeks ago. The girl taking my order was super surly, to the point that I actually got a good laugh at her attitude. But then it hit me, she's completely miserable. To the point that she can't hide it anymore. I've yet to get to THAT point, so she must be like ten times more miserable than I am. For the next few days I looked at people at work everywhere I went, the bank, the store, etc. I came to the conclusion that EVERYONE in this town is unhappy with their jobs. I mean honestly, why wouldn't they be. I'm sure the girl at the fast food joint didn't see herself working behind the counter taking orders from dimwits all day long for a pittance. Hell, I don't have the greatest jobs in the world, but at least I'm not doing something that makes me completely miserable... only somewhat miserable.

Speaking of work, I was given a friendly talking to about barriers and knowing the limits of my duties. Especially since my actions have been stepping on toes, I guess. Now comes word that we are going to be having mandatory meetings every three weeks. Mandatory means even though I'm just a bump on a log at these meetings I still have to show up. Worst thing about this particular meeting schedule is the time of the day they are being held. The meetings are being held at 9 a.m., on days I should still be at home in bed. I'm going to have to arrive FOUR hours before my shift starts, and twelve hours before I clock out that evening. It's so stupid to have me drive out there only to have an hour meeting and then force me to kill three hours before I have to start work. And there's no way I'm driving back home only to turn around a few hours later. That's such a waste. But, if they want to make these meetings mandatory I'll go and just sit there not saying a word. They want to pay me to sit there I'll do just that. When the meeting is over I'll get some lunch and go to the park, or sleep in my car or something. Stupid.

At my other job I know that I'm not the apple of anyone's eye. I'm pretty sure they think that I'm a anti-social bastard that says stupid things. Truth is, I don't want to socialize. OK, partially don't want to socialize. I go there to do my job as best I can, nothing more. I know they know I'm one of the best pages there already, if not the best. I get all my tasks done without attitude, and quickly. I actually try to do the work correctly, which is more than I can say for some of my co-workers. Long story short, I do good work, but that's not enough. I have to socialize. Since I don't go doing that I'm in the dog house. I don't even participate in paying dues for our little monthly cake eating session. The managers try to create some sort of family environment by feeding us cake a couple of times a month. But it's that horrible cake from crappy Ralph's. The whole thing is like a film put on a continuous loop. The cake will come out, everyone is forced to take a slice, and then eat it. One of the managers will take a bite and proclaim the cake to be "delicious." But it's not, no matter how hard they try and sell me on the idea. I force it down and then get back to work.

I went shopping with my Aunt the other day. After getting what we went out to buy she wanted to find some comfortable shoes. So we went to the few shoe stores the mall had. I haven't been shopping with a woman in a while now. In the past I would sit in the "husband's chair" and wait until the shopping was done. Every other guy there had to do the same. But now, thanks to the miracles of technology guys having to wait around stores for their women to finish shopping have gadgets to keep them from wanting to blow their brains out.

Gomez's Hamburger is a protoplanetary nebula, or a star that is in a state of evolution immediately before the true planetary nebula stage. Its official designation is IRAS 18059-3211. It can be found in the constellation Sagittarius, and is estimated to be approximately 6500 light-years away from planet earth.

It was discovered in 1985 on sky photographs obtained by Arturo Gomez, support technical staff at the Cerro Tololo Inter-American Observatory in Chile. The photos suggested that there was a dark band across the object, but its exact structure was difficult to determine because of the atmospheric turbulence that hampers all images taken from the ground. The star itself has a surface temperature of approximately 10,000 °C (18,000 °F).

The "hamburger buns" are light reflecting off dust, and the "patty" is the dark band of dust in the middle.

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Attrition Week

My car, the Joe-mobile, is in this shop right now suffering from a bad fuel pump and an electrical short. Thankfully it's being fixed. Having to deal with the car dying on me, and the distance to work, has taken a mental toll on me this week. I haven't been able to sleep much because of having to wake up super early to take the bus to work. Also, on Wednesday I got home from work at just before midnight, only to turn around and have to wake up the next morning at 5am. Suffice to say I'm beat. Thankfully Friday I took the Joe-mobile from the service station I was towed to on Tuesday to my mechanic. The guy at the service station couldn't find the problem after working on it for two days. My mechanic found the problem in a couple of hours and told me the car will be ready by Saturday morning. I wish I had taken my car straight to my mechanic, I wouldn't have suffered so much the last few days.

The car dying on me pushed me to a bad place where I was just feeling low. I think it's being deprived of sleep that took its toll on me the most. Not being able to think straight caused all the little things to go wrong this week. While the little things going wrong isn't so hard to handle, the accumulation of those small things can be as hard to deal with as one huge problem. I thought about how I felt this week and at times I wanted to call it the worse week ever. But that wouldn't be accurate. Death made certain weeks in January and March the worst weeks I've had to deal with. But the accumulation of things did put this past week up in the top 10 of worst weeks I've had. It's because I just felt that NOTHING was going to go right this week. Perhaps this will mark the end of all this bad shit... for this week anyway.

I've been reading the book "The Last Great Fight" by Joe Layden this week. There's a great quote in it attributed to boxing writer Larry Merchant that I want to pass along to you. But first a little background if you're not a boxing fan. Mike Tyson was the baddest man on the face of the earth on February 11, 1990. That is until James "Buster" Douglas pulled off what is considered the greatest upset in boxing history by defeating the mighty "Iron" Mike Tyson. It stands as one of the great moments in sport, and a true watershed event in the heavyweight division.

"Buster Douglas was a guy who pulled off the unthinkable, who for once night in his life, for whatever reason, galvanized all his forces to be the best he could possibly be. To realize his fullest potential, he had to endure the death of his mother; he was separated from his wife. And yet he seized an opportunity instead of being intimidated by it and taken down by it. That's a great story in itself--that a guy had that in him. We all want to believe we have that--whether it's a B-level writer who writes the masterpiece, or the painter who paints the masterpiece. For one moment in time, his talent and the opportunity and the inspiration... there's a confluence between all of those things that makes for a mighty moment."

9:17 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

High Definition

Sunday June 15 - I haven't written mainly because there hasn't been anything to write about. The days are now bleeding into each other, with nothing much changing but the locale. The only thing that I'm excited about right now is the arrival of my new 40" Sony HDTV tomorrow. All the reviews call this THE best TV. I'm dropping two grand on it, it better be the best. My old TV had a good run, but it's now really on the fritz. When I turn it on it takes about five minutes for the picture to come on. I have been counteracting this by turning on the TV, leaving the room to do something else, and then coming back into my room. Sadly these days the TV image also goes out when I change the channel, or switch the picture in picture display. And, since by this time next year I'll need to be upgraded anyway, I bought the new TV now. My old XBR had a good run, 15 years. When I bought it it was one of the sharpest TVs you could get at the time. But today the tube is going and every channel looks like I'm watching through cheesecloth. So yeah, thanks for the memories old XBR.

Other than the new TV my life has been uneventful. I'm putting more time into writing though. Sadly right now my writing consists of outlining what I want to write. Which is not a bad thing actually, because a good outline is the first step towards good writing. But still, part of me really doesn't like outlining. Still, I think that this will be finally the book that I've wanted to write. I've gone to school, honed my skills, learned what I think it bullshit and what I like, and I'm ready to distill it onto the page.

Work is going as well as expected. Glendale's city budget is projected to be in the red for the coming year, so they asked all the city departments to cut their budgets. This act affects me in that my hours will be cut for the foreseeable future. I've already been told that my hours are being cut by 25%. Which isn't as bad as some people. Though my hour cut is bigger in percentage, some people were cut more actual hours because they worked more hours than I did. I've had more than a few of my co-workers say that they are seeking second jobs. I'm lucky that I already have a second job. My decision to not put my eggs in one basket has paid off right now. When I started at Glendale library they offered me 30 hours a week. I had already committed to 19 hours at San Marino though. If I had taken all those hours, and not have split the hours nearly evenly between the two jobs I would be fucked right now. Another thing that worked out for me is that while Glendale is cutting my hours San Marino gave me a raise. So the fewer hours at Glendale are going to be sorta balanced out by the raise.

A year ago at this time my cousin's wedding was about three weeks away. Everyone was excited, especially her. Today, this past Monday actually, she announced that she is having twins. What a difference a year makes.

Monday 17 - So it's been two days since I wrote the above and yesterday was high definition day with the arrival of my TV. Here's a picture of it as I tested it using Star Wars Episode IV, A New Hope.

4:48 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Perspective

I haven't written in 25 days, according to the Diaryland profile page I just logged on to. Since I last wrote a bunch of stupid stuff has been happening, and here's the catalogue.

Work is OK. I should say that since there are two jobs in consideration that work sometimes can be good while it's also bad. At Glendale I'm chugging along. I'm pretty sure that the people there don't know what to make of me. It's pretty much like that everywhere I end up. I'm unconventional because I don't know better. I always envied those who I thought was outside the norm, and that didn't seem to fit in a box. But little did I know that I admired them while being one of them (or so I think these days from people's reaction). I see EVERYTHING... it's pretty sick to notice everything. I used to like filtering many things because it was just too much to deal with. But these days I love noticing details that others miss. San Marino job is going well. There have been a bunch of meetings about the schedule and such over the last couple of months, because we're still getting settled in.

There was some sad news though, the woman who was the City Librarian, and who hired me, passed away a couple of weeks ago from cancer. Having dealt with someone I love passing away from cancer I feel for her husband and her family. There was a reception last week for her at the library. A lot of people attended. I was inspired by a eulogy made by her father-in-law in which he quoted a few lines from a book she recommended him. The main theme of his eulogy was the love of books, which is by extension the love of the word... my love. While he spoke an idea came into my head and I jotted it down. I like that idea to be the first page of a great work, but I have to make the time for that project. Today being my day off I rather not do anything, but I think today is a good day to outline that project, if not start it completely. We shall see how THAT goes. I hope it's not another one of those projects that I start and let die on the vine. I hate that about myself.

Also since I last wrote, I went up to Bakersfield to visit my father's grave. Here I am sitting beside his grave.

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Why everything sucks

This week I needed something good and outside the stupidness of life to cling to. So, I bought "My So-Called Life, the complete series" on DVD. I'm transferring the shows onto my iPhone so I can watch them during my lunch breaks. The show only ran for 19 episodes, but it's so perfect. Maybe that's why it was so perfect. I might have caught the show for like five minutes when it was on ABC, but perhaps that's a memory I want to have that really doesn't exist.

Anyway, I was saying that I needed something good to cling to this week. At work (Glendale) they took away my iPod (figuratively). I used to be able to listen to my iPod, with only one earbud mind you, while I stacked the books back on the shelf. Well, Thursday the managers tell me that I can only listen to it while I'm in the back office, effectively taking my ability to listen away. As things go this little thing isn't so bad, but stacking books is fairly boring. Ah, who am I fooling, it's super boring. I usually listen to the Stern show while working because it keeps me in good humor. Friday I couldn't listen and it showed. I was left to my own thoughts, and who the hell wants that?!

The one thing I did sorta get in trouble for during my evaluation was my talking. I like to think I'm a good talker. And, funny enough, I think that people talk to me because they feel I'm actually listening. I like that I have the ability to put people at ease. And also, I love talking. I'm not one to keep my mouth shut. I like trivial things, I like serious topics, I like talking period. Maybe it stems from having something to say. Maybe I'm like that guy from the Dos Equis commercials... the most interesting man on Earth. Ha! Doubt I'm that, fo' sure. Either way, the managers, after telling me not to use my iPod, told me that should keep my conversations to a minimum. So this whole thing was a power play to show who is boss. But really it's stupid managerial shit that they do to justify their existence.

Because of the two new jobs I now drive about 250 - 300 miles a week. I don't mind it except for the dummies that insist on TAILGATING. I mean come on mother-fuckers, stop tailgating. Look at this example of the freeway and how close the cars are.

2:32 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Thoughts for Thought

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all

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The Days Off of Wine and Roses

So I'm sitting here enjoying my first real day off without any plans or anything that I have to do in some time. This morning I was going to go off and help a friend with their iPhone, but they flaked. Then, I had other plans to get a drink with a former co-worker. They had an emergency. Finally I decided I needed to just sit here and play video games and maybe write a little. This is the first bit of writing I've done, but hopefully it will continue into some actual story writing. I have a couple of ideas I want to stew in my think pot and let them simmer until I get a good story out of them. Time will tell, because I really do have to press these ideas or they won't germinate.

So this morning I decided that EVERYTHING is wrong. Actually, it wasn't JUST this morning, but rather the accumulation of the whole week. We must have had a full moon this week because people were total and complete morons. Which begs the question, why are people such IDIOTS? I blame a lot of things, but mainly I think it's the sheep mentality that 99.999% of people have. They simply follow, never question or think for themselves. And in the end I guess that's how the world works. But it's not just not thinking for oneself, but also just plain NOT THINKING, period. My best and greatest example is the way people drive in this town.

This morning I encountered this dummy, that suddenly realized they were going the wrong way and decided to just cut right in and do what they wanted (pictured below).

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Like Garbo Said

Thursday I didn’t have a bad day at work, but I did feel like coming home and playing a little Wii to just escape and relax a bit. Fighting little tanks and getting angry when they blow me up is a nice release. But, when someone takes the release the wrong way, then you have a problem. I just wanted to be left alone, so when my aunt showed up to my room to ask me a question, just as a shell blew up my little tank on the screen, she thought I was mad at her for coming to "bother" me. It wasn’t a bother, but at that moment I just wanted nothing to do with anything. As previously stated, and as Garbo used to say, I wanted to be alone.

I’ve been gaining weight since last month, probably because I’m eating out more often these days because of work. I’m pretty damn sick of all the bland food I’ve had to endure. By San Marino there’s some good food, good and fatty. In Glendale there’s just bland food, bland and fatty. So, I wish I could say that the weight I’ve gained was from good food, because more likely than not it hasn’t been. Which makes the gains all the more stupid.

Right this minute my stomach is growling, making stupid noises based in hunger. But, after going to the fridge and finding nothing but but side dishes I have come back to my room to write this instead of stuffing my face. I need to go back to eating only two meals a day, like last year. Oh man, those were the days.

Alone. I haven’t had luck in finding someone to be in a relationship, which brings me to a new theory. My theory is this, deep down inside I really just want to be alone... and not just alone, but left alone. Left to my own devices, my own projects, and such. So, despite having a need to be with someone, probably some stupid biological chemical reaction, I have subconsciously sabotaged any attempts at finding someone. Be it falling for someone that is completely unattainable, or not making a move, the result is the same... I’m alone because deep down inside I WANT to be alone. My default state of happiness is in having nearly no human contact.

End Communication

10:02 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

When the World is running down

"... you make the best of what’s still around," or so the song goes. My Sunday started out bad, but not as bad as it would be for one guy on the freeway. Some idiot went and shot someone else on the freeway. Probably because the other person cut him off, or wasn’t going fast enough... whatever that means. I hate these stupid drivers who run up to my bumper, as if that’s going to make ME drive faster. When I first started driving maybe. These days I don’t flinch, I continue going my speed. Which isn’t like a grandmother on Sunday. I drive pretty fast, but I guess some idiots just want to drive at 90mph everywhere. Fucking assholes! It’s the Autobahn, it’s the damn 101!

I jumped into my car just around 11am this morning and didn’t make it to work until a little past 1pm. It took me nearly an hour and a half to travel from the 405 onramp to the Van Nuys off-ramp on the 101. It was a traffic nightmare. Of course I got to work late, where all the little things went wrong. But at least I wasn’t getting shot in the head, like the guy who lost his life on the 101.

It’s all about getting somewhere in this town. We live on our freeways because everything is so far away. Most towns around the U.S. are tiny compared to the metropolis that is Los Angeles. Hell, the Valley, I heard more than once, would be the 6th largest city in the nation if it was its own separate entity apart from L.A.. But my point was that everything is far away. We commute everywhere. Nothing is within walking distance in this town. I drive 25 miles to go to work, each way. So yeah, when there’s an accident like this one, which closed perhaps the busiest freeway in the world for six hours, it’s going to ruin a lot of people’s day. It was the set-up for my day.

When I finally got to work today, it took me the better part of an hour to set settled down and not have every little thing go wrong. In my rush this morning I forgot my shirt, and had to work in my undershirt. So, out of spite I dined at Pie ’n Burger after work, because I just needed something that was full of fat and grease to make me feel good. Which brings me to another topic, my ever expanding stomach.

Ever since my friend Joe died I’ve been eating more unhealthy food. It’s because I have the mentality that I best enjoy myself while I’m here on Earth, because who knows what awaits us. So yeah, that mentality has me eating Pie ’n Burger to feel better, and to know I’m alive. I don’t have a girlfriend, or she might be more of the focus of those feelings. But, I’ve now noticed that my stomach is a expanding because I’m not caring to eat less. I best eat these bad things in moderation, to at least mollify some of the bad habit.

I’m looking forward to ending this entry and just going to watch some TV or play some Wii. After today I need to unwind.
End Communication.

9:06 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Steady as she goes

So the Joe-mobile (pictured below) is officially mine, insured, and 10,000 times better than that fucking asshole car I was forced to drive for over a year, my Father’s Nissan.

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La Muerte

Well, not happy, it looks like the Angel of Death is still my best friend. Today I went into work at San Marino a little earlier than usual because there was to be a meeting before opening time. The city manager came in and told us that our leader, the head librarian for the city, the nice lady that hired me, is retiring because of her cancer. She's been fighting cancer for a while now, but it's obviously gotten to the point that she feels the need to retire. Everyone at the library was sad from the news because we feel like she's going to die. That's not a given, of course, but I can tell that everyone that's worked for her was devastated by the news.

And it makes me go back to that joke about how my best friend is the angel of death lately. I mean this is just getting to be too ridiculous.

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March Vista Drive update

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Another visit from the Angel of Death

One of my oldest friends died last week. It turns out that I talked to him literally a few hours before he died. I should have known something was wrong after that phone call, but I chalked it up to him not getting enough sleep. As he slurred his speech I even asked him if he had gotten enough sleep. He said something incoherent and then good-bye. I thought I would hear from him again, but of course I didn't.

The funeral was Wednesday. I went out to Riverside, where he lived the last few years, for the service. I spoke about what a character he was, and how he often called me early in the morning, and how I'm going to miss him.

I've known Joe for some 14 years now. I met him in a photo class at Santa Monica College. It was a terrible class with a horrible teacher that didn't teach. Then again, is there really such a thing as teaching photography? One either has an eye for things or they don't. Simple. Joe made that class bearable, and downright fun at times. He was nuts, but that's what made him interesting and different from everyone else. He always spoke his mind, and didn't mince words. He turned me on to Jack Kerouac, which turned me on to a different way of writing... off the cuff. As annoying as some of his early morning phone calls could be, especially when I was trying to sleep in on my day off, I'm going to miss those calls. I grew up an only child, so to me friends become like siblings, without the rivalry. Joe really was like a brother to me, a crazy but good guy without a single bit of malice in his body. People like that are rare, and I'm glad to have known him. He's the first friend of mine that has passed away. I guess it was bound to happen, but one is never ready for it. I can only say that he's left a huge hole in the lives that he touched. We'll all miss him, I know I will.

The following is a picture of my friend's final resting place.

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Bloom is off the Rose

For some reason I've been nearly falling asleep at work during the 10 to 11 o'clock hour in the morning. It could be that I'm not getting enough sleep, but why would the sleepiness hit me then? All I know is that I'm going to try and go to sleep earlier in order to see if it is indeed the lack of sleep.

Work is going well, but now the San Marino job is so much more fun that the Glendale one is looking a little pale in comparison. Also, this week I was told that I made a few mistakes, small ones, but mistakes none the less. I hate that, even though the reality is I understand mistakes are par for the course. But, what i hate is that I'm told I've made a mistake in a way that makes it sound like I SHOULD have known the rule that I broke. How can I know that if no one tells me the rule? I'm not worried about it though. When someone told me that I should "watch out" for a certain co-worker I thought to myself, "I'm just going to put my head down and not interact with anyone." So I'm turning into Switzerland at work, because I don't want to deal with the politics. But, as a friend pointed out, even being neutral doesn't mean that I won't be invaded and thrown into the office politics blender. So the long and the short of it is that I'm just going to be myself. Whatever happens is going to happen, so fuck it, I'm just going to be me.

Funny enough though, I did get in a little trouble for forgetting to be neutral. Just before closing time I threw a little piece of paper at one of my co-workers. It's perfectly harmless. I don't aim for the face or anything like that, just the mid torso area. Well my co-worker acted like a child and in one motion got hit by the paper and continued on to the boss, who was in her office, all the way yelling that I threw a piece of paper at her. OMG, did I shoot her with a gun or something? You would have thought I did by her reaction. The boss called me into her office and told me that it was best not to play around with "that one." She wouldn't elaborate. So, dummy me is going back to the being neutral and not talking to anyone at work mode. I'm there to get my work done and then leave. Still, this just reminds me that this job isn't permanent either. In the next few months I'm going to start looking for something more in line with what I studied. Because I didn't go and get my B.A. so I could move books around all day long. I like doing that, but really I need to be writing them, not shelving them.

It's all good though, because I finally got paid a full check from Glendale, and I got my first check from San Marino. I was down to my last $18 in my checking account, and last $400 in my savings. Gasoline is squeezing my budget, but thankfully now I'll have money coming in.

On an entirely different subject, I come across some really funny book titles when I'm shelving. Here are a few of the ones that make me say, "what were they thinking?"

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