HOT DOG FEVER

I'VE GOT A FEVER.



FEVER

FEVER

FEVER IN MY BRAIN--



HOT DOG RAIN.



i feel as if i have ascended to a new plane. my limbs are tingly,

my fingers are jingly.



sweet hot dogs, fresh from the harvest. straight off the hot dog vine.



ITS M-AZING.



GRAPE WIZARD.



Listen to this excerpt from the running conversation in my brain:





_ ____Apollo Creed? I'd fuck him up. Goddamned stripey shorts. America, my ass. If he were a true patriot, he'd wear purple shorts, a crown, and grow a damn moustache.



_ _ HE HAS A MOUSTACHE>>>>



- - He'd grow a red one, do like the Irish.



FIN>>



GRAPE WIZARD MAGAZINE, VOL. 1:



THE LATE GRAPES: Heroes of our generation weave tales of deception, Jesus, and creamy mallow paste. Smeared across....



GRAPE SCOTT ! : HOT DOG FEVER sweeps the nation, babies weep, mothers gather young ones around, nibbling and clawing at bangly earrings, mallow paste, et al.



I HAD A REALLY GRAPE TIME TONIGHT, BUT

I JUST CAN'T, LETS BE FRIENDS OK KOOL: Wizards with awkward romantic problems ask their questions completely anonymously. To assure completely anonymity, we will take only one randomly selected line from each question, compiling them into a single question. It is as follows:



- -If when a wizardess wants to

- -Margarita all over her cape and

- -tile dysfunction, I said it happens

- -Pizza, me neither, "fuck it." And

- -No, I don't speak tagalog, and I

- -Those goddamn cookies. It's just

- -I'm so tired of wizardry, all day lo-

- -Pounding, over and over until just

- -PEG PEG PEG PEG PEG PEG PEG P



(ATTN: Wizards. your question will be answered in next month's edition)

8:50 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

FLOETRY

I WAS WALKING ON A TREE LIMB WITH ART ALEXAKIS OF EVERCLEAR FAME//;$ I SAID ART WHY DONT YOU WRITE A NEW RIFF EVERY FUKN EVERCLEAR SONG SOUNDS THE SAME ITS NOT THAT YOURE ESPECIALLY BAD ITS THAT I DONT KNOW IF YOURE ESPECIALLY BAD OR GOOD BECAUSE YOU ONLY HAVE ONE SONG STRETCHED OUT OVER LIKE EIGHT ALBUMS/.J***9

HE WAS LIKE DUPE HERES A QUARTER WHY DONT YOU AXE SOMEBODY WHO GIVE A SHIT.

Let's approach this passage critically: clearly the author has some deep-seated anguish relating to the admittedly one-sided riffery of nineties rock power trio Everclear. It's difficult to discern from whence this anguish came; who doesn't love their distinctive fusion of down-to-earth, working man's lyrics with sturdy, wholesome radio riffs? Count this reviewer a fan. But don't take my word for it-- even the venerable Rolling Stone magazine has been known to bestow three and a half, even four of its five stars upon the band's numerous releases. ////////

Their albums run the emotional gamut, as it were-- a hodgepodge of razor sharp riffs, sing along choruses, stop-on-a-dime transitions, and an overarching, familiar tonality echoing throughout. //////

The author's own anguish aside, it's clear that this not a factual account of an encounter with one Mr. Alexakis. Apart from the derisive retort attributed Mr. Alexakis that rings decidedly false, the notion that the two could be strolling, chatting across a tree limb together does little to bolster the credibility of the story. /////

I did a little research of my own. I consulted Dr. Paulsoff Alinovez, a leading physics professor at UC Berkeley to look over the passage and give me his opinion. He doesn't speak English, but I interpreted the vehement undulations of his head to indicate his staunch disapproval. I imagine the rest of his assessment might have gone something like this:

"Judging by the poor grammar and spelling, as well as the deplorable structure of the thing, one could conclude that an illiterate dolt such as this one could not ascend to a position of any significant financial compensation such as to possess the disposable income to book a flight to a South American country where one MIGHT find tree limbs able to support this kind of leisurely stroll. The likelihood of the author's doing so at the precise moment so as to coincide with a break in the rock group EVERCLEAR's relentless touring schedule seems slight."

There you have it. FULL OF SHIT. From a real expert on the subject. Can you believe this guy? FULL OF SHIT. The author, not the expert. Seriously, Dr. Alinovez is an important man, of great financial and academic importance. I went to his house. He's hired a different person to clean his pool for each day of the week, so that none of them get any sort of big ideas. Actually, I think it's an intricate scheme to diminish their self-worth, but who doesn't concoct one or two of those? It's a mulligan, folks, give him a break. You don't even fucking know him. He's an important man!

FULL OF SHIT

5:01 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

GET ONE OF THESE BAGS FREE*

I READ THAT THEY ARE REPLACING ENSLAVED SUDANESE CAMEL JOCKEYS IN QATAR WITH NEW TINY JOCKEY ROBOTS. LOOK IT UP.

but seriously.

In Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, Gimli looks doubtful when handed a bar of Lembas bread. "Cram," he says, sniffing the cookie. No doubt he thinks Lembas is just another variation of pemmican, or hardtack. When he tries it, however, he gleefuly devours the whole thing. In the extended version of The Lord of the Rings - The Fellowship of the Ring, we hear Merry and Pippin confide they ate several day's worth of the wafers, in one sitting. And while Sam isn't too thrilled with his Mordor menu of non-stop Lembas, this nourishing cookie does keep them alive, just long enough to reach Mount Doom.

Which leads to me wonder: what is IN these elvish waybreads, anyway? Can we make something just like it?

People want these cookies and want them bad. There's even an annual Lembas Cookoff/Potluck Picnic in San Francisco.

At The Making of a Restaurant, the Oscar's banquet organizers introduced Lembas to Hollywood in 2002, saying, "Every year I'm in charge of the Oscar party, and every year I try to prepare foods that are thematic to the five Best Picture nominees (and sometimes a straggler or two, if they're noteworthy). These year we've got Chicago, Gangs of New York, The Hours, LOTR:TTT and The Pianist. For Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - Easy. Lembas Bread."

And on the Web, every wants to add their own 2 cents:

Robin C. Poe, submitting her recipe at TheOneRing.net, designs her Lembas on these clues: (italics are her words)

What Tolkien says about Lembas...
-They contain honey
-they are light-colored on the inside and light brown crust
-they are thin and regular-shaped. This implies they were made on some kind of griddle iron.

Some other things we can guess:
-They contain the fruit and maybe the flower-water of the Mallorn tree. I substituted oranges, although kumquats or a hand of Buddha fruit might be better.
-They probably had some kind of finely ground light-colored nut in them. I used almonds.
-They contained some kind of nourishing flour. I used semolina flour, which is a more primitive flour, and also more nourishing.
-Galadriel probably used some kind of grinder to refine the ingredients. I used a blender.

The recipe:
3 eggs
1 cup honey (preferably wild honey)
1 tablespoon grated orange peel or three kumquats or one large finger of a hand of Buddha.
2 teaspoons orange flower water (optional)
3 oz blanched almonds
1/4 cup melted butter
2-1/4 cups semolina flour
1/2 teaspoon salt

Place eggs, honey, orange peel or other fruit, orange flower water, and almonds in blender. Blend on high for 3 minutes. Add 1 cup of the flour. Blend for 1 minute. Scrape into a bowl and add remaining flour and salt. Whisk or stir until well blended. Bake lembas on a pizzelle or krumkake iron 15 seconds each or until lightly brown. You may substitute a waffle iron but add a teaspoon of baking powder. The texture will not be quite accurate in a waffle iron.

I'd agree on some of these points. The cookie bars would have to be both tasty and superbly nutritious, able to travel well, and dense.

Acorn flour, if you know how to process it, would probably be a good matrix, but, then again, I'd probably go with a mix of wheat flour and whole wheat flour for convenience. Buckwheat flour is another option. Check around a health food store for interesting alternatives.

Almonds are a likely bet for the recipe. Almonds have a sweet taste, are packed with healthy calories, and grind up well.

Sweet butter would probably be used, and I'd even go so far as to make my own creamy butter for the batch. Here's an easy way to make your own butter: Pour heavy cream into a blender and set to a slow speed for ten minutes. Check for consistency, and run for ten minute increments until you've achieved a thick, spreadable texture.

Honey would be a must for sweetening Lembas. Go with organic, in whatever flower flavor sounds exotic. Orange Blossom or Mesquite would be good possibilities.

Using organic, free range eggs would be in keeping with Elvish philosphy too, I think. And organic whole milk. Not skim. Spare no calories!

Fruit would be optional, I think. Sam's closeup of Lembas from the movie showed a seamless testure - no "chunks." Maybe using dried fruit ground fine in a food processor would do the trick in providing tasty sweetness and an even texture.

When you mix the dough, take a tip from Outward Bound and slap your dough flat. You'll need this wafer to be as dense as possible to provide a day's worth of nutrition in a single bar. OB instructors even call their form of Lembas "Flappers", because of the intense process of slapping, slapping and slapping the dough in the communal kitchens. If you can make the dough dense at the pre-baking and mid-baking stages, you won't need to use the "griddle" idea Robin suggests. But you can experiment to suit yourself.

2:27 PM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

HOT PANGS

I JUST PURCHASED CNN AND AOL TIME-WARNER. I'M PUTTING HOME IMPROVEMENT BACK INTO PRODUCTION. GOD HAS BLESSED ME.

7:44 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

tomate
Current mood: RICHARD

BENJAMIN BRATT CAME TO ME IN A DREAM AND TOLD ME THE SAND OF TIME WHAT CHANGES ROUND BOUT MID-DAY WERE A-MOVIN ON.

Recipe for Al Roker's World-Famous Chili:

2 lbs goat meat, cubed in bite-sized pieces
1 lb hot Italian sausage, removed from casings
2 large onions, diced
12 cloves garlic, diced
1 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp pure chili powder
2 cups water
1 32-oz can crushed tomatoes
1 16-oz can pinto beans
1 16-oz can northern beans
1 16-oz can dark red kidney beans

MIX N MATCH

7:37 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

show.

4:17 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

COOL I PUT YOU IN MY PHONE AS M2. LETS ROCK

I swore I would never do it. But here I am.

3:28 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment