BEHOLD! The Birthday Bag of Loveliness is revealed!
Current mood: fabulous
Category: Life
Beauty is meant to be shared dear reader, not hoarded in a selfish attempt to keep all lovely things for oneself.
With this in mind I offer you the chance to feast your eyes on the Birthday Bag of Loveliness. Many of you will be under the mistaken belief that this is just a handbag, but oh how wrong you would be.....
Is this a shameless attempt to solicit good wishes from people by hinting that it was my birthday this week? Undoubtedly. I have reached the grand old age of 28 and surely that is a feat worth celebrating?
Certainly my lovely Nan thought so because she was the originator of the Birthday Bag of Loveliness. Clever Nan! So without further ado I give you the bag of the hour.....
The Birthday Bag of Loveliness and its genius sidekick - Marvellous Matching Make-Up Bag
Feast your eyes on its lovely form. Struggle to contain your lust for its luscious buckles, its delightfully clanky sparkly attachments, for its astonishingly shiny knobbly bobbly bits. Clap your hands with delight on witnessing the marvellous little matching make-up bag. What genius!
Behold its delightfully clanky sparkly attachments
And reader, though I know it will be difficult, try to contain your envy that I am its owner. I shall carry it with pride and leave in my wake legions of stunned and weeping women, overcome with grief that they do not own the Birthday Bag of Loveliness......It is a great burden but one that I aim to shoulder with as much humility as I can muster.
Currently
listening
:
Stoosh
By
Skunk Anansie
Release date: 1997-05-20
Click on the thumbnail image of Paul and I and then enter the password (my married surname and 888 - i.e. "SURNAME888").
You can see I've used the amazing security measure of not telling you my married surname so that only people that actually know me will be able to see the photos. My genius knows no bounds. Of course it's highly likely that many of you will know what the name is, but not how to spell it.
If you have trouble send me a MySpace message. If I decide you're not a psycho/serial killer/Belgian then I'll reveal to you the top secret password.
I am planning a wedding/honeymoon blog and lots of lovely honeymoon pictures to go online but I've been really busy lately so it might be a wee while.
Take care dear reader, mind where you put your feet....
I’M BACK BABY!
Current mood: jubilant
Category: Life
Oh dear reader, oh how I have neglected you! How can you ever forgive me?
Well if you do choose to forgive me I can tell you that there will be news aplenty for you in the near future. What news? Well (for the benefit of the three people in the western hemisphere that haven't heard me singing from the rooftops) I got married 3 weeks ago and have just returned from a glorious honeymoon in Canada. I have several blogs on the brew so stay tuned oh faithful neglected readers and watch this space......
Unexpected Poetry & Sex SPAM
Current mood: weird
Category: Writing and Poetry
As I sit here typing the weather outside is raging and Summer seems a long way away. I think I would have gotten less wet this morning if I’d just tipped a bucket of water over my head and been done with it. I wanted to share something with you that cheered up my rainy morning.
I don’t know about you dear reader but I get lots of sex related SPAM in my email inbox. I receive frequent offers to extend my penis and buy Viagra to increase my girlfriend’s pleasure. Since I have neither a penis nor a girlfriend I find their promises of guaranteed satisfaction hard to believe. Nevertheless these people keep trying to sell me things and I usually never read beyond the first few lines of these emails before I realise what they are and delete them.
Today I was bored and read the whole email (urging me to click on the following link and visit a webpage where the secret to feeling brand new sexual sensations would be revealed!). At the end of the email was a whole pile of gibberish, I’m guessing this is randomly selected text that they use to get these emails past the SPAM filters.
I found this little piece of randomness to be quite poetic and that amused me. So I thought I’d share it with you here. Enjoy....
Brand New Sensation - by Anonymous
And shoes was introduced by Surya! O Descendant! A cow is a gift who is known to be mild towards those that exist in the universe. Thou art he who upholds
Thirty shipwrecked mariners are even now indebted scientifically, or even practically, in the space attention, In these sweet words fraught with reason, resembling that of the Moon. Of immeasurable prowess, had been revoked. As is generally known,
Foreigners the proud rhinoceros, O King! In the forest bears ye, according to your pleasure live here happily. Should you be my refuge?
Thoughts like these always overwhelmed by the qualities of rajas and tamas.
I Wanna Be a Popstar
Current mood: amused
Category: Music
Hey ho dear readers, how ya doodlin’?
I just wanted to share this video with y’all. Thanks to Clare for sending me the link , this cracked me up!
Oh and in case you’re wondering where I stand on this issue - Nickleback are in fact a bunch of pretentious w*nkers with a good producer and pretty rocking hair but very little else to recommend them. Their song "Rockstar" on the otherhand is the exception to the rule and I find it pretty darn amusing. I also suppose that I should admit at this point, since someone out there probably knows and will call me on it, that I own two of Nickleback’s albums. In my defence I was young, I didn’t know any better, and the shop assistant told me he’d shoot a kitten if I didn’t buy them. Well what would you have done?
Currently
listening
:
The Singles 81>85
By
Depeche Mode
Release date: 19 January, 1999
Love in the Time of Cholera - Criminal Acts with Post-Its and Neil Morrissey’s A*se
Current mood: pirate
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
I’m quite disturbed to see that "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez has been made into a movie. Regular readers of this blog might recall that I was less than impressed with this book - so much so that it led me to criminial acts in my local library. I revisited that much hated book recently to see if my subversive post-it note was still inside. Alas it was not, and from the date stamps I could see that two other hapless fools had borrowed it since me.
It was the most awful book I’ve read in a long time. I shudder to imagine what the film will be like. If they keep the scene with the OAP’s boinking in the boat I think people will have to be carried out the cinema.
As I type this I’m watching "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle" on telly. We put this on purely for it’s bizarre title and also because it stars a very young Neil Morrissey. It’s weird to see him in something now that’s not a cheesy Homebase advert. In the scene that’s just ended I got a disturbing closeup shot of his hairy arse as seen from the bowl of a toilet. He then stands up and to his horror discovers that his freshly squeezed poop is talking to him "Awright Noddy! Aw’s it going mate?" the turd cries before attacking poor Noddy (Morrissey) jumping into his unsuspecting open mouth.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I’d rather be watching Neil Morrissey talking to his delinquent chocolate log than watching "Love in the Time of Cholera".
Currently
listening
:
The Arockalypse
By
Lordi
Release date: 20 March, 2007
BURN BABY BURN!!! - Confessions of a Pyromaniac
Current mood: mischievous
Category: Life
Welcome dear reader to my little tale of death and destruction
Some of you may be aware that Paul, my lovely other half, bought a pair of green hiking type shoes a few months ago. I can’t stress how much I hated these shoes. For one thing, they were green for goodness sake. They match NOTHING with the possible exception of earth tones - not colours that really feature in Paul’s predominantly black, black, and more black wardrobe. It seemed to me that this abomination of colour co-ordination had been deliberately arranged to torture me.
In reality Paul just felt that these shoes were practical and good value for money, and that really is all he cares about when buying clothes (I suspect a great many men out there feel the same). I could never come to terms with these hideous shoes and so it was with great delight that I learned that they weren’t such good value after all since they basically disintegrated within a few months wear. Paul continued to wear them until they actually started to cause him pain before he would finally part with them. He then offered me the chance to have the satisfaction of putting them in the bin.
Oh no I said. I have far bigger plans for these shoes. I want to see them BURN!
And so dear reader, this blog is a documentary diary of their funeral pyre.
Enjoy!
These shoes only have seconds to live.....MWAH HA HA HA!
The executioner arrives - I find it nicely ironic that something so lovely and purple will be used to destroy these shoes (note also the poor choice of a really flammable plastic tray to protect our paving slabs....)
After pouring massive amounts of Meths into and around the shoes the funeral pyre is lit!
At first they begin to burn quite gently....
Seconds later it’s a different story! (Notice that the plastic tray is now also on fire and we’re starting to feel the effects of the rather interesting mix of fumes coming off the shoe bonfire)
$£$ Bling Bling Ker Ching! $£$ The World’s most Crap-tacular iPod on Sale Now!
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Web, HTML, Tech
Many of you will already be familiar with know my views on iPods and Apple’s evil world domination plans from previous rants on the topic. When I saw in today’s news that the world’s most expensive iPod was going for sale at auction I was so astounded I decided to share it with you.
Against all belief they have managed to make an iPod that is even more of a rip-off than the regular kind. The only good thing I can say about it is that at least it’s for charity. Personally I’d melt it down and turn it into jewellery so that it can be pretty and functional, two qualities that iPods rarely possess in combination I’ve found.
Meanwhile my love-hate relationship with the EViLPod continues......
Article taken from Yahoo News:
"The world’s most expensive iPod has gone up for sale at a charity auction in London. The popular music player was customised with hundreds of diamonds for a dazzling makeover.
Already a must-have item, the bejewelled version was the star of the auction, with an estimated value of £20,000.
The iDiamond shuffle is made of solid 18 karat white and pink gold and kitted out with 430 diamonds.
The one-off piece was created by jeweller, Thomas Heyerdahl, who says the process was painstaking and meticulous as there wouldn’t ever be another one."
Currently
reading
:
The Famished Road
By
Ben Okri
Release date: 01 May, 1993
Mysteries of the Universe Revealed - Odd Socks and Quantum Entanglement
Current mood: weird
Category: Life
You will be delighted to know dear reader that I have recently learned a hidden truth of the Universe and I'm using this blog to share it with you.
Paul was hanging up our washing to dry (we don't use evil clothes dryers, mainly because we don't own one but also to save the planet) when he came across a man's single brown sock. Why should this be a surprise? Well, because neither of us OWN any brown socks. This particular brown sock had just appeared amongst out washing like a little wooly stow-away. Where could it have come from?
The only place we might conceivably come into contact with other people's underwear (at least that we're admitting) is at the gym. It isn't unthinkable that a random sock could get bundled up with our own smelly washing and brought home by accident. Except that Paul doesn't change at the gym, he changes at home. Plus this is a man's sock, so it can't have been me that brought it home because why would it be found in a women's changing room?
The only possible explanation I can think of is that the Universe has made a mistake and let me in on one of its secrets. When you loose a sock, it's not because you yourself have misplaced it, it's because it has been transported mysteriously to some other person's house. So now, from one pair of socks two odd ones are created to sit in their respective homes driving their owners crazy with the search for their lost partners.
Somewhere, out there, there is a person crying out "where oh where has my brown sock gone?" and the answer is - my house!
My theory is that random fluctuations in the energy of the Universe creates quantum entanglement of sock drawers around the world. The act of observing a sock in one place means it must dissapear in another.....
The Happy Ending - Time heals all wounds
Current mood: pleased
Category: Life
I'm happy to report that the war wound is healing nicely. The physio was happy with my progress to regain the mobility of my hand and has signed me off. I also had a 'wound check' appointment with my local nurse this week. She was very happy with how fast my hand is healing (and a little surprised or so it seemed). She took out 2 of my 5 stitches and said the rest would dissolve in their own time. I got bored waiting so I did what any sensible person would do and cut them out myself. The first one I removed with my desk scissors at work in an idle moment. Then I remembered that I had scalpels in my lab so I carefully took out the remaining stitches with that (whilst trying not to imagine what sorts of chemicals and crap would be on a blade left lying around in the lab....)
So now all that remains is a visit to the plastics clinic at the end of March and to finish this blog with some much less gory pictures of my now happily healing hand....
Time heals all wounds (well time, surgery, stitches, bandages.....)
fabulous
happy
jubilant
weird
amused
pirate
I’m quite disturbed to see that "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez has been made into a movie. Regular readers of this blog might recall that I was 
As I type this I’m watching "I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle" on telly. We put this on purely for it’s bizarre title and also because it stars a very young Neil Morrissey. It’s weird to see him in something now that’s not a cheesy Homebase advert. In the scene that’s just ended I got a disturbing closeup shot of his hairy arse as seen from the bowl of a toilet. He then stands up and to his horror discovers that his freshly squeezed poop is talking to him "Awright Noddy! Aw’s it going mate?" the turd cries before attacking poor Noddy (Morrissey) jumping into his unsuspecting open mouth.
mischievous
Enjoy! 
bitchy
pleased
