todight

Focus. A little focus is all I ever needed.

All I ever never got was focused.

All I really want is a life with no obligations. I am trapped. I am shackled.

It seems to me, that there is a part of culture that must be telling me this. It's tearing me apart. My ambivalence is manifesting more and more physically. I don't want to lose my mind like my father did. I don't want to grow old and be unhappy. The other day, in the hospital, I was talking to a patient. About life, about baseball. He was in his eighties, he seemed to enjoy it.

Then he said something: He said, "And you're single, that's good." I showed him my ring.

I wanted to punch him in the face.


Something I hate, more than anything else, is disrespect. My temper is relatively long, slow, deep. Disrespect changes that. I don't care if you're a fucking radiologist, and generally, you aren't. Most of the time, you're some stupid nothing job, some phone answerer who can't direct me to the correct office without some attitude. I work, so hard, to help people. I don't take myself that seriously. Act professionally if you're not going to act polite.

I just feel like so much of it is a factor of either A. my age or B. my demeanor. Only one of those is even a conceivable reason to get an attitude, and it's not a good reason.

Sigh. Rant.

I don't know. Commute. Traffic. 7:30-4:00. This grind is working on me. I did this to myself.

I'm just playing along every time. I can't handle the act. When I have my way is when I am most self-destructive, however, I'm testing the limits of my ability to contain myself. Sometimes I just need to destroy.

10:04 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

wishing

If I had a wish, I'd wish for the prettiest sound.

If i had another I'd wish for sleep.

10:59 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

jazz

do i not care, or do i want to not care?

who cares.

9:08 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

famously

If I had a wish I'd wish
         I were a fish.
If I had to define matter
         I'd say never better.
I'd ask what's the matter if three
     consenting quarks want to get together?
It's not as though a neutral particle
     ever started anything with anybody.
It's like this whole issue is just
         some chain reaction.
It
   all
       started
               out
so

very

small.

4:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

christmas spirit

Present wrapping makes me ask myself all these questions:

If you stretch a rubber band anywhere around a box containing a five-dimensional object, can you draw that band tighter and tighter in to eventually become a point?

Is present wrapping a symbol of the culture that is so wasteful? Am I destroying the earth with my compliance?

How can those retirees be so good at this crap?

Why didn't I just buy some bags and tissue paper?

9:27 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dreams

Doesn't every moment just seem to matter so much?

It's nice.

9:43 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

some sick joke

The scope of my ambitions can never be contained with words. Nor can my actions ever catch it.

Thinking of all the time I wasted, I go crazy. I've only got forward to look. Backwards is always just so.

Time passed is opportunity wasted. Every decision is the denial of choice. Every action is the annhilation of the freedom to act. Ticking clocks chase tapping shoes along the path toward the future where something looms, and despite all my ambitions it seems far far away.

So far away.

Sometimes I wish I could thrust myself forward in time. Fast forward, or rewind. Undo and do everything. Live a perfect life. What does that mean? Didn't it take every action and inaction to make me into myself? Do I prefer it this way? Who would survive the rearranging of my life; it would not be me.

I had a friend request. It was from someone named Deirdre. It wasn't anyone I ever knew and I denied it. But it made me laugh or just smile. Some sick joke or coincidence. Just like everything it's a roll of the dice every moment. You can only position your chips. Sometimes you are only the spectator. Sometimes you can't even see the whole game. Are we pressing for knowledge? Are we just trying to get to the other end of the craps table? It's all the same random chance there as it is here.

Hah. Fuck the cynicism and the obtuse conjectural bullshit. What I mean is this: I want everything in the world, and now I have to go get it.

8:54 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

waiting

postiwannablogpostaiwannabloggapostablogapost

California burned me.

Or shall I say the sun?

5:40 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

something probably true

I didn't mean to mislead

and if i said what i meant

you'd probably prefer it.

The question lately is this: Is life a search for something, to fill a void and make compleat? Is life among the chemical reactions searching for equilibrium?

Is it less than that, a void longing to be filled, never filling, forever searching?

Does it plow forward from point A to point B, between beginning and end or is there something ineffable beyond either for which we strive?

Don't tell me heaven. The universe is too big for gods. If you think of the scheme of things on such a scale you're just the nihilist. Life matters. Life fucking matters and no matter how much you tell me something better is out there I'll know all the best in the world is in here, between us.

Life isn't the emptiness striving for full. It's the very sense of hunger. It never fills because the feeling is the goal. It'll never be complete. That's how it belongs.

12:25 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Breaking a habit

I've been moved deeply, angered, enraged. Yeah I've been good, okay.

I've wanted to write lately, but it feels like I've been caught up, really something else has happened.

Though I haven't had a chance, maybe, there's another reason I haven't written.

Even though things like Deirdre's blog, or vampires, or Paul Banks have given me somethings to write about, all the tinder for the fire, snapping my fingers hasn't been able to light it lately.

As opposed to say, when I feel the compulsion to write without a point behind it, now I've got the point as sharp as santoku. Just can't get the time and the automatic fingers and the rhythm.

I've got enough notes to self, man you don't even know.

9:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment