The Confessions lay upon the rust of hinged doors And rotting wood soaked in splinter never to be uttered
Confined and condemned alone in a cell I wait The gatekeeper dominates the steal While on his perch against mortared walls
The chains rattle in my mind Clinking against each other in a rhythm …a rhythm…All so familiar
a remnants of the night before
pitter pat ….pitter pat the sound echos through empty halls broken glass beaten beneath the sole of his sandal and once a flickering bulb illuminating the dark corners keeping the shadows at bay
but nothing shines down here only dead lights down here traded souls become dim and fade stifled whimpers… heard through concrete as he settles in for one night
tonight he is my mate, my brother tonight he is my love , my mother tonight we are one another
The alarms rings Here goes another day He's not awake but he will soon Would you believe me if I told you? Maybe ..
But I guess the question is Can you be trusted?
I used to smile…..back when Seems like forever ago When I was young maybe In my prime maybe Naïve and my eyes were filled
New life on the horizon
But lately, in my old age, my eyes are not filled But consumed With something
Something empty, something dark and it lurks when he sleeps And I think to myself Is it possible to suffocate one's self-while dreaming? I Just ponder this for a moment
And then I close my eyes....
Imagining that you are alone. And all you see, as far as the horizon, is violet. The deepest violet sky you have ever seen. So magnificent, so vibrant and so close, you feel it soaking into your skin With your wide eye, you gaze around in wander and a peace comes over you. The depth of color seems to go on forever. And then you notice, off in the distance, a small spec.
The spec is black. It doesn't belong. You are drawn to it. So you walk toward it, your steps are light in wieght and the dark marveled clay beneath you seems almost transparent.
You're almost there The spec is becoming larger. You stop and you squint and just above your head in this endless constellation of purple, you can barely make it out, but it seems to be getting larger. The spec is coming into focus. It is not a spec a t all. It is coming closer. You can't seem to take your eyes off of it. The closer it become the larger it becomes and before long you cannot see anything except the pitch of its blackness. Now it is racing toward you. And within seconds you need to make a choice. Do you stand there and wait until the image becomes clear, or do you make the decision to retreat. Forget your curiosity or what you may already know. Fact is, you know nothing except that if you don't move you may be crushed beneath of sea of darkness. Time has run out. You turn to run and stumble, tripping over your own feet, falling heavily to the ground. Before you can process the thought, the blanket is on you. You're pulse is racing. You're body tries to gasp for air and by instinct you fight. The more you fight, the more entangled you become. Drenched in sweat and becoming exhausted you feel the blood dripping from your mouth. It is filling up your lounges. You are suffocating. With your arms and legs kicking furiously, you try to gasp again, taking in the staleness of a feather pillow. In a blink of seconds you realize you must be dreaming. Wake up! That's all you have to do. Just Wake Up! You spin into the mind of a maniac with massive strength trying to jump, trying to yell for anyone, trying to open your eyes, but something is pushing back. Still struggling and gasping you catch a glimpse of light. The ringing in your ears and the liquid that you breathe is making it hard to concentrate. Something is pushing back! All at once the fatigue hits you. Your arms and legs become limp. You can't feel them anymore. You are fading and the fight stops.
I open my eyes, reach over his aged sleeping body, and shut off the alarm. Here goes another day.
I really don’t know what to write but I feel I should write something.
For the past two years I have experienced things in a way that I thought I never would. When you lose someone, meaning, when someone dies, it is a sad and overwhelming time for everyone. For as long as I can remember I have never actually been all torn up about someone passing. Yes, I cried a little and hugged a few people but later that evening I would be fine. The people around me seem to take it a lot harder than me. Even, when my grandfather passed, I was sad about it, but really, only because everyone else was. He was my step-grandfather and I didn’t like him very much, but it broke my heart to see my mother cry. I am the type that always tries to see the bigger picture in desperate situations. Knowing that I will be looked at as being heartless and inconsiderate, I try to keep my wits about me and stay strong for the ones who need it. As I have been through a lot, I know that nothing gets accomplished when you are down in the dumps and feeling sorry for yourself. I thank my mother for that. She was always the one that I could count on to pick me up at an early age and somehow, through time, I have become just like her.
I just can’t see good reason in crying for someone who is no longer here. It would hurt me to see someone being tortured in a way that was unmoral or a child being abused. Those kinds of thing would ache in my heart at no end. I would even go so far as to say a dog being ran over, more so if it were my dog. But to me, when someone dies I feel that they have been relieved of their duties. They no longer have to put up with stupid people, no more getting up at four in the morning, no more cleaning up behind the sloppy spouse, no more worrying about having the rent this month, no more " life " period. It is as easy as that. So, why do we cry for them? Why would we want to bring them back to this hell? Is death really such a bad thing and why do we fear it so much? I’ve heard the phrase " a fear worst than death " all of my life. I had never really taken into account what it really meant, only that it was something someone famous had muttered and now it’s this landmark phrase. But for the last couple of years I have thought about it more and more.
It didn’t really start until the summer of 06. My mom had started spending more time than usual at her mother’s. It didn’t really strike me as odd because my family was closer than most. We were like the golden girls without the gold. My grandmother was a two-time widow and my mother and her two sisters were my grandmother’s only children. My mom had three girls also. With new additions, all in all there were twelve girls, most single mothers and a couple with spouses who were never recognized as part of the family really. At family gatherings the males picked a corner, where they thought they were safe, and just sort of stayed there until it was time to go. This was a regular thing and if there were a new guy, the rest would fill him in and make their way back to the corner.
Looking back on things and the way they happed, I can see that my grandmother had a lot to do with the guys being alienated. She was a strong woman and a classic beauty to boot. She was the tallest of us all, standing 5’11 and look like something out of a GQ magazine and she knew. Everyone called her Ms. Lou. That wasn’t her real name, she hated her name as a child and insisted everyone to call her Lou. When she walked she carried grace with her and when she fell everyone jump in front of her to block the view. She was the star of the show. So when she got sick all of a sudden we were worried.
She was never sick. She smoked like freight but there were never any serious problems with her health. In a matter of five days she went from this beautiful tall vibrant women to a skinny, withered body that I could not recognize. I don’t know how this could have happened.
Everything was happening so fast and I remember thinking that when Lou comes home I will apologize to her for an argument that we had a couple weeks before. I can’t really remember what the argument was about, but I’m sure it was over something stupid. Lou and I always bumped heads. Usually she would say something and then I would disagree and somehow it would turn into this match over who was right and who was just plain ignorant. It got to the point that every time I came over she would be talking about something totally off the wall and then turn to me and ask me what I thought. She, knowing that I would disagree, would ask me if I agreed. She was pushing my buttons and I think she enjoyed it. Needless to say, one of those times it got heated and I had not been back to smooth things over yet and then this happens. My mom stayed at the hospital the three days Lou was there. I had talked to her over the phone and she explained to me that they had discovered cancer in her liver, her lungs, and in her brain. My mom’s voice did not show any sign of concern. She told me just as soon as Lou got over this spell that she was going to start some sort of treatment. She told me that everything was OK and she would call if anything changed.
The next afternoon, around six o’clock, she calls me back. She start’s by saying " Hollie, where are you at? " I said. " At home. " Then she asks, " Where are you at home. " I told her that I had just walked outside. Then she asks me where the kids are. I said that they were in the yard also. She was really bugging me with all the questions, but I didn’t tell her. I ask her to go ahead and spit it out. Her voice didn’t sound so unconcerned anymore. It sounded like she was trying to find a nice way to say something I didn’t want to hear. She told me Lou had got a fever and it was extremely high, to the point that her body was breaking down. Lou wasn’t talking anymore and was showing no signs of improving. They had to put her on a respirator while they try to get the fever down. In an instant I could feel my throat starting to swell while my eyes filled up with liquid until I couldn’t see. The sky above me dropped twenty thousand feet and the air around me became thick. As she is still talking, my mind starts racing through a millions thoughts. The most fearful was, what was I going to tell my daughter. If I had my choice about it I would choose to go to bed, sleep of this day and act like this it never happened. Maybe when I wake up, I will forget and all will be good again. Last thing I remember hearing her say was " Hollie, it is time so you need to come on up here." I told my mom that I would have to take the kids to the babysitter and that I would be along shortly. I ask her if she needed anything on my way. She said she didn’t and we said our good-byes and I hung up.
I remember walking up to the hospital and seeing family smoking by the front entrance. I’d hope that I could walk up and just sort of blend in and maybe they wouldn’t notice that I had not been inside yet. I didn’t want to go in. I didn’t want to become apart of this weeping frenzy that was about to take place. But damn if I wasn’t spotted half way the parking lot. It’s sort of like when you were in school and you sat in the back row so the teacher wouldn’t call on you, but it’s like the bitch could read your mind or something. She always did. Lou’s sister meets me a few feet from where the rest of the family is standing. She gave me a hug and told me to go on up…. It’s on the third floor. I tell her that I would rather hang out down here for a while. She tells me to go on, my mom is waiting. So now, of course, I have to go. I walk through the powered slide doors of the hospital and start walking down the hall. My mom is coming around the corner from the elevator. I am relieved and she says to me " come on, I need a cigarette. " So I turned around and headed straight for the door. When we get outside, she tells me that in a little while, after all the family has arrived, Lou will be unplugged from a machine.
Everything after that has been pretty much a blur. My life was completely changed from that point on, literally. It’s like someone telling you " OK, this life is getting to be to easy for you, so we’re gonna change it up a bit " I am still trying to adjust to the changes, and the rest of my family seem to be going through shell shock. They have all went dim in a way since this happen and I want them back. That is the most difficult part of losing someone so close, you lose the laughter and the silly moments and all that remains is this thick fog that just won’t go away. I have done a lot of growing in the past couple of years and I’m starting to feel old. That’s silly I know but the fact of it lingers now when it didn’t before. I check every morning for a new wrinkle. I’m pumping vitamins like painkillers and yoga has become my best friend. The smoking hasn’t changed though, but I’m working on it or not. Hopefully just changing a few bad habits will extend my life a little, but if not maybe they will figure out that fountain of youth thing before it’s to late.
What is a fear worst than death? The waiting room.
In and out as the lightning dies Incoherent and a bit uneasy I try to hold on to drowning tides Of space between the words The ones I long to hear Taking more grace than thought Pushing through the boundaries of fear Just once With clarity and saturation Quench the soul and relieve the anticipation One hundred times cast And one hundred times past Still waiting while others burn With gratification I have yet to learn
In your transition I refuse to yield Fill these empty spaces And relieve your masking shield
The stars dust that fills my eyes blankets the truth and hides me away simple moments... I crave with him don't let these feelings go away with silence of content stay with me just like I am the classic beauty drowning in yours wanting to be everything you yearn So much worry I have spending time just thinking to myself Loving you wouldn't be so difficult if my skeletons weren't closing in on these lonely eyes
Observers' leaving harsh glances As I Remember time of spilt ink and lost chances Of fear and jealously Fits of rage and a tower of guilt which I bleed on this page
Ships come ashore before the winds eve As I await in silence And in the distance of a calm sea
I wish for the sea And my sailors soul in mist of this summer's heat and the suffering that it holds
but I lost him once on a stormiest of day when the tides were high and they carried him away
to the land of saints I hope is where he will be And to sit in silence Pondering by the sea of a time we had forgotten as he waits there for me
One more thing
Current mood: confident
Category: Life
Wanna here the wildest thing? I find out today that death maybe knocking at my back door. Now that's some wild and crazy shit, but nothing I can't handle right?
Well, what happen was.....I was awaken this morning by the ringing of the phone. Looked at the clock and noticed I had over slept, which is not unusual..lol Anyway, I missed the call so I got up and stumbled through the house to the answering machine, and it's the woman from the doctor's office calling me to let me know that she has my results from my physical , but she says that I need to come in and talk with her because she couldn't descuss it over the phone....Don't ya just hate that!
So, I guess that it really didn't matter that I had over slept..lol....Seems that my plans had changed. ok, so I go down there, thinking the whole way of every possible infection, desease...shit everything was running through my mind. Finially, I get there, sat in the waiting room for God only knows how long. They finally call me back, and the chick tells me that my test showed that I have severe displasia in my cervex......Ok, so what the fuck does that mean?.....She tells me that it means I have cancer cells growing in my body at a high risk. Holy shit! What could be worse?!? Like I said..... It ain't nothing I can't handle. So, of course first things first...I set up an appointment through the cancer program at Goshen Medical and they will do a colposcopy . Then I guess I'll go from there, and we'll just see what happens. I'm feeling good about though. It was caught early, so that's got to be a plus right?
Ok, so I'm gonna throw an update at the end of this entry. I hate when people write five blogs about the same thing. It looks scattered and it irks me..lol
After a few days of wallowing in my own self pity, I applied for cancer funds, because I knew that I was not going to able to afford the doctor visits. Believe it or not, the government don't work as fast as you may think, nor do they give a shit about your personal situation. It took six months, give or take a few days, and a lot of headache, on my part, to get the funds. Anyway, but I got them, and so after about five doctors visits and a few test, the cells were pin pointed. It looked like it wasn't gonna be that bad, and it won't, not as bad as I thought anyway. A procedure was done in office, and now I'm in recovery. I'll go back in eight weeks for another test to make sure it's all gone.
I am so glad that this is almost over. It's not a good way to start off the year. Through this I have gained a very rigid out look on some things. I became wrapped up in myself and had taken for granted the people closest to me.. I hope that this was just a speed bump in the road and that I can spend the rest as a time worth living. Soon this will be a distant memory of just another experience I had to take on to be the person I am becoming......So... until then...yaw stay cool!! lol
P.S. If you are dying and you think you may need some sort of help from the government, please let them know at least six months in advance, or you may be surely done for! lol
1965 was the year of survival survival within your self survival within the people around you the people you meet on the street they were starving starving because they had no voice people were dying and it seemed there was nothing we could do I wasn't there but my mom was there My dad was there and Bob Dylan was there We were all there in spirit Angles who looked down and wept And the children who would soon be born wept
In 1965 we thought we didn't have a voice And then something happen We starting to write, we started to sing And people started to notice Congress began to notice People on the street started to notice You neighbor started to notice And for a moment in time
We had a power We had force We had a force to move We had a weapon against our own One that they thought we had forgotten We were one
And we would speak up And for once in history we had decided that the government Couldn't handle this situation They were incompetent They clearly had no idea what we were doing And if we the people did not step in We would face death, and the death of our freedom We the people for once decide our on fate And was not going to back down to a corrupted congress To decide our fate I truly wish I had been there That was a time in history that I would have liked to been a part of Close up and personal But it is personal, it should be personal to every American We have the power to speak in one harmonious voice We are the people and that means we should make the decisions how we live and how we live with others That includes internationally That point in history should linger in the back of your mind It should be kept sacred Many have forgotten And our children don't know And it seems it might come back around sooner than you think
I think War is a deceiver We get swept up in the action And we forget why we came We loose the cause It is called pride
I would fight a thousands wars And die a thousand deaths For my children and their children But I won't die for the pride of my government
Hands of hope reach for me And take me to the light Take me away To a graceful stay Don't let me fall in fright Or feel the pain of blood shed stain from predators in the night and if you please I plead on both knees Don't take away my sight
As frightening as it be I pray when death come for me Be swift, be delicate, be kind Come disguised as shining knight To give me piece of mind
confident