The Hoolinet Blog

Washington - pResident Bush today gave another ridiculous, Orwellian, completely divorced from reality speech on Iraq. This time he claimed the Iraq war was definitely "worth it." The following are some excerpts from that speech:

"The war in Iraq has definitely been worth all the sacrifices and cost - for me. I have definitely benefitted from all the suffering and hardship this war has created. I got to be a war pResident and call my critics unpatriotic. I got to completely distract people from the fact that I failed to catch bin Laden. Heck, I even distracted them from the fact that all my reasons for going to war were false. I also got to use the war as an excuse to give tax cuts to the rich while racking up huge deficits because of the war. Even I don’t follow the logic on that one"

"Of course it’s not only me who benefitted. Halliburton and many other corrupt companies have made a fortune ’rebuilding’ Iraq despite the fact that it’s still a disaster area. We have to take their shareholders into account when we calculate the benefits of this war as well."

"And let’s not forget Al Qaeda. In 2002 they were a small scared organization on the run. Because of Iraq they’re a growing organization, with new recruits joining up because of this war every day. And because we’re stuck in Iraq they’re actually regaining ground in Afhanistan. You’re welcome bin Laden. I don’t know anything better we could have done to screw up the war against terror than invade and occupy a muslim country that had nothing to do with 9-11."

"And of course there’s North Korea, Iran, Russia and Venezuela. Having our army stuck in Iraq was a green light to every tinpot dictator out there: make trouble, oppress your own people, get WMDs there’s nothing the US can do about it. They heard the call and they’re grateful for the opportunity."

"China is another big winner here. With our economy faltering and our debt growing, they’ve been able to basically take over our financial assets and our future. When we have to grovel to China throughout this century, I hope people remember to thank me for what I did, taking the world’s strongest economy and turning it into a beggar."

"Lastly, let’s not forget the humor writers. My administration has made so many obvious mistakes here I’ve given them material for years. From the John Stewarts and the Jay Lenos down to every idiot with a website who thinks they’re funny but really isn’t. Overall, yes this was worth it,can you imagine a world where none of this was true?"

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Why...
                        ...because I can.

1. China - Last week the Bush administration took China off its list of top human rights violators. This week China is shooting and arresting Tibetans all over the place. Good call Bush!

2. Geraldine Ferarro - She said Barack would not be where he was if he wasn’t a black man. This is not only racist, but so stupid Dinesh D’Souza or Bill O’Reilly should have said it. Because there’s so many black politicians. And Barack is the third black Senator since reconstruction. Yes, America loves all Black politicians. That’s why Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton had such easy roads to the White House. It must be because Obama’s black, rather than something about him. That’s why Obama was polled as way behind Clinton until two months ago and has mostly been neck and neck with her ever since.

She also said he wouldn’t be where he was today if he was a woman. Where is he today? A senator tied pretty closely with his rival for the nomination. Yes, no woman could do that. Nope, can’t find any evidence of it. How does the fact that Hillary was the crowned leader last fall and now has been pretty much tied with Obama for months prove she’s being discriminated against?

3. Other election news: Mississippi - Obama got the majority of the black vote and Hillary got the majority of the white vote. Basically the same results you would have had 100 years ago - if women or blacks had been allowed to vote. Great progress Mississippi!

4. Bush and Opec - Bush tried to convince Opec to raise production. Apparently this is the only thing he can think of after eight years of being in a position to move on any number of potential solutions to our energy problems. Too bad all that time holding hands with the king of Saudi Arabia didn’t work. Apparently they put oil profits ahead of the best interests of America. Wow, how could Bush have seen that coming or understand such a mindset?

5. The American economy - Basically every economic indicator says were headed into a bad recession. But just two weeks ago Bush promised us we weren’t headed into a recession. How could the world’s greatest economic mind be wrong? Good thing this is his first mistake or I might lose faith in the guy.

6. Cheney in Mideast - Cheney heads to the mideast to meet with leaders in Saudi Arabia and other countries and discuss energy among other things. His national security adviser said he had a "rich agenda." No kidding.

7. Iran - The conservatives won another election hands down, even though most people disagree with their agenda. Wow, that is a totally different system than ours.

8. The Pope - The Pope said it’s time for the violence in Iraq to stop. I imagine this call from the leader of the world’s largest Christian denomination should end the violence in Iraq momentarily.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Washington - Hillary Clinton’s use of her time in the White House in speeches and ads as evidence of her political experience has caused a strong reaction from women everywhere.

Gloria Steinem was one the first to speak out, "This is exactly what we wanted when we founded the feminist movement - for women to gain validity through their husbands experiences. Kudos to Hillary for proving a women’s ability to make something of herself - by riding her husband’s coat tails."

Laura Bush also spoke out, "I was with my husband for eight years in the white house and as a governor before that so I have almost as much experience as Hillary, I’m totally going to run for President. Seems I’m much more qualified to be in the White House than either Obama or McCain."

Sandy Green of Conneticut, whose husband is an astronaut, recently applied to lead a shuttle mission. "Obviously I’ve been involved in his life decisions, I’ve been there listening to him through all this. I must be qualified to command the space shuttle."

Julie Nicholson of Alabama also declared her new found experience, "My husband has been a heart surgeon for 30 years. I’m going to apply to the hospital’s surgical team as well. Let’s see if any other applicants can top my 30 years of helping my husband make decisions."

This new found discovery of the usefulness of vicarious experience is not only affecting women. Several of Elizabeth Taylor’s ex husbands have recently began screening for lead actress roles in movies, citing their experience as great Hollywood actresses.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Washington - The Republican party, as well as conservative pundits acros the country, have decided to endorse Hillary Clinton as the Democratic candidate they most want to win the nomination.  The endorsement came as no surprise to anyone, and reflects strong consensus among Republicans that Hillary is the Democrat they can most easily defeat.

Republican party spokesman Mack E. Ahvelli described his party's position, "We wanted a Democrat who brings out our base, doesn't do well with independents and can easily be demonized by us. We've been preparing to run against her for 16 years, we're ready."

Republican front runner John McCain summed up his strategy, "My biggest weakness is my constant hawkishness on this war and refusal to admit it was a mistake. Most Americans think it was a mistake, so any Democrat with credibility on this issue can wipe the floor with me. Thankfully Hillary supported the war, continued to support it for years, merely criticizing certain details and only in the last year tried to reinvent herself as anti-war. Now some people with short term memories might buy it, but she's got no real leg to stand on, her position hasn't been that different from Bush's for most of this war."

Hillary Clinton accepted the nomination, adding, "I'd like to thank Mr. McCain, who seems to bear more of a resemblance to a goldfish at feeding time as the campaign goes on. I'm ready for this nomination. I will do Republicans proud, by being a lightning rod for their base and failing to win in November. And if by some miracle I do win I promise to continue the war. My record shows that if they call me nasty names I move to the right on any issue. I promise to be as spineless as a stoned jellyfish. I've voted for George Bush's budgets, his wars, his wiretapping and torture and I can be nearly as conservative as you are. And if I'm not, just question my patriotism and I promise we'll be bombing Iran in a week."

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

Washington - The FDA today declared Soylent Green and all similar products safe for human consumption. The decision was handed down without public debate and very little news coverage.

FDA spokesman Frank N. Fudes described the decision, "We have merely declared Soylent Green fit for human consumption, we haven't actually put it on the market. Therefore there's no need for public debate or a detailed examination of the issues involved by anyone. We're not going to make a big deal out of this, we'll just let a few years go by and without anyone knowing it, Soylent Green will be part of the food supply. That's the best way for this to work."

Following the Bush administration's highly successful strategy of working with industry and getting rid of regulation in favor of "voluntary compliance", big agro-business will quietly introduce Soylent Green into the food supply at a time they choose. Said industry spokesman Apac O. Lippse, "We realized the public might be uneasy with this, so the best thing to do is give them no say in the matter. Foods will not be labeled as to whether they contain Soylent Green or not, this will spare the public a lot of confusion and worry. People can be crazy, it's best to trust uncontrolled industry when it comes to the public health."

The announcement was greated with applause by all parties involved, including big agro-business, big food processing, big biogenetics firms, and politicians who get campaign contributions from all of them. The only dissenting voice was a barely audible shout which sounded vaguely like Charleton Heston.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2008 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

The following excerpt is from the newly approved Science textbook for Texas school districts. It is based on Intelligent Design theory, which is completely different from creationism and researched using totally proven scientifical methods and stuff.

Three thousand years after the earth was created (In exactly the shape it is today.) God noticed an increase in wickedness. People began to pay attention to liberal cave drawings and turned from their Christian ways. (Since everyone was always Christian back then. And White. And spoke English.) Some wanted the wealthy to pay taxes. Others sinned by giving handouts to poor people, which only made them lazy. Others lived in harmony with nature, rather than raping and destroying it. All in all God had no choice but to destroy the wicked ones. So he sent a big flood. And if the poor people didn't get evacuated on the ark then it was their own darn fault and certainly not the government's place to help them.

Anyway, Noah (Who was white and spoke English and never immmigrated anywhere, at least not without the proper papers.) gathered all the animals on his ark, including all the Dinosaurs, who lived in harmony with people.

All went well for awhile, but then some of the Dinosaurs started practicing sodomy (Which they learned from liberal scrolls smuggled onto the Ark, because no one thinks of these things on their own.) Noah was fair and left them alone for awhile, because he knew God would smite them for being different.

But that was Noah's mistake. Once the Stegosaurus acted gay, the Brontosaurus, who'd never been gay before, thought "Wow, that looks like a tempting lifestyle, I'm totally going to be gay now." The previously devout Hadrosaurs saw this and suddenly started being gay too. Eventually all the dinosaurs, who'd never had a gay thought in their life before, couldn't resist the temptation of the gay lifestyle, which happens to ordinary heterosexuals, since no one is ever actually gay.

Noah tried to talk sense into the Dinosaurs, but they were corrupted beyond measure, even hosting a Judy Garland festival on the foredeck. The final straw came when a T-Rex came to Noah as the captain of the ship and asked to marry his partner, a previously butch, God-fearing, assault rifle owning Triceratops. This was too much, and Noah had the dinosaurs thrown overboard, where the great flood buried them in deep layers under all the other sediment of the flood, to show future archaeologists how they fell from God's grace. And that's the scientifical, historicalogical honest truth.

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.

I just learned that Kevin Dubrow passed away. If you weren't a Heavy Metal fan in the 1980's (Although many claim to be now) he was the lead singer of Quiet Riot. While they were only big for a brief period of time their 1983 debut album "Metal Health" with the hit single "Cum on Feel the Noize" was the first heavy metal album to hit number one. They paved the way for the L.A. Metal explosion of the 1980s. So as a former headbanger I feel I should pour out a 40 oz of hairspray for my homie who ain't around no more. Instead I did this song parody based on one of their songs in tribute. Why...
                           ...because I can.

Nostalgia
(To the tune of "Metal Health" by Quiet Riot)

While I'm a headbanger, teenager
Momma says that I'm in real danger
Got no brains, I'm insane
Teacher says that I'm one big pain
It was the 80's, we went crazy
Ronald Reagan said we were just lazy
I want it louder
More power
Blast Tipper Gore outta her ivory tower
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Well we're all aged
But not dated, critics say we were over-rated
Time has moved up and we're all grownup
Top 40 fans you have all been shown up
We got the voice to make the noise
Won't ever let up
Hope it annoys you
Join the pack
Feel the crack
We're all still here
There's no way back
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Nostalgia will drive you crazy
Nostalgia will drive you mad
Nostalgia is what we all need
It's what we're all gonna have
Bang your head
Wake the dead
We're all metal mad
It's all you have
So bang your head
And raise the dead
Oh yeah!
Nostalgia
It's not too bad
Bad, bad
Oh let preachers see devils and witches oh
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Phil Collins fans are weak ass bitches, Rock on, Rock on, Rock on
Bang your head! Nostalgia will drive you mad
Bang your head!

Courtesy Mark Hoolihan and the Hoolinet (www.hoolinet.com)
Copyright 2007 Boniface Bugle Productions. All Rights Absurd.