SSB-Related Entry

Carrie Bradshaw has talked about SSB: Secret Single Behavior. The shit that we do in the comfort of our home, when no one's around, when no one's looking.
I recall hers being something about crackers and stacking them while reading fashion magazines.
i try not to be a creature of habit, having just one SSB over the years.
I remember, in the eighth grade, I used to read the Sweet Valley High books, which chronicled the drama and scandals of a pair of the polar opposite identical twins Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, in my top bunk, quickly tucking them away, anytime anyone walked into the room. I never admitted to anyone outside of the family that I read that stuff cause it goes without saying that reading those books was a quick giveaway that I was gay!! Only my dear sister shared my interest in them.
I also remember my junior year, during my ghetto phase, when I used to wear track pants, with one leg up, just like LL Cool J, and a backwards cap, I'm sure I might've looked the part, but my voice was a dead giveaway, no matter....I used to listen to "Genie in a Bottle" on repeat, dancing to that shit in my room...I think my cousin walked in on me once and laughed for ages. Dancing in your room by yourself and getting caught, they might as well have walked in on you taking a shit!
I don't know why the fuck I'm blogging about SSB right now. Oh, right. The point was that I think mine right now, would be sitting next to the fan propped up against the kitchen window, one leg on the orange office chair, a neglected cigarette burning in the glass ashtray, i'm sitting there a little past midnight, amanda's already asleep in her room, thinking of what i could do around the house quietly, besides reading cause i'm a little too ansy for that while i'm savoring every bite of peanut butter toast. In that moment, I wonder what my SSB will be next.

1:20 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Society-Related Question

I wonder what society would be like if there were no such things as insecurities? People were comfortable in their own skin. People looked at each other and appreciated all of our differences. A smile from a stranger wasn't misconstrued as anything else besides a friendly hello.
I know drama is necessary to make life interesting and that it's part of human nature...
but why the fuck can't we all just get along?

11:12 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Everyday
Category: Blogging

I honestly don't know what I'm doing up this early in the morning because I seriously was just puking my brains out a few hours ago, swearing to myself I would never drink again. And in my sleeplessness, i decided to grab my laptop and just start blogging, hoping that all the thinking would make me fall asleep.
WRONG.
I'm actually more awake than ever and the spokes in my mind just can't stop spinning. My thoughts alternate between epiphanies of the day like realizing the beauty of the Everyday (I'm stuffed with cheese) to the most retarded shit ever (I wonder what I was in a previous life and why I think I was a rambunctious country gal like Anne of Green Gables).
Sometimes, all this thinking, evaluating, observing can be tiring. it's something that I've had my entire life, as long as I can remember. In fact, one of my mom's favorite anecdotes about my childhood is the one where the doctor tell us that the migraines i was suffering at the age of seven were due to stress. I've always thought of my incessant thinking as a curse, always wishing that I could just let some things not bother me or just choose not to acknowledge certain things, but only recently I've learned how to control the things i choose to acknowledge...sort of turn down the volume in that aspect.
I used to think that being too sensitive or overly dramatic was a flaw that needed to be phased out but I realize how those emotions are totally understandable but also detrimental. We might not have control over our feelings and emotions but we certainly have control on how they can affect us.
This whole spiel was only supposed to be an introduction to a blog I wrote earlier on another site but it's turned into a whole other one. ACK. I can't sleep!
Anyway, since i'm bored, here is the other one.
I have a t-shirt that says "Drama is Life with the dull parts cut out."
It's a totally random shirt, with a weird dotted picture of an old man's silhouette that was in the shape of an apple at the same time. It was a sort of light green the color of lime-flavored yogurt. I hardly ever wear it. I don't even know why I bought it. I guess I just liked what the shirt said.
Even though we all tend to take the daily and mundane for granted, there is sort of a beauty to it at the same time. As humans, we create patterns upon patterns in our lives. Even the most impetuous and unpredictable of us all create a pattern of chaos and randomness. For many of us, the daily grind, the everyday is what takes up a huge chunk of our lives. Hopefully, when we tire of a particular pattern, we shake things up and then create a new and improved pattern!
However, I am also the kind of person that gets bored real easily. I don't know if it's because the media has just trained its viewers to be constantly entertained every second of the day...but the second I get bored of something, I just change the channel. It's kind of sad to think that I have sort of become like that in real life.
Even though I'm trying to advertise the beauty of the Everyday, i know I should be telling myself the same thing. It's only in the Everyday do we find the sprinkling of sporadic moments where you realize that in the midst of the chaos and madness (that we, as humanity, have in many cases, concocted ourselves!), that there is the Life worth living.

11:43 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Heroes-Related Question

The question was going to come someway or another and I guess what better time to raise than now that I am trying to entertain myself the best that I can.
So, I don't know if you can tell with my Heroes fanatic wallpaper on my MySpace, but Amanda and I have recently finished the first season on DVD and needless to say, it's like getting a great dose of crack (I don't really know what that's like....) and then upon the speedy descent into sobriety, fiending and craving for more with every fiber of your being (again, I have no idea what that's like, but I'm guessing...haha)
So, the trite yet inevitable question I like to ask is if you could have any superpower, anything that's already on the show or anything you can make up on your own, what would it be? and why?
Fellow Heroes viewers have mostly responded with wanting to share Hiro's ability to teleport through time. Which is totally understandable considering there are so many things in all of our lives that, given the chance to time travel, we would like to change. Makes me wonder what are the things about ourselves that would make us use our "superpowers" not only for betterment of our selves but also for good? Kinda depends on the power, I guess.
If I had the power to travel back in time, I would take some people with me, ranging from some friends of mine, respectable contemporary political figures, the great spiritual minds of today, and how-could-i-forget, in the spirit of the reality-TV mania of today, a camera crew to chronicle the whole damn thing!
We would all sit down and figure out certain turning points in history, when the fates of so many people and generations thereafter would be affected, and not necessarily try to change the entire course of history by preventing the death of a political leader or an actual event from happening, but prevent all the negative things that have caused people to do horrible things. what if there were present-day mediators when the Spanish and the Incas first interacted? What if any one of the European king's men during the onset of slavery told him that the Africans they were recruiting against their will should at least be paid and treated with respect? What if someone befriended Adolf Hitler as a child and taught him something about everyone being the same even though we all might seem different? Now, THAT would be one good-ass reality TV show. Well, only if I had the superpower to time travel.
However, because wanting the ability to time travel is absolutely, positively, sooo cliche and I wouldn't be able to grapple with the fact that I would be responsible for all these ripples in time, I wouldn't want that superpower.
Which leads me to another superpower I wouldn't want. Not because of its immense repsonsibility or trite factor but for the fear that I would not only use it for my own personal benefit, but because I would use it for evil. Candice, a super-periphery character on the show, has the power to make people see what she wants them to see. A minion of Linderman (a casino head honcho who seems to know too much about all the Heroes), she often masqueraded as one of the Heroes' loved ones to coerce/trick them into doing anything. When Linderman asks Niki, the dual-personality with super strength mother of young Micah, if he could "borrow" her son's ability to manipulate electronic machines and she says no, Candice is sent disguised as Niki and basically kidnaps Micah.
Not only can you pretend to be anybody you wanted and don any mask you pleased, you can create scenarios and settings for people and they would believe everything and anything. You can hypothetically make anyone live in a fantasy world of your choice. And this is where the evil part comes in. This might kinda scary, but I had this power and someone pissed me off, I could totally come up to them and just create this enternal hell for them and they wouldn't know the difference between what was real and what wasn't. I wouldn't need to keep this vision going because it would be hard to come out of any Hades nightmare unscathed. It would be something that could be haunting forever. And what's scary for me is that it would be hard to draw the line when doing that would be a good idea or not because I would totally be tempted to do it to anybody who pissed me off. Wouldn't you? Please say yes so I don't feel evil. haha. yeah, no camera crews for that superpower.
So, finally, I'm going to answer my own question cause I'm really hungry now and I've been writing this shit for the past forty-five minutes and if i don't finish this now, I'm going to starve to death because I can seriously go on and on.
Basically, if I had any superpower, I would choose to just make people happy just by touching them. Not the fake, fleeting kind of happy, but the kind of happy that the person already has and just amplifying it. Wouldn't the world be a cooler place if I had that power? haha.

11:54 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Britney-Related Question

I honestly hate that I'm perpetuating the whole nasty Britney-whatever spectacle but I can't help but raise a question upon stumbling one of the million articles about her in the 'loids.
So I think it was last night at Safeway, minutes before last call, when one of the many cover stories about her was criticizing her spending habits. (It's absolutely sick how fascinated we are -obviously myself included- with her...is it because we can't turn from the train wreck and the examination of the American Dream Gone Wrong??)
According to the article, Britney makes approximately $737,000 a month.
I know she most likely attained that sort of income through her hard work since the beginning of her career. I am not here to Britney-dis, it's sort of unrelated to the question at hand.
I cannot even begin to elaborate on how she makes that money and I won't even try. Researching for that is hardly worth my time. I'm not THAT obsessed with her, but...
I couldn't help but ask, WHAT WOULD I DO WITH THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY EVERY MONTH?
Let's say, you earned Britney's paycheck for simply being you. And you got to do whatever you wanted to do (whatever profession or maybe no professional profession at all), how would you spend your time. Also, you got to hire however big a staff to do any absolutely anything for your bidding, who would you hire? How miniscule or how massive your staff would be?
It's kinda interesting, even only theoretically and hypothetically, to ask this Britney-related question to ourselves and realize how even though money can get a bad wrap in society in general but how it has the potential to do some good.

11:06 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I Love Halloween.

i was sitting on the bottom of this random kid's winding staircase, trying to lean back, realizing every few seconds that there was nothing to lean on.
staring at the orange light at the end of my cigarette. so far, it's been some halloween.
even though it isn't actually the 31st of the month, it's been a nice tradition in the castro to celebrate "gay halloween" on the saturday before.
the last minute costume i chose at wasteland the night before was a green, one-piece military mechanic outfit of some sort with black make-up grease-smudged all over my face and half-unzipped exposed chest.
all my friends were in the backyard of a friend of a friend's party and i was sitting at the front of the house, half-eagerly awaiting the next party frontier.
the main reason i wasn't back there with them was because it seemed too difficult for me to swoop by the kid when he was freaking out that someone actually broke his front door. unfortunately, the situation required more than a screwdriver. the cheap wooden door was actually cracked at the side. it's amazing how alcohol can release the hulk in some people.
the little asian kid dressed as one of the von trapp children with the white collared undershirt and the funny light green short overall getup with the flowers on the suspenders and the harry potter glasses stomped up the stairs, exclaiming the party is OVER.
i felt bad already but i know if i actually knew the damn kid (the friend of a friend, i'm sure he's a cool guy if i did know him) i would've already been consoling and offering support, unlike his rather tall tranny (i don't know if he was dressed like dennis rodman in drag simply for the occasion or he did that in real life) who was laughing the whole time.
that would suck if that happened to me.
i took another drag of my cigarette as i coolly glanced at the passerbys on 18th street. it's these few moments when i step out of the party by myself to contemplate on the night so far. even though, it was already past last call, i still felt like the night had a long way to go. this way, i could be alone while i recuperate and regain some energy before i continue to rage on.
it's funny that i realized that this was one of the first halloweens where there weren't many duplicate costumes. people have gotten creative and more individualistic on their costume choices. however, i did notice many costumes i've seen on many a rack at any random halloween store. as intricate and detail-oriented the costumes, there were also many people not in costume. losers.
halloween has become one of my favorite holidays.
it's a spooky and eerie tradition that is meant for chills and goosebumps, as well as a great opportunity to dress up however you want, with a hypothetically lesser fear of judgment. we can be as slutty, naughty, scary, and attention-grabby as we want.
one of my favorite costumes this year was this blonde tranny that really really looked like a woman from afar, with a dead giveaway voice, that wore a two-piece wilma flintstone-like gold lame/cheetah print outfit with a fake (and bunched up/fat) snake wrapped around him/her and a huge tree branch (with smaller branches with leaves and all) taped to i have no idea what with what i remember to be a pink bird on top that swayed whenever he/she made the slightest move. i'm' guessing the costume was going for eve and the tempter snake devil person.
i would've been more interested in what he/she had to say, if he was a tad more coherent and a lot less creepy/needy. (who tries to book a lounging singing gig at an asian fusion restaurant with a patio to one of the servers?) i guess halloween wouldn't be the same without the freaks.
speaking of creepy freaks, there was also a clown, stereotypically complete with the bright red frizzy wig, white make-up, and the red nose. even with his mickey mouse hands and feet, he was still scary, insisting on coming along to head back to the party with us. even though i tried ask him diplomatically to leave us alone because his costume was really freaking one of my friends out. (she was wasted. scratch that, we were all pretty gone. how i can recount this is truly a gift, i'm beginning to think) i can understand how it can be hurtful when people won't let you tag along to a party, but when you're dressed as a clown for halloween, you're not exactly going to make a lot of friends unless you know some people already. strangers dressed in real scary costumes as opposed to those that disguise you are really, truly scary. his nasty reaction to my diplomacy didn't help very much either.
took a while to get rid of him. it's so funny how some people just don't get a hint sometimes. even when it's being said to your face.
my thought process was interrupted as more and more people are stumbling down the winding steps. the music was definitely off. i know i should stand up at this point because right now, i look like a tweaked out kid sitting on the pavement but it's halloween, so i don't give a fuck.
many unfamiliar (not any familiar or cute enough for me to stand up for) faces and voices pour out of the party, breaking out into different cliques on the sidewalk. looking back at almost every person that is stepping out of the house, i anticipate seeing all my friends. the time alone was nice, but after a few minutes, i'm ready to be reunited. the buzz is wearing off. i hate it when that happens when it's already past last call. only when there's stashed alcohol or whatever can the night last any longer.
i hear a familiar voice and i get up finally, lifting myself without touching the pavement with my hands, silently acknowledging my secret phobia of touching the city cement ground. you never know what germs you can get from them. one by one, i take note of all that are still standing, hugging the ones i haven't seen earlier in the night. every single person did a great job on their costumes. in addtion to frida kahlo, mr. tumnes of narnia, a tree sprite, the sexy and a lil' slutty cowboy, the glittery topless ninja turtle and the sailor i was already accompanying, the catholic schoolboy, the school marm and the ballerina were there too.
oh god. i love halloween.

10:57 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Waking Up is Hard to Do

i open my eyes and take a short glimpse of my routine first sight. the pictures of my friends and my family on the walls, the three tiny succulents on my windowsill and the wooden cherry-colored blinds shielding the morning sunlight but still revealing the windows of the buildings crouched next door.
just as soon as i've opened my eyes, i quickly close them again. for some reason, i have this feeling that i am not ready to face this day.
already, it hasn't even been a split second into this day, and already i feel like i've lost my balance.
i ask myself what day it is.
i methodically try to recall what i did yesterday. the reels and sprockets in my brain immediately start spinning and my mind starts to simulataneously list the events of the day before as well as the people i've seen, what the weather was like, something funny i told myself to take note of but i can't really remember right this second, if i went shopping, which leads to shoppers' remorse and then upon realizing that i didn't spend too much money on that and that now that i think about, when i feel like i've been drinking too much this week: drinkers' remorse. oh that's probably what's causing this feeling of unease so early into the day. and maybe because i feel like people are right when they tell me that i think about things too much.
i can probably remember everything from last night but i would really need to sit down and actually think about it. usually, what happens is that randomly throughout the next day, flashbacks overcome me and hopefully, someone from the night before will be with me because if not (which is usually the case) i'm sitting there laughing at myself on my own. i think if i saw me doing that, i would think i was crazy. but it doesn't matter because i can honestly say that last night was fun.
who would've thought that two dirty grey goose martinis on an empty stomach could send my night into a frenzy?
it was three gay boys, two straight girls, and a "halfer" girl. (me, danny, austin, elina, amanda and kat) we met up at a mission bar dalvo i've never been to, which i always thought was a goth bar from the outside. but it was pretty cute inside. narrow but cute, with a huge projector screen on the back wall. i think gene kelly was on it at one point but i think everyone was looking at it when what i remember seeing was a drunk santa claus with tousled, frizy white hair laying on the ground, trying to get up, with a wheelbarrow on his lap. i'm telling ya there is always some random shit playing on those screens at bars. we grew tired of no one knowing us and of course, with the lack of familiarity and dancing, we headed to the transfer. or what i like to call the living room. we are always there. there's always someone there. it's always fun. or we make it fun.
the photo booth amused us. the upbeat, 80's disco with a fast beat amused us. amanda's pole dancing amused us. actually, really amused us. it was as if nomi malone decided to possess her for one night so she inspire more people to be dancers, not strippers like her. it worked. i wanna be like nomi malone! the straights disappeared into a cab, but after amanda claimed she was bitten on her arm, which i hope was by someone without rabies. we got bored, said bye to kat and trudged to the parking lot and the wide building across the street. you can't help but resist the bright red letters that spell S A F E W A Y. really, there's nothing else open at this hour besides sparky's and whatever but that didn't even cross our minds last night. dealing with that amateur mess of a crowd on a friday night is too much to deal with. besides, grocery shopping wasted seems a lot more fun!
safeway was like disneyland last night, while austin was pushing a cart with me in it as we zig-zagged the aisles and dodged the shipping boxes and called them traffic as we tossed random groceries onto my lap. needless to say, many of them didn't make the final cut on the conveyor belt. actually, almost nothing made the final cut except for some damn goldfish (which i usually hate but they tasted unusually delectable at the transfer when i don't even know who gave some to us in a plastic red cup), some pizza we didn't even end up cooking, and some milano cookies: my absolute favorite (obviously, my moratorium on cookies has come to an abrupt end). and oh my god, how can i forget bagging th groceries of the guy behind us in line only because danny and austin thought he was cute. they even managed to get a close picture of him. he was nice. he accepted the cheese string they offered him. i think we thought it was funnier because he was straight. (i think.) and it was something to do because we were all stuck in line together because the safeway computer crashed right when i needed to get rung up. it was like we were all in a elevator together but more space and no music and a distressed, frantic sick cashier blowing her nose with paper towels which i think is so bad for your nose. i always tell people to invest in those really soft kleenex kind.
whoa. pause.
now, that i feel like my balance is restored, the next mission is to get out of bed. since i don't work until later in the evening, i plan some things to do for the afternoon before i have to clock in. i could take a bike ride in the park; it looks sunny enough outside, i could call up a neighbor and have a quiet brunch (ah, too lazy), i could smoke that post-sleep cigarette and just deal with the regret after enjoying the nicotine rush in the morning (sometimes, i think i need someone to hold me at gunpoint in order for me to quit but i think even then i wouldn't be able to separate myself from my parliament lights for too long. wow, it's true what they say: nicotine is THAT addictive)
you know what? i'm up. i'm going for a smoke.

11:04 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Huh?

I can't believe i just wrote that. i am such a hippie.
i kinda like it. "is that bad?"

1:24 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The Room, The Reminders and The Ticket

i am in a crowded room of people who care about me. some of them i've known my whole life. some of them i've known for a short time. many of them i've only known for the past two years. regardless of the length of time, these people are the reasons why i feel like i belong.
i belong to my family. i belong to several tribes.
i share an infinite number of different kinds of relationships with all these people. i may consider some of them my best friends, my good friends, or my acquaintances. rank is not important in this room. i've let them in because i see something beautiful in them. at the risk of sounding trite, in many different ways, i love all the people in this room. but no matter how many people i let in this room, there are split seconds during the day when i feel a little completely alone.
it really goes to show that no matter how much we have, we always want something more. but in no way do i want to sound unappreciative or ungrateful.
everything i have (loyal, trustworthy friends, a wonderful family to depend on, a decent wage to support my personal fundamental needs, a roof over my head in one of the most well-known districts in one of the best cities in world and finally the youth and good health of a 25 year old man) i am absolutely grateful for. i'm making sure to take care of the basics. and i'm doing it, with a liiiittle help from the people in my room, on my own.
however, i do know that there is always room for self-improvement.
i may not be my absolute ideal self but i definitely feel like i'm on my way there. how long it's going to take, i don't know. if i haven't left to get there yet, i've at least already bought the ticket and packed my bags already.
the reason why i'm listing the gifts in my life is because no one else is outwardly, directly pointing them out to me. everyone in my room, myself included, is well aware of my fortunes. but, sometimes it takes personal reminders to remind yourself of what you do have as opposed to what you don't have.
and it got me thinking. maybe what we're looking for and sometimes we don't find right now is that other person to remind us about those reminders.
that person to tell us how special we are in that special way. that person that's a part of you but isn't you. that person who simply understands and loves you. the nitty-gritty HDTV, kinda bootleg, extended, unedited, director's cut version of you.
and it got me thinking again. yeah, ALL that would be nice but really... as of right now, i don't necessarily need that other to remind me of things that i already have in my head. the gifts and the treasures i possess which i only share with the people in my room. those reminders are nice and sometimes overrated and it's no doubt that those reminders come with a price. nothing, at least anything worthy, comes for free.
even though i may feel uneasy during those split seconds i feel a little completely alone, i have myself to tell me that i'm going to be fine, as i mentally pat the ticket departing for "Ideal Self" (scheduled sometime real soon) in my back right pocket.

12:09 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

I was just thinking...

i don't consider myself a picky person. i don't even have outrageous requests to leave out the onions or leave the sauce on the side when i order food at a restaurant. i don't have any aversion towards any one type of music (well, except for stuff that can be degoratory, which is not to be confused for controversial or "offensive"). i can appreciate all kinds of fashion, no matter how replicating or wayward an individual's style can be.
but for some reason, as picky as i deem myself i'm not, there are things about people that upon first bad impression, that can make me easily write them off.
how hard is it to look straight at someone's eyes when you first shake their hand?
how hard is it to smile when a friend introduces you to someone?
i just really don't get it.
i know i might be sounding borderline psychotic right now, but i decided on listing my pet peeves once they come to mind. it sounds so bad but i have so many and some could be understandable and realistic while some can be so out-there and impossible to expect out of everybody.
so consider this on record, pet peeve 1893785093284. Thank you for your time.
What are some of your pet peeves?

9:13 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment