This week at the Bargain Bin Review... I get way more mileage out of the phrase "Fisty Sword" than should be legally allowed.
HAWK THE SLAYER * * * * (1980, 90 minutes, Rated PG) Roll a d20 to save vs. cheese.
"This is the story of Heroic Deeds and the bitter struggle for the triumph of Good over Evil and of a wondrous Sword wielded by a might Hero when the Legions of Darkness stalk the land."
I think you know I didn’t make that up. That would be the opening prologue, copied word for word by your intrepid reviewer as it was displayed during the opening moments of Hawk the Slayer. This opening is also narrated in a style that might have single-handedly inspired the creation of Tenacious D.
Grab your Elven Cloak of Corny Goodness +1 and then proceed directly to the Bargain Bin Review for the full skivvy.
Coming Soon: I was tagged the other day... I haven’t been ignoring it, I’ve just been putting it off ’til this weekend.
And just because it’s been a while, here’s a choice music video for Fun on Friday...
New at the Bargain Bin Review. This was the movie TonyD was originally going to review for my site, but he said it was "too good." No way I could let that go, so I had to check it out for myself.
The verdict? Yee-haw!
FLIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD * * * * (2007, 96 min, Unrated) I have had it with these motherfucking zombies on this motherfucking plane!
It was a dark and stormy night... yet again... and right off the bat, we get a glimpse of the quality of this film: We see that the plane where 90% of the action will take place is absolutely huge -- the kind that has one of those spiral staircases up to a second level. AND the flight is fully outfitted with gorgeous flight attendants. Why can’t I ever get this flight?
Please fasten your seatbelts and put your trays in the upright position before heading on over to the full review.
New at the Bargain Bin Review... Much thanks to L to the Izzo for bringing this... film to my attention.
PINOCCHIO’S REVENGE * * *(1996, 96 minutes, Rated R) READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: He’s back... and this time, he’s MAD.
Many years ago, I happened to view a certain, uh, "non-theatrical production" titled Pornocchio. The tag line? "It’’ not his nose that grows!" Yes, really. The scene I remember best involved a woman insisting Pornocchio tell her lies while he plowed her from behind: "I enjoy paying taxes!" "Oh!" "Nixon was not a crook!" "OH! Yes!"
Yes, that is real dialogue from the movie. One doesn’t easily forget a thing like that. And no, this anecdote doesn’t have anything to do with the movie I’ll be reviewing in this piece. I just didn’t think I’ll ever have a better opportunity to tell you all about Pornocchio.
This must mean... something. I'm about to start doing some side work for an up-and-coming site called Dust Jacket Review -- a literary-based online social community. Think of it as "MySpace for Book-Lovers."
And yes, I will be unveiling some book review haikus there from time to time.
The nature of the site got me to thinking about my favorite books, my Top Three coming immediately to mind... and I immediately noticed something they all had in common. Hard to miss, even if you've never read the books:
ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell, in which talking animals take over a farm in this worker's revolution gone wrong fable THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE by C.S. Lewis, in which four British kids travel to a land of talking animals and perpetual winter WATERSHIP DOWN by Richard Adams, in which talking rabbits go on the run across the countryside and alternate between running from and brawling with other woodland creatures.
With a special guest appearance by The Wolf! No, not that one... our very own Fred [The Wolf]. And he doesn't disappoint...
SHARK ATTACK * (1999, 100 minutes, Rated R) I can't believe there's a film worse than Jaws: The Revenge.
"SHARK ATTACK is about a marine biologist named Steven (Casper Van Dien) who travels to South Africa when he learns one of his good friends were murdered due to a shark attack. The dead friend's sister (Jennifer McShane) suspects foul play in her brother's death and Steven decides to help her get to the bottom of things [which means that he'll end up porking her as repayment]."
So kool. Really, it was just a matter of time before I got around to this movie...
KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE * * * * (1988, 86 minutes, Rated PG-13) An Amerikan Klassik
"I'll be greased up and fried! What in the blue blazes is the circus doing up in these parts?" -- Farmer "I'm surprised I didn't poke the alien with a stick" Gene Green
Good question. We open on a typical Friday night in a small-town Americana college town, during those innocent days of the 1980s. It feels so fresh-faced (How fresh-faced is it?!?), that this could almost be the 1950s instead of the 1980s -- that was probably done on purpose, since much of the film is a parody of The Blob.
Sexiest Entry Ever. It's raining slushy crap for the upteenth day here, and I'm sick and bloated on holiday candy. Can't think of anything hotter right now.
Speaking of hot...
SENORITA JUSTICE * * * (2003, 88 minutes, Rated R) Imagine Steven Seagal in a mid-drift... On second thought, don't.
Let's get this out of the way right now: Contrary to what anyone interested in getting you to rent or buy this film might claim (I'm looking at you, Netflix), this movie does NOT star Eva Longoria. Unless by "star" they mean "shows up for a half-dozen scenes." Very bad form -- at least as misleading as calling Desperate Housewives an Emmy-winning "comedy." I can't begin to tell you how much I was looking forward to seeing the plastic Longoria do an impersonation of the wooden Seagal. Looks like if I want to see that, I'm gonna have to win the Publishers Clearing House and make the movie myself.
And for those of you celebrating your Valentine's Day a day late, here's a little something to help set the mood (because you and your Certain Special Someone always head directly to the House of Nolahn to get in the mood)...
Yes, that is indeed what's new at the Bargain Bin Review. When I come up with my Reader Appreciation Polls, I always have a movie in mind for each answer choice. Last month, I threw "Something with Unicorns" in for a laugh.
Let's see who's laughing now.
MY LITTLE PONY: THE MOVIE * (1986, 89 minutes, Unrated) READER APPRECIATION POLL WINNER: I don't know what I did to piss you off this time.
Let Ol' Nolahn be the one to break it to you: Being a parent is chock-full of small horrors no one ever warns you about. Sure, you know all about the stinky diapers, but how 'bout the excrement bombs that go shooting up your little darling's back? Or the look of sheer terror on your child's face the first time he or she vomits. Or, speaking of vomit, the array of terrible children's programming you find yourself subjected to.
Yes, that is a real movie. This cult classic was brought to my attention by Tom Perry: Party Guy, and is just further proof that he is a good and just man. You see, this week's movie is the story of... well, check it out:
DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS * * * * (1977, 80 minutes, Unrated) Yes, the title pretty much says it all.
The movie opens on a blank screen with only the sound of someone eating a carrot... or maybe celery? Hard to say, but as you might have guessed, the "title character" is not a vegetarian. I thought I'd be able to write this review based on the title alone, but no. This movie is even weirder than that.
Weiner Poopie! Weiner Poopie! Weiner Poopie! Yes, it's been far too long since I put up a Fun on Friday, and for that, I am sorry. I've been in full-on Job Hunt mode, and strangely, that has kept me busier during the past couple weeks than I've been in months.
That reminds me: Make sure I make the ironic-esque post about my current occupation sooner than not. You'll probably have to nag me.
I don't know about you, but when I've been head down for an extended period of time, I'm so focused on that unidentifiable thing stuck to my shoe or being grateful to still be able to see my feet that I miss the Big Picture: Life is pretty damned weird.
Take, for example, double-pawed cats. Or strawberry milk. Or the presidential campaign of Fred Thompson.
And then there's this news piece, which successfully stuffs 10 lbs. of weiner poopie weirdness into a 5 lbs. bag. If there's a hero in this clip, it's the reporter, who manages to get through the entire piece with a straight face.
How can you resist a title like that? "Something set in Pittsburgh" was the Reader Apperciation Poll winner for December, so it's off to the Steel City we go...
BLOODSUCKING PHARAOHS IN PITTSBURGH * * * * (1991, 89 minutes, Rated R) You guys sure know how to pick 'em!
That's quite the title, eh? So let's get this out of the way: For reasons I can't explain, Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh fails to include 1) bloodsucking, 2) pharaohs, or even guys running around in pharaoh hats, or 3) anything involving Pittsburgh.
I usually penalize movies for this kind of thing, but I'm going to make an exception.
New at the 'Bin... One last piece of 2007 business before the Bargain Bin Review can flip its calendar. This shoulda been posted weeks ago -- damn you, Netflix!
SANTA CLAWS * * (1996, 120 minutes, Rated R) The family that slays together, stays together.
I have to admit, I was a bit nervous about this film when Shock-o-Rama appeared in the opening credits, largely because I thought these were the same folks that made this movie. Fortunately, no. Shock-o-Rama makes their own assortment of smut. Having said that, this holiday leftover was much like actual holiday leftovers: Lukewarm and not very satisfying. Check out the full review here.
Are we having fun yet? Yes, I'm still around, it's just that blogging (and the Bargain Basement Review, come to think of it) have had to take a back seat the past few weeks.
The good news is that Olivia has finally allowed her lip to heal enough to have the stitches removed by a professional, and that we had a very nice Christmas. And I have to say, I really out-did myself with Christmas dinner: crown roast, wild mushroom stuffing, sweet potato cassarole, Tom Perry: Cooking Guy's roast butternet squash soup... awesome.
Having said that, the lion's share of my time since I last posted has been spent like this: tending to/fending off/cleaning up after the girls while trying to get work assignments and Christmas gifts completed so I can start job searching.
At least I got the Christmas gifts done in time. Job hunting? Not so much.
The last 20 years of trends in action movies? Eliminated. Contrary to popular belief, the focus of Bargain Bin Review is not bad, straight-to-video horror movies but bad, straight-to-video movies in general.
After the stink-bomb of the last horror movie I saw, I was ready for something completely different. And since this isn't 1987 anymore, different is exactly what I found...
THE ELIMINATOR * * * (2004, 90 minutes, Rated R) Kills nameless bad guys, dead. Remember the good ol' days of action movies? The kind of movies where nobody needed a motivation or backstory, and all of the violence was completely bloodless? The kind of movies where seemingly any 98-lb. weakling can kill a man from behind by snapping his neck?
No need to break a neck to find the whole review -- just go here.
