there will be sorrow

I'm in berkeley and everyone is dying.

look at pictures. they're cute.

5:56 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

short ramblings between classes

randomness:

lets go into the oblivion
tell stories of where we've been
taste waters of before when
fold time like a taylor's mend
rock back for old time's sake
its time to have and eat our cake.

this is the sound that the heart in love makes:
tickity tackity
pittery pattery
flittery flattery
-will get you no where
tee hee ack hack
we'll fly away with my magic filled sack
Peter loved wendy
wendy loved him
peter passed it by on a fearful whim
"lets grow up"
"lets grow old"
shit head peter couldn't be sold.
"grown men cant fly or play or from the trees swing"
she says "son one day you'll be a man, and men can do terrible things"

Ode to the pest I love the best
all my friend's allergies are simply a test
you, my dear, are far above
any of them with their lunchable loves.
You stand alone and mix well with others
unlike those other, silly butters.
Peter Pan, Jiffy, JFG
Every peanut's the same, it doesn't matter to me.
Crunchy or smooth-- I'll take you either way
As long as you stick to the roof of my mouth, I'm ok.
Nutter butter, milkshakes, peanut pie
when I'm with you I'm on a protein HIGH.
This is my confession, and nothing but the truth
any one who doesn't love you is simply uncouth.

the peanut butter poem was a request, I really don't even like it that much.

10:03 AM - 2 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

tapering ends of a beautiful beginning
Current mood: enthralled

This is intended to be melodramatic and emotional.

All I wanted was for a friend of mine to be ok. I watched him lose everything, save pride. I cut ties because I thought it might help things along. It did. He's better, by appearances anyway. I want to call him and tell him how proud of him I am...but I don't want to stir dust.

Tonight I said "bon voyage" to a staple of my youth. I sat, and sounded fake. Sending wishes of safe travel and good friends. I choked up laughs that didn't do the past 5 years justice. But when I hugged him I meant it. And in my head I DO want the best for him. Its funny how things often end as they began.

Some relationships are like the mouth of a crocodile. once the opening is closed, its impossible to pry it back open...even if you're leg is in its mouth...or your heart I suppose. So here I sit, humbled by experience and blinded by possibility...doing everything in my power to open the mouth of a crocodile...if for no other reason, to recover my heart. But my rational thinking knows that this time its after my soul. And I might keel over if I had to go through all that again. But a great woman...yes a WOMAN I know, once said "sam, its what we do. we wait, because some silly part of us knows there's always a chance". I don't even know what I want. Remember that guy who wanted to "domesticate" grizzlies? I feel like him. He and his girlfriend were devoured....if that means anything. I'll try to avoid cameras...and grizzly bears.

I've been having dreams about cars that don't have brakes. and getting lost on my way to brevard.

"just then a mouse scurried across the floor and we started laughing til it didn't hurt. laughing til it didnt hurt." laugh to keep from crying. or laugh through tears sometimes...its a weird mixture of emotion

10:23 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

pickle juice trickles from the rusty sickle.
Current mood: melancholy

beauty. a time in which time is not linear but a ribbon webbing security around the heads and hearts of lacking securities. a view in which light flickers ambitiously between wind thrusted aspen leaves and lives long lost come back to chat. Where goals are set deep in slope and grade, where complication is within the confines of a lonely group of 8. Smells of soil sift through the air, ground settled, trod upon by feet of great men in a shepard's cloth. PALAMO!!!!!! The forest hates us because we cut trenches and gashes through its flesh, and takes its wrath in rain clouds and wind storms. Its a fight, but it is a fair fight. The forest will not tell you "I will protect you" and then attack you. The forest is a respectable adversary. The forest will break you, but will help you up. The aspens have eyes that see through lies. Nature is one omnicient eye.

People are blind. People will destroy for selfgain, what ever they deem necessary. I'm going home. I going home. yeah. I bit the west....and the west bit back. God bless those who bless themselves. God damn those who damn others.

my crew...is amazing. I had to hold two people back from getting in a fight with someone who they'd decided "done me wrong"...and for that I am greatly appreciative. Wes said it would've been worth a night in jail to give this boy what he deserved. They all called him a bastard....and I'd never felt so...looked after. here's to the bond that ties people together...when there's no one else to go to.

10:08 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?
Current mood: random

Carrot says "OH NO DONT SHRED ME UP!!! THE SHREDDER IS FOR CHEESE!!!"

And then Carrot is chopped into little pieces for my veggie burger. Chocolate chip pannycakes call valiantly through the streets of Reno for me. And then I chew the pannycakes into little pieces.

John made that necklace. I like it. I'll steal one for you gin, if you like.

I've been gambling a bit too much...or I've been losing a bit too much rather. I get to sleep in a BED....WHOA!

Last night I went with some kids to the park and listened to this highschool group do a stomp/fleetwood mac concert kinda thing...it was great. We chilled with some homeless guys. Some of them were strung out, but some weren't, and were hilarious....some were and were still hilarious.

I've taken up text messaging....its a fucking expensive form of communication.

Experience is expiring thoughts of escape are inspiring.

I wear a red hard hat. I'm going to pick john up from the airport. YAY!

I miss home. I love gin. Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I'm 64?

I miss skinny dipping. And being able to breathe at night (I've got hella allergies)

I'M MISSING THE SEMIANNUAL SALE AT VICTORIA SECRET!!!!!!!!!!!!

Freedom bees float in the breeze. Particulate matter makes them sneeze (like me) 

Shifty eyes are a bad disguise....

I GET CHOCOLATE CHIP PANNYCAKES!!!!!!!!!!! (note: I only say pannycakes after a gentle night of drinking....'gentle'...hahah)

11:18 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Love is a battle field

I don't agree with that at all...but I think its an interesting song/idea. I'm amazingly paranoid. But most of you already know that. There's this 10 mile part of highway 396 that seems to peak my creativity. I've had the best past 72 hours.I've met some folks that will more than suffice. I have some not so random stories:

1. my favorite person on my crew got kicked off for having a breathing disorder. She had a convulsion like think on the trail....and she is sad.

2. Twice this week I was woken up with pans being clanged outside of my door because bears were about 3 feet away from my tent...and I saw 2 bears while I was there.

3. This new kid is in our crew. He is really cool. He plays guiltar. I wrote a song, that we might work together on. I might post a copy of it later. He spent his entire life going through high risk kids....and now he wants to go to college for free...he is nomadic; he's lived in 7 different states in the past 2 years. He gave me a book today.

4. Swinger in no way implies a lack of loyalty.

5. I saw 3 sunsets and 4 sunrises this week. And I've completed about a mile of trail this week. Its not alot, but its decent. I started Jack Keroac's "On the Road" the other day....seems interesting, but wes, new boy in crew...definitely wants me to read it as soon as I can.

6. I am currently under the influence.

7. I bought a piece today. its pretty.

8. One of my closer friends here told me the first day that I knew him that he'd recieved a full athletic scholarship to Penn State for tennis....and about a month before he was supposed to move in he got pulled over with bunches and bunches of coke in his car....and Penn state wouldn't take him.

9. I know this hot mother fucker....there will soon be pictures.

7:28 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Romance is an artform, to which I'm unfamiliar.
Current mood: indescribable

homes where you hang your hat.
mine's up in a tree branch.
somewhere.
haven't found it yet.

sing a song of sorrow?
or sing a song of truth?
either way, if you're going to sing a song...
make sure you know all the words.
else your left scatting
...which too has its place.

we spun in the green grass
and looked at the blue sky
now we spin webs
and look at instant message windows.

faces and spaces are networking
hollow out meaning
leave me something on my wall.

not poetry.
flattery wont get you anywhere
but straight to the top.

Ayn rand liked the sound of broking glass.
a boy I once knew liked the sound of ice breaking under foot
hmm...I like...silence.
I like soft whispers...

Adieu.

12:09 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

its all about timing...
Current mood: contemplative

I think its funny how time changes things. And sometimes I like giving people what they want. Someone who I never knew once said "thats all people really want; someone to listen to them." Maybe that will be my next choice of martyrdom. To be honest, and really this is purely for gin, seeing as she'd be the only one that reads this to understand: I think I'm in love with a concept. And a person I never knew. I think the strongest love is an incomplete love. You never love as strong, as when the love isn't returned. Its like your whole body WANTS to be loved.(one of the few times I'll allow mind and body to acceptably coinside) well. I still have phonemes of sorts stuck in my metaphorical throat. My eye sight is firm...but I feel that if I were to hold my glare...my eye balls would shake themselves out of their sockets. I wonder what that means. I think it means I'm restless. But of course...OH SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. Far be it for me to take myself at face value. Leave well enough alone. Simply Be. I miss that. I miss the concept that I so loosely threw around last august: I am. thats right. I am. So is God. So are you. So is he. I hope anyway. Any thing that "am not"...is sad. These days, those questions with out answers still clog what I SHOULD be thinking about. Like: what is the lack of existance? What is eternity? I've got this theory. But its not quite...optimistic. I think that eternity is life. Because we judge time on days/minutes/years/seconds...but thats just humanity. Bears judge time by seasons. Sometimes I think animals have a better grip on things than we do. So what if my eternity is 35480 days and nights long? Thats days and nights...but who am I to judge eternity? Of course, that would mean that there is no such thing as heaven or hell. Or that there IS, but its a combination of both, only a majority of what you make of it. Some of the happiest people I know have had the shittiest lives. Some of the shittiest people I know have had the happiest lives. It really is all about perspective.

Currently listening : My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to My Tongue By Fall Out Boy Release date: 18 May, 2004

8:58 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

pictures
Current mood: lonely

For some reason I'm terribly alone tonight. But I've been looking at pictures and these are things I've realized:

1. He really wasn't that attractive. It was only me emphasizing the past.
2. Sometimes things seem perfect, when really they never will be.
3. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they love you too.
4. I'm going to be ok.
5. There are better things in my future, than the beauty in my past.
6. I don't need a relationship right now.
7. I DO need to be by myself, and get to feeling better.
8. I need to focus on school.
9. Earth is too small to escape your fears or problems.
10. Its ok to realize things weren't as they seemed. Its ok to be wrong about people.
11. I need a creedo.

sorry its not an even number. its an off night. btw, most of these things were derived from a friend of mine's pictures on facebook. I think they're sad...bc what seems like it would be SOO perfect...doesn't even exist. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense.

7:32 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

they're all starting to look the same aren't they?
Current mood: relieved

What is your name?:	Samantha
Are you named after anyone?:	yep
What's your screename?:	SHH
Would you name a child of yours after you?:	na.
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?:	If i had a choice...ezra...or micah. but if my mother named me...probably something gay.
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?:	Emma...Rosalind (my hero)
Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?:	just one: samatha...there's a freakin N.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?:	probably.
Basics
Your gender::	female
Straight/Gay/Bi::	straight
Single?:	yes
If not, do you want to be?:	n/a
Birthdate::	5/1/87
Your age::	18
Age you act::	50
Age you wish you were::	**theres no time like the present**
Your height::	5'9
Eye color::	brown
Happy with it?:	sure
Hair color::	currently dark brown
Happy with it?:	mos' def
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous::	south paw..lefty
Your living arrangement::	roommate
Your family::	large
Have any pets?:	no
Whats your job?:	full time whore. part time student
Piercings?:	ears
Tattoos?:	uno
Obsessions?:	yoga. grades
Addictions?:	internet
Do you speak another language?:	french (un petite peu.) ASL (primitively)
Have a favorite quote?:	oh so many.
Do you have a webpage?:	a few
Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?:	I wish I did...does that count?
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?:	outwardly yes
Do you have any secrets?:	probably
Do you hate yourself?:	never
Do you like your handwriting?:	sometimes
Do you have any bad habits?:	man oh man, these ARE deep... bad habits...cursing.
What is the compliment you get from most people?:	I'm funny. I have a good rack. and a nice ass.
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?:	"Vie"
What's your biggest fear?:	death
Can you sing?:	yep
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?:	I pretend to be what people think I am...and that makes me cool.
Are you a loner?:	sometimes. I split myers briggs in two.
What are your ..1 priorities in life?:	fight for passion. never stop learning. fall in love.(yeah thats right...I said it)
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?:	no. I'm really mean.
Are you a daredevil?:	haha...NOT AT ALL
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?:	I'm afraid of the things I don't know. I'm afraid of things that I do that contradict my beliefs
Are you passive or agressive?:	both and niether, and some times at the same time.
Do you have a journal?:	used to have a few of them
What is your greatest strength and weakness?:	strength: self appreciation. weakness: physical "pleasures"
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?:	I would apply myself more. I would be smarter. I would be better.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?:	very. but I am only strong bc I deny my own weaknesses
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?:	yeah. a few things. but I've never admitted regretting them outloud
Do you think life has been good so far?:	Life is amazing. Its beautiful, and I appreciate every second.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?:	trust no one. love yourself. rely on yourself.
What do you like the most about your body?:	I like my...stomach. and my fingers (when my fingernails aren't too long.) and my hair.
And least?:	acne (every so often) and my butt
Do you think you are good looking?:	yep
Are you confident?:	for the most part.
What is the fictional character you are most like?:	hmm...you can answer that one for me. if you'd like.
Are you perceived wrongly?:	very, but most of the time its on purpose
Do You...
Smoke?:	mid and up. and not very often
Do drugs?:	refer to above
Read the newspaper?:	I try not to
Pray?:	yes
Go to church?:	sadly not in awhile
Talk to strangers who IM you?:	rarely
Sleep with stuffed animals?:	nope
Take walks in the rain?:	of course
Talk to people even though you hate them?:	all the dang time
Drive?:	when someone gives me a car to drive
Like to drive fast?:	depends on where I am
Would or Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?:	yes
Hurt yourself?:	on purpose: emotionally. accidentally: somtimes
Been out of the country?:	USVI? so no...I guess
Eaten something that made other people sick?:	pork brains. I'd not choose to do it again
Been in love?:	have I? I think so. Would I? hells yea
Done drugs?:	yea
Gone skinny dipping?:	yea
Had a medical emergency?:	yea
Had surgery?:	no
Ran away from home?:	no
Played strip poker?:	no
Gotten beaten up?:	no
Beaten someone up?:	no
Been picked on?:	damn those 5th-6th grade bullies
Been on stage?:	yea
Slept outdoors?:	yea
Thought about suicide?:	thought about it? alot. considered it? never
Pulled an all nighter?:	yep
If yes, what is your record?:	I guess 40 hours or so.
Gone one day without food?:	not that I'm aware
Talked on the phone all night?:	:-) yes
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?:	yes. about 20 minutes ago actually.
Slept all day?:	pretty much
Killed someone?:	nope
Made out with a stranger?:	nope
Had sex with a stranger?:	nope
Thought you're going crazy?:	everyone thinks that
Kissed the same sex?:	nope
Done anything sexual with the same sex?:	nope
Been betrayed?:	yes
Had a dream that came true?:	yeah
Broken the law?:	yes
Met a famous person?:	umm...I think so...but I'm not sure
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?:	on a very sad night about a year ago I ran over an opposum
On purpose?:	no I was crying.
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?:	probably
Stolen anything?:	yes
Been on radio/tv?:	yes
Been in a mosh-pit?:	haha...yeah. a christian band concert no less
Had a nervous breakdown?:	a few times. yoga helps
Bungee jumped?:	nope
Had a dream that kept coming back?:	yep
Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?:	no
Miracles?:	fate. God's will...
Astrology?:	kinda sorta
Magic?:	no
God?:	yes
Satan?:	yes
Santa?:	...St. Nick...yea. Santa...no
Ghosts?:	no
Luck?:	fate. God's will
Love at first sight?:	na
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?:	yes
Witches?:	no
Easter bunny?:	no
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?:	forever is a really long time...
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?:	yes (metaphorically)
Do you wish on stars?:	yep.
Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?:	that mixed in with a little "dante's inferno"
Do you think God has a gender?:	no
Do you believe in organized religion?:	yes. I don't think humanity has enough self discipline to do it alone
Where do you think we go when we die?:	heaven, purgatory, hell...
Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?:	yes
Who is your best friend?:	Gin or Shana. Derek is good and Blake is climbing
Who's the one person that knows most about you?:	Shana or Gin
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?:	"don't be afraid of yourself"
Your favourite inside joke?:	"what is this 'west side'?"
Thing you're picked on most about?:	I say words weird sometimes...
Who's your longest known friend?:	Gin. Jessica Harris
Newest?:	Brevard folks
Shyest?:	dunno
Funniest?:	Tati...kristy's pretty funny too
Sweetest?:	blah
Closest?:	blah
Weirdest?:	(the person I took this from had me here)
Smartest?:	blah
Ditziest?:	blah
Friends you miss being close to the most?:	my gin and shana
Last person you talked to online?:	Steven
Who do you talk to most online?:	derek
Who are you on the phone with most?:	blah
Who do you trust most?:	myself
Who listens to your problems?:	blah
Who do you fight most with?:	blah
Who's the nicest?:	blah
Who's the most outgoing?:	blah
Who's the best singer?:	Gin
Who's on your shit-list?:	hmm to put  it as a friend of mine "damn fairy"
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?:	probably
Who's your second family?:	steve and fwankie
Do you always feel understood?:	hardly ever, but thats my fault
Who's the loudest friend?:	blah
Do you trust others easily?:	no
Who's house were you last at?:	Leigh Ann's
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in::	a few boys. and shana. she's going to be a good mom
Do your friends know you?:	a few of them do.
Friend that lives farthest away::	hmmm...not sure
Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?:	most of the time.
What do you find romantic?:	realistic love
Turn-on?:	red/blond headed eagle scouts. with antisocial tendancies
Turn-off?:	stupidity. or disrespect.
First kiss?:	haha. first one I count...was a mere year and a half ago. John
If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?:	OH so awkard. I feel that way right now. in about 3 different directions
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going:	yeah. I like to be friends first
Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out:	I do what I want.
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv:	if I'm romantically attracted to someone I usually see them as being physically attractive too.
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?:	apparently the old guys think I'm a catch.
What is best about the opposite sex?:	cat and mouse games. feeling understood. and knowing FOR A FACT that a guy is out SIMPLY to get in your pants
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?:	bad kissers. insecurity...and clinginess...but not all are subject to such
What's the last present someone gave you?:	blake let me borrow her car to go get some groceries...
Are you in love?:	yep
Do you consider your significant other hot?:	if he was my significant other, I'd say he's pretty hot.
Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?:	uh...no one..
You wanted to kill?:	beanie
That you laughed at?:	roommate
That laughed at you?:	...roommate
That turned you on?:	...can't tell... :-)
You went shopping with?:	Blake and josh...today
That broke your heart?:	can't tell.
To disappoint you?:	so many people. thats why I don't like people
To ask you out?:	some 31 year old on myspace.
To make you cry?:	a boy. but it wasn't him as much as...other...things...
To brighten up your day?:	I am pretty freaking bright...
That you thought about?:	boy I don't see much of these days, but think of like a curse...that I've put on myself...if that makes any sense
You saw a movie with?:	...blake and josh
You talked to on the phone?:	dad/lana
You talked to through IM/ICQ?:	steven...mom...tammie
You saw?:	kristy (roommate)
You lost?:	papers
Right This Moment...
Are you going out?:	its 2:30 in the morning...
Will it be with your significant other?:	...
Or some random person?:	...
What are you wearing right now?:	clothes I wore to pilates and yoga today
Body part you're touching right now::	my foot is in my lap...if that counts
What are you worried about right now?:	that this survey is going down hill after that last question
What book are you reading?:	"birth of tragedy" "we the living" "drive through paradise"
What's on your mousepad?:	I have the finger...movey...thing
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling::	sore, relaxed, sleepy, content, passive
Are you bored?:	ehh...not too bad
Are you tired?:	yes
Are you talking to anyone online?:	na
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?:	nope
Are you lonely or content?:	both. I am content to be alone.
Are you listening to music?:	no

10:33 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment