Gender: Male
Age: 31
Sign: Scorpio
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Tuesday, September 23, 2008
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High for 3-to-4 Minutes
Category: Games
1.
Remove breakfast sandwich from packaging. Place sandwich in NASA-grade reflective cardboard sleeve. Place in microwave on high for 3-to-4 minutes. Remove from microwave.
*Caution - NASA-grade reflective cardboard sleeve will melt fingerprints in nanoseconds.*
Violently sling sandwich across counter. (This should expel sandwich from sleeve.) Scream 7-to-9 curse words of increasing severity. Tend burns accordingly while grumbling under breath that warning should have been given prior to 'remove product from microwave' instruction. Glare with contempt at NASA-grade reflective cardboard sleeve leaning against paper towel dispenser. Retrieve sandwich from kitchen sink. English-style muffin should have an outer shell resembling cardboard with inner consistency of stale marshmallow. Egg will resemble dandelion-colored silly putty. Cheese will be radioactive goo. Canadian bacon will have consistency and coloration of pencil eraser and should remain frozen in center. Enjoy.
2.
Remove burrito from plastic package. Wrap burrito loosely in paper towel. Place in microwave on microwave-safe plate. Cook on high for 3-to-4 minutes. Remove burrito from microwave. Remove burrito from paper towel. Inner layer of paper towel should be fused to burrito. Destroy burrito in attempt to remove fused portion of paper towel. Throw away paper towel and mutilated burrito sections. Eat remaining pile of unrecognizable caramel-colored sludge and white cardstock with fork. Enjoy.
*Caution - sludge may be hot.*
3.
Pour pasta into bowl. Add two-thirds cup of water to pasta. Place in microwave on high for 3-to-4 minutes. Remove bowl from microwave using spatula or butter knife as water will boil over and fuse bowl to microwave tray. Spill pasta onto counter or stove as bowl dislodges suddenly from microwave tray. Splash remaining boiling water onto arms, chest, and stomach while attempting to catch bowl. Curse under breath like Kathy Griffin on a coke-and-caffeine bender. Collect pasta into bowl. Add marginal amount of hot tap water and powdered cheese packet to pasta. Stir into viscous soup. Enjoy.
*Alternate instructions: After recovering from burns, cursing, and collecting spilled pasta, deposit pasta in garbage. Eat powdered cheese packet. Enjoy!
4.
Remove noodles from pouch and place in microwave-safe cup. Add 1 cup water. Remove saturated spice packet from water and noodles. Place cup in microwave on high for 3-to-4 minutes. Dry spice packet under oven-hood exhaust fan. Make grilled cheese sandwich. Remove bowl from microwave. Open spice packet. Place sticky, cement-like block of spices into noodles. Stab violently at spice packet with fork to break apart and distribute spices throughout flavorless noodles and boiling water. Splash boiling water in eyes. Curse loudly; rub eyes with spice-encrusted fingers to clear boiling water. Curse even louder. Flail and grab blindly for faucet. Spill boiling water, noodles, and gravel-sized spice granules onto floor. Slip on wet tile, lacerating three toes and arch of left foot on spice granules. Fall gratefully onto sink. Splash cold water into eyes and rinse hands, not necessarily in this order. Track blood from kitchen to restroom. Clean and bandage foot lacerations. Clean blood from hardwoods, tile, and carpet. Clean counters, mop floor. Throw noodles in trash. Eat grilled cheese sandwich. Enjoy.
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Currently
listening
:
TheFutureEmbrace
By
Billy Corgan
Release date: 2005-06-28
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3:04 AM
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50 Comments - 44 Kudos
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Friday, August 15, 2008
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An Open Letter To . . .
Category: Parties and Nightlife
An Open Letter Of Pointedly Venomous Angst To The Pernicious Pustule of Malignant Sub-Human Treacle Who, In A Titanic Fit Of Public Self-Gratification, Proved Himself To Be A Monolithic, Gargantuan Narcissist In Possession Of Less Than The Single Necessary Granule Of Consideration Required To Mention The Spoiler Contained Within His Moronic And Doltish Travesty Of An Article Which Blasphemously Included The Setlist To This Sunday's Smashing Pumpkins Concert
Dear Jerkface,
You suck.
Signed,
The Rocketman
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Currently
listening
:
Pisces Iscariot
By
Smashing Pumpkins
Release date: 1994-10-04
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3:04 PM
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33 Comments - 20 Kudos
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Friday, July 25, 2008
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Color Me Convinced
Category: Life
Upon finding my ire in a state of irritation this morning, I set out to contrive an extensive dissertation of position, complete with pristine logic and exhaustive explanation as per my consuetudinary idiom, but after nearly thirty minutes of protracted typing I found the florid language to be incompatible with my position and insufficient to convey my sincerity on the intended topic.
My point?
I'm getting there.
I have come to the conclusion that I was summarily robbed of the seminally valuable knowledge that some nationalities and/or ethnic groups are superior to others. I have learned that I am ignorant and idealistic to have spent the past 31 years believing that melonin has no bearing upon an individual's degree of humanity. I was disadvantaged to have grown up in environments where I was not taught that race was important in determining one's level of human worth, level of ability, and creative / athletic / intellectual / political / social potential. I am surely an example of doltish neanderthal oblivion for not having noticed or given weight to the fact that my sandbox playmates, basketball teammates, or fellow band members were often clad in flesh toned differently than mine, and to remain for over three decades, ignorant of the inherent implications thereof.
However;
Thanks to the passionate reiterations and insistant notations by well-written journalists featured in articles on CNN.com; thanks to comedians ranging from Chris Rock to Carlos Mencia; thanks to political pundits and the eloqutions of cacauphonous craniums prominently plastered upon Circular Network Nonsense, my erroneous logic has been realigned to conform to the demanding perception of social illeberality currently masquerading as a clarion for equality.
Yes, I was wrong. Mistaken. In error. Travestically jaded. But even in my advanced age, I can learn.
Being a minority does make you different. We're not all a simple sample of variety amongst the homogeny of humanity. We are not a beautiful mosaic. Being black does make living harder and life unfair. Being hispanic is a horrific handicap. Being Asian or Indian or Native American is an intrinsic stumbling block with regard to one's ability to function as a human being. Being white does make me inherently evil, and my intrinsic wickedness will increase proportionately as I age and/or become successful. It truly is you (the minorities) against me (a caucasian white male).
How silly of me to think color, race, creed, religion, hairstyle, favourite Kool-Aid flavour, and toothpaste brand preference didn't matter. How base and simpleminded of my parents to ignore color and teach me we are equals. (Though one must realize, in their defense, that we did not have cable television or the internet in those days . . . )
Given this new media-fueled knowledge and understanding, I hereby apologize to all minorities for my previously open ideology and erroneously sophomoric personal acceptance of what was obviously a farsical expression of humanitarian equality eutopianism. Please understand that my misdirection is a result of the unsegregated (if not completely racially unaware) social education of my youth.
I officially repent, and I thank the entertainment and informative information dissemination machines for convincing me that we are not all equal, thereby correcting my tragically wayward ideals.
Color me convinced.
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Currently
listening
:
Stain
By
Living Colour
Release date: 1993-03-02
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3:04 AM
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22 Comments - 21 Kudos
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Monday, July 14, 2008
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Got It Covered
If you could choose any artist/band, living or dead, to cover any song by any other band/artist, what song and artist would you choose? Given the breadth of possibilities here, feel free to narrow this to a 'Top 3', or even a 'Top 5', and include explanations if you'd be so inclined. - - - - - - - - - -
*Given the problems with blogs on Friday that continued intemittently over the weekend, it seemed a legitimate maneuver to modify this blog's date. I offer my apologies to those who read this entry prior to today.*
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Currently
listening
:
Live At Stubbs
By
Matisyahu
Release date: 2005-08-23
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3:04 PM
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24 Comments - 22 Kudos
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Tuesday, July 08, 2008
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A Moment Of Silence
Category: Life
(What, you expected a dissertation?)
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Currently
listening
:
Welcome Home: Live at the Arlington Theatre, Santa Barbara 1992
By
Toad the Wet Sprocket
Release date: 2005-01-11
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3:04 PM
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23 Comments - 33 Kudos
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Wednesday, July 02, 2008
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Political Purge - Part 3
Category: News and Politics
So, in conclusion, here's the final piece, (apparently) bravely published last week in a periodical who has a reputation (unbeknownst to me at the time that I agreed to be printed therein) of being rather radical and at times socialist in their news bent. It's the longest and (again, apparently) the most controversial of the sections. Decide for yourselves, and enjoy . . .
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Human beings have a dreadful history when it comes to selecting our own leaders. For example, let's begin in a nation as old as time . . . Israel.
The nation of Israel - arguably one of the world's oldest noted 'free' nations - decided they wanted a king. God (or those believed to be speaking on His behalf at the time - whichever you prefer - the supernatural politics aren't the subject of this particular entry) warned the populace that appointing a king over their successful, free nation was a bad idea. Nonetheless, people kept whining. So He (they) gave Israel their wish, and it ruined their nation. The king took their gold, annexed their land, and raped their women. He killed their sons either directly (through slavery) or in wars . . . wars Israel ultimately lost. As a result, Israel was largely a non-entity in world politics for centuries - aside from the token reverence afforded them on account of their religious heritage. For centuries Israel limped along in this state, ravaged by the wars of neighboring peoples and held aloft as a whoreson trophy by the ruling leaders of the most recently reigning culture - until they befriended a cocky, rebellious young upstart in the world of global politics - The United States.
Americans left England to be free of feudalism, but quickly disremembered the oppression that had been visited upon us by leaders operating in a realm so far removed from everyday life, and so we foolishly clambored for a strong ruler. From among the seemingly capable, modern, and patriotic men of the day, we selected George Washington - who initially was violently opposed the notion of being president and was recorded on several occasions as wisely noting that even with the checks and balances of the proposed Congress in place, being named president was too much like crowning a king. However, after years of badgering he did relent, and while he may have served well (being all too aware of the potentially disastrous result of such rulership) over time his point has been proven repeatedly by lesser men.
Today we find ourselves frequently forced to choose between the lesser of two evils - comparing the proposed policies and ideas of individuals so financially and functionally removed from the majority of us they can hardly be considered our peers. Regardless, they (and the network of lesser officials who support them) have the power to take our gold, annex our land, and kill our children by sending them into wars we may or may not believe are necessary. Ironically, in the last quarter-century, many of those those wars have been in or around Israel, the seeming blueprint for our predicament.
(I might add that yes, this is the same Israel whose behaviour is a token representation of the nations of the UN which the United States continues to financially and militarily support in spite of the fact that they frequently spurn the aid by voting against the US.)
Indeed, as Americans we have brought our own irrelevance - encapsulated in the general substanceless inconsequence of our election process, right down to the focus on the inconsequential minutiae of a candidate's race, sex, and non-political personal beliefs - upon ourselves; and we have done so despite the foreboding of precedents from abroad and ashore, from times ancient and current. We have unequivocally proven we are not the exception to the rule. We are, in fact, the defining stereotype of humanity's inability to choose effective, objective, community-minded leadership. We hardly need the threat of foreign terror to destroy our way of life when we have so effectively divided and conquered ourselves from within.
In closing, I offer a selection of commentary I've recently come to appreciate:
"It should be apparent to all who dwell inside of America's borders that her reign at the top of the heap is drawing to a close. This realization is hardly deserving of lamentation. She has had a good run, and by and large she has done well for herself and for humanity. America can be proud of herself. This is simply a natural and necessary evolution. Making such a statement aloud, while seemingly unpatriotic, is in truth little more than an open recognition of a process which has repeated itself throughout history, and shall undoubtedly continue through a dozen more successions of national and cultural power if humanity maintains the presence of mind to adapt and preserve the structural integrity of the planet upon which we dwell. Those who would disagree, who would claim we are exempt from such process, are the minority bearers of an arrogance which makes us, as a nation, deserving of the scorn we have received even from our closest neighbors and allies; the reputation we have acquired as shameless bullies, operating outside of even our own tenets of law and morality . . . a reputation afforded us by peoples who ally with us politically and militarily in large part because no one wants to draw the anger of the resident bully, especially when they are able to back up their threats. (It would be remiss not to note that having the necessary resources to make such claims does not diminish the fact that such boasts, openly spoken or implied, are still 'bullying'.)
Someone is always vying for the top spot, and the person holding the prominent distinction of 'number one' only makes themselves a more visible target for those who do, as mentioned, vy. Perhaps America has aged out. Or perhaps she needs a bit of humility - something she has never experieced as a rebellious confederation of colonies who rose so quickly to power at so many others' expense. Regardless of the reason, the fact remains that America will not always be number one - any moreso than was the great empire of Rome - and her time there may soon be at an end. The question is, will we respectfully and with dignity retire our position, mindful of the changing time, retaining our freedom, and maintaining a place of esteem and influence in the greater community, or will we fight and rail against progress and process, at worst becoming the slaves of other men, or at the least being held in contempt by the new world that rises around us? I, for one, prefer the former. I love my country, I love my life, and I will love it no more or no less whether we be number one or number three."
Who is the auhor of this piece?
I am.
It is an excerpt from a paper submitted to my US History instructor when I was in the 10th grade, circa 1993/94.
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Currently
listening
:
Some Mad Hope
By
Matt Nathanson
Release date: 2007-08-14
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3:04 PM
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15 Comments - 18 Kudos
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Tuesday, July 01, 2008
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Political Purge - Part 2
Category: News and Politics
Today I present part two of my 2800 word, once-in-a-lifetime political dissertation, and the subject of my most recent publishing frenzy. Ironically enough, this section of the piece was the last to get picked up for print, despite the fact that it's the most overtly 'political' of the trio. Enjoy. I'll close tomorrow with the somewhat (according to the editors to whom it was submitted) "controversial" and "potentially unpatriotic" conclusion - which also happens to be the longest section. Until then, enjoy the second segment.
- - - - - - - - - -
I find myself decidedly unconvinced with regard to the ability of either major parties' presumptive candidate to effectively bring a desirable variety of change to the current political climate, either domestically or globally speaking.
McCain's confidence is immediately recognizable, his record is admirable from the standpoint of integrity - notable by his military service and his consistent voting record, and his goals are clearly defined; but with regard to the promise of 'change' his weakness lies within that very profile. The difficulty here is believing that a McCain presidency, given his longstanding record of voting with the current President, will truly make any noticeable, positive change (i.e. quantifiable, tangible improvement) from the status quo in the lives of the average private citizen. Even if he is able to break away from the stigma of his record of supporting Bush policy and convince the average American that his plans are viable, the question remains, can he execute his propositions with what will likely remain a Democratic congress for the duration of his term?
Additionally, McCain's promise to bring troops home from the Middle East during the next election year rings more of a fence-riding 'compromise with benefits' than a sincere policy. This statement allows him the freedom to continue the war - which he supports, and predicatably so being a decorated military veteran himself - while placating both those who believe we should withdraw and those who feel we should stay, with the not-so-coincidental benefit of positioning himself well for a second term when the excited troops and emotional parents, wives, children, and lovers are reunited just in time for the 2013 election. This gesture, coupled with the contradiction between McCain's deliberate, symbolic distance from the current Commander In Chief in spite of his well-documented political record, looks more like 'good politics' than genuine desire for rudimentary political change.
So what is the atlernative? The gentleman whose seminal campaign message is change.
Most unsettling about Obama is the ambiguous nature of his message. Any number of charismatic individuals are adequately equipped to speak eloquently on issues of universal discontent, call into question (or even overtly descry) the actions of those individuals who perpetuate the ineffective, inefficient, often detrimental status quo, and append a closing statement which calls for fundamental yet ethereal change.
Musicians have been doing this for ages.
(Interestingly enough, most musicians are more adept in the areas of revenue generation, cultural unification, economic stimulation, common-sense activism, and positive, quantifiable real-life / real world impact than the less effective politicians who, with increasing frequency, resemble them.)
Obama has yet to state what his change is - only that one is needed, and that he will deliver it.
This calls to mind the awkward, attention-starved, scam-artist kid many of us knew on the playground. "Oh yeah, I've got something really super-dee-duper cool in my backpack - but I won't show it to you unless you'll let me be the line leader." Most of us ignored or lobbed stones at that kid. A few of us got burned once or twice when we relinquished our post at the head of the class, and the surprise we received proved to be a disappointing (or even non-existent) ploy for position. We learned our lesson. Given even that variety of elementary education, in any other arena we would denounce this tactic as a marketing travesty, but Obama may use it to take the White House.
The prospect of an Obama v/s McCain race has caused me to give serious consideration to the axiom . . .
Is it truly better with the devil you know?
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Currently
listening
:
Wanderlust
By
Gavin Rossdale
Release date: 2008-06-03
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3:04 PM
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16 Comments - 23 Kudos
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Monday, June 30, 2008
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Political Purge - Part 1
Category: News and Politics
Yes, you read the title and subsequent category notation correctly. NO, I've not become a political writier, and no, I have no intentions thereof. I'm too pedestrian, uninformed, and generally abhorrent of empty-headed, circular, and ineffective political commentary. That said - There's been a bit of grumbling about my not having posted in a bit, so here's the first of three installments I'll make available over the next few days. What you'll read was originally a 2800 word comentary/essay that I diced into three smaller pieces, each of which was posted in various alternative press variety papers across the country in the last two weeks. (Ironically enough, it wasn't published online - every entry was published in print. The odds you read it are slim, but I suppose it could have happened.) I think the pieces are fairly self-explanatory, so I'll leave you to them.
- - - - - - - - - - I rarely ever discuss politics in my writing; however, the surface tension has recently broken as the result of comments made by a local gentleman featured on a local network newscast following the announcement that Obama had achieved the necessary number of delegate votes needed to claim the Democratic Presidential nomination.
Unfortunately, I do not have a printed transcript from which to quote. Nonetheless, the sentiments resemble what follows:
NEWSCASTER:
"In this historic moment, history has been made as an African American becomes the presumptive nominee for a major political party."
CUT TO: FOOTAGE OF LOCAL FELLOW
LOCAL FELLOW
"I guess America's changed. We'll know for sure how much in November."
I processed this seemingly careless extemporization over the course of several days, marveling slightly at the intonation of the remark. A few days later I read an article online, posted by a prominent and respected national news source, spotlighting a mixed race activist group who is angered by Obama's proclamation that he is a black male. Their assertion that he is, in fact, of mixed racial heritage can be verified by census documentation, and the group is disappointed that Obama has not acknowledged his mixed racial heritage in a bid to set the stage for the lifting of the stigma carried by people of mixed race everywhere.
For a moment, even I was speechless. But the moment passed, and I began typing.
Already - whether with intent or by lamentable default - both the public and the press are, to some degree, posturing the election as a 'race' race; a travesty of focus on multiple fronts. Training our attention upon race undermines the legitimate historical significance of the moment; staging a self-defeating exclamation that race is no longer an issue by driving focus toward the purported non-issue. Additionally, such distraction subsequently minimizes the purpose of the election process - the selection of an individual who possesses the ability to best perform a globally critical job - a job comprised of responsibilities upon which melanin has no bearing. As significant as the implied racial declaration Obama's pending nomination is, hinging the perceived degree of racial breakthrough upon the outcome of an election where greater things (such as the declining economy, our esteem in the global community, and the fate of the sons and daughters we have sent to war) are in the balance is tragic at best. Doing so bodes poorly for the election process itself, will prove detrimental to both candidates, and ultimately will speak poorly of a nation.
I wonder if we could postulate that had Hillary become the presumptive Democratic nominee, we would have seen the same variety of posturing with regard to gender.
Accustomed as we have become to politics resembling a practice in sleight-of-hand, wag-the-dog, or simple egocentric power-play, I still prefer (perhaps naively) to believe that beneath the degree of posturing necessary to legitimately seek such office, there is a desire to perform well; that there is something resembling a drive to do well by mankind residing in the heart of a candidate within the construct of their personal understanding of 'doing well'. I lament that the political process (which already often resembles - far too closely - the variety of popularity contest one would find amongst thirteen-year-olds, or even the adult bloggers on any given social networking site) would be reduced to a racial statement. It is disgraceful to the process, disrespectful to the candidates, and a distasteful statement regarding the social infrastructure of a nation. While there will assuredly be smaller factions who push this perspective, I genuinely hope the greater collective country will consciously avoid the adoption of such a trite context in which to view the election.
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Currently
listening
:
Eye to the Telescope
By
KT Tunstall
Release date: 2006-02-07
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3:04 PM
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15 Comments - 18 Kudos
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Thursday, May 08, 2008
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Stop Procreating: A Note To Egocentric And Socially Irresponsible Breeders
Category: News and Politics
I happened by a blog detailing, at length, the stigma of being childless in your 30's, compounded by the overt decision not to introduce progeny at all. The specific focus was on the absurd variety of commentary dispensed by those who believe the phenomenon of 'childlessness by choice' to be everything from 'a phase' to 'reprehensibly selfish'. One remark intoned that the blogger was somehow offensive by simply being a healthy woman able to bear children yet refusing to do so when there were so many other couples who couldn't have children for whatever biological reason.
"Bitter, table for one!"
How selfish of the wicked breeder to dispense such absurd rhetoric!
In response to this variety of petty, asinine drivel posing as logical thought, I've composed the following pair of equally valid (and logistically less absurd) arguments as retort:
- - - - - - - - - -
1. How, in these difficult ecological times, could anyone responsibly consider procreating when a decreased world population would be the fastest solution to the majority of the devastating global issues the human race is currently working to resolve, including the hunger crisis, disease epidemics (including AIDs), global warming, inflation in countless arenas (including food, fuel, and land), and a good percentage of wars being fought among smaller nations?
For the sake of global ecological stability and the ultimate longevity of mankind as a race...
Stop procreating!
2. With the number of children in the world who are available for adoption, why would any sociologically responsible human being even consider the option of procreating? If the desire to parent is truly your motivation for procreation, why not instead adopt a child who has been orphaned as a result of a natural disaster, or a difficult decision made by a teenage mother, or war, or an auto accident, or by disease, or by a socially irresponsible parent, or by a government who imposes laws which deem certain children undesirable despite their perfect health, or a myriad of other reasons? How selfish of you to create a child when hundreds of thousands of children are eager to be the recipient of the very love and life you purport to be willing to dispense, but would withhold from them over such a petty matter as genetics.
If raising a child, fostering in them confidence and identity is truly your desire, then adopt a child. If egomaniacal genetic longevity is your goal, perhaps you should reconsider your motivations before visiting your spawn upon the planet and...
Stop procreating!
- - - - - - - - - -
Should you find yourself in need of a response to accusations that you are doing mankind, womankind, humanity in general, or the global consciousness a disservice by refusing, for whatever reason, to procreate, feel free to dispense these retorts at your leisure.
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Currently
listening
:
A Crow Left of the Murder
By
Incubus
Release date: 2004-02-03
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8:04 PM
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25 Comments - 38 Kudos
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Wednesday, May 07, 2008
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Ironic (Don’cha Think?)
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
Ironic Item 1
This morning I encountered a fellow who wished to discuss politics - a topic which I generally avoid. Nonetheless, I was in a position where I had no choice but to humour the old gent. After proclaiming that he was making an effort to be open-minded this year rather than blindly sticking to his staunch conservative guns as he has in years past, he proceeded to:
1) Deride the Clinton family, his chief complaint stemming from the citation that if Bill could cheat on his wife, it revealed interminible and unforgivable character flaws which indicated clearly that neither he nor anyone in his family could be trusted. All this, yet when asked, he was unable to name a single action related to the job descriptions of 'President' or 'Senator' with which he disagreed during the terms of either Clinton.
2) This portion of the 'open minded' discussion was followed with the statement "I don't know who I'm going to vote for, but I'll say this off the record: if I'm honest, I don't think a woman is capable of running this country, and the only reason Obama is winning is because of the blacks. There's no way I'll vote for Hillary, and if Obama's the best the Democrats have to offer, then it's just more evidence that we need a guy like McCain in office."
This open-minded exchange brought to me (and now you) by the wealthiest and eldest individual in a facility where 80% of those employed are either a member of a minority race or female and have incomes which register below the poverty line according to current government income standards.
Ironic Item 2
For lunch today, I consumed a most delicious and undeniably nutritious all-organic burrito, which was wrapped in a biodegradeable package. It was cooked in a microwave and eaten from a paper plate with a plastic fork and knife. Since no recycling refuse recepticles were available, the wrapper was thrown in the trash.
Ironic Item 3
After lunch I spoke to a man who has diagnosable mood disorders. He is a stalwart naturalist and swears that chemically produced medications do not help people with issues such as his, and can site a tome of references to support this concept. He also believes strongly in mind-over-matter, stating that because he doesn't believe the medications will work, even when he takes them they have no effect - a sort of reverse placebo effect. He then closes the discussion by telling me how tired he has been and how his moodiness has increased since he ceased taking his medication seven days ago.
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Currently
listening
:
The Plague That Makes Your Booty Move
By
Infectious Grooves
Release date: 1991-09-10
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8:04 PM
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31 Comments - 34 Kudos
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