Generic blog title

-- On my way to a service appointment at my car dealership this afternoon, I stopped by my neighborhood car wash. I go there every week, and the place is generally packed. It's called "Washin' to the Oldies," and they play 50s and 60s music to enjoy while you get sudsy. Today all the doors were open and people milled about. I pull in, only to see a flyer covering the buttons:

"We have gone out of business. Thank you for your years of patronage."

Huh? I was here last week! You bastards!

But yes, nothing worked and no music played. And apparently I wasn't the only one surprised, as several would-be washers came in and out looking equally shocked. The automatic wash (which I never use because my car manages to not trip up the sensors) was open and had a gigantic banner advertising a cut-rate cycle. A sad day indeed, as I had started going there after the car wash across the street fleeced me last year and never returned my phone calls. That wash was thriving today. Go figure.

Being me, of course, I grabbed a pen out of my glove compartment and added a little something to the "sorry" sign. Nothing profane, personal or negative, just a way to vent my sadness. It then occurred to me that the place was wired with cameras (as evidenced by the "Smile! You're on camera!" sign with the absurdly happy face). But then I thought, could they even be working anymore? Well, I don't know. And judging by everything else I've seen in Springfield, a little "miss you" message written in ink pen on a piece of paper is hardly anybody's top vandalism priority.

--There seems to be an epidemic in Springfield of businesses completely boarding up their window fronts, yet staying open. Today, it was Smoothie King. "Drive-Thru Open," the board screamed in red spraypaint.

I hate drive-thrus. You can't understand them, they don't understand you, I never seem to line up close enough to the window and there's something about having to idle your engine amid several smoke-belching cars for 20 minutes that's somehow unappealing to me. There's also the fact that everyone else just loves them, which means walk-ins are always treated like we have all day because Mrs. Alpha Soccer Mom needs 15 smoothies RIGHT NOW!

But anyway...I wound up not going. Two sudden, jarring changes to places I like to go in Springfield was enough for one day. They lost my business today, and they'll just have to profit from my, er, free smoothie some other time.

Well, I'm off to the pool now. Assuming that hasn't been covered up by a giant tarp in anticipation of the cooler temperatures that are going to hit in three months.

Later!

2:16 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Son of a Fitch!

In what was no way an act of sheer narcissism, I just did a Google image search of my own name. This is the first picture that came up:



I imagine this means one of three things:

1) I'm even more ripped than I realize;
2) I perspire a cologne that attracts mall chicks;
3) I don't have enough pictures of black guys on my blog.



I've been to Abercrombie & Fitch once in my life -- and that was to help a friend of mine do holiday shopping for her daughter. Must have really rubbed off.

Well, could have been much worse. After all, I get my gas at Kum & Go. 

11:17 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Controversial survey (?)

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
Um...no. It's not the law that keeps me from wasting my life on drugs. Anyway, what's the point of having super-sensitive sex organs when your face is falling off, thus guaranteeing no one will have sex with you?

Abortion: for or against?
I don't think the government should have the right to declare who lives/dies. Any government that can force you to keep your baby can also force you to kill your baby. I think this choice should be left to the woman in question. Who knows…maybe she'll  choose life!

Would our country fall with a woman president?
No, not at all. And how embarrassing is it that even Pakistan beat us to that (in 1988!)? It's time to have a more-inclusive presidential politic. A woman will make an awesome president. That said, however, I didn't support Hillary Clinton in the primaries. She ran her campaign horribly, and then cried sexism when she didn't make the cut. I wish more she (and others) understood the difference between losing because of the glass ceiling and losing because people didn't like what you were selling.

Do you believe in the death penalty?
No. Like I said, I don't think the government should have jurisdiction over who lives and who dies. Also, the death penalty is unfairly applied to minorities and others with poor counsel, and is condemned by major law associations. Furthermore, study after study shows its failure as a deterrent, and is touted more as an instrument of revenge than one of justice. Because of the automatic appeals process and execution facilities, the death penalty is actually more costly in most cases than a lifetime sentence. Finally, some inmates, like Tim McVeigh, wanted the government to kill them. He got what he wanted, and none of his victims came back for it.

Do you wish marijuana would be legalized?
Yes. People who want to smoke it do it anyway, and pot is responsible for the single biggest strain on our penal system. And it's less lethal than either tobacco or alcohol, and not as addictive. Far more dangerous, and corrupting, influences are legal and even promoted to young people in the U.S. And I say all this having never even touched the stuff in my life.

Are you for or against premarital sex?
As if being against it would ever stop it. Sex should be done only between consenting people who understand the consequences. The problem is that kids are doing it younger and younger, spurred on by societal pressures, but they know less and less about sex as abstinence-only programs gain traction. Since 2001, the teenage birth rate has skyrocketed, after more than a decade of decline. It doesn't take much to put two and two together on that one.

Do you believe in God?
I want to. But sometimes it's more reassuring that life is random than that some deity would do this on purpose. In any case, I definitely don't subscribe to religion. Religion divides people over what are ultimately trivial and man-made constructs.

Do you think same-sex marriage should be legalized?
Absolutely. Marriage, as far the government is concerned, is a legal contract between two consenting adults. Let the churches decide what they will and won't tolerate. Church and state, after all, are supposed to be separate, right?

Do you think it's wrong that so many Hispanics are moving to the USA?
Funny how whites are horrified at this concept, as if their ancestors didn't massacre an entire indigenous culture and then steal half of Mexico's land. Manifest destiny, indeed! Nowadays it's just a wedge issue - as this question illustrates all too well - used by conservative politicians feed the current wave of xenophobia. Most of the same people who say immigrants should follow the law NEVER ask if, for example, 14 years is a bit long for the citizenship process. Also, they rarely criticize the virtual free pass employers have in hiring illegal immigrants, which is the reason any of them come in the first place. And, of course, this is supposed to be a diverse country. But if you're worried about all your money going to Mexico - well, most U.S. assets are tied up in China anyway, and the falling dollar has other countries buying our products at record rates, putting money back in our economy. So that argument is also bogus.

A 12-year-old girl has a baby…should she keep it?
A 12-year-old should never even have to consider this. Will the infant's fragile constitution even survive the massive shockwave left by millions of "pro-life" Americans turning their backs on the mother as soon as the baby is born? The answer to this is comprehensive sex education as early as possible. Maybe that'll scare the girl out of it while she still has a chance.

Should the alcohol age be lowered to 18?
Yes. If you can serve in the military, you should be able to drink. Period. The old "irresponsibility" argument is meaningless, because full-grown adults are as capable of being idiots as 18-year-olds.

Should the war in Iraq be called off?
Yes. It is an immoral war fought on false pretenses, which to me overrides any supposed gains or successful surgitude or whatever. U.S. presence in the Middle East is what motivated al-Qaida to attack us in the first place, and is the reason why Iraq (which we occupy) is now hot with al-Qaida. I never supported this stupid war and never will. It's probably the singular action that has most hurt the U.S. in its pursuit of terrorism.

Assisted suicide is illegal…do you agree?
Yes, I agree that it is illegal, but I don't agree that it should be. People shouldn't be forced to be vegetables for the last 15 years of their lives.

Do you believe in spanking your children?
No. Spanking is a weak form of discipline that feeds the primal urge of parents and transfers aggressive tendencies to the child. Parents who spank almost invariably say they do so because "My parents did, and I turned out OK." Well, apparently not. But the main reason I'm against spanking is because people who do it are so proud of themselves. I find that very disturbing. They may try to justify it by saying there's a difference between spanking and beating, but there isn't. If you can't do it to an adult without going to jail, you certainly shouldn't do it to a kid.

Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
No, I'm not in the executive branch. I have no problem with flag burning, because it's free speech. I'm not one of those "You have freedom, how dare you exercise it" kind of people. I wouldn't burn a flag, though, because it's a pointless and unimaginative form of protest.

A mother is declared innocent after murdering her 5 children in a temporary insanity case......What do you think?
Are we talking about Andrea Yates? Because I'm pretty sure she's locked up for life.

Are you scared of what people who read this will say?
No. Anyone who knows me already knows how I feel about these things.

2:21 AM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

The innocent smartass

While reading a Daily Advertiser letter today, I suddenly had a flashback to an exchange I hadn't thought of in almost 19 years. It happened at school in third grade.

For most of my childhood, despite my mom's best efforts, I had very waxy ears. I was also slow to pick up on snide comments, particularly by irritated teachers accusing me of not listening. Hence, the following:

Teacher: "Ian, do you have wax in your ears?"
Me: "Do you see any?"

I got written up a lot that year.

10:18 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

More fun at the checkout counter

Me: "Hi."
Goth Checkout Girl: "Hi!"
[Beep]
GCG: "Slim-Fast? What do YOU need this for?"
Me: "It's a quick meal. Sometimes I don't have the time or appetite to eat."
GCG [Sticking her finger in her mouth in dramatic fashion and making constipated face]: "Ewww! That's what THAT tastes like. It's like drinking mud."
Me: "Well, I like them."
Bag Dude [to GCG]: "What are you so grossed out about?"
Me: "Oh, nothing. She's just passing judgment on my groceries."
BD: "You shouldn't pass judgment on his groceries, GCG."
GCG: "Slim-Fast is gross!"
BD: "No it's not! It tastes like a chocolate shake."
GCG: "Maybe I'm just drinking it wrong. I drank it from the can. Maybe it tastes better in a glass or something."
Me: "Actually, I drink it straight from the can."
BD: "Cold, right?"
Me: "Yeah, cold."
GCG: "Hah."
Me: "Thanks for having my back on that one, Bag Dude."
BD: "No problem!"
GCG: "You saved 71 cents today!"
BD: "And you got judged."
Me: "That's why I come here."

Next time, I'm buying tampons.

11:36 PM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Dreams are weird when you go back to sleep

For whatever bizarre reason, I woke up at 7:30 this morning, to the sound of John McCain on the radio. He was talking about the need for the U.S. to drill in Alaska so we could stop buying oil from the Middle East. Even in my half-asleep face plant on the pillow, I moaned, "No, that's dumb. There isn't enough oil on the entire North American continent hhurrrnh."

I wondered why this was even playing in the first place, considering that my radio is set to an FM pop station, not AM hate-talk radio. I thought perhaps I switched the band and tried to switch it back. No dice. Then I realized the "AM" that was lit up referred to the time, not the radio band - one of those things that you have to be in a total freaking stupor not to notice. Like that one time in college I bolted out of bed at 7:30, changed clothes, threw on my backpack and ran out of my room in a panic...only then to realize that it was 7:30 p.m., and in fact I had just awakened from a short nap after finishing my school day.

But anyway, the dream...

So after turning off McCain's inexplicable presence on my airwaves, I went back to sleep. At some point between then and when I woke up with a start at 9:30 a.m., I had this dream:

I'm lying in bed with comedian Richard Jeni. I'm fully dressed and lying atop the covers; he's under the covers and nude. He confesses that he's gay (despite his real-life wife) and he's in love with me. "Why can't you feel the same way about me?" he pleads. "Well, I do like you as a fan, but I'm not homosexual," I tell him. "I can't help that any more than you can help your own feelings." We then have a surprisingly lucid conversation about the plight gays face in America. I don't remember all of it, but I remember saying to him as I walk out, "Hang in there. Please don't be suicidal."

Yeah, I know...that's completely wrong. But it's not over yet.

Next thing I know, I'm back at home. As in, my parents' house. My mom says to me, "I'm not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, but... [long, suspenseful pause] ...since you've been here, my utility bill has gone up by $75." I turn my head to look with guilt upon the single bulb lit on the triple-head lamp next to me. I use very little power, and they use a lot. Also, my mom's cool and laid-back. It's an absurd dream all around. "Well," I retorted, "Remember when you guys stayed at my apartment for a week? My sewage bill tripled!" (True, by the way.)

I said that line so dramatically in the dream that I realized I was actually saying it out loud, almost screaming it, arms flailing, right from my bed. I startled awake mid-sentence, which would have led anyone passing by my window to hear this:

"Remember when you guys stayed at my apartment for a week? My sewage bill TRIPLED hrrrn wow am I actually saying this out loud in bed? That was a dream ha ha hrrrn."

This is why I don't have a girlfriend.

9:31 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dumb conversations with Missourians, part 14,495

Cute, smiley clerk at Target, 8:45 p.m.:

Me: "Do you guys close at 10?"
Her: "No, we don't."
Me: "Oh, 11 then?"
Her: "No, we close at 10."

OK, then...

2:24 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh, what girls say to me...

A couple of Saturday nights ago, I talked on the phone to a friend of mine who recently moved away from me. It was a lengthy, animated conversation, but which I remember mainly for this philosophical exchange:

Her: "I'd like to go back to graduate school, but I'm worried about my GRE scores."
Me: "I wouldn't worry about it. I got middling scores and it turned out fine."
Her: "Yeah, but I want to go to a good school."
Me: "Oh, right. Silly me."
Her: "I'm not good at standardized tests. My boyfriend is really good at them. Why can't I be?"
Me: "You should be happy you're not. You and I both know you're a great reporter and broadcaster. You create great TV segments with tight shots and engaging voiceovers. People who are good at acing tests tend to look good only on paper, whereas you actually have a skill that people can see and appreciate, and that resonates beyond some old transcript. Given the choice between creating important works and merely cranking out high test scores, why wouldn't you pick your situation?"
Her: [Long pause] "No, I'd like to test better."

People really bug me sometimes.

11:32 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

My (apparent) love for Miley Cyrus

Relax. I'm not serious. I know as little about Miley Cyrus as any adult non-parent should. But, working at a newspaper, I've naturally had to edit a few articles about the "Hannah Montana" star. So I've picked up a few things along the way, as I do with most subject matter. In the newsroom, we often riff about the stuff we read. That's what one of my co-workers was doing yesterday when she randomly asked me this:

"Did you know Miley Cyrus is worth millions?"

"Yeah. But we ran an article the other day saying she's only allowed $300 a month."

"Only?"

"Her dad, Billy Ray Culkin, wants her to grow up like a normal teenager."

"Hah!"

"She even makes YouTube videos with her friend, like any average user."

(Commence digging hole to China, to see the Olympic protests firsthand.)

"How do you know that?"

"They're often featured on the front page of YouTube."

"Do you watch them, Ian?"

"Of course not. Though I saw a snippet once, I think on a newscast."

"Riiiight."

"But I turned it off after a few seconds."

"I'm sure you did." (Raising her voice so others can hear) "You are aware what they call a 27-year-old man who watches Miley Cyrus videos, right?"

"I didn't --"

"YOU ARE AWARE WHAT THEY CALL A 27-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WATCHES MILEY CYRUS VIDEOS, RIGHT?"

[Seriously awkward pause, as my long-unplugged sense of comeback fails me.] "Good grief."

[Lowering voice, finally] "You know I'm just kidding. I like to harass people. Comes from my days as a big sister. It's fun! For me, at least."

"Yeah, for you. Thanks."

At which point I felt about Miley's age again. So it all works out, really.

8:14 AM - 6 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Blunt force trauma

I have a handful of friends/ex-girlfriends who pride themselves on a common quality:

"I’m blunt."

To them, this is their defining trait. Something to be celebrated. Proof that they will always be a straight shooter with you. And, of course, nobody wants a liar always hanging around and giving them bad advice or influence, so that’s all well and good.

But there’s a line between being a straight shooter and being incredibly heartless in a given situation. Being blunt does not, and should not, mean kicking someone when they’re down. It does not mean suspending tact so that a good glib remark doesn’t go to waste. Telling the truth is profoundly different than blurting out the immediate thoughts in your mind.

In early 2004, a particularly depressing time in my life, I stopped at Bourgeois Hall to do something. I was met by the girlfriend of a guy I’d known and debated for years in the political science department. She and I had never met, but I was at the time a fixture in our school’s newspaper.

"Hey, you’re Ian, aren’t you?"
"Yep," I said.
"I’ve seen you in the paper." Pause. "You look better in the picture."

To this day, I can’t imagine why someone would say that to a total stranger. I wouldn’t. Would you? She probably felt really good after saying that, too, because she’s blunt! And you know what? The world is better for it!!

Here’s another brilliant composite (and more recent) example:

"I don’t feel valued."
"That’s not good."
"I wish people treated me better."
"Maybe you shouldn’t [insert benign emotion that differentiates humans from robots]."
"I’m tired of everything being an unnecessary hassle."
"You complain too much / We all feel the same way, so shut up."

This kind of "blunt" is one reason (among many, many reasons) why I can’t watch competitive reality shows such as "Hell’s Kitchen." Why do we find this shitty, shitty personality trait worth praising?

Anyone who prides themselves for saying absolutely anything they feel at any given moment is not refreshing, nor do they serve the cause of truth. They’re just mean. Real truth is an art. Blunt is a way to burn.

2:05 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment