On Frida Kahlo and her big fat hairy lip
Current mood: cultured
Category: Art and Photography
4/9/08
One of my favorite artists is Frida Kahlo, a Mexican artist who, in her early years got into an accident on a bus and broke her spine. She spent the rest of her life in and out of hospital beds, painting to pass the time. What drew me to her most was her vivid portrayal of herself in her self-portraits. The face in the portraits were always faces of pain and displeasure, perhaps from the physical pain she was feeling from her accident, or her emotional pain. I don’t know; I don’t know the details of her life. What I do like about her portraits, and this may seem silly and inane, is her painting of her flaws. See, she had this big huge unibrow and a hairy upper lip and I think its just so funny to see an otherwise beautiful woman with these features. It makes me question my own sense of beauty in myself when I look at her paintings. It’s almost like she painted her flaws in accentuation, even though at the time those may not have been considered flaws. Looking at her picture I think of my own flaws, and then she reminds me that they aren’t so bad. That maybe, in a different time and a different place my flaws may be considered desirable. I realize that she probably wasn’t going for this effect, this perception of her paintings, when she was painting, but I don’t care. I still love looking at that hairy portrait hanging on my wall.
Anyway, I wrote that because I became dreadfully aware of a flaw that I have when I met the boy’s family. And I am reminded once again of that flaw today after discussing going to visit a group of his friends this coming weekend. That is, my fear and displeasure of social situations. I HATE groups of people numbering more than 3. I can handle it if they are people I have known for a while, but even then I am slightly uncomfortable. I don’t know how observable this is. In a group where no one knows me I doubt it is very observable, as I tend to become the "shy girl in the corner". I don’t really know what to say to people, my mind just draws a blank, and I usually don’t care to get to know people in that sort of setting because you always inevitably talk about the same thing: "what do you do for a living?" "where did you grow up?" "blah blahblahblah blah." Sure its important stuff, but its boring and I’d much rather have a deep intimate one on one with someone than have to talk about the clichéd weather. Plus, becoming the center of attention with everyone looking at me listening to what I have to say scares the living shit out of me. So what do I do this weekend? How do I make this interesting and more comfortable for myself? Do I picture them all in their underwear?
Things keep getting better and better for me! First I meet this awesome guy who I really like spending time with (at the neglect of certain friends-sorry). Now my career is taking off. I had my first year-end review yesterday. You know, the one that determines how much more you will get paid the next year and how much of a bonus you will get. I went into my boss's office and the first thing she did was go over the different levels of work performance. They go from level 1 to level 9. According to her most people are in the level 4, 5, 6 range. No one ever gets a level 9. So after she went through the ratings she asked me how I think I did and after thinking about it for a minute I said, about average maybe a little above since I help out other people when my work is done. She goes "well, I disagree". My heart dropped for a second before I realized that was a good thing. She told me she gave me a level 8. She gushed on and on about how well I had done this year learning about the electron microscope and how everyone thought I would be just a temporary reprieve until they found someone who knew what they were doing. She said I proved myself to be a professional rather than just a technician. Cool, huh? According to her, the bosses all agreed with the level 8 rating and it was a unanimous decision. Here's the kicker though. Not only did I get the highest rating of anyone else in the building (out of 50 people or so), but I was the ONLY one to get an 8. Crazy! So basically she was saying that I was the best worker in the building for 2007. Haha! I was blown away. I never would've expected that, especially since other people there know so much more than me and while I do work hard, there are some that work overtime and never take breaks and stuff.
Okay, I'll stop tooting my own horn now.
I got asked out for Valentine's Day! Yay! And he's a cutey! Things are going good in that area of my life too. He met my friends the other night, which may have been too soon, but I don't regret it. I feel bad, though because he met them at my friend's dad's retirement party and he didn't know anyone and it was kind of loud and hard to have a good conversation in there. We ended up leaving early cause I could tell he was getting bored. I think it'll be better in a more intimate situation.
Oh and I am now officially a gamer. I have started playing World of Warcraft (at the expense of my school work, I'm sure).
Currently
playing
:
World of Warcraft Release date: 23 November, 2004
I should be going to bed right now, since I have to get up at 5 tomorrow, but I had an idea I just had to write down.
I'm super into analogies. All day my head swims with analagies as a way for it to make sense of the world. I think this comes from using the symbolism of my tarot cards so frequently and equating that with whats going on in my world. The analagies I most often use are those that are compared to the ultimate duality of the world, my head. (Yes I like that word, duality). Tonight I'm thinking specifically about the way an electron in physics world exists as both a particle and a waveform together wrapped up into a nice little balanced duality. Like our nice wrapped up little heads, we have two sides where we exist as pointilistic representations and swirly wyrlie wave formes. They call the right side of the brain the more intuitive creative side, is in a box, yet can find their own way out of the box (screw the instructions.) This is the waveform swirling in its little space just aching to get out. The left side of the brain sets up those structures of particles and places itself inside the box at a given time. Time is that left brain's best friend. It's always there making sense of the world for it. I see the innovative right brain dancing all around inside my head while the structured left brain is placing the foot steps on the ground in front of me (or behind?) for the evidence that this has just happened. The left brain really wants all the evidence before it can go on. Solve for the waveform f(x), while right brain sits and watches, perhaps humming a little song for the puzzle. Is this how they come together after all? Any suggestions on how to get these two brains to work together in a safe balanced environment, cause they get a little rowdy in there at times.
Things are still going good for those of you who have been following. I made a brash move and went to florida with B last weekend to go to Epcott. Yeah, I had only known him for a week, but we had a lot of fun! It was definitely worth it. He's a good guy. A little wacky, but wacky is fun too. I just hope he likes my little wackinesses here and there.
Currently
listening
:
Coming on Strong
By
Hot Chip
Release date: 29 November, 2005
I'm going to make this one short, but I just wanted to keep my 2 faithful readers updated on how my internet love life is going. Remember I blogged about that guy K on one of the last blogs? Well, I talked to him for a while and he started getting annoying so I decided to drop him. I haven't told him yet and am hoping that he gets the hint by me not answering his calls. Maybe I should just do the courteous thing and tell him I met someone else.
And while I'm on the topic of meeting someone else, why yes, I did meet someone else; we'll call him "B". Unfortunately he knows about my myspace and has read my embaressing blogs, so to save me from future embaressment I'm not going to divulge my inner desires, fears, worries, excitements, etc. here. At least for now. But what I can tell you is that I really like him and he seems to really like me. I've only known him about a week or so but every time we hang out I have a really good time and when we're not together I can't wait to see him again. He's a good guy and he's very real, not putting on any sort of front, and he's super smart. And I could see him getting along with all my friends, which is always a good thing. So wish me luck, and I'll keep you posted.
Currently
listening
:
Remain in Light
By
Talking Heads
Release date: 25 October, 1990
I was reading a Tom Robbins book where he wrote a small passage on Joseph Campbell and the Power of Myth and I thought to myself "gee, I haven't seen that in a while. I wonder if its on Youtube" I did a search and while I didn't find The Power of Myth, I did find Zeitgeist. You might've heard of this, I know its been floating around the internet, but if you haven't seen it yet, WATCH IT. By the way, if anyone knows where I can watch The Power of Myth, let me know.
Neat, huh? Now not only can I say that I am an atheist, I can add a nonbeliever in Christ. An achristist? Antichristist?
I decided I'm going to blog about my extensive experiences in internet dating. Yes I am a nerd and at times totally socially awkward (or at least believe so), so that I have trouble meeting guys in a social setting. Plus I don't get out a lot; most of my friends are married and only do married people stuff. So this week, I will blog about the guy I met on Match, who I will call "K".
K was the one that emailed me first and was evidently intrigued by the fact that I said I wanted to get out of Cleveland at some time in my life. He feels the same way and so we started talking; or rather, chatting. Chatting has been going decently and like always I am the one doing the chatting mostly, but I think that may be due to the fact that I'm a fast typist. I love chatting on the internet, as it gives me time to come up with clever things to say, where in person I am not quite as quick-witted and a bit self-conscious which can always get in the way. I end up loving myself when I look at what I write.
Now, this guy is attractive and for some stupid reason I have an inferiority complex around attractive people. Must go back to high school and its totally stupid, I know, and one day I'll hopefully get over it but for now its there. So, it causes me anxiety to think of us getting together in person. What if he notices the bit of chub around my stomach that I go to lengths to try to conceal. What if he finds my big overpicked nostrils to be totally disgusting. What if I get a zit around my chin where I pull out that one long dark hair that always keeps popping up. Again, I'm being ridiculous, I do realize, but again for now its there. This is why I made up an excuse that I had to watch football on Sunday when he asked me out for lunch. I have never watched a full football game in my life.
I did, however agree to give him my number last night after chatting for a while and he promised he'd call me today. Evidently, he was very excited to call me since he called at 5:30 as he was driving home from work. We chatted for a while until he got to where he was going and offered to call back in a few hours so we could continue chatting. We chatted again for about an hour and I found out that he goes out to bars and seems to have a lot of friends (among many other things). This scares me. If we were to start dating I would have to hang out with all his friends and I'm damn scared of meeting new people! Which is just the reason why I'm sitting here on a friday night typing this.
Of course, all this worrying about meeting face to face and being social could all be bunk. I could meet him next weekend and find myself completely comfortable as has happened many times in my dating experience. Only twice have I met someone and still felt awkward and anxious and those were obviously not the right people for me. Maybe his friends are all nerdy like me and I could totally get along with them really well. I do like him. I like that when I called him back (I was on the phone when he called the second time) he said "hey you", like we were really good friends that went way back.
I will keep you posted.
Currently
listening
:
O Brother, Where Art Thou?
By
Various Artists - Soundtrack
Release date: 05 December, 2000
I'm really sick of dating. Really. I know I keep saying this and then eventually end up going on these dates anyway with that small glimmer of hope that this one might be The One. These guys are all great guys, but...
Then I eventually get stuck in a situation where I have to make it evident that I'm not interested or I'll have to just stop talking to them, which I feel bad doing. Again, they're really nice guys, but...
Maybe I should stop going for the nice guys? Maybe I should overlook that "but" part? Maybe I should just get some confidence and actually take the risk of going up to someone who I'm actually attracted to and ask them out? Maybe I should stop meeting people on the internet first. Afterall, everyone sounds good on the internet! Maybe I'm not giving them enough of a chance in person. But, if sparks don't fly right off the bat, when are they ever going to fly?
I've only been in love once and that was a slow process, it didn't just happen all of a sudden. I do remember that I really liked being with him all the time and couldn't wait to hang out with him. And I was attracted to him too. This guy I just went out with was mildly entertaining and I was enjoying talking to him over the internet, but I just wasn't attracted to him.
It must suck to be a guy, though, and be the one who pays for dinner and then gets turned down later. Of course I do always offer/insist to pay my way, but they always decline and I get a free meal out of it. I feel bad about that. Guys! Stop paying for women! You're getting the short end of the stick!
Today started out really badly. I mixed up my medications last night and took the evening ones in the morning and vice versa, and this morning I had my coffee and boy, was I buzzing. I felt all jittery and shaky and quite paranoid. Why did I feel so great back before I started taking medication and now if I forget it or mess it up, its hell. This medication is evil.
Those experiences I had were all -different- but not bad. I was living in a dream world, thats for sure, but it wasn't all delusional. I still don't think that. Now I have goals, but no dreams. I never daydream, only plan. Is this growing up, cause I don't like it. Daydreaming used to be so important to me all the way back to when I was a kid. And then all those dreams came true in their own way - running away, falling in love, altered states of consciousness. Now I'm scared that if all I do is plan and those plans are usually based around work or money, that's all I'll have in my future. Dreams make reality right? So if I'm not dreaming will life stay stagnant? If, as a teenager, I could see myself now I would have been pissed that I sold out on my values. Are my values still the same or did they change along the way? I truly feel like there are two me's. One living in the world of my career and one living in the world at home. I just wish I had something to dream about again, something inspiring.
Currently
listening
:
Takk...
By
Sigur Rós
Release date: 13 September, 2005
cultured
cooky/wacky
hopeful
disappointed
