Election years ROCK!

Best Amendment Ever!

Dear Knee-Jerk America,

Check out this article once you're done Googling those Nicole Kidman-Keith Urban wedding photos.

Your friend,
Maybe more,
Matt Bearden

10:44 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

Yes/No?

Greatest ever?

2:59 PM - 5 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Holy Toledo! GameShow! loves you...

I don't really know who Jessica Thornton is, or where she came from...



Thanks to all who came out to GameShow! Sneak Preview!

We managed to give away just over $100 in cash, drinks, and prizes.

This Tuesday is GameShow! KICK OFF!

Real Challenges, Real Prizes, Real Winners!



Or stay home and be a big fag.

8:36 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

GameShow! Live!

I really think this is going to be fantastic!
I haven't been this excited for a project since I was hired to run Ohio's voting machines.
Real challenges, real prizes, real winners! The Price is Right can suck it.



**********

7:47 PM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

This will be fantastic. Seriously.

As a dude, you've already seen the ads and ignored them. That's why I'm writing this alert.

This Sunday, the 13th, is the third annual Stitch fashion show and Crafty Whoo-ha-ha Thing. Obviously you'll spend your day grilling, or drinking or scoping out hot ass on MySpace, and you certainly wouldn't want to attend a fashion show and craft bazaar, because that's for girls and guys who like crying. But here's why you're an asshole:

You know that unbelievably good looking girl you can't stop looking at every-time you go to Emo's or $1 nite at the Hole, or Jackalope, or where ever it is you go to get all worked up over girls who won't bang you? (Because you try too hard, and this is Austin, and she knows your ex - so she's already heard what a lame piece of ass you are.) Well, she'll be there. TRUST ME. And she'll be there with (I shit you not) about 800 of her cute-as-baby-Jesus Art-Hip girlfriends. And she'll be all high on shopping and knitting and fashion and crap-assed dj music and all the rest of the elements that make being a girl wonderful for a girl. And she'll be drinking. A lot. Are you still too daft to catch on?

Or maybe you've got a woman in your life. She wants to go, and you're all like, "go ahead, I'm gonna stick around here and drink Lone Star and master this kick-flip while I'm wearing this black hoodie like me and all the rest of my super-original dude friends, because crafts are for fags." Well hey, Gustavo, why not take a chance and attend Stitch with your lady? When you get there, take $40 out of your wallet, and give it to her to spend on some dried strawberry earrings, or a purse made out of ties, or a felt and bottle cap iPod koozie or whatever the fuck it is girls buy. You can hang out with all the rest of your friends who got dragged along. (A:"Dude, I thought you said you were going to look at a motorcycle today? What the fuck are you doing here?" B:"The same thing you're doing here, douche.") In the mean time, she'll have a couple of beers. She'll shake her ass to a GoldChains/Bloc Party/Serge Gainsbourg Mash-up. She'll have a good time for a change. (Listen, I know when she goes with you to your friend's house to watch you do wheelies and pitch washers she says she's having a good time, but dude...come on...really?) This good time will lead to her thinking you ARE the one for her. You'll get home, and, in the heat of the shopping experience euphoria, she just might be worked up enough to dole out the greatest beej you've ever had. (To the girls reading this and getting offended.. shut it. I got $40 out of that tight wad's wallet for you, didn't I? I'm also not saying you have to do it. He'll be all drunk and just pass out anyway, so chill.)

Finally, take note GSD&M. This is how you advertise.

Your friend,
Maybe more,
Matt Bearden

4:49 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Dear Matt -

Dear Matt,

I hear your little remodeling project is going much slower than planned. Word on the street is, you're in way over your head.

Just Wondering,
Us

**************************

Dear Us,

Eat a dick.

Seriously,
Matt

PS It's all beer and saw dust.

8:38 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Lazarus and Satire.

So some have all but buried Satire; witness Robo-Cop and Starship Troopers (both penned as satires, but lost on Hollywood executives, Bloat-Americans, and that kid at Blockbuster who keeps filing them under Action/Adventure instead of Comedy). Judging from some reactions to sites like BonzaiKitten and Black People Love Us even the most obvious examples are sometimes lost on a society that loves it's laughs a tad simplistic. So here's to all those Comedic Minded EMT's that are still working like Emergency Sessionists at Schiavo's Bedside to keep pastiche and send-uppery alive and well.

1:51 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

So long, Austin.

Looks like I'll be moving again.

6:13 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Irregardless [sic]

Dear Strunk and White,

Hey guys, thanks for the work. While I find yours' to be a bit of a boring tome, it is, none-the-less, quite useful. One question, though: on which page might one find the phrase "your to hott"? It seems to be all over MySpace, but nowhere in your musings. Are you dudes just behind the times? Get with it, yo!

Your friend,
Maybe more,
Matt Bearden

P.S. If you've banged a dude because he posted 'tasty' or 'hott' to your comments section, please let me know. I'm compiling a book.

11:04 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Venezuela, Mon Amor!

And the "evidence" continues to mount. I'm putting $5 on 30 months or less until deposition. Again, note the peculiar 'Offbeat News' framing.

12:34 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment