SUPPORT OUR MILITARY- MAKE THEM LAUGH

I have had the privilege of going overseas to entertain the troops. Having met these extremely brave men and women, or in a lot of cases, boys and girls, has given me an eleveated sense of appreciation for my country.

I have about 20 bucks in my bank account- so I can't really give much to the troops but I can give this:

If you are in any branch of the military (no Minute Men don't really count...we'll talk) and you want to come to any of my shows, just Myspace me and I will get you and your date(s) free tickets. It's not the biggest gift and I'm not the biggest comedian, but hey, 5-20 buck admission is still a pain in the ass on a saturday night, so there ya go.

Iliza

5:52 PM - 22 Comments - 34 Kudos - Add Comment

MY RESUME

As I face the idea of leaving my job- I decided to take a look back at my "career"- I even made a resume- ya know, in case some place really crappy is hiring.

ILIZA SHLESINGER   ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Working toward building a career in working.

2000-2007

CICI'S PIZZA -1 day

Assisted in wiping down the salad bar… That's as far as I got before my mom told me to quit.

SPEEDO STORE (Dallas Galleria Mall)  3 days

Assisted in helping weird European tourists try on Speedos. Quit out of boredom and my dislike for wearing athletic shorts in the winter.

THE BODY SHOP (Dallas Galleria Mall) - A while

Best fing job ever. Duties included selling make up to girls who didn't need it, peddling water-scented-chi-karma infused bath gel to men out of ideas for gifts around at Christmas and stealing unsold merchandise from the company storage unit. Need Peppermint foot cream? I'm your guy.

STEVE MADDEN SHOES (Dallas Galleria Mall) - 3 months

Duties included selling shoes named things like "Candy" "Flirty" and  "Tancy" for girls named things like Candy, Flirty and Tancy. Was phased out of the work schedule when I stopped calling in for shifts due to an over zealous coworker…We're working for commission, not blood, ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Erin!

THE GRENADA MOVIE THEATER AND GRILL (Dallas, TX) - 2 months

Ticket seller, not ticket taker. Would spend countless hours staring out the ticket window thinking "this is the part of my autobiography where I'm failing". Was again, phased out of the work schedule- details are sketchy.

SIGNATURE ATHLETIC CLUB (Dallas, TX) - a month?

Having belonged to this upscale club when I was a kid (my family belonged, not me), now being an employee, it was a bit like a Cinderella story- but just the first part- there was no ball. They gave me a name tag of some other girls name, a sweet XXL jean shirt which I had to, ugh, tuck INTO khakis... not worth the free membership.

CANDYLAND (Boston, MA) – 1 day

Duties included walking around the 20 X 30 ft store asking people if they needed help and telling them not to sample the goods without my assistance. The final straw in that 8 hour shift of saccharine misery  was me having to refill a candy bin by pouring in a 10 lb bag of M&Ms into it. They ended up on the floor…and I with them…eating them…fast as I could so as to hide the evidence. They never heard from me again and I hope they went out of business.

PT'S WORLD FAMOUS GENTLEMEN'S CLUB (Dallas, TX) 3 days

Hired on as the door girl. One day my boss called me into his office and said "touch my balls" referring to the Asian stress balls he had on his desk... I have a feeling he meant his nut sack and not the Asian Stress Balls.  Quit after they refused to pay me but offered me a different kind of job.

J's BREAKFAST AND BURGER (Dallas, TX) A summer

Duties included being a waitress in one of the only diners where the wait staff could smoke while taking orders, giving lonely old men their coffee and being called the smartest person ever by the other waitress because I was in college.

NORTH DALLAS CLUB/BAR (Dallas, TX) – A summer

Hired on as a man named Don's personal assistant. Duties included watching him smoke cigarettes, listening to him bitch about his Dental Technician wife, eating lunch with him and filtering the 5 phone calls a day. Since I was a film major in college, they thought I would make a good DJ, you know, technology and all- so they hired me as a part time DJ. Duties included putting a "Now That's What I Call Music" Cd on repeat while I drank and did drugs…Oh, and played darts.

ASSISTANT TO THE PRODUCER OF AMERICAN PIE 4-(Los Angeles, CA)  5 weeks

Duties included trying to blend into an already tightly knit production office, playing online and pretending to file…I did, however, get to read  the Red Eye screenplay before it hit theaters. Then I was let go.

P.A. ON THE SET OF A LISA MARIE PRESLEY MUSIC VIDEO (LA) 1 day

Duties included watching Lisa Marie Presley make a jack ass out of herself while Quentin Tarantino made a cameo and an even bigger ass out of himself. Duties also included holding a fan facing her to make her hair blow sexily behind her. Self appointed duties: Keeping the fan on ""high" resulting in hair going everywhere and several subsequent retakes.

PLANET 3 CREATIVE AGENCY- (LA) – one year

Duties included pretending to be awake, watching TV and finding a spot near a window where I could sun myself while the "boutique" agency struggled to find clients. I was let go.

1:33 PM - 4 Comments - 5 Kudos - Add Comment

MY RESUME

As I face the idea of leaving my job- I decided to take a look back at my "career"- I even made a resume- ya know, in case some place really crappy is hiring.

ILIZA SHLESINGER   ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

Working toward building a career in working.

2000-2007

CICI'S PIZZA -1 day

Assisted in wiping down the salad bar… That's as far as I got before my mom told me to quit.

SPEEDO STORE (Dallas Galleria Mall)  3 days

Assisted in helping weird European tourists try on Speedos. Quit out of boredom and my dislike for wearing athletic shorts in the winter.

THE BODY SHOP (Dallas Galleria Mall) - A while

Best fing job ever. Duties included selling make up to girls who didn't need it, peddling water-scented-chi-karma infused bath gel to men out of ideas for gifts around at Christmas and stealing unsold merchandise from the company storage unit. Need Peppermint foot cream? I'm your guy.

STEVE MADDEN SHOES (Dallas Galleria Mall) - 3 months

Duties included selling shoes named things like "Candy" "Flirty" and  "Tancy" for girls named things like Candy, Flirty and Tancy. Was phased out of the work schedule when I stopped calling in for shifts due to an over zealous coworker…We're working for commission, not blood, ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Erin!

THE GRENADA MOVIE THEATER AND GRILL (Dallas, TX) - 2 months

Ticket seller, not ticket taker. Would spend countless hours staring out the ticket window thinking "this is the part of my autobiography where I'm failing". Was again, phased out of the work schedule- details are sketchy.

SIGNATURE ATHLETIC CLUB (Dallas, TX) - a month?

Having belonged to this upscale club when I was a kid (my family belonged, not me), now being an employee, it was a bit like a Cinderella story- but just the first part- there was no ball. They gave me a name tag of some other girls name, a sweet XXL jean shirt which I had to, ugh, tuck INTO khakis... not worth the free membership.

CANDYLAND (Boston, MA) – 1 day

Duties included walking around the 20 X 30 ft store asking people if they needed help and telling them not to sample the goods without my assistance. The final straw in that 8 hour shift of saccharine misery  was me having to refill a candy bin by pouring in a 10 lb bag of M&Ms into it. They ended up on the floor…and I with them…eating them…fast as I could so as to hide the evidence. They never heard from me again and I hope they went out of business.

PT'S WORLD FAMOUS GENTLEMEN'S CLUB (Dallas, TX) 3 days

Hired on as the door girl. One day my boss called me into his office and said "touch my balls" referring to the Asian stress balls he had on his desk... I have a feeling he meant his nut sack and not the Asian Stress Balls.  Quit after they refused to pay me but offered me a different kind of job.

J's BREAKFAST AND BURGER (Dallas, TX) A summer

Duties included being a waitress in one of the only diners where the wait staff could smoke while taking orders, giving lonely old men their coffee and being called the smartest person ever by the other waitress because I was in college.

NORTH DALLAS CLUB/BAR (Dallas, TX) – A summer

Hired on as a man named Don's personal assistant. Duties included watching him smoke cigarettes, listening to him bitch about his Dental Technician wife, eating lunch with him and filtering the 5 phone calls a day. Since I was a film major in college, they thought I would make a good DJ, you know, technology and all- so they hired me as a part time DJ. Duties included putting a "Now That's What I Call Music" Cd on repeat while I drank and did drugs…Oh, and played darts.

ASSISTANT TO THE PRODUCER OF AMERICAN PIE 4-(Los Angeles, CA)  5 weeks

Duties included trying to blend into an already tightly knit production office, playing online and pretending to file…I did, however, get to read  the Red Eye screenplay before it hit theaters. Then I was let go.

P.A. ON THE SET OF A LISA MARIE PRESLEY MUSIC VIDEO (LA) 1 day

Duties included watching Lisa Marie Presley make a jack ass out of herself while Quentin Tarantino made a cameo and an even bigger ass out of himself. Duties also included holding a fan facing her to make her hair blow sexily behind her. Self appointed duties: Keeping the fan on ""high" resulting in hair going everywhere and several subsequent retakes.

PLANET 3 CREATIVE AGENCY- (LA) – one year

Duties included pretending to be awake, watching TV and finding a spot near a window where I could sun myself while the "boutique" agency struggled to find clients. I was let go.

1:33 PM - 8 Comments - 12 Kudos - Add Comment

CAT POWER!

12:41 AM - 14 Comments - 21 Kudos - Add Comment

TYRA BANKS THINKS IM UGLY

So... I got an email from the Tyra Banks show saying that they loved my myspace page and thought I was so funny and wanted to talk to me. So I called them- I thought, wow, Tyra Banks wants me to do stand up on their show..or something. So I called and the producer explained to me that they wanted to do a segment answering the question "do attractive people get better service?" (Yes yes I know, a far cry from pervious topics "do good looking people get treated better" "do ugly people get treated worse" and "look ya'll, Tyra's in a fat suit again") In any case, I felt flattered, wow, a talk show run by a super model thinks I'm attractive.. "Ms. Shlesinger, we were looking at your page/pictures...You're not glamorous or like, a bombshell- kind of average looking girl next door- we want to give you a make over- do you think that would help with your stand up?"

I heard crickets.

"No" I said "Fashion and comedy do not go hand in hand. I don't think people would listen to me more if you stuck me in some bad outfit from Kohls." COME ON! It isn't as if I don't shower before my shows...and I do wear some make up- I'm not a total warthog (but wouldn't it be fun to be one for a day?). "We just thought maybe, since better looking people are treated better on a daily basis, maybe you would get a better response if you had a make over" they said. YA know it isn't as if people chuck vegetables at me as I walk down the street, I think I get treated pretty well for a non super model. "Well, what about at your work? What if we did the make over and did a big reveal to your office" Uh, I'm not your average HR worker who loves Tyra and watches your show....ok? I work in an office with 5 people most of whom I don't see or talk to... So aside from just making me uncomfortable for a day, I can't see the point of making me over for work. "Well" I said "even if I wanted to, it's really up to my manager" "you have a manager?" she/he asked "we got the impression that you were more amateur..ya know, maybe we could come film you at like, a local open mic" It was at this point in the conversation that I wondered, what did I ever do to you? "Well, we'll talk to your manager either way. In any case, I think you're funny and I loved your blog" Really, I thought, because if you read my blogs..you would see that on Friday, April 26th I posed a blog entitled "TYRA BANKS: The Antichrist" safe to say, I'm not a fan.

Let's pretend that, for a second, I was a directionless person of marginal talent and got this $5 make over... It woudl probably consist of some sort of chunky high lighted hair (most of my readers are guys, so I'll explain "chunky highlighs" are when a girl gets stripes of color in her hair- bottom line, the recipient thinks they look "funky" whic is a synonym for "trashy") and the aforementioned Kohls wardrobe...gaucho pants, flirty jean jacket..ugh, pointy shoes..some sort of huge belt...ugh. They would gather 10 of my close family and friends and fiance (bc the girls who get makeovers always have fiances) at some random coffee house and reveal "the new iliza" to tens of applauds. I would then be forced to do the most awkward comedy set of my life in heels and a skirt. After the canrival of bad comedy, I would appear on the show.
I would walk onstage in said outfit and look right at Tyra and say "Tyra, girlfriend, I gotta tell you- ya know those days where you feel just terrible? Like really down on yourself and ugly?" And Tyra, always the understanding friend would pretend like she was totally there with me "honey child, I know! I know that feeling, you know I was a model and when I was a model, modeling, I felt bad all the time- I know that feeling" "Right, well, Tyra, that was how I felt EVERY DAY of my life UNTIL this makeover- I feel transformed" Then we would hug until the commercial break where she would turn into a bat with a poof of smoke and fly away into the moon.

THANK YOU TYRA- WHAT WOULD NORMAL PEOPLE DO WITHOUT YOU THERE TO REMIND THEM THAT YOU ARE JUST AS NORMAL AS THEM! BE GONE, BAT!

6:13 PM - 57 Comments - 66 Kudos - Add Comment

DOES ANYONE ELSE CARE TO FIND THIS IRONIC?

I'm gonna jump right into this one. Get in, get out, like a lye bath. I have to pee, so I'm gonna type quickly.

Lisa Rinna
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=Lisa+Rinna&btnG=Google+Search

That lady that was on dancing with the stars. Okay, so no one really knows her or cares- but most people know her as having huge lips- I always thought "wow, this woman has, possibly, THE worst haircut ever" really, it looks like a dead raccoon with highlights. It's terrible, she looks like the lead singer of the GooGoo Dolls (yeah I bought "dizzy up the Girl...what of it)

Anyway, point is, the Oxygen Network has decided to have her host this new show called TEASE- it's a reality competition between..HAIR DRESSERS... Sorry, but this woman is the last person that needs to be juding hair...really, watch her for a week, it's like a carnival of bad hair...all day every day..

Fill in the blank..

LISA RINNA hosting "TEASE" is like ______ hosting ______!

5:24 PM - 16 Comments - 24 Kudos - Add Comment

JUICE GUYS ARE WEIRD

I was drinking a Nantucket Nectar- and I looked under the cap..my buddy, I
>looked under the cap.
>
>I was expecting to find, like, a quote or a factoid...like snapple
>does..maybe even a code, like Sobe has on their caps..instead i found this
>lil nugget of info:
>
>"Juice guy Larry Belka works at Bartlett's Farm, which has been run by the
>same family for seven generations."
>
>What? Who the hell is Larry Belka..What is Bartlett Farms? Sounds to me
>like
>Larry Belka is the Russian janitor and has accomplished no great feat by
>simply working...
>
>
>Then I looked at the label- there was a little story on the back, it read:
>
>At Nantucket Nectars we love making juice. We also like to surf and once a
>year we get together at Cisco Beach for the Ozone Surf Classic. Local
>surfers of all ages and board sizes show their stuff while a crowd of
>people
>watch and enjoy the day. We like getting involved with events like this
>that
>hehlp bring people together to enjoy life a little more. We're juice guys."
>(there is a copright R after that "we're juice guys"- good thing they
>coprighted that one- would hate to see another compay steal that lil
>marketing gem.)
>
>What the hell was that cap quote and what the hell does that label blurb
>have to do with juice? "We loooove surfing, we're juice guys" that is as
>incongruous as Hershey's being like "We looove robot building, we're the
>chocolate people!"
>
>I went on reading this weird label...
>It says "Nantucket Nectars" Pineapple Orange Guava
>Then right next to the flavors it says "With three other juices"...I can
>understand "add natural flavors" "made with apple juice" or something, but
>the vacuous "with three other juices". It's almost like a mystery meat pie.
>"Bob's Chili" made with Turkey, Beef, Pork and 4 other meats...
>
>I read the other fruits, one of them is passion fruit..why would you hide
>that? It's not a common fruit, so, if anything, replace orange with passion
>fruit on the label- I thikn the world would be a better place with a little
>more passion...fruit
>
>
>

6:16 PM - 7 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

NEWSCAST

Okay, so I made this video, check it out at youtube if you haven't seen it on my page.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i05Ujbb7P5Q

1:47 PM - 12 Comments - 15 Kudos - Add Comment

I F'ING HATE STARBUCKS

I never go into Starbucks- and today I remembered why. For some reason at around 3pm, I wanted something sweet to drink. I didnt want juice- I dont know why I wanted some sort of iced coffee drink- I dont even drink coffee in the morning. But, I figured it would be a good pick me up.

So I went down to Starbucks. I didnt want to drink a gigantic tall crappacino- oh, excuse me, in the land of Starbucks, tall actually means short- so whatever, I didnt want to get a huge VENTI  corporate concoction- so I got a MEDIUM-grande (like that makes any sense) drink. I didnt want caramel bc that is too sweet for 3 oclock on a Thursday, so I got an Iced Mocha- Who the fuck knew that chocolate could be so bitter- BLAH!  Not only do they have the NERVE to call a cup that can barely hold the contents of a coke can, a MEDIUM but it tasted like pure cocoa powder- nauseous and angry that my WaMu account had just lost 4.75 or 3.45 or whatever other obscure, obscene amount they deem appropriate to charge for the hand picked CACAO beans that go into my monopolistic splooge they call mocha- I walked out. I wanted to go back, march up to the counter and say Im sorry, Im not programmed to love your coffee, this tastes like rat pee and I want a different drink but I couldnt. One because their coffee had become my problem, not theirs and two, the mid afternoon coffee run had begun and Johnsons had already started forming a line out the door. I didnt want to cut in line, despite the fact that the 4foot 11, 180lb woman in front of me had just ordered a TALL caramel macciato THANK GOD YOU GOT THE SMALL ONE- lord knows caramel, chocolate, whipped crème and sugar is TOTALLY considered a health drink as long as ITS IN SMALL DOSES. Tall? Its a short drink, short like you- piggy! And whats this? Starbucks has a featured CD? Sitting right there on the counter as well as playing, its BOB MARELY- repackaged, remastered and redistributed. Ah,  redemption song- nothing quite makes people feel like they are in the coffee bean fields of some third word country like Bob Marly. Fing hate hippies. The name of the CD is The Peoples Music- What people? The people who sold the rights of the peoples music to fing Starbucks?  The corny college kids playing that cd, dirnkin bong water in a room with a black light and jars filled with highlighter water next to their John Belushi College poster? The kids or 30 year olds that buy that cd are the same assclowns that are gonna by the Cole Porter mix cd come Christmas Time because they just love jazz. No, you love one Cole Porter song because you think you are supposed to. The closest you will ever come to experiencing Jazz is going out to some sort of Bistro on a pathetic first date and maybe listening to a Norah Jones record when you are trying to hook up later. Or you could take a time machine back to a speakeasy and really get into it- other than that, you arent gonna find a shred of originality at Starbucks.

 "I love coffee houses- yeah, I love to just chill and soak in the vibe and work on my laptop- Im writing a screenplay."  Oh yeah, totally, I know when I want to concentrate and delve deep into my creativity- nothing is more calming then the sound of  fat beat poets ordering made up Dr. Seuss-sounding drinks at a rapid pace while perfectly proportioned and chemically treated crèmes spin through blenders- I LOVE THAT- super calming. Not to mention this tragically hip cd of Michael Buble or fucking Antigone Rising that is drowning out any remnants of peace and quiet in my mind. Shut the gdamn cd off and find some music that doesnt blow.  I cant get the phrase half cap frap out of my head

I took my drink and added some milk to it in an effort to dilute the moca concentrate that was my drink. No luck. Of course. Starbucks, you are an evil and trendy beast.

3:14 PM - 12 Comments - 13 Kudos - Add Comment

Mo'nique...ugh

I dont care if you hate me for this blog. I have plenty of well worded, borderline brilliant thoughts in other blogs, so if you dont like this one, I invite you to peruse my collection.

While on a plane ride from Honolulu to North America (the final in an 3 legged trip from Asia back home) I watched a movie called PHAT GIRLZ, starring MoNique.

Whhooooo is Monique you ask?

http://www.1monique.com/mainv3.html

Not only is she on the UPNs THE PARKERS- a trite sitcom about a sassy black womanI know I know, the originality is mind blowing. But she has also taken the liberty of, I guess producing, something called MoNiques Fat Chance where some fat chick competes with other fat chicks in an effort to win the crown of being Miss Fat. Fat stands for Fabulous and Thickgood one, wonder how long it took the writers to come up with that gem. They arent nauseating and unhealthy, they are fabulous and thick. Being big is one thing, but being fat because you cant stop shoving food in your face is totally another and, honestly, shouldnt be rewarded.

Youre not fat- You are fabulous and thick!

Youre not stupid- Youre charmingly unaware.

Youre not selfish- Youre just really focused.

Just cuz you make an acronym out of it, doesnt make it right.

I watched this show. I wanted to like it. I only caught the evening gown portion. Not sure if there was a bathing suit contest-dont wanna know. To be honest, I wanted to like it. I wanted to turn that on and be like wow, these women are really pretty- they are big, but they look healthy.

Fact is, most of them werent even pretty They were just fat, not thickFAT- you want an acronym? FAT ASS and TUMMYthere, make it an easier to swallow?

As if beauty pageant dresses arent ugly enough with the bright colors and the cheap sequins and the lace-on this show there was just more of that. The dresses were just bigger and tackier and uglier. There was nothing graceful or classy about the whole thing. Top it off with Monique (Ugh, why the hell is there an apostrophe in this name? With or without it- its still Monique If anything its just harder to type. So from now on, she will go by Mo Mo is short for Mooo) as the host. It was painful watching her as she struggled to enunciate her words over, her fat throat- sounded like it was closing up on her every few seconds.  I wanted to hit her, or, in the words of Mike Jones (Ring her fat goose neck till her eyeballs popped out)

Point is, the show was stupid. The Parkers is stupid- Im sorry but can we stop making black sitcoms where the white friend is goofy and stupid? Is that what makes the African American audience feel better? Having only shows where white people are absolute morons? I digress.

I watched PHAT GIRLZ.

So, basically she is fat and she and her friend win a trip and go to Palm Springs and meet two hot African doctors. And they fall in love, but Mo cant accept his love because she hates herself so much. Several montages later she has overcome her hatred for herself and somehow with no fashion training, convinced some white dude that she is a designer and he launches her clothing linefor fat women. Its all the rage and she falls back in love with her man and is happy.

She is fat and hates herself, despite her thin veil of confidence that is only shown when someone challenges her or, out of nowhere, calls her a fat bitch (which, not surprisingly, happens at least like 4 times in our movie-giving our heroin a real reason to lash out) and she responds either by saying Whatd you say to me followed by  her either hitting her verbal assailant or insulting them with yo mama jokes. What does that teach kids? If someone says something rude to you, its totally okay to hit them or insult them 95 style.

I dont want to write this blog anymore, the point is Mo has found her way into my life one too many times and I hate that I even know who she is. Im not sure if I hate her or myself at this point. My eyes!

5:19 PM - 15 Comments - 17 Kudos - Add Comment