Jokes of My Week 09/05/2008
Current mood: nauseated
Category: Life

Man time does fly, It's Friday and I'm behind in my jokes. It has been a very lean week of jokes in my in-box but here are a few Groaners that made it in.

ENJOY!

From my Dad:

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running  boards.'
 The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
 'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of  headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
 'Oh, OK!' said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'
 'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

From My Brother in Florida:

All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia , they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

And Another:

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Now don't You Feel better?

GOOD !!! -

Tomorrow we'll do Jessie Jackson! 

And Another:

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'

 'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!'

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with an even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?'

'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her

 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'

 A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a beer. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat. So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and ....She had a pecker, BOB!   She had this great BIG pecker!... And I can't swim BOB!

I can't swim!'

From a Friend in Texas:

A TEXAS ORIGINAL'

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio . The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.

'But,' said the guy from Tech, 'I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock . There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th.'

The Longhorn said 'Well, at my local bar in Austin , the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2.'

'Hell, that's nothin',' the Aggie responded. 'Back in College Station there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it's all on the house.'

The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie's claims. 'And this actually happened to you?' asked the Tech grad.

'No, not myself personally,' admitted the Aggie. 'But it did happen to my girlfriend.'  

And Another:

Bad News from Home

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house . '

'Ah yes, Ernesto . What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition? '

'Si, Senor, that's the one . '

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird . What did He die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod . '

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse . '

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod . '

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod! , he died from all that work pulling the water cart .

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor . '

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught On fire. '

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod . . '

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod . '

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club . '

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . . .

LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'

And Another:

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes they're having a yard sale!!!'

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

One last Groaner from my Dad

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. 
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 
'No,' she replies. . . 
Wait for it. . 
…….
…….
She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.' 

Have a Great Weekend!

Peace!

2:31 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Sarah Palin - In My Humble Opinion
Current mood: high
Category: News and Politics

My Fellow Americans....

I have been guilty of a first impression of this woman as a "HOTTIE", and even compared her to whom I think is one of the sexiest women on the planet: Mariska Hargitay. This still holds true in my opinion as a man. But After reading more about this person there is much more than meets the eye. As a semi-conservative Republican American Voter, I feel she will be the best choice as the new Vice President of these UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

First of all the Liberal News Media and the Democrats have been shaking her tree for any skeletons to fall. She has a couple on blemishes and I'm sure there will be more. But who in the world is perfect? There was only one person in World History that was deemed "PERFECT" and they hung his ass on a cross.

If she can make it through the next couple of weeks of having the DEMS sift through her entire life, then she will be tough enough to run this country some day. The Dems want to know everything from when she was born, to when her last period was.. I'll bet they even want to turn the Hubble Telescope towards Alaska this week just to have a closer look.

I don't write this to DEFEND her or WINE about how she is being ripped apart in the Media. As a voter I expect it and I'm confident she does too. As she said about Hillary; "Whining about how she is being scrutinized is a dis-service to all women in positions of power". Those words alone prove she is ready for the fight, regardless of what McCain knew about her before he chose her. I just have a few things to comment on about some of the NON-ISSUES the Liberal Media is trying to Stir up.

In My Humble Opinion:

If her 17 year old Daughter is pregnant and they choose to keep the baby and try to raise it, then she couldn't be more supportive of that family choice. Palin has made it apparent that she is Pro-Life. I'm on the fence in the whole Roe Vs Wade stuff. I hate to see a termination of life even before the child is born. But there are circumstances where a mother may choose to terminate her pregnancy. I don't think Abortion should be considered a "Birth-Control Method".  I SURE AS HELL don't want to see abortion abolished so we go back to ALLEY FRONT BUTCHER SHOPS where frightened women are carved up like a pumpkin with some dirty scalpels or a coat hanger. The Choice her daughter made several months ago with the 18 year old kid, was their choice, and so should this one be. In my humble opinion this is a private family matter and the press needs to leave it alone.

I read today that Teen Age pregnancy is a real problem in this country. No surprise there. I also read that TEXAS is the worst. Every 10 minutes in this state a teen gets pregnant. This will bring this problem to light and there will be debates from anyone that wants to speak about it.. But trying to blame HER as a parent is just foolish. Maybe we can blame religion, maybe we can blame poor sex education in schools or by parents, maybe we can even blame Immigration Laws. Yes. Immigration laws. I had this argument 8 years ago, when Bush was running for office, with my Brother. The Press tried blamed this Teen Pregnancy problem in Texas on then Governor Bush. He can't control this. Here's the thing, many illegal teenaged women cross the US Border and the first thing they do is have a child. WHY? Because they stand a better chance of not being deported. It's sad but true.

 Religion comes into play because here in Texas most of the Hispanic People are Catholics. Birth Control is not permitted. In the Hispanic Culture when a woman becomes pregnant it is a Blessed Event, not a curse.

It has been Reported Palin also is the subject of an ethics investigation involving the firing of the state's public safety commissioner after he wouldn't dismiss her former brother-in-law, a state trooper.

Well as Governor she can fire ANY state Employee she want to. America doesn't know anything about her Brother-in Law. It will come out what kind of man he was and who would know better than his wife's sister. Maybe the Safety commissioner was a crook. We don't know what kind of man he was?  Let's face it she is not afraid to get rid of any Public Official, that isn't doing his job. In my Humble Opinion this is what is needed in Washington more than ever.

The Press has said Palin MAY have attended a political rally for the Alaskan Party that wants to Succeed from the United States. If she did attend this meeting or rally, wasn't that her right as an American? Freedom of Speech is one of the most important foundations this country holds true. In my humble Opinion, I may choose to attend a National Organization of Liberal Gay Women Rally. I MAY choose to hear their message, but it doesn't mean I have to agree with their message, nor is it going to make me a queer. Whatever reason she may have gone to listen to them, it is her right and nobody should fault her on this NON ISSUE!

The Media has said she is weak on Foreign Policy and that she recently just got her passport so she could go visit her Alaskan Troops stationed in Kuwait and Germany. In my humble opinion this is yet another NON ISSUE. So freak' in what if she hasn't traveled abroad. There are way too many cool places here in AMERICA that don't require a passport to visit. I don't have a passport, but I have been to Europe, Mexico and was born in Canada. I don't intend on visiting any foreign countries since they changed the laws requiring passports. I traveled to Norway using my Active Military ID. It got me where I was going to.

In my Humble Opinion She will be a very good representative of this great nation when she meets foreign leaders and diplomats. She is an unknown and noted to be a MAVERICK. Whatever that means, it seems to scare the Democrats and the rest of the world leaders. So be it. Dick Cheney scares the shit outta me. She can be McCain's Hit man, er um Person?

The say she is weak as a leader. She is and has been the LEADER of the largest State in the Union. It borders only Canada and is pretty freaking close to Mother Russia. People need to realize she is in charge of the Alaskan National Guard and their mission is to Protect Our Borders.

Well guess what, I'm sure they have had plans in place to defend against Russia since WWII. AND I'm confident they train against Russian Forces Invading this country.

Hell, when I was stationed In Homestead AFB is South Florida our main Mission was to protect American Soil against Cuba. We trained constantly against invading Cuban forces and even in retaliatory strikes into the Cuban borders. Air Strikes with the most deadliest ARMS we have in our arsenal. Can you say BOOM, and Cuba would be no more?

In my humble opinion she will be tough enough to defend this country and our people.

In the next few weeks we will hear all kinds of stuff from the LIBERAL NEWS MEDIA. We as Americans need to realize that the NEWS MEDIA can take the smallest non-story and make it into something the rest of the world will hear. The Media will twist and turn any story regardless of how we as people feel about it. That is what MAKES THEM MONEY. It's all about advertising dollars and what people will listen to and watch on TV or listen to on the Radio..

In my Humble Opinion, I think we as Americans are, and need to be, a little smarter than the Media gives us credit for. I'm not going to run down to McDonalds when I hear on the news that America has pissed off the Russians again. I encourage everyone to listen to the facts and form your own opinion of whom you choose to run this country for the next 4 years or longer.

Listen to her speech tonight and form your own opinion. It will be that opinion that will help YOU CHOOSE this November.

Sarah Palin is the future of this nation. Even if she doesn't get elected THIS TIME, she is not going to go away. She is young and in charge of the Largest State of the Nation. A State that will be in the limelight for years to come because this one important state alone, can help meet our energy needs in the future.

Whether it's more oil, or the natural gas pipeline she wants to be built, or wind energy, or geothermal, Alaska will be part of the solution. They could even put a Nuclear reactor or 2 out on the Aleutian Islands right in Mother Russia's back yard. That would work for me and Piss off the Russians even more.

VOTE FOR PALIN/McCain in 2008!

PEACE!

3:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Jethros Current Events 09/02/2008
Current mood: breezy
Category: News and Politics

In the World

Russian Supreme Leader Putin isn't holding back anything since the rest of the world seems to be against him over the Georgia Rescue, er um INVASION. He came right out last week and accused G.W. and Washington for coaxing Georgia to start the conflict last month to rid itself of the separatist Georgians that are loyal to Mother Russia. He said Washington was behind the entire war to try to change the tide of their upcoming election.  Now that's interesting because the Republicans had the most to gain over this to try to prove what I have been saying all along. Obammy is NOT experienced enough to be a world leader. Needless to say this became a non-story very fast. Hum it sounds like there may be more to come.

Two Sudanese Terrorists decide to take a 737 and it's passengers for a joy ride last week when they hi-jacked an Airliner. They finally landed and surrendered in Libya of all places. That wouldn't be my first choice of vacation spots to visit, but I guess it would be better than any place else in Darfur. I'm sure someone will grant them asylum and then execute them.

A little more about Putin and Georgia; It appears that he is not too happy having US warships in the Black Sea near Georgia. currently there are two U.S., one Polish, one Spanish and one German ship there. Putin Said Russia's reaction to NATO ships "will be calm, without any sort of hysteria. But of course, there will be an answer,"

When Asked by exactly what measures Russia would take, Putin was quoted as answering "You'll see."

Now that sounds like a bonafied threat against NATO. I consider Putin a smart man and one to be reckoned with. But with our ships this close and they have some of our most advanced rockets on board, I think he better bite his f'in tongue.

In the US

Last week on of the biggest waste of time occurred thus far this year; The Democratic National Convention in Denver. All the money that was spent could have gone someplace else. It just goes to show you what is important to them. Propping OBammy on the stage for all the world to witness his greatness must have helped his very large EGO!

Speaking of Conventions, the Republicans decide to use their convention suspension for some kind of humanitarian way of helping victims of hurricane Guztof. Now if that aint a crock of shit. The parties in Minnesota still went on last night and those people couldn't have cared less about New Orleans.

I Blogged about the Republican Vice Presidential Candidate last week when it was announce and I think Ms. Palin is the best choice for McStain to have any chance in winning. A Political outsider from Alaska will definitely shake things up in DC. She isn't too bad on the eyes neither.

Now Palin and her family will be butchered by the liberal news media for everything that they have ever done. The first thing to come out was she has a pregnant teenage Daughter. BIG FREAKIN DEAL!!! This has to be the most NON-NEWS worthy story of the year. SO WHAT.? Teen Pregnancy is a problem in this country and this just shows us that nobody is immune from it. Hell Brittany Spears little sister made it OK in the press. Besides it just put Palin up a notch on the BABE meter. She went from MILF to GILF status in my book.

In Texas

G.W. Came to San Antonio Yesterday for a little dog and pony show. He visited the hopeless refugees here in San Antonio that were fleeing their homeland. I think we had about 1200 people. The thing that pissed me off the most is that I had a steak set aside on the grill for ole George and he didn't even show up.

*go figure*

Labor day has come and gone with little fan fare. It is nice to have a day off to do nothing and that pretty much is what I did. Now that is what I call a small success. I watched some old war movies and drank beer.

That's How I see the world from Where I'm Sittin!

Peace

4:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Mr McCain and Ms. Palin
Current mood: blissful
Category: News and Politics

Now he went and did it!

He has chosen a woman..

And man is she ever Hot.

Even if she is the Governer of Alaska!

This will show Hillary..

Ya know, She kinda reminds me of?

I can't quite get it?

Nope that can't be?

MARISKA HARGITAY!!! *Hubba*Hubba*

Or even a little Like Tina Fey!

Who I wouldn't throw outta bed for eatin crackers!

Needless to say Ms. Palin may be just what Washington and the Republican Party needs to shake things up a bit and definately take on Obammy.

BRING IT ON! This is just starting to get good..

I wonder where she stands on the issues?

*Forget that she is HOT*

Someone get Hefner on the phone...

Peace!

3:26 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Weather WOODYs are ERECT!
Current mood: bouncy
Category: News and Politics

Yeap, All the weathermen across the United States have begun to feel the effects of Tropical Storm GUSTAV.

BOING!!!!

It is still a tropical storm and is bearing down on Jamaica, MON!. Those poor bastards will see a lot of rain an flooding today.

It just amazes me how scientists can track and predict where a Hurricane will go. It has gotten better since even Katrina hit New Orleans 3 years ago. I have been to Keesler AFB in Mississippi and seen the C-130 Hurricane hunters and they are impressive to say the least. Just a thin skinned fuselage and lots of weather gear. Those pilots fly in some of the worst conditions.

Along with the Weathermen getting a rise, so to speak, the price of Crude Oil is jumping as Gustav approaches the gulf or Mexico. And everyone will feel the effects if that continues.

AND we won't even get a courtesy reach around as we take it up the ass with higher fuel prices, just in time for the Holiday Weekend.

Peace!

9:32 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

RUSSIA - Awakening a GIANT
Current mood: angsty
Category: News and Politics

I have been following the latest Russian Conquest over in Georgia for several weeks now, while the rest of the world has had eyes on China for the Olympics and now Denver for the Democratic Convention. Both of which were and are a complete waste for time.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and side with Russia for a moment.

First you have a relatively new country Georgia that used to be part of a Greater FOE to the world: USSR. When the Soviet Union crumbled, ALL these little countries formed and looked to the west for aid. The US jumped all over Georgia and became a strong ally. Not because it liked the country, but because of where it was geographically on the map and what it could offer the rest of the world. Oil Pipelines that pass right though it, so Russian Crude can be loaded onto ships in one of the only warm water ports they could access.

Meanwhile Georgia still had many Hard-lined people that were and still are loyal to mother Russia. They live as separate states INSIDE Georgia and really don't care for the current leadership, that has been propped up by America and most of the west. Tensions have been great between the Georgian Government and these common people for years.

Well the leaders in Georgia decided to attack these separate states on the eve of the Olympics, just when the world was watching something else. Never thinking that Russia would do anything about it. BUT THEY WERE WRONG.

These common people in the separate states of South Ossetia and Abkhazia were attacked first by the Georgian Military and looked to Russia for help. Russia was awakened and moved in more military that was necessary, to show the world that they will not allow people of the world, that have allegiance to Russia, most of them even have Russian Citizenship and passports, be bullied by Georgia. The Russian Army moved in quickly and removed the Georgian Army from both States.

I don't agree with the extremes they took. There was reports of killings and rapes of women by Russian Forces that should have never happened. Russia needs to be held accountable for those crimes in world court. But when the west decided to PRESSURE Russia to back off, they did. But in that wake, it appears that those Two Independent States are now going to be under the Russian Rule. They may even choose to be self governing countries.

Why is this a problem with the rest of the world? Because Georgia is supposed to be a friend of NATO? So is Russia.

Let's Turn this around a bit. The US has many citizens abroad. Generations of Americans are living and thriving abroad. These Americans, born in foreign countries have deep roots in their host nations. What if some foreign host nation decide enough is enough and decided to attack those Americans and force them to be part of the host nation? Wouldn't the US military be quick to move in and protect their citizens? You betcha!

But now the US has chosen sides with Georgia, because of the Oil Pipelines, and gotten NATO and the UN behind them to pressure Russia to give everything, including it's own people, back to Georgian Rule. It's all about the OIL.

I don't see that happening.

Tensions continue to rise in the Area as the US Warships arrive with AID to the Georgians that have been evacuated from the regions now defended by Mother Russia. Russia has countered with Warships of it's own to protect the ports of those now independent states. The situation is very volatile and will remain so until the US backs out.

Yet the world watches in another direction, to Denver to see who will be in charge of the US after November. Will that new American leader know how to "BACK OFF" and let other regions of the world decide how they want to be governed?

Isn't that the true meaning of a "DEMOCRACY"?

If these two states do decide to become infant Countries, why can't the rest of the world sit back and let that happen? They may vote to become part of Russia or at least Russian Territories.

Is this conflict so great that both the US, Europe, and Russia could end up in another COLD WAR?

PEACE! Is the only answer.

7:39 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Texas TEachers Packing Heat
Current mood: focused
Category: News and Politics

I have been following all the Liberal Media Hype and bleeding heart liberals that are against the Small school in Northern Texas that has allowed school employees to carry guns to school.

I'm All for it!

Here is a blurb:

The Harrold school, left rear, is seen as a sign welcomes travelers to the tiny rural town along U.S. 287, Monday, Aug. 25, 2008, in Harrold, Texas. The Harrold school district passed a policy last fall allowing school employees --including teachers.

Let's face it, the only people that do not follow the rules in "GUN FREE ZONES" at schools, are criminals. We all remember this picture from Columbine High School.

Why not just open the doors and invite someone with a gun in? Most inner city schools accross the country have full time cops or security gaurds. Some even have metal detectors.

But with all the nut jobs out there that think they can go to a school and kill as many innocent children before killing themselves or getting killed, there needs to be some other deterrent.

Even Texas Governer Rick Perry is behind this schools choice and right to bear arms. I think as long as they are licensed to carry AND they recieve some sort of crisis training, then it should be allowed.

Police departments and academies accross the country should offer special corses to these brave school employees during the summer months. Then they should have to go back and retrain every couple of years to remain vigil and current.

I know I would feel safer about sending my kid to school every day. But that is just my opinion..

Peace! by force is necessary

9:22 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Jokes of My Week 08/25/2008
Current mood: peaceful
Category: Life

This has been a great week for jokes. I get them from all over the country and even a couple form Canada.

ENJOY!

From my Cousin in Canada

Amish Sex

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one 

cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

 The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your

body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed

up.

 The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend

who said,  "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied,

"Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

 The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy

with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

 The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth

of my body will  warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.

 The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the

daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy

with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever

heard of a penis?"

 Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why

do you ask?"

The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess

when they defrost, don't they?!.

From My Dad:

The Rocking chair

In the nursing home one evening, a little old man looked over 
and said to a little old lady, 'I know just what you're wanting.
 For $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that
 Rocking chair.'
 
The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.
 
The old man continued, 'For $10 I'll do it with you on that 
nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back 
to my room, light some candles, and give you the most 
romantic evening you've ever had in your life.'
 
The old lady still said nothing, but after a couple minutes, 
she started digging down in her purse. She pulled out a 
wrinkled $20 bill and held it up.
 
'So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,' said  The old man. 

'Get serious,' she replied. 'Four Times in the rocking chair.'

From Friends in Florida:

Golf & Panties 

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place Her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of Underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole
Demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake Of decency, here's a 50.  Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.  Her Skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' 

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20.  Go and buy yourself some underwear!' 

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over.  The wind also takes her
Skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where at friggin hell are yer
Drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money at be able at
Affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love
'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.

From my Cousin In Canada:

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his ass. 

If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?' 

I regret I cannot', lamented the first Arab. 'It is permanently stuck in my ass.' 

'I do not understand,' said the other. 

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Bloor Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, 'I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.' 

I said, 'No shit?' 

God Bless Canada!

From my Brother in Florida:

THE PLAN

A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men.

B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.

C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.

D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.

Damn - I love it when a plan comes together.

A couple from my Dad:

This is a real groaner, but cute. You'll need to read it out loud to get the Irish accent....

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
'Dactor, it's me ahrse.. I'd like ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible'he says, 'there is a $20 bill lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a $10 bill appears.
'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....
Finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '$1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

Senior Softball

Two 90-year-old women, Vivian and Edith, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Edith was dying, Vivian visited her every day. One day Vivian said, "Edith, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played it all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there."

Edith looked up at Vivian from her death bed, "Vivian, you've been m y best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Edith passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Vivian was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Vivian, Vivian."
"Who is it?" asked Vivian, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Vivian -- it's me, Edith."
"You're not Edith.  Edith died."
"I'm telling you, Vivian, it's me," insisted the voice.
"Edith! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Edith. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." 
"Tell me the good news first," said Vivian.
"The good news," Edith said, "is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.." 
"That's fantastic," said Vivian. "It's be yond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

One Last one from My Brother In Florida

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas , who has recently been diagnosed as a Carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth . One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two brothers: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

Peace!

7:57 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Jethros Current Events 08/25/2008
Current mood: blissful
Category: News and Politics

In the World Today

Russian Troops still linger inside Georgia. I think they may stay there indefinitely since there are Georgian Hard-Liners that still back the OLD Soviet Union. They are the minority over there but mother Russia will still defend their "wants" to be Russian. They even have Russian Passports.

China wound down the Olympics this past weekend. Thank goodness. I got tired of the coverage and even though we got more medals than any other country I feel that those Chinese Gymnasts cheated and could not have been 16 this year. But who is gonna care 2 weeks from now anyway.

Iraqi President al-Maliki is demanding a set time for ALL US troops to be out of his country by 2012. No support or logistics personnel will be allowed to remain on Iraqi Soil. Well what an ungrateful piece of crap. If it weren't for US he would still be living in exile over in Iran. I guess maybe he wants to become Iranian full time and both nations should join? I say pull out now and let's see how that bastard stays in power…

In Pakistan they still don't know who is running the place. I understand the US Military is taking advantage of the chaos and bombing the hell out of those Alqeda bastards along the border with Afghanistan. Let's hope the terrorist bastards don't get their hands on the Pakistani nukes and launch codes.

In the US