So yesterday I mentioned that Quinn called me out of the blue in the morning. I wrote him a short note last night telling him I appreciate his call and telling him he's wonderful and that his kindness is beautiful and he's inspiring.
He replied back this morning with a happy little note, too:
"I'm glad that it helped, I just felt like I should call yesterday. I don't always know the right things to say, but I want you to know you're very precious and a friend and it's important to me that you know you're loved. We all have bad times and I think we all need those reminders sometimes. Thanks for being my friend. Hope you have a fantastic day! :)"
I love the little things like this in life. His genuinity and simple words moved my heart and make me love others even more. Kindness is infectious and a beautiful thing. I think we should all go out and start a little Hug Campaign in our lives. :) Love and hugs and kindness mend so many things!
I seriously think I burned like 800 calories in belly dancing tonight! Holy crap, we shimmied every part of our body forEVER without stopping and it felt amazing! :) Between the out-of-control shimmies, moving parts of my body I didn't know I could move like that, the crescent shimmies, and the crazy walking hip drops...I was invigorated and felt amazing and felt a pound lighter. :)
Oh, and I bought another hip scarf so I have two I can alternate between. I originally wanted a solid striped one with less coins, but the store didn't have any but really petite ones. In the back of the studio Thia had a bunch of scarves hanging that she hadn't really put up for display yet. I saw this gorgeous striped dark gemtone scarf (navy, burgundy, hunter green, royal purple, gold) with deep bronze gold coins more intricately hung (and the coins are secured more tightly). And bonus, it was a long one for plump girls like me :) So I HAD to buy it. It's amazing and gorgeous. Hip scarves are like a walking alarm to let people know I'm coming, because my roommates totally knew when I was coming in the house as I was all jingly sounding. :)
Today was a decent day. Gloria is back from her Alaskan Cruise! She brought me some adorable Alaska socks and a DVD postcard of the Northern Lights since she knows I badly miss seeing them back home.
Also, today at an appointment I was told that the color I was wearing (deep red) looked pretty on me and that my makeup - especially my lipstick - was gorgeous. Funny thing was, is that I wasn't wearing any makeup! I rarely do! I told him I wasn't wearing any and he couldn't believe my lips are naturally so dark and "rich" in color. He also asked if I was wearing eye makeup and I said no as well...and he was amazed that my eyes are so defined and my lashes so long. He's not the first person to say something about my lips...I've had probably a dozen people I can think of ask me what lipstick I wear because it's gorgeous. I call it "Stephanie au natural". :) Besides, I don't own lipstick and have never purchased any (only gloss once in a blue moon). I just like it natural. Anyway, it was a nice comment. I felt slobby but he thought I was all dolled up. :)
This morning Quinn called me to tell me I'm wonderful and amazing and also that he's so glad he's my home teacher, and that he just wanted to call and tell me he was thinking about me in that moment this morning. How sweet. :) I'm blessed to have good friends!
Went to meet with the bishop per his request and my own gut feeling. He's new, and I've never got to really talk to him yet. The first thing he did was pray and then afterwards say, "You've been missed".
Long story short, I've let anxiety build within me and let the physical set backs in my life spill into spiritual, emotional, and social areas of my life. I haven't been going to church in my ward all the time, but I have carried the guilt about not going and I still do my daily personal prayers and such. We talked and it was all about my weight. He said that the woman I've been battling with this week no longer exists, and delete her completely. And then we moved on.
He wants to lose 30 pounds by November 16th or so, which is when he has a physical. He asked if I wanted to challenge him...so I accepted. It's nice to have someone encouraging and really making me feel good about trying to lose weight. Someone that believes I'm actually trying and doesn't call me lazy and a liar. He wants to meet with me every week and talk about it. He's super excited, and said he's been so excited to meet me and become my friend and do this with me. He shared Luke 2:52 and we based much of our conversation on that scripture.
At the end, he said they have a calling they want to extend to me, but now not this week. I'm glad, because I feel like I've failed my temple committee calling since I haven't felt emotionally right in going to the temple lately. I've went a few times with this calling, and granted a few of the times no baptisms were scheduled or I couldn't make it, but still. I'd like more time to magnify, you know? I have a feeling I'm going to get called to family history committee, since I leaked to my visiting teaching companion (who happens to chair it) that I love family history and have my traced back quite a bit.
I don't know why, but I feel fear and I feel frustrated and almost angry, though I don't carry any anger feelings. I mentioned to him that I feel healed in all things that need to heal, yet I feel like there are things left unhealed and I don't know what they are or how to approach them, or even how to ask for divine help with them. Talking about weight the whole time really made me feel edgy and upset, though I don't know why. I'm truly happy for it, but it's like I've got MPD or something and I'm partially upset. I think it's just evil things trying to interfere with my progress.
I don't know why I'm so weird and edgy. I think it's because I've done it before and I'm afraid of becoming obsessive, so I'm trying different ways to lose weight. I'm also afraid of wasting time doing something that's not helping me at all. I'm also afraid of other emotional issues I may come upon when I do lose weight, like "how come you didn't want to get to know me when I was heavier?". That sounds ridiculous. I'll stop rambling about it. I know what I mean. I know what to do. I've got the tools, but it's been so hard to put them in play because I really have no support system. And as weird as it sounds, it was so much easier to lose weight when I lived at home. But I've been trying recently, and it's been slow, but working slowly.
Having children, study abroad, comfy flying, career, dating, running...all are reasons I want to lose and have on my mind. Lately it's felt like there is a barrier that keeps me very blah about it all and insensitive to those things. I'm trying to knock down those walls so I can take care of myself again. I think I have location depression :) It's autumn and I'm seriously missing some trees and tons of colors in my life, along with cold, misty foggy mornings.
Anyway...enough rambling. Time to kick it up ten notches because I've got 30 pounds to lose by November 16th, and a bishop to whoop! :)
(P.S. if anyone else wants to join in, let me know...it doesn't have to be 30 pounds, just working toward a goal! He told me to tell anyone and everyone, and I think it's good to invite others. The more accountable, the better!)
Did I mention that on Sunday I went to the Monet to Picasso exhibit? Well, this is me mentioning it. It was the last day, and the only day I could go this last week.
While at work today I asked Quinn and Dane (my new home teachers) if they would come over and give me a blessing before I had an emotional break down. They came over around 6pm. They sat on my couch and listened to me as I softly disclosed my pains and fears and concerns. I was very afraid to talk because I always have this fear of burdening others. I think years of bad experiences have led me to feel this way. I was relieved when both Quinn and Dane had a very tender and caring look in their eyes, even when I started to choke up a little.
They both lay their hands on my head and Dane gave me a very sincere, thoughtful, beautiful blessing that was most definitely inspired and from the heart of Heavenly Father. It spoke of how much He loves me and how I've been blessed with a genuine loving and compassionate heart and how I will bless the lives of so many people and receive blessings in return. It also spoke of obedience and how Heavenly Father is pleased that I am now on the right path. During the blessing tears began to roll down my cheeks and I felt so peaceful and begged in silent prayer that the connection I felt to my Father would stay alive, and that He wouldn't stop talking to me that moment. It was interesting, because I think He felt my desperation, as Dane continued the blessing repeating simple truths about being a choice child of my Heavenly Father. The blessing ended with a reminder that He is always there and I can go to Him at any time. I also distinctly remember mention of the Savior and the Atonement.
After my blessing, I got amazing hugs from both of the guys, and asked if I needed a ride to Family Home Evening (FHE). I haven't been in probably over a year, but I took Quinn up on the offer. I stayed in my black pants I wear to belly dance, but Quinn said I looked nice. I met Angela in the car (she's getting thyroid tumor surgery tomorrow), and we all rode up together. At the Bishop's house we had hymn/primary song charades and roasting marshmallows and quick biscuits over the fire, and listened to Quinn tell his crazy jokes. :) I totally scored a point for our team on guessing "Have I Done Any Good?" in charades, and got hugs and praises for pulling us ahead and winning the game. Curtis (I think that's his name) performed a song for all of us about what to do when you're feeling in the dumps. The three major points were smile, give, and be thankful. He incorporated "Give Said the Little Stream" and "My Favorite Things" and we were all singing along and it was so great. Those things really did help me feel better! I feel like everyone knew I had a rough time lately, but no one did...the Spirit definitely had everyone in tune because I was receiving hugs and love and smiles and well wishes from everyone, even people I've never met and people I've met but never really talked to. I felt more accepted than I have yet, and I'm sure it will continue as I keep going to things. Even Bishop Hawker came over and lovingly shook my hand and spoke with me.
On the way home Angela, Quinn, and I were all talking about video games because an NES version of "Chocolate Rain" came on his stereo and I nearly died laughing (I watched that video yesterday). After we dropped off Angela, Quinn said some very sincere and beautiful things to me. I'm constantly battling evil thoughts in my head, as I was thinking, Oh, he's just pitying the fat girl..., but then I had to shake those thoughts and believe his genuine nature. When we headed toward my house, Quinn started by saying that Dane was right and that I have a beautiful, pure heart. He said it's a huge gift because it's so rare to find people with such a pure heart anymore, and that it's a huge blessing. He apologized for the hurt I've been through and said that he doesn't know my "friend", but that s/he probably has some very severe self-issues or hurt of his or her own in life, but that it's not fair to me anyway. Then he offered to talk or pick me up whenever I'd like. He's such a nice guy.
It really was a wonderful evening and I have been blessed with the strength to move on and hold my head high. It is so easy to just lash out and try to make everything right and keep commenting until I'm blue in the face (by the way, my comment - which was totally innocent in nature - was deleted), but all day I really felt something to tell me to hold my tongue and even my writing and venting for my own eyes only, because it would destroy me. I'm glad I held back, because the blessing I received was amazing and I really think if I would've festered over words about how I was feeling that I wouldn't have been as in touch as I was. I know the things that have been said about me are untrue and were probably said of out hurt and frustration. It's unhealthy for me to mill about it any longer and to hope that my "friend's" thoughts will change. I'm sorry she feels so much hostility and doesn't see that she is rebuking herself with her own words. I hope someday she will feel the peace and love that I have felt today.
Good night! (Speaking of which, the stars are shining tonight, and they're beautiful!...especially up at the Bishop's house on the mountain!)
In an effort to find some self-love, I decided to tie on my new hip scarf (first one ever!) and see what I look like in it so I took some pictures with my webcam. I may not be mind-blowing to the world's standards, but I feel extremely sexy when I have it on! The weight of it feels incredible and natural and the way it makes my body look while dancing is just beautiful.
I love the colors, though you can't see them too well. I love dark colors, and my room is decorated with deep, rich colors and lit with mellow lamp and candle light. I rarely ever turn on the overhead light, so the pictures are a bit dark. But it's me and my new spoil!
The picture took while I was practicing an undulation...oh well!
Trying to show the color of the scarf in the light...
My body has cuuuuuuuuuuuuurves!
...and I remembered I have an overhead light to turn on, so now you can see the colors!
Yup, I've got some major, major booty. :)
Along with the hip scarf, I found this awesome interview with Rachel Brice, who is one of the most amazing belly dancers...I love the burlesque/tribal fusion style she performs! Her interview is about the first belly dancer she really ever saw. The woman was a large woman, and Rachel talks about how beautiful it was to watch her dance. Her comments would make any bigger woman like me feel like the most beautiful creation. Click to watch the interview with her. Or watch it embeded below.
Yesterday at work all of a sudden I felt this energy rush through me that carried with it so much self love and happiness...I felt a happiness I haven't felt since my freshman year of college (which was the last year I really feel like I was my true self emotionally). All of these memories and happy moments started surging in every corner of my veins and pulling through my shell to penetrate my soul. I felt like I just met a long lost friend...myself. I started writing all these memories and loves and passions on sticky notes and nearly used the entire pad writing down all these topics I wanted to write about in my journal and reminisce about and relive my love for life. I felt alive and in love with my life once again.
I left work, and that feeling started to drain as I got in the car with a friend that was having a hard day. I shared in my friend's burdens, but was told I need to learn not to let those burdens affect me. My mood lifted when I decided to go to the Belly Boutique (belly dance store) and check out all the fun things. I just started these amazing intense belly dance lessons with a new teacher, Thia, who runs a studio strictly for belly dancing. She travels to the Middle East a lot and teaches all day long...she's very passionate and amazing in her teaching. It was great to look through the stuff and exciting to know that a year down the road I'll be making my own costume for performance! I'm so excited because today I went with my roommate Ali and after trying on many things, I purchased a beautiful hip scarf. It's deep purple with gorgeous gold coins on it. It makes shimmies look amazing! :)
Last night I happily fell asleep reading the book Notes From My Travels. Today I woke up calm and pleasant. I decided to set out to Michael's craft store to look for some canvas and anything I could use to do cheap project and make some art for my room. While there, I received a surprising text message from a friend that really hurt me deep. I have been very honest and loving with this friend, and have never intentionally done anything to hurt her or her feelings. I've always been there, been willing to help, listen, help get her mind off life, whatever. I never felt like I've harmed her or hurt her feelings. Her message was exactly the same thing a friend told me in college...basically that we shouldn't be friends because she didn't want to get fat, and because I am lazy and maybe we can be friends later in life, but not anytime soon. My immediate reaction is that I lose my appetite and I don't want to eat for weeks. I don't think sabotaging myself is the best way to cope with such a hurtful remark.
It really, really hurt me. Weight is a huge obsession in my life and I'm constantly working on it. What boggles me is that we hardly spend time together for her to know what my daily life is like. I live three blocks from the gym, so she can't possibly know when I'm there. I admit, I haven't been going as much because it's hard to do it all at once when you start losing weight and I've been focusing more on my eating. But...I do many other things. I take walks. At work, I go up and down the stairs to my floor. I have a pilates band that I use on my lunch break. I do night time yoga in my room. I stopped going out to eat so much, and when I do I take half home and I usually order something that's more healthy. I hardly eat junk food, and I nearly always buy organic foods. I just don't get it?
What hurt the most I think, is that I feel like I did something wrong. I've heard people in society say that fat people should be executed because they're worthless to society. I've had guys driving down the street make fun of me out their windows. I don't date because I'm not a skinny poofy haired girl. And I've been working so, so hard on my esteem and getting back to loving myself so I can be emotionally right and my loving, wonderful amazing self again around people (as living in Utah as given me social anxiety because I don't feel worthy to be people's friend due to my weight). I do constantly work, but it's a life struggle that I'm getting over. My goal is to lose 60 pounds by the start of the 2009. I've lost 12 or so already! I attach my weight and fatness to physical, sexual, and emotional abuse I endured when I was younger. Every time someone brings up my weight (yes, I know I'm fat, don't you think I beat myself up enough over it?), I attach it to every horrible memory I have. In the past when I've lost weight, I felt like I was being freed from my memories of sexual abuse. This happened I believe because I was teased for the abuse by kids in my grade and I started growing depressed and eating a lot because of them making fun of me and not playing with me...I was 8 years old when this started. Before then, I was thin, in ballet, and played outside all the time. It's not an excuse, but I do believe it played a big part. I never dealt with it until right before I moved to Utah, and I gained more weight because of it. Every pound holds a bad memory and a hurtful remark, and as I lose weight, I shed the bad memories of involuntary pain and of my own sins and discover myself.
I don't say this for a pity party or to make excuses for my life, but to really evaluate things. I don't feel I've done anything to purposefully wrong someone, and I feel that I am a very loyal and honest friend. I'm not perfect. I know that others have insecurities that they need to work on. I forgive unconditionally, even if I get walked on over and over by the same person (this has happened in my past). But I am tired of feeling like I have to apologize to society for being fat. I work hard to fix myself emotionally and physically. I do not deserve the treatment I am given by so many people lost in the ways and views of the world. I am hard enough on myself. There is so much more to me than my outer shell.
My only saving grace is knowing that my tears and cries out rise up to the heavens like incense used in prayer, and knowing that they are heard by a loving Creator...a Creator who gave me these trials for a purpose I will one day discover.
In the meantime, I will try not to stay knocked down. I would still like to write my Odes to life, listen to my favorite music, and love deeply. There are people out there that lovingly accept my compassion for them. I need to learn that I have done nothing wrong in being myself, and keep my confidence up and my love for the world strong.
If I have wronged any of you in the past, I am deeply remorseful. Please accept my apologies now. Thank you all for being yourselves, for being inspiring, and for being a beautiful imprint in my life.
Maybe my spine, ribcage, and shoulders should all be detached...
Undulations are HARD.
(At least they are when you are learning the correct way to do them, and when you over-exagerate to make sure that you move all your muscles correctly before you do them more quickly and smaller...)
Basic Egyptian (with ghawazee step), Egyptian two, mayas, u-step, isolations, figure eight hips, figure eight chest/ribs, hip drops, hip lifts, chest drops, chest lifts, snake arms, grapevines, wrist and hand movements, hip shimmies, chest shimmies, ribcage circles, ribcage slides, undulations and more undulations...
...all in three lessons thus far.
As I lose more weight, I imagine it will be a bit easier to see my body move even more, rather than working my tail off to see it move how it should! Talk about breaking a sweat!
Nativities, cookies and cream, frozen fingers and bell ringing, and pilot lights...
So, in keeping tabs on plane tickets to New Orleans for Mardis Gras (surprisingly, they've went down a bit, though are staying firm), I decided to just poke around at plane ticket prices home for Christmas.
After a little playing around with the dates to find the cheapest fare, and adding a small voucher I got for missing a flight last November due to a late connection, I found a fare for $325. That's unheard of for Salt Lake to my home, let alone Christmastime! CRAZY! (Granted, it's for flying into Detroit...but my parents will be down in that area that weekend so it works...and I get to fly out of my home airport).
So, I talked to my coworker to check if she had plans (she doesn't)...and she said I should stay longer than my original plans.
SO! I just purchased a ticket to go home December 17-December 28 for $325!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't been home or with my parents for Christmas since 2005!!!!!!!!
I really love Christmastime in Salt Lake, but I'll have a couple weeks before and a few days after my trip to have the crowded Temple Square experience. I don't want to have a Christmas like last year where I wasn't invited anywhere and be alone...and family is FAR too important to pass up this offer!!!! New Orleans airfare can wait...I'm so excited for home for Christmas!
Streams and streams of memories are pouring through my mind, and I'm sure journals will flow when I'm home.
I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself! :) Three cheers for me!
I started my belly dancing lessons tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so amazing and fun! My teacher is fantastic and adorable, too! Ali and I signed up for the lessons at the Latin Dance studio...down the road we're going to try other dances, too. I really want to keep going with the belly dancing, though! I've always been able to isolate my hips, but learning the upper half was a completely different story. :)It's a bit hard for me because my body is a bit bigger and so it looks different to me even though I do the same motions...like I have to push harder to see the results. BUT, the great thing is, I really DO feel great about myself after just one lesson, and I'm totally motivated to be great and wonderful every single day. :)
So hooray for doing something I've always read about, but never had the guts to try. I never thought I'd set foot in a dance studio...it was amazing. I realize that I CAN accomplish things, and I am the only one holding myself back. It doesn't matter if I'm a size 0 or 20...I'm just as beautiful and able to do things.
Now, I'll have the guts to also take Flamenco, join Wasatch Tango Club, learn Salsa, and enter a Latin Ballroom Dancing Competition someday!!!
amorous