In Memory
Current mood: sad
Category: Friends

I saw a falling star tonight
and your face came immediately into view,
It was like you were right here with me,
with your face casting it's beautiful hue.
Your face, Trudy, went through many changes,
As did your life...but yet you still stood strong.
The ones who didn't know you,
didn't know you truly at all, they are in the wrong.
Those of us who were your real true friends
always understood the beauty of your soul,
We knew you ran out of the strength to fight,
but the love of your boys was your only goal.
So yes, I saw a falling star tonight
blazing beautifully through the sky,
Leaving a fabulous trail that was saying,
"I'm in your hearts...I didn't totally die!"

~~Vickie McCluskey 1-17-07

Currently listening : Dark Side Of The Moon By Pink Floyd Release date: 25 October, 1990

4:48 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Chip of My Life
Current mood: good
Category: Writing and Poetry

Even though it's been years and years,
24 to be exact
At times I still find myself in wracking tears
Wishing but knowing I can't have you back.

I don't want to live my life eternally depressed,
But the doctor's tell me that I will;
I also don't want to be in a state of constant stress,
Because the tears and blame have been more than my fill!

People have actually told me that you are in hell,
But suicide is NOT the ultimate sin!
For Jesus died and took those nails
But your suicide left behind destructive pain for all your kin.

I think of you often actually getting out that gun,
Did you think of any of us at all?
Once you pulled the trigger you were all done.
When you fell to the floor that was your final fall.

Dammit mom, there WAS a better way!
But you decided to take the final step,
Your life was important, you had so much more to say!
But you took the final solution that the rest of us had to accept!

7:26 PM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

What Does Your Birthdate Mean? haha!
Current mood: cheerful
Category: Quiz/Survey

Your Birthdate: February 23

http://images.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/birthday.jpg" height="100" width="100"> You're not good at any one thing, and that's the problem. You're good at so much - you never know what to do. Change is in your blood, and you don't stick to much for long. You are destined for a life of travel and fun. Your strength: Your likeability Your weakness: You never feel satisfied Your power color: Bright yellow Your power symbol: Asterisk Your power month: May

9:03 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Give It Back
Current mood: bitchy
Category: Writing and Poetry

My heart is as heavy as a cement block
my soul has left me to join another flock
my time is running out---tick-tock, tick-tock
Will someone else step up and gently knock?

     Give me my heart and soul back!
     My body aches because of their lack.
     Give me my damn heart and soul back!
     It's time for you to cut me some slack!

How could I have seen you through rose-colored glasses?
My heart will never mend from these deep, jagged gashes.
Now you try to hurt me with your verbal lashes
But I'll burn in hell first and leave nothing but ashes!

     Give me my heart and soul back!
     For you won't make me crack...no way will I crack!
     Give me my damn heart and soul back,
     Take them out of your collection and off of your stack!

You said we'd be friends---well friends my ASS!
You'd rather stick my head in an oven and turn on the gas.
I can see it in your eyes each time you pass.
All the things you said to me faded from your memory fast!

     I just want my heart and soul back now.
     I'll get it back someday---somehow.
     By God I'll get it back and I will not bow!
     No way will I ever throw in the fucking towel!

Written on 1-4-06

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My Mind Won't Stop
Current mood: rejected
Category: Writing and Poetry

I close my eyes

but my mind won't stop

It races...speeds

with memories of you.

Blackness and sleep

are all that I desire

Yet your figure stands there

beckoning and calling

When I finally drift off

into the blankness

I wish that it was numbness

that I felt

But I know that very shortly

I will be jolted from my dozing

There you will be once again

Standing beside my bed

Or perhaps all curled up in me...

A silent tear will slide

from my eyes

Because I know that if I 

reach for you

You will vanish like the

vapory mist that you are. 

Writen on 11-07-05

Currently listening : Chapter V By Staind Release date: 09 August, 2005

4:55 PM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Darkness Falls
Current mood: lonely
Category: Writing and Poetry

Darkness falls

Currently listening : Love Hurts: The Rock Ballads By Nazareth Release date: 28 May, 2002

6:09 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

In My Dark Corner
Current mood: pessimistic

I stand in my dark corner
watching the world pass by
Some of them are laughing
but most of them cry.
I dare not venture out
for I don't want to be a part
It's safer in my corner
so I can protect my heart.
I watch people offer friendship
but they're really not your friend
For as soon as your back is turned
they plunge the knife right in.
I watch people offer true love
but true love is not what you get
For as soon as your back is turned
another person they have met.
I watch people promise "til death do us part"
but that's often not how it goes
For after years of togetherness
the couple often ends up as foes.
I've seen drug abuse, alcohol,
and sex that shouldn't have been seen
I've seen the young abused, the old abused,
and it's made my heart literally keen.
My mom shot herself
I held my dad's hand as he died
So I think I'll stay in my dark corner
and just watch the world pass on by.

Copyright 10-4-05
by
Vickie McCluskey

9:26 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Used and Abused
Current mood: crushed

Used and Abused

It hurts to feel as if you've been used,
It hurts even worse to be verbally abused.
We tried so hard to be good to you,
Your home away from away, we were always true.
Now our hearts are heavy from the pain of it all,
For we don't know if it was the "real" you coming to call.
All we know for sure is that you took our hearts,
Ripped them out of our chests and tore them apart.
You're not the person people think you to be,
And as more time passes they will eventually see.
For you cheat and you lie and I think it's in your blood,
You even cheated and lied to your one purest love.
So yes you left us all shaking and bleeding on the ground,
And if we remind you of this now,
a very blatant "Fuck You!" is your only resound.

Copyright 10-4-05 Vickie McCluskey

Currently listening : Nevermind By Nirvana Release date: 24 September, 1991

8:08 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Where Am I Heading?
Current mood: mellow

Happy on the outside

For all the world to see,

Frantic on the inside

Thinking I'll never be free.

I think of dying often

As more time goes by,

Then I look at my beautifil children

And all I can think is, "Why?"

I battle anxiety now

And will for the rest of my days,

Which battle is going to win

Will I lose it...or will I stay?

I've tried five different pills for depression

And one just for my nerves

Nothing is helping, it doesn't last long

I feel weaker and weaker...never strong.

Where am I heading, how will this end?

Will I turn into a statistic...or will my heart mend?

This emptiness inside is a big, gaping hole

I truly feel like I have nowhere to go.

It's spooky, it's scary

And it just leaves me shaking,

Yet day after day I find myself

Still waking.

Written and Copyrighted on 6-15-03 by Vickie McCluskey

9:00 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Almost
Current mood: gloomy

The pain

9:02 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Baggage
Current mood: depressed

Would you miss me

if I went away?

Just didn't wake up

to face another day?

Would you be strong enough

to carry on?

If I slipped away

and was eternally gone?

For an endless sleep

is what I desire

No more drama, fights,

or everlasting mire.

Total peace is all

that I crave

The only answer seems

to be an early grave.

If it wasn't for the baggage

that I would leave with you

I would take this path

and follow it through.

(C) 7-14-05 Vickie McCluskey

Currently listening : Dust in the Wind By Kansas Release date: 15 February, 2005

3:31 AM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Control
Current mood: hopeful

Control---control
Who's really in control?
Is it us ourselves?
Or the devil down below?
Is it the parent's we have?
Or could it be God up above?
Maybe it's the boyfriend that
thinks he owns instead of loves?
How do we get back the control that we've lost?
How do we stand up and say enough is enough?
No one wants to be a puppet.
No one wants to be controlled.
No one wants to feel so constantly wrong
Or so very weak when once they were strong.
All the friends have stopped calling now
They've all stopped coming over.
I've given them all up just trying to please
But the void in my heart just won't ease.
So control---control,
Who has the control?
It's certainly not me and I don't know
How much longer I can go.

(C)6-10-05 Vickie McCluskey

10:29 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Lost
Current mood: contemplative

I seem to be lost in this small corner of my universe
Does anyone care? Do they even notice?
I just wander around aimlessly
Lost in a daze
Letting one day lead into the next

Will my existence make a difference in my small corner?
Or will people continue to not see me?
To judge me simply because I don't live by their set of "rules"
Their ideas on how I should or shouldn't be?
Why can't the world just accept me as I am?

Because I'm not changing.
I am what I am.
I believe what I believe.
I'm true to my friends.
But most important of all...
I am true to me.

7:53 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Life Is Good
Current mood: grateful

Considering the alternative...life is good.
I wouldn't leave this world voluntarily.
Because then I would have to leave my kids.
I could never, ever leave my kids!
I've got to be here for their weddings.
I've got to be here for the grandkids they
are going to give me someday!
I've just got to be here for them!
They are my life.
And life is good!

8:31 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Totally Crazed
Current mood: nostalgic

Drawn into the abyss of extreme sadness

For I feel my life slipping away

Not ready to say goodbye to this person that I am

So I fight and struggle with this thing called time

My body grows older and that I can't change

But my spirit must stay...it simply cannot age

I get so damn angry when my mind won't work

And each day brings along a different pain

For inside I'm convinced that I'm still eighteen

I still know every word to Stairway To Heaven

And Dark Side Of The Moon totally transfixes my soul

So I'll just keep wandering through this endless maze

With my luck I'll find the exit after I'm totally crazed!

Â? 2005 Vickie McCluskey