AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Current mood: fermented

crazy connect-the-dots brain today. synapses zapping metaphors around the deep structures. my thoughts a fleet of small birds, blackspotting the sky. dewdrops clinging to a hundred tangled spiderwebs, occasionally coalescing to icily slip down my spinal cord. shiver.

look into my eyes. no, really look. can you know me? can you see the gold flecks shyly floating there? can you see the corona of amber acquiescing to the sea on a cloudy day? can you look through my pupils and tell that i'm not from here? not from anywhere?

wading up to my knees in a flooded street. dusty raisin sky and transparent rainbow.

starry streetlights in the reflection of a bare bulb on the edge of a waterglass.

heavy choking fear like swallowed cotton and humidity in a small dark room. fear of what? nothing. today. tomorrow. nothing.

crossing my eyes against fuzzy black shadows on the bathroom t-i-i-i-iles. i see myself in the mirror, and i look wide-eyed and surprised.

cats and chips and ellipses and blood and roses and hail and microchips and shooting stars and under the bed and jumping up and down.

21:55 - 1 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

i need 10 hours sleep

i have these moments where my mind feels like it's asleep, and it gives everything to my heart to take over. and i refuse to believe that this is my heart, this heart that gives life to everything around me and fills up so much with colour and sounds that it bursts inside of me, this little contraption that never stops living.

i keep thinking it's raining outside when it's not. the leaves outside my window rattle, sounding like the million patters of raindrops.

10:45 - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

we only met you, and we were the only family at your funeral

what changed your life?

23:53 - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

the art of zen, and dodging bullets
Current mood: buddha

for the past few weeks my greatest companion has been me, myself and my book on zen, which tells me i shouldn't really think of myself as a me, but rather as. i know, it's fucking hectic. but this little book despite all it's propaganda and subliminal messages telling me to sell everything i own and shave my head is really amazing, which made me cheat on it and get more books, and now i'm in love with the idea of this.

it's everything i've always thought and believed anyway, and it's extra nice, saying "don't just cheat with me, invite some friends over." or something along those lines, it just wants to prove it's better than them, the whore. yes, i know, talking to books isn't healthy.

i don't give testimonies but i'm enjoying it, a lot. and it's nice to know i've always been that way, even without the books, but now i can annoy my friends by saying things without saying anything at all. now if i could just get in tune with the force *tries to choke Nicky from across the country*

what suprises you?

02:06 - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

public outcry, hello people *waves*
Current mood: should be stoned

Good evening,

My name is Devan,

and i like to fuck up anything in the vicinity near me.

i have this uncontrollable urge to be insulted. criticised. disliked. challanged. heartbroken. mindfucked. hurt. destroyed. ripped up and left scattered. i want to be broken down, i want to be made vulnerable, i’m the child who stands on the edge of the pool for someone to push him in, waiting, begging, too afraid to do it himself but so brave to just stay there. i’m torn. i know everything. i know nothing. i hurt. i’m numb. i’m scarred. i’m perfect.

i’m not scared of dying. but then i’m scared of ghosts. a guy sticks a knife to my throat and i scream at him to do it. someone i love says goodbye, goodbye for good, and i know it’s coming, but i still cry to myself. one minute i hate you and the next minute we’re lovers. this is a fucked up palahniuk novel.

nobody gives me what i want emotionally. they’re all just shimmering thoughts. things amuse me until they open their mouthes. when you look at all the beauty in life you only see the fucking ugly. it’s when you give up, lying in your own blood running from your scabs and cuts and bruises that you notice the textures, the smell, the lights, the colours, every other sound besides your beating heart and ringing in your ears. but i don’t even know if that means anything, i’ve wasted all that thought to turn it into a shout. all that listening to walk away forgetting.

and, i smile. i wish i was beautiful.

no i don’t.

05:10 - 7 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Statistics
Current mood: sad

number of people i love or have loved: 26

number of hearts that i have hurt or broken: 24

watch out, you’re next ;(

06:54 - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

CAW! CAW!
Current mood: Batty

i find myself being too nice to strangers, like i’m robbing them of something in their life, so the first thing i got off my list is smiling. no more friendly smiles to you stranger, whoever you are. there just isn’t anythign to smile about, and i’m an extremely hard person to make smile.

second, people are broken, and as long as you can make the person you’re with think there is something wrong with them, you’re in control. why do people need this approval? why do they need compliments? why is being human used more as an excuse than it is as a metaphor?

thirdly, i’m stuck with this face, and this voice, and this body for a reason. now, i can decide how i’m going to use it. i’ve chosen to stop wondering how people see me. weird and cute are words that keep coming up in every description of me, so i’ll work with that. that’s how we roll in the Shire.

lastly, this planning for the future thing doesn’t work for me. so does this love thing. and this "Seem interested to amuse them" thing. which got me onto another idea, TATTOO ideas. my one friend and me spoke about this already, and i know what tatoo i’m going to get, i’m just figuring how to make it look good. give me the most beautiful lines of literature and lyrics and comedy you’ve ever heard.

06:06 - 4 Comments - 7 Kudos - Add Comment

Chapter 1
Current mood: happy

so thus ends another special chapter in my life and i am looking at things with new eyes. i wonder if someone is following me from behind and writing down all the things i do. i turn to her and tell her i'd like this chapter to be chapter one, and everything before was just practice, and she looks confused and crosses out all the chapters and write chapter 1 at the top of the page.

it's blank.

what shall i do today?

03:07 - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

meow! HEAD SHOT!

i've been accused of having a pearshaped head. now i don't take criticism too seriously, but i had to say this one stung a little, it is after all, my head. i took this insult personally, and have decided to choose a new shape for my head. i've had this mad scientist hair style long enough, what hairstyle should i have next?

next, for all of you who don't know, i am a large shirt size. i know my head may make you think otherwise, but i am pretty big, and i like shirts that flaunt my muscles, instead of looking like a naked skydiver caught in a circus tent. and Zerg should stop having weird fetish dreams about me. they don't freak me out just yet but they have the potential to really mortify me.

AND ... guess who has 2 DEFINITIVE EDITIONS DVDs of MIRROMASK .... well it's not me... but i have got 2 of Fight Club, and that is even better. and Stardust. so i can hop between Nihilism and Romanticism and lie awake at night rocking back and forth. thank you Nick! when i see you, we are goign to do all those things you promised me we were goign to do in the shower together *wink*

and i miss you guys. i seem braindamaged, but i am alright =)

06:46 - 3 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Call it fate

i am going to recreate myself.
i am going to recreate myself.
i am going to recreate myself.

anything i've said before has felt contrived, so this is my new mantra.
the ceiling fan murmers quietly, electrically. it's whispering quiet things to someone in another language. sleeping birds outside twitter to themselves beautifully. eyes bright, green with tea and twitch. i feel that slow hungry lovesick thing that grows in me oftener, now, than before. it's like knowing you're going to cry, or that exciting moment that you know is coming.
i realized something important. dealing with loneliness is not an issue of renouncing the idea of relationships, but instead of carrying on a relationship with yourself. nearly everything you would do to take care of someone else.

also, though, occasional tipsy making-out with people helps too. because you cannot make out with yourself terribly effectively.

if you've known me for awhile, you know that i used to want to explode, often. excitement, welling and pressing against my chest, like the smell and feel of a hug from your beloved. now, there's this longing, flowervines blooming through the cracks in the wall.

this is what i can do when i turn inwards, this is the smile i reserved for no one. but now it's mine, the grin in the dark where warm rain is falling. i've become misanthropic, but everything will be fine if everyone just stays lost and happy strangers.

tonight a raindrop fell on my lip. it tasted like laughing on a warm evening under cold, clean sheets.

i am going to recreate myself.

21:25 - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment