finding you a song

FINDING YOU A SONG

BY ME



I'm finding you a song

a song that will fit our lives

our lives now and what they'll be

they'll be right whenever they're together

our lives



I'm finding lyrics

lyrics to match what i feel

i feel i can love you forever

you forever happy with me

with me changing my ways

you'll be happy with me



But problems i run into

run into dead ends and no song

no song to sing for you

for you to see all that i am

i am trying for you, for us

for us i want to be better

be better at listening

listening to your advices

your advices proves right all the times

the times that you pick me up from the ground

the ground shakes when you're not with me

with me i will show you i can improve myself

improve myself to be happier

be happier and you'll be happier

be happier and the love will shine

will shine into our lives

our lives will be right together

right together are we

are we so ever so in love?

in love are we

are we in love?

in love are we



But I can't find a song

a song that will say all this

all this you need to know from me

from me you'll receive 10,000 tries

10,000 tries to make you laugh

you laugh so quietly

so quietly when we lie together

lie together and i will sing you a song

a song i knew all along

all along the lines of your chest

your chest my head rests on

rest on and i'll sing for you

for you i wrote this song

this song for you

for you i wrote this song

1:40 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

A Moment Forever
Current mood: lethargic

Let’s slow our world down,

Forget about time,

Drift like smoke in breezeless air.

Let our minds sink in euphoria,

Our skins warm one another,

Our eyes close against the soft sun.

Blue skies make the water blue,

We create the pace of the moment, the pace of time.

Let’s let the world tumble down and fall apart,

While we lose ourselves in the safety of our love.

Let’s let them speak and whisper of us

While we lay on the grass chasing clouds.

Let’s engulf ourselves in this pure warmth,

Take each other to no lows or highs,

Take each other to only a place you and I go.

Let the seconds stretch out across space and time,

The world come to a brake before it spins again,

This moment stay so still we could live in it forever.

4:29 PM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Counting Pebbles
Current mood: amused

Counting pebbles above my television screen
All in a semi-straight row and precise when we're keen
Black ones and white ones and red ones and ivory ones
Flat ones and round ones and squarish ones and irregular ones
Pebbles evenly sized for each giggle and for each tear
Pebbles lined up in my room - my emotions experienced here

Counting pebbles and collecting rain
Collecting happiness and counting pain
Measuring my life like sands through the hands of time
Pebbles like moonbeams slipping in and out of my mind
Happy am I when the pebbles run to the right
When they are on the left, you'll find me in the night
    without any light
    I'll have to fight
    what I know is not right
    that painful bite
    cannot hold tight
    I will get through the night

And when I do, the pebbles will frown upon my return
They'll be the ones to pay and that they've learned
But my smiling eyes can change the wind's way
"Because of my great test of faith," hear me say,
And my finger will push a pebble to happy road
Counting pebbles is my emotion-measuring code.

10:49 PM - 4 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

It Took A Splat

Once upon a few years back, I began to spread the pages of my life and its emotions for the world to read as it proceeded.

I've learned nothing from it.

As a matter of fact, it impaired me.  It slapped me with the bad habit of running away from the search of practical solutions to my problems.  It allowed me to wallow in the self-pity I couldn't stop hanging from.  It sucked me into the darker bottom of my hole where I thought I belonged, whether because misery has always been my loving company or because I didn't think I could possibly belong anywhere brighter.  I overly depended on blogging just as a patient would cling onto their psychologist, calling to them at inappropriate hours to talk about the only subject I know how to talk about: me.

Life beyond what the World Wide Web sees taught me better.

I did not hesitate when the opportunity arisen to move down south last year.  I knew my life was waiting for me here.  It did not take very long after to meet my prince charming, the man who saved my life - the man who saved me from me.  But it was more than just the man that I found.

Last holiday was the happiest of my life - the fullest.  I learned to love with all of my heart and I was given a full one in return - a pure and innocent love that had so much space to bloom.  We both closed our eyes and took the jump with so much trust and faith.

Misfortunes followed this summer. It is my own heartbreak to say I fell too weakly to ever be fully forgiven for.  This year has been one of the hardest of my life.  I tainted the truest love the heavens would ever know.  I had my dreams shattered and stepped on.  Too much health has been taken away from my family.  Too many goodbyes, some unwelcome hellos, and worse, a goodbye that was never heard.  I had no choice but to give up the one hope God blessed me with recently.  And then I paid for all of my sins one night when my fear came true and love was taken away from me.  This year, I finally got to the long-awaited "splat" of my big fall.

After hitting the bottom hard, I opened my eyes and regretted that I did not die from it.  But when the blurry vision finally came to, there he was, still beside me, holding his hand out to help me stand.

I have been selfish, readers, to think of myself and my own pain.  I look around and I see everyone with tears in their eyes because I couldn't get it together.  I guess I knew this so long ago, but my selfishness would not allow me to change.  This past year, I learned of real love and real heartbreak, and a lesson I thought I learned at 17 already comes back to me ever so tangible.

I only have one life and I only have one chance to do it right.  I have to find it inside of myself to grow up, to separate myself from the past, to recognize that misfortunes happen and that that's all it is.  It's not my fault, and I don't have to pay for it by putting myself into the black hole that someone else dug up so long ago.  I now refuse to indulge myself in the past looking for answers and explanations. 

So many lessons I've learned along this heart-wrenching ride, I will not post it up in this blog.  I only want to share the one important lesson I've learned, and that is to be strong, if not for yourself then for the ones you love.  It's the most important lesson I could learn for myself and I vow to myself, to my loved ones, and to God that from this day on, I will find strength in the necessity itself for our happiness.

I will not "forget the present is a gift."

10:21 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Post OLD Blog II

Another posting from last year that I find important today...>..>..>..>..>..>

December 8, 2007 - Friday Dear Superman, Current mood: crazy in love Dear Gary, You're sleeping now.  It's usually when I whisper to you those special words.  Tonight, I figured I'd do it another way. I run from reality.  It's what I'm used to - running.  I like fairies, I like stars, I like dancing, and music, and movies, all because they take me to a place that makes me forget my life - my torn past and my jumbled future.  But ever since I've met you, I've learned to love myself - I've learned to cherish my life.  I've learned that my past does not define who I am today, and that my future can be a part of who I really am inside.  I've dared to choose a path only a very brave person or a crazy nut would do.  I've dared to love as well. I had a list in my head of the things that you do that I love: the way you kiss me awake, or rush to kiss me when I stir in the morning; the way you stare at me with a straight face when I'm sleeping; the way you touch my face as if I was delicate porcelain, or the way you take my hand to touch you; the way you bite your lips when you want me; your constant attentiveness; the way you get into positions you don't like sleeping in just because you know I like it when you hold me that way; when you clench in anger at the slightest thought of someone hurting me; the way you can be mad at the world and still be sweet and gentle with me.  There are just so many things I appreciate about you; so many things that make you who you are that makes me melt over you all over again everyday.  But none of these even compare to what you have done to me emotionally and mentally. I want to be better for you because honestly, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Never would I have thought to have love the way that I do with you.  You've not only mended a long-time broken heart, but you gave me a new one, filled with life and joy.  You've done what no other person could have done for me, not even myself.  By just being you and allowing me to be myself, you've opened me up emotionally, mentally, and physically.  I wish there was a way I could scream to the world, to all of the friends I've ever known, to all of my family, that I am happier than ever, and happier than I will ever be.  I'm happy I've barged into your life and you've allowed me to.  With open arms, you've allowed me to get in your way and you've allowed me to love you.  You've allowed me to be the bum that I am when I'm at your place, knowing the work that I could get done if I just got out of bed and stepped away from the TV.  You give me everything I've ever wanted and things I couldn't even dream of asking for. These aren't just words, Babe.  It's my heart.  I'm pouring it out for you on this right now.  I know it's hard for you to trust again.  Hell, I don't know if you even feel these words the way you're supposed to.  But I do know that you're worth every pain I've ever gone through and every pain that awaits me.  There's nothing else that I want more in this world than to just be with you... just simply be with you. I can tell you I love you, but you've heard that many times before.  What I don't think you hear enough is how much I appreciate you. Thank you, Babe.  Thank you for what you mean to me in my life.  Thank you for the little things you do so often to show me you care.  Thank you for being so understanding and forgiving and for never being judgmental.  Thank you for holding on to me when I get scared and want to run away.  Thank you for every kiss, every meal, every time you stop doing what you are just to show me affection.  Thank you for letting me be who I am - by doing so, I've truly discovered myself.  Thank you for every single moment you have given to me, whether to be with me, to satisfy me, or to even think of me.  Thank you for who you are, and allowing me to know who that is.  Thank you for the enormous room you've made for me in your life. Priscilla 1:43 AM

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Babe, I wrote this even before I ever knew it was possible that you could love me.  I post it again for you to see to remind you of how crazy I was for you in the beginning of the relationship and I hope you can see that not much has changed since, except that maybe I love you so much more after all that we've been through.  I've never stopped appreciating you.  My appreciation for you has grown along with my love.  I need for you to know that.  You continue to be my world and with everyday, you're even a little something more.

12:50 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Post OLD blog...

A blog I wrote last year about my favorite month:

October 7, 2006 - Saturday ..>..>

My Favorite Month Current mood: anticipating what October has in store for me this Stiff boots, Itchy scarfs, Heavy coats, My curly hair down. Red noses, Thick breath, Numb fingers, Warm cocoa with marshmellows. Stinging air, Frosted windshields, Muddy soles, Orange leaves decorate streets. Muggy skies, Urging tears, Internal emptiness, Remembering all missed forgottens. Tranquility at Grey Cemetery.  Understanding Cherry Blossom's sorrow.  Needing one another's warmth.  Lightening skin rightfully white.  Preparing for new births.  Resting to helpful colorless.  Mornings to psychedelic songs.  Stopping New York's tracks.  Warm vanilla sugar scents.  Newscasters covered under umbrellas.  Switching skirts for slacks. "Look up, I see your eyes better in this light."  - The man you've waited for touches your cheeks. "Take my hand, I'd never let you fall."  - Your mother wipes away your lonely tears. "Sit, while I push."  - You swinging your sisters into arms of trust. Magic.

1:14 AM - 2 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

October

Besides being the month of Halloween and my birthday, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I bought a box of Yoplait yogurts from Costco for snacking.  After sticking it all into the fridge, I put a big envolope on the door labeled "Yoplait Caps (cleaned)".  For every cap I send to Save Lids To Save Lives®, 10 cents will be sent to Susan G. Komen For The Cure, an organization set out to raise awareness and funds to find the cure for breast cancer.

What will you do this month besides hand out candy?

4:40 PM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Our Love

I believe it is all we need to will us on and live our lives to the fullest.  Our love.

No one and nothing can touch us as long as we know we have it.  Our love.

I believe it is strong enough to keep us safe from harms others do onto us and from the harms we may do onto ourselves.  Our love.

Have faith in it and we can do anything with it.  Our love.

I don't mind living without, as long as I'm not without it.  Our love.

Be strong for me and I promise I'll be strong for our love.
Take care of yourself for me and I'll promise to take better care of myself for our love.

Thank you for sharing my pains so that I don't have to bear it all alone.
Thank you for understanding me even when I can't forgive myself.
Thank you for being my strength when I lose the will to go on.
Thank you for living so closely to me and watching that I do myself good.
I never feel alone when you're holding me.

Thank you for the greatest gift anyone could ever offer.  Our love.  OUR love.  Only ours.

I'm eternally yours.

3:36 PM - 0 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Machine Gun Kisses

machine gun kisses for you.
machine gun kisses on your tummy
machine gun kisses all over your face
machine gun kisses on your toes and up your calves and thighs.
machine gun kisses all over you for you.

let me unload my love onto you because i have too much of it for you to withstand all by myself
let me sit on your lap with my legs crossed to the side and let me grab you by the head with my two hands and three kisses on your nose, two on your lips, four on your checks, two more on your nose
machine gun kisses all over you for you.

9:42 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Haunting Ghost (I Turn)

haunting ghost of my past and my future
you keep me up till dawn
and when i do sleep you haunt me in my dreams

(i turn the songs off and can't help to recite it's lyrics
i turn the corner and can't help but to look back)

haunting ghost of my past and my future
i hear you in my songs
and when i'm in silence i feel against my ears you creep

(i turn in bed for you consume me
i turn colors with the leaves of October, but you don't go)

no hiding from you
no tense of present
a need for you to leave me be,
but can't help to want you here.

(i turn to you for all the pains and pleasure
i turn my pains to pleasures and back again because of you)

haunting ghost of my past and my future
who leads who and where to?
there's no getting away from you

(i turn the page, but the words are all the same
i turn in circles, but you're everywhere)

haunting ghost of my past and my future.

1:31 AM - 4 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment