The Sexy Superfan section of WWE Magazine makes me want to kill myself
Current mood: pessimistic
Category: Blogging

..> ..>

Seriously. I'm not even kidding. I'm well aware that section has gone on for a long time now, but I just now have realized just how furious it makes me. First, a backstory; the section I have mentioned is actually called Sexy Superfan of the Month or some gay shit like that, and they show a picture of a regular, everyday girl who just so happens to like wrestling. Then right next to it is a giant sized picture of that same girl, dressed like a whore. A sexy, sexy, whore. (PS, during the writing of this blog, I found myself making several spelling errors. This is how infuriated I am.) Now how the fuck is THAT fair? I'm stuck in hicksville, where if I even mention wrestling, I get a blank stare, either followed by something about how UFC kicks more ass, or how John Cena is hot (and I agree, the man is an adonis, but that's neither here nor there), while somewhere else, other than the place I inhabit, live really attractive women who like wrestling. How come they can't live in hicksville with me? Are they actually here and I'm just looking in the wrong place? Do I need to change my prescription? Are they one of the models that keep bugging me to add them on MySpace? Stop hiding, you hot wrestling fans! (Addendum; the preceding blog was a joke. Dave is not serious. He has never been serious. He would however, still enjoy the company of a sexy wrestling fan. If you are one, or if you know one, contact Dave immediately. Please, he's got a gun, I'm so scared, please hel

5:17 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Attn Hot Models: Please leave me alone
Current mood: apathetic

I'm serious. Please, I know you feel the need to spread you hotness, much in the way you spread them legs for the centerfold, but please, and I am saying please mind you, stop trying to add me. Its a clever ploy, and I see right through it. Trying to use my horniness to boost your friend count. Terrible, terrible people these hot models.

Of course, I can't really blame them. I'm sure they were starved for attention at a young age, which is why they wish to bare their bikini clad selves on a (perhaps) national scale. In fact, I even feel sorry for some of them. I think, just to appease them, I'll go a full day wearing only a bikini, to see just how it feels to be admired only for my hotness. Its only fair after all.

Of course, models trying to add me is the only contact I'm ever going to have with a woman anyway, so whatev.

Hey puppet pals, its me, that one called Dave even if I'm not really named Dave. I'm here to bring you a blog, one of humor, one of evoking of the emotions!
Actually I'm just going to sit here and pretend I'm funny. Play along at home if you so wish!

CHUCK TAYLOR ADDED ME TO HIS MYSPACE. I'M COOL ENOUGH FOR CHUCK TAYLOR. I just recently tried to add a few of the fine ladies of SHIMMER Women's Wrestling. I'm sure by somehow associating with me, their skill with falter, their hair will fall out, and in certain occasions, their breasts will sag. So I'm not really expecting them to add me.

This is where I'd talk about things in wresling I like or are bothering me, but to be frank, I haven't seen a whole lot of wrestling lately, not even my beloved CHIKARA. I'm looking to get back into that, so here's hoping a miracle and about two hundred big boys fall in my lap with which to buy DVD's with. Which.

I'm going to end my blog now. You can stop reading.

Currently listening : The Essential Alice in Chains By Alice in Chains Release date: 05 September, 2006

10:02 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

Invader Dave on Chris Benoit. Final Thoughts.
Current mood: numb

This is it. This is my final Benoit post. About Benoit the man. You'll find out later just what I mean. This is not just Invader Dave the comedic writer, but Brandon Kayala, the wrestling fan, the person, the human being, expressing his real and true thoughts. Proceed with caution, there's some naughty language in there...

Hoo boy. Hoo fuckin' boy.
Hoo boy is the catchphrase of Boris Badenov, a Russian man of short stature who's mission in life was to kill a retarded moose and an akward boy squirrel that could fly. A cartoon's catchphrase I don't think I've ever uttered as much until this point in time. Even back when I worshipped Bugs Bunny.

For those who don't know, which means they'll have been living under a rock of some sort, Chris Benoit died. He didn't just die, he killed himself. He took his own life. He was found, hanging in his basement by a cord from his workout machine. As if that weren't enough, he'd taken time out of his busy schedule of being the greatest living wrestler in the world, and killed his family. He strangled his son, tied up and strangled his wife, and then killed himself the next day.
Of course, no one really knew that at the time of WWE Raw this past Monday. No one knew just what the circumstances were. A tribute show was in order. Raw is Benoit. Benoit was a great wrestler. Benoit was a great man. Benoit was a family man.

Tuesday, Chris Benoit was a great wrestler...but he's now a bad man and a child murderer. My world was crumbling. Benoit was still great! Benoit should rot! Benoit was what he was! Benoit is a coward! These are all thoughts expressed by a multitude of fairly different people. All of them had their opinions. I have mine. I'll get to them in a sec, I'd just like to talk about how this has effected me, if I can.

I got home on Monday, after a particularly decent day of work. It was only a six hour day, so I couldn't complain too much. I wasn't tired for a change, and was looking forward to wondering if I should post my thoughts on girls or something. I click History, which is my preferred method of travelling the internet, and I see something strange. Someone had apparently accessed ChrisBenoit.com. First of all, I'm not entirely sure it even exists. Second, about a thousand thoughts wandered around my skull after seeing that. Had my younger brother discovered the joy of Benoit? Or had something happened to Benoit that would get him curious on the matter...
So I race off to the nearest wrestling link I can find. Actually, I went to the ProgressiveBoink forums, because that way I'd at least be able to cut around some of the fat and find out outright what had happened. And there it was. Chris Benoit and his family found dead. It underlined when I put my mouse over it. It turned grey when I clicked it. And for the first time in a while, I was utterly depressed.

Chris Benoit.

Dead.

Family.

Dead.

How did it happen? Why did it happen? I immediately expressed my thoughts on the matter without even navigating the thread. Something along the lines of how Benoit would be missed. Then I read some of the above comments, and found something rather unsettling. The news of Benoit possibly being a murderer was starting to come through. And I was confused.

I've never talked to as many people on AIM as I did Monday night. My non-wrestling friends consoled me. I'd lost a hero. We all had. Then a hero turned out to be a falor. Chris Benoit...killed his family. Strangled his son. Strangled his wife. Killed himself. Wrestler...murderer...wrestler...murderer...murderer...

I told my father about it. Dad wrestled in high school. He both hates and loves wrestling. I told him about it, and he took his hat off. He said it was a shame, since Benoit was so good. I told my manager about it. She'd heard about it. It was on the news. My customers knew about it. A customer's MOM was talking about it while waiting in line. EVERYONE knew about it. How is that possible?

Its possible because of how damn grisly and tragic it is. Benoit was a star for WWE, and as such, was a public face, to a certain degree. His life was being spent on camera. People, if only a select few of them, knew who he was. If they paid close attention, they also knew what he was before what he was at the time. Now non-wrestling fans are hearing about it. They'll never understand what he was. Just what he turned out to be in the end.

Which brings me to my point. What am I supposed to believe now? Do I damn Benoit's eternal soul to a fiery hell? Do I commend his skill for long past his mortal life? What to do? What do I do? What should I do?

Chris Benoit the man killed his family. Chris Benoit the wrestler suplexed Sabu and broke his neck. Chris Benoit the man murdered his own seven year old son. Chris Benoit the wrestler made Triple H tap out at Wrestlemania XX. Chris Benoit the wrestler, and the man, are two different people. Chris Benoit as an image on the screen is much different than the one behind the curtain.
Bing Crosby beat his kids. Judy Garland was a pill popper. Bill Clinton got his dick sucked while in office. Know what else they did? One sang his heart out, one starred in the greatest children's movie ever, and the last one brought economic growth to the nineties. They did terrible things. They did good things. What outweighs the other more? Does the bad outweigh the good? Does the good outweigh the bad?

I think the good should always outweigh the bad, in certain circumstances. Chris Benoit brought me joy when I watched him wrestle. Would I find joy in him standing backstage drinking a cup of coffee? No. Because they're not the same person. One just represented the other is all. I'll always celebrate Chris Benoit the wrestler, because he wrestled his heart out. But I'll always condemn the person for what he did. Always.

And that's going to be my cross to bear from now on. I'm not going to talk about Chris Benoit the person ever again. But god dammit, I'll love Chris Benoit the wrestler like I want to. And baby, I want to.

2:44 PM - 3 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

I know a lot of hot people, but they don't want to know me. A blog.

Or at least I assume they don't. They probably don't, they're more than likely busy bein' hot, why would I want to be throwing all sorts of monkey wrenches in the hotness machine? Who am I to cause a drop in hotness levels? No one, that's who.

Heyyy, welcome to my latest blog, s'been a while, right? How've you all been? Been eating your vegetables? You have?

YOU FUCKING LIARS.

Well, I'm sure most of you know that I've joined the working realm of things n' shit. I'm a cashier, which means I could basically just walk off with my till one day and never look back. It'd be really great, but I probably won't do it. I should though. Smarmy ass managers...

Oh, speaking of, I accidentally got paid more than the supervisors this week! I worked a day when I wasn't supposed to, so my managers grudgingly paid me overtime, with the warning to never do it again, or I won't be paid for the day. I say.....okay. Cuz as it is, I try to do as much work but at the same time, as little as possible. I don't need to be doing work for no pay. I'm not Chris Gardner! This ain't Pursuit of Happyness, mother fucker!

Anyhoo, the job isn't a bad little slice o' pie, it gets me paid, and bitch, I got a car to pay off.

Pornotube would be my best friend if it would stop fucking up whenever I'm trying to...nevermind.

Oh, I mentioned that I have my own car now. Well I do, I'm just paying it off 200 out of every pay check. Its an old ass car, but it runs, so...yea. I'm gonna go crusin' for chicks some day. And you're coming man. You're gonna be the tail magnet, and I'll go in for the kill.

I'm reading a lot of Detective Conan (or Case Closed) lately. I dunno, its just good. 'N stuff. I've lost a lot of you with this paragraph, didn't I? I'll bring ya back, don't worry...

HOOTAZ.

Okay, now for the wrestling bit.

- Punk was pushed, then buried, then pushed. Then buried again, then pushed again, then pushed before he was buried into a push. I'm so confused. The guy is the future of mainstream wrestling, and nobody has any idea what's to be done with him. Its...its really crazy, y'know?

- Rob Van Dam and Sabu are released. WWECW - we're about as ECW as WCW was.

- TNA is not very good anymore. I checked, they're not.

- I will def be getting Supercard of Honor II

- CHIKARA is great.

Uh...guess that's it, g'bye!

8:43 AM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

Powerblog through the table! BAH GAWD! Hoss! Hoss! ....Puppies?
Current mood: bored

It feels like I've died and made a blog! And then came back and wrote a blog again! Or maybe it isn't, and this is all in our heads, so *aneurysm, dead*

So, whats up you jerks, do you even remember me? Do you? Of course you don't, you never even knew me when you knew me. But for those who do and did, welcome me back. Shower me with soda. Jolt Cola, preferably. Oh, and praise. That too.

While I was gone, my ass expanded, as well as my tummy. I'm not twice as big yet, but I am pretty fat still. Despite that whole gym thing I'm trying to pull off. By only going like three times a week. I'm gonna die tomorrow! Of heart explosion, and a bullet to my head. Splee!

I've failed to be able to get a job for about six months. Now, as a job interview with McDonalds looms ever closer, the streak may be over. Of course, this means I'll be working at FUCKING MCDONALDS, but hey...practically everyone works there at some point, so I guess its time I did my time. Time.

I'm getting progressively more and more lonely. I'm serious. I'm hurting on the inside, and I'm almost sure its not just the heaps of cholesterol on my arteries. I can't stop day dreaming about chicks all the time. I'm constantly fantasising about all the asses I'd like to tap...actually, I'm quite certain that's a very normal thing for guys to do, even if they have someone, but still...doing it a lot.
And I know I've already done the emo blog, and I KNOW that I'm not supposed to be desperate, but the honest to God truth is...I'm desperate. I'd very much like to thank my friends who gave me advice and were kind enough to tell me that all I need to do is try n' stuff, but the thing is, its very hard not to be desperate when you've never had anyone to love. Ever.
I'm not going to keep going on this, because I've already been there, and you all know my thoughts.

Well, that covers my miserable life...how about now we do wrestling junk?
It's been a long time, friends. That leaves me a LOT of stuff to do...

- Homicide wins ROH World Title, keeps it for two months because there was like one show, loses it to Morishima. That's fucking hilarious. I love Homicide, I honestly do, but this is probably going to be pretty big business for ROH, and opens up all sorts of shit between NOAH and ROH. My point is, this is going to be pretty killer.

- Speak of Homicide, LAX has been on a downslide, hasn't it? Kudos for hanging onto the titles for so long, and I'm definitely not going to say that its they're fault. They've basically got no real competition. Except for Team 3D. Nice brawlers that they are, they're not really going to spark any real interest for me.

- I still can't believe Londrick have the titles. I'm glad they do, really, but there comes a point where they'll have defended them against everyone there is to defend against, and it all just becomes so very stale. And its happening now. They've wrestled the same match for a while now (London takes a beating, Kendrick takes the tag, cleans house) and while thats dependable n' all, its all...so...monotonous. The only thing left to do is to have the boys feud against eachother. Couldn't hurt. They'd have some pretty killer matches.

- SPEAKING of Londrick, Smackdown's sure taking a turn for the lame, hasn't it? It used to be the only televised wrestling show to watch, and now...it isn't. The show. To watch. *sigh*

- TNA is terrible, and I haven't watched in months.

- CHIKARA's King of Trios was probably excellent. I will have the DVD's, oh yes. I will have them...

- SPEAKING of CHIKARA, Gran Akuma, Hallowicked, and my boy Jigsaw are to show up in ROH in April. ...I think I'll just sneak into that show, if possible.

- CM Punk gets de-pushed, then pushed again, all in a two month period. Crazy! Its all crazy! From losing to Matt Strike to going to Money in the Bank...its all so good. For Punk and Punk fans.

And that was my blog. I'm stickin' to it.

Currently watching : The Protector (Two-Disc Collector's Edition) Release date: 16 January, 2007

8:22 AM - 5 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

In this blog, there's a nude scene.

Gotcha, fuckers, now you're in for the long haul.

It was a pretty hot scene, too...

Anyway, it's time for my ass to get back on the computer and drive you away with my bitterness. First order of business, a job, and how I don't have one.

I don't have a job, and it sucks ass. I'm getting a license soon, so I'll be travelling to other towns to sell my trade, for what it might be worth. If all else fails, I can travel the world, fighting crime. Of course, I wouldn't get any money. But I might be getting chicks. Of course, being the hero, they'd end up dying in my arms, and I'll end up shutting myself in emotionally, until the next dead bitch reaches out to me.

...What the fuck was I talking about?

Dave broke and got AIM, and then MSN. So if you want to talk to me, I'm InvaderAries (after you know who) on AIM, and invader_dave@hotmail.com for MSN. Come to me. Confide into me all of your pathetic secrets YOU DISGUST ME....

I changed all of my videos this week, for once. If you go look at them, you will receive candy and soda. FREE candy and soda...only 99 cents. Per piece. Plus tax.

LARIATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

LIGAH BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMB!

EXPLODAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

BUHNINGU HAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

You know, I'm beginning to think that I just end up being funny online because people don't really know how awkward I am in real life, and it just translates into LOL Dave is weird! Or maybe I'm just funny because I'm awkward...I don't know who I am anymore...

Somebody end the pain! End the suffering! Somebody, GIMME A TACO!

I had tacos tonight...still the best non-lucha libre Mexican import ever. I mean it. So very tasty...so very...taco...I think that's why the singer called himself taco...he wanted people to think he was tasty...but he wasn't tasty. He was just hamburger with no spice. And also, he sang "Putting on the Ritz".

Well, I'm talking about what I had for supper, which means I've run out of other things to rant about, which also means it's time for WRESTLING!

- CM Punk is the first eliminated! I've got an idea, lets fuck up the guy with the most momentum going into the chamber...it's not like he's easily one of the top talents in the world or anything, not like he's got more potential that Bobby Lashley has on his best day, not like...*sigh* Know what, fuck it, I don't even watch ECW anymore, the fuck should I care?

- Heyman was SO pissed off that he actually left McMahon land. Some people say its a work, but oh my god, please let it be true. I've seen his creativity be wasted on McMahon's ridiculous senility for too long. Have fun revolutionizing another fed, Paul, you've earned it.

- Londrick are...I dunno, what the hell are Londrick doing these days? It better be important, bah gawd.

- Super Crazy jobs to Shelty in like a minute...what the fuck is that shit? I like Shelton and all, but Super Crazy is nine different kinds of awesome...there's no way he should job in a minute...make it like fifteen to twenty minutes...add some chairs...a balcony...and an insane kicking Japanese guy...that's what I call a li'l slice of heaven.

- Russo is making TNA terrible. I don't care, he's completely fucking it up. Yeah, hooray for giving AJ and Sabin characters, but when Dusty books the cruiserweights better than you do, it's time to pack up the shop.

- There's talk about Heyman going to TNA. It's easily the best thing that could happen to them at this point, save for a mass exodus of WWE's best talent over to TNA's side. But since that's not happening any time soon, as Vince can still throw out the money, we can at least hope for Heyman.

- CHIKARA is still the best thing in wrestling today, and I don't think I have to tell you why.

- Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention how great ROH has been to me....and they brought back Kikutaro, and that's just fantastic.

I guess that's it from me, make sure you come back for my next one. Stay pink, soft, and oily, folks.

6:09 PM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Dave tries to rebound from his emo blog

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to apologize for letting loose my personal feelings about my ineptitude when it comes to the opposite sex earlier this week. This blog promises to bitch about other things, not just women troubles.

I still want a girlfriend in the worst way, though.

After two months of joblessness, I've decided to throw in the towel on a job search, and let the money come to ME, as I've decided to take a work at home job. All I need to do is order some stuff, and I begin a menial job like assembling CD cases, or some such junk. Not exactly thrilling, but hey, how hard can it be? Not only that, more computer time for Davey Boy, and you know I can't live without bothering you guys with my mindless antics.

I've decided to go back in time and marry whomever invented pizza. And if it was a guy, I'd kill him and marry his wife.

I'm on a surprising manga and anime kick, lately. I guess my emo blog opened up my receptors for whiny storylines, and hot chicks that aren't real, but I still fawn over them because I'm a sick, sad little man.

Not only that, I've decided to try my hand at drawing again. I've actually had a deviant-art profile for about three months now, I've just never had much use for it until I got a scanner, and put up my sketches of AJ Styles and Austin Aries. The only problem is, some other asshole took the name of Invader Dave, so I had to pick INVASION Dave, which is nowhere near as cool, and the Invader Zim reference is completely lost. I hate everything.

Also, DevArt is good for looking up all the drawings of hot anime chicks that I want. So that's good. If you're a sick, sad little man.

Another Halloween has come and pass. And yet again, nothing happened. I should become a Ghostbuster. Then I'd have something to do on Halloween. And I'd also have a neat theme song.

Does anyone like the song I put up for the blog? One two three FOUR FIVE six seven eight NINE TEN, eleven TWELVE.

Batdance, fuckers. Find your copy of the Batman soundtrack and listen to Batdance sometime. It's as awesome as you remember it to be. And Prince is a bad motherfucker.

I completely look forward to Totally Awesome tomorrow. Hopefully it turns out better than VH-1's other original movies, like that PMRC comedy that wasn't very comedic. Jason Priestly was in it. That should clue you in as to how funny it was.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am legally obligated to present you with the following wrestling news section, having abstained from giving you one with my last blog. I hope you understand.

- FIND LONDRICK ANOTHER F***ING TEAM. Please, dear God, if you have to revive the frigging Beverly Brothers, do it. I am sick of Idol and James losing to Londrick all the time, and it's not because I like Idol and James, believe you me. I mean, it's not like I can blame Dave Taylor for getting injured, but dude, couldn't you have waited a while?

- Claudio...offered a WWE contract...world...spinning around me...okay, I know I should be happy for my favorite snobby Swiss Aristocrat, but if Vince McMahon dicks with Claudio's style or personality in any way, I will personally rip his lungs out. All I'm saying.

- Hey, my prediction was right, AJ Styles beat Chris Sabin for the X-Division Title! Wow, isn't that crazy?

- They want you to vote for Carlito to face Jeff Hardy. Did'ja know that?

- You know, there's nothing really Cyber about this Sunday. You just go and vote on the internet. That doesn't really dictate that the WWE will become robotic this Sunday. But then again, Tuesday wasn't all that Taboo, was it?

- Out of my Raw apathy, I've still yet to watch a Cryme Tyme match. Way to fucking go, Raw.

- Chavo Guerrero cannot spell Quit. This is not as funny as it sounds. It is still, however, rather funny. See how that works?

- If Booker doesn't win this Sunday, I'll be somewhat upset. Moreso than I would be if Cena or Show didn't win.

- RVD is more than likely the next ECW Champion. He will be busted later that night for possession of heroin. He will be stripped of the title the next Tuesday, and the title will be awarded to Kelly Kelly.

- Matt Sydal vs. KENTA tomorrow. My fucking brain exploded.

That's all for now, folks, see ya' next blog!

7:42 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I am falling apart at the seams.

Or I am nearing that point. It's time to use MySpace blogs as what they're apparently, according to cynics, are used for: Emo ramblings. I don't give a shit if I sound emo, if I don't say something, I am just going to snap. I am going to rise up, raise the black flag, and slit the throat of oppressors...actually, I was planning on doing that even if I didn't post this...the point could also be argued that I don't really need to post this, I can just type it, having expressed my feelings, and then let it go, but I might end up saying a few funny things, and damned if I'm not an attention whore.

Since the sixth grade, and that's seven years ago, for those keeping score, I have wanted a girlfriend. It wasn't tops on my priority list, but it was there. And as the years progressed, it got higher and higher and higher. By highschool, I would have killed for a lady friend. And it never really happened. I don't know if I sent out the wrong signals, maybe people thought I was retarded, or gay, but no one was really into me. I've been called cute a few times, which melted me like butter, but when I came back to my stick like state, the girl who called me cute wasn't really there to keep it going, for she was instead interested in the margarine...get it? Margarine? Less fattening? I'm the butter, and...yeah...fuck you too, pal, I'm not here to entertain you!

And it's not like I had high tastes. Nope. Never. If a girl could at all be considered cute, or even just attractive, I would have glady had you. I don't know HOW I would have had you, I just would have. Was I jealous of the guys that DID get the girls? A little bit. And by a little bit, I mean I was screaming "HOW DO YOU DO IT" inside my mind. What did they have that I didn't? Except a job, a car, money, and they were athletic, and on sports teams, and they didn't smell funny, and they didn't carry themselves like they were the next guy to shoot up the high school? The ability to make people laugh?

No, they had that. You know the kind, right? "You're QUEER!" HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I mean, it's not like I was any better, as the time I got a sense of humor, the eighth grade, consisted of yelling and acting crazy. As time moved on, Monty Python and absurdist humor ruled my life, pretty much ensuring that no one would ever get a single joke I ever told. I mean, yeah, people like me would get it, but there weren't very many, and most of them were guys, so it doesn't work out.

Girls saying they want a guy with a sense of humor is a fickle thing. They do want a sense of humor...they just never specify what kind of humor they want. Nor do they specify that they'd like OTHER qualities to accompany the sense of humor, like being good looking, thin, well built, and having money. None of these are qualities I have, so I'm pretty fucked.

And whose fault is it? Is it the girls's fault? No, they never did anything wrong, except have boobs, and that's never going to be a crime in this country. Never.

Is it the guys who get the tail all the time? No, they worked hard to get where they are, and get that ass. They have qualities that women want, and should be commended.

Of course, that only leaves one person to be at fault. One person, and one person only...Hitler.

Actually it's my fault. I've made no concious effort to really get a girlfriend, preferring to try and let girls come onto ME, which AH HA HA HA HA HA, wasn't going down. No matter how much we wish it, girls don't really want the poor soul who need a self esteem boost, which I should have figured out a LOOOOOONG time ago. I'm in poor health, never very clean, don't have a job, and fat as a sea cow, all of which are my fault. I have a bad attitude, cuss a lot, am high on violence, and I'm kinda rude and abrasive. Those things, I'm not apologizing for, but they are still my fault. I constantly shut myself inside my house, never socialize, and am always on the computer or watching tv, all of which are my fault.

It's all been my fault. It's always been my fault. Certain things I can fix, and it's never too late to find somebody to...ick...LOVE, but due to my self imposed lonliness, I've missed out on a lot of memories I can't get back, and that's going to haunt me for a long time.

And so, ladies of MySpace, if you do in fact read my blogs, if you're interested, pick up the phone. Or show me your boobs, that works too.

12:13 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

Oh God, he's gonna BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!

I want you all to know...I wish some of you were dead. Not all of you...but a few...quite a few....okay, all of you.

Heyyyy, it's Invader Dave's return blog, and on Halloween no less!
Or at least with a half hour left of Halloween anyway. All I got to do was wait for kids that didn't come to gobble the shitty candy we bought for them. After waiting, and having nobody come, I ate the candy. Not all of it, just some.

SPEAKING of Halloween, be sure to check all of my halloween themed videos, except for the Londrick match, because I cannot make that fucking thing go away, oh, and of course Claudio, whom I move for nobody. Nuh uh, Claudio doesn't leave my fuckin' page. I put up Braindead clips. You should be jogging there right now.
Oh, and if you had any taste, you'd go read the Halloween edition of Ghetto P.I. which is on one of my earlier blogs. Don't expect me to find it for you. You've gotta work for that gem, cracka.

My parents went on a two week vacation last week, and as far as I'm concerned, so did I.

I think I'm looking up too much porn. I'm becoming bored with it, and I feel like I'm going to explode...down there. That can't be a good sign.

If I had a nickel for every job that hasn't called me back yet...I'd have about $1.05.

Well, that's the lame ass happenings of my life, here's the wrestling shit.

- Seriously, I skipped TNA this week. I don't know if I meant to, but I did. Both airings, too. Sorry, but horror on halloween comes first, or at least before watching the same crap I saw at the beginning of summer.

- Kurt Angle has Red Rider music as his theme. God bless Kurt Angle.

- AJ Styles may or may not be winning the X-Title this Thursday. It'd be a shot in the arm if he did, though. Of the X-Division anyway.

- London said something vaguely gay, and certain people have been freaking out. LOL HE'S GONNA BE GAY. I vouch that he will in fact, NOT be gay, but if he did, he at least has to say, "dude, I don't want to sound queer or nothing, but I think unicorns are pretty kick ass!"

- CM Punk continues to be CM Punk. And nothing else.

- COLT CABANA LOST A FUCKING TOE! A TOE! He is missing an appendage. A fairly unimportant one, but it was there, but NOW IT'S NOT! IS THIS FUCKING REGESTERING WITH YOU?

- Cyber Sunday is this Sunday. Where power is given to the fans! But only if you pick the shit we want you to pick!

- Vickie Guerrero conspired to kill her husband, folks. Or else that's what we're supposed to think. Maybe. I dunno. Maybe Eddie will rise from his grave to bite on whoever the fuck wrote this shit.

- Jigsaw is out with an injury...fuck...fuck...fucking...FUCK.

- This just in: Bryan Danielson will never lose the title. Ever. People's responses: They're fine with that news.

I guess that's it. See ya', fuckers! Die in a fire!

9:31 PM - 1 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

I am a bitter, depressed fuck. And now, a blog! (Results of Ask Dave included)
Current mood: cold

Ah, don't worry folks, I'm not going to go on a bitter rant about how I hate some shit, I just wanted a nice, pleasant blog title!

I am going to hold a small child hostage if I do not get a job soon. I'd just like to say to Wal-Mart, thanks for making it tougher to get a job, shitheads. Now send me my final pay-check.

I'm a horrible writer. I haven't written anything remotely creative or awe-inspiring in nearly a year, which sucks ass. Why couldn't I have gone to war? Maybe I'd romanticize about it, like Hemmingway did. Not only that, he offed himself, and according to certain reports, that's how I'm going to go as well.

I've decided that it is TOO FUCKING COLD in Wisconsin. If I didn't like the fact that milk is awesome, and there's cheese, I might think about moving. But then, everywhere else sucks, so I'd be pretty boned. I guess I'll just sit out the cold.

Since I've got nothing else (I always save wrestling for last, you know that YOU'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT) here's the Ask Dave collection!

It was a slightly better turn out than last time, but I wouldn't call it a rousing success. Strangely enough, the people that I've known my whole school career still refuse to talk to me, and yet people, strangers I met through the internet, are the only ones who like me enough to go along with this stupid crap.

Bless you, my crapper allies.

Wolfpack Bitch has an entire slew of questions, and she asks...

Do you prefer carpeting or hardwood floors ?
I much prefer carpeting. It's hard to get the blood stains out, but it's much more comfortable.
Do you think it's ok to touch yourself in public if no one is watching ?
Only if you're scratching an impossible scratch. I'm not wanking off in public, no matter how horny I am, and I've been pretty horny in public before.
If you're alone in the car and you accidentally fart.. do you say excuse me ? I never say excuse me at any other time. I'd have to start if I were to meet someone, a woman, that I'd really want to sleep with. It's bad manners if you don't.
Have you ever sharted?

No, never.

Next, Sanchez asks...

If you stood on your head and spun like a top, while TLE ate a turkey leg and pop-locked and 3/4 of america's population sang "Nightmare Hippy Girl" by Beck while the other 1/4 played the beat to that NIKE commercial with the people playing drums with a basketball all at the same time... what would be the outcome, and how many would die afterward?

The deaths would be impossible to count. But the outcome would be for the better, as we'd lose a high number of drummers. There's thousands of those fuckers, and most of them were guys that weren't talented enough to play a guitar. For every Keith Moon, we get about a thousand Travis Barkers. Time to go, drummer men.

Also, I'd get really dizzy. TLE would get full off the turkey leg, and also quite sleepy.

Shovelman asks...

Why didn't you do your Den Top Model duites? You know how pissed Katy was, not to mention me?

Oh sure, when I let you down, get pissed off at me. That fixes EVERYTHING. Christ, are you going to be like this when I'm not around to kill the guys that want to sodomize you? If so, we really just can't be friends.

Also, Katy and I are fine. The make-up sex was fantastic, by the way.

My good buddy ape asks...

if a wolverine and a stack of pancakes were to mate...what would be the outcome?

I would guess that a race of tasty lupine monsters would be born. They would be hunted by heartless hunters, only for their syrupy blood, and fluffy pancake goodness.

Bad Magician asks...

Who made the better vampire? Bela Lugosi or Christopher Lee?

Christopher Lee. Bela Lugosi really only inspired the gay vampire accent that I have to deal with when somebody dresses as a vampire for Halloween. Lee as Dracula would fucking BITE YOU TO FUCK, and his death scene was WAAAAAY cooler than Lugosi's. Also, King Sauron would take his one ring and shove it up Lugosi's ass, so I've got to give that edge to Lee.

Dinobot/Marsill asks...

Let's say a flying squirrel with some nunchucks* was to eat a sandwitch made out of marshmellows and Funyuns...would it get diarrhea from said sandwitch?
*the flying and nunchucks add nothing to the outcome of the meal.

It wouldn't get diarrhea. It would get some pretty smelly farts though. Just really bad gas. Good thing he's got nunchucks, so he can beat up the bullies that make fun of his gas. And when the odds get to great, he can just fly away. Everyone is happy. Except for the bullies, but they were never meant to be happy anyway. That's why they're bullies.

Az asks of me...

Is it possible to actually "kill a face"? If so, how?

There's two ways to answer this question. If the Joey Buttafouco scandal has taught us anything, you can litterally kill someone's face just by shooting them in the cheek. They'd live, but their lip would be really stiff when they blamed the whore that you were sleeping with.

Also, when the Four Horsemen beat the shit out of Dusty Rhodes, they were killing a face.

And finally, Katy asks...

Dave, why did the Dinosaurs die out?

They died? I thought John Laurinatis ruled with an iron pink slip still.

The alternative joke is, they died so that in the early 90's, hundreds of horrible Saturday Morning Cartoons could be made that featured the wonderments of a dinosaur. And We're Back: A Dinosaur Story would've had to have been renamed "What's Up: A Dinosaur Movie That Sucks Ass"

Thanks to everyone who participated in Ask Dave. And to those who didn't, I'll find you.

Hey, time for wrestling!
- Londrick are the longest reigning WWE Tag Champions in the three year history of the belt. I silently celebrate this, as no one else is cool enough to realize that this is awesome.

- William Regal revealed his pecker. And now, everything, every great match he's ever had, every stiff chop he's ever thrown, every tight submission he's nearly crippled people with, will be forgotten, because god damn, we saw us some British dingaling. Seriously, sometimes, fuck the internet. Then again, if we saw, say, Spanky's wang, I think the response might have been bigger. Hell, I'd forget all about how awesome Spanky is if I saw his peas n' carrots, but that's only because I've got a man-crush on him.

The other euphamisms for penis I could have used were schlong, weiner, scrumdiddlyumptious, antannae and knobs, meat microphone, microphone and receiver, and of course, Shaft; can you dig it.

- WWE will apologize for male nudity. But if it's hot, steamy female nudity, well fuck y'all, it's all good! Sure, it was blurred, but it's ridiculous to apologize for one thing, and then play up another similar incident. And next time we do female nudity, please put it on PPV. We're all trying to masturbate, and the blurred screen makes me think she's got some kind of strange, blurry breast cancer, and that's simply a turn off.

- Stop the presses! Johnny Devine is pissed off at the internet! Apparently, when everyone else on the internet is counting out Kurt Angle due to his neck injury, Johnny Devine was so infuriated that he made fun of the internet audiences weight, basically just like any other wrestler who has made fun of the internet. Granted, half the time the accusations are right on the money, it's not fair to the wrestling fans who, y'know...have lives. And I'm a bitter fuck anyway, so it's not like adding the ire of a wrestler who hasn't done anything to stand out in two years is really going to bother me that much.

- CM Punk annoys me. At least the current CM Punk does. Punk is getting by with little else than mat wrestling and the Anaconda Vice, then he goes home and gets to fuck Maria Kanellis, and that's just not cool. C'mon, man, Devil Lock! Devil Lock!

- I didn't watch the Season Premier of Raw. I think I was watching porn or something, I can't remember.

- Jimmy Yang finally beat Sylvan...in a nothing six man match that misused Londrick, no less. It's not like a big win over Sylvan is going to do wonders for Yang anyway, so I think it's time to put Yang on the way for Helms's Cruiserweight Title. Or something else. I dunno.

- Samoa Joe could have hit Christian with the Muscle Buster off a ladder. But instead he chose not to. I shall now sulk for a week.

- Kurt Angle's Impact Zone debut, next week! Will they make him yell at Vince McMahon! I dunno. I would. I'd yell at him. Then he'd probably make security throw the taco delivery boy out. I don't rightly know why I picked taco delivery boy as a job for that joke. Does Vince McMahon even like tacos? Then again, who DOESN'T like tacos?

That's about it. I've typed more than I've ever cared to, so this is where I leave you.

BYE.

4:01 PM - 8 Comments - 9 Kudos - Add Comment