I'm back from Boracay! I got back yesterday afternoon. But I stayed awake for 36 hours on my last day because I didn't want to waste a single minute on sleep, so by the time I got home, I was so exhausted that I practically crawled to bed.
I met a couple of really awesome guys, made new friends, partied like crazy, splurged on food and watersports, and soaked under the sun for hours. In short, I'm very tanned, tattooed (1 henna, 1 glitter, and 1 new permanent), half in love, and broke.
I had the best 4 days of my life and I didn't want it to end. I'm so in love with the island! My heart broke when I left. For the first time, I wasn't happy to come home.
So now I'm back in the real world. I'll blog some more about the trip and maybe post some pictures. I say "maybe" because we probably don't have pictures anymore. In the middle of the trip, the camera we used ran low on memory so we had the pictures burned to a CD on a local Internet cafe (Yes, they have Internet cafes in Bora!). As luck would have it, the computer won't read the CD. We're still trying to get the files recovered somehow. We did have a few pictures taken with our camera phones but that's not enough. The best pictures are in that CD. Thinking about it makes me want to weep.
I love Boracay. I want to live there. Maybe I'll quit my job, buy a laptop, and write SEO articles by the beach for a living. Ahhh…wishful thinking.
I just realized what a full month I'll be having in May. I'm so giddy with excitement that I'm practically peeing in my pants. Figuratively, of course, as peeing on pants is disgusting, in manner of 2-year-old. (Okay, that was a bad Bridget Jones impersonation.)
May 05-06: QA outing at Sugar Beach, Bantayan May 13-16: Boracay, baby! May 19-20: Team Kasag Dumaguete/Bais trip May 26-27: Company summer outing
I'm going to be so brown by the end of May. Me likee. You see, while most Filipinas are forever on the quest for lighter skin, I'm the complete opposite. The darker my skin is, the happier I am. I believe Glutathione is one of the worst things that ever happened to mankind, somewhere between the holocaust and Cueshe.
Yes, who needs toxic, lying, commitment-phobic sons-of-bitches when you have the world as your playground?
All I get is grief from the men in my life. I'm an asshole magnet. They all swarm to me like bees to honey. And just when my cynicism gets the best of me, cheesy bubblegum pop songs like this gives me hope:
I've been living with a shadow overhead I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed I've been lonely for so long Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away Just in case I ever need em again someday I've been setting aside time To clear a little space in the corners of my mind All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love Oh oh oh I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine I've been searching but I just don't see the signs I know that it's out there There's got to be something for my soul somewhere I've been looking for someone to shed some light Not somebody just to get me throught the night I could use some direction And I'm open to your suggestions All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart again I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end There are moments when I don't know if it's real Or if anybody feels the way I feel I need inspiration Not just another negotiation All I want to do is find a way back into love I can't make it through without a way back into love And if I open my heart to you I'm hoping you'll show me what to do And if you help me to start again You know that I'll be there for you in the end
Yes, its cheesy alright. But its also uber cute. Not normally the kind of song I'd go for but its totally growing on me.
I am a good person. I love and I have a good heart. I give, sometimes too much, but never in half measures. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm just as flawed as everyone else. I can be selfish and demanding. I have a bad temper. I fight back when pushed too far. I can be judgmental to a certain degree. I have lied, cheated, gossiped, and laughed at people behind their backs. But I don't feel good about it. I try to be a better person. I strive to be more patient, more humble, more understanding. I respect people, even the ones who don't deserve it. I would rather speak the truth than lie. I cry when I hurt, but I don't hate nor hold grudges. I know it when I do somebody wrong, and I apologize right away before more damage is done. And when I'm wronged, though I never forget, I forgive. I always forgive.
I've been hurt so many times in so many different ways. But even after all that I've been through, I still have faith in the inherent good in people. Yet, there are people who would post your pictures on websites and say nasty things about you. There are people who would call you names, instead of apologize. There are people who would judge you, even if they don't know you. There are people who would promise you one thing and do another. There are people who would make you cry, leave you, and hurt you without hesitation. People can be cruel. And because of all that vileness and pain, I find myself doubting goodness. I wonder if being kind and generous still matters. I wonder if respect, love, and forgiveness can still make a difference. I wonder if all the effort at being good is still worth it.
But then, I find myself standing under a scorching mid-day sun and a little old lady shares her umbrella with me. She even lets me take the first cab that came along because I won't have shade if she leaves first. My mum makes me a terriyaki sandwich for no reason. My sister, usually gone for days at a time, shows up and whisks me off to the movies because she misses me. A stranger keeps the elevator doors open while I have my bag inspected because he could see I was running late.
The kindness of strangers, the laughter of friends, the comfortable love of family, these are trivial things that we sometimes don't notice and we take for granted. And with these little, seemingly insignificant things, my faith in all that is good in this world is restored. The little things remind me why goodness is worth every effort.
Heroes In A Half-Shell, Turtle Power!
Current mood: happy
I went on a date today with someone very important. I went on a date with myself. I figured, I deserved it. I have the day off, so I might as well catch some me-time. My little tryst with myself was far from romantic. I went to the bank and paid bills. In an effort to cut costs, I rode jeepneys the whole time. I almost fainted from the heat, as I walked from Ayala to HSBC and back to Ayala under the scorching mid-day sun. Summer is such a drag sometimes.
On the spur of the moment, I decided to catch a movie. So, I bought myself a Shawarma (all meat, onions, and garlic sauce, yum!), a huge chocolate pearl shake, and a ticket to watch the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I chose a seat right smack in the middle of the front row in the premiere area, and had myself a great time. The movie was good, but not exceptional. The storyline was simple, yet surprisingly adult. It was well-animated, though April and Casey looked too skinny and the turtles looked like they were wearing cute bustiers. Still, I enjoyed myself immensely.
Growing up, I was in love with those turtles, dude! I remember I used to pretend I was a ninja turtle with my sister and two of our cousins. Being the eldest, I was always Leonardo, the leader, and I was pleased that the movie empasized that fact (Leonardo being the leader, not me being Leonardo. Sheesh.). The whole gang was there, and only the villains were new. It was good to see Leonardo, Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, Splinter, April, and Casey again.
Its nice to see the cartoons I grew up to making it on the big screen. It started with the Ghostbusters. Then, there was X-Men, and now, TMNT. In a few months, we'll also be seeing the Transformers. It brings back the days when life was so much simpler, when the biggest problem that we had to face was missing those Friday night cartoons.
It would have been perfect to hear the all too familiar TMNT theme of old. But, to hide from the world and be a kid again, if only for a couple of hours, is priceless. What a pleasant way to spend an afternoon.
For the past year and a half, I've been blogging. I've blogged about my pain, my heartache, my friends, my work, and my travels. I've blogged about everything. People have asked me why I do it, and I only have one answer: I love writing, and if given the chance, I would write for the rest of my life.
I've never really thought about how people react to my writing. Yes, my friends would comment and talk to me about my pieces, but as for everyone else, I'll be damned if I cared about what they thought. To be honest, I never knew that I had quite an audience. Imagine my surprise when they came crawling out of the woodwork. Most of them are harmless, really. They commend me on my writing and ask to read more, and I have no problem with that. In fact, I'm thankful for it. But, the world is also full of hateful people, and sad to say, I've been subjected to their judgment for so long that I have simply had enough.
In MySpace, scantily clad bitches steal my work and post them as their own, which is just fuckin' unbelievable, considering that these girls can barely spell and string two words in English together. When confronted, they have the nerve to call me names. In Friendster, I have some girl I've never seen before messaging me and calling me a whore. What did I ever do to these people? Cyberspace is supposed to be free territory where anyone can post whatever they want to. I mean, if they have problems with what I write, they don't have to read it. Because of this, I've decided to take my writing seriously. Though I really don't care much about the name-calling, I'm very upset about the stealing. Also, with the sudden onslaught of readers, I find it more difficult to bare my soul. The words don't flow just as freely, especially when I'm writing from the heart. The trivial things are not a problem, but there are some things, certain half-secrets, that are better kept with friends.
I could choose to stop writing altogether, but that would be like asking me to cut off one of my limbs. I can't do that to myself. So, I found a nice, obscure site that would host my blog. I'm hoping for discretion. I want to be able to write about my life freely again without the fear of getting somebody's job in jeopardy, and I simply don't want to be found. And if I am, then I will move to another. It shouldn't be too difficult to get lost in cyberspace.
Of course, I would still be posting a few things here from time to time. Some of my other blogs are still up and running too. If you mean well, and want the link to the new site, message me. For now, my life is no longer here for your amusement.
The Mickey Mouse Love Stories Club
Current mood: giggly
I horrify myself on a regular basis. Today was no exception.
I had to report for work at 5AM, and since I slept pretty late last night, I didn't wake up until around 4:15 AM. I bolted out of the bed, panicking. I didn't have time to wash my hair, so I just washed those places that matter, and brushed my teeth. I put on a pair of denim pedal pushers, a black t-shirt that I've never seen before with a smiling Mickey Mouse on it, and flip-flops. The flip-flops are forbidden, but I've been wearing them for weeks because for some reason, nobody has ever told me off, and I'm sort of waiting. But that's beside the point. I bolted out of the house with a box of leftover JCA pizza (all 8 slices intact!) in my arms. In short, I arrived in the office bleary-eyed and looking distinctly scruffy.
I ate half of the pizza when I arrived, the other half a couple of hours later. Without sharing. I'm disgusting.
As if that wasn't horrifying enough, I was preening in front of the bathroom mirror when I noticed that there were words printed under Mickey's chin in inch-high letters. It says Love Stories Culb. I promise you, its not a typo. That is really what's on the shirt. Love Stories Culb. With a period. My guess is that Culb is really Club, but I've never heard of a Love Stories Club associated with Mickey Mouse. Or Disney, for that matter. I've heard of the Mickey Mouse Club but that seems like a far cry from Love Stories Culb. So, I tried to Google it (both Club and Culb), and I came up with nothing. I even tried Cult. Zero. Zilch. Nada.
I could imagine some poor, hapless Taiwanese chick painstakingly printing the shirt (or do they use machines for that?), thinking that Mickey Mouse was a character from a telenovela like Dao Ming Zhu. Lesson learned: never wear t-shirts of unknown origins.
Today, I cried. I didn't mean to cry. It was embarrassing but I couldn't stop. I cried in front of my friends. I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.
I cried out of frustration. I won't go into the details because its too humiliating. Suffice to say, now I know he's just not interested. I guess its best to know now before my infatuation dragged on too long. But for now, just a little while longer, I will love him from afar.
I cried out of hopelessness. I have a job that's going nowhere. I was hoping for another job that's supposed to make things better but it doesn't look like its going to happen anymore. I'm supposed to have a higher salary but I'm more broke than ever. My house doesn't have running water more and more often. Nick turned out to be screwing more girls than I could count with one hand. And now, the man who I really like most, the one I was hoping (no, believing!) I was going to have a real functioning relationship with, isn't interested in me in the slightest. Everything I touch turns to shit.
I cried out of desperation. I turn 25 tomorrow and I have nothing, absolutely nothing, going for me. I feel useless, stupid, ugly, unloved and unwanted.
I cried out of confusion. Nice, smart, pretty girls are supposed to have the good jobs, the good guys, the good life. I've been told enough times that I'm one of those girls. Then why can't I have it all?
I cried. I cried because my heart breaks. I cried because I'm human. I cried because I've earned the right to cry.
I cried because I won't be crying again for a long time.
Currently
listening
:
Blower's Daughter
By
Damien Rice
Release date: 25 January, 2005
A year ago today, I bid goodbye to Jonathan in a crowded airport. That was the last time I ever saw him. I didn't expect that but life is full of surprises.
We've kept in touch and I guess we're pretty good friends. He's happy and I'm happy. He's found a sweet girl who he loves and who loves him back. She's also been very nice to me and I'm a big supporter of their relationship.
Still I'm a little bit sad today, remembering the painful airport scene. So allow me this day of mourning, to look back and laugh and cry at the memories. Allow me this day to take out the photos of our short time together and listen to the songs that were ours. Allow me this day to reminisce.
Allow me this day, just this one day, to miss him again.
"Be content with the unknowns in your world -- you can figure things out later."
It makes sense. And it gives me an excuse not to think obsessively about the result of my job interview this morning, the fact that I'm turning 25 in 10 days with absolutely no clear direction as to where I am heading with my life, and Nick.
Yes, Nick is back in my life and this time, I'm just letting things be for the moment. I know he has issues that he needs to sort out and I told him I'll stick around until he figures things out. I told him I won't wait for him forever but I'll wait long enough, as long as I can. And I got the exclusivity I demanded. How true that is, I don't know, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. In short, I chose to trust him. God, help me but as they say, what I don't know won't hurt me. And for the moment, he's pretty far down my list of priorities right now.
I need that job. I want that job. I have been preparing my whole life for that job and if I don't get it, I know I'm just going to feel like a total failure all over again. I'm so sick of obsessing about it. I want to get a good night's sleep for the first time all week. I want to function normally again. I want to laugh again without suddenly feeling sick. I want my insides to feel normal again.
So now I'm forcing myself to put the interview at the back of my head. Its over after all. Its no easy task but I must. Not just the interview. The back of my head will now be storage for Nick, my birthday, and the feeling of utter helplessness.
I seek refuge in the unknown. Who knows? One of these days I might be pleasantly surprised.
Currently
listening
:
The Best of Blur
By
Blur
Release date: 21 November, 2000
NOTE: This contains spoilers on the latest episodes of Grey's Anatomy so read at your own risk.
I just finished watching the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy, which I downloaded from the net. I know, I know, piracy sucks. But its not my fault it takes ages to air in the Philippines (we're a season late) and the DVDs aren't any better so really, I'm left with not much choice.
The episode I just finished is the last of three parts where there's a big ferry accident with loads of dead people. The interns (except Cristina) were deployed to the site of the tragedy where Alex rescued a pregnant woman with a smashed face, George promised a woman needing surgery that he will find her missing son, Izzie drilled holes in a guy's head and Meredith tried to help a man with a leg wound who, in his state, ended up pushing Meredith off the edge of the pier. Meredith drowned and was rescued by Dr. McDreamy himself. She was technically dead by the time she was taken to Seattle Grace, where the doctors tried to revive her anyway, even when she was looking all gray and lifeless on the bed. She, then, had an out-of-body experience where she met Denny (Izzie's dead fiancé), Dylan (the bomb squad guy who died in season 2), and some of her dead patients and they got her to admit that instead of fighting for her life, she gave up too easily, all because her mother told her she was too ordinary. Eventually, she decided she wanted to go back to the living. She met her mother (who was having a heart attack at this point) in the empty, after-life hospital setting, who hugged her and said she was anything but ordinary and showed her the way to go back. Her mother died but Meredith lived.
I couldn't help but cry through all three parts. I always identified with Meredith. She had the "tequila thing" and the "inappropriate men" thing. She was a "dark and twisty" person trying to be all "bright and shiny". She is just another girl trying to make her way through life and everything that goes with it. That's why I love the series so much because I understood everything that she went through. I was touched by how her friends dropped everything to be at her side, how the doctors kept trying to revive her even when it was seemingly hopeless. Most of all, I was touched by Derek's pain. It takes a real man to cry and I could feel his helplessness and despair (also, he was looking extremely gorgeous with the tears).
It makes me glad to have my own friends who I know will never abandon me, friends who would stand by me and help me through whatever crap I have in my life. Yes, like Meredith, I am blessed with wonderful people in my life, people that make life bearable and liveable. I never fully appreciated that until now.
There was a scene that Denny told Meredith: "Do you know what kind of miracle Derek is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like him even exists? He's still an optimist. He still believes in true love and magic and soulmates. He's waiting for you. And if you don't come back from this, you will change who he is." I wish I had a Derek. I wish there was someone who still believes in the things that I believe. I wish there was someone who would love me like that. I miss having somebody in my life. I have been losing faith but somehow, I realized that there could still be somebody for me out there. Somewhere, my McDreamy is waiting for me.
I know its just a TV soap. I know it can be a little cheesy and unrealistic sometimes. I know it shouldn't be a basis for reality. I know some of you are laughing at my sentiments right now. But you have to know that for some of us, life, in its entirety, is difficult. Friendship is fragile and love is elusive. There will always be problems. It would be all too easy to just give up and stop fighting for dear life. That's why, some of us find hope wherever we can. Even in a TV show.
Currently
listening
:
O
By
Damien Rice
Release date: 10 June, 2003
Its over. I gave him a lot of second chances and each time, I just get disappointed. He is deceitful and his words are poison. Each time, I keep believing and each time, I just get my heart broken when he doesn't follow through. As they say, shame on you if you fooled me once and shame on me if you fooled me twice.
Maybe I tried too hard. Maybe I didn't try at all. I know I could've waited for him to come around. But if there's one thing I've learned after too many failed relationships, it is not to wait too long for things to get better. If you wait, somehow you'll find yourself waiting just a little bit longer each time. Then you'll wake up one day and realize that you've wasted months or even years and its still not any better. Its not about not giving anybody chances. Its about drawing the line somewhere, knowing that you're not a doormat and you can't wait around forever.
Nick was like a piece of art, a Ming vase, if you will. When you look at it, its a beautiful, perfect piece of art. But if you look closer, beyond the shiny facade, you will see cracks and flaws that might or might never be fixed. I have my own cracks too. And when you really think about it, who ever heard of two vases fixing each other?
I'm not ashamed to admit I put a lot of faith in this relationship. I really liked Nick. I wanted to get to know him and start a life with him. Being with him felt good. Somebody once told me that if sometimes I have difficulty coming to terms with something, all I need to do is take a step back and look at the bigger picture. And that's what I did. I moved away from my disappointment and looked at the relationship in its entirety. I looked beyond my feelings of infatuation and hopes of ever after and I realized a lot of things. We had conversations but we never really talked about anything and everything. We had a few laughs but we never really laughed together. He never really made any effort to really know me as a person. We enjoyed each other's company but it wasn't the blissful companionship of two people that belonged together. My affair was not as wonderful as I led myself to believe. In the end, neither of us got what we wanted or needed out of the relationship.
I still think about him. A lot. I still want him and in a way, the hope is still there that he will have an epiphany, realize that we belong together and that he can't live without me. But that's just wishful thinking. In reality, we've gone our separate ways and we'll probably never see each other ever again. But I can't forget his touch, his kiss, his scent, his smile, how his eyes sparkle when he laughs, his walk, the feel of his arms around me and the way his hair felt when I run my fingers through it. I miss him. Most of all, I miss the idea of him.
Yes, its been hard but I know that's just for now. I know this is a temporary condition, that it will pass one day, sooner or later. Time does heal all wounds. I've let go and by letting go, I started the process of moving on. And that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm moving on.
- Why can't I shut up? - Why can't I just lie back and wait for things to happen? - Why do I always feel I have to make things happen? - Why couldn't I just wait for him to come around and give me what I want? - Why do I have to fight for everything I believe in? - Why did I run to the opposite direction without even waiting for him to do his part? - Why am I so afraid? - Why am I in so much pain? - Why do I still have my idealistic notions of love? - Why do I feel like I did the wrong thing by walking away when it should be right? - Why can't I play his game when I have played so many others before? - Why do I want to be the only one for him? - Why can't I get him out of my mind when its supposed to be over? - Why do I still want to be with him and only him more than anything else in the world? - Why can't he see that I would've been right for him? - Why did everything that was built in 6 months fall apart in a span of 10 days? - Why is he all wrong for me when he was supposed to be right? - Why did he lie to me? - Why did I go and turn my life upside down in the first place? - Why did I fall too hard too fast? - Why can I still taste him, feel him, smell him? - Why couldn't I be enough for him? - Why do I still hope to see his name when my phone makes a sound? - Why couldn't I remember life before him? - Why can't I get my life back? - Why can't I let go?
I'm sitting in a dark corner of my office, gulping down my third glass of water to fill up my bladder so I can pee in a cup and make Etelecare happy by having my annual physical exam done on time. I'm bored out of my mind and I realized, now is a good time as any to write about The Trip. I've been putting it off for awhile now because my thoughts are way too scattered to even be distinctly coherent. But I've put it off long enough so now I am attempting to organize the incoherent jumble of memories and emotions into something that could hopefully be considered literary.To be honest though, I'd settle for getting this off my chest.
When I left, I promised myself that I will leave behind whatever expectations I had. I tried to but somehow my expectations made their way into my luggage and I was tormented the whole time. From the time I saw him walking his way towards me at the crowded airport, I was gone. I was so gone. Why wouldn't I be? I've been speaking to him for over six months and everything he ever told me was what I have been waiting to hear all my life. He was exactly what I was looking for. Or so I thought.
At first, it was perfect. He was the perfect gentleman. He was handsome, sweet, attentive, and incredibly smart. The conversation flowed easily between us which, for me, was the deciding factor. He totally had me. It was all moving so fast that I never really got the chance to stop and think and I didn't care because I thought I have found what I was looking for. It was fireworks and butterflies, the whole nine yards. Yes, I was gone, indeed.
But after spending all those days with him, I came to see him for what he really is. Behind the flowery words was a man so deceptive, its astonishing. He says one thing but totally does another while still insisting that he meant what he said. He asks me to be his girl but won't give me the exclusivity and commitment that I want (at least, not now, according to him). He has intimacy issues, commitment issues, truth issues and God only knows what other issues. I still shudder in disgust to think of the messages and pictures of cheap-looking tramps that I had the misfortune of seeing.
We had a great time together. We really did. I enjoyed being with him. I hate to admit it but I loved being with him. I still want to be with him, that's the worst thing. He's not all bad. In fact, if not for the crap that I found out, he'd be perfect. I guess that's what the crap is for, because nobody should be that perfect. I guess its the foreigner-in-the-Philippines thing. Girls are all over him and it must seem like a smorgasbord. I just hope he's smart enough to know the difference between the good girls and the prostitutes. Not all prostitutes ask for money up front but are disguised as seemingly normal girls who would just milk him for what he's worth. Sad to say, that's what most of the Filipinas are today. I can honestly say I am one of the rare good girls. I don't need anything from him, except maybe his love. I don't need his money or even his citizenship. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. And clichéd as it may sound, if he can't appreciate that, then its his loss, not mine. Its one of those situations that that little cliché actually has substance.
I like him, I really do. Who am I kidding? I think I might be a little in love with him already, though I don't wanna think about that. That makes things so much worse than they already are. I tried to walk away because I know I don't really need that kind of drama. Its not healthy and I don't exactly have a very good track record of dealing with drama. But he wouldn't let me. He said he wants to work it out, see where it leads, that he cares for me more than any of the other girls, that I was special, yada yada. And I believe him. I actually believe it with all my heart. I refuse to believe that all that we've ever talked about for six months wasn't real. This is the first time in a long time that I put myself out there, that I took the risk of loving again and I don't want to think it was all in vain. Call me a martyr, but I have to believe in something. Maybe he'll come around. Maybe he won't. More than likely, he won't. He doesn't seem to know what his heart is for.
But I still have faith. I have faith that if he's The One, then he is. If not, then life goes on. I have faith that I am strong enough to go through this again, that this time I will do it right. I have faith in the people that I love who will protect me and never abandon me. Most of all, I have faith in myself, that I can get through this wounded but not broken.
I find myself thinking though, if nice guys finish last, is it the same with nice girls? I couldn't help but wonder.
Tomorrow I fly to be with the man who's had me spinning in circles since I met him over 6 months ago.
Tomorrow I'll leave behind my expectations if only to arm myself against disappointment. No matter how it goes, I will be alright. I refuse to have it any other way.
Tomorrow I might finally be with the man of my dreams or the man of my nightmares. He could be The One or just another one. He could rock my world or turn it upside down.
Tomorrow I go and take that risk because tomorrow, I have to know.
ecstatic
excited
hopeful
loved
happy
bitchy
giggly
I horrify myself on a regular basis. Today was no exception.
depressed
nostalgic
nervous
melancholy
sad
frustrated
giddy
