1:12 PM - Body Mods and My Mental State
Current mood: Alive

After most forms of modification (changing hair color, ink, piercings, corseting, even ER surgery) I am left with a feeling of

"What did you Do to yourself?"

The worse was the tattoo down my sides and lower abs. Once it was done  I hated it.  I knew it was unchangable.  Later I came to understand the reason I was unhappy with it was simple. It was unfinished. This changed how I felt about it in a way I can't put in to words.

My first surface piercings on my back freaked me out as well for a few days.

As long as I have known what body mod performance art was I have thought it was so ethereal. But more then that. I was drawn to it. I would see others and know that that is where I wanted to be. That is where I belonged in life.

The problem lies in this : Fear.

Before any undertaking I am afraid, filled with terror. Weighted down by the absolute knowledge that I will fail. That I will be unable to endure whatever it is I have gotten myself in to. I feel I am in over my head and drowning.

But the modifications always come off with out a hitch. Well, mostly... I always exceed my own goals. Each time this happens it makes the next endevor a little less frightening. 

What's worse is my closest friends never doubt me. In fact, there is a moment in every undertaking, usually pretty early in it that I understand I  CAN DO THIS. Armed with that, I now know that I have met and exceded my expectations, now I have to do the same for my friends.

I want my experiances to be one of  learning  for all of us involved. Some ppl might think this is unhealthy. I think that your friends should inspire you to be better. To always go beyond what you thought.

This weekend was my first body modification performance. This is what I have been working up to with the rope bondage shows, the beatings, the unexpected performances...... all of it smaller steps until I had the courage to catapult into the role I thought I wanted to be in.

Granted the show wasn't very extreme. And the aftermath, days later, the emotional detachment was new and fightening. I was told that it happens and passes which in itself was more then comforting.

The whole experiance solidifies that this is where I belong. I will never be rich or famous. I will never have a world wide following like some fetish models. I am ok with that. I have made it this far with out compromising who I feel I am. I have never done nudity, just hinted at it.

On stage, with the blood running I have never felt so alive, or so beautiful.
Flawless

I have wanted this for so long. I have strived and struggled my way and I feel like this is it. I am at the top of the ladder I have been climbing for so long.  I am at a place in my life crowded by ppl who no longer ask me "Why?" Instead "no I get IT".

I am not self destructive. It is more like what else can I do? How far. How much can I take.  It is alot like fire. It hurts but changes me, even slightly. I am a work of art and it isn't pain that is the paint. It is all the other things involved. Pain is simply the price I have to pay for freedom, for beauty and sometimes truth.

Back to fear, at the show I was so very afraid. I thought I was going to faint but my friends, including my incredable piercer Jeff, made me feel alot better. I really think that the better relationship you have with your crew the easier shows are and the less painful.

Trust kills fear.

Also knowing if something goes wrong your friends can and will be able to handle any thing that comes up.

I would like to do another show, something outside the fetish ball. I know now that I can do it and as is tradition I want to push it farther. I know I will eventually hit my limit. I also know that there are ppl in the world who will surpass me. And I stand amazed.

I am a pretty grounded. I want to stay that way. I jokingly tell my others I am not a diva, but my friends are. I really feel like they lookout for me. This is a new development. Last year I made friends with Heather and B.H.. I knew Nikki from  my high school days. And all the great ppl in my support group bleed from Heather and B.H. They are my pillars.

I have ppl in my life, ppl very close to me, who hate what I do. Who can't understand this need that drives me. Compells me. I would be lying to say that this didn't effect my personal relationships. It is hard to want to share parts of your life with someone who is disgusted by what you do. It taints all my acomplishments.

But that like Pain, is a small price to pay. I am always changed by any performance. What I have learned after the blood play at the ball is that I no longer want to do BDSM play on a stage, no more rope bondage - unless it is  piercing related. I always knew that they were a stepping stone. I just don't know where to take this new found information.

I want to hang. I am ready and afraid. It has been extremly hard to plan it and something or another comes up.
It will happen.
I feel the Fates are kind and if I am waiting there is a good reason for it.   

As always
Your Friend

Winter

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2:17 PM - The Aftermath *Myschievia*

Time and the Norms are a funny fickle thing. I arrived at  *Myschievia* on a Wednesday. It is mind blowing any event ,doesn't matter if it is one day or a weekend long but I spent six days out there.Six beautiful sun soaked days and freezing dew soaked nights. This event really was like coming home.  

I know what life is suppost to be like the challange is to bring that knowledge and apply it to the "real world". Art, fire, friends and family.

I have stopped fighting being called a burner. I guess there are worse things ppl could call me. After all a Burner Leaves No Trace, a Burner knows that You Are Responsible For Your Own Experiances. A Burner feels that Life And Events Are Not A Spectator Sport.  The list goes on and on....

Never do I feel so close to my soul or others as when we are dancing to drums or laughing and running while the effigy burns or watching in stunned silence as our hopes, fears, dreams float down in eerie slowness turning to ash and freeing us all.

I have dreded my hair. It was a long time coming I decided why wait any longer? I didn't even know what I was waiting for. 

At  *Myschievia* I did something I have never done and will probbly will never do agian. I told one person all my deepest darkest secrets. All the things that  let me hold on to guilt and hurt and selfloathing..  and we are not only still friends but we are better for it. 

And it was amazing and when the effigy came down all things in life really had come full circle. I gifted my fear to the fall and the Myschievians gifted me peace.

After each event you know Life will never be the same. I have a hard time remembering life before the burners. I know I was bitter and cold. I hated myself and everyone else as well. My closest friends, like Heather, have seem this transformation from the start. I am blessed to have ppl in my life that could see what I could be without hate and anger. So yeah perhaps you will think I am a hippie but I stand by my statement wrapped in gossamar blue fabric with pink flowers playing in the freezing cold water

I fully endorse this Love Thing :)

Remember we are all in this together

Be Safe.

Your friend Winter

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6:54 PM - Hooks&Blood&Beauty

As most of you know I am living in Weatherford. Safe and sound and almost one chunk. I still have plans to move to Norfolk Va in March or so. Though right now my main concern is Myschivia. I am exited about what this next few weeks hold. I have decided it is time to take the plung and suspend. I want it so bad I can taste it. I am obsessed. Like most things I find beautiful I want to make it apart of me. The idea of that needle and hook making its home in my skin and taking me airborn makes me giddy like a child on xmas eve. I feel it like a calling, it beckons me and I go willingly.
I see others suspend and it draws me in. Everything about it is perfection. I am afraid and it is ok. Pain makes you beautiful, and god I want to be beautiful.

I try to think about how it will hurt or that it might rip, That it will bleed and scar.

But even these thoughts pale in comparison that some how when my feet come up, no matter what has happened , or will happen in this thing I call life, That I am free.

Perhaps I do control my own destiny. Or it might all be predetermined... all I know for sure is that if I don't do this that I have done a great disservice to myself.... and given the life that I am leading I would hate that not suspending would be my only regreat when it ( to me ) seems so natural a course of action.



More on this later
Your Friend In Ink and Steel
Winter

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5:30 PM - My soul?

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

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11:13 AM - The Trick Is To keep Breathing
Current mood: numb
Category: Friends

i

had it

we

shared it 

i

misplaced

 it.

So now

i

am gone

not

for good

just

 till I

 find

-Perspective-

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11:37 AM - Life.... like the flutter of wings......
Current mood: indescribable

so it seems this transformation leaves nothing untouched.

Things I thought would be constants in my life fall away. I come to understand that sometimes I hold on to things simply because of what it reminds me of. Sadly I do this with ppl too.

Last night I gave up my friendship ( for lack of a better term for something that was really just self destructive) with someone I thought would alawys be around.

Granted, this was not out of the blue....

 you ever tell yourself something so much you start to think it holds truth?  

I was like that, until someone brought to my attention that it Might not be the case. 

So I stepped back and did some massive re evaluating.

I have come to TWO very important understandings in this last week......

One, friends wont hurt you. They will go out of thier way to make sure you are happy... and it isn't even a thought out process. All they know is They are your friends, -your Tribe -and that your happiness and well being is as important as there own.

and Two, I do not hate my Mother. My feelings are hurt. Perhaps they always will be. But at this point in time i have Two choices. ...

Be bitter and miss out on what time we have in this world. Let my children grow up thinking that Family isn't Everything and perhaps one day they too will distrust me.

or

Move past it and accept that I feel this way but know what caused  it is over and in the past and let my mother teach me the lesson no one else has even come close to : HOW TO FORGIVE.

ok

that's all

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9:50 PM - Insight

So tonight I was given a bit of insight I deemed worthy of sharing

Conversation is a s follows

Vampirate : lol You are someone worth knowing dear
Winter:         sometimes
Vampirate: haha if someone is worth knowing its an all the time thing,

- can' t expect someone interesting to be someone perfect now-

Fucking Brilliant

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12:55 AM - letter to everyone

ok ppl

I am going to pull myself away from this Soul Sucking machine
curse sobriety and get back to work on that damn dreamcatcher

The last one took me 12 hours
and you all know my Obsession with Flipside.


I don't mean to ignore you, any of you and if you were not my friends (With the exception of MOST bands) you would not be getting this post.

Just know that I am usually not so self absorbed, once in a great while I need some me time. I know that alot of you have stuff going on in your lives. Like you all know that I can not be in several places at once.

Seattle -You guys are home. No matter how long I am gone you are My Family and that means more then anything else in this world.

New York - Jersey Kids this means you too (Deal With it) You are jaded and confident You will do well with out me for a bit. Show me the self reliance, that sweet Fuck You We Need Nobody mentality that makes me love you all.

Chicago - You are my Rope master, My sweetest Pain Receptors your friendship is like the wind it comes in burst never lasting too long but it cuts through body and soul I am always frozen and you are as much a part of me a Seattle.

Varginia -you hold me soft and sweet like the fog rolling by lit soft by the morning sun. You teach me and remind me Reality is ever changing and is all about PERCEPTION.

The rest of you are scatterd far and wide but you are never far from my thoughts.
we are all from differant places and walks of life but none the less we are a TRIBE
and I am a better person for knowing all of you.



so this is not goodbye
This is I need to spend time with me.
Yes it is true
i have bleached my hair
yes it is true
i am tanned
yes it is true
that I am re evaluating EVERYTHING. I have hid behind a wall for so long. You all know

When I am with ANY of you
the most common thing i hear is that I am too Gaurded





so yes I am going to flipside
and I hope that is the end of the journey
by the time I come back to Ft Worth I would like to know
why am I so afraid of,

because
when I say

 We Are Not Afraid

i mean


We are not afraid.....
we are teriffied.



I love you all
and I know most of you love me


and if I don't feel like I know myself
how is that fair to any of us?



Your friend always

Winter

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11:15 PM - when words fail

It is times like this I am thankful for the violin.

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4:15 AM - ((Bremerton))

I will be home soon even if it is only for the weekend I need to fill the city wrap her dark embrace around me. I imagine all of us stumbling through the rain soaked streets  drapped around each other  drowning in our own laughter true children of the freezing night. even now I can remember the smell of the sound.

It isn't just the water that draws me in again

it is all of you

Chadd   Wacky zany lovable non judgemental

Zac      the ever Dirty Diabetic who makes me laugh even when i want to be mad

Narcie who is also away in Az picking up the pieces of his life as well

and of course Brian     ever hopeful I will regain my faith in humanity........

My friends

and so much more

if you freaks only knew you are the closest to home I will ever feel...

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