Stuff-n-things
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

So...  I have in gone from myspaciousness for a bit...  Life has a way of getting most of my attention lately.

I have been making more jewelry and focusing on getting my website up and running and moving towards a new career in this area.

I have been spending more time with my husband.  Focusing on our relationship and how much we love each other.

I have been spending lots of quality time with my daughter.  She is the most amazing part of living in this world.

I have been spending a lot of free time at my mother-in-law's store.  Working the shop, doing the window displays.  Thoroughly enjoying every second spent there. Check this out too:  http://bestof.westword.com/bestof/award.php?award=749417

Been trying to reconnect with my friends.  I need you guys!  :)

Lastly - well, mostly - been really working on myself.  I still have far to go, but I am doing much better.  

Soon I believe I will be performing on open mic night at Wash Perk (coffee shop next door to the store).  I'll keep ya posted.

These days...  Life is good and getting much better.

11:12 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

Mean People Suck Massively!!!
Current mood: angry
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers

Someone broke into my mother-in-law's store last night and also the coffee shop next to her store in the building she happens to also own.

Why do people do such pathetic stuff like this?  It's not like she has a ton of money and can afford to replace the window's these thieving asses broke.

Ugh!  I am soo pissed off.  I hope karma kicks these fuckers in the face hard!

10:48 AM - 4 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

2007! Why we hardly knew ye...
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Blogging

Yeah 2007  is gone.  Goodbye.  Hello 2008.  OK....

Hmmm 2007 is gone.  What a long crazy year it has been.  I would liken it to a roller coaster flying in mid air off the rails.  Yeah that would be a great way to describe it.  I really dislike corny "what did you learn this past year and how will it change you forever and ever"...  But again this was a HUGE year for me.  Emotionally and physically.  Some of the lowest lows and some super highs indeed.  Let's review....

• Started the year off with no bang really that I remember.  Friendships were in the forefront beginning this year.  A very dear friendship fell apart and left me mourning.  I miss you still Jenni.  I am sorry.
  
• Another dear friend of mine reminded me that oftentimes when you make really hard choices, your true friends stab you in the front.  Thank you for waking me up and making me stand up for me and be friends with who I damn well pleased.  Angie you are stronger than you know and as I have said before, you are my hero.  John so are you.  You too are stronger than you know and I am terribly grateful that you were able to confide in me as well.  I wish you and Angie much love.
  
• Music.  Music.  Music.  Singing lessons.  Bought a guitar.  Tried to sing with Angie and freaked myself out by being a perfectionist.  Realizing this I decided to try harder and believe more in myself.   In December I got up and sang in front of people for the first time.  Bruce you are the one who gave me courage to do this.  Your kind words of support and recording shenanigans mean more to me than they probably should.  Thank you!  I love you dearly.  The DVD of the performance still has me shuttering, but I am so freaking proud of myself!  I have accomplished one of my life's goals.  I got up on a stage (singing backup - leaving room for another first!) and busted it out!
  
• Around the middle of May I decided that my marriage wasn't working.  My husband and I went through a really horrible time.  It is awful isolating yourself from the one person who is supposed to know you best.  I have never been more scared and lonely in my life.  Jefferson, thank you for your continued patience and willingness to work on yourself.  You will believe someday that you are the person I see.
• Grandpa you are with Grandma.  I know that is where you wanted to be most.  He passed on right after Memorial Day.  I find myself forgetting that you are gone.  The other day I needed to replace a hearing aid battery and went to the fridge and saw the box of batteries that I had inherited from what was left at the nursing home.  I startled.  You are truly gone.  I love you.
• Creativity.  It began I guess with the singing lessons but started full force with jewelry.  Once I started I couldn't stop and haven't since.  I have been selling jewelry left and right.  I had a widely successful jewelry show and now have my jewelry in a local store.  I plan to expand that as well.  Plus I made a wonderful new friend out of it.  Abby!  When is coffee?!  ;)
• This probably belongs up with the previous bullet, but I got an article published on an online magazine Uplift!  http://www.upliftmagazine.com/uplift/  I had written the humble blog here on MySpace and the lovely Sarah who created this amazingly hip zine on her own and then moved it to the web decided to take me on.  THANK YOU SARAH!!!  This incredibly un-hip working mother across the pond is eternally grateful.  I have also worked on a short story of mine.  It is in my past blogs.  I am not the best at expressing myself and grammar is always a challenge, but once I let go of those and let the words flow, I get a rush and a sense of accomplishment.
  
• I turned 36 this year.  It was a wonderful birthday.  I have never ever felt so loved and cherished.  Thank you dear dear friends and loved ones for delighting me so.
• Oh!  I haven't mentioned my AMAZING DAUGHTER.  She is the most beautiful, lovely, sweet, intelligent, affectionate, smart, artistic, creative person I have ever met.  She consistently teaches me something new.  God I love being her mother!  She won a super citizen award last month.  Her first grade teacher got up an explained why she nominated Arabella.  I was in tears to hear how much her teacher loves her and finds her as amazing as I do. 
  
• I went to several AMAZING concerts this year.  Carved in Stone Concert at Red Rocks, Monolith Festival at Red Rocks, Neil Young in California and here in Denver.  I'll remember these concerts because they each touched me in ways that are inexplicable.  To have the gift of music is to be closest to whatever God is.  Corny.  But that is how I feel.
• Lastly - gotta wrap this up at some point....  I have done a HUGE amount of work on myself.  I have lost a lot of weight.  That counts in baggage too.  I have been working on my codependency and feeling responsible for everything and everyone.  I have worked on my self esteem re: weight-loss and sexy clothes ;)  I have learned to allow myself to be selfish and that is perfectly OK.  I am allowing others to give to me and as scary as that is, it is getting easier.  I am growing up.  Being an adult is the hardest thing I have ever done - next to being a parent.  It's working.  I feel "in" the moment, safe and secure.  Sure I have bad days, and just came out of a huge depression.  But I came out of it.  Dusted myself off and look at me now!

Currently listening : New Magnetic Wonder By The Apples in Stereo Release date: 06 February, 2007

12:10 AM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Merry Friggin Christmas Everyone!!
Current mood: adored
Category: Life

So last night was the first day of Christmas for the curlee household.  We went to my father's side of the family for a gifty extravaganza.... 

We are Italian so it was an Italian feast.  Yummy! 

There were oh say around 30 - 40 people there maybe....  Including random children...

My father died in 1999 and I have never really kept up with his side of the family very well.  My dad was in and out of my life - mostly out - and that included his extended family as well.  My grandma however, was the one who kept me involved and spent time with me and would make me feel like the most marvelous person in the world.  She died when I was 16.  That bond I had pretty much broke when she died.  My grandpa remarried right away and I was pissed at him for replacing my irreplaceable grandma.  Grandma Raquel was just as sweet but I have never given her a chance because she can't replace my grandma.  What a silly girl I was...  Anyway - My aunts tried to involve me when they could.  But life just goes on and before you know it years have passed by.

Last night I realized that this part of my family really means a lot to me.  I walked in and was received with open arms even though I haven't see much of them since my father's funeral.  I recently reconnected with my Aunt Debbie.  She is a lot like my grandma and I feel so much love for her.  What really struck me is how much I look like my family.  I am the oldest grandchild and therefore the coolest and the most beautifulest...  Did ya barf yet?!  Kidding aside, it was just a huge connection for me.  These are my people.  I belong.  That being said, however, I had no idea who a couple of people were.  Sad huh.  I pulled my cousin Mickey aside and had him help me identify some of the stragglers...  I think I introduced myself to someone I had met before, but oh well.  I am kinda kooky that way.  Some might even say it is part of my "charm".

My mother's side of the family is who knows me best.  They have been there for me my entire life, but the affection I have for them is entirely different.  None of us look alike at all.  We could be from anywhere and belong to anyone.  With my father's side, I just felt so at peace.  My sister and I look a lot a like (we have different mothers) and that has been something very meaningful to me.  If you saw my mother and I together you'd think I was adopted.  My brother and I definitely look related.  My daughter is my clone.  That closeness is just terribly indescribable.  Knowing where you come from and everyone being able to see it - is just well - indescribable. 

I guess what I am trying to say is that I finally feel the friggin holiday spirit.  It lives in reconnecting with family.  Hopefully I won't be a terrible cliche and not talk to any of them until the next holiday gathering.  But sadly that maybe beyond my control.

Tonight it is holiday dinner at my house.  We are celebrating with my in-laws.  They are good people too.  Then tomorrow it is yet another family gathering with my step mother's family.  They are also very dear to me.  Very very dear indeed.  Boy am I blessed with love and family and amazing friends.  Who needs anything more?  If only I could be hoisted up Tiny Tim style and shout....  "I LOVE YOU ALL!" 

But alas I think on Wednesday I am gonna be glad to be back at work and sick of everyone!  YAY!!! 

Currently listening : A Charlie Brown Christmas By Vince Guaraldi Release date: 10 October, 2006

10:12 AM - 6 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

I can see clearly now....
Current mood: jubilant
Category: Life

I do believe things are looking up.

So – I have been in a sort of "funk" for about a month or so.  Some would call it a depression.  I'll call it that too.

I was feeling terribly depressed.  Really really depressed.  I didn't want to talk to anyone work was stressing me out.  I had big jewelry show coming up that I was really worried about.  Everything was too overwhelming.  I was crying constantly.  I felt ugly and stupid and horrible and unlovable. 

Usually when these types of feelings hit, I can talk myself through them and move on and upwards.  I am not a dweller.  This time I couldn't.  I couldn't figure out what exactly was bothering me.  I didn't know how to make myself feel better.  Finally I realized that I just needed to allow myself to just feel like this.  Let myself wallow and cry and sleep and it would be OK.  (Many -many thanks to my husband for giving me space)

I am really glad I let myself do that.  How foreign it was for me to do.  I NEVER let myself feel sorry for me and my circumstances.  I try to diminish them somehow and try to "get on with it."

But…  Now I FEEL GREAT!!  I feel terrific!  I have had a few experiences lately that have pulled me out of this and my heart is soaring….

I had a successful jewelry show.  Terrific feed back and some great referrals. 

A singing escapade –   I got myself tangled up in an offer I couldn't refuse.  I am singing backup for a crazy group of guys I work with.  The band is performing for one of our company holiday parties.  Yup not only will it be my first time sing in public - in a band (I've done lots of musical theater) – but it will be in front of a bunch of people I see on a daily basis…  Our first rehearsal with all the players went amazingly well.  I was terribly scared and nervous and worried.  What if I sounded like crap?  What if they laughed at me?  (Ron)  I had had a terrible day at work.  I mean terrible.  I was fighting tears and walking out on my job.  I show up for rehearsal and just said to myself…  "Fuck it!"  I ended up having so much fun.  I often times have trouble relaxing and enjoying myself when I take part in these types of endeavors.  The "fuck it" attitude and focusing on the right there and now was perfect.  I ROCKED.  No matter what anyone says.  -Ron!

Then….  I decided that I needed some new work pants…  I was at Old Navy and they were having a good sale.  So I tried on some pants only to discover that I have lost weight.  I am down one more size.  I have lost over 40 some-odd pounds.  I have gone from a size 16 to a size 8.   I have managed to keep the weight off for a year and actually lose a little more!!!  YAY!!!! 

Lastly, I went out last night with an old friend of mine.  He and I dated about 14 years ago.  Yeah he broke my heart into a bajillion pieces and I hated him for a small while.  But got over it, moved on, grew up a bit, got married, had a kiddo...  He moved to Alaska and that was that.  We reconnected about 2 years ago maybe?  Through the wonders of MySpace we have managed to keep in touch sporadically.  It was a great night.  He makes me laugh so hard.  In fact I think I am sore from laughing.    What amazes me is that we are entirely different people, but we get a long like no time has passed between us.  I am so grateful for his friendship.  I am really grateful that he broke my heart.  I learned so much from that relationship.  We dated two years and tried to act like grownups when we could barely even take care of ourselves.  Now many years later, I am amazed by who he growed up to be.  I am proud to call him my friend.  My only regret is that I didn't tell him this last night.  Mark I love you!  Thank you for giving me the laughter I needed, the ear and the non-judgmental advice.  You are a gift. Even if you are a bit smelly ;)

Nuff said.

Currently listening : Pork Soda By Primus Release date: 20 April, 1993

10:01 AM - 8 Comments - 8 Kudos - Add Comment

Kaiser Blade
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

So, ya know.  I had a rough childhood.  When anyone asks me about it, I say "Have you ever seen the movie Sling Blade?"  The boy in that movie was me, the home life he had was mine, minus the mentally challenged murderous friend.  That character can be spread out amongst several devious players...  But alas...  No murder.

With that in mind, I have grown up with a lot of baggage.  Very worn second-hand, used baggage.  It has affected every relationship in my life.  It has made me a stronger person for surviving it, hands down.  But this is not my story today.  My story took an interesting twist last night while I was driving one of my aunts home from an outing we had together. 

We were talking about me as a kid.  I had spent a lot of time at my aunt's house.  Weekend visits that turned into weeks because no one knew where my mom was.  She mentioned something that I never known about.  Apparently there had been talk about taking me away from my mom.  She mentioned there was a family meeting, but no one knew what the best course of action was or how to do that.  She also mentioned that when they told my mom what they wanted to do she begged them not to.

The first thing out of my mouth was, "I wish you had taken me away."  I was surprised I said it so quickly.  But I felt it deep.  If at the very least I could've gone to my live with my father.  No one stood up for me.  I am not blaming, but if my family could see how crappy everything was then it makes it all the more real.  I didn't imagine it.  More importantly it wasn't my fault.  Wow.

I dropped her off at that point.  The conversation kind of hanging like a thought bubble above the car.  I haven't stopped thinking about it.  Did I really mean what I said about wishing that I had been taken from my mom?  A long time ago I had asked my mother if she had ever thought of giving me up or away.  She told me yes.  And the mom of the year award goes to....  Not feeling wanted.  No where to go.  Life sucked because of me.  Those were the predominant themes of my formative years.

So who would I be if my family had intervened?  It's a whole "It's a Wonderful Life" of what ifs....

All I can say is that where I am today is grateful for everything I have.  Every experience has shaped me to be me.  I like me for the most part...  Sure I am insecure and distrustful and scared sometimes.  But I know why.  I guess knowing is half the battle.  The other half is not letting that previous life define me.  Hard to do.  Very very hard to exchange the worn baggage or even to loan it out.  I can't give it away.  But what I can do is open it.  Take that little girl out - dust her off and love her to pieces.

Currently listening : The Who: The Ultimate Collection By The Who Release date: 11 June, 2002

3:19 PM - 5 Comments - 10 Kudos - Add Comment

Men are Easy
Current mood: sleepy
Category: Life

Tonight it totally occurred to me that the title of this is totally true.  True I say because I got a man to do some crazy stuff for me tonight.

Let me explain further before some of my dear readers express concern for my husband...

Tonight, my company had a little party for its employees because we reached a big milestone, blah blah blah...  Everyone showed up for the free alcohol and food, but thanks anyway.  Alcohol and people you work with isn't always the best use of one's time, but then I wouldn't have this story now would I?

Yes I drank a little too much and was silly.  Yes I'll admit it.  We were all given knit caps with our company's logo on it and yes I was wearing it and being a doofus.  But that is not what tonight's story is about....

So the party is winding down and one particular guy is talking to me.  We don't work together but we met during an Emerging Leader class we took last year together.  Let's call this particular gentleman "Rex".  Yes Rex had had too much to drink.  Much more than I and yes Rex was also wearing the knit cap.  But he was talking and talking and talking while staring at my breast the whole time.  Me being a bit tipsy and focused on my knit cap goodie, didn't hardly notice.  Well almost, as it is quite hard not to notice when someone is talking specifically to the girls...

Anyhoo...  So there were these fresh roses in small vases that held these gelled balls.  They were clear and wet.  And of course all of us were squeezing them and tossing them about because they were fascinating.  So, I decide to dare Rex to eat one.  I figured that it was the least he could do for my girls.  And all too willingly he does.  He eats something that is god knows what because some tipsy chick in a stupid knit cap with big knockers dared him to.  Dummy!  I think he would have pretty much done whatever I asked him to.  (This is highly amusing to me as I never realized that I had this kind of power.)

Then he decides that he needs to tell me that the best way for me to get home is to take a cab.  He feels that my husband will respect my decision to be responsible and leave my car at work and cause him to be late to work and drive my sorry, too drunk to drive ass, back to my car in the morning....  But the best way to get out of the dog house is to walk in the front door naked with this necklace I happened to be wearing at the time.  To top it off, Rex gives me $20 for the cab.  I promise him I'll do it if he takes a cab home too.  Which he promptly turns around and leaves to go do....  (I think I might have gotten a free sky diving lesson out of him too but I am not 100% certain it wasn't the booze talking)

My friends and I were stunned.  That's when one of them pointed out how my chest could've gotten me anything I wanted from that guy.  Honestly I was just having fun and talking...  Not until he had left me with a $20 bill in my palm that I realized that he was fawning over me and flirting.  I am wondering if I should be offended.  Nope not one bit.

So, for $20 bucks I poisoned some guy.  Fun night for everyone...

PS - I am gonna give him his money back.
PPS - Really!

Currently listening : Chrome Dreams II By Neil Young Release date: 23 October, 2007

12:52 AM - 5 Comments - 6 Kudos - Add Comment

To the Pain... Part II
Category: Life

Just a quick update.  Today I went to the Dr.  Final diagnosis....  Physical Therapy.  Let's hope it helps. 

I am not feeling sorry for myself anymore.  I have a lot of wonderful much less painful things to be grateful for.  I refuse to let this turn me into the sniveling crybaby I have been the last week or so.  I am in control.  I am going to make this better for myself.  I will not suffer anymore even if it KILLS me!

I am better than this.  There are people out there with far worse problems/pain.  I will not allow myself to be depressed anymore.  I am done with this!

FUCK YOU PAIN!

PS  the album below is AMAZING!

Currently listening : White Chalk By PJ Harvey Release date: 02 October, 2007

8:18 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment

To the Pain
Category: Life

My mother once said to me that "Life is Pain".

Today I agree.  This past week I have downed more pain meds then I can stand.  I have been super spacey.  Forgetting words in the middle of conversations.  Forgetting to do stuff I said I'd do.  Then doing stuff I have already done...

I think I just want to crawl into a hole and just disappear...  I had a massage yesterday and that helped tremendously...  But the pain is profound and strong and I am near tears.  Today I am exceedingly impatient and angry and moody and irritated. 

In past blogs I've mentioned some of this pain before.  There are good days and really great days and some bad days and some horrible days.  Today is horrible.  It hurts to even think....

I want to cry miserably and feel sorry for myself.  But I don't.  I wish I could lock myself in my room and come out when I could act like a human being.  I wish my body would stop betraying me.  Hating me and making me suffer....

Shall I describe the pain I am in?   I get really horrible neck pain but it is usually manageable through massage, chiropractors, and anti-inflammatories...  I usually get it at night and it is excruciating and affects my sleep.  It is a blinding pain that throbs so intensely that any movement makes it worse....

This past week, I have been experiencing this during the day added with a searing pain through my scalp.  It's like the skin on my scalp has seized up on me.  Like it is too tight for my skull.  I have been getting dizzy spells along with it too.  Not to mention stress at work is at an all time high lately too.  So I got my massage last night which really helped only to go to bed and have the new pain along with the fucking night time neck pain.

Today I am a wreck...  I am super sensitive, and near tears.  I am tired as hell.  I am snapping at my kiddo and my husband mercilessly.  I can't go to bed because I think that'll depress me even more.  I feel pathetic.  Like a big fat crybaby. 

PS:  I just started the book below.  I finished Invisible Monsters.  It was fantastic.  Chuck Palahniuk is my newly minted favorite author.  He is an amazing writer!

Currently reading : Survivor: A Novel By Chuck Palahniuk Release date: 04 January, 2000

5:18 PM - 6 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

STOP THE PRESSES!!!
Category: Life

So, I think I might like, um...   Whew....  OK I can admit it....  The first step is admitting....   OK....  I think I like....  BASEBALL!!!

Those of you who know me know that I HATE sports with the exception of Basketball.  Except the screetchy noises the sneakers make on the floor sometimes gets on my nerves, but I do like hoops.

But I digress...

So, yes it's the dang Rockies.  OMG!  They are like good for once....  Yay!  Woo hoo.  The noise started getting louder here when they were like, oh..  I dunno winning games...  And then they won some more, and then some more and it is like WOW!  I love me a good underdog story and this one fits the bill....

But here is how I knew it was serious.  I, yes me, the one who laments on how FREAKING long a baseball game lasts, was logged into ESPN and their funky cool game thingy that shows the mound and who is on deck...  So cool!  This little tiny balls slides down the screen to the batter.  A pop fly causes the ball to get bigger as it flies high in the sky of my screen and then gets little bitty size as it falls back to earth.  How cute is that?! 

We watched last night's game.  And it was well....  BORING, but I listened while I read my book...  That is HUGE for me.  I am usually in a neighboring country when baseball is on my TV.  Well that is not true.  Once I knew that Neifi Perez was our shortstop, and I used to do this funny voice whilst saying his name.  Last night, I noticed that one of the Rockies players, Ryan Spillbourghs (sp?) was kinda cute except for his interesting choice of facial hair...   I also like watching the pitches.  Oh! and the catchers scratching their balls, I mean signalling the pitcher with an uber secret pitch.  I was really reading my book and at one point I realized that not only were we watching the Rockies, we were also watching college football.  UGH!!  Kudos to my man for tricking me into watching baseball and football!

I did fall asleep on the couch though.  I went to bed and let my man drool infront of the screen...

Goooooooo Rockies!!!

PS - Yes I am still reading this book and I LOVE IT!!  I just bought another one of his to read too "Survivor."

Currently reading : Invisible Monsters By Chuck Palahniuk Release date: September, 1999

8:40 PM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos - Add Comment