chez

HELP ME I AM IN ROMANIA

1. Babushkas. Gold teeth.

2. Horse drawn carts.

3. Poor dirty serfs.

4. No english.

5. But in the great tradition of poor people all over the Midwest, fried dough sold out of trailers.

We were at this restaurant last night, we made it to an actual city after terrors and agonies involving oxen and potholes, and these sweaty rad Romanian dudes were goin nuts at the table next to us. Faux silk shirts, gold chains, piles of random meat, and lots and lots of booze. Like a night out in Brighton Beach basically. Except the waiters were wearing little faggy 'Balkan' shirts with puffy sleeves and embroidery. Around midnight someone sez the wrong thing about someone's sister or soccer team and shit goes down. Chests bumpin, testosterone fillin the air like the summery smell of manure, rings flashing. The waiters managed to get half of them outside but they kept coming back to 'apologize' but shit obviously thence broke out again.

I really don't think Eastern European men are hot. I wondered if I would but I don't. Still one step above Korean though. Actually some of the more lean n filthy peasants were kinda interesting as they plowed their little hearts out. Plow!

12:10 AM - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

oh my god.

HUNGARY
1. They eat so much gross meat. Like, not nice meat. Overprocessed headcheese meat.
2. They like Eurotechno with breakfast.
3. They put WHIPPED CREAM instead of foam on cappucinos.
4. The men are better looking than Croatians but not by much.
5. No black people!
6. Or Asians. American men wouldn't like it here.
7. No one speaks any English whatsoever.

Yesterday we went to a Roma 'village' which is maybe a nice word for a tiny slum. This was the most surreal experience of my whole 29th year I think. I can't even describe it coherently. Oh, except young gypsy women are HOTTT! like, UNBELIEVABLY INTENSELY smokin. In a real black eyed dirty way.
So, what I want to know is, why aren't all Eastern Europeans fat as fuck??? They eat crap like you wouldn't believe, all meat and cheese and bread, all mega-processed and nitrate city. What the fuck is up with all this hollow-eyed gauntness? OH and despite what certain men kept assuring me in NYC, Eastern European chicks are not hot. Except gypsies. I think there were like 20 hot ones and they all left for lucrative modeling careers.
God, watching MTV here is rad. It's the dustbin for all those signed but failed English speaking bands, man you can't even BELIEVE the shit that actually gets made!! Right now this Devendra Banheart ripoff band called MGMT. is gettin heavy rotation, their song is about kalidescopes and features many beads and crystals. It's, like, the worst song ever. Then there are all these wierd spritely 'indie' bands with songs about FUN. They always have a skinny hot drummer with artfully tousled hair. Then these fey winsome Brit groups with a blob-faced lead singer sighing about 'leaving your picture in the loo' or whatever. Looking all super intently into the camera, as if he is REALLY REALLY SINCERE you will buy his album and take him off Hungarian MTV.
AHH it's a Hungarian version of Fallout Boy! Covering 'Thanks for the Memories'! With a techno beat!!!
How can I ever leave?? Up with the Glorious Republic!

12:28 AM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

more plug

this is the last plug. more food blogging. i plan on posting there at least once a week so bookmark it son!
www.variousingredients.blogspot.com

3:28 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

plug

hey dudes i have a new blog about food. If you don’t give a shit about food don’t waste your time. we are all busy people.
if you like food writing read it, i think it’s pretty interesting. and funny maybe.
http://variousingredients.blogspot.com/

12:52 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

poo

Last night, Andrew, Mike and I went to this fest at BAM. For this totally unknown filmmaker Ernie Gehr. It’s part of this series presenting works by the favorite directors of the film critic for the Village Voice. I’ve been trying to up my modern artiness ever since I realized I could quote like every South Park episode.  So we settle in right? Lil shriveled Ernie Gehr himself, hopeful and brown, sits in front. The theatre sparsely filled. With serious faces.
So in the middle of the 31 minute silent series of images of one intersection in Berlin, Andrew takes out this packet of peanut MnM’s? And then with awesome painstaking slowness he manages to time his package opening and subsequent crunching to the brief flashes of German artsound that happen like every 15 seconds. That feat of crunch timing was the most interesting thing about the evening.
ok rad stuff:
1. SPITZER. New York politics are so fucking tawdry!!!!! The Post told me yesterday he leaves his black socks while he does it. I love that I know that. I feel a little bit richer for knowing that. Thank you tabloid press!
2. Bill Buford. I’m reading this awesome book he wrote about soccer hooliganism? So much snot and blood and fat men saying ’GOR’. Dude British people are so awful. I mean, Americans are no great shakes but come ON. At least some of us are tan some of the time.  And our teeth are effective.
3.Ultra pasteurization.  Now that I live alone my soy milk keeps goin bad before I can finish it, necessitating wildly inflated soymilk budgets, BUT get this: I noticed that in the space of time it took 3 (THREE!) cartons of Pacific Organic to wither in the box, my box of Trusty Farm Ultra Pasteurized Half n Half stayed fresh n creamy!  So I’ve just switched to using halfnhalf in place of all liquids. Cereal? halfnhalf.  Glass of milk? halfnhalf. Why can’t EVERYTHING be ultrapasteurized? Get fuckin Wayne Dufresne on that shit! Stop wasting time on 3D martinis!!!
Why is the Dow going up and up? Where’s my recession?? You know I think everything’s always TOTALLY FINE and they just want us to worry. To increase sales of Just For Men to hide greys. resulting from said worry.  So Britney takes laxatives after every meal to lose wieght? Wait, WHAT? So what they’re telling me is basically she spends most of the day on the can? REALLY? Why wouldn’t she just do coke all day, she has the money. That’s like SO not cool to just poo. All day.

5:35 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

new german on the mormon leader board

IRRITATIONS
1. All children.
2. All Spanish speaking countries.
3. Spanish.
4. That Adam Sandler movie "Spanglish".
5.  Old women at the meat counter at Fairway who call you 'dearie' trying to get you to trade numbers because they claim it's hard for them to stand up so long and you give them your number all politely and then they suddenly grow the strenth of ten men and brush you off, sprinting to the front, howling like banshees for thinly sliced tongue.
6. The Jonas Brothers!! AAAH so irritating! I went to go see Hannah Montanah in 3D last night, and they had a two song solo bit?? The main front kid, with the floppy hair, just gazed into the audience of 30,000 9 year olds and totally got the biggest boner ever. Those guys are so fucking smug and creepy simultaneously! Insert Clinton joke here.
7. Radioactive waste. Are you listening to NPR??? Poor Soviet locals.  Babushkas glowing and babies born with moustache arms. Oh my god an interviewee just said, 'Why should we be afraid of uranium? We eat sleep and drink uranium.'  I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. Wow.  Clearly my sympathy is undeserved! Moustache-arm babies, bring it on.
8. Big giant beards. That shit is DONE Devendra! Fuck off back to 1979!

5:17 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

Stupid January’s OVER, at least

I don't know what you all thought, but personally I found the Superbowl really entertaining. Watching it with a bunch of stupid guys I don't know made the whole thing even better. Don't you hate it when people who aren't you or your closest n bestest cook meat? And their apt. smells all meaty? God I hate that smell, it's like a bodega at 8 a.m. when you have a hangover and are holding your breath just long enough to grab a bottle of bubble water but you have to breathe to say 'thank you' and that awful greasy hammy smell gets you and you feel SICK.  Last night there was mass ribbage being cooked and they kept openin the greasy oven to check the progress and clouds of cheap meat gas filled the room. I had frequent outdoor cigarette breaks.
Then later I saw Gia! And talked to this guy for ages about how awful liberal private schools are. He went to SVA and loved it, what a pleb.
Moving is stressful and daunting. Thank GOD for Big Man Friends.  Andrew and Charlie saving me from the precipice of insanity. Next week is Moving Of Furniture! So final.... ah, the mem'ries of 113.  Dude in a pumpkin suit puking, bleeding and pooing all in one great night .... flooding the basement..... brining a turkey ....Elia Weg says my first few weeks alone will be scary.  Aah! but then, think of the sitting around naked!  Sweet. Going through the closets yesterday we found a snowboard!  my new hobby maybe?  No.

6:18 AM - 3 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

things and stuff

1. You can IMBD Charlie Dibe! I want to be his 'Number one Fan' on Hollywood.com. Put some hot pix up, Chaz!   you can be the next Ledger! not dead but idol-wise.
2.  New house.  Moving. Rad. I need new lamps. Suggestions? DON'T say Target.
3.  Amusing elections.
4. Thanks Carlos for hiring my meshuggenah brother!  And all you Chicago kids, make sure to go buy shit at his fly store.  And maybe catch a glimpse of my own flesh 'n blud.
5.  Risotto is the new meat.

6:11 AM - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

shimmy shimmy yaw

Today i got on the L and there's this guy, my age i'd guess, wearing the usual L train ensemble but not too obnoxious, and i'm all checkin him out over the edge of my New Yorker and I notice he's sportin THE BIGGEST BADGE EVER. It's, like, a huge glowing white moon emanating MESSAGE of the front of his tweed lapl at mega-hurtz intensity. BLEEP BLEEP you can hear it scream.

So I kinda sidle over to his part of the train so's i can be on the right side and figure this dude out and just what is so important he feels the need to affix a pie plate to his figure.

Check this out - all politico a la strident blogger type - I HEART BARACK OBAMA.

So I go, 'So, I guess you like Obama'. And he looks at me.  Pause. Blank.  'Your pin.' I say, 'I gather you are voting for Obama. Or am I misreading your pin.'  'Oh' he goes.  'I am'.  His face brightens. 'You know anything about him?  Have you heard about his student loan policies?'  and starts ardently proslytizing even as I'm sidlin urgently to the other side of the train.

How could he not get that? Ha ha ha! I've been chuckling all morning.

God elections are so rad.  Everything here is cool, it's supposedly snowing five inches today but this is the third day in a row they've mistakenly predicted that. Goina see Wu Tang on Thursday!!! Fuckin A! I got my frat boyface bustin' moves all primed son!

9:15 PM - 5 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

things n stuff

1. Ok. I know this is stating the obvious but my rage has overflowed this fragile vessel yet again. Myspace is SO FILLED WITH POPUPS. and fake comments, and child molesters, and horrible people named Jotta in Arkansas begging me to read their blog about our/their name.  It's barely tolerable even for the 10 minutes weekly i put into it.  I downloaded this porn site I saw on my friend's computer - look at me, all soul of discretion! - and it made shit 20 times worse. I can't wait to get some nice clean porn sans viruses.

2.  I was on the L last night and these dudes with kinda scruff and beards and hoodies in front of me were talking to this chick carrying a blank canvas and wearing hightop cons and a skirt, they all work at Enids it transpires, talking about their 22 year old buser who just started a band and is getting hip clothes at Manhattan shops and wearing belts and stopped washing his hair.  and I thought, ah, L train, you help me relive certain periods of my life over.... and over.... and over.

3. It's Brit Invasion chez moi, I had the Scots last weekend, this weekend its a Londoner. Cheeky!  And ... that's all I have to say really about that. Well, no. More. its so refreshing and nice to see such nice soft foriegn faces brightening my squalid digs.  some dude got capped at the bakery over the weekend! What's cute is there's a lil gangster shrine.  all pictures and candles. Aw. Drugs. Aw.

6:21 AM - 3 Comments - 3 Kudos - Add Comment

art jizz

My friend sara ackerman has requested a guest blog subj., which normally I would blithely and rudely reject but actually I think there might be some meat for the grinder in this one; little girls, white ones, who go to impoverished trop. isles with the wealthy fam, only to return to the metropolis with cornrows.  Actually I really don't even have any leeway here because the WILD IRRITATION of said cornrows is already implicit. So to cut to the obvious - ITS FUCKING ANNOYING KNOCK IT OFF OR IMA BEAT YOUR FAT WHITE NAPPY HEAD IN.  Better still, call Don Imus and give him an iron plated watermelon to do the job.

I got a bike which has allieviated much of the misery inherent in walking. Last night went to a show in a wearhouse - fuck- wherehouse?werehouse?WAREHOUSE christ - and it was all amusing and kinda Wburg mid 90's.  Kids really pointedly 'dancing' and 'having fun'. This one chick in 6 inch stillettos which was like, 'Huh'. You know? Hot but lame.  It did make her otherwise mediocre calves more worthy though.  This one dude had this vodka from Germany made of  'wild sweet grasses'. Taste the Jew cinders in every sip, I thought. As I hogged all the sips. It was really good actually, all grassy. Fresh. Like kissing a drunk cow.  Cud-filtered.  The bands were funny. Even when shit is wack I always kinda dig that anyone is at least DOING it. Like, this one band was SOOOO wack and arty but the one synth dude had such a prime 'stache.  Grade A, so it kinda redeemed the irrelevance of whatever Joy Devision rehash was happening onstage.

We went to the country this weekend, with only one stop to have our eyeballs raped and pillaged by the visual assault of DIA Beacon. All that contemporary-ness has a big dick to rape with, I'll tell you what. My psyche is still sore.  Over-priced buffalo wings and rabid antiqueing soon washed off the jizz, however, and it was a rad day to be out of the city.  I love this time of year!

10:29 AM - 4 Comments - 1 Kudos - Add Comment

innit?

Can't sleep. Woke up at 5 and been scouring the paper for 2 hours.
1. So Ms Rearend UK was chosen! She's a smart n sassy 40 year old weather'girl' with a booty that apparently makes snaggle-toothed Brits from Cardiff to the Highlands drool into their pints and say 'Gor'.  Her page is the most read on the BBC website apparently. Beating out such gems as 'Dollar sucks, euro rules' and more shit about Blackwater. Those Brits just love gloating over our fuckups.
2.  I was gonna go to Egg for breakfast which i have wanted to for eva but realized everyone I know is asleep. Anyways who really wants to eat at 7 am?
3. There's an article on the Leonard Lopate homepage about Ugliest NYC Building? and a slideshow accompanying? Like 8 OUT OF 20 pictures are in WILLIAMSBURG! Including that new admittedly horrible condothingee on Manhattan and Ainslie!  God I hate my neighborhood. Well, no, I love it, actually, but why does everyone feel the need to gang up on it?? Poor lil 'Burg. What have we done to you? What, like there's no ugly buildings in Canarsie????
4.  Anthony Bourdain's website is annoying. Is he a closet douche or is the heaving slavering marketing machine turning his radness into pseudo-douchery?
5.  Wait, am I getting sleepy? Gor.....  I am stoked tonight to see harry potter in IMAX 3D with the 12 year old dude I work with. Then i'm taking myself to a liquor-soaked dinner. It's been a long and stressful week, kids. Long and hard.  hee hee

4:01 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

The long goodbye

Oh man, i am so in love with Elliott Gould. Not past 1980. Like primo Gould, tall, lanky and filled with wry jewy wit. GOOOOUUULLLLD. It's driving me NUTS that that dude only exists, like, way a long time ago!!! How can I fix this?? Get around it? Short of findin Doc and the El Dorado, I mean. Cloning. All y'all keep your eyes peeled for Gould lookalikes. Fuck.

So Arcata totally is KIILIN it as usual. Ryan Carlile and i went camping with these 2 fresh chicks Keelin and Lisa from Chicago and Nick and Eric from Portland. Eric was really hot. Not like Gould or anything. We hiked Fern Canyon and slept by the beach. And of course as per the norm me and Ryan had like the most fun ever. We are soooo funny. Everyone couldn't stop marveling at how hilarious we are.
I was supposed to hang out with some people here in Arcata but for some reason it's hard to leave my parent's sweet ranch. Just kinda hangin out outside... then like goin inside.... rad. Went to Redwood Park today for a crucial walk through the stoners, who the FUCK has a DRUM CIRCLE AT 9 A.M.??? Now I know. Tonight we're going on this 4 hour kyak trip? Which is dope but why is it at NIGHT??? IN THE DARK??? Does that seem strange. Yes. Well. I'll be in a kyak so I can, like, paddle away real fast if it gets shady. Tweaker sea lions or something. Hippie clubbing. That I could get into.
I come back to NYC really soon which is also rad. Elia Weg sent me this photo of him that activates a train choo-chooing when you open it. So sweet. I've been going through reggaeton withdrawal so being back is gonna be a relief.

1:46 PM - 2 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment

wigger

ok just go listen to that old eminem song 'stan'. its like 8 years old. youtube it. its fucking unbelievable. its so good. how can he rhyme like that????
GOD I can't STAND IT agggg
so hot
so hot

11:05 AM - 2 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment

love your man, love your woman

DUDE get ready to be all mad jel. Guess what IIII did? Yesterday?
Totally WENT TUBING, DUDES!!! fuck yeah! It was even better than all y'all trapped in the sweaty confines of urban grit and other peoples' sweaty arms touching you on the train are imagining. All on my bouncy tube, in the chill green water, all trees and hawks flying by, drifting, rapids, watching the clouds change around the sun. I was with two blonde college chicks, a french dude, and two 11 year old girls. It was rad. The 11 year olds were all about their boyfriends except one bf called her a fucking slut and she dumped him. I was like, you go girl!
WAIT when did 50 cent do a duet with J. Timberlake? OH MY GOD this song is about them tagteamin shorties!!!!!!
wow I have so much to think about
later
anyways, Arcata is mad sick as ever. All quiet at night. Lots of peaches and fresh things. I tried making gnocchi and it totally fell apart, does anyone know how to make that shit?? Some nice wop? My dad showed me how to poach fish very slowly in olive oil which is hella rad. I saw some kids I wanted to see, have seen Willoughby or Matt yet. Super miss New York in a rad way, like, it'll be so good to get back! And meanwhile I can just chill all in the nice mellow weather and go swimming 24/7.
So where the fuck is La Lohan??????

10:50 AM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment