God bless the brown line. I yelled til i was raspy into a mic 4 to 6 minutes in a beyond chatty depaul bar -got bumped about 15 times by a 2nd tier joey buttafuoco stunt (and joke) double -yelled til i was hoarse -had fun, but was feeling a little self--involved and old and boom!-put on the new new my morning jacket (which isn't all that great-but 4 through 9 is pretty pretty-btw, i want the goddamn westerberg 49:00 and it's fucking vanished) and sat behind the most adorable tatted up gay latino couple i've ever seen. just relaxed and bumpily being comforted by one another-both shaved heads-one with a neck tat of a flaming heart with a knife through it-clean shaven skulls so the other could love every head dent and OZ-flaw, their heads half-asleep and more unselfconsciously lolling around-like they were being guided by angel feathers on dove string-than me and me lady's will ever be and my god damn, it was beautiful.
come to Fizz tomorrow and I probably won't talk about this. Robert Novak's brain tumor? . . . maybe.
Shepherd also explained a statement she made to the magazine about having had multiple abortions in the past. She was quoted as saying "I've had more abortions than I can count." Shepherd says she carried a lot of shame and guilt about it, until a woman at a conference said "Sherri, when you get to heaven all your babies are going to be there."
Not to pick on a woman in light of recent events but i hate this flat-earth belivin' moronic jesusfreak. She's now, of course, a pro-life dolt. I'm sure more than one person has called her a hypocrite only to see her eyes turn glassy while she asked what that meant. ("A kind of turtle?") She represents EVERYTHING that's wrong with this country (except for the tight shirts and big boobs). She's intellectually lazy, self-righteous, and on your television five days a fucking week. If only she wore fucking Crocs. Oh please . . . let's schedule a fitting. If you put her in a pair of Crocs the second her toes touched the soles it would be the final key that would open up the hellmouth. I miss Rosie. Yeah, I do. She may have been angry and crazy, but I like angry and crazy, especially when you compare it to a mound of compost that was somehow fashioned into a soggy mass resembling a brain and thrown into the skull of hacky "ethnic" "comedic actor" who has admitted on national television that she's unsure if the world is fucking round. The ONLY time it's acceptable to question that is if you're in a field at around hour 5 of a serious trip. Not sober, sitting around a collapsable coffee table making the nation dumber by the instant while masking it as "honest talk." Why Do I Know This Woman's Name? Much less the history of her birth canal? I'm an atheist, but I'm rethinking it. I kinda hope there is a heaven now. If only so that the second Sherri Shepherd arrives, her half-formed, drippy brood bum-rush her now shameless, naked body (Genesis 3:6-7) violently trying to sate their collective need for the mother's milk they were so wrongly denied. Or maybe something like this:
Goddamn middle management fingerfucker says "Welp . . . that's what decades of cocaine use will do to you."
What's that? Make you funny and interesting and let you live to 71? Sign me up, flip-flop for brains! Jesus, the fucking shit that boring people say to make themselves feel superior. I hate that shit. Everything Carlin did made Carlin Carlin so go fuck yourself. People can't wait to bring up a motherfucker's past and judge him for the fun he had. Reminds me of what Stanhope wrote after Hedberg died. Go read that. That's right fucking on.
And any idiot that brings up "heaven" or "wherever he is" when talking about Carlin really wasn't paying much attention. Sorry this isn't more eloquent, but I'm hungover, running on 3 hours of sleep and a bit pissed off at physical objects right now. All I'll say about Carlin is that I was always impressed at how good he was at getting crowds to come to his cranky, bi-partisan, atheistic side of the fence. That's not an easy thing to do. And growing up around the narrow-minded, religious, hateful fucks I did, I always appreciated stuff like this:
And watching Obama already capitulating on the FISA bill, I'm sad that we won't get to see Carlin take him down too. Just another guy in a suit who doesn't think twice about signing your fucking "rights" away. I'll miss you, George.
i gave a little to Kerry last time (and thanks for keeping it after you conceded at the drop of a hat, buddy!) i don't know if i'll give again. probably, after i see some more McCain speeches. but i just don't like giving money to either of the two main political parties. i mean, i kind of completely hate both of them and every time i give it's like over-tipping your least favorite stripper just to keep the club afloat, when you've been wanting a new one to open for years.
These are the sort of genius analogies you come up with when you've watched Road House far too many times.
I wonder how juggalos break down politically. My bet is their gloved, chubby fingers are angrily crossed for Huckabee to get McCain's V.P. nod. They have eerily similar views on the afterlife. And hey morons! If you're so angry, traipse your multi-colored ass down to the local Sam Goody and get yourself some early Joe Jackson or Elvis Costello! You're turning your already pre-soaked brains into runny gravy with this god-awful crap and then you're picking up fucking hatchets and throwing pictures of your dead, xanax babies on the internet!
I probably won't be talking about this tomorrow at:
Last Snob Standing Contest (SNUBFEST) @ Chemically Imbalanced Theater 1420 W. Irving Park Rd.
Chicago , IL 60613 10:00PM $10.00 B.Y.O.B.
Currently
listening
:
I’m the Man
By
Joe Jackson
Release date: 2001-08-14
Watched the "Wal-Mart" and "Breasts" episodes from the new Penn and Teller's "Bullshit" season. All I know is this: That Erica Jong is hot. Keep an eye on her. Fellas, you heard it here first.
Played bags today. Got destroyed 6 games to nothing. My competition was fierce. She gave birth 7 months ago. She's tenacious and her halter-top is deceiving.
I got some head shots taken finally, because I didn't want to be embarrassed if another club ever wanted to book me (Hello Madison!!). I am not comfortable with being the visual subject. Feel like I should at least be drunk, naked, or old Southern lawn friends. And why didn't anyone tell me I looked like a faux-rugged chubby homosexual? You did?
Smelled a lot of white, bigcity festival humanity tonight. I don't think our future's so bright. Carnival coke mirrors ain't what they used to be.
Currently
listening
:
Paris 1919
By
John Cale
Release date: 2007-06-26
People I've known for years now still have no idea what I do for my day job. It's really boring, and I don't like talking about boring things because that would make me boring. Let's just say it's an office in a building with managers and middle-managers and annoying receptionists and shitty coffee. I don't take my job home with me, I get buy and I try not to get bothered. Then I do comedy at night.
But if you really want a picture painted about my hangover hours, here's an email I got this morning:
> -----Original Message----- > From: ****, Eduardo > Sent: Wednesday, April 23, 2008 9:50 AM > To: Quotation Department Distribution List > Subject: This morning > > > > Team > > > > I spoke to Ernest briefly as they were getting Penny > into the ambulance. > Ernesta has my number and I have hers, she'll call > me once there is an > update on Penny's condition. I'll keep you up to > date as information > becomes available. > > > > I apologize if it felt a little hectic this morning. > If you are ever faced > with a situation where someone is ill and they need > to go to the hospital, > please just call 911 immediately or call Security at > extension 5200, they > can call 911. On the bulletin boards next to the > elevators on every floor > are emergency response procedures. I'll ask that > one be posted in our area. > > > > > Lastly, despite all good intentions, its never a > good idea to take someone > to the hospital in your car as you could be faced > with a life threatening > situation that you would not be prepared to handle > while driving. An > ambulance is the best way to go as they can provide > critical care while on > route to the hospital. > > > > In a separate email I'll send you my cell phone for > anyone that does not > have it already. Please program my number in your > cells and post the email > at your desk. You should not hesitate to call or > text me whenever you need > to, for whatever reason. > > > > Eduardo **** > > Director - Quotations -----------------------------
I somehow missed all of this. Had no clue. Was I in the bathroom that long?
Also, I love that the American worker has become such a pre-programmed cubical idiot at this point that they must be told to call 911 in an emergency and to use ambulances to get to hospitals. "Let's say the building's on fire. Should I be in charge of fanning or bucket-finding? Oh, I know, I'm supposed to call the fire place where they have a department of people who know what to do--what's it called? Did you see Idol last night?..."
On the way to work this morning I was listening to a couple of third-rate, third-market morning radio hackbags get their jollies on by relentlessly mocking this woman, clearly enjoying yelling the word "whore" like a couple of dance-scorned 6th graders flicking each other’s sad boners at the top of the gym bleachers. Why was I listening to this shit? Because I can’t afford an iPod or satellite radio right now and NPR just lulls me to sleep in the morning. Jesus, Chicago radio is awful. And yeah, her song fucking sucks and she’s sucked dick for money but you’re following it up with the new Fall Out Boy and, knowing radio these days, you’ve probably got your fair share of programming executive semen rolling around in your sad little gullet. Ingesting pound after pound of that is how you get that gravelly, base-heavy "radio voice;" it’s called paying your dues, son.
I’m already premeditatively sick of all the whore-hack-attacking and "serious" news stories that we’re going to hear in the upcoming weeks about prostitutes in general and my main girl Ashley in particular. I understand that dragging this simpleton through the streets of public opinion helps us feel superior for not cheating on our boring wives or for never quitting that shitty job or for staying in our hometown and settling for vicarious thrills through sports or reality programming, but you’re still just calling a 22 year old girl a whore.
We can get into the discussion of whether or not prostitution should be legal at another time (It should, stupid. It would drastically cut down on the violence that happens to the women that work in this field by giving them the power to regulate their own product. Also, if they needed help they could, I don’t know, call the fucking cops?) because I have to go now. Time to bend over and take it up the ass for a heartless corporation that can check my emails any time they want. Also, if anybody wants me to play "the weird guy" or "the loveable schlubby best friend since college" on their upcoming sitcom about a middle-class guy who messes up, but whose heart is always in the right place, just call me. I’ll slurp that up in a second. You can even shoot it on my chest.
