Remember the good old days? When everyone wasn’t so damn uptight, and the public didn’t scrutinize your every move. When a celebrity could make a sex tape and have it not be broadcast to millions over the internet (I’m talking about you Rob Lowe). Things are different now. Lets look at a few of these classic moments from yesterday, that would never make it in our modern era.
The radio over the head move from ’Say Anything’
I challenge you to find me a girl that doesn’t love this scene. Looking back on it, it seems a little bit creepy. I know you won’t return my calls so I’ll just show up on your lawn with my pants tucked into my sneakers and blast some Peter Gabriel. Isn’t that what they do in hostage situations to irritate hijackers into surrendering? I’m guessing most Peter Gabriel songs are on that playlist. I would say at the very least in our modern times Lloyd Dobbler would get a healthy dose of the old taser, followed by a nice restraining order.
Owning a pet monkey
Not only did people own there own monkeys, they let them drink beer and help drive their trucks and outrun the law. Or they handled the business transactions from barenuckle boxing. It sounds awesome until you think about what the cab of that truck smells like after a few days, probably just like the Millenium Falcon after a week of unwashed Chewbacca nuts. PETA would have a fit over this, not to mention the shipping companies. Geez, whats a guy got to do to travel the country with his pet chimp in search of lost love?
Adopting random minorities
Ok, Angelina Jolie can still get away with it. Mr Drummond might not be so lucky. Eccentric old rich man = pedophile, just ask Michael Jackson. Webster’s parents never would have past the application, they let him float away on balloons before the credits are even over.
Hooking up with your dance teacher,
This is even worse when he happens to be violating the ’half your age plus seven’ dating rule. No parent would go for that shit
This movie would have been better if instead of saying ’nobody puts Baby in the corner’, he had said, ’bow down to the awesome power that is the Swayze Mullet’.
Buying your children random talking furry creatures.
Think of the outrage over the Mike Vick dog thing, now imagine the outrage over killing off all those fun loving Gremlins. They just needed to be taught a constructive way to use all that energy.
Narrating your own life as it happens
That’s just crazy no matter when it happens
On a side note what happened to all the good comedic actors from the 80s
Chevy Chase- yea the last time he made me laugh I was in middle school Bill Murray- Went from being cool to playing the ’Bill Murray walks around looking gloomy for 90 minutes. End of movie’ role. Tom Hanks- seriously, he did comedies back then? Dan Akroyd- he’s dead right? Eddie Murphy- probably too busy wearing fat suits to be have time to be funny
I've always thought it would be a great idea to have a Where Are They Now? style show for minor league celebrities. Those stars that never quite got their fifteen minutes of fame, despite having a few very memorable moments. Are they still trying to act, are they living in anonymously in Spokane, do they make 'celebrity' appearences at used car lots? Regardless, here are the people I'd like to see on this show.
Curtis Armstrong
Curtis actually started out acting in Risky Business, with Tom Cruise. Talk about two diverging career paths. Tom goes on to become a rich, evil, megolomaniac; while Curtis goes on to become Booger. Did anyone else notice that this guy looked like he was forty-five and was playing a college student in Revenge of the Nerds?
I think it would be fun to ask him what it was like to work with Bruce Willis (on Moonlighting), back when Willis had hair, thought he could sing, and endorsed Seagrams wine coolers ( who actually drank these things, it tastes worse than the wine convicts make in their toilets?)
I saw Curtis recently (for like five seconds) in the movie Smokin Aces. This movie is only worth seeing if you've fantasized about gunning down Ben Affleck. (Who hasn't after watching Pearl Harbor?)
Sam Elliot
In the Patrick Swayze Karmic Circle, Roadhouse cancels out the awful Dirty Dancing ( though nothing cancels out Blackdog). Seriously, why would a badass like Swayze hook up with a chick with a nose that big? She wasn't even worthy enough to comb his awesome mullet.
( If you can, part it in the middle for me)
Sure Sam was the stranger in the Big Lebowski, and plays a cowboy now and then; but starring alongside Swayze's mullet in the greatest movie ever ( YES Roadhouse!) should have rocketed him to super stardom. Just think of the interview possibilities:
Interviewer: What was it like starring next to a guy with perhaps the world's greatest mullet?
Elliot: Well, he definately overshadowed the pseudo mullet I was sporting back then. I don't think I got enough credit for my hair in that role, possibly because I broke the cardinal rule that you can't have both long hair and scruffy facial hair without looking like a child molester ( or worse a dirty hippy).
Jerry Levine
Levine was 'Styles' in the movie Teen Wolf, before falling off the face of the planet. At nine years old I thought he was the coolest person ever; I also thought that Huey Lewis was a God, so my logic may have been flawed overall. Teen Wolf is still worth watching for Coach Finstock's logic and the extra that exposes himself during the big basketball game.
Coach Finstock: There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese
The Feral Kid from The Road Warrior
I think it's great that they gave someone from Alabama a chance to be an actor ( Oh wait, he's supposed to be a feral kid in a post apocalyptic future, my bad).
This kid would be able to recount stories about Mel Gibson before he was a church building, Jewish hating, liquor guzzing, psycho. That's like shooting the Zapruder Film.
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Josh Koenig
Josh was Boner Stabone on Growing Pains, Mike's semi-retarded best friend. (How exactly did a show get away with having a character called Boner Stab One?). Boner paved the way for other actors by establishing the nerdy best friend role on sitcoms ( and for all that hard work he doesn't even get to appear in a homemade porno like Dustin 'Screech' Diamond)
He could tell stories about Kirk Cameron's fanatical religious ravings, holding Tracey Gold's hair while she puked, and dealing with Alan Thicke's constant pontification and awesome hair.
Reality TV has hit an all time low--do I care about Andrew Dice Clay's comeback, Tom Sizemore's drug addiction, what the ho's from Flavor Flav land are up to? Of course not. However, with such a glut of bad television out there, maybe some of my show ideas will finally make it to the small screen. Let me know what you think..
Idea 1- Celebrities fight the animals they're named after
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This would be entertaining. John 'Cougar' Mellencamp can stop singing about Chevy trucks and fight a cougar. Frankly, I think a normal house cat would kick his pansy ass.
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Matthew Fox gets to fight a bunch of foxes. Maybe a fox with a bad temperament ( or a strong gust of wind) could take Matt out. He was on Party of Five afterall, that's like wearing a sign that says, 'I'm a giant pussy'.
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Joaquin Phoenix has to take on a phoenix. OK. I know that the phoenix doesn't really exist, but neither do people named Joaquin.
Idea 2-Television Nannies vs out of control kids
How would television's best loved nannies do on a show like Nanny 911?
Mrs Garrett
Mrs Garrett was a giant dyke that forced the girls at Eastland High into indentured servitude by making them work at Edna's Edibles (only Molly Ringwald was lucky enough to escape). How would she do against a group of screaming six year olds that forgot to take their Riddlin? Kids these days do alot worse than say "Whatcha talkin about Mrs Garrett?" ( a good nanny would have corrected that awful grammar).
Mr. Belvedere
Mr Belvedere may have been named Lynn, but even the song warns about him dropkicking jackets as he walks through the door. Plus, he has a vodka named after him, and was able to put up with Bob Uecker for years ( I couldn't even make it through Major League). I don't think many kids would last long against him ( insert pedophile joke here).
Alice
Alice kept all six Brady kids in line and still had time to fuck Sam the Butcher (insert meat delivery joke here). Since Alice did all the dirty work, she was also probably responsible for the disappearence of Cousin Oliver and Tiger the Dog.Add in that she is really scary looking and i bet Alice could handle just about anything.
Idea 3-Where Are They Now?
I think a show that profiles the unsung members of famous movies and TV shows would get high ratings. Here's a few ideas
The Black Ghostbuster
He could actually tell us what Bill Murray was like when he was still funny ( instead of making his adult contemporary comedies in his old age). Or how much money a guy makes playing bit roles on TV shows for twenty years.
The guy at the coffee shop in Friends
He can actually tell you if Courtney Cox puked after every meal? If these soulless assholes in the rest of the cast are as annoyng in real life, as their characters are on the show? How a guy who works in a coffee shop can afford to live in NYC?
Anyway it's better than making a show with the Geico cavemen
Last blog I dealt with the topic of Rockstars that should have long ago retired. Keeping things musical, I was thinking about Lead Singers/ Frontmen who have managed to leave a negative footprint on the history of rock, by their mere presence alone. I present: The List of Frontmen that I Hate.
John Popper
Everyone loves a fat, gun nut, as long as they can play a mean harmonica. At the height of their fame, I think I heard that stupid Blue's Traveler' song 'Run Around' every 3.5 minutes. Does every song need a two minute haromica solo, is that really a good thing? What's with the harmonica bandoliers? Are you taking a page from the Chewbacca guide to fashion?
If grating harmonica solos, mixed with noodling hippie rock is your thing, than you're probably a big Popper fan. Sorry, he sucks ( when not eating).
Sebastian Bach
When you are better known for your hair than for your music, there might be a problem. Bach has been hanging around for years, still trying to suck every last second out of his fifteen minutes of Skid Row fame. This is now commonly known as Uncle Rico syndrome ( If coach had only put me in fourth quarter).
Now he's doing reality TV, sitcoms, and touring with dysfunctional GNR? This is the type of musician that everyone wishes would OD.
Huey Lewis
Whatever happened to Huey Lewis and the News? Does anyone actually care? Isn't it hard to be a sex symbol when you have a forehead that a 747 could land on? At least Borat named his kid Hooey Lewis in his honor.
Turns out HueyLewis is still making records, it's just that nobodies buying them. Wake up Mr. Lewis it isn't 1985 anymore. The Flex Capacitor gave Marty McFly Parkinson's, George McFly is now a creepy guy that chases around those Charlie's Angels sluts, and just like back then, you still can't act worth a shit.
Steve Perry
Follow the nose, it always knows. If you're a fan of earnest power ballads, than you probably still have a poster of Steve Perry somewhere in your house ( you probably also still wear hideous tank tops and pretend to play a keyboard strapped to the wall). Imagine being a Journey groupie? This has got to be the ugliest collection of dudes I have ever seen.
Doesn't Perry look like Scott Baio's retarded brother?
The guy from The Spin Doctors.
For a few minutes there in the early nineties it looked like the Spin Doctors might take over the world. Thank God they crashed and burned or everyone would have ended up smelling like patchoulli and wearing Birkenstocks.
Steven Tyler
Yes, Steven Tyler did do the world a great service by creating Liv Tyler, but does that make up for almost two decades worth of shitty Aerosmith albums?
Jon Bon Jovi
I don't hate Bon Jovi that much, I just hate that he thinks he's a cowboy. There aren't any cowboys in Jersey, but there are plenty of Guidos.
Bono
Yippee, you're a humanitarian. Shouldn't the joy you get from helping others be enough, instead of constantly flaunting what a great, caring person you are? Isn't it a bit pretentious to prattle on about the poor and unfortunate while wearing $1000 sunglasses?
Whats worse; being rich and famous and committing suicide, or being wanted by women everywhere and accidently killing yourself while jacking off? Nice work jackass.
Sammy Hagar
I'd say he wrecked Van Halen, but Van halen has always kind of sucked. At least he embraced his alcoholic nature and started making tequila. I'll be thinking of Sammy this Cinco De Mayo......thinking about how much he sucks.
Phil Collins
One good drum solo aside ( From In the Air Tonight), Phil Collins is basically around to provide jokes for shows like Family Guy, and to provide hope to old balding guys desperate to get laid.
As Billy Joel once said, probably while taking a break from drunkenly wrapping his cars around trees and fading slowly into obscurity, that ' Only The Good Die Young'.
(Remember when I had hair and married a supermodel?)
These musicians weren't so lucky, and now the world is left to deal with their slow march to oblivion. This is my list of musicians that should be euthanized, if for no other reason than for not growing old gracefully.
David Lee Roth
However obscure the reference, doesn't he look just like the bad guy from Ghostbusters 2?
Roth acts crazier and more erratic than all of the members of The Who combined on their 73' Quadrophenia tour. Diamond Dave went from singing 'Jump' and 'Panama' with Van Halen, to getting busted for buying dime bags, hitting himself in the head with a bo staff, and getting hired to replace Howard Stern for like five seconds on the radio. Plus he tried to fight Velvet Revolver at the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremonies.
Actually they kind of look like pussies.Scott Weiland looks like he might need to put rocks in his pockets to stop the wind from blowing him away.
Roth ruled the world in 1985 but that's now ancient history. Next stop The Surreal Life?
Axl Rose
Memo to Axl: The real Guns N Roses broke up fifteen years ago. Everyone else has moved on. Ripping off Milli Vanilli's hairstyle and getting knocked out by 98 pound guys like Tommy Hilfiger are not the best ways to build up your 'badass' reputation. From rocking spandex white shorts with absolutely no shame,
to getting Botox and hanging out with a guy with a buckethead; it hasn't exactly been a graceful decline. Let's hope he does that weird snake dance off into the sunset soon.
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STING
Sting is so lame his personal ad would probably read-
older, balding male interested in tantric sex, saving the rainforest and producing horrible adult contemporary music that is only out rivaled by my shitty acting
He should get together with Bono, so we can finally see which one of them is the bigger self righteous douchebag ( and who has more hair).
( The price of my sunglasses rivals Ethopia's Gross National Product)
Neil Young
I'll keep 'rockin in the free world', as long as I don't need to actually look at Neil Young's bedraggled face. Let's talk politics? No thanks, I get my news from John Stewart, not some aging hipster that made Pearl Jam suck for like three years.
Keith Richards
Richards is in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Dude shouldn't this guy be in the next zombie movie that's coming out? I guess snorting dead people's ashes will keep you going for awhile, but will it help your acting ?
The Boss
Bruce may have been born in the USA, but lately he looks like he's been sleeping in a ditch and gargling with a fifth of whiskey. All your fans are dead Bruce, probably from working all those dead end jobs in deadbeat down that you glamorize so nicely. Oh and thanks for making Courtney Cox famous asshole.
There's more but I'm tired, so elect your own favorite douchebag in the comments section.
What is a golden shovel award? It's my award handed out to people that need to be dragged out into a field and beaten to death with a shovel, preferably by me. To be nominated a person needs to be a general dick, or a waste of space. Feel free to nominate your own candidates in the comment section. Without further delay...............
Don Imus
I thought the Rutger's womens basketball team was known as the Nappy Headed Ho's. Or is it the Fighting Nappy Headed Ho's? Should Imus be commenting on appearences considering he probably goes to the barbershop and says ' Gimme the Micheal Landon look'
Imus just wants a little attention, considering he's a third rate Howard Stern. He'll pull the Free Speech card and get rehired and will be even more popular. I say they let the Rutger's womens basketball team work him over with a shovel instead.
I noticed Al Sharpton weighed in on this one, talk about a guy who lives off of controversy. He's like the political paparazzi, get a job dude.
Larry Birkhead ( Anna Nicole Smith's baby daddy)
Yippee! The paternity tests came back in your favor. Now the whole world knows that you like to have sex with pill popping, booze swilling, word slurring, fat chicks. Plus as a bonus she has a fetish for geriatrics!
(looks like the Crypt Keeper is hard up these days)
Thankfully he'll have an unlimited supply of Playboy pictorials and Trimspa commercials to help show junior what a wonderful girl Mommy was.
Ice Cube
Straight Outta Compton and straight into family comedies. From N.W.A to 'Are We Done Yet?', this man's legacy is going to end up being Barbershop 3. Remember back when Ice Cube was a controversial hip hop figure (yes even before Anaconda)? Eazy-E would be spinning in his grave if he knew how far Cube had fallen (except the worms have long since eaten him). I think he's probably only a few films away from dressing up in a fat suit, like every recent Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence flick
Kurt Vonnegut
Obviously, I didn't get to Kurt in time. I'd still like to beat his corpse for awhile for being a pretentious, elitist, asshole. All his books should consist of the line 'I'm better than you' over and over again; it's essentially what he's saying anyway and it'd be a much more enjoyable read.
Seriously, Angelina Jolie needs to stop trying to form her own kindergarten version of the United Nations. At the pace she's working at, there won't be any orphans left in the world. Ginger Spice never worked this hard when she was a U.N. ambassador, actually she never really worked that hard when she was a Spice Girl either.
Orphans serve an important role as the main source of black market organs (and I'm about due for a new liver), victims in snuff films, and as the main fodder for drunken hit and runs at 4 a.m. Plus it's much more difficult to harass them then it is to harass the homeless ( and I love a challenge!).
Maybe Jolie has more sinister plans for these children?
-like staffing a sweatshop to continually keep her in lycra tops.
-or running their own meth lab?
Think of the possible ramifications of Angelina Jolie becoming a humanitarian for other important famous orphans in the world?
Little Orphan Annie.-
If Angelina adopted her it would probably prevent her being molested by that pedophile Daddy Warbucks. Trust me it was in the director's cut.
Harry Potter-
If Angelina adopted Harry Potter, he would have had a family and not gone off to be a wizard. Thus, no Harry Potter books, obnoxious movies, and naked pictures of Daniel Radcliffe. Does anyone actually like any of the above?
How is it possible he's as white as that horse?
Cider House Rules cast
If Angelina was to adopt Tobey Maguire maybe I wouldn't have to see a Spiderman preview every five minutes. I'm sorry he's just not a believable Spiderman. He looks like he would make a better fluffer, at least we wouldn't have to hear him talk. ( I guess he could mumble).
Frodo Baggins
Poor Frodo lost his parents and then had to go on an adventure to destroy some all powerful ring. If only Angelina had adopted him and used him as a footrest, he would have been much happier.
Here are a list of reasons for inflicting irrevocable damage on your television this week-
1.Georgetown keeps winning basketball games
Can anyone tell me where Georgetown is? Is this a real place,or is it the district bordering Never Never Land? What the fuck is a Hoya? Is that a slang term for a Bulldog or a common exclamation during prostate exams?
This seems almost as suspicious as Matthew Broderick marrying a woman that looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick. How does Ferris Bueller end up with the nerd from Square Pegs?
2. VH1 keeps rolling out more washed up celebrities
Dice Rules? The only show I ever want to see Andrew Dice Clay in, is his autopsy video.
Shooting Sizemore? Is there a sign up sheet for this one, and do I get to pick what I get to shoot him with? I'm not a believer in firearms, can I just beat him to death with a shovel?
Hogan Knows Best? Can we just skip all the uninteresting parts of your daughter's career and just get to her leaking a sex tape already?
Flavor of Love? Somewhere Tupac is spinning in his grave, if he were dead that is.
The Surreal Life? Vanilla Ice had his career highlight in the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie, do we really need an encore? Oh by the way, a new Ninja Turtle movie hits theaters this week, in case you were looking for a reason to burn your local cineplex down.
4 Quentin Tarantino thinks I owe him 9 dollars.
I've seen enough Grindhouse previews douchebag. I'd rather give $9 to a hooker to stare at me for thirty seconds then go see movies about a girl with a machine gun leg. What happened to the guy that made Reservoir Dogs?
5 Laguna Beach still exists
This seems like a good place to conduct some nuclear testing and film another 'The Hills Have Eyes' movie. Anything would be better than watching people who are a few years too old to be on ' My Super Sweet Sixteen'.
One of the most useless jobs on the planet might be held by high school guidance counselors. It might be easier for them if they could actually tell the truth about what your future held ( 'Hey kid, you're dumb as a box of marbles. You should try your hand at gravedigging. You get to work outdoors, get lots of exercise and meet lots of women that can't say 'no', if you catch my drift'), but of course they have to let you think you have a future.
MMMMkkkay
Things get even worse when some two bit hack actually becomes a celebrity, instead of huffing glue behind the 7-11. Here is the advice guidance counselors should have given these hopeless celebrities.
Britney Spears
Why does Britney sound normal when she sings, but like southern, white trash when she's off stage? Remember when she was hot and didn't look like she should be on some far away, penal colony battling nasty monsters?
Any good counselor would have been able to see Britney's future abilities to chain smoke, walk shoeless through public restrooms, fumble kids like she's juggling chainsaws, attack reporters with umbrellas, and act generally retarded. Any counselor worth their salt would have recommended she work at a strip club on the side of the highway, and give discounted lap dances during the slow afternoon shifts.Take a tour through the various Sonic's located throughout the southern USA and play count the Britney clones that serve me atrocious deep fried food. Then laugh your ass of when they bust their asses on those stupid rollerskates.
K-Fed
FYI Kevin, your fifteen minutes are officially up. K-Fed's life is like the movie '8 Mile', except in his version he doesn't rap battle and just works at some shitty factory until his hand eventually gets ripped off in one of the machines. A guidance counselor would have picked up on Kevin's knack for encompassing all things that are white trash. I'm guessing they would suggest air conditioning/ refridgeration school, with a backup plan of donating sperm, plasma, and slinging shitty, pinched nickel bags.
Nicole Ritchie
I'm guessing that her counselor probably told her to stay at home for the rest of her life and blow huge lines of coke with that weird clay bust of dad Lionel from the 'Hello' video.
With her wonderful figure, maniacal grin and evil nature, a counselor should have suggested acting.She would have been perfect to battle He-man and the Masters of the Universe, or tell ridiculous puns on cable television.
OTHERS
Ben Affleck
I would have adviced Ben to be that 35 year old guy who still hangs out at high school football games offering to buy sixteen year olds beer, and reliving his glory days on the field. He looks the part.
Billy Joel
Valet. He seems really good at smashing cars up, pretty much like every valet in the world.
Vern 'MiniMe' Troyer
I wouldn't have given him any advice. I would have just brought him home and used him as an end table.
What other horrible celebrities deserve a crappy alternate career?
Acting Lessons from Dustin Hoffman or How to act Retarded in One Easy Step
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
I just read this article on MSN that in short, claims the following-
A woman admitted Monday that she coached her two children to fake retardation starting when they were 4 and 8 years old so she could collect Social Security benefits on their behalf.
At first I thought this was awful, then it slowly dawned on me. Sure these kids were acting retarded to gain a little cash, but at least they weren't after fame, Oscar's, or the Presidency.
Let's look at other people that dupe us by acting retarded--
1. Anyone who has ever appeared on the MTV show ' My Super Sweet Sixteen'.
There is no way anyone could be this stupid and spoiled in real life, and have parents stupid enough to meet their extreme demands. ( I want a Ferrari Cake!). They have got to be playing it up for the camera. Let's hope or the future looks grim. Anyone who has ever appeared on this show automatically earns a place on my 'people to be beaten to death with a shovel' list.
2. A majority of recent Best Actor winners and nominees
Excluding Ben Affleck ( who always plays a retarded person), everyone who portrays a retarded person gets nominated for an Oscar. It's like getting an automatic bid into the category. Dustin Hoffman in Rainman ( he had like five lines and they were all 'fifteen minutes to Whopner'). Forrest Gump in Forrest Gump (who then parlayed his success into a string of annoying restaurants). Billy Bob Thorton in Slingblade (whitetrash tard).Daniel Day Lewis in My Left Foot ( I always get yelled at for drawing with my toes). Russell Crowe in Gladiator (self explanatory).
3. Everyone who lives in Laguna Beach
The cumulative IQ score of the kids on this show seems to be smaller than the number of minutes of fame they gained from this escapade ( ie. fifteen). Why does every girl in this town have a voice that makes the dogs in my neighborhood howl whenever it comes on TV? Of course they are acting, nobody actually talks like that.
4. Flavor Flav
Seriously, Flavor Flav has pedaled more records and crappy television shows with his stupid outfits and minstrel act then anyone else in the hip hop community. If i ever saw someone walking down the street with a giant clock and a viking hat, I would cross the street, quickly. What outrageous stunt will Flav pull next? Whatever his producers tell him to do. Obviously.
5. Joey from Friends
Apparently it was OK for Joey to be retarded. Did he act this way to get chicks? To be funny? The answer is--who cares. I just want to know why this show is still on for like two hours every fucking night. Ross/ Rachel, Rachel/Ross; who cares, they both need to be covered with a blanket and beaten with a bar of soap in a sock.
7. The President of The United States
Sorry Bush Lovers. I'm not saying George Bush is retarded; I'm just saying he acts retarded to get his way. Maybe if I sound dumb enough and use words incorrectly, it will distract people from noticing that I'm invading another country.
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(Remember when I had hair and married a supermodel?)
( The price of my sunglasses rivals Ethopia's Gross National Product) 
